What Is It With This Post?

Jesus Christ on crutches! What is it with this post? I have had three people now have a bone to pick with me over this.

If you haven’t read this post I’ll give you a real quick Cliff Notes version. If you choose to stay with your spouse but you’re still pining after your affair partner get the fuck out! Go to that person and stop wasting your spouse’s life.

How does this get so many contentious responses? I am begging the cheater to go be with the other person. You would think they would be happy about this. But no! They react as though I’ve suggested branding them with a scarlet A or placing them in the stockades and letting people throw rotten eggs at them. 

One person suggested I sounded like a very bitter person who surrounded herself with a lot of cats. First of all, I don’t have any cats. My daughter does. I love my grand cats very much. They are delightful. Do not diss Poppy or Maverick. Second of all, I’m more of a dog person. Between the mobster and myself we’ve got four. Third of all, what kind of an insult is that anyway? Yeah, you must like cats! Oh burn!

The next two want to get all philosophical with me. Kate let me know she found this very “therapeutic” and that she, too, used to feel that way about “the other woman.” I’m guessing that stopped when she began an affair of her own. Funny how you’re okay with it when you’re the one doing it. She wanted me to know that I didn’t really know the other woman was a whore and that even though I “knew” I had squeezed every last bit of information about the affair from my cheater he was probably still unlikely to be honest about whether or not he missed the affair or affair partner. She then goes on to tell me she realizes I believe he’s one in a million and different from most men.

Did she read my blog before commenting? I do not think Jerry Lee is one in a million or that he’s different. I think he’s an entitled ass. I told her as much, too.

Finally, she chastises me for calling the other woman a whore, letting me know it sounds silly and people will get nothing out of my posts. I told her if she had no problem with some woman riding my husband’s dick then she could get off my ass for calling that woman a whore.

Oh, I forgot this gem: Trust me, one day you’ll be a lot less critical of people and happiness will follow.

Yes, I’m sure embracing whores will make me giddy. I suppose not having a moral compass can be freeing for some.

Then, just a day or so ago I get another comment taking me to task. This one, calling herself sorrynotsorry, let me know how wrong I was about the other women and this idea that the affair is not real life.

“It is real life!” she insists. I have no idea how many women are out there, doing their cheating lover’s laundry, making his meals, taking whatever leftover scraps of his time he’s willing to offer. Of course, in her situation it was the wife who was the secret; everyone knew them as a couple. So there! I’m wrong, wrong, wrong!

It happens. It’s rare, but it happens. Sure, some people get played. If it came as such a shock that her beloved was married after spending all of these nights, holidays and weekends with her, then I’d say he’s one hell of a liar. Probably a sociopath as well. Great catch there! She’s so busy patting herself on the back because this man uses his wife’s home as a boarding house and treats her with disrespect, that she doesn’t realize he’s no prize.

Once again, my favorite parts are where she’s calling me pathetic. I’m pathetic because I’m trying to fool myself into thinking the affair is meaningless. And pointing the finger at the other woman is also pathetic and desperate. Can’t forget desperate. Oh yes, I will probably never measure up to the so called whore and that’s why he’s stayed with her for so many years. He only stays with me because of the children and finances. Also, I’m bitter and hurt because the man I love has chosen to love someone else.

OK, first, does anyone actually read my blog before they comment or do they see the word “whore” and lose their shit? He’s not staying with me for the kids and financial reasons. I’m not with him; I left his cheating ass. He has abandoned his children for his gold digging, jailbird cousin. Yes, she is a whore. No, I don’t worry about measuring up to her; there is no comparison. No, I don’t want him back. I’m not bitter or hurt; my new guy is so much more amazing than Jerry Lee could ever hope to be.

Can you imagine the vitriol I would get if I was actually slamming them? I’m encouraging them to leave their spouses in order to be with the affair partner and they lose their freaking minds! Don’t call me a whore! How dare you say our affair isn’t real life? Who cares if it’s real or not? I’m doing you a freaking favor. I’m on your side, if you will.

I mean, sure, I don’t think it’s going to be all sunshine and roses for the happy couple. One of them is a person who cheats on their spouse, and the other is a person who has no problem with fucking someone else’s spouse. They’re both liars and people with no moral compass. Nonetheless, give it a go. Grab the bull by the horns. You only live once. Stop wasting a good person’s life while you fuck around on the side.

Sorry, haters, the advice remains the same. Shit or get off the pot. If you miss your affair partner so much then leave your spouse and go be with that person. Stop being a cake eating pussy. If this advice hurts your feelings? Well then, bless your heart.

The Delusional Side Chick, Part 4

We are not together, but we are. I provide him support and honest advice as he determines the steps he needs to take to really get what he wants. He wants a family, and has done an incredible amount of things to work towards that goal.

I’m a vegetarian, but I eat meat. I can swim, but I can’t. We’re not together but we are. We fuck but we don’t fuck. I don’t really know what words mean…

He provides proof of action and transparency, and has now been living life through compromise, rather then control.

I’ve followed the heartbreaking story of him and his long term chick, and I can say, that to me, his break up with her, is also a break up for me and her. She was my secret too. She very much so, was a part of my life, but may never really know it. He kept her a secret, but I kept my suspicions of her a secret too.

Lucy, you and the long-term girlfriend did not “break up”. You’ve been fucking her boyfriend for years now and he’s finally left her, or so he says. Now you get to be the long-term girlfriend and he’ll find some other side chick. Stop trying to fool yourself. You always knew about her. You just didn’t care.

I hope my story as the “side chick” can help other women like her find their self worth.

Again I say, you are one delusional bitch, Lucy. How on earth do you think you banging her boyfriend has helped her find her self-worth?

Though she currently struggles to find ways to get him back, he has set his boundaries. He has stated his intentions with me to everyone but her, but I hope that he finds enough courage and respect for her, to come clean with her too.

<chuckle> He’s set his boundaries, all right. Don’t you find it a little strange that he’s stated his intentions towards you to everyone but her? I can believe I’m just an old, bitter, untrusting woman but what that tells me is he’s not ready to cut the cord with her. She is still useful to him.

I think that it’s important in this situation, to push past fears and really fight for what we want. I wanted the truth, and I got it. I wanted a best friend, and I got it, and in the end, when I want a relationship, whether it’s with him or someone else, I’ll have that too.

You wanted the truth but you probably never really got that. What little truth you did gain you only learned when he was caught. If he is your idea of a best friend you have no standards. As far as having a relationship with him if you want it, well, I’m sure he’ll fuck you, but you don’t control whether or not he decides to be in a relationship with you. You most certainly don’t control whether he’s faithful to you. With his track record I’d be wary. Then again you have the sparks so you’ll probably be okay. <eye roll>

I was willing to let him go, though it was painful for me, to seek what I really wanted, and when he wasn’t giving me what I deserved, I left. I wanted to help him, just as long as he was willing to accept my help.

Lucy, you were cleaning up beer bottles, washing dirty dishes and throwing away used condoms and sex toys. You knew he had a long-term girlfriend. You knew there were others. You pick me danced for years. You are not a shining example of what to do or how to stand up for yourself.

Just because some relationships are not a good match, does not mean that the people in those relationships, are inherently bad. In his relationship to her, she was an enabler, and he was the toxin. For him and I, I provided boundaries, and set the example that he realized that he wanted. He became honest, open, and though he felt fear, he was willing to learn how to ignore that fear to fight for what he wanted, using a voice that he didn’t realize was so powerful.

Or maybe his long-term girlfriend didn’t clean his apartment as well as you.

Not all disasters have a happy ending, but if this is the recipe to having one, then I’m willing to share it.

Please don’t. This is a dreadful recipe. There is nothing appealing about this.

…For all of the people who are willing to read through my not so well thought out story, I hope that this story can show that sometimes sacrifice can bring rewards, but sometimes those rewards aren’t something that the ones who sacrificed can really see. Here’s to hoping that in situations like mine, those of us who have sacrificed, at least get brownie points from karma.

Wait one damn second! You actually think you are going to get karma brownie points for your role in all of this? Only if those brownie points have Ex-Lax baked into them!

The Delusional Side Chick, Part 3

In the end, the feel good was always temporary, and a little less each time. I cleaned up the thousands of half empty two year old beer bottles, I happily put on gloves and picked up and threw out his spent condoms from his hundreds of past partners, I tossed a few hundred sex toys hidden in the coffee table, under his couch, in his beer cartons, and under his bed. I was not happy about the situation, but I was determined to make a positive impact on him during the short bursts of time that I had with him.

Who’s the enabler now, Lucy?

I wanted him to know what it was like to come home to his house, where there wasn’t a stench of dried cum, moldy beer, and dirty dishes soaking into the walls. I have my own house, and I know depression well. If I’m going to make an impact on anyone, I want above all, for it to be a good one. I know what struggle is like, and I did a lot of it to myself, but in my situations, when I was truly alone, I got myself out of it. I was the perfect antidote.

As much as you deride the long term girlfriend for being an enabler, from all that you’ve written you enabled him much more than she did. When you find yourself throwing out used condoms and tossing away sex toys… I don’t even have words for this. Everything you’ve accused the long-term girlfriend of you are guilty of yourself, multiplied by infinity.

You were not a positive example, or a “perfect antidote”. You were being used. You were the perfect appliance. You were the perfect whipping girl. You were just too delusional to see it. Because sparks.

As I helped him, his skin brightened up, he seemed happier, he told me he loved me, but the lying and cheating continued.

Imagine that!

I began to get fed up. Four months in, on our most recent decision to get back together, I got hard proof of the other women. I addressed the problem to him, showed him evidence that I knew everything, and provided him a safe space to come clean in.

Hard proof of other women? Girl, where have you been? You knew there were other women because he had a long-term girlfriend. Who the hell did you think he was using the sex toys on? Himself? Did he use a condom to masturbate?

Thankfully, you provided him a safe space in which to come clean. That’s the number one reason most liars don’t ‘fess up. Lack of a safe space. Maybe we should round them up and drop them off at fire stations. Then the truth could come pouring out like manna from Heaven.

The number two reason they don’t ‘fess up? They’re liars.

Though he became transparent and willing to compromise with me on most things, he still stood by his longest secret… the main girl.

Wow- he was transparent and willing to compromise on most things. Like, he was willing to tell you how much he could bench press or how he really felt about Grey’s Anatomy’s newest storyline, or if he really liked your pot roast, but he wasn’t quite willing to stop fucking other women? Gotta draw the line somewhere. He is positively opaque when it comes to the other women!

Lucy, she is not a secret. She never was. You admitted you knew about her but ignored her existence from the very beginning. She was his whipping girl, remember? You tried so hard to give her clues and get her to recognize her self-worth.

A week later I gave him one last chance to come clean, and he didn’t take it, so during that one night he spent with her, I walked in on him and her. I was respectful, got my things that I had purposely left at his house, calmly sat down next to her and told her about the other women, waved goodbye, and left.

Well aren’t you just a sweetheart! That’s so thoughtful of you to let her know about all the other women. I’m sure there was no hidden agenda.

He tried to make it work with the main girl, but she enabled him, so he began to cheat again. I went no contact again.

She enabled him so he cheated. You didn’t enable him (in your mind) and he still cheated. Maybe the problem isn’t her so much as it is him. And you, because you keep making excuses for him.

Then, to my surprise, he broke things off with her, he decided to work on himself, and realized that he no longer wanted to lead a life of risky promiscuity, and coping through vices.

I love a happy ending. <eye roll>

Poor Little OW

I came across the comments section of an OW’s blog. Shocker- she was alone on Valentine’s Day and hoping for a shout out from her married man. Another OW tells her, “I feel for you. I really do… The other woman rarely gets any sympathy and I think that is unfair. It’s impossible to stop loving someone even if you are not ‘meant’ to.”

In reply, the OOW (original other woman) says, “Thanks… it’s great to have someone who relates. Definitely unfair, and so hurtful. Our feelings are not important at all!!!???”

Are you two dipshits for real? Do you really not understand why people might not feel sorry for you when you’re off fucking married men and helping to destroy families?

I’ll bite. What exactly is it that we’re supposed to feel sorry for?

Sorry that your married man is spending holidays with his wife? Hmmmm… that’s what commonly happens when you get involved with a married man. He tends to spend the holidays with his actual wife and family, especially if you are a dirty little secret, hidden from everyone he knows.

Are we supposed to feel sorry for you that you “fell in love” with someone who was already taken? Hmmmm… I personally believe that you can control that shit. You get the crotch tingles from someone and you find out he’s married? You walk away! Period. Take up knitting. Bake some banana bread. Read to orphans. Milk a goat. You don’t engage because chances are excellent that this is not going to end well.

I’m so tired of hearing this tripe. You can’t control who you fall in love with. You can’t stop loving someone even if you’re not meant to love them. Bullshit! You don’t put yourself in situations where this could happen. If you are attracted to a man who is married you avoid that person. If you can’t avoid him for whatever reason (and truthfully, I think that’s going to be a rare situation) you make sure you’re not alone with him. You don’t socialize outside of work with him. You don’t email him. You don’t text him. You don’t friend him on Facebook or follow him on Instagram. You don’t FaceTime. You stay off his Twitter account. You don’t SnapChat. You. Walk. Away.

I’ll take it one step further. Maybe you can’t control who you fall in love with. Maybe you can’t stop loving someone even if you’re not meant to love them. You can, however, choose how to behave going forward. You can choose to stay away. You can choose to not act on those feelings. You can choose to acknowledge that it is wrong and that a relationship between the two of you will hurt people, so you again, opt to walk away.

Sorry, sweetie pie; you are absolutely correct when you say the other woman doesn’t get any sympathy. There is a reason for that. She chose this. She knew what she was doing; she knew she was wrong and she went ahead anyway. Either she believed it was a love fated in the stars, or she believed she was so damn special she was entitled to another woman’s mate. Regardless, she chose her lot in life.

Now she and her other women friends can sit around a fireplace, drowning their sorrows in alcohol as they bemoan the fact that their married lovers have left them alone yet again over holidays, or cry as they realize the love of their life is still having sex with his wife. Maybe they can pour over pictures of the couple on social media and try to figure out if he’s really happy with her or if it’s all a charade, because gosh darn it, it just looks so real and he never takes the OW on vacation or buys her expensive presents!

If you want people to acknowledge your feelings and to sympathize with you when you are hurt stop fucking married men. It’s almost impossible to pity a woman who knowingly takes on that role.

A Letter From An OW and Sam’s Reply Back To Her

Yes, this is a Blast From the Past but it’s a fun, snarky one, very similar to something I would write today.

May 2015

I’m finding Elle’s blog amazing and insightful.  It’s strange going back years and seeing all that’s been written.  Plus, I feel a kinship with her because her D-Day is my actual wedding anniversary.  Anyway, I copied a letter that an OW wrote in response to one of her posts.  It was about a letter Elle had written to the OW in her situation but never sent, and in fact, never planned to send. I’m pasting the OW’s letter and my response in bold italics next to it.

A letter from an OW.

You all want to paint the “Other Woman” with a tar brush. It’s all so much misplaced anger. If you want to be angry, look to the man who betrayed you. Ask him what lies and deceit he used to trap some woman into loving him and believing his lies and his bullshit. Chances are he is the one who conned both women. While the women bash it out, he’s probably off prepping his next victim with honeyed words and false promises. Hey dumbass, did you ever think that if you had simply refused to entertain his “lies and bullshit” that you wouldn’t be in this mess? You knew he was married.  Whatever he said, whatever he promised, whatever lies you chose to believe, none of that would have mattered if only you made it a rule to never screw married men. 

For me it doesn’t matter what a married man tells me. It didn’t matter when I was all of 21 and it doesn’t matter now.  I don’t care how unhappy he is.  I don’t care what a bitch his wife is. I don’t care if they rarely or never have sex.  I don’t need to know if she’s frigid, unloving, cold-hearted, considers him only a handyman and a paycheck. I don’t care if she’s psychotic, depressed, angry, hateful, or any other adjective.  I don’t care if she only focuses on the children and neglects him terribly. I don’t care if she’s gained weight or spends all of her time in the gym. I don’t care if she’s let herself go or if she’s so into herself that she doesn’t notice him anymore. The only thing I care about is the fact that HE IS MARRIED! I don’t even care if they supposedly have an “arrangement” or if they’re no longer in love or if their marriage is “dead”.  I don’t care if she’s screwing someone else.  I don’t care if she doesn’t love him or “see” him as he really is. I don’t care if they live like roommates.  I don’t care if he made a mistake all those years ago and never really loved her.  I don’t care if he is only staying for the children.  Again the only thing I care about is the fact that he is married. 

Here’s a little bit of advice that might help you next time:  Instead of justifying why it’s ok to sleep with another woman’s husband, just concentrate on the fact that he’s married.  Repeat this mantra:  You’re married, therefore, I’m not interested.  That way you don’t have to worry about whether or not this man who is cheating on and lying to his wife is lying to you.

And you don’t need to worry about where my anger is directed.  I’m free to be pissed at him for being a cheating liar and I can be pissed at you for being a manipulative whore.  You’re both culpable. Yes, he lied and betrayed me.  You fucked my husband; you’re not innocent.

My affair partner devastated me and robbed me of at least a year of my life.  He didn’t rob you of anything.  You were always aware of the fact that he was married and therefore unavailable. You fucked him anyway, thinking he would leave his wife for you.  Have you thought about how much of his wife’s life he would have robbed her of if he had left?  I had 19 years in with my husband, 18 1/2 of those married; his whore had 3 1/2 months.  If anyone was losing out it would have been me! He used me, although I begged him to tell me the truth time and again. Funny how that works with a cheater.  You really expected him to tell you the truth while he lied to his wife?  Did you honestly think you were special?  More special than the woman he actually took the time and effort to marry? And once again here’s a thought.  The only truth you needed was HE WAS MARRIED!  Then he left me alone to pick through the ruins without a second look back in my direction.  Yes, sweetie, that’s how it often happens in affairs.  The mistresses are fun for a while but when you have to look at them in the harsh daylight most men figure they’re not worth losing their wives over He discarded me like a piece of trash by the wayside.  You are a piece of trash. You’re willing to hurt anyone in order to get what you want, even when you know from the very beginning it’s not yours to begin with.

Him and his wife get to stay in their $200,000 home, with their “nice” kids in a leafy, middle class suburb. Change that to my $365,000 house and my nice kids, no quotes necessary, in an upper middle class neighborhood and you’ve got it just about right. You might also want to add: with her brand new car and her houseful of new furniture and her new $42,000 pool.  And why wouldn’t I get to stay there?  I’m the wife.  I’m entitled to it; you were not.  I’ve been with him since the beginning, when our combined incomes was a fifth of what he alone made last year. He was just slumming it with me for a while. The two of them get to go to PTO picnics and trivia nights together and come home to sleep in their “separate” beds (yeah right). Again, why wouldn’t I get to do that?  I’M THE FUCKING WIFE!  Do you not understand that you were the dirty whore that he had to keep a secret?  He couldn’t very well trot your slutty ass out to a PTA function for his kids, or take you to a company function. Whores are to be hidden and fucked.  Not taken outside and introduced to anyone. You have one function.  That’s to suck dick. They must look like such a great, sweet couple together. His life goes on … business as usual. He doesn’t suffer or hurt in any way because he is a narcissist with no concern for the suffering of any one or anything. Sounds like you’re better off without him then, huh?

The wives don’t suffer because ignorance is bliss. You would rather ignore all the warning signs instead of losing your safe, comfy lifestyle with your contented, chubby children. Listen, dumb ass, not all of us are living in ignorant bliss. Some of us know and we’re living in Hell and trying hard to rebuild. Yes, we’re actually trying to make our marriage work and thrive instead of just handing over our hard earned lives to you, the woman who came along and decided she was entitled to someone else’s husband. You weren’t there in the beginning.  You weren’t there when the money wasn’t plentiful and we were both working.  You weren’t the one moving across the country all the time so he could advance in his career. You didn’t go through one single trial with this man, and yet you act like you’re entitled to him.

And here’s a funny little thing about being married that you probably don’t know since you’re a whore that likes to fuck married men.  We’re not stupid because we trust our husbands.  We’re supposed to trust them.  Some of us suspected.  Some of us confronted.  Some of us truly had no idea. But for the love of God you stupid, ignorant slut, would you stop acting like WE have somehow victimized YOU?  YOU always knew the situation.  YOU always knew he was married and that you were the other woman.  The wife doesn’t have that luxury.  She doesn’t get to vote on whether or not her husband has an affair.

P.S. It takes a really low woman to take a swipe at someone’s kids.  Mine are fabulous, by the way.  And the best part is they don’t have a whore for a mother!

I hope they will both be very happy together and live a long life of bubbly marital bliss.  Me too! They deserve each other. I’m glad all of you get to feel so smug and superior about it. It has nothing to do with feeling smug and superior. But I’d rather feel smug and superior than be a whore.  What it comes down to, you poor pathetic person, is that our husbands made a giant mistake. When they were confronted with that mistake and it was go time in almost all of these situations they chose the wife.  So, yes, when someone crawls into your marriage and tries to destroy it and they are thwarted, there is a sense of satisfaction.  You tried as hard as you could but you just couldn’t seal the deal. Whether any of the wives want their husbands or not, they can bask in the satisfaction of knowing that when push came to shove the husbands didn’t want YOU!  You can now go and crow to all your pals about how awesome it is to be married to your douchey, cheating husbands.  And yet, for some reason you’re angry and upset that my douchey, cheating husband chose me instead of you… Hmmmm, that’s curious.  I wonder what you would think of him if he had left me for you…

That’s what I was thinking…

Yours truly,

The OW (AKA the dumb whore that thought sleeping with a married man was a good idea and that he of course would leave his wife for me because I’m so awesome!)

I know, it’s bitchy, but I had fun.

It got me thinking that I have never really had the urge to contact Harley.  I’ve never felt the urge to even write a letter I knew I wouldn’t send.  I mean, I’ve thought about what would happen if we ever came face to face, because let’s face, since she’s “family” that is a possibility. But I’ve never had a desire to write a letter to her.  I guess because like many have pointed out, what good would it do?  She’s not remorseful.  She doesn’t care.  She doesn’t care about me.  She doesn’t care about my kids.  The only person she cares about is herself. I mean, if Zack is to be believed then she was telling him she could envision a future with him days into their fling, and that’s probably being generous.  You reach out to a cousin on Facebook and a day or two after he’s telling you how fantastic you look you’re telling him you can envision a future with him?  That’s not a person who was swayed by romance, and it’s not a person who just fell deeper and deeper into it. She knew what she wanted and she went for it. She didn’t give a damn that he was married.  Didn’t even give a shit that he had told her he would never leave his kids.  She had a plan to work around that! No, she set her sights on my husband and that was that.

Nothing I say will ever make her feel bad and there is absolutely nothing I can do that will make her hurt as badly as she made me hurt. I could out her to everyone, but again, as many wise people have pointed out, those that love her, like her, are still going to love her and like her.  Not many, if any, will end their friendship because she’s a whore.  Hey, as long as it doesn’t touch them they’re all ok with her fucking other women’s husbands. Sad fact is, folks, just because it’s a friend’s husband or a relative’s husband doesn’t seem to mean much to Miss Whore. Yours could be next!

And in other news, my dear husband is off to Kentucky.  Staying in a hotel about 30 minutes from his whore. I seriously considered hiring a PI to trail him and make sure nothing went on. I’m also thinking about buying a voice activated recorder to put in his car.  I figure I may not be able to get pictures of him screwing the bitch if he is indeed meeting up with her this weekend, but if he is, he most certainly will be calling her and talking to her on his way to work once again.

I’m feeling a huge need to somehow sync his phone with an iPod or something so that I can read his text messages. I know it’s wrong but it’s just bubbling up in me like crazy, especially since he was so opposed to taking Picasso with him. I guess I could blow his mind and tell him that since Rock Star won’t be competing this weekend and she’d like to see her grandparents that we’re just going to head down there after the kids get out of school and see what he says.  If he tried to keep me from going down there then more than likely he’s meeting up with her. Or someone else.

Oh well, I’m off to sell After Prom tickets.  I’m not looking forward to this.

Present Day Sam Says: Here’s a little tip- when you’re at the point in your relationship that you are considering hiring a PI, buying a voice activated recorder and putting it in your spouse’s car, or synching iPods so that you can keep watch on text messages, your relationship is not worth saving. I read once somewhere that if you’re ready to hire a PI you already know the truth; you just want verification. That PI said he had never once been hired to check up on a suspected cheating spouse and found the spouse to be innocent.