Was He Always Cheating?

I don’t know why but a thought suddenly popped into my head. I hadn’t thought about this in years. It didn’t even occur to me either time I was finding out about Harley’s glorious presence.

Waaaaaay back in the beginning of our marriage, like year 2 or 3, I remember seeing an email from him to what was obviously another woman. He was complimenting her breasts and asking for more pictures.

I know what you’re thinking.

Jesus Christ, Sam! You said you thought he’d never cheat on you. The real head scratcher is how on earth you thought he wouldn’t cheat on you?

What can I say? I’m slow in the driveway. I found out five years ago (twice in a three month period!) that he’s capable of betrayal. I’ve been living through this shit show for the last three years. I’ve been busy. With all this trauma I’ve been dealt I think I might have repressed the memory.

Do you want to hear the story or not? I thought so. Let’s stop picking on me and concentrate our efforts on him.

It’s been twenty years or so; the story is a little faded at this point, but some details remain sharp. I remember coming across the email and being hurt, pissed, and horrified. I remember thinking, “Oh God, I need to lose weight! I’d better get started before it gets out of control; right now it’s not so bad, just a few pounds. But if I keep ignoring it he may find someone else and I’ll be wishing I had started losing weight back when I first found out his attention had started to wander.” That’s pretty sad, isn’t it?

I’m pretty sure this happened at the same time we had tickets to go see Patty Loveless. I know we were not talking and I so badly wanted us to be able to communicate. I’m pretty sure we weren’t talking because of this.

When we finally did start talking he told me it was pictures he had seen online. I questioned why he emailed her then and his response was that this was the way it worked. You complimented their pictures in the hopes that they would send you more. That’s all it was. He didn’t know her. He hadn’t ever met her. She was some woman on the Internet, posting naked pictures of herself.

I wasn’t happy about it, and I let him know that, but I bought the explanation. It has stayed safely tucked away for twenty years.

Until now. Now I realize I was quite naive. I so solidly bought into this idea that he was loyal and would never cheat on me, that even when the signs were there I couldn’t comprehend what was going on.

Maybe he was telling the truth and this really was some amateur (or not so amateur) Internet porn star. Maybe he had never met this person. Or, maybe it was a co-worker. I don’t think he ever met up with this person, although why I should give him the benefit of the doubt is beyond me. It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. Once again I am shown that he was never the person I thought he was. The signs were always there. I was oblivious to them.

I know it’s a fruitless question but I’m left wondering, “Was he ever faithful to me, or was he cheating from Day 1?” The positive side of this is that I keep being given ample evidence that he sucks. It also proves that whatever it is that Harley thinks she’s got, she doesn’t. That man has deep, dark secrets and they just keep coming.

It’s like the scene in Men In Black when the alien takes over Edgar’s body. CF wears a suit of lies. It looks like everything you want. It looks like someone faithful and loyal. Someone who has achieved great things and has much success. Someone who values a partner and a family. It reflects back whatever it is you want. It’s an illusion. The person CF claims to be isn’t real. He’s just an alien in an Edgar suit.

 

 

Getting Through the Anti-versaries

May 2015

Nothing much to say, I suppose.  I could make stuff up.  I got my hair done today.  We’re replacing the air conditioning unit and getting a new humidifier.  Hooray for that!  Now maybe I won’t shock myself next winter!

Yesterday marked the 2 year anti-versry of Zack “confessing” to texting various women.  Actually, it marks the 2 year anti-versary of him being forced to admit he had been texting Harley.

It’s strange how our lives coincide.  My wedding anniversary is in December.  Her wedding anniversary is in December.  My birthday is the same day of the month as her wedding anniversary.  My birthday is at the end of one month.  Her birthday is the end of the following month.  I met Zack at the beginning of May; their affair began right around the same time that our relationship started.  He asked me to marry him on May 7th.  He told his nephew he was going to marry her on May 9th.  He half-heartedly confessed his affair on May 11th.

It takes a lot to stay focused during Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and all summer, basically, because that’s when it all began.  April through August I have to try to disregard any notice of the significance.  Hell, the day after our daughter’s birthday is the day the bitch basically said:  I’m fucking your husband!  And then I can relax until October, which is when I discovered him telling his nephew he was going to marry his whore.  Then I have about another month before our anniversary comes up and I deal with all sorts of triggers with that.  I’m hoping that this year all is good.

I do want to get to that point where we celebrate our anniversary as a victory.  A celebration of all the years of our marriage, not just the blissfully happy ones.  I want to be happy.  I want to be content.  I see some of these women on blogs who are so angry years later and I don’t want to be that.  If the affair is still causing you significant pain and unhappiness 3, 4, 5 years later (in some cases even more), then maybe it’s time to move on.  For my part I don’t read the infidelity blogs much anymore.  I deliberately pass right over them most days.  It helps, I’m sure, that so many of my favorites don’t write much anymore.  That’s the rub.  They write to heal and once they’re healed there is no need to write…

I feel like I have mostly let go of it.  Today I even gave thought to wishing him a happy anniversary on FB this year. I don’t know if that will happen or not but I consider it progress.

Obviously, I am in a situation where the OW won’t go away and die but I try not to think about her too much.  I think about her affair with my husband even less.  I am trying to keep the crazy hidden and look on the positive side.  It doesn’t always work but I am trying and that should count for something.

I guess I’m done for today.  Or for now.

Present Day Sam Says: I feel compelled to point out that when he originally confessed to texting with various women he really was texting various women. He was a male whore. A serial sexter!

I find it sad how much I wanted to believe the lies I was telling myself. It’s going to get better. We’re going to get through this. I need to trust him. I’m evolving. I’m thinking of it less and less. I’m making progress.

You know, marriage shouldn’t be that hard. You shouldn’t be dealing with all that crap. If you are, your marriage is probably already over. Call it! Time of death- May 2015.

 

My Bitch List, Part 14

Part 14 will conclude the Airing of the Grievances. If you’ve been following along on my blog for a while now these will probably, once again, be repeats but I wanted to put them in a neat, tidy list!

  • He moved out of the state after moving us 2000 miles away from our lives. On top of that he didn’t even bother to tell his children that he moved. He didn’t tell them he moved out of the house, much less that he moved out of the fucking state!
  • He also resigned from his job of 15 years.
  • He told people I not only threw away all of his clothes, but also that I tossed them into garbage bags and threw them in the trash. They were all hanging in the damn guest room closet! He lived in that room for 5 months. He knew they were there. The rest of his clothes, the ones in the dressers, were still sitting there. They’re *still* sitting there. He knew that, too, seeing as how he came into my room to grab them.
  • He insists upon telling people that I threw everything associated with him away. I’m guessing he’s talking about pictures. Not true. They’re all either in drawers or sitting on the floor up against the wall. It’s not like he has to dig around in the attic to find them!
  • He’s telling people I made him move. He told his daughter he had no choice and told his sister that I made him leave his home and his kids AND that I wouldn’t allow him to take anything from the house with him. Again, not true. He merely had to pay rent.
  • After driving to see his whore every single weekend from August-February (a 6 hour drive one way) once he moved he actually expected our daughter to drive to see him. Yes, he wanted a brand new driver to get on the highway/toll road, drive 70 mph and make a 7 hour trip to see him because he couldn’t be bothered to drive to see her and her brother.
  • He angrily told our son, “Why don’t you read the court document and stop listening to everything you’re told?” when he asked about their allowances. That would be the same son he tried to justify his affair to by telling him we hadn’t been happy since having kids.
  • Now he’s telling our daughter he has no money because he has to pay off all the credit cards that I ran up.
  • Found out he had another emotional/sexting affair. Sonofabitch! And once again he lied like a rug about it when confronted. He told me she was a stalker, someone he had tried to help but then she ended up becoming inappropriate with him. Liar!
  • Tried to get his daughter to play into his pity party when she didn’t recognize him on Memorial Day. Told her she knew it was the worst day of the year for him, every year. She replied that the worst day of her life was finding out her dad was cheating on her mom. His response? I’m sorry about that but your mom never loved me. So I guess that makes it okay to cheat? Ever heard of divorcing BEFORE you find your next wife?
  • He resigned from his new job, checked into a psych ward and told me he wasn’t going to be sending me anymore money which forced his daughter to switch schools her junior year of high school. Twenty-one years of listening to him bitch about how he hated switching schools all the time when he was younger for what? At least he never had to switch high schools. It also forced us to move, yet again, over 600 miles away and move in with my mom. My kids have had to leave all of their new friends behind. My daughter has had to give up being the captain of the gymnastics team and probably the captain of the cheerleading team, as well. She has resigned herself to simply going to school and working. Hooray!
  • He moved us the first time, wrecking any chance she had of getting a gymnastics scholarship because there were no gyms close by. Now he has wrecked any chance of her getting a cheerleading scholarship because none of the damn schools up here have competitive cheer. He has also completely taken gymnastics away from her. It’s done. There are no teams at the high schools and it was way too expensive to send her to a private club. Thanks, Dad! Hey, can you get your whore to come tell me what a great father you are again? I’d love to punch her in her fucking face right about the time she finished up with, “He’s such a good dad!” BAM! Shut your fucking mouth, whore!
  • Thanks to this new move, my daughter has to start all over with a learner’s permit. I spent $200 on nothing.
  • Shit Face can’t be bothered to contact his own kids but has no problems posing on FB with his fake son.
  • Despite the fact that he isn’t divorced and despite the fact that he was having an affair he has a picture of the whore and him together as his profile picture and lists his status as “in a relationship” with the whore.

Hopefully there will not be a part 15. Hopefully he will stay out of my life and out of my sight and I will never have cause to create another list about the dumb/insensitive/nasty/disrespectful/selfish things he’s done.

Was This Another Sexting Buddy?

 

August 2014

Sonofabitch! I had a whole post and this stupid thing ate it!

There is a girl, or rather a woman, I suppose who works at the former plant and who continues to text Zack. I will call her Daniella for this Blast From the Past. On the surface if seems fairly innocent. I first saw texts from her when I went through his phone. She was talking about work and then veered off into her plans for the weekend, or maybe the holiday. At the time I was thinking there was no need for her to share that with him, and there was certainly no need for him to encourage her. I believe she mentioned something about going to a bbq and he responded, “Atta girl,” or something similar. I do remember thinking, “Oh hell no! There is no need for this.” But I feel awkward every time I go through his phone, like it’s proof I don’t trust him. I don’t want him to feel badly.

Then today he tells me she sent him a text that starts out, “This place sucks!” And pretty much bitching about how things are being done now. And again I’m thinking, “Oh hell no!” There is simply no reason for this.

The way I see it it’s about boundaries. You set boundaries so you don’t have to worry about seemingly innocent things- words, gestures, text messages- being taken the wrong way and leading to something else. That’s how it usually starts. She talks to him about work, she mentions her plans for the weekend. Oh that sounds like fun. Well, if you hadn’t moved 2000 miles away you could join me. Me? I’m a married man; my wife wouldn’t like that. Oh, I wouldn’t tell. I’m looking for something with no strings attached. And BOOM! He finds himself in divorce court, his kids hate him, and I move back to our old state, or possibly my home state. With the kids. Or, she complains about her personal life, he listens and gives advice, he complains about me, she sympathizes and assures him she would never be like that. They become one another’s confidant and before you know it they believe they’re madly in love and have found their true soul mate.

I suppose he gave me an opening. The next time he mentions Daniella I’m going to tell him I don’t approve. Or more to the point I do not like it. I may even bring it up before he mentions her again.

I think I’m a little bit crazy. I was just imaging our conversation and I went from rational to insane in about 30 seconds. This is my part in my imaginary conversation: Why is she still texting you? (We’re co-workers. It’s just about work.) You don’t work with her anymore. You’re no longer her boss. I’m sure if I had worked with a man out in our old city and he kept texting me you wouldn’t like it. (It’s no big deal. It’s about work!) No, it’s not; I’ve seen those texts. You were asking her about her weekend. Telling her Atta girl when she told you what she was up to. It’s none of your business what she does in her free time. Why do you even care? Hey, I’ve got an idea since you’re so concerned about her. Why don’t you get her a job at the plant out here and that way you can see her and watch over her every single day. Then you can start fucking her and then you can divorce my ass and you can listen to your precious little Daniella tell you all about every fucking move she makes every fucking second of the day!” See? I told you I was crazy.

Found Another One, Part 1

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Note:  This is my 100th entry!  I was going to do a separate post but I think this one is rather appropriate for this milestone.

“Do you think he’s done this before?”

That was a question my mom asked me when I told her about Zack and his affair with Harley.

My response at the time was I didn’t see how. He wasn’t a social person.  He wasn’t like some of the people you hear about who always had an excuse for why they weren’t home- golfing, drinks with the guys, boys only weekends, etc.  He went to work and came home.  He didn’t travel frequently for business- maybe once every two-four months, and usually only  a day or two. Usually it wasn’t even that much.  He had an annual business meeting that lasted for about 5 days but he always came back talking about everything that went on there. He was a homebody, holed up in the bedroom watching television and working on genealogy charts. Hell, he didn’t even like socializing with our friends.

I remember getting ready to leave for a friend’s 40th surprise birthday party.  Zack worked with the man, I was friends with his wife, and our daughters were friends as well.  At the last minute, after he had gotten ready, he began pouting.  “I don’t want to go to this.  I’m not even supposed to socialize with everyone there because I’m their boss and I could get fired for that!”  Fucking drama queen!  I had had enough at that point and I was going, dammit!  I told the pouting little princess he could sit his ass at home.  “Don’t go then!”  I went and when people asked me where Zack was I would reply, “He’s at home.”  “Oh.  What’s wrong with him?” would usually be the followup question.  “Ask him yourself on Monday,” was my response.  I had had it; I was done making excuses for his shitty, anti-social behavior.

Oh!  Sudden memory block removed.  That’s probably yet another reason he’s given for cheating on me.  I didn’t support him and offer up excuses for his shitty behavior.  Sorry.  Back to the scheduled entry.

Anyway, when my mom asked me that I, again, replied that I didn’t think he had cheated with anyone else.  Didn’t see when he could have found the time or opportunity.  No, he found real love with Harley.  She made him happy several years ago and by golly he was going to reclaim that happiness with his exit affair.

It’s funny how your mind works, though.  After my little dustup with him last week a memory popped into my head.  I cannot remember for the life of me when this happened but I do remember exactly where I was.  I was in our master bathroom, and we were both getting ready.  I’m fairly sure I was wearing a robe and he was either naked, or almost naked, getting ready to get in the shower.

I had received a friend request from a woman probably several weeks prior.  Upon checking out her profile I saw she was from the same area as one of my cousins so I figured she was a friend of hers.  I accepted the friend request.  Now, several weeks later I’m getting this strange message from her.  There were two of them.  I can’t remember exactly what she said and I’ve searched and searched my timeline history, messages history, Facebook folder on email, and archives but everything must have been deleted.  I do know the messages were slightly ominous.  Along the lines of, “Do you know what your husband is up to?” and “There are some things about your husband I think you should know.”

I’m going to take a minute right here to do a PSA.  I know there is a lot of debate on whether or not you tell a person about their cheating spouse.  I’m not going to offer up my thoughts right now on which way I think a person should go but I will say this.  If you do decide to tell don’t start it off with cryptic messages.  You go full monty on the person.  Your husband (or wife) is fucking Susie (or Joe) down at Hooter’s.  They regularly meet up on Tuesdays when your husband tells you he’s going bowling.  They have sex in the minivan.  Bob, Tom, and Charlie all know about this and cover for him regularly.  His last “business trip” wasn’t a business trip at all.  He took Susie to Aruba for a romantic weekend. I’m attaching a picture of the two of them together as proof. This was taken last week when he was “working late”.  He was actually celebrating his six month anniversary with Susie.  Let me know if you want further details.  That’s how you tell a person.  Otherwise, this can happen….

I asked Zack if he knew this person.  He admitted he did.  Said he had thought she was a customer.  Offered up that she had sent him a friend request on LinkedIn and because he believed she was a customer he accepted the request.  He asks me why and I blurt out the whole story; I even read him the strange messages.  That’s when he ups the ante.  He tells me he gave her some professional advice, trying to help her out, and she became inappropriate with him.  He may have even mentioned how she became stalker-like.  He had to unfriend her and block her and he advised me to do the same.  “She’s a kook.  Just block her and delete that stuff.”  So I did.

Not that it matters in the long run but I tend to think this happened after he supposedly called things off with Harley the first time.  I keep thinking I felt like we were in a good place, which is why I was so shocked to receive this.  It would also explain the quick confrontation.  It would make sense if I already had evidence that he would cheat.  It also explains why I was so quick to believe his nonsense.

The end to this long story is this:  The memory popped into my mind.  I couldn’t remember her name but I had an inkling (and I was correct as far as her first name went).  I checked my Facebook emails, my archives, my timeline, old messages…. everything I could think of.  I spent probably 18 hours tracking this person down. Yes, I am like a dog with a bone when I latch onto something.  I finally found her name and wouldn’t you know, there were seven or eight of them so then I had to go through all of their profiles. This one is from Idaho and this one is brunette and that one is from Hawaii and… oh, bingo!  Perhaps.  I thought I had found the correct one but I wanted to make sure.  It had been two or three years. I thought her job sounded familiar but I wasn’t 100% positive.  I recalled from the time we were “friends” that she had a very recognizable picture on her timeline.  I searched through her photos.  No similar picture. In fact, she didn’t appear to have a lot of pictures on her page.  Maybe this was a new page and I had the wrong person?  I started going through her entire timeline on her page.  Time intensive.  Tedious.  Worth it!  Eventually I found one of those, “Your life on Facebook” stories.  I couldn’t review the pictures; it kept taking me to a link where I could create my own life story.  But- there was a thumbnail with the link and there it was- the picture I remembered.  It was tiny because it was part of a collage but I recognized it.  It was her. I sent her a message, letting her know I was interested in hearing what she had to say and she responded.

I know you will all be surprised to find out she wasn’t a stalker at all and he did not help her professionally.  In fact, he didn’t even connect with her on LinkedIn.  Oh no!  Lying Romeo, unbeknownst to me, had a Kik account and a Thumb account.  That’s where he met her.  She was another sexting partner.  She also told me some rather disturbing things about him which I will keep private.  I will say, however, that those things have really made me question who the hell I was married to for the last twenty plus years.  I will also say she told me she thought he was an asshole and a pervert and that he said horrible things about me.  Surprise, surprise!  It’s good to see that some things never change.

So, it looks like Harley wasn’t the only one.  As a friend of mine put it, “Where there’s two there’s bound to be more.”  I’m now wondering if I need to go amend my “The Whole Sad Story” posts.  As you may recall, in the very beginning, when I found the drama queen sitting in the bathtub looking like he was having an anxiety attack  he told me had been texting other women.  He told me there were three of them; he went on to further elaborate that he didn’t “know” two of them but he did know the third.  Yeah, that was our little white trash ex-con Harley.  I always figured the other two must have been people he met playing online games on his phone.  After finding out he was telling people he was going to marry Harley I asked him if there were even other women or if he had made them up to protect her and keep me from realizing how serious their relationship had always been.  He admitted that the other two women were people he had met on public Internet forums. Everything was out in the open, he had given them advice, and nothing inappropriate had actually happened with them.  Harley was the only one with whom he was having any kind of an affair.  Perhaps he felt he had a chance to grab a “Get Out of Jail Free” card and could disavow any relationship with the other two.  Maybe he decided it was far better to admit to a serious relationship with Harley as opposed to letting me think he had numerous sexting buddies.  Whatever the case may be I am on unsure footing.  Was he lying then, when he said he made them up?  Or was he simply lying the entire time?  Were there three?  Were there more than three?  How long had he been doing this?  In some ways I’d like to know if he was sexting with this other person (I’ll call her Anne) the entire time he was sexting with Harley or if he began a relationship with her after he called it quits with Harley.  I know it doesn’t matter.  He’s a lying liar who lies and a cheating cheater who cheats.  That’s all I need to know.  For some reason I think it would make me feel better to know the entire time he’s telling people he’s going to marry his gold digging ex-con that he’s sexting other women.  A vindication perhaps.  See?  You’re nothing special, Harley.  He’s cheating on you just like he cheated on me.  You don’t make him any happier than I did.

Stay tuned.  I’ve got more to say on this topic.

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