Another Beauty Treatment Story

While I was on vacation Rock Star and I got lash extensions. At least I think that’s the correct terminology.

She really wanted them and it was her stay-cation so I agreed. For $22 she got new, luxurious eyelashes. They looked so good I decided I would go ahead and get them done as well. For $22 how could I pass it up?

They looked amazing! I absolutely loved the look of the lashes. However, it was very difficult for me to get used to having them. I felt like I had spiders on my eyes sometimes.

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She cautioned us against rubbing them because apparently that can pull them out. However, I must have missed the part about not getting them wet because the very next morning I took a shower and when I got out of the shower I had a corner of my new eyelashes hanging off.

We were headed to Chicago that day so I didn’t have any time to head back over to get them re-glued. Fortunately, Rock Star had eyelash adhesive from her cheerleading days and we used that.

I think that might have been the source of all my problems. I always felt like the left side was ready to fall off. Plus, I already have dry eyes which, ironically, seem to always water and seep while I’m sleeping, resulting in crusty eyelashes in the morning. Sorry if this is TMI. I figured though I’ve already shared my chronic farting with you, plus the fact I have to shave my beard every few days, so I think you can deal with my eyelash gunk. Anyway, it was a little difficult to get my eyes cleaned in the morning. Not that I want to leave you all with an image of tons of crust built up on my lashes. That’s not it at all. But with the extensions you weren’t supposed to get them wet which makes washing your face a little difficult and left me feeling a bit not-so-fresh.

Rock Star ended up taking her eyelashes off by Day 3. I lasted until Day 5. They’re supposed to last 2-3 weeks. I took another shower though, and despite NOT getting them wet I still had the corner part of the eyelash coming off again. I couldn’t get it back on. Rock Star insisted I looked fine even though I was missing a corner and taking them all off would have taken a while so I put some mascara on my skimpy lashes and went to the movies. I took them off later that night.

I know the real question you’re asking: Would I do it again? I think I would. I really loved how they made my eyes look. I didn’t mind the extensions on my right side, which didn’t have any problems. It was mainly my left side. I think if I got them again and then didn’t get them wet so that they started to fall off, I might like them better the second time around.

I’ll let you know what happens.

Here are some close up shots of my luscious eyelashes!

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Very close up!

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They Don’t Care About Our Pain

March 2015

I’ve spent the weekend reading a blog by a woman who’s husband was murdered by his mistress’s husband. Heartbreaking and fascinating.  There are 3 things I want to touch upon but I have a feeling I will only get 1, maybe 2 of them down in print before I retire for the rest of the evening.  I fell asleep on the couch but it is now 3:55 in the morning and I’m supposed to get up and go to #### tomorrow.

Anyway, here are the 3 things I contemplated: 1. She talked about wanting to confront the woman when she finally ran into her.  She went to the bathroom to steady herself and while she was in there she heard the Lord tell her to be still, that this woman didn’t care about her pain and suffering.  She didn’t care then, when she was doing it.  And she wouldn’t care now.  Powerful.  2. This woman met her new husband within about 2 months after her first husband’s murder.  Being LDS I’m sure they married quickly and by the sounds of it she was married before Thanksgiving that year.  This made me think of E as well.  I think that within 6 months of her husband’s death she had gotten involved with his friend. Before the 2 year mark had arrived she had moved to #### to be with him and she is now engaged.  Looking at Ashlee’s progress E actually took it slow! But it makes me think of what would have happened to me, to my children, if CF had left us for Harley.

Yes, I had a third topic but I’ve already forgotten it.  Maybe it will come to me later.

She doesn’t care about my pain.  Reading that on Ashlee’s blog resonated with me for some reason.  I suppose it’s the first time I really thought about it like that.

Got it!  The concept that the OW owes us nothing and is blameless in the affair.  That’s been a heated topic on a debate board I read and this blog has solidified my thought that no, she’s not an innocent bystander.  She’s a party to everything that is happening.

OK, back to me and good ol’ Harley.  I doubt she ever thought about me when she decided to fuck around with my husband.  Her only thought was about herself, her own crappy marriage, having someone around that could make her feel good. If she ever was forced to realize I was a real live person I’m sure she justified what she was doing by telling herself I was a horrible person and I didn’t deserve to have CF.  No doubt he was telling her how awful I was as well. So, why would she have any sympathy for me?  No, she was driven by what she wanted.  I was nothing to her.  And I’m sure that even today she doesn’t think about how she hurt me.  That’s not for her to worry about. She only needs to worry about herself and making sure she gets whatever she wants. That was such a powerful moment for me.  I realize that I have undoubtedly given her much, much more thought than she has ever given to me. I’m sure that once her little affair with my husband was disrupted she never gave me a second thought (not that she was thinking about me when she was fooling around with him anyway!). It’s been almost 19 months since I found out they were still messing around, almost 2 years since I first found out he was texting her.  I know that in that time I have thought about her and her impact on me many more times than she ever thought about me.  Writing that down sounds so sad.  But isn’t that the way it usually works? She is selfish and thinks only of herself and what she wants.  She’s not going to think about the wife of the man she’s screwing around with; I’ve had very little to no effect on her.  I, on the other hand, have been affected by her actions. My marriage was affected by her actions. I have a vested interest in her because she almost destroyed my life.  I have done nothing to hers. But at the heart of it all is the fact that she just doesn’t care. She doesn’t care about my pain and she never will.  And quite honestly, my husband should be caring about my pain, not her.

As for all these people getting married AGAIN right after the death of a spouse… Well, let’s just say that I’m sure if CF and I had divorced I would still be single today.  I mean, if I was single for 5 years between my last serious boyfriend and meeting CF I can’t imagine I would immediately meet and fall in love with someone else.  I met CF when I was young, relatively thin, and had no children.  Now I’m fat, old, and have 2 kids.  Oh yes, I’m a catch. No, I’m fully aware that if anything happens to CF I will be alone the rest of my life.  No one wanted me when I was young and cute so I can’t imagine there will be a line for me when I’m old and ugly and bringing baggage. Hell, even Jezebel is smart enough to realize that when she’s done with one husband she needs to lose weight before she finds the next one. I’ve come to realize that a fat Jezebel is happy in her marriage.  When she starts losing weight watch out! She’s on the prowl and another one will bite the dust.

As for the third topic, well, I think it is bullshit.  Yes, your husband made the vows to you.  But the OW is fully participating.  Affairs are just plain ass wrong.  You may have not made vows to the wife but you know damn well you shouldn’t be fucking her husband.  It takes 2 to tango.  My husband couldn’t have cheated on me if he didn’t have a willing partner.  Is he ultimately responsible?  Sure.  But that doesn’t excuse her behavior. I look at it like this:  Charles Manson is sitting in prison in California; he will probably never see the light of day.  And yet, to the best of anyone’s knowledge, he himself has not actually killed a single person.  He sits in prison because of what he was able to talk a group of people into doing.  If I hire a person to kill someone am I not responsible?  Can I say, “Well, sure I gave him money and I mentioned how nice it would be if this person ceased to exist.  But come on, you can’t hold me responsible for what he did! I didn’t force him to shoot that person!”  Or does the guy who pulled the trigger get to plead innocence?  “It was all her idea!  I was sitting there, minding my own business, when she lured me in with promises of money if I would just do this one little thing.”  No, both of us would be held responsible.  Me for offering him the money to do the deed, and him for doing the deed.  Similarly, if I were to say, “I really hate that person!  I want to burn his/her house down!  If I had a match I would.  I’ve got plenty of gasoline I just don’t have a match and I’m too lazy to go buy one,” and someone says, “I’ve got a match.  I’ll give it to you,” that person is now culpable. They knew what I was planning on doing was wrong and they helped me.  They participated.

I sat there reading Ashlee’s blog and learned how this affair affected her poor little kids.  Even at their young ages they were so traumatized by the death of their father.  It was heartbreaking.  And that woman had something to do with it.  Her husband killed him because she was sleeping with him. For anyone to say she had nothing to do with it and she shouldn’t be blamed is ludicrous.  She slept with a married man!  She was married herself!  Their affair led to her husband’s murderous rampage. She helped betray that young wife and mother.  She was part of the disaster that led to five children being left without a father. I shake my head at the number of women who are ready and eager to excuse that behavior. Even women who themselves have been cheated on.

Generally these same people will say that a successful person can’t take credit for his/her success.  Countless people helped to make that person a success.  The parents who paid for the education, fed and clothed them during the early years, nurtured them… the people all around them that gave them chances… even the government that made the roads and bridges that people use to get to the building where this person works.  I find it so interesting that a person can’t claim success on their own, but if a person has an affair they’ve suddenly done that in a vacuum.  No one else participated.  No one else is complicit.  No one helped them have an affair.  It was all on that one person.

I continue to shake my head at the people who use the excuse of: He made vows to you.  She didn’t.  She didn’t owe you anything.  I’ve heard people say, “I wouldn’t sleep with a married man, but it’s not because I owe it to his wife.  I owe it to myself to not be with someone who would put me second.”  OK, if that makes you feel better.  Is that really why you’re not sleeping with a married man?  If he put you first, ditched his wife on all holidays, made sure you were provided for before his wife and kids, would you seriously be ok with it?  I’d like to think that the majority of people have an inner moral compass.  I’d like to think that the majority of people would say, “It’s WRONG to sleep with someone else’s spouse.”  Hell, do you not molest children because it’s not fair to yourself because they’re too young to fully participate in a relationship with you, or do you not molest children because it is WRONG?  Do you stay the fuck away from your son’s and daughter’s 17, 18 and 19 year old friends because they just can’t help pay the bills, or do you stay away from them because that is WRONG?  Do you not steal or embezzle because it is WRONG or is there another more practical reason?  I can think of many things that I don’t OWE to other people but I don’t do them because it would be wrong and my inner compass doesn’t allow me to do that: kidnap someone’s child because I want him/her, steal from people, embezzle, scam them out of money, take things from their home, take their car for a joyride, spread rumors to get them fired so I can take their job… I could go on and on.

Everyone thinks they know everything about affairs- why people have them, what their marriages must have been like. They don’t.  Some people fool around because they’re broken.  Some do it because they think they deserve it.  Some do it because it’s a thrill.  Some people are unhappy in their marriages.  Some people aren’t. For some it’s just a perfect storm.  The right circumstances with a willing partner.  Some do it to get out of a marriage. Some are sex addicts and others are having a midlife crisis.  The reasons vary. But, I think one of the biggest complications is that everyone believes a person only cheats if he or she is unhappy in their marriage or the spouse isn’t fulfilling all their needs.  They never stop to think that maybe the cheating spouse has had a setback in life.  Or even that the attention from this new person makes them feel giddy and young again; they can pretend they don’t have all of these responsibilities.  If that other person wasn’t there, feeding their fantasies, maybe the spouse would move on and go back home.  I’m sure that’s not true in every situation.  But I’m equally sure that it’s true in some.  Look at CF.

I don’t think he was out looking for an affair.  He just happened to touch base with someone he knew on FB.  They messaged back and forth.  He complimented her.  She was supposedly lonely and her marriage not so rosy.  She tells him about her miserable life.  He tells her about his.  And from there they decide they’re in love and have a future together.  If she hadn’t been there, willing and eager, would he have still cheated?  I don’t think so.  Not then.  Maybe later, if things hadn’t changed between us.

No, the OP is never an innocent bystander.  They are fully complicit in what they are doing.  They are wrong and they know it.

It Wasn’t a One Way Relationship

A few months ago I posted this meme:

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It got me thinking. Why are we so quick to say that the men “gave” us everything? I look back on my own marriage and see how Cousinfucker thought he was just a handyman and a wallet, how he worked and worked to provide for us while I supposedly just spent and spent.

I wouldn’t have had my pool, my house, my manicures and pedicures, my clothes, my furniture, my car, etc. without him?  Fuck that! Let’s try this one on for size. He wouldn’t be where he is without me by his side! I’m talking pre-freefall with Harley the Whore, of course. That shit’s all on her.

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I’ve never denied he made good money and allowed us to live a good life. I did appreciate the fact that we were able to pay for our kids to do gymnastics and hockey, two very expensive sports. I appreciated the fact that I could travel with Rock Star, that I could buy them clothes and toys and whatever they wanted for the most part. I appreciated being able to go get a pedicure and not think twice about it. I appreciated being able to go get my hair done every six weeks with my fantastic stylist. I appreciated the fact that we lived in a good neighborhood, that we had a nice house (even if I didn’t like the one in Utah), that we had plenty of food, that we could go out to eat all week long if we wanted, that I could front costs for PTA events and not sweat getting the money back immediately. I appreciated it all and I always knew that the reason we could do those things was because he got up and went to work every day and was paid handsomely for doing so (even if he did play a lot of Candy Crush and Angry Birds).

But if he thinks I owe him because of this he is sorely mistaken. I wasn’t just some stay at home wife and mom who sat on her ass and ate bon bons while collecting his paycheck. He got to the point in his career he was at because of me. Because I was willing to move all around this damn country so he could “self-promote”. Because I was willing to reinvent my life over and over and over again so that he could pursue his career ambitions. It didn’t matter if the kids and I were happy or not. What mattered was his job and his career path. Oh sure, he always asked my opinion and gave lip service to the idea that we wouldn’t move unless I said okay. But we both knew it was a foregone conclusion. He was the breadwinner. We went where he took us, regardless of how content or happy we may have been with our friends and our lives. Time to start all over because CF wants to.

I think I’ve talked before about my many different life changes and what life was like at each different place. I loved our life in OB. I loved our friends. We had a social life. Then he got fired because of a personality conflict with the new GM. Imagine that!

I embraced going back to his previous plant because it was less than two hours from my hometown. I’d get to see my mom, my brother and sister-in-law, my niece (and later, nephew). My high school friends would be close by. And I threw myself into building a life there. I made friends. I found a church and got involved there- joining the meal team, leading a small group. I found MOPS. I got involved with that. Hell, I started a damn chapter at our church! Do you have any idea how much work that takes? I poured my heart and soul into that and then I had to leave it behind a little more than a year later. My son was in a cooperative preschool and I was serving as Vice President that final year. I volunteered up at the elementary school as well. I left behind a LIFE! CF left behind nothing. There were no terrific friends. There were no interests or hobbies or organizations. He had work and us. He took both of them with him when he moved.

And this last move? Well, the last one that we all made together… OMG! I still mourn having to leave behind all of my friends. I loved my life. I loved being a hockey mom and a gymnast’s mom. I loved serving on the PTA and doing Teacher Appreciation. I would go to the grocery store and undoubtedly run into someone I knew. I had friends. I had neighbors. I had a good life. And I gave all of that up for HIM! He wanted the plant in Whoreville. I convinced myself it was for the best for all of us. It was securing our future. I once again gave up an entire life and he once again walked away from absolutely nothing.

He was in an industry that pretty much required you to move around in order to get ahead. The way it was structured is that in a single plant there is a GM, a production manager, a sales manager, a superintendent (or maybe more if it’s a really big plant), and numerous supervisors. He started out as a supervisor. He was one of six or more. In order to advance he would have either needed to wait until someone ahead of him vacated the spot or been willing to relocate. More than likely if someone did move on (whether because they were promoted, retired, or quit) he now would need to compete with at least five other candidates to take that spot, which would have been superintendent (probably second shift, at that). If he was successful, his next big move would be moving up to first shift superintendent. Then production manager. The GM is over the sales manager and the production manager so if your GM leaves then you’re competing with at least one other person for the spot. And that’s if they don’t bring someone else in! In all the years I was married to him, through three different companies, I can only think of one time that a person went from superintendent to production manager to GM at the same plant. The four times it occurred at his various plants there was never an internal move up, at least not at his level. The first and second two times they hired someone from the outside. The last two times, which were with the company he left after fifteen years, they brought in GMs from other plants. Ironically, about a month or so after we moved to Whoreville for him to take his dream job they moved his former GM to another plant and moved a new GM in from one of the plants they had just bought.

So, if I had been one of those people who declared, “I will not move away from my family! I will not give up my friends! I don’t want to have to start all over yet again!” Cousinfucker might have made it up to first shift superintendent by now. He sure as hell wouldn’t have been in a position to become a GM and it’s doubtful he would have even been promoted to PM. Not because he sucked at his job. No need to be nasty and put him down. It would have been simply because those positions don’t open up all that frequently and there is no guarantee that you will advance despite the years you put in.

Because of me he also never had to worry about turning down an invitation to dinner. He never had to worry about last minute travel. He didn’t have to worry about staying over if something was going wrong. If some corporate bigwig came into town and wanted to take the management team to dinner he could do it without hesitation because I was there with the kids. He never had to check and make sure someone could grab the kids or that someone would be available to stay with them. He never had to tell them, “Sorry, I can’t stay tonight. My wife is out of town on a business trip so I’m the only one left to take care of the kids.” He could go in early or stay later when needed and didn’t need to worry about how his kids were going to get to or from school or practice. He could go in at odd times, like when they would have quarterly meetings and feed all three shifts. He could attend all of those without missing a beat because he didn’t need to worry about kids’ schedules or anything else. Unlike me he didn’t have to worry about going to work and raising his kids.

I’m the one working two jobs and who still needs to find time to cook dinner, do laundry, sign forms, go to conferences, and run kids around. If I get a message from one of my kids telling me practice has been canceled or there’s no food in the house or a bus is running an hour late or this thing or that thing has been changed I’m the one that needs to figure out how to still make it happen. I’m the one who gets up at 3:20 in the morning most mornings and still needs to pick up a kid from work at 10 pm or later. His only responsibility? Going to work. And again, he got to sit in his office and play games or sext with his cousin while he got paid damn good money to do so!

The man rarely had to cook a meal for himself. Hell, I fixed his damn plate for him every night! He never had to do his own laundry or even put his own clothes away. He didn’t have to do dishes. He didn’t have to vacuum. He mowed the yard once a week and sometimes did home repairs. Wow- how did he manage to do it all? If I don’t cook, I don’t eat. If I don’t run to the grocery store there’s nothing to cook or eat. If I don’t do laundry, I have no clean clothes to wear. If I don’t shampoo carpets they smell like piss. If I don’t run to the store for dog food, or toilet paper, or saline solution, or any of the other myriad of things you need to make a household run smoothly, we don’t have those things. I will take a pass on the dishes. That is now Picasso’s job.

I’m so tired of his narrative that he was this hardworking hero while I was out frivolously spending “his” money. The only reason he had that money was because he had a wife who was also willing to sacrifice. I looked at us as a team. We each had our roles.

Out of the two of us I am the only one who knows what it’s like to work AND raise kids. I’m the only one who has had to take on both responsibilities. Hell, currently he’s not supporting them and he’s not working. He’s doing absolutely nothing except playing the victim and fucking his whore of a cousin. I’ll say it again: I work ten times harder than he ever had to and I’ve taken on a shitload more of tasks than he ever did. I’m the one working two jobs. I’m the one getting up at 3:20 in the morning five days out of seven on average. I’m the one who still has to juggle kids’ schedules with my own schedule. I’m still signing all the permission slips and attending parent-teacher conferences and going to support my kid in her activities. I’m still arranging for them to be fed and laundry is still being done, although I will concede that Rock Star does her own and I have taught Picasso how to do his own. Shit’s still getting done and I’m doing it without the benefit of a wife who does everything for me.

I don’t ever want to hear this bullshit:

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again! I didn’t have everything I had because of him. I had everything I had because I was willing to work as a team. I had what I had because of me and what I was willing to do. I made it possible for him to achieve what he did. I lightened his load so that he could focus on his career. We’ll see how well he fares if he ever does become employed again. My guess is that Harley is going to expect him to still play daddy to her kids, to still help out with laundry and dishes and cooking. She’s used to having a stay at home husband. She’s used to being in the position that CF was in with me. She got to call the shots and have everything taken care of for her. CF should have an amazing awakening  when and if he ever goes back to work. Hey, maybe if he makes less than her she can even tell him that the reason he still has to do all the housework and take care of her kids is because she makes more money than him!

It is doubtful his recent job search will lead him to the conclusion that he had a hell of a lot more options when he was with me but it should. Looking for a new job in a tiny radius so as not to be away from a whore who will fuck anybody indiscriminately while he’s away is going to prove a lot tougher than when he was with me and decided he no longer liked his job, or was offered a better spot. I was willing to move wherever. She can’t. The Saint won’t let his children move. So now Cousinfucker is stuck. His choices are to go to jail because he can’t pay his support obligations, or take a job wherever he can get it and lose his soul mate because she’s sure as hell not remaining faithful.

I would say I feel sorry for him, but it would be a lie. Instead I’ll say this:

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First Week Of the Rest Of My Life

I have officially completed my first week of full-time work. Yes, I’ve worked 60-70 hours a week before but that was two different part-time jobs. I was also doing full-time training for the last 2 weeks while working my part-time job. But this week was the first week of me working my full-time job, my part-time job, juggling kids and schedules, taking care of pets, doing grocery shopping, making dinner, and doing laundry. This is the first week of the rest of my life. I would say it really sucks; however, honestly, it’s just whatever. It’s not good; it’s not bad. It just is. I’m neither happy nor sad. I exist. I work. I take care of my kids. I do the things I need to get done. I can’t even say that I’m exhausted all the time, although I’m ready for bed usually by 8:00 or so. I guess working those sixteen hour days has paid off.

Monday was the day of my final exam. Yes, for $11/hour I had to take 2 quizzes and a final exam over everything that I learned. Not only did I have to do that, I had to pass with a 90% average. No pressure. Ultimately I ended up with a 95% average overall. Not bad. To be perfectly honest I would have been fine with a 90%. I wasn’t looking to be a superstar; I just wanted to pass so I could keep my full-time job.

The exam and grading took me half the day. I then headed over to the branch I’ll be working at until next Monday. I worked until 5:15. Once home I shampooed carpets.  My dogs are not used to having to hold their bladders; they are extremely spoiled animals who have been able to go out and come in at will all their lives. I did some laundry since I knew I had to go into work at 4 am the next day, and tried to catch up on dishes. My daughter had a basketball game to cheer at that evening and they were doing a special halftime performance so I left the house around 7:15 to watch her cheer. My niece and her two other cousins were at the game as well. I ended up taking her home because the other two girls needed to leave after halftime. We got home around 9:30, maybe 10:00. I got my clothes together and headed to bed.

Tuesday I was up around 3:20. I headed into work at Target. They’ve got me working in soft lines now, which is clothing. I like to look at it as a promotion because 1) they consider it cross training and 2) I no longer have to bowl (which is what they call taking the pallets out to the floor and putting the boxes where they go in the aisles). It’s not a promotion but it is easier.

I headed home so that I could take Rock Star to school. Dropped her off, went back home, finished getting ready for the bank and then went to work. I stopped off at Target after work to spend my gift card finally. I bought such luxury items as dog food, tooth paste, saline solution, and razors! I, however, forgot to buy toilet paper. I did a sheet pan dinner that night- steak, broccoli, and brussel sprouts. There were supposed to be potatoes as well but I forgot them so I just made some instant mashed potatoes.

Wednesday I didn’t work my second job so the day started off with getting ready for work and dropping Rock Star off at school. I still came home to finish getting ready and to pack my lunch. I worked at the drive-thru that day, which was new. It’s in a completely different location and I had a little bit of difficulty finding it but it all ended up okay. Rock Star worked that night, 6-10, so I hurried home to pick her up and take her to work. I’m pretty sure I did another load of laundry. Whenever I’m working more than a day at Target I like to make sure I have enough pants and shirts to get me through the work period. I picked my daughter up from work at 10, headed home, and went to bed.

Thursday started at 3:20 am. Rise and shine! I went to work at Target, headed home to pick up Rock Star, took her to school, came home to get ready for the bank, packed the rest of my lunch, and then headed off to work. I left work, grabbed Rock Star from cheerleading practice and then took her to get some dinner before she headed off to work. Then I was sent on a mission to pick up a pair of boots she had seen for $13 at Marshall’s. I procured the boots for her and then went home to make dinner for Picasso and myself. Rock Star let me know I had lucked out and she was getting off at 9 instead of 10 that night. I was still up far too late, probably until around 11.

I know I said I’m usually ready for bed around 8. It’s true. I am ready for bed and I’m usually nodding off. But once I get back home and get ready for bed I seem to be wide awake. Hence, going to bed somewhere between 10 and 11 even when my alarm goes off really early in the morning.

Friday was more of the same. Getting up at 3:20. Working at Target until a little after 7. Taking Rock Star to school. Of course, she lets me know as I’m dropping her off that Picasso was still at home. She casually says, as she’s getting out of the car, “You know Picasso is still at home, right?”

Um, how I would I know this? I left the house at a quarter til four. I came home, pulled in the driveway, honked to let her know I was there, she came out to the car and I drove her to school. At what point would I have discovered my man child was still at home?

I call him on my way home and he tells me he went out at his regular time but his bus never came. Whatever. I told him to get ready and I would take him to school once I was ready for work.

I quickly changed clothes and threw food into my lunch bag. Then we took off for his school and I continued on to the bank.

It was a crazy day there. The phones were ringing off the hook. And I swear that I feel like I know less at the end of my first week than I did at the beginning. I’m crossing my fingers that week 2 feels a little more comfortable.

When I got home I discovered my nephew was spending the weekend which was a pleasant surprise. Rock Star worked 6-10 again so I took her to and picked her up from work. I decided to just grab subs for dinner because I didn’t feel like cooking. It was that or pizza and the boys voted for subs.

Finally, today I was again up at 3:20 so that I could head into Target by 4. As I left for work I realized my niece had spent the night. I stayed until almost 10 because I could and I need the hours. I had to pick up toilet paper, sausage and biscuits for breakfast and things to make Taco Twist soup for dinner. I came home, cleaned up the kitchen while I was making biscuits and gravy and then shortly after breakfast (which didn’t take place until around 11, 11:30) I took a nap. I know I was awake when Queen B took Rock Star to work at 1 so sometime after that I laid down and fell asleep until 4.

I was awakened by barking dogs when my brother and sister-in-law stopped by to visit. I cleaned up the kitchen from the breakfast mess and eventually made my soup. My brother stayed for dinner but my sister-in-law headed home before it was done.

I’ve got four kids again tonight. Rock Star just got off work at 9:30 and she and Queen B have headed out to IHOP and Target. Last time I checked Picasso was in bed (he had a rough day of video game playing so I’m sure he’s exhausted) and my nephew is downstairs watching TV.

Tomorrow my sister-in-law, Queen B, Rock Star and I are all headed to my other niece’s boyfriend’s basketball game. Apparently there may be more family headed to the game as well. We shall see. I would like to say I’m looking forward to it but sadly anymore it seems like anything that I do just seems like a task, even things that should be fun. It’s almost like it’s on a checklist that I’m trying to get through to prove that I have this full and exciting life. I’ll write more about that later. For now I think I’m going post this entry, eat a bowl of cereal, watch the rest of Say Yes to the Dress, and then head off to bed.

My Big Day

Today was orientation for my new full-time job. It went okay. They had snacks, which I’m always up for, and lunch was pizza from my favorite pizza joint.

I looked amazing, if I do say so myself. We had to interview one another and while talking I mentioned my kids. She asked how old they were so I told her. She looked at me and exclaims, “How old are you? I thought you were going to say you had little kids!” I told her I was going to be 48 next month and she assured me I didn’t look it at all.

The only bad part was finding out that the cute shoes that fit when I tried them on with thin socks were too big when wearing them with tights. I could barely walk to save my life!

And then, at the end we drove to a different building and we were given vouchers for the parking. I couldn’t get mine to work and there was a long line of cars behind me. I was trying to back out because I had already banged my head on my window and it was obvious the stupid voucher wasn’t going to work when this guy came over and swiped his card for me so that I could get out. Very nice of him.

We had a lot of different people from many different departments come and talk to us. It was fairly interesting. I’m really crossing my fingers that something good will come out of this job and that I won’t remain in poverty forever. That hopefully one day I will be making more than $1/hour more than my 16 year old daughter and can actually provide for my kids instead of merely barely surviving. Today was the first day of what could eventually lead to a long career at this institution.

In the meantime, I got up at 3:10 this morning because I was too tired to take a shower before I went to bed last night. I was thinking about how much I hate getting up that early. I truly do. But I sucked it up and went to work. While I was working one of the supervisors told me to see the HR person before I left. I was thinking, “Oh boy; they’re going to let me go because I can’t work the hours I was able to before,” but he followed it up with, “You won a prize for attendance.”

Apparently, they put the names of all the people who didn’t call off into a drawing. Now, I’m not sure how many names were drawn and what the other prizes were but hot damn- I won a $100 gift card! I was pretty excited.

I told my friend from work what had happened and she told me to make sure I spent some of it on myself. I told her I had seen a couple of shirts I liked but I probably should spend it mainly on such sexy things as dog food, pads, and saline solution. $100 could potentially take care of a lot of basic necessities.

Also, on the good news front I did manage to make it two whole days without crying. I almost cried a few times but I didn’t. Maybe one of these days we’ll get a three day streak. It’s doubtful but for today I got pizza from my favorite pizza place, I have $35 in Rewards money plus another $25 for shopping during the month of December, I was told I look very young, and I have won a $100 gift card. So suck on that, life!

I’m Still Alive

I’ve started my job. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I’m tired all the time.

My nightmare became a reality; I slept through my damn alarm clock the first day. I was terrified I wasn’t going to hear that alarm going off at 3:20 in the morning. I even woke up around 2:55 and thought, “Oh, ok, I’ll definitely hear it because it’s going to go off within the next 30 minutes or so.” Nope! What I did hear was the noise my phone makes 10 minutes before a calendar event. I jumped up out of bed, put my clothes on, had a devil of a time trying to get my contacts in and I flew to work. I woke up at 3:50 and left the house at 3:57. I made it in 4 minutes! I had called as I was driving to let the supervisor know I was running late and when I got there he laughed at me and told me that technically I wasn’t even late. I still felt really bad.

I ended up staying until 11 am even though I was scheduled to get out of there at 8:30. The next day I stayed until 1. We got a huge load of Christmas stuff so I stuck around to help.

I had a very long day yesterday and it doesn’t help when your day begins at roughly 3:30 in the morning. After work I came home, watched some TV and then headed to the school to pick up my daughter. She has cheer from 4-6 on Tuesdays. Why they have this gap is beyond me. She gets out at 2:45 and has nowhere to go and no one to hang with so I grabbed her, took her to get a sweet tea, and then we headed over to my sister-in-law’s to hang out for a while instead of going back to the house.

I dropped her off for practice, headed home once again, and reminded Picasso we had a school magnet fair to go around 6. We left to pick Rock Star up from practice early, took her to work and then headed to the fair.

Poor kid is so confused now. He thought he wanted to go to one school and now he’s thinking he might go to the school I suggested. He doesn’t have much more time to make up his mind.

We stopped for milk and also to grab something to eat and went home. By this time it was probably 7:30, 8:00. I ate and watched some more TV and then decided I was going to head off to pick up Rock Star early. She got off at 10 but I figured if I got there early I could doze in the car as opposed to taking the chance I would fall asleep here and not be there to pick her up on time.

Surprise! I did indeed fall asleep in the car while I waited. She drove home and I’m pretty sure I was passed out the entire time. Okay, not the entire time because I remember having a conversation with her about how hungry she was.

Today I was off. I have an open house to go to with Picasso for one of the high schools he’s interested in. Tomorrow I do work and on top of that I have two open houses to attend- one for the second high school and one for scholarship possibilities.

Honestly, I don’t know how people work and raise children. I really don’t. Maybe the difference is I’m not answering phones or working in an office atmosphere but I’m so freaking tired when I get done and then I have to keep going. Hopefully it will get better the longer I do it. I definitely know that Cousinfucker had a dream situation going on. Yes, he may have been the one getting up and going to work every day but he didn’t have to do much of anything beyond that! Plus, I distinctly remember him telling me a few years ago that Angry Birds and then Candy Crush took up a huge amount of his time while he was at work. It’s good to be the boss, I suppose. After his full day of playing games he got to come home to a wife that fed him, washed and put away his clothes, did all the shopping and took care of the house, the pets, and his kids. He wasn’t taking kids to hockey or gymnastics or high school magnet fairs. He came home, ate, and watched TV.

Now he’s not working. I am. My job is a hell of a lot more strenuous and doesn’t pay even a fraction of what his did. I still don’t get any help with the kids. He’s still not doing a damn thing for them. Sounds about right.

I need to clean the house so it’s shiny and bright for my mom when she gets home on Friday. Plus, I have laundry to do.

There is a big hiring event coming up on the 12th for a grocery store. Sadly, I am hoping that I will get hired on as a cashier, possibly even full-time, making $12/hour.

That’s it. That’s what I’ve been up to. Nothing exciting.

Things He Did Right

 

I haven’t said many nice things about Cousinfucker in this blog. In fact, I have a really long bitch list I will probably publish one of these days. It’s so long I will have to break it up into separate parts. I did want to acknowledge that he wasn’t always all bad. I like to give credit where credit is due and to present both sides as much as possible. So, here are the things he did right.

  1. He would bring me a candy bar home whenever he stopped at the gas station for Kodiak. Hey, how can you stay mad a guy who brings you chocolate? Sure, he cheated on me, lied to me, moved me across the country for no good reason, but I almost always got a Kit Kat bar if he stopped at the gas station!
  2. He did always thank me for making dinner. I will give him that compliment without any snark.
  3. He was better at remembering all of us when we were out of sight, than I am when someone is out of sight. For instance, if Rock Star and I were out together and she asked for a milkshake or some candy, I would often buy it for her. If Picasso wasn’t around, or we wouldn’t be home until after she had consumed whatever it was that I was buying, I wouldn’t even think to bring something home for him. And I rarely brought home treats for CF, mainly because he rarely wanted anything and wasn’t very upfront about what he liked anyway.
  4. He was a good provider. I never had to worry about how to pay for things for the kids. They never wanted for anything. While we were married, of course.
  5. He liked the house decorated and didn’t mind if I spent money doing so. I know some guys like the house decorated but don’t want to have to spend any money.
  6. I think I’ve mentioned before that while he didn’t often want to go many places with me he never complained about me going without him. In hindsight it probably gave him opportunity to sext with other women…
  7. We almost always had a great time on Christmas Eve. It was probably our one guaranteed great day of the year. We went bowling, sometimes caught a movie, and ate out. Then we’d let the kids open their gifts. They really enjoyed it, and I did, too. Granted, this was a later tradition which only lasted about 4 or 5 years, but it was nice while it lasted.
  8. He had a really good sense of humor, although he rarely showed it off.
  9. He did occasionally go with us or participate in family events with us. I remember one year I took all the ornaments off the Christmas tree and decorated it with New Year’s Eve decorations. We went outside at midnight and had a silly string fight with the kids and lit sparklers. The next year we had the silly string fight in the morning and in the house. He also went with us to DisneyLand and the Grand Canyon. Both times we had a good time and lots of laughs, which means he’s capable; we just weren’t worth the effort.
  10. He let me spend money however I wanted so long as he always had enough.
  11. This is probably due to the fact that he didn’t spend a lot of time with them, but he sometimes had more patience with the kids, especially Rock Star, than I did.
  12. He helped the kids with their homework.
  13. He was very handy around the house. He could do pretty much anything- electrical, installing ceiling fans, replacing garbage disposals, drywall, running cable, replacing garage doors. The list is pretty extensive.
  14. Similarly, he was one of the few people I knew that was book smart and also had common sense. At least until recently. He’s lost his damn mind now! But, generally speaking, if someone was book smart they weren’t worth a damn when it came to changing oil or doing anything around the house. The guys I knew that were handy might have been very intelligent as well; however, they didn’t value education.
  15. Not that we took a lot of vacations after we had kids but before we had kids whenever we would go on vacation his philosophy was always that he was there to have a good time. No holds barred. No expense spared. He wasn’t afraid to spend money and liked to splurge.
  16. He was rarely left alone with both kids. I do remember my daughter telling me though that the weekend I left him in charge while I went to a wedding (because of course he had no interest in going with me) that she and her brother had a lot of fun. Again, Dad didn’t mind spending money so he took them out to breakfast and to a family fun center and he splurged for the deluxe package where they could play all the games and ride all the rides and do everything that was offered. She told me she was actually hoping I would go out of town more often! So, he had it in him to be a good father. He was capable. He just didn’t. And that’s a sad thing because I really believe he had a lot to offer to his kids.
  17. Again, he had a good sense of humor. Rock Star said that her friends loved her dad whenever he would actually interact with anyone. He had the ability, but again, he chose not to most of the time.
  18. He was willing to help out family members. Oh, I know, he was more than willing to help out ol’ Harley, but I’m speaking to what he was willing to do before her. Even if I was the one leading the charge he was willing to go along with it. We frequently paid for airline tickets for Tammy Faye and Pastor Fake; we sent care packages and helped them out with bills on occasion. I sent care packages to my niece in college. We gave his sister money to help buy clothes for her son when she and Husband #2 were going through a tough financial time. I paid for my niece (Queen Bee) to come out to see us 4 or 5 summers and then paid for season passes for her as well. I ended up putting my mom on my cell phone bill after my stepdad died so that she could save money by being a part of a family plan. We were in agreement that we would help pay for my niece’s wedding when the time came if she needed it.
  19. He didn’t complain when I wanted to fly people to wherever we were. I paid for my BFF to come to where we were several times. Granted, I flew her on Southwest when they were having their specials so it cost less than $100, but still… We also flew another friend out twice after we left the area. I flew Rock Star’s best friend out for Thanksgiving back in 2014 and I flew my mom out so she could see Rock Star at one of her out of state meets. He was in full agreement with me to pay for one of Rock Star’s teammate’s travel to out of state competitions. Her parents were going through a hard time financially so she couldn’t compete at any of the out of state meets that year. They declined our offer but he was at least willing to do that for her.
  20. He taught Picasso how to bat.
  21. He was always on top of ordering flowers for our mothers for Mother’s Day and/or birthdays.
  22. He did always buy me a gift for our anniversary and my birthday.
  23. He would always send me flowers for Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day.
  24. I’m going to have an entire separate post about all the bad gifts he bought, but I will give him credit for this: If you gave the man a list and told him what you wanted he did a very good job of following that list. I realize that some people don’t do that so I will acknowledge that.
  25. Sometimes on his own he would do a good job of picking out a good gift. He liked the pricy stuff- laptops, digital cameras, tablets, iPods, Garmins.
  26. He liked animals. I’m not sure I should list this because he walked away from our 3 dogs and 3 cats without a second glance, but he did like animals. I’m thankful he didn’t mind having the ones we had.
  27. Along those lines he did come home early when we had to put our first dog down. He was 14 1/2 and had gone downhill in a matter of hours. We had a vet who would come to our house for all vet visits, and he came over to do the deed. I was very surprised, but pleased, when Zack showed up to be with us.
  28. He was also the one to suggest cremation for our first cat instead of just burying him in the backyard. In hindsight this was brilliant because we ended up moving so had we not cremated them (the first dog and first cat) we would have left them behind when we moved.
  29. When our second dog got hit by a car he picked him up and took him to the emergency vet for care instead of having him put down.
  30. He would rock Picasso to sleep each night. Yes, I did the grunt work of actually getting him ready but CF would rock him to sleep and put him in bed.
  31. He was also always willing to lay down with Rock Star when she was a baby. She slept with us forever and wouldn’t go to sleep unless someone was with her. He was that person most often.
  32. He would play video games with Picasso. Not all the time, but often. I think they had a good time together.
  33. He took Picasso to a movie on opening night. I am not an opening night type of person. He wanted to go and I told him that he could see if his dad would take him. He asked just as CF walked in the door from work and he actually took him, right then and there.
  34. I was told that the first night I was at the hospital after having Picasso my little Rock Star was a hysterical mess. She had never been away from me and despite having her father and both grandmothers there for her she was crying and screaming for me. He got down on the floor with her and put his nose right up against hers and let her scream until she finally calmed down and fell asleep. He didn’t get frustrated. He didn’t get angry. He just laid there with her.
  35. I think I’ve also told the story of meeting up with a long time friend who recounted how we had gone out to dinner and he spent the entire time rocking Rock Star, talking to her, playing with her. He was besotted with her.
  36. He took Picasso twice all night long so that I could get some sleep. That child did not sleep through the night until he was four years old, but I will say thank you for the two times I actually got a full night’s sleep.
  37. I signed us up for ballroom dance lessons and he actually agreed to go. I also signed us up for swing dancing lessons and he again went along with it. Granted, that was back in 2001 but he still went.
  38. I could call him from the road when the kids and I were traveling and ask him to reserve hotel rooms for us. He liked acting as my travel agent. He booked most of my airline tickets (not that I traveled a huge amount) and one time when Rock Star and I were getting in late he booked a hotel room for us so we didn’t have to drive back at 1 in the morning. He even got us the breakfast tickets.
  39. He fathered my two fabulous children.

That’s all I can think of for now. That might be all there is, honestly. I’m actually a little surprised that the list was that long. But since this is a post to give credit where credit is due I’m not going to shit all over it. I will say I’m not all that shocked that most of his good deeds are surrounded by money. That is where he excelled. I hope it doesn’t make me sound like a money grubbing bitch who, as he always liked to claim, only stayed with him for the money. I’m working with what I have. If I had other things to list, I would.

 

Getting To Know You

So the entry that listed 100 things I love made me think about some things that you might find interesting about me.  I don’t know how long this list is going to be; I don’t have a set number of interesting facts.  We’ll just see where this takes us.

  1. I am terrified of snakes.  Like, if I had to wrestle a mountain lion or a bear for my kids I would do it in a heartbeat.  If it’s a snake?  They are on their own!  I have told them this in no uncertain language.  “If there is a snake you two need to run because I am going to be outta there!”  My kids have even discussed this.  My daughter was telling her brother not to worry if they saw a snake because I would protect them.  He looks at her like she’s crazy and tells her, “Nu-uh.  Mom said if there was a snake we were on our own!”  I’m nodding my head and saying, “Listen to your brother!  Seriously, you two are on your own!”
  2. I was a Girl Scout leader before I ever had kids.  I volunteered for three years until I moved.  Ironically, Rock Star never joined the Girl Scouts, although both of my nieces did.
  3. I have an aversion to Band-aids.  It disturbs me to no end when people lose them in water.  It is one of the most disgusting things ever. I about lost it when Picasso lost one in our brand new swimming pool last year.  I have actually yelled at my kids before when they would leave them laying out. Throw them away and ideally bury them under something so I don’t even have to see them! I can wear them but they give me the heebie jeebies every time I see them on someone else.
  4. I have four tattoos.  Yep, I am a former Girl Scout leader and PTA President with tattoos.  I started off with one, which is fairly small.  I wasn’t sure how much it would hurt so I didn’t want anything real complicated in case I wussed out. I got the next three at the same time.  I wanted one that would incorporate my kids and me but ended up getting three separate ones.  As much as I like them I have them all placed where you can’t see them when I’m wearing clothes.
  5. Speaking of tattoos, I giggle when getting them.  I am extremely ticklish and so I end up laughing almost the entire time.
  6. I have laughed so hard I have puked before. In fact, I puked on CF once.
  7. I have written numerous books although I have never been published.  Most of them were horror stories, which is kinda funny considering I hate watching horror movies.
  8. I’ve lived in 6 different states.
  9. I dropped out of college my last semester and went back the following fall to finish my degree.
  10. I always wanted four kids but I have a balanced translocation which is basically where two of your chromosomes break apart and then join together. It results in a 50% chance of miscarriage every time I get pregnant.  Between CF’s reluctance to have more and the enormous amount of stress I felt every time I was pregnant I stopped at 2.
  11. I was a nude model in college my last semester.
  12. I am the oldest of three kids.  I’m also my mother’s favorite but she will tell you she loves all of her kids equally.  She doesn’t.  I’m the favorite.  Don’t get me wrong; she likes at least one of my brothers. But I’m the favorite.
  13. I hate smoking. I’ll still be your friend but I really really hate that habit. And I hate cigarette butts- in ashtrays, on beaches, in water, on the ground.  There are few things I find grosser than seeing those outside ashtrays filled with cigarette butts and water.
  14. My favorite part of Thanksgiving would be all the sides and the pumpkin pie.  I’m not a big fan of turkey and could forego the main course entirely.
  15. As I’ve gotten older my fear of heights has increased dramatically.  We stayed in a hotel in Vegas with a view of the city and rides on the top of the building.  I thought I was going to throw up.  I had to sit on the couches away from the huge windows.
  16. Similarly, I HATE those sky coasters at parks- the ones that slowly coast over the park.  I have been on them three times and that’s it for me.  I need to be medicated in order to do that!
  17. I am not a fan of New Year’s Eve.  I think it puts way too much pressure on people to have a great time and ring in the New Year.  I’ve always said it’s about people pretending to have a good time while in reality they are miserable and wishing they were home.  I almost never have plans for NYE and can easily sleep through it or simply watch TV.  I will say though that this past year I was at my mom’s.  My niece and one of her friends spent the night.  We watched the Rockin’ New Year’s Eve special and I actually liked the musical guests.  We cracked open a bottle of champagne at midnight and I texted all my friends in the Mountain Time Zone telling them I was from the future and that it was looking pretty bright.
  18. I have lived in three out of the four time zones in the United Staes (mainland, of course).
  19. I always have an exit strategy for all the rides at the amusement park.  I don’t generally have a problem with the roller coasters or the Samurai (I figure I’ll just be dead and it will be over quickly), but all the other rides I figure out a escape plan.  I do realize that the centrifugal force will probably not allow for my plans but it comforts me to think I can take action.  That’s probably why I don’t like those stupid sky coasters; there is no way to escape that sucker and it moves soooooo slowly you know death won’t be instantaneous.
  20. I can take or leave Valentine’s Day, too.  I don’t hate it but I didn’t have a problem with having no one to celebrate it with this past year either.  It’s just a day. Maybe if I had been married to someone who put in the time and effort to celebrate it I might feel differently.
  21. I keep thinking I would like to learn to crochet and knit.
  22. I also think about learning to play hockey.
  23. One of the things on my bucket list is to run a marathon.  I should probably start working on that.
  24. I think the Grand Canyon is overrated.  I suppose if you don’t mind heights then it would be a great place to visit.  I do mind heights and therefore didn’t enjoy a whole lot of my visit because I was terrified!  That sucker is not fenced in for the most part.
  25. I’ve been to Yellowstone National Park and I really enjoyed it. I loved the geysers and the hot springs.
  26. I’ve always been fascinated by serial killers and gave a speech my sophomore year about the difference between mass murderers and serial killers.
  27. I’ve been to both Disneyland and Disney World.
  28. I’ve also been to Sea World Orlando and Sea World San Diego.
  29. I’m pretty sure my favorite theme park is Universal Studios, although I’ve only been to the one out in California.
  30. I have no desire to get married again.
  31. I’ve dipped my toes into the Pacific, the Atlantic, and the Gulf of Mexico.
  32. I have a goal of visiting all 50 states one of these days. I’m at right around 75%. Most of the states I haven’t visited and driven through are the New England states. If I could vacation for a week or two along the New England coast I think I could almost cross this one off my bucket list!
  33. I love chocolate, especially Godiva chocolate. I prefer dark chocolate.  I think my favorite, though, is chocolate cake with vanilla or cream cheese icing.  I’m not a fan of chocolate on chocolate for some reason.
  34. I love sushi and my favorite one right now is the Angel Roll with shrimp tempura and mango inside and spicy crab and a honey mayo on top.  It is the most delicious thing ever!
  35. I like visiting food trucks.
  36. Until we moved this last time I volunteered a lot.  According to that lovely poem there is a very special place for me in Heaven.
  37. I don’t have favorites, like a favorite color, favorite song, favorite food… I like lots of different things.  I have an assortment of favorites.
  38. The word “gulch” makes me giggle when I say it. I’m giggling right now.
  39. I’m terrified of death.  I can’t think about what happens after you die because it totally freaks me out. Ever since my Mamaw died I have had to sleep with the TV on because I can’t let my mind wander at night; by tuning into the TV until I fall asleep I don’t have to think about anything.  I also don’t want to be buried or cremated.  I told my kids I needed to do that body tour because I always wanted to travel and it wouldn’t require burying or burning me. Now I’m thinking that maybe I’ll donate my body to the Body Farm in Knoxville, TN.
  40. CF named both of our kids (I did have veto power and honestly, I didn’t really care).  In a small twist of delicious irony, his middle name, which was given to our son as his middle name, is also the name of someone I loved deeply who died in high school.  So now, instead of thinking of Picasso’s middle name being the same as his dad’s I think of him sharing a name with my beloved. Yeah, I’m evil.  So what?
  41. I never intended to have 3 dogs.  Rock Star was begging for a friend’s dog that they were going to get rid of.  I told her if her dad said okay then we could take it.  Long story short:  He said okay, they ended up keeping the dog and she got pregnant; we then took the only male puppy.  He was supposed to say no!  Hey- that seems to be a recurrent theme for him. Couldn’t say no to the dog, couldn’t say no to the whore!
  42. My favorite flavor of ice cream is mint chocolate chip. Oh, look at that!  I do have a favorite!
  43. At one point we had over 40 guinea pigs.  It’s a long story.
  44. I eat very slowly and when I do try to eat fast I get a stomachache.
  45. My first job was working in the deli department making pizzas.  I think I was the most popular employee there because I would bake the pizzas to hand out samples to customers and all the guys that worked in different departments would come by to grab little sample pieces.
  46. I hate long lines, traffic, and waiting. I am a type B personality through and through until you put me behind the wheel of a car or make me wait.  Then I am a type A all the way.
  47. My brother and I were once racing home in our cars.  Yes, I know, that was dangerous; we were young and stupid.  When it became apparent he was going to win and get to the driveway first I cut through the yard and pulled in ahead of him.  I won!
  48. I’ve been skydiving.  CF wouldn’t go with me to cheer me on or support me, of course.  I still went.
  49. My first concert was Damn Yankees/Bad Company.  My second was Skid Row/Guns-n-Roses.  I loved them back in my teens and early 20s.  The last two concerts I saw were The Wiggles (twice!) and Hannah Montana.  Bit of a change there.
  50. I hate sweet potatoes.  I’m not fond of onions but I’m better at eating those.  I still don’t like raw ones but I can eat them if they are sautéed or finely diced (and cooked- no “dice” on raw ones).
  51. I’m a happy, loving drunk when I drink too much.
  52. I never got hangovers until around age 23.  As I’ve gotten older they’ve gotten worse. It hasn’t taken much of a learning curve for me.  I rarely overindulge anymore.
  53. My go to drink when I’m out (which is never anymore) is a vodka cranberry.
  54. I liked the movie Twilight a lot more than an adult should have.  Rock Star wanted to see it so I took her and I ended up really liking it.  I also liked Eclipse and the second part of Breaking Dawn.
  55. I always loved taking my kids to the movies and enjoyed pretty much all the movies we saw.  Fern Gully, out long before I ever had children, remains a favorite of mine.
  56. It took us four years to have Rock Star. When she was a baby I worked from home and would play the Disney Sing-Alongs for her to keep her occupied.  Whenever “The Circle of Life” from the Lion King would come on I would lift her above my head.  She was my Simba and I was showing her off for the world.
  57. I have been known to cry at commercials, especially the one where Peter comes home for Christmas and is making coffee for the family.
  58. I can’t stand snakes but I think lizards are cute, especially those little bearded dragons.
  59. I cannot bear to watch those ASPCA ads on television.  They break my heart.  I just want to take all of those poor, abused, and abandoned animals in and love them.
  60. I have to have something in front of me to drink whenever I’m eating.  It’s almost an obsession.  The irony is that I actually drink very little while I’m eating.  I tend to take small sips and drink most of my beverage at the end of the meal.  Weird, I know.
  61. Along those lines I typically cannot drink alcohol with a meal.  Some people love beer and pizza, or wine and pasta.  I can’t do that. It simply does not quench my thirst.  Alcohol, apparently for me, is a whole other food group!  The only time I can eat and drink alcohol at the same time is when I’m having a frozen margarita with Mexican food.
  62. I have been to every state west of the Mississippi except for Minnesota, North Dakota, Louisiana and Oregon. Some of them I may have only driven through but I’ve been there.
  63. Instead of keeping a baby book for my kids I instead had a cute baby calendar and marked all their firsts and milestones on it.  At the end of the first year I then turned around and created a large book for them, filled with pictures, stories, people who loved them, their birth story, and that year of firsts. Rock Star’s is laminated and in a 3-ring binder.  Poor Picasso has his story written out but no pictures and no actual book.  It’s still on the computer.
  64. Speaking of cousins… while I have a lot of cousins I only have 3 first cousins.  Both my mom and dad were one of two children.  My dad’s sister never had any children and my mom’s brother had two plus a stepchild. I think my dad has 5 first cousins. His mom was an only child and his dad was one of three.  The plethora of cousins actually comes from my mother’s side. Her mom was the oldest of 9 and her dad was one of six. That’s where they all come from and I don’t sleep with any of them.
  65. I have a really bad habit of chewing my straws after I’m finished with my drink (which could take hours since I drink so slowly).
  66. I have lived in college towns most of my life.
  67. I can drive a stick shift.
  68. This probably should have gone on my List of 100 Things I Love but I’ll put it here.  I love playing Phase 10.
  69. I also really love playing double deck bid euchre.  I haven’t played in years because so few people know how to play regular euchre, much less bid euchre, but I love it.
  70. I will play Bunko with you in a heartbeat.
  71. I don’t have to take charge but I will if no one else will step up.
  72. I was a Teacher Appreciation goddess.  When I saw my two teacher friends earlier this summer they both commented on it and how much they missed me.  “No one does it like you, Sam!”  That made me feel great.
  73. Aside from running Teacher Appreciation I actually like working on the administrative side of PTA better than working in the schools and carrying out activities. Make a note of that, people.  There will be a quiz.

And now you know a little bit more about me aside from my sad tale of woe with a cheating husband. Hopefully you are thinking, “Wow, that Sam sure sounds like a fascinating person!”

A Reminder to Myself

I was reading back through some old blog posts on Chump Lady.  This particular one was about oversharing.  It has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m going to write about today, aside from the quote I’m using, but I wanted to give credit where credit is due.

Over the last ten months I have found myself feeling exactly like Tracy did on this day, wondering when on earth the world is going to give me a fucking break.

There’s a knock at the door and it’s Ron Outlaw. He sees that I’ve been crying and he says very firmly to me “It’s just money. That’s all. It just doesn’t matter. It’s just money, okay?”

I start to bawl some more. Because it felt like fucking EVERYTHING that day. The punishment of breeding with a deadbeat, lawsuits, single motherhood, a dear friend’s suicide, ghastly plumbing repairs, the World Bank deadline. When was the universe going to give me a FUCKING BREAK?! I was having a total pity party.

And then he says to me “It’s just money. It’s just a house. It doesn’t matter. Some things really do matter, but this isn’t one of them, okay? I just lost my 21 year old son last year in an accident. It broke up my marriage. When that happens, you see what’s really important and it’s never the same.”

Lord knows you’ve all seen me at my whiny, pitiful best these last few weeks. I swear I don’t mean to; I just know I’ve got to get it all out.  I have to let it wash all over me so I can wallow in it before I pick myself back up and begin again.  Those words, though, touched me: Some things really do matter, but this isn’t one of them.

As we were driving back to my home state for my nephew’s graduation I discovered that a woman I had served on the PTA with had died of a massive heart attack.  She was 52.  She left behind four kids.  I’m not sure how old her oldest was; I know he was away at the time so maybe 18 or 19.  Her two daughters were juniors and sophomores; one of them had been in Rock Star’s class.  Her youngest child, another boy, had been in Picasso’s class, so he was 13.  She was the kind of mom I am- involved, volunteering, never missing any events her kids had. Her kids were her life and many of their friends wrote moving tributes to her about how she was like a second mother to them. It is so damn unfair that she only got to see one out of the four of her children graduate from high school. It’s unfair that she will never attend any of their weddings or be able to meet her grandchildren.  So when I’m down and feeling sorry for my kids because they have to leave their new home and their new friends, I think of her and her children.  They don’t have to switch schools.  They don’t have to leave their home.  But they’ve lost their mom.  I’m sure they would switch with my kids any day.

Another friend from back there lost her four year old son to cancer less than two years ago.  He was diagnosed shortly before his second birthday and spent almost his entire life fighting.  He went into remission and it came back.  He had a successful bone marrow transplant.  And it came back.  There were no more miracles the third time, although they did have a few more months with him than they had expected.  I have no doubt that they, too, would switch with us and our situation.

Some things really do matter, but this isn’t one of them. It sucks to lose your home, your lifestyle, your long awaited pool, your furniture and your decorations.  But they don’t matter. I’ve got my kids. I’ve got my health. I’ve got my dogs.  I have family who love me and my kids and I’m going to be ok.  It’s just money and it’s just stuff. Things can be replaced.  People can’t.

I AM Mighty, Dammit!

 

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I told you I’d get my head out of my ass.  Some days you have to roll in the mud, get all filthy, and then stand up and clean yourself off.  Some days you have to wallow in the sorrow before you can tackle the problems head on.  Hello, today!

Even though I’ve spent the weekend not feeling mighty the fact remains that I am.  I AM MIGHTY!  Let me list the ways…

  1. I did manage to change the damn vacuum belt.  Like I said yesterday, that was a task I always handed over to CF.  But he wasn’t around and I figured it out.  Just like I’ll repair the face of our drawer that fell off.  Just like I’ll figure out how to replace the screen door on our porch (with one that the dogs *won’t* ram their heads through thereby ruining the screening).  Just like I’ll end up cleaning up the backyard and making it look decent.  All without him.  Why?  Because I don’t need him.
  2. I have gotten up out of bed every day.  I’ve made breakfast for my kids.  I’ve done laundry.  I’ve cleaned house.  I’ve taken care of dogs and cats.  I’ve switched out my summer decorations for my Halloween decorations and switched those out for Thanksgiving decorations and switched those out for Christmas decorations and switched those out for my January snowmen decorations and finally, just today, I switched those out for my Valentine’s Day decorations.  And you know what?  Next month I’m going to put out my St. Patrick’s Day decorations, along with my Easter decorations.  And in May I’ll put out my spring decorations and then once again I’ll be back with my summer/beach decorations.  I’ve been here day after day, taking care of business while he’s been off playing, pretending he’s a child free bachelor living in a freaking hotel!
  3. While he’s been off spending every dime on his whore and her kids I’ve been making sure the bills get paid, the kids are fed, and that they have what they need.  He has ONE bill he has to pay- his American Express card.  He is regularly late on that.  His property tax for his car was over a month late. I’m dealing with my marriage of more than 20 years imploding and my husband’s affair while managing to keep everything running and not letting our credit scores take a hit; he’s, well… he’s not.  I guess he’s too busy screwing his cousin to manage to get anything else done.
  4. I got through the holidays without him.  It wasn’t even that difficult.  When I checked in with the kids to see how they had fared they told me they enjoyed the holidays because they didn’t have to deal with their dad and his depressing behavior.
  5. I have raised two kickass children so far, and even Cousinfucker himself has admitted it was all my doing.  They’re polite.  They’re kind.  They get good grades.  They have both stayed out of any major trouble so far.  They’re funny.  Of course, I will also credit my kids; I fully believe that as parents we can only do so much and the rest is on them and their personality.  But the main gist of the story is he has had nothing to do with how they’ve turned out.  I’ve been the one there for them.  They will tell you that.  And while it’s nothing new for me to take them on vacation or out to eat or to work out the logistics of how to get one kid here and another kid there… I’ve still done it and I’m still doing it.  It may not be a new accomplishment but it is something I’m doing and I do it well.
  6. It took me eight days to file for divorce once I found out what he was doing.  EIGHT DAYS!  Not a record, I’m sure.  Nonetheless, I’m proud of myself.  In the span of six days I found out he was cheating, he was giving her money, he had bought her and her daughter new phones and was paying their cell phone bill, he had cashed in the remaining stock and transferred it to a separate account, and he was interviewing for another job out of state.  I would have filed in six days but I couldn’t get ahold of the lawyer until Day 7 and he couldn’t get me in until Day 8.  I acted decisively after weighing my options.  I didn’t beg.  I didn’t plead.  And I was smart enough to transfer money into a separate account before I let on that I knew.  Which brings me to…
  7. I do realize that I’m in a much better position than a lot of women are when this goes down, especially if they’ve been a stay at home mom.  I was lucky.  We had just cashed in quite a bit of stock to pay the remaining balance on the pool.  If that hadn’t happened I would have been completely at his mercy because the money left over in savings from his bonus at the beginning of the year would not have kept us afloat for long.  And I’m equally fortunate that I have a mother who is willing to let me move in with her, welcomes it even.  I’m sure it’s tough on her living alone for the first time in her life.  She lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago and I realized that after he died she was truly living by herself for the first time ever.  This time there were no kids in the house.  Plus, by living with her I will have a lot more money seeing as how I won’t be paying $2100 for a mortgage.  That in turn means my kids won’t be dependent on their dad for any extras.
  8. Per our agreement (and I’m beginning to think more and more that it was a shitty one) we are supposed to pay off the pool with CF’s bonus and then split the remaining amount.  He gets the bonus check at the end of January.  He has not given me my share, nor has he paid off the pool.  I sent him a text on Thursday letting him know the pool contractor was asking about payment.  He never replied.  I texted again on Saturday.  Again, he did not reply.  Today, I called my lawyer.  I’m hoping we can file contempt charges or something to get the ball rolling.
  9. Because of #8 I have also made an appointment with another lawyer to go over my case.  I’m interested to see if this new lawyer thinks I got a good deal and hear her thoughts on how our property division should go.  I’m crossing my fingers she will be outraged and come out all guns blazing.  I may be disappointed with the outcome but at least I’m getting a second opinion.
  10. I may not have made new friends due to the divorce but it turns out I do have a lot of really kickass, supportive friends.  I have many people who check up on me and make sure I’m doing ok.  I just found out another friend is going through this same thing and now I’m paying it forward and checking up on her.  I am very blessed with the friendships I have made throughout the years and I truly cherish each and every one of them.
  11. I started a blog!  That’s a mighty achievement, right?  People read it.  People that don’t even know me read it.
  12. Completely not my achievement or what makes me mighty but:  Congratulations to the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning!  I’ve been a Peyton fan for years.  I’m so glad that if he decides to retire after this season he will go out with a Super Bowl win.
  13. Also not an achievement but an action plan for the day:  I’ve got one kid off to school, one upstairs in bed, sick.  The house is relatively clean although I could stand to vacuum.  I’m going to do some laundry, watch some television, wait for my lawyer to call me back, enter receipts into the computer and continue to get things in order for my appointment with the potential new lawyer.  I’m also going to complete the Valentine’s Day “advent calendar” for my kids.  I created it several years ago and it’s kind of hit or miss as to whether or not I do it.  This year I’m doing it.  I’m late, but I’m still doing it so I need to write out all the cute cards that lead to the small treats they get.  Today is a brand new day.

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