It’s An Infidelity Plague!

Full disclosure- I have no idea who the Try Guys are. I mean, I’ve read the headlines about the one who was all about his wife going out and cheating on his wife- with an engaged co-worker. Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, he went and had a consensual relationship with the engaged co-worker. Don’t want to risk a lawsuit.

I did a Google search. I know the basics. But until little charlatan Ned was caught cheating on his wife, Ariel, I had never heard of them.

Aside from saying I am very impressed that those that worked with him have distanced themselves from him and fired him I’m not going to write about yet another sad situation where a man professes to love his wife only to blindside her by cheating on her. No, I’m going to tackle a comment someone left on one of the articles about this.

A real forward thinking scholar left this comment:

How about people OPEN their fucking marriages? Or too much for the “religious” community? Both men and women cheat, how about stop calling it cheating? It’s natural and consensual.

You dumb bitch. Sorry- I had to get that out the way real quick. Besides, both men and women cuss and call people bitches. It’s natural. Especially when someone is a dumb bitch. #smileyface

How about people OPEN their fucking marriages?

Sweetie, the time to open your marriage is before you start to cheat. That’s a talk you should have before you have sex with someone else. And as I always like to point out, open relationships have rules, too.

If Ned and Ariel had an open marriage but one of Ariel’s rules was that Ned was not to sleep with any co-workers then BOOM he just broke that rule. Cheaters don’t like to follow rules. Period. It will never be enough. It will never be open enough. And quite frankly that’s a shitty reaction to infidelity.

“Oh, he cheated on you? Why don’t you just let him fuck other women and then it won’t be a problem?”

Why should anyone have an open marriage in the hopes of staving off infidelity if they don’t want an open marriage? Wouldn’t the actual solution be to marry someone like-minded? I realize it’s not working out all that great because some people have a tendency to lie but this idea that if everyone opened their marriages, whether they wanted to or not, all would be blissful is just shit.

Or too much for the “religious” community?

Honey, you’re putting stuff where it doesn’t belong. I don’t think it’s “religious” communities that say no to open marriages. I think it’s most people that say no. I mean, I’m not particularly religious and I have no desire for an open relationship. Because you know what else is natural? Jealousy. And that hinders an open relationship. It hinders even the desire for an open relationship.

So, I don’t think there are millions upon millions of people out there saying, “You know, if only my church didn’t forbid it….” I think most people are perfectly happy with the idea of having only one partner.

And again I will point out that there are many people out there who are very much into the idea of an open marriage for themselves, but don’t really think their partner needs an open marriage as well. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander, according to their thinking.

Both men and women cheat, how about stop calling it cheating?

Oh, honey. We call it cheating because that’s what it is. Doesn’t matter if both men and women do it. It’s still cheating. Popularity or lack of popularity also do not define the word.

People do all sorts of things they shouldn’t. People shoplift- both men, women, old, young. Should we stop calling it shoplifting? Despite the fact that many people do it it’s still shoplifting when you take something without paying for it. Crazy, I know! Both men and women murder people. Should we stop calling it murder? Hang on tight because I know you’re never going to believe this! Despite the fact that both men and women murder people it’s still called murder and it’s still illegal.

How about this? How about we stop calling it cheating when the person is no longer cheating? If you both agree you want to open the marriage up I wouldn’t call that cheating. That’s an open relationship. You agree on monogamy and then you go fuck your secretary behind your wife’s back? That’s cheating. Doesn’t even matter if said wife is fucking the pool boy behind your back. You agreed on monogamy. You’re both liars. And yeah, even though you’re both lying to the other it’s still lying. Lying is when you don’t tell the truth. That doesn’t change depending on who’s doing it or how often. Quite honestly, in that situation I might even suggest an open marriage for the two of you. But as long as you both agree that you want a monogamous relationship you are cheating when you do the opposite of what you said you wanted.

It’s natural and consensual.

No, it’s not. It’s only consensual if everyone is in agreement- not just the two people hooking up behind their partners’ backs. I assure you the duped spouse, or spouses, is/are not consenting. They weren’t even given the option. The consensual part is only on the cheaters’ side. The betrayed spouses have absolutely no say in the matter.

Maybe what you meant to say is, “It’s selfish and a clear example of entitlement.”

Cheating In An Open Relationship, Part 2

I’m on a roll so I may as well keep going.

This is from a Newsweek “article” that explores Reddit threads. This is a new one though. It’s called TrueOffMyChest and not the usual AmITheAsshole.

Unsurprisingly, 52 percent of Ashley Madison members think that society would benefit from normalizing non-monogamy. 60 percent believed the divorce rate would drop, while 50 percent felt there would be less pressure to meet a partner’s sexual needs.

Oh, Ashley Madison members think this? Well, it must be true then! I know I base all of my decisions and thoughts off of people who sign up online to defraud their partners.

I’ll bite. So 52% of you think society as a whole would benefit from normalizing non-monogamy and 60% of you think the divorce rate would drop? Hmmm… why is that? Is it because you once again place the onus of infidelity on the faithful spouse who doesn’t want to “share”? You think that being allowed to have sex with other people suddenly makes all the lies and deceit go away? You wouldn’t have to be slithering around a website, using a username, and meeting up behind your spouse’s back if only you had free reign to hump anything that moved?

Interesting. I think the woman from the previous would disagree.

And then along comes the writer who tells her tale. A year ago her husband told her he was no longer physically attracted to her (definitely a her issue) and he wanted to open their marriage. Not sure if this is important to the story, but it does note the couple hadn’t had sex in almost five years, since their youngest child was born.

The husband assures his wife that he loves her “more than anything in the world” and tells her that the rest of the relationship is perfect but he has to have sex or he’s going to go crazy.

Surprisingly, the wife does not toss him out on his ass. Instead, she asks questions. What is his definition of an open marriage? What are the rules, if any? They discuss it for several weeks and eventually the wife agrees to it. The rules are as follow: 1) They won’t bring new partners to their home, 2) They will always use protection, and 3) They will keep each other up to date with who they are with and where they are.

Pretty simple, right? Nothing outrageous. The wife didn’t even have a list of people who were off limits. No: Don’t fuck my sister. Don’t fuck my boss. Don’t see anybody more than two times.

In this case, they didn’t even have an, “I have to be there and participate, too,” rule. They were what I like to call free range open marriage. Some couples prefer to play together and can’t imagine doing it any other way while others, like this couple, opt to have encounters away from their primary partner.

Within a week the husband was meeting new women, showing his wife their pictures, and being gone most nights. Meanwhile, the wife is at home taking care of their kids and as she put it, “feeling like shit.” To her credit, she decided she needed to give it time instead of pulling the plug on this experiment.

The wife goes on to explain that she needs to feel a connection to her sexual partners. She eventually begins to flirt with a co-worker. The co-worker reciprocates. She tells him about the arrangement she has with her husband. The co-worker, after giving it some thought, decides he’s okay with it and agrees to meet up with her.

Wife goes home, asks her husband (who, remember, is out banging everything in sight) if he is doing anything on Friday. Husband says no, she tells him about the co-worker and shows him a picture. Tells him she’s meeting up with this guy on Friday. Husband was silent.

Interesting development. He loved an open marriage when he was the one showing pictures and meeting up with various women while the little wife stayed home and took care of his progeny. Now he’s a little hushed. Interesting.

To no one’s shock Friday rolls around and the husband texts to let the wife know he’s stuck at work and couldn’t watch the kids. I’m sure it was just a one off. But no! The story continues… This happened for several weeks. Wife’s supposed to meet up with co-worker. Husband is stuck at work. No one to watch the progeny. How does this keep happening?

Finally, after being annoyed that her plans must continually be canceled due to her husband’s sudden heavy workload the wife begins to think outside the box. We shall meet for lunch. She schedules a nooner.

The wife writes that it was amazing and she had missed this so much. She felt desired and lusted after. It was perfect.

You know who wasn’t happy? Her husband. Mr. Let’s Open The Marriage himself. He was livid! He insisted she had broken a rule by not telling him beforehand. The wife replied that she had told him and that he had known for weeks that she was trying to make time to meet up with this guy. I hope she pointed out also that she would have met him far earlier if not for husband’s unfortunate job responsibilities making it impossible for him to be home to watch their children.

He gives her the silent treatment for the rest of the night and then wakes her up in the middle night for sex. Rude! The writer goes on to say they had sex 3 times that night and they have had sex every night since.

Conveniently the husband is now attracted to her again and he believes that they need to close the marriage again.

Again, interesting.

I’m being facetious when I say it’s amazing how often they want an open marriage until they realize that you, too, get to fuck around. Then it’s not so much fun.

The commenters had a lot to say:

Read this story so many times. Husband suggests open marriage to get a free pass to screw around, at the end, wife finds out she liked the arrangement, husband is furious. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

He wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. He actively did things to avoid having you go out and meet J but he was able to go out and do whoever, whenever.

Your husband didn’t want an open relationship. He wanted to be able to screw around.

Sadly, another commenter notes: I hate to tell you this but I don’t think there’s a lot of options for your relationship long term.

I will say once again, louder for those in the back, these two posts have not been about whether open relationships are good or bad. They have been about the hypocrisy of people advocating for an open relationship when in reality what they want is an open license to fuck around. They say they want an open relationship and that monogamy isn’t natural (neither is shitting indoors and flushing a toilet but I don’t hear anyone complaining about that) but what they really want is the ability to go out and fuck around while the partner remains at home- cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children, maybe even bringing home the paycheck. Yes, I know. Not all couples in an open relationship feel that way. Perfectly aware of that. But there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people out there who use open relationships/polyamory as their get out of jail free card. Honestly, I think those who are polyamorous should be more upset with those people for distorting it than with me for pointing out that polyamory and open relationships isn’t a cure all for infidelity.

I think this final comment from someone on that thread pretty much sums it up:

You see, the problem is that a lot of the posts recently are failed relationships or failing marriages that resort to poly or open relationships to fix their problems. Shockingly, it rarely works.

Cheating In An Open Relationship, Part 1

A little over a year ago I wrote a post about Willow Smith discussing polyamory on her mother’s Red Table talk show. For the record, I am not polyamorous; I would not do well at all in a relationship like that and I know that about myself. I have known people who were in open relationships. Were being the operative word. Through them I have heard other stories of open relationships. Because, you know, if you’re in an open relationship you typically meet up and play with others in open relationships.

I’ve said before and I will say it again, I don’t care if you have an open relationship. As long as you both know you’re in an open relationship and no one has been coerced into it you go right ahead and have as many partners as you’d like. By coerced I mean those who are doing this because they feel the only way to keep their relationship is to agree to it. You hear a lot of cheaters suddenly claim to be poly when they’re caught and then they tell their blindsided spouses that the only way the marriage can be saved is if they agree to an open marriage. Not cool.

I want to be EXTREMELY clear that my whole beef with Willow was her idea that if you are enlightened enough to open your relationship and be with multiple people you will prevent divorce, more specifically, divorce due to infidelity. These are not my words. These are her words. She says at one point, and I’m going to paraphrase this because I’m not looking the interview up again, that she’s done a lot of research and a lot of marriages end because of infidelity. The theory seems to be that if you eliminate monogamy then you eliminate infidelity and you eliminate most divorce.

Just as I’ve been told by those who are poly that they get so tired of hearing that the world presents as though you can only have monogamy or cheating I’m a little tired of hearing people say that polyamorous relationships are a magical elixir that eliminate cheating.

If you were to believe that then you discount the idea that cheating is about entitlement and shitty character. That way of thinking actually once again makes cheating all about sex. It puts the onus of infidelity right back on the person who was betrayed. The cheated on spouse wasn’t meeting the other person’s needs.

I wrote back then that being able to fuck multiple people will not stop a cheater from cheating because cheating is not just about having sex with another person. It’s about lying and deceiving and having a power imbalance.

About a month ago a woman posted on a support forum I’m a part of. She was livid. And hurt. She had just found out her husband had cheated. When I say just found out I’m talking like maybe four days earlier she had discovered this. She goes on to say, and again- her words, that what makes this even worse is that they are in the lifestyle; they have an open relationship. This woman her husband cheated with (let’s call her Tiffany) was a woman who was supposed to come over and play with them later that week. Instead the husband met up with Tiffany on his own and fucked her in the woman’s new house that was being renovated. Tiffany then canceled on them. I don’t recall exactly how the woman found out but to say she was unhappy was an understatement. She went on to say that her husband was allowed to have sex with anyone he wanted but the agreement was she was there, too, and they did it together.

When I say that couples in open relationships still have rules I am not pulling this out of my ass. I may not know what each individual couple’s rules are but I know that almost all of them have them. When you break those rules, you have cheated. Just ask that woman. She was furious with him. She was hurt by him, and she absolutely felt betrayed by him, open relationship or not. She is not agreeing that because she let her husband have sex with other women that he is entitled to do so behind her back. There is a rule there. You can have sex with other women but I get to join in. He broke that rule. She absolutely labeled it as cheating and she was astonished that he would do such a thing, especially when he had unfettered access to any woman he wanted.

So we’re back full circle to: Cheating is not about the shitty relationship and it’s not about what the cheated on spouse did or didn’t do; cheating is about entitlement and shitty character. And polyamory isn’t going to save you from that.

Wife: You can have sex with any woman you want. My only rule is that I want to join in. We do this together as a couple.

Husband: You’re not the boss of me! I’m going to have sex with any woman I want and I’m going to do it on my terms. I’m going to call her up and have her meet me at our new house and I’m going to fuck her on every piece of furniture and every single room in that house and you’re not going to have a clue it happened. When she cancels on us you’re going to think it just didn’t work out for some reason but I’ll know the truth. I pulled one over on you and fucked her without your knowledge. And the best part is every time you walk into our kitchen or sit on that sofa you’ll have no idea what happened there, but I’ll vividly recall fucking another woman there.

This particular husband was an entitled ass. It was not about his wife not meeting his needs. It was not about monogamy not being natural. Hell, he wasn’t even being expected to be monogamous. He had a gorgeous wife who was willing to let him have sex with any other woman- so long as she got to participate, too. This was not enough for him. He wanted a gorgeous, hot wife, he wanted to enjoy having sex with other women, AND he wanted to do it behind his wife’s back.

She went on to question how many of the other women who canceled on them had actually met up with her husband separately beforehand.

It’s not about monogamy versus non-monogamy. It’s about entitled jackasses. Polyamory is not going to fix that. That woman’s husband is a prime example.

It wasn’t enough that her husband was going to fuck Tiffany on Saturday while engaging in a threesome with his wife. No, he wanted to fuck Tiffany without his wife having a clue. Fucking Tiffany in front of his wife wasn’t nearly as hot as fucking her behind his wife’s back. An open relationship, which this woman apparently readily agreed to, didn’t save her from infidelity. Her husband still broke the rules, and in doing so broke her heart.

Oh, Willow

Willow Smith appeared on her mom’s Red Table discussion recently, talking about her decision to be polyamorous. She’s twenty, so of course she’s got all of this figured out. I wish I could go back in time to when I knew everything… But I digress.

Where were we? Oh yes. Polyamory. Look, if you want more than one partner and you’re honest and upfront about it from the very beginning I don’t care what you do. If the object of your affection doesn’t mind sharing and knows what they’re getting into then have at it. It’s not for me but if two other people come to an honest agreement I don’t give a damn. Nonetheless, I have a couple of issues with what Willow is trying to sell the nation.  

“With polyamory, I feel like the main foundation is the freedom to be able to create a relationship style that works for you and not just stepping into monogamy because that’s what everyone around you says is the right thing to do…”

Hmmm… who are all of these people that are commenting on other people’s sex lives? She makes it sound like people are forced into monogamy. No one is forced to get married. No one is forced to date only one person at a time. This idea that your only two choices are monogamy or cheating is a falsehood. Personally I’m beyond tired of hearing people act like monogamy is being forced upon them. No, what generally happens is that monogamy works for the cheater, or at least the appearance of monogamy works for the cheater. Then when they’re caught they begin whining about how monogamy was forced upon them and it’s not natural.

Willow goes on to tell us that after doing some research into polyamory she has discovered that “the main reasons… why divorces happen is infidelity.”

Willow, you’re probably onto something. Infidelity probably is one of the main reason that people end up divorced. Unfortunately, being polyamorous doesn’t mean you won’t experience infidelity. That agreement you have with your partners? Those are rules you’ve agreed upon. You need to follow those. Cheaters aren’t good at following rules. They hate following rules. Rules are for other people. Not them. They’re very special. All it takes is for you and your partner(s) to have an agreement about something, anything, and for your partner(s) to go behind your back and do the exact opposite of what was agreed upon. Boom! You’ve now experienced infidelity- even in a polyamorous relationship.

I’ve heard it said many times by people who have been cheated on that it’s not the fact their partner had sex with someone else that is so painful; it’s all the lies and the gas lighting along with the discard and everything else that goes along with cheating on your partner.

Now, let’s be honest. If the mobster came up to me tomorrow and said, “Sam, sweetie, I love you but there’s someone else I’m very attracted to and I’m going to have to sex with her. I thought you should know because after all, it’s the lies and not the sex with another person that is so painful. We’re good, right?” well, let’s just say that conversation would not go over well. At. All. But I get what everyone else is saying. The secrecy, the lies, the double life, making you think you’re crazy, making you doubt yourself… those are the cherries on top of the shit sundae that is infidelity. It’s also what so many cheaters thrive on. They love the double life. They love knowing something that their trusting partner doesn’t know. They get off on it.

Now add in the fact that most of them don’t want their partners having other partners. It’s fine for them to have a buffet of choices, but let’s face it. If their partner also is allowed other partners then they won’t have their full attention and that simply won’t do. Everyone is to worship them. You are to have no gods before them. It’s not a transparent agreement. It’s a one sided arrangement that benefits only one person- the person who knows what’s going on. It’s amazing how many cheating spouses claim to be  polyamorous, yet all of their partners are monogamous. Strange, huh? It’s almost like that’s deliberate, or something.

Naturally mom Jada was all about the polyamory. She, too, bought into the idea that people seek out monogamous relationships because they “feel like they have no other choice.” She then suggested that the majority end up practicing “unethical non-monogamy” (otherwise known as cheating, and called out as such by her mom, known as Gammy on the show).

Again, no one is forced to be monogamous. But when you lead a person to believe that you’re going to be monogamous and have sex only with them, they expect you to be faithful. Funny how that works. 

Let’s be real. This idea that monogamy is being forced upon anyone is a load of horse shit. It is a total cop out. Most of these poor, misunderstood people forced into monogamy are usually getting something out of it. Either their spouse wouldn’t have agreed to marry them under other conditions, or the spouse is of use to them. They make them look like an upstanding citizen. They can pull off Mother or Father of the Year with their trusty spouse beside them, pulling the majority of the weight. They’re fed, their clothes are washed, their kids are taken care of, they have a steady income coming into the household. Another person is doing all of the adulting so they can go off and play. It’s not that they’re “forced” into monogamy. It’s that leading someone on to think they’re in a monogamous relationship means they’re getting their needs met. Then when they’re caught cheating they whine that they were forced into monogamy and if only they had been allowed non-traditional avenues none of this would have happened.

When Gammy tells Willow she’s not a fan of polyamory and prefers the traditional constructs of marriage, despite being married several times, Willow takes the ol’, “What if your partner isn’t meeting all of your needs?” approach.

“Let’s say you haven’t always been the kind of person that wanted to have sex all the time, but your partner is. Are you gonna be the person to say, ‘Just because I don’t have these needs, you can’t have them either?’

Let’s begin with the obvious. You don’t cause someone to cheat. After reading Chump Lady for years I can confidently say there are people out there in relationships where none of their needs are getting met and their partner treats them terribly yet they still don’t cheat. I didn’t get my needs met in my marriage. I didn’t cheat. You’re either the type of person who will cheat, or you’re the type of person who won’t. If you will, it doesn’t matter what the other person does or doesn’t do; you’re going to cheat. If you won’t, it doesn’t matter what the other does or doesn’t do; you’re going to remain faithful.

And what is this shit about “you can’t expect one person to meet all your needs”? Who does that? I’ve never expected one person to meet all of my needs. Does no one have friends anymore? Can people only meet your needs if you’re fucking them? I don’t even expect my friends to meet each and every one of my needs. I had friends I played Bunko with. I have friends I go out to dinner with. I had friends I bowled with. I had PTA friends and gym mom friends. I’ve got friends from work. I’ve got friends from high school. I have friends I tell my innermost secrets to and other friends where I keep it pretty superficial.

I’m shaking my head here. I’m not sure anyone rational expects one person to be everything for another person. Again, does no one have friends anymore?  Just because your partner doesn’t share your interest in something doesn’t mean you need to find another warm body to sleep with in order to enjoy that interest. Just recently when I shared that sweet J and I watched the Kentucky Derby the mobster told me he had never seen the race, nor was he interested in ever seeing it. When I told him I planned on having an annual Derby party, complete with hats and mint juleps he told he would probably be working that day. Does that mean I should go find some other man that does enjoy watching the Kentucky Derby? One that would love to attend my annual Derby party? No, of course not!

As for the sexual mismatch… to be blunt I think you should know by the time you’re committing to a person what kind of a sex drive they have. If your libidos are mismatched and that’s going to be an issue then end the relationship. It’s called dating for a reason. People are far too reluctant to end a relationship, choosing instead to settle. That’s not on monogamy; that’s on people who are willing to compromise something important in order to remain in a relationship.

Look, Willow, I know you think you’ve discovered the magical cure for all relationship woes. If I’m just not tied down to one person but can instead experience a multitude of people, all with my partner’s blessing, my life will be blissful. Oh, you sweet summer child, people don’t cheat because they’re forced into “unnatural” monogamy. Cheaters cheat because that’s what they like to do. It’s no fun with permission. It’s not because they’re not “allowed” to sample others. It’s because they like duping you. That is the real thrill, not freedom to fuck others. Polyamory isn’t some magical elixir. A lying, cheating asshole “forced” into monogamy isn’t suddenly going to become Prince Charming once you tell them they can fuck whomever they choose… within the bounds of your agreement, of course. Monogamy is not the enemy and polyamory isn’t the answer to everyone’s prayers.

Privileged To Be Able To Choose Monogamy

This other board that I read has been unusually slow but one single thread keeps giving me material.

In the same thread as the one where they were talking about taking care of their cheating terminally ill spouse the same poster who said she would “choose compassion” made a remark to another poster about her being “privileged to be able to choose monogamy.”

You have to understand her husband is a fighter pilot who has been stationed all over the world; they’ve been separated for several years at a time. Apparently there was no leave for him. So they agreed to an open marriage. Shockingly, he broke their agreed upon rules. She then decided an open marriage was no longer a viable option. Shockingly, he outright cheated. Also shockingly, she prefers to call his cheating “a flawed human being who was seeking to get his needs met.” I prefer entitled, cheating asshole but eh, whatever. You say po-ta-to; I say po-tah-to.

I’m shaking my head in disbelief at this entire exchange. People are privileged to be able to choose monogamy? Bullshit!

It’s not privilege; it’s having boundaries. The way I see it she made choices all along the way. She knew what her husband was, what he did for a living. She was in the military at one point as well. She knew getting involved with another service member might mean long periods away from each other. She could have chosen to not get involved with such a person. She could have decided that two competing careers like that, with long periods of separation, wasn’t something she was interested in. But she didn’t. She chose a fighter pilot. No one forced her to do it. She wasn’t trafficked. She didn’t get tricked. She knew what a relationship between two people in the service was going to mean. She even knew what it would mean if one of them got out. You would still be dealing with deployments.

She also chose to open her marriage. I would be willing to bet that there are hundreds of thousands of spouses of military members who fully expect their spouse to be faithful to them even if they are not able to fuck them daily. They do not all say, “Well shucks! Since you’re several thousand miles away from me I may as well let you nail anything that moves. Have fun!” That was the choice she made.

She could have just as easily enforced boundaries. “No, I don’t care that you haven’t had sex in eight months. I expect fidelity in my relationship. If that’s too much to ask from you then we need to end this and you need to find a partner more compatible.” Instead she decided it was way too much to expect him to be faithful to her so she gave him permission to have sex with other women.

Seriously! Is it too much to expect him to use his damn hand? And no matter how much people try to insist that sex is a need no one has ever died from not getting laid. If you absolutely needed to have sex there would be no nuns. I would have died shortly after getting divorced.

No, what happened was she knew he was a cocky, entitled, good looking guy that attracted a lot of women. She figured by opening it up she could head off the cheating at the pass. Only it never works that way with cocky, entitled people. Rules are for other people. They’re too splendid to be bound by rules. She let him run all over whatever boundaries she may have had and then tries to spin that as “she wasn’t privileged to be able to choose monogamy.”

You are always able to choose monogamy. She just didn’t want to insist on it because she was afraid he wouldn’t agree to it. Or, she just figured he was going to cheat anyway so if she gave him permission it wouldn’t be cheating and their relationship could remain wonderful.

Having a monogamous relationship is not a privilege. For most people it is an expectation. I’m not saying that just because you expect it your partner won’t lie to you and lead you to believe they, too, want monogamy while they’re nailing anything that moves. But they do that knowing it’s a deal breaker and that their actions could very well lead to the end of their relationship.

I’m not saying that everyone has to choose monogamy. I know there are people out there who don’t. If it works for you, good for you. I do, however, draw the line at anyone who gives their spouse permission to have sex with others and then sadly proclaims that monogamy is a privilege that not everyone enjoys, rather than expressing their needs and enforcing their boundaries.