This Is What They Look Like, Part 2

Are you ready for more insight from our friendly swingers? God bless ‘em. I have one more post to share with you. I think it sheds a bright old light on the entitlement that goes along with most of those who want us to be more “enlightened” when it comes to affairs and having sex with other people when you are supposedly committed.

In this final post they talk about the new wife’s custody arrangement. She has 50-50 custody with each of her ex-husbands. Naturally, both children are with their fathers on the same week. They talk about how fantastic this schedule is because it allows them to be these involved, motivated, energetic parents one week and then have loud orgasms and fuck parties the next. Sounds perfect! Hey, whatever floats your boat, right? They’re both on board so who am I to judge?

I’m Spaghetti Sam and I judge. You want to fuck other people while married to each other? Fine. You want to write about the virtues of being non-monogamous? Great. You want to promote this idea that we aren’t “wired” to be faithful, or jealous, for that matter? Knock yourself out. But when you promote having less time with your kids as one of the upsides of divorce that’s where I draw the line. It also gives you a lovely inside look at how cheaters think. I’m talking about the husband who cheated, not the two of them as a couple, although I think they’re both entitled infants.

This was her take:

…the most unexpected bonus, in our experience, is that we get more “kid free” time than most married couples ever dream of…. we get every other week to spend quality time with our kids, and then quality time with each other on the alternate weeks.

His take:

It makes a big difference in our life together. I love the fact that you’re a mom, but I never would have thought to look for a woman who gets to be a mom for just a week at a time. It seems unfair that couples who make a first marriage last have to constantly struggle to carve out some time for themselves during the 20 or more childrearing years.

Holy entitlement, Batman! Her kids are in middle and high school! It’s not like she’s got toddlers throwing up on her while she’s changing poopy diapers and dealing with meltdowns. Grow the fuck up, people! Did you seriously not understand when you had kids that they were a huge time commitment?

I’m so sorry you can’t walk around the house naked, have sex parties in your backyard, and scream at the top of your lungs while you’re having sex when those pesky kids are around. It’s a wonder anyone manages to remain married if you think that’s the only thing that keeps couples together. God forbid we have shared experiences like going to church, having a meal together, watching a television show or movie together, going biking or hiking or kayaking, or any other activity that doesn’t involve taking off your clothes and having sex. Maybe being a non-custodial parent would suit your needs better. Perhaps being an aunt or uncle would be more to your liking. You can take them when you want and give them back when you want. That leaves you plenty of time for those sex parties.

P.S. She’s always a mom even when she’s not actually doing the job. She does not cease being a mom whenever her kids are not around.

This kind of thinking irks me beyond reason. I love my weekends with the mobster so it may seem like I’m the last person to be flinging stones; however, I fully believe that once he moves to where I am we won’t be running off on weekend getaways all the time. I certainly won’t be trying to offload my son every other week so that we can have sex parties in the backyard (Do you hear that, Mobster? No sex parties!).

Furthermore, part of the reason we even do weekends away is because we live over ten hours apart! It’s a hell of a lot easier to drive 4-6 hours after getting off work at 5, and then meeting in the middle, than it is to drive 10.5 hours after a full day of work. Not to mention meeting in the middle gives us more time together without either of us having to juggle schedules or take vacation time. We don’t do this so we can have a kid-free weekend; we do it so we can actually see each other occasionally!

As a parent who has my kids 100% of the time I can’t fathom just handing them over to the other parent and then actually thinking that this is a perk of being divorced. Disclaimer: I may have joked with my mom about CF telling me that if I ever left him he would take the kids and me replying, “Hell, that’s what I was counting on!” but I never would have actually done it. I certainly can’t imagine it now that they’re teens. No, this couple is all about the sex they can’t have when her kids are around. Poor entitled babies!

As the woman dating a man who currently has 100% custody of his teenage daughter I don’t understand this mindset. I think it would kill him to have to send his daughter off 50% of the time. And as much as we would love to be together right now we are putting the kids first. This means he continues to live in the armpit of Virginia, enduring sightings of his STBX who is living with her boyfriend and spreading malicious lies about him, all so that his daughter doesn’t have to move and switch schools her junior year (something my own daughter’s father didn’t offer her). I remain over ten hours away from him because I won’t make my own kids move after all they’ve been through. I have a daughter who is going to college in-state now, and a son who will be a sophomore next year and is signed up with our state’s low-income scholarship program so long as he attends an in-state public college.

These two jackasses whine because they can’t have loud sex every week.

More on his take:

I have lived in a home where we were devoted to raising the children without a break. I remember years ago looking at my best friend, who had gotten divorced when his daughter was quite young. At first I saw him as a victim, but then I began to notice how easily he could pursue different interests when opportunities presented themselves. He had regular evenings and weekends free from parental responsibility. Suddenly, I felt like a victim. I thought, “Is this my reward for making my marriage work, that I get no free time for myself?”

I am shaking my head over here. I am astounded at his sheer selfishness. No, you dipshit, being married with children doesn’t mean you never get any time to yourself. It means you don’t get as much time to go off and do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. It means you put other people and their needs, primarily your children, ahead of your own. It means that you recognize that in the beginning when your children are small and completely dependent upon you that your time won’t be your own often, but that as they grow and become independent, you get more time to yourself. If it was such a horrible thing then why did you ever worry about being a part-time dad? It seems to me that would have worked perfectly well for you.

Folks, the next time you’re tempted to ask, “How can he or she just walk away from the kids?” re-read the above quote. It all boils down to more free time! They get to do whatever they want, whenever they want, because they’re not weighed down by kids and their unending needs.

He goes on to posit this wonderful gem:

…is it crazy to suggest that young people might have more children if they NEVER considered living with the parent of their child? What if the decision to embark on life as a father or mother meant only a 50% commitment rather than a 100% commitment?

I guess that makes sense, coming from him. If he can’t commit 100% to his marriage to a single woman without fucking other people on a regular basis, what on earth would make anyone think he could commit 100% to parenting the children he brings into this world?

YES! Yes, it is crazy to suggest that parenting is only a 50% commitment! What happens if you enter this 50/50 situation and the other person decides, in the awesome words of Austin Powers, that this “isn’t his/her bag, baby”? What if the other person dies? What if they become sick or disabled? You do not go into parenting thinking you are going to get huge breaks, or that it can somehow be a 50% venture.

Not to go all “child development” on you but there is also that small issue of attachment and how they are finding it is not in the best interests of an infant to be away overnight from its primary caregiver. How are you going to do 50/50 in that situation? Hell, who cares if the baby’s needs are met? Parenting is haaaarrrrrd. We can’t expect people to do it!

Her response is equally stupid:

Of course, I know how spoiled we are. Not all parents have this luxury. Not all parents would want it. But it reinforces for us how important it is to take time away from responsibilities to focus on each other and the relationship, especially if you want to keep your sex life fresh. After all, if you have to stifle your orgasm because you don’t want to wake up the kids, you’re soon going to stifle some of the fun as well.

As the mobster would say, “Oh my head!” Can you not focus on your relationship if your kids are around? Have you never heard of an evening out without kids? I know lots of people who have a regular date night, or who find time once or twice, or a few times a year to go away for the weekend. Why do you need that much time to “focus on your relationship”? Are you only focusing on your relationship when it’s only the two of you? Is there nothing that goes on that helps to build your relationship that is done with your clothes on?

A quick follow up question since I’m nosy… what will happen to your relationship if one of you can no longer perform? What happens if one of you gets deathly ill? Or disabled?

It looks like we’re back to the same old blame shifting excuses. We all know that if you can’t have loud, raucous sex with screaming orgasms (a great drink, btw) then your relationship is doomed and one of you will probably cheat.

This is what they look like, people. They are entitled. They are spoiled. They are all about themselves and whatever makes them happy.

Advice From the Mistress, Part 1

Great news, ladies! A professional (reformed) mistress is going to tell us how to keep our husbands and act more like a mistress instead of a wife. I found this lovely bit of advice thanks to Chump Lady. I thought I’d take a stab at pointing out why it’s a load of shit. Gentlemen, I apologize that there is no advice for you here. If you ever come across a reformed other man who has thoughtfully given you advice on how to keep your wife I’ll be more than happy to dissect that for you.

First and foremost what she’s going to teach you at “Wife School” is how to act more like a mistress than a wife. I would advise having a bucket handy for when you feel the need to vomit because this is cringe worthy. She goes on to tell you this is the “official, simple 12-steps to Affair-Proofing your Marriage”!!!!  Ladies, we all know this is bullshit, right? There is no such thing as affair-proofing. Remember, cheating is a character issue, not a relationship issue. If you can’t get him to eat a damn turnip or go to a party with you then chances are not good that you are going to be able to control his wandering penis. Now that we’ve got that settled…

  1. Be the woman he married – He married you for a reason, he loves you, so be sure you don’t change into a different woman as soon as you’ve eaten the wedding cake!

Um… excuse me, but if he loves me so much, why is he cheating on me? That’s my first question. Second question: What do you mean by “don’t turn into a different woman as soon as you’ve eaten the wedding cake”? Do you mean I should never evolve? Never gain a pound for fear he won’t want me anymore? Do you mean that if I once loved watching some home improvement shows on whatever channel they appeared that I must always like watching them? Or do you mean that I shouldn’t present myself as a put together person who does laundry, washes dishes, cooks and is able to take responsibility for my own self but once I get married I can suddenly no longer put a frozen pizza in the oven, never even bother with putting my washed and folded clothes away, and wouldn’t dream of doing the dishes now since I’m married, make more money, and housework is the spouse’s job?

Hey! That describes CF. Throw in being willing to go places and socialize with people until after the wedding and it’s him to a T. Why didn’t I cheat, Sarah?

2. Keep your appearance in check – Don’t pile on the weight after you get ‘comfortable’ with him, nor let your dress sense go. Looking good will help YOU feel better, as well as making sure your husband only has eyes for you.

Oh Sarah… silly, silly Sarah. You have to know that a woman has more to offer her partner than a rocking hot body dressed in skimpy clothing, right?

I rarely wore sweatpants. I sometimes wore yoga pants. But mostly I wore jeans. I did a lot of cleaning and a lot of laundry. I cleaned out guinea pig cages and cat litter boxes. Was I supposed to wear a short, tight skirt and a bustier to do that? I can see it now: I’m giving CF a come hither smile as I greet him at the door, sauntering over to him as I toss my hair back and pluck an errant wood chip out of my crystal studded bustier. “Welcome home, lover boy! I’ve missed you!”

In fact I recall my mom handing off a brown knit ensemble which I wore more than once. One day he turned to me and said something to the effect of: Why are you wearing that? It makes you look like an old lady. I’m pretty sure we were in the car at the time. I do know I promptly went and changed clothes. I also never wore that again.

I did tend to wear make-up every day. Not heavy make-up. Not everything from foundation down to powder every day but at least eyeliner and sometimes lipstick. When he complained that I never wore make-up anymore and/or always put my hair up in a ponytail or bun I made a concentrated effort to pay attention to my make-up and to leave my hair down. Hair, by the way, that I kept long because he liked it long. If that meant I had spent the day cleaning the house or cleaning up after pets then I made sure to stop 30 minutes or so before he was supposed to get home so that I could do my hair and make-up for him.

Furthermore, dear stupid Sarah, I didn’t sit around on my ass all day. I was constantly doing stuff. You know what that means? I was out in public. I put on make-up. I did my hair. I wore jeans and a cute top.

He STILL cheated!

Finally, to your first point, thousands, if not millions, of women are overweight with faithful husbands. And thousands, let’s hope it’s not millions, of thin, beautiful women get cheated on. Do the names Jennifer Aniston, Christie Brinkley, Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Garner, Gwen Stefani, and Eva Longoria ring a bell? Maybe if they had taken better care of themselves…

3. Listen to him and be attentive – Be interested in him and how his day was. Stay up late to see him after he’s had a hard day at work, even if you are tired. Ask him how his day was, before unloading all your troubles (and not too many troubles!)

Dear Jesus! Seriously? Sarah, do you see women as people or as simply penis receptacles? I had no problem being interested in my husband’s day. I frequently asked him how his day was and listened attentively to all of his stories. I also was very cautious about unloading my own troubles on him because the poor baby couldn’t handle it. I was often told, “Only one of us can be crazy at one time and that one person is always me!” I handled damn near everything by myself, Sarah, so as not to burden the poor man. I still got cheated on.

Ladies, communicating with your husband is wonderful. Taking an interest in him is wonderful. But this idea perpetuates the fantasy that we are only here to fulfill their wants. Who cares if you’re dead tired? You’ve got a man to please! Hop to it! Surely you realize that if you really loved him and were invested in your relationship you wouldn’t use taking care of kids, making dinner, doing laundry, paying bills, cleaning house, buying the family birthday and Christmas gifts, arranging the social calendar, going grocery shopping, taking care of pets, and running kids around as an excuse as to why you’re so tired and in no mood to wait up for him. If you love him and you want to keep him you will exhaust yourself with a smile on your face!

Don’t burden him with your pesky problems. He doesn’t want to hear about that. He wants to talk about himself. He’s the important one in this relationship. Nothing else matters besides him- not the kids, not parents/family, not responsibilities, and certainly not YOUR problems. Remember, YOU don’t matter.

I bet you can’t wait for Part 2!

For. The. Love!

Pardon me while I rant a bit. I apologize in advance to any of my male readers because I’m not going to do my usual man/woman, he/she, husband/wife stuff that I normally do. Why? Because the comments I’m seeing are from men, husbands. I have yet to read a blog by a woman who laments that her husband has not made her his entire focus. Gets a little pissed when he’s out drinking at all hours, every night during the week, with buddies? Upset when he spends every weekend doing one of his hobbies instead of spending anytime with her and the kids? Sure. But upset that he talks to his parents or doesn’t spend every waking hour glued to her side? No. I will concede that there are probably women out there like that. Tracie Andrews comes to mind. But I haven’t read any of their blogs so today it’s all about those men who whine and whine because their wives have friends, family, work, kids, and other things to do.

What the hell is up with this? In the recent days I’ve seen men lament the fact that their wives aren’t devoting 100% of their attention to them. I’m hearing, “I have needs,” and “I wish we could just have sex every day and she would ignore everyone around else and focus on me, Me, ME!” There is, of course, the obligatory, “My wife pours all of her attention into our kids.” Hey- here’s an idea. Maybe if these whining men would actually help out with the kids the wife could devote more time to them!

There was even lamentation that the wife had a family that she liked to talk to! She had friends she did things with! That bitch! Sometimes the wife even has ill or dying parents, sometimes it’s the husband’s parents that are ill and she’s still the one taking care of them while he complains that these dying people are taking attention away from him. Doesn’t she realize she has a husband and she should drown out the sounds of everyone and everything to attend to his every whim whenever and wherever he needs?

Hey, men! She’s your wife; not your girlfriend. I thought I covered it pretty thoroughly in my post with the same name. If you want someone devoted to you and your every need don’t get married. Continue to date endlessly and only see each other 3-4 times a week. It will keep the spark alive and she’ll be able to focus solely on you whenever the two of you are together!

I’m sure I come across jaded but I prefer to think of it as reality. One more time for those still complaining… Your relationship is going to change. It is inevitable. When you first meet someone it’s all fireworks and chemistry and passion. That doesn’t last. It never lasts. Even in great relationships reality begins to intrude. You have kids. You need to pay bills. You get a pet or two. You’re running kids around. In some cases you have children who end up needing more of your time and energy because of mental health issues, addiction, health problems, etc. Parents get older and need more help. People go back to school. People change jobs. You move. You have bad jobs, sucky bosses, family members die.

Putting all that aside there is a difference between dating and marriage. When you’re dating you are putting your best face forward. You laugh at the corny jokes. The bad habits don’t annoy you, yes because you’re madly in love so it’s no big deal, but mainly because those bad habits are new and you think you can put up with them. Ten, fifteen, twenty years later you might not be so understanding. You don’t see each other every day so every encounter is new and exciting. All her attention is focused on YOU because everything is NEW! She dresses up, she does her hair and make-up, she shaves her legs. Again, because every encounter is an event. It’s not everyday life.

And sex? No matter how fantastic it may continue to be, years with the same person is not going to be as exciting as that first time. No matter how great the sex may be it’s still not sex with a different person.

I think what bugs me the most is all this neediness. These men are demanding attention like little toddlers. I still remember the day I spent upstairs in the bedroom with CF. We did nothing except watch TV and he was probably laying all over me. He began crying and then told me that this was the best day of his life because I had spent the entire day glued to his side. I don’t have that kind of time and energy. It was mentally exhausting. It all harks back to, “Make me happy!” Dude, I’m not responsible for your happiness. You control that. So please, for the love of all that’s holy, grow the fuck up!

Being married brings with it adult situations. It’s not all fun and games. It’s too bad they don’t discuss that in school. It’s not one long date. You live together. You see each other in the morning before hair and make-up is done and when you have morning breath. You see each other when one of you is puking in the toilet or when one of you has gas or cramps. You see each other when you’re in a bad mood, or you’re sad, or you’re pissed. It’s years and years of living together, seeing each other at your worst, going through tough situations, supporting each other. It’s celebrating milestones together, buying and selling homes together, moving, consoling each other at the deaths of your parents, raising children and pets, discussing bills and taxes, negotiating all of life’s daily time sucks. The hot monkey sex, if you’re lucky enough to have that? That’s a part of the marriage. It’s not the entire marriage. Being your wife’s sole focus? That’s a fantasy. If you really want someone like that you’re going to end up with someone like Tracie Andrews! She’s not a balanced person. I can’t imagine the pressure of being everything to someone. Having friends, interacting with family, getting out into the community, having hobbies are all good things! If you’re much past the age of 5 and you’re still demanding someone focus on you 100% whenever you’re around you’re pretty much an entitled narcissist. Again, grow the fuck up!

That Time Lawrence Sanders Knocked It Out of the Park

I read a book by Lawrence Sanders many years ago.  I’m talking like more than 30 years ago.  The protagonist was a bodyguard for some rich, old man.  At one point in the story the old man has an escort up to his room and afterwards he somehow manages to get his junk stuck in his zipper.  The protagonist says at this point that he knew he would be dismissed from this detail because he had seen his employer embarrassed and vulnerable.  Sometimes I wonder if that’s what happened to us- me and Zack.

Things were good for us in the beginning.  I remember telling my hair stylist that I had always heard the first year was the hardest but our first year hadn’t been hard at all.  It’s like we were meant to be married. We didn’t fight and we had no problems that I can think of.  We were married over five years before our first child was born.  We moved a lot.  We did pretty much everything together.  We worked second shift for a year after we married.  That’s a hard shift to work and maintain a social life.  All of my friends worked regular 8-5 jobs.  So it was the two of us.  Then we moved.  We knew no one.  He worked third shift and I worked first so it worked out well.  He slept while I worked and vice versa. I remember we would get breakfast on Friday mornings and grab three or four movies to watch over the weekend.  Eventually he did move up to first shift and we would go out to dinner and to the movies every Friday night.  We ran errands together. We watched TV together, no separate shows. I’m pretty sure we went to bed at the same time, too. We loved to talk about our vision for our future. We really did do almost everything together.  Sure, he had no desire to go to the Elton John concert with me and he staunchly refused to watch me go skydiving but those are the only two things I can really think of, except for me visiting family, of course. Things were even better after we moved the third time.  We had a very active social life with other people and we loved the area.

His story has become that we grew apart once we had children.  I think we grew apart once he lost his job and I saw him at his most vulnerable.  That these events occurred within two weeks of one another is simply a fantastic coincidence.

I remember a friend once asking me if I had told him it was okay that he had lost his job and that I didn’t hold it against him or think less of him.  I never did because I didn’t think it was necessary.  It’s not like I spent any amount of time telling him what a worthless piece of shit he was or constantly degrading him.  I’m sure I was supportive and loving, as always.

I think having our first child did show me how selfish he could be but I’m not sure I would say we began to grow apart.  He simply thought of himself first.  I’ve relayed the story of how I had to go back to work two weeks after giving birth and he was busy working on finishing our upstairs.  It never occurred to him to offer to help me out.  What he needed to do was so much more important than what I needed to do.  Sadly, I put up with that.  I not only put up with it but also I made excuses for him.

Things weren’t horrible once we moved but they never went back to the original easiness. Perhaps because he was no longer my main focus and it is far easier to see someone’s faults when you are busy taking care of an actual baby instead of your husband masquerading as one. Things that I could have and would have done before Rock Star came along were now not the simple tasks they had been before. I didn’t have time to baby him because I had an extremely high needs infant that demanded my attention 24/7.  Things were downright bad shortly after I had Picasso and I don’t know why.  Seriously, Tammy Faye actually asked me if Picasso had been wanted because Zack acted like such an ass. I found myself feeling like I had tricked him into getting me pregnant and that’s not what happened at all.

He can go ahead and blame it on the kids.  Why not?  It’s not like he really thinks of them before doing anything anyway.  I continue to believe it really had very little to do with the fact we had kids.  I think more than anything his shell cracked and I saw it. I was there when he lost his job.  I was there when he was lying catatonic on the bed after the house appraisal came in after we had already moved. I was there when he messed up and had an affair and then had the audacity to not simply forget about it. Shoot, I was there when he ate the damn show lettuce at the company dinner. I had seen him vulnerable and defeated.  He was embarrassed by what had happened and I would always know the truth.  I was there for all of his failures and down times; she was shiny and new and offered a new beginning. I was dismissed.

Don’t Worry, Kids, This Is All Your Fault

I believe I have told the story of how Cousinfucker went into Picasso’s room after returning from his weekend fuck fest.  I had had the “privilege” of telling our kids their dad was in his home state with his girlfriend and we were going to be getting a divorce.  Oh, fun times!  Fun times!

Reminiscing aside he goes into this 13 year old boy’s room, crying, and tells him how he’s not going to deny he has a girlfriend but ever since having kids we have drifted apart.  You know how they say kids blame themselves and you should reassure them that it’s not their fault? Romeo really hit it out of the park.  He took the “It’s Completely Your Fault” approach.  Yes, had we not had those pesky kids that demanded time and attention I could have sat in the bedroom with him and watched endless amounts of A&E crap and SportsCenter scores.  I could have given him my full and undivided attention, all day every day.  He also chose to utilize the “Your Mom Wasn’t Giving Me Enough Attention” and “We Drifted Apart and Our Marriage Wasn’t Ever Very Happy” excuses to justify having an affair to his teenage son and to try to turn him against me.  Not gonna happen, Cousinfucker.  #sorrynotsorry

So, I got to thinking about this whole “drifting apart” thing.  I’ve concluded it’s a bunch of bullshit concocted by cheaters who want to excuse their boorish behavior  I don’t know if they really believe the sound of their own lies or if they’re just hoping it sounds good enough to convince the masses.  Regardless, I’m done with that excuse.

I’m also done with this idea that the affair is a symptom of what’s wrong in the marriage and not the actual disease.  If that were true why aren’t both of the people cheating?  Do the people who create this bullshit think it through?  Do they really think one person in the marriage is miserable and ripe for an affair while the other person is so deliriously happy they are farting rainbows and glitter?

Don’t even get me started on “You need to own your part and how you contributed to the problems in your marriage.”  I can sum that up quite nicely.  My contribution was forgiving the sonofabitch.  My contribution to the problems in the marriage was kissing his ass and putting up with his bullshit.  I led him to believe his egregious behavior was acceptable when it wasn’t.  That was my contribution.

I have concluded that pretty much everything I could take responsibility for leads back to him.  Not enough sex?  He kicked me out of our bed because he said he couldn’t deal with my snoring.  That wasn’t my doing.  He chose that.  Being in close proximity leads to more sex.  Chances were good that once I was banished to the couch I wasn’t going to get the kids ready for bed and then rush into the master bedroom to blow his mind and then return to the living room to watch NCIS.  Not my fault he didn’t like the consequences of sleeping apart.

We could also add the fact he’s the one that insisted our daughter sleep with us.  I tried to keep her out of the bed.  He kept sneaking her back in.  “She belongs here!” he would whine.  OK, we’ll let her sleep with us.  I voluntarily moved out of the bed when I was 7-8 months pregnant because I didn’t have enough room with him and a 2 year old in a queen size bed.  Once Picasso was born CF couldn’t sleep with him in his little bassinet in our room so once again I was banished.  Rock Star slept in the bed with CF and I slept on the daybed with the bassinet next to me so as not to disturb His Royal Highness.  A few months after Picasso was born we discovered that Rock Star was sleeping through the night and not going to the bathroom.  We bought her bunk beds and she was eager to sleep in them.  She slept in them for two days and then on the third day, Friday, her dad asked her if she wanted to sleep with him.  “I can’t go cold turkey.  She’s slept with us for two years!”  Sunday comes and she starts to get in bed with him and all of a sudden it’s, “Oh no!  I can’t have her sleeping with me tonight.  I need to get up in the morning for work and she’ll keep me up.”  Do you think she returned to her brand new bunk beds?  No, no she didn’t.  I ended up sleeping with both kids for the next 4 years.  Eventually he gave up the queen size bed and the master bedroom so the kids and I could sleep there and he moved to the downstairs bedroom.  But go ahead and blame me for that whole “drifting apart” and “never having sex” thing.  It was completely my fault.  I should have laid down with the kids, got them to sleep and then rushed right in to have sex with him and then after it was all over I could leave him to sleep all by himself where no one would disturb him and I would return to our children who had become accustomed to sleeping with their mom.  Like I said, completely my fault.

We drifted apart?  Hmmmm…. could that have had anything to do with the fact that he closed himself off in the basement, watching TV and eating dinner while I was expected to corral the young children so he could do all of that in peace?  Could it have anything to do with the fact that every time I would ask him if he wanted to join us he would decline?  I’m having a hard time taking complete responsibility for us “drifting apart” when every time I tried to pull him into our orbit he steadfastly refused.  He didn’t go with us when I visited family.  Once we moved to our former state he refused to associate with anybody whom he didn’t know.  Eventually it got to the point where he wouldn’t even socialize with co-workers.  I attended family funerals alone.  He resisted taking vacation time, saying it was twice as much work once he got back.  For some bizarre reason once we moved to our former state he decided to pretty much live in our/his bedroom.  There were a few times he ventured out, like when he got into playing a few games on the Wii, but if we didn’t immediately fawn all over him and the efforts he was making he would pout and once again retreat to the bedroom.  He pulled the same crap once we moved here.  He wouldn’t even sit on the enclosed porch or the couch in the living room.  It was too stressful for him.  He only felt “safe” in the bedroom.  Again, totally my fault if you asked him.  I didn’t love him enough.  My love was not strong enough to coax him out of the bedroom and ease him into a porch swing.

Did I spend too much time with the kids?  That’s a common complaint.  Here’s the thing about that.  One of us had to be the parent.  He pretty much abdicated that role.  If I acted the way he had acted we probably would have had our kids taken away from us due to neglect.  Instead of being a team he chose to let me do all of the work.  I did it without complaint most of the time because I figured that was simply the way we had decided to divide the household duties.  He worked and made the money and I took care of the house and the kids so that he could concentrate on his career.  Funny though how so many people manage to have a career and be a parent.  It’s truly amazing.  I don’t know how they do it. #sarcasm

He loved to use the ol’ “We’re nothing more than roommates,”  excuse.  That’s really weird because I distinctly remember telling him that since our kids were older and could be left alone for a few hours by themselves we should start having a date night.  His response?  Why would you want to do that with me?  I don’t know, dude; I really don’t know.  I guess that was my cue to beg him.  Oh please please let’s spend some time together.  Pretty please!

Any time I suggested counseling he was resistant to the idea and as I’ve recounted many times when he did go with me after being busted he didn’t really participate.  He sat there, let me do all the talking and then got pissed.

He saw himself as nothing more than a wallet and a handyman and yet he never did anything about it.  He didn’t spend a lot of time with our kids.  He bought them stuff instead.  I remember finally putting my foot down and telling the kids they would now get an allowance and once that was used up there would be no more toys because every time we went out he would let them pick something out.

Remember, too, that after my first D-Day, when I was “taking responsibility” for getting to this point he pointed out things he wished I would change and I did it.  He told me I had stopped wearing make-up and that made him feel like I didn’t care about him anymore. So I made sure to always wear make-up, even if it meant applying it (or farding) right before he got home. I wore my hair up all the time- either in a ponytail, or a ponytail twisted up into a bun.  Again, I’m sure that was proof I no longer loved him or gave a damn. But damn if I didn’t start wearing my hair down more often so he could view my long locks cascading over my shoulders.  He wished I would text him more, like the whore did because it made him feel so in touch with her and he wanted that with me now. So I did even though I hated it.  When I didn’t take the time to get manicures and pedicures it made him feel like I didn’t care- again!  This one was a Catch-22, though, because even though I did it I’m sure he now uses that to demonstrate how I wontonly spent all his money!  I want you to sleep in our bed again (and if you fall asleep on the couch that’s proof you don’t love me!).  Watch me mow the lawn!  Bring me a cool drink!  Just touch me and look at me with love in your eyes all the time!  I couldn’t have jumped any higher if I had a set of rocket boots!

The really sad part is he could be an extremely funny guy.  The kids genuinely liked spending time with him.  Some of my favorite memories are when we would all go out on Christmas Eve.  We’d go bowling, sometimes catch a movie, and eat dinner out.  Rock Star would comment how her friends all loved her dad and thought he was hilarious.  When he would finally agree to go with us he was usually a lot of fun to be around.  There were times I honestly believed he was more patient with the kids than I was.  Of course, when you’re only dealing with them a few days out of the year you always seem more patient than the parent who is dealing with them day in and day out.  He simply never bothered to show that side of himself very often.

Did we drift apart like he claims?  Possibly, although I didn’t do it on my own; he contributed to that as well.  Did we have an unhappy marriage for a long time?  I will dispute that; we struggled for a while but we were happy until the last 6 months or so.  Was he nothing more than a wallet and a paycheck?  I certainly never looked at him that way; he put himself into that role and then complained.

Don’t worry about looking inward, Zack.  I’m sure this new relationship with Harley is perfection.  What could go wrong when you have two lying cheaters get together?  No, don’t look at your own issues and your own contributions to the decline of our marriage; you go ahead and tell our kids that they are to blame.  Hell, Harley has four of them so when that relationship falls apart maybe you can blame her kids next.

Things I Worry About Today

Yesterday was a melancholy day for some reason.  I thought maybe writing out some of my worries might help to alleviate them.  Worst case scenario I can look back in a year or two and laugh.  “Oh, Sam, can you believe you ever worried about *that*?”

I worry about what I’m going to do when we’re finally divorced.  I’ll have no insurance.  No prescription coverage.  No dental.  No vision.  I’m a relatively healthy person but it would be just my luck that when I have no insurance I would be suddenly hit with a catastrophic accident or illness.

I worry about the house and what’s going to happen there.  On the one hand I know I don’t want to stay here for the long term.  I’m hoping for another 2 1/2 years.  By the time we are finally divorced it will be less than 2 years I’ll need a place to stay around here.  I don’t want to be left trying to sell the house on my own.  Quite frankly I think if we end up taking a loss he should be responsible for 100% of it seeing as how it was his own bone-headed, erection-driven decisions that led to us selling 2-3 years after buying it.  I also know I absolutely cannot refinance the house in my name alone, and even if we did a quit claim (?) I’m back to the whole “I don’t want to be responsible for selling the house and dealing with any repairs plus any huge financial losses”.  But I’m also not sure where I can rent in my kids’ school district that will also accept pets.  Did I mention I have 3 dogs and 3 cats?  See, I used to own my own home and I kind of arranged my life around that.  I didn’t make decisions based upon, “What if my husband leaves me for his skank ass cousin?”  This is now my dilemma. My hope is that the divorce is not finalized until late this year and that a judge, if it goes to court, will give me 12-18 months before I need to put the home up for sale.

I worry about what’s going to happen when my daughter graduates.  I know I still have time, but a year ago I would have said that she was going to have a fabulous party and we’d give her a wonderful graduation gift- probably a destination trip.  Now I have no idea what I’m going to be able to do.  Graduation gift?  Don’t make me laugh.  I’ll be lucky if I manage to scrape together enough money to throw a graduation party for her- a graduation party that will be sparsely attended for that matter.  I have like 3 friends here- 2 of them have daughters that will have already graduated by the time mine does so I’m not sure how much I’ll be interacting with them.  Most of my friends are in YYY state.  Cousinfucker and his family won’t be in attendance.  I’m going to have a party with less than 20 people in attendance.  For a graduation.  I’m thinking she will be better off just going out to dinner with us.  That goddamn motherfucking pig shit wearing waste of oxygen breathing cousinfucker has taken all this away from my child!  And I hate him for that.  I honestly do not care about him at all as a husband.  Run away, Cousinfucker!  Go fuck your cousin and tell your mommy all about it.  But DO NOT FUCK WITH MY KIDS!  I’m thinking about the graduation announcements and senior pictures.  Hell, do we need to rent or buy caps and gowns?  I graduated over 25 years ago; I honestly don’t remember what we did, and even if I did I’m sure it has changed.

I worry that my kids will have issues down the road.  And I sometimes wonder if my son is taking this too well.  Sometimes I tell myself that it is the benefit of having a father who wasn’t very involved anyway; the kid doesn’t miss him.  But other times I wonder, “Is it natural to be this blasé about your father’s disappearance in your life?”  My son has actually told people, “My dad is dead to me.”  He cares nothing about him.  My daughter is still willing to text him in order to get her allowance or to wish him a happy birthday or even to thank him for the Christmas gift.  My son?  Does.Not.Care.  He’s said outright he does not care if his dad ever gives him another dime.  He tells me there’s nothing he needs.  When I told him he needed to at least text his dad to thank him for the gift card he told me he didn’t have his number; he had deleted him from his contacts.  And he has mentioned more than once that he can no longer trust his dad, that he thinks his dad just used him to try to get him on “his side”, as my son puts it.

Honestly, I figured if one of the kids was more reluctant to take sides it would be him.  He longed for a relationship with his dad.  But he’s the one that he has really distanced himself.  That boy could give classes on No Contact.  My daughter is more practical.  She’s willing to deal with her dad in order to get her allowance and her long promised car.

That brings me to my next worry.  Her having a car would really help me out.  She could drive herself to her own practices.  She could drive herself and her brother to school.  That would give me a little more freedom in regards to getting a job.  However, my guess is Cousinfucker is once again going to plead poverty when it comes time to buying her a car.  Let’s give the poor guy a break.  He’s already promised a car to Harley’s daughter and it’s really tough buying two cars.  If you have to choose between your whore’s kid and your own child what sensible person is going to choose their own?  Am I right?  And seeing as how I’m already paying *his* car insurance I’m not seeing where he’s going to stand up and pay for her car insurance.

I worry about her a lot.  I worry she’s putting too much pressure on herself.  I worry she won’t have good relationships with boys.  I worry about her migraines.  I worry about the anxiety she says she’s feeling.

I wonder (not worry) whether or not I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.  Will I ever find someone else?  Someone who will treat me right.  Someone who will want to go places with me and do things with me.  Someone who will want to be a part of my family.  Someone who will embrace my kids and enjoy hanging out with them, too. Someone who isn’t a drama queen.  Someone who isn’t a miserable shit eating chimp and who won’t bring everyone around him down with him.  Someone who won’t fuck his cousin.  It’s those little things, ya know?

Honestly, I know I don’t *need* another man in my life.  If I look back over the last twenty-one years I feel like I was pretty much on my own the entire time.  I guess maybe we had a good five years before kids came along and he became a gigantic pain in my ass.  Becoming a parent changed my life.  It didn’t seem to change his, though.  And that’s where the problem is.  He still wanted a doting wife that tended to his every need.  After I took care of everything else.

But I would *like* to have someone I could share my life with.  It would be nice, as I said above, if there was someone out there who was willing to go places with me, do things with me.  When I am reluctant to do something, or don’t have the energy to do something, it would be nice to have someone cheering me on.  “Come on, Sam; it will be fun!  I’ll be right there with you.”  Instead I got, “Okay, let’s just go home.”  Or even better, he just wasn’t there to begin with.

I see friends who have husbands that actually *interact* with them and with the kids.  I think that would be nice.  Not a necessity but nice.  The guy that is, not the interaction.

In the end it’s all the not knowing that worries me the most.  I suppose time will tell.  Here’s to hoping that when I look back on this list in a year I’ll be able to laugh.