Give Me a Freaking Break

It’s Thursday once again. We get about 52 of them a year! So you all know what that means. It’s time for another Blast From the Past. This one isn’t so much about me and CF. It’s about the whole bullshit concept that you need to understand and accept your cheating spouse’s lingering “feelings” for his or her affair partner.

March 2015

I saw this on a blog and wanted to explore it a little more.  She writes: If you are a BS (betrayed spouse) reading this, you probably hate thinking your cheating spouse may have lingering feelings for someone else.  And not just someone else, but a someone that destroyed your marriage.  Please know- It doesn’t mean they don’t love you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t incredibly happy they have stayed with you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply sorry.  It just means feelings are hard to “switch off”.

I’ve touched on this in regards to someone’s blog, but again I say I think this is bullshit and I don’t think I could have coped if that’s the way Zack felt.  Hell, maybe that is the way he felt; he was just smart enough to know not to tell me.

Rationally, I get it.  I’ve read it before.  They cheated with this person.  There was a relationship of some sort.  They thought they loved this person (perhaps genuinely did) and it takes time for feelings to go away.  I think someone even described it as waiting for the fog to lift.  But as a betrayed spouse I think it’s completely unfair.  You have to first forgive your spouse and then you’re being asked to bring them a cup of tea and listen sympathetically to them while they whine about having to end things with their affair partner? And yes, I know, that’s not what they’re really saying.  We’re just supposed to be sympathetic and understanding while they come to terms with their “loss”.  That’s no better.

As I’ve said before I may be a bite off your nose to spite your face kinda gal but seriously- if my husband is still mooning over his whore he can have her (hypothetically, of course.  I don’t believe mine is and this isn’t about him).  I wouldn’t care that he still loved me, that he chose me, that he’s happy he’s still married to me, or even that he’s sorry.  I refuse to be married to a man who has feelings like that for another woman.  Period.  At the very least I would demand a separation, a physical, actual separation while he got his head out of his ass.  Come back when you’re over her.  And if it takes too long I’m moving on.  Sorry, but life’s too short for that shit.  I’m not playing second fiddle to his whore.  “Oh, sweetie, I understand.  This breakup with your whore is so difficult, so hard.  Hey- I’ve got an idea!  Instead of you recovering from this difficult, heartbreaking breakup with your whore, let’s just go ahead and have you deal with an incredibly difficult divorce from your wife! That should be much easier, right?” Isn’t it kinda funny (aka sad) how you never hear advice to the OP that once he/she leaves their spouse there may be a period of mourning for said spouse and their marriage?  Apparently, breaking up with a whore is very very difficult, but ending an actual marriage is a piece of cake!

Here’s the thing.  As the wife, if he’s still mooning over the affair partner, you’ll always be second.  You’re reality.  She’s fantasy.  And I’m not just talking about the parameters of an affair and how it doesn’t match day to day life.  Think of anything in life where you’ve dreamed of something happening.  Any big event.  A wedding, a vacation, holidays, birth of a child.  So many times we create these pictures in our mind of how we want everything to go down.  I, personally, have always imagined a Christmas where I get Christmas cards out by the first week of December.  The kids and I bake Christmas goodies. My Christmas shopping is done and the gifts are wrapped well before Christmas Eve. Maybe we go out and chop down a tree and then head home to decorate said tree while Christmas carols play in the background and we sip hot chocolate.  This has never happened.  None of it.  I mean, I’ve baked a little, but it’s always last minute.  That’s what life with the affair partner is.  It’s a possibility.  It’s a fantasy.  You don’t know what life really will be like with that person until you take that next step and leave your spouse and actually marry the affair partner.  So your wife will never measure up to the affair partner when you’re waxing poetically over your lost love.  You’ve lost nothing because of the affair and the only thing you can concentrate on is how incredible your affair partner is/was and how you’ve lost this all encompassing love.  Because it’s still a possibility, a perfect fantasy not ruined by reality.

I also think it’s incredibly unfair to ask this of the betrayed spouse because you’re asking her/him to accept the fact that once again there are 3 people in this marriage.  As long as the AP is front and center in your spouse’s thoughts, it’s not just the 2 of you trying to work through this.  I don’t need that.  It’s already difficult enough.  If getting over your whore is so incredibly difficult just go be with her and stop wasting my time.

Advice From the Mistress Concludes

Thankfully we now come to the final few nuggets of wisdom the professional yet reformed mistress has to offer us.

10. Time Management – Never make the ‘kids your life.’ All you will do is alienate your husband. Try to manage your time wisely so that when your husband comes home you have time for him. Couples that don’t eat together, or spend the evenings together, generally grow apart. Don’t allow your husband to become distant or lonely, or a space will be created for another woman to walk into his life.

Spoken like a woman who has no children. When your children are younger they should be your life. They are completely dependent upon you. I will make no apologies for putting my kids first and taking care of them. It’s a short season in your life. Suck it up, buttercup.

I know this is going to sound crazy but maybe, just maybe, if the husband actually pitched in and helped, the wife wouldn’t always be accused of making the kids her life. When you are the only one who takes them to school or practice and the only one who picks them up… When you are the only one to make their lunches, sign their permission slips, go to parent-teacher conferences, meet with teachers, and go to their programs… When you are the only one who will take them to the movies, on vacation, to the mall, out shopping, out to eat, or on any outing… it gets exhausting and then you’re accused of putting the kids first and neglecting the marriage. Most of this shit needs to get done and if Hubby is sitting around waiting for you to draw his bath for him and pop grapes into his mouth then that leaves only one person to do all of it. You can’t complain that she never has time for you if you’re not willing to help out with your shared children.

I can assure everyone that not once did CF grab his car keys and announce he was going to pick Rock Star up from gymnastics. I did not then spring up from the couch, knock him down the stairs in my quest to grab my own keys, and yell triumphantly on my way out the door, “Not on my watch, sucker!” I also never threatened him with bodily harm if he ever attempted to come into the kitchen and cook a meal for us. Never once did I lock myself in a room with my children, declaring with just a tinge of crazy as he banged on the door and pleaded with me to let him in, “I will never allow you to get up in the middle of the night with my children! NEVER! I’m the only one that is allowed to be woken up in the middle of the night. Do you hear me? Do you?” I also never threw my body in the path of his car in an effort to block him from leaving the house with our two kids to give me an hour or two alone. I never grabbed a laundry basket out of his hands and snarled, “WTF do you think you’re doing with that? I’m the only one that does laundry around this house! Stay out of the laundry room!” I never knocked him out of the way in order to run out and grab something for all of us to eat. “You’ve gotta be pretty fast to get one over on me!” I never tore the house apart after he’d cleaned it, screaming about how no one was going to clean this house except for me. Never told him I didn’t want him going to parent-teacher conferences with me because he would just get in the way. Never told him he wasn’t allowed to take the kids out to dinner. I would have welcomed the help. But it turns out all of those things were my job and he was busy doing other stuff (or people). I guess I needed better time management skills.

Here’s another thing that’s going to sound crazy. I actually agree with her when she says that when you don’t eat together or spend evenings together you will gradually grow apart. I saw it happen in my own marriage. But here’s the rub. It wasn’t solely on me. He played a huge part in that dynamic. He wanted to watch TV and he didn’t want to be bothered by young kids making noise while he was trying to watch something. Leaving those two alone so that I could sit by his feet and gaze adoringly up at him would have resulted in utter chaos. They were 2 and 4 at that time, for crying out loud! Maybe 3 and 5. My children are delightful these days, but in their early years… Let me just say I have been told more than once that I have the patience of Job and that if they had been born to any other person they probably wouldn’t have survived.

I gave him what he wanted. Peace and quiet. The ability to eat his dinner and watch television with no interruptions.  Then he complained because he got what he wanted.

When we moved across the country the first time he began shutting himself up in the bedroom. That was his doing, not mine. He was always asked if he wanted to go with us whenever we went somewhere. He usually declined. I had to resort to getting my daughter to ask him if he’d join us. He’s the one that kicked me out our bedroom for years, complaining that my snoring kept him awake.

This was not a situation where I was the frigid, neglectful wife who treated him like he was disposable. This was him shutting himself off from the rest of the family.

Yes, ladies, all the childcare is your responsibility but please try to get all of that taken care of while your husband is away. Time management! Once he gets home he should be your entire focus. Please train your children to never need anything from you once your husband gets home. Also, please speak to all coaches and school administrators so that they never plan anything outside of your husband’s work hours because that, too, will take away from your husband. Your husband must never be neglected. Again, spoken like a woman who never had children and could concentrate all of her energies on the married man she was fucking.

11. Cooking – Be sure to spend less time in the kitchen and more time in the bedroom, as the way to a man’s heart is NOT through his stomach, it’s actually more South of his waistband! A nice hot meal need not take hours so don’t ever slave over a hot stove. Be adventurous in the kitchen, but even more so in the bedroom.

Oh my dear Lord! Let me make sure I have this correctly. I’m to make a hot meal. But it needs to be a simple, hot meal because anything that takes more than five or ten minutes will cause him to cheat. I call foul, Sarah! I used my crockpot all the time! So why did he cheat on me? I have checked off all the boxes. Hot meal? Check! Not spending hours in the kitchen? Check! Delicious goodness? Double check.

And don’t even get me started on adventurous in the bedroom. Suffice to say, dear sweet stupid Sarah, your advice is about as good as your morals.

12. Keep your own identity – NEVER be a doormat for your husband. Be a strong woman, and let him know that if he ever mistreats you, or cheats on you, you will not put up with it. Teach him to make sure he respects you, and that he will lose you if he strays. Also, have your own life and interests, so that you are not just ‘a wife.’ Otherwise you will have nothing to ever tell him or surprise him with. You should be willing to work for a relationship, but never suffer for it.

Ahem… oh, Sarah? You’ve just spent this entire list telling us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do. You’ve told us our husbands are the most important thing in our life and they should be put ahead of our needs and the needs of our minor children. You’ve spent 11 talking points telling us to not get fat, to stay sexy, to fuck his brains out and to do and be whatever he desires. So how is it that none of that shit results in us being a doormat? You’re giving the very blueprint of being a doormat and then saying, “Don’t be a doormat!”

How are any of us to be a strong woman or to assert our boundaries when you’ve spent this entire “lesson” teaching us to be perfect little props for the important man in our life?

It’s a little difficult to tell your spouse that you won’t tolerate cheating and to demand respect when everything you’ve advised us to do so far puts us completely at his mercy. If he’s been taught that he’s #1 and the most important thing ever to exist then why would he ever believe that we would leave if he cheats?

Oh, and newsflash, Sarah! Many women DID tell their husbands cheating would be a deal breaker. That’s why they’re divorced now. And why do you think people lie and gaslight and do their best to keep it a secret? They KNOW it’s wrong. In some cases I’m sure they know their spouse will leave when she finds out.

How am I supposed to have my own interests and my own life when I’m supposed to be catering to him 24/7? You seem to be very worried that I will have nothing to “tell him or surprise him with” but I thought my problems and my life weren’t of any consequence and that everything was supposed to be about him and his day.

I think Sarah’s advice highlights the problem some have between fantasy and reality. It gives voice to those people (cheating men and women alike) that really believe marriage should be exciting and fun all the time and that they should have every need met instantaneously. If they don’t, then they are entitled to cheat.

This advice thrives on fantasy. How many women can honestly say they could do everything that good ol’ Sarah advises us to do? I’m exhausted just reading that list. It’s one demand after another and there doesn’t seem to be any give and take.

Let me be clear, lest I’m accused of being a man hater, I think that much of what she talks about here is fine if it’s done occasionally. I think it’s great when couples can do some of the things on this list. I have no problem with sending a flirty message to your husband. I am a very physical person myself so touching someone, holding their hand, rubbing their back, is something that I would do naturally. I’m not opposed to throwing on some eyeliner and wearing a cute outfit. I think it’s important to not lose yourselves as a couple in your quest to raise children. Keep the romance alive! If you’ve got a chance to spend some time alone as a couple then go for it. But I also think both people need to be participants. And I think that when one person believes that they are entitled to all of the things on the above list then you’ve got some major problems. Regular, real, day-to-day life doesn’t work that way. You might be able to do some of this all of the time. You might be able to do all of it some of the time. But I don’t see how anyone who has actual obligations and responsibilities can do all of it all of the time. Then again, affairs thrive on fantasy and most affair partners don’t see each other every single day. Most affairs also don’t last more than six months so there’s the whole “they can do all of it some of the time.”

I liken her advice to the difference between every day life and taking a vacation. Sarah seems to think that relationships should be like being on vacation every day. You should always be lounging on the beach and sipping cocktails brought to you by smiling servers. You should always be free to wander aimlessly all day long if that’s what you choose to do, or embark on some exciting adventure. You should indulge every day- eating every meal out and not having to worry about cooking or dishes or doing laundry. You should be able to sleep in every day and go to bed whenever you’d like. It should always be one exciting choice after another- cruise this week, skiing next week, a trip out of the country the week after that. Fun, fun, fun with absolutely no responsibilities.

I’ll say it one more time so that I’m not misunderstood (although I’m sure I’ll be accused by someone of being a man-hating, relationship deficient bitter bitch): I think trying to do some of the things good ol’ Sarah suggests is a good thing. By all means, look your best. Talk to your husband. Spend some time with him without the kids around. Surprise him with something fun and/or sexy. Talk to him. Have sex with him. Maybe wear something a little risqué once in a while. Go out and have fun together.

Where her advice falls flat is in the fact that she believes this should be the ordinary. This should be every day life; it’s where the bar is set. I believe those things are “vacation ideas” if you will. I don’t think anyone can live up to all of that every single day. As I said earlier I’m exhausted just reading the list.

The other problem I see with it is there is no talk of equal reciprocation.We women are only as useful as our ability to satisfy our man. Our lives are all about pleasing him. There is nothing about him pleasing us. I guess our big reward is that our husband won’t cheat on us. Because Sarah thinks cheating is a relationship problem.

Honestly, if this is what all I have to do in order to keep a man and have a relationship I’m not interested.

Advice From the Mistress, Part 3

Ready for round three? Let’s begin.

7. Stroke his ego, and other parts – Men want to feel like men. They want to feel needed and wanted. Tell him how much you appreciate him, especially when he does something nice. Let him know you respect him as a man. And touch him. Be tactile with him.

1. Maybe men (these men you’re writing about, whoever they might be) would be treated like men if they didn’t act like entitled 2 year olds.

2. I would find it easier to respect him as a man if he weren’t fucking around on me. I’m pretty sure I speak for the majority of women when I say it’s pretty difficult to respect your cheating husband.

Come on, Sarah, you’re treating men like they’re idiots. No, you treat them like fragile crystal. Or a scared kitten.

Come here, kitty… let me love you. I’ve got a warm house and a soft blanket and plenty of yummy food. Come here, you sweet little bundle of fur. I won’t hurt you. You’re such a pretty kitty. Oh yes you are! You’re so so pretty! Let me pet you and hold you. Oh that’s it. You’re so soft. Do you like it when I scratch your ears? How about under your chin? Oh, you really like that! Yes, you do! Yes, you do! You are such a pretty kitty! I’m going to love you forever and never let you go!

I don’t have a problem with letting someone know I appreciate what they’ve done. I’ve never had a problem saying, “Thank you.”  I’m not talking about being dismissive of someone or treating them like they owe you. I think I’m a pretty kind person. I think I show a lot of love and affection and that I express appreciation. You, however, are ridiculous. And exhausting. My God, it’s a constant cycle of being “on” and having to cater to his ego. If “your man” needs this much ego stroking I can’t imagine you have too much of a relationship. He sounds like a giant baby. It, in fact, reminds me of coaching my own children.

Be gentle, honey; pet the doggy softly. No, no! We read books; we don’t throw them in the toilet. I’m so proud of you for not getting in trouble at school today!  Thank you for doing the dishes. Hey, great job getting up this morning and getting ready for school all on your own. I really liked the way you didn’t call your brother an asshole today. Thank you for unclogging the toilet without having to be told.

It also reminds me of CF telling me he wanted me to come watch him mow the yard. He wanted me to follow him with my eyes, and maybe fetch him a cool refreshing drink. He wanted me to just touch him as I passed by. Guess what, Sarah? I did all those things for the giant man baby. He’s living with and fucking his cousin now.

Was I faithful because he did all of these things you’re telling us wives to do? Hell, do they even need to do any of these things? You never talk about any give and take in relationships; it’s all about what women need to do to hang on to their man. So I apologize for being a bit unclear.

Ultimately though, no, I wasn’t faithful because he did all those things. Oh sure, occasionally he would pick me up a candy bar from the gas station. He would thank me for making dinner. Towards the end he would tell me I was sexy or beautiful or amazing. I got about 16 months of that. Mostly he kicked me out of the bed, didn’t want to hold my hand, and closed himself off in the bedroom. I was faithful because I have a moral compass. I was faithful because I’m loyal until the end. I was faithful because I took my vows seriously. I was faithful because that’s just who I am.

I say again: You do not control another person’s behavior. Not by what you do. Not by what you don’t do.

8. Be Sexy – Even if you sit around in your sweatpants all day, be sure to change just before he comes home from work into something sexier. Oh and remember to shave those legs, and other parts.

Yes, because there’s nothing I love more than donning high heels and cleaning toilets! Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I can clean the toilets in comfort; I just need to make sure I hop right up before he gets home so that I can shower and shave and look like some sort of sex goddess. Because otherwise he’ll cheat.

You sound like the 1950s Home Ec book that made its rounds: Put a fresh ribbon in your hair. Lightly spray perfume.

Because once again we are nothing more than the man’s adoring audience.

The kids are killing one another? Oops! Sorry, kids, Daddy’s on his way home. Mommy’s got to put on her mini skirt and high heels so that Daddy feels like a real man when he gets home. If Mommy isn’t sexy enough Daddy will leave her and you’ll grow up being bounced back and forth between two homes.

You’ve spent twelve hours with a screaming, colicky baby? Just put that baby down, apply some make-up, put on your best slut clothes and get ready to dazzle!

You’ve got one kid who needs to be transported to karate and one that needs to be picked up from piano. You’re in the middle of making dinner, one of your kid’s teachers just called, and you forgot to grab the dry cleaning and it closes in fifteen minutes. Don’t worry about any of that. Chuck all your responsibilities and put on something pretty. Leopard print is preferable.

You know what I want, Sarah? I want a man who thinks I look sexy even when I am wearing sweats. I want a man who can appreciate the fact that I’m making dinner, juggling schedules, and keeping everything going and yet still look up from what I’m doing and say, “Hi, baby! How was your day?”

See? I’m not a total bitch. I have no problem with doing things for others. Hell, I did EVERYTHING for the man I married. He still cheated. Because whatever it was that I did it was never enough.

I oppose this idea that by ignoring all of our wants and needs, and that by doing things we don’t feel like doing, we will somehow have this perfect relationship with a man who would never dream of cheating… if we can just dance pretty enough for him.

9. Ambiance – Create an environment he will enjoy when he comes home. Focus on soft lighting, scented candles and gentle music playing. Maybe run a hot bath, or jump in a steamy shower with him. Have his favourite drink ready, or enjoy a glass of wine together. Hide the kid’s toys, and any other clutter.

I wish you could see me right now, Sarah, because I am rolling my eyes so hard I fear they might fall out of my head. I think, dear Sarah, that this is the main difference between a wife and a mistress.

As his mistress you never had children. You were a kept woman. You fucked rich, married, entitled men who would pay your rent, buy you pretty things and support you. Your “job”, if you will, was to please him at all times. You could set the stage. You could play your gentle music with your candlelight glowing and then enjoy a glass of wine together. You could jump in the shower with him. Because you had no other obligations.

And what in the hell is with this, “run a hot bath”? Are you seriously drawing a bath for a grown ass man because he can’t figure out how to run a faucet, or because he’s just so exhausted he doesn’t have time? Or is this one of those, “We’ll soak in the tub together because it’s so romantic and sexy,” moments? Dear Jesus I hope it’s the latter.

Let me tell you what would have happened if I had done that when my kids were little. The candles probably would have ended up knocked over and setting the house on fire. They would be wondering why we weren’t listening to The Disney Channel and running around like crazy. While we were soaping each other up in the shower, sipping our wine, they would be going crazy in the other room. If the house hadn’t caught on fire then there would be a mess of epic proportions. Guess who would get to clean that up? Of course it would be me. I’d lay 50-50 odds on whether or not my daughter would have tried to kill my son. And honestly? I would be amazed if we could even keep them out of the bathroom while we had our sexy time. They could pick locks. More than likely we would be treated to little hands pulling back the shower curtain and little voices asking, “What are you doing in here? When are you going to be done? Why are you taking a shower together? Can I have some of your drink? Why does his penis look like that? Are you done yet? I’m hungry. Picasso won’t stop touching me. Can I get in the shower with you? Rock Star hit me.”

 

The Dream Job Starts To Become a Nightmare

September 2014

I can’t feel too sorry for him because he wanted this but I’m left once again just shaking my head at what is my life. I know he says he wanted this job to feel better about himself, to feel excited about work again. But, I also know they planned on him moving closer so they could be closer. Makes it much more convenient to meet up and fuck when you can lie and say you’re visiting your family when in reality you are driving to meet up with your whore. No airplane ticket needed. I digress.

He is disgruntled, dismayed, distraught. Feeling sorry for himself. I understand. His boss wants them running seven days a week. Zack is pissed.

So, to sum up, Zack is unhappy, I’m unhappy, our son is unhappy, and while our daughter seems to be very happy, we’ve wasted around $25,000 these last 3 years on gymnastics. I’m putting it all on my husband and his dear whore. I probably should hold him more responsible. Afterall, he just had to have this plant. But I figure with her sending him naked pictures and telling him how she’d suck his dick all the time once he was closer he was easily persuaded to let all the powers that be know he wanted it. Wow- his dream job and his dream whore, all tied up in a neat little bow. Only it’s not his dream job and he supposedly dumped his dream whore long before an offer was made. I would love to see her in this position- her Romeo a mess, her kids unhappy. I do wonder how she would handle it. Not exactly what you were expecting and fantasizing about, huh, Harley? As I always like to remind you, you got all the good and never experienced any of the bad.

Present Day Sam Says: <<< Makes it much more convenient to meet up and fuck when you can lie and say you’re visiting your family when in reality you are driving to meet up with your whore. No airplane ticket needed. >>> Did I nail it or what? That is exactly the excuse Cousinfucker used!

My brother tells me I was being a supportive wife, that I did whatever it took to make that jackass happy, so I shouldn’t blame myself. Yet… every time I look back I think to myself, “How could you have been so stupid?” I knew his original plan was to move us all closer to her. I knew he began making noise about taking over the Whoreville plant when he was involved with Harley. I was just so convinced that we were back on track and that he really had chosen me. I thought I had won the so-called pick me dance and that he rejected Harley. I was full of hubris and my children and I have paid a steep price for that.

Just Go!

As I said a while ago I have been expanding my horizons and reading other blogs, including cheater blogs. Why? I don’t know because they tend to infuriate me. All the same stupid excuses. All the same thinking.

I find myself constantly perplexed by their dilemma of whether or not to leave the spouse. It seems to me it would be a no-brainer. I mean, they talk about how the spouse (usually the wife, but sometimes the husband) doesn’t meet their needs, they’re not sexually compatible or never have sex period, they live like roommates, the spouse doesn’t understand them, blah blah blah. Of course, the mistress (or lover occasionally) always gets them. She’s always so hot, so wonderful, so sexy, so terrific in bed. He thinks about her constantly and she’s the love of his life, his soul mate, blah blah blah.

Yet these people continue to deliberate over whether or not to leave the spouse. What is the big decision here? They talk about their spouse like she is a burden while the whore they’re fucking is a goddess. The wife can do no right and the whore can do no wrong. So how is there even a decision left to make? Why not leave and go be with the perfect one?

Let me guess! You have kids. You have entangled finances. You have shared real estate holdings. You own a business together. He makes very good money, allowing you a very nice lifestyle you don’t want to give up. Divorce is just so hard!

Let me tell you something. I had been a stay at home mom for fifteen years, hadn’t had a full time job since April of ’98, had followed CF around the country for 19 years, putting my own career on the back burner, and was completely dependent on my husband. I was 46 years old, had no one lined up to take the husband’s place and honestly believed (and still believe) that divorcing him meant I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I had been living in a new state for only a year, had just bought a new house, new car, new furniture, and had just put a brand new $57,000 pool in our backyard. I had just switched phone companies and entered a new two year contract and had just renewed my license plates for three years. I still had no family close by and all of my friends were 2000 miles away because again, CF had just moved us across the country. I was looking at financial ruin, no support system and a life spent raising two kids on my own, so if I could file for divorce in spite of all of that you can certainly leave and go be with your soul mate.

You act like you are doing us some favor, deliberating over whether or not to stay or go. You are not. You are wasting our time; you are stealing years of our lives. You are taking free choice away from us and forcing us to live lies. We think we’re building a life with you and you’re busy trying to decide if you’re going to keep fucking Schmoopie/Studly Do Right on the side, or if you’re just going to leave us for the whore. We think we have a partner for life, someone with whom we will grow old, and you’re fantasizing about your perfect affair partner who never makes a wrong move while you catalog all of our faults.

One of the things that pisses me off the most about my situation is all the wasted years. I spent over twenty years with that waste of skin. Had he left ten years ago I might have had a chance to make something of my life. Hell, had he left when he was first confronted I might have had a chance! Now, I’m utterly and thoroughly fucked. I have no shot at a career. I have no shot at making any kind of a decent living. I will never come close to having what I had all those years. I wasted my youth on him. I wasted the best years of my life on him.

You want to write down a list of pros and cons for keeping your spouse versus leaving and going with the soul mate? Why bother? Your spouse will never be able to compete with the mirage that is the other person. That person doesn’t live with you. That person doesn’t see you when you’re sick. You’re never harping on her because she didn’t pick up your laundry from the dry cleaner’s, or on him because he didn’t mow the grass. Their only task is to fuck you. The whole relationship is secretive and sexy and the thrill of knowing you’re doing wrong adds to the excitement. You’re in a little cocoon where you don’t have to deal with any real life situations. No one is ever going to have to stop what they’re doing because a kid is calling for them. No, you’ve arranged it so that your cuckolded spouse (or daycare) is taking care of the kids while you run off and fuck your soul mate. Life is perfect with the soul mate. You never fight. You’re never in a bad mood. No one has to figure out the logistics of how to pay the mortgage or what to do about grandparents who won’t listen or who’s going to pick the kids up because you’re relationship is all about the two of you- no one else. You have no distractions because your getaways are secret; you’re having an affair so no one else is going to be involved.

I think this is where Chump Lady’s unified theory of cake comes into play. You like the “kibbles” and you don’t leave because the spouse is doing something for you; you’re getting something out of the marital arrangement. Maybe it’s as basic as taking care of the house and the kids. Or as basic as supporting you or enabling you to live a lifestyle you couldn’t live on your own. Maybe you don’t want to deal with the financial hit you would possibly take, or you don’t want to have to pay child support. Hey, as long as the spouse has no idea there is another person you are free to spend as much of the marital money pot on the soul mate as you want! Once that divorce comes through though you might easily see your income cut in half, if not more. Maybe it’s as simple as the thrill of having multiple people wanting you. I believe Chump Lady would say it boils down to entitlement and the thrill of getting one over on your unknowing spouse.

Seriously, just leave. Go! Get out! Stop wasting your spouse’s life. They deserve to find someone who will love them the way you claim to love your affair partner. They deserve to be first in someone’s life because they sure as hell will never come first in yours. They will always be unfairly compared to the affair partner. They deserve to be with someone who won’t lie to them, cheat on them, betray them, and humiliate them.

You deserve to live your life with your soul mate. It will be fun! I’m sure it will be exactly like you imagined it- sex all the time, no fighting, constant understanding. There will be no bills to pay, no children to take care of, no explanations needed when co-workers and friends notice the change in spouse. Your real life with your soul mate will be all kinds of awesome! Never a bad or dull moment. Your kids will be fine! After all, if you’re happy then they’re happy. Besides, kids are resilient, don’t ya know?

Hey, I’m sure that anyone who would throw all their morals aside (assuming they had any to begin with) to sleep with someone else’s spouse is a perfectly delightful person- a real catch, if you will. In some cases they’ve cheated on their own spouse and told their own set of lies. But don’t worry. They would never do that to you. You are special. You are their soul mate. You understand them. They only lie to less deserving people. That would never be you!

Crazy Things They Say Plus Some Good News

How cheaters rationalize what they’re doing…

That’s hilarious (and delusional, of course)! Unfortunately, that is truly how they view what they’re doing. Everything they destroy is worth it. Once everyone sees their love they will be fine with the destruction.

I think that says it all. They are all focusing on the fantasy and staying far, far away from reality.

But here’s the good news…

Reality Versus Fantasy

I realized that since I was on the road Thursday I didn’t do a TBT. I’m a little late but enjoy! This is a pretty good one, too.

Blast From the Past 35

April 2014

Here’s the more. Zack is not doing well with this move. He’s stressing over everything; his anxiety is out of control. He’s crying all the time, and seeing everything that can go wrong. He’s convinced we’re going to lose money on the house. When he gets like this I think of Harley and all she didn’t know about life with Zack.

First of all, if regular every day life stresses him out, how the Hell did he ever think he could live through a divorce and custody battle? He doesn’t like change, or the unknown, but he’s going to leave me, possibly lose his kids, have to sell his house (with no buyout safety net), and somehow start a life with his whore? Oh, I would have paid to have seen that! Add on the confusion of does he quit his job and find another one in his home state to be with her- yet another stressor because I know he doesn’t want to switch companies, or does she drop everything, possibly leaving behind children, to come out here and then he’s faced with the prospect of being the perfect partner because she’s given up so much to be with him? In hindsight, I would have enjoyed watching that play out. Even being broke and living with my mom I would have fared much better than him. I would have gotten on with my life. He would never have been able to forgive himself for deserting his children, and would never have gotten over their rejection of him.

Secondly, I believe I already wrote about how she only got the jolly Zack, the upbeat Zack, the I’m so in love with my soul mate and life is just grand Zack. I would love to be a fly on the wall the first time he called to talk to the kids and our daughter refused to speak to him. And if our son followed her lead? One of them rejecting him would have been devastating. Two of them? He’d be suicidal. I would love to watch as his beloved whore had to deal with him crying and going on about what a horrible person he was and what a failure as a father he was. He’s not so happy now, is he, Harley? Love didn’t solve that problem, did it? Maybe you could get down on your knees and suck his dick like you were so anxious to do and see if that makes the pain of his children rejecting him go away. I’m guessing it won’t.

I’d love to watch her have to deal with him when something small happens and he’s convinced himself that it’s a major catastrophe, and she needs to talk him down. Or, when he gets in these depressed, anxious moods and nothing you say or do can help.

Come on, baby, tell me how pretty I am. Tell me how happy I make you and how you’ve never felt this way before. I didn’t sign up for this! I wanted happy, and fun, and soul mate crap. We were supposed to pool all our money together and live a fantastic life. We were going to eat dinner together and buy our dream house. Your wife was supposed to be the root of all your unhappiness. Once we were together it was supposed to be all sunshine and roses and rainbows and unicorn glitter. I never signed on for real life, with stress and problems and your emotional instability. We love each other, remember? I make you HAPPY!

Joke’s on you, Harley! This is the real Zack. He’s broken. You need to have a lot of patience and love to deal with everything he brings to the table. You need to know when to intervene and when to let it go. You need to learn to deal with his mood swings and the fact that he won’t get serious about getting help. You have to accept the fact that you’re the one that needs to be grounded because he’s imagining worst case scenarios, and exaggerating even the most benign upsets. You have to be the strong one and you can never fall apart because you’ll be too busy holding him together. You can’t have a bad day because you need to get him through his bad days, and they are many. You need to realize his mind always goes to the worst possible result, and you’ll always need to be telling him he’s not worthless, or unlovable, or a failure.

I’ve built a life with him, Harley. I’ve accepted these things about him. He has many wonderful qualities, too. But I also know most women wouldn’t have lasted five years dealing with this. You? You wouldn’t have lasted a year. You thought you were getting a fairy tale romance. Your “love” was based on deceit and the thrill of being illicit. It was the two of you against the world, and you lived in your own little cocoon where the real world never dared to interfere. In your fantasy he was everything your husband was not, and you were everything I was not. It was complete and utter bullshit.

I’ve lived reality. I’ve moved across the country with him. I’ve endured miscarriages and infertility problems with him. I was there when his father died. I’ve been there in good times and bad. We’ve built a life together based on what is, not what we fantasized about. You would have been in for an extremely rude awakening. I’m almost sorry I didn’t get to witness it because I would have delighted in your joint misery.

Present Day Sam Says:  Looking back on this two years later is interesting.  I was right about some things and wrong about others. He’s been able to deal with his “move” because he didn’t have to do anything.  He walked out the damn door without saying a word to anyone.  Packed up a few clothes and called it good, while telling everyone I threw everything of his away.  He also didn’t seem to mind abandoning his kids.  That hasn’t bothered him nearly as much as I thought it would.

But he is going to have to sell this house at a loss this time around.  He did switch jobs; it didn’t last.  He is not doing well.  Harley is having to deal with all of this bullshit now and I don’t believe she’s going to make it five years.  She has made it a year but for probably the first 6 months they lived in a fantasy world. They were sneaking behind my back, welcomed with open arms by his dysfunctional family, he was giving her thousands of dollars and then later spending several more thousand on her and her kids.  Life was fun!  It was all sex and drinking and blowing money because I took what I was given and paid all the bills and took care of the kids.  Now he doesn’t have access to as much money.  So he has the sadz.  As for me?  I’m FREE!

A Philosophy Lesson

Back in the good ol’ days when I was trying to recover from CF’s emotional affair with Harley I often stalked her FB page. Of course, I prefer to call it “research”. It’s a strange thing but back then I was so much more focused on Harley and what a whore she is. This time I haven’t really focused on her.  Oh sure, I think she’s a sociopathic, home wrecking, immoral, gold digging tramp with a record, but I don’t worry about her. Don’t get me wrong. If a truck came along and hit her, splattering her body into a few dozen pieces I wouldn’t cry.  I’d probably even laugh at her misfortunate.  Then again, I’m a bitch and I’m mean and unforgiving like that.

I think, for me at least, it comes down to cognitive dissonance. How could I rage against my husband with whom I was trying to reconcile? I used her as a scapegoat instead.  I could let out all my rage on her and he was safe. Now that I’ve kicked his ass to the curb I don’t need to take it easy on him, and therefore, I don’t need to fixate on her to get my rage satisfied.

Anyway, I’m sure you’re all thankful for the psychology lesson but this isn’t what this post is about.  No, instead I thought I would share with you some of Harley’s wisdom and my snarky comments from the first go round; for anyone concerned I haven’t checked up on that bitch since November and have no plans to do so. She is so smart and so philosophical. If she weren’t fucking my husband and tearing my life apart I think she would probably be my very best friend! Are you ready for some words of wisdom from a home wrecking whore?  Great!  Let’s get started.

Then: Bless her heart. Yes, I’m sure her affair with my husband was exactly what she needed to do for the greater good. I’m sure their affair brought them to exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

Now: I’m going to have to disagree with this idea that the journey I am on, right now, is exactly what it needed to be. It sucks great big donkey balls and it is not what I needed. At.All!  Furthermore, I have lost time.  I lost 20 years of my life to that jackass I married. I squandered the best years of employment I had to raise our children and in return for that I have been discarded and am starting all over. If this is what life has in store for me, if this is my now, then I don’t want it.

Then:  Is she having a hard time? Still trying to come to terms with the fact she’s a whore, and that her soul mate tossed her aside when he realized he was thisclose to losing his wife and family? Must suck to make plans for your future with another woman’s husband and watch those plans fall apart. Just breathe, honey; it’ll be ok.

Now: Ah, can you feel the whore angst in the air?  Just breathe.  Have faith that the good Lord will send someone else’s husband your way.  Have faith that you will eventually help to wreck the lives of two innocent kids. But you know what, Harley and CF?  I’m not going to obsess or imagine.  I’m going to breathe and have faith that you both will get everything that you deserve.

Then: You know, for a whore she’s really philosophical.

Now: Pssst!  Hey, Harley, I don’t think the Dalai Lama encourages people to fuck around on their spouses with someone else’s spouse. Call me crazy but… I think basically what he’s telling you here is that while yesterday you may have made the bad choice to fuck my husband and fuck around on your own and tomorrow you’re going to make the same stupid choice, today you have a chance to be a decent human being.  You have a chance to not be a lying, manipulative, cheating, gold digging skank. He is not encouraging you to love, believe, do and mostly live on the backs of others.

Then & Now: Let me help you out. You’re the evil one. You’re the whore, remember? Hope that helps!

Then:  But it is too late to erase the fact that you’re a whore who sent naked pictures and sex fueled texts to another woman’s husband. It’s too late to erase the fact that you were telling someone else’s husband you loved him and wanted to marry him and were willing to leave your husband for him. It’s too late to erase the fact that you were planning a future with another woman’s husband and planning on tattooing a permanent symbol of your undying love for one another on your body. No matter what you do, no matter how philosophical you might become, you can never erase that.

Now: It is way too late to erase that the fact that you are a home wrecking whore who doesn’t have an empathetic bone in her body.

This was my advice to her: Oh, I approach life so bravely. It’s such a trial. Just be, bitch. That doesn’t take any bravery at all. You are not special.

Now: There is nothing brave about you. Depraved, perhaps, but not brave. Brave women don’t block their lover’s teenage daughter when she calls them out on their shit.  A brave woman would have apologized. A brave woman doesn’t stand by and take everything for her own children while her lover abandons his own. A brave woman would insist he do right by his family and have nothing to do with such a sorry excuse for a father.  A brave woman understands that if he’s willing to cheat on and lie to his wife and abandon his kids, then he’s going to eventually lie to and cheat on her and abandon her kids as well. Then again, a brave woman would never get involved with a married man, nor would she cheat on her own husband.  You are not brave. You’re an entitled whore.

This one wasn’t posted by her but I’m sure it was an oversight.  This is exactly the kind of drivel she thrived on!

 

The same can be said of karma, bitch. It might take a day, it might take a year… but it will find you.

Hey, Harley, if you’re really that concerned about being a strong woman and raising a strong woman you might start with not being a deceitful, manipulative whore. That would be a good life lesson.  Strong women don’t fuck other women’s husbands; morally bankrupt whores do.

And I suppose that makes their affair some sort of life lesson that wasn’t wrong at all. It was something they didn’t regret. Thank God they took the plunge instead of living with the regret of, “What if?” BAER

Then: I’m wondering, was this a reminder to herself that their affair wasn’t love because it was making her less, or was this a reminder that the affair was true love because it made her “more of who she is”?

Now: She must have decided it was true love. Well, it certainly made Cousinfucker more of a lying, cheating pathetic excuse of a man and made Harley more of a lying, conniving, cheating whore.

More wisdom from the whore. I can’t even comment on this one. No, wait, I think I can.  Harley to her daughter: Sweetie, don’t worry if your married lover won’t leave his wife the first time.  You just keep on calling and letting him know you’re willing to suck his dick and eventually he’ll leave her and you can finally have your cheating Prince Charming. Naturally, I leave off the cheating part.

You are a truly demented woman and I cannot believe that at your age you still believe in fairy tales and that somehow fucking around with a married man will lead to happiness.

Then: Not my husband, though.  He will never come to you.  Update:  I found the original posting.  I wrote:  I love this one.  It was posted about two weeks before I found out.  I’m sure she thought if she was patient my husband would eventually be hers.  Perfect timing and all that…

Now: I think she may need to worry more about getting everything she deserves.  Because that shit comes to you at the perfect time, too.

Then: Well, it won’t be with my husband!

Now: Enjoy supporting him while he has his yearly breakdown!

Off their knees?

More shit from the whore.

Drivel. It wasn’t destiny. It was him being a delusional asshole, looking for attention and titillation, and you being a manipulative, deceitful whore.  Update:  This one originally said, “Isn’t she just precious?”

Then: You can be patient until the day you die. He will never come back to you. And it will never be the right time.

Now:  Apparently that patience and a little help from Tammy Faye paid off! She managed to win herself a lying cheater! Meanwhile, he’s got a woman who cheats on her husband, sends “inappropriate” pictures to a neighbor and nails her husband whenever he gives in to her begging.

Here’s another thought. If you don’t fuck around with another woman’s husband you don’t need hope or strength.

There you have it! Wisdom and philosophy lessons from a whore.  This is all drivel she posted on her FB during her first affair with CF and for months afterwards. I’ve seen puddles that are deeper than Harley.

You Owe It To Your Children

I like Facebook. I believe I have recounted how it allows me to stay in contact with the various people I have met throughout my life. I’ve moved a lot, supporting CF’s climb up the ladder, and it’s a wonderful way to keep up with people I would have otherwise lost touch. Currently, I don’t post a whole lot on Facebook.  My first attorney advised me to keep most stuff off of there (I’m guessing he was speaking about divorce matters, not whether or not I went cherry picking or bought a new dress) and my life hasn’t exactly been a good kind of exciting lately so I don’t post a lot. I do, however, try to keep up with others.  I’m frequently wishing people a happy birthday or happy anniversary. I’m liking things and commenting. Anyway, I came across a post yesterday that really stuck in my craw. It was from someone I went to elementary school with before my parents divorced and we moved.

The post was giving a shout out to her ex and his family for hosting a going away party for their shared son. That part was fine. But she goes on to say that the best gift you can give your children after a divorce is to “get along” with the other parent and their spouse. She also adds in how sad it makes her when people don’t remember the positives from their relationship, despite the blessings that resulted from them (i.e. the children). She warns that your children will remember how you handled the early years and that you will see this person many times over the coming years- graduations, weddings, births, birthday parties…

Some of the comments were just as infuriating. One person said that the best attitude is to realize that it’s not a “broken” home it’s only a “change” in living arrangements. Another said that even as they negotiate this “new change” in their relationship that they continue to be family. Someone else said she always feels sorry for the kids caught between fighting parents and that her friend feels whenever she puts her child’s father down she is putting the child down as well.

I haven’t replied to any of this because I don’t think my comments would be very helpful; it is obvious to see that many people think this is a wonderful thing and fully support the whole “let’s be buddies for the sake of our kids” philosophy. If I did reply I think it would go a little like this: I think the best gift you can give to your kids is to love their mother or father and not get a divorce. I suppose getting along would be the next best thing you could do for your kids but sometimes that is not possible, especially when dealing with adultery, abandonment, addiction, and/or abuse.

I will be honest. I’ve always wondered if two people were able to get along so well “for the sake of the children” why they couldn’t make their marriage work. If you’re going to hold joint birthday parties and graduation parties, go out to dinner, vacation together, hang out with one another, why not cut out the middleman and just stay married? Perhaps these are the divorces that so-called conservative Christians rail against, the ones where someone is simply not happy or they have fallen out of love or it’s just not exciting or “working” anymore (Oh, believe me, I’ve got a separate post coming about that very thing.). I suppose if my husband had come to me and said, “Sam, this isn’t working anymore; we’re both miserable. I want out,” and we had divorced with no other parties involved, I might feel a little more generous. I might be willing to put aside my hurt and go out to dinner with him and the kids to show them that “we’re still family!”. Might. Not a definite.

Unfortunately, sometimes it’s just not possible. I’m thinking of the woman who had a gun shoved in her face when she tried to leave. That man will never be welcome in her home.  He’s not even welcome to know anything about her. I’m thinking about the person whose husband left with his cup of hot coffee still sitting on the counter, abandoning her and their two small children to go live with his stripper girlfriend on the other side of the country. I doubt she wants to discuss party arrangements with him. I’m thinking about the man who had to pay alimony to his cheating wife and had to fight for 50/50 custody of his kids. I don’t see him and the ex sitting together at school functions. Ultimately, I’m thinking about me.

My husband has done his level best to destroy our lives. He started out by moving us across the country and uprooting us from lives that we loved- all of us! Our kids were happy where we were.  I was happy.  The only person not happy was him. So we moved.  To make him happy. And then once we began to adjust and adapt to our new lives he threw a grenade right into our laps.  Surprise!  I’m fucking my cousin! If that’s not bad enough he moves out of the damn state he moved us to without saying a word to even his children. And now… well, this has been the best trick of them all. He resigned from yet another job and isn’t paying a dime in child or spousal support, forcing us to move another 600 miles, forcing us to leave our home and move in with my mother. I swear to God, I think if the man thought he could get away with killing me he would.

He has lied; he has handed over thousands of dollars to the whore. While lying to me, of course. He has abandoned his children. I assure you he is not the type of person with whom I want to celebrate anything. He isn’t welcome in my home; he isn’t welcome in my life. Remaining friends with him would be akin to someone kidnapping one of my kids and then wanting to stay in touch with us after they were apprehended.  Not gonna happen! Don’t betray me, stab me in the back and fuck me over and then act all shocked when I have no desire to remain friends with you.

The best attitude is to realize that it’s not a “broken” home it’s only a “change” in living arrangements? Oh, you are closer than you think, Mr. Commenter.  Yeah, my kids have definitely experienced a change in living arrangements. Their dear old dad has blown up their lives spectacularly once again and their living arrangements are now 600 miles from where they were living. Their original home is definitely broken. I do a damn fine job of raising and loving these kids, but I never intended to be a single parent. I waited until I was married to have children for a reason; I fully intended to raise these children in an intact home with my husband. Their lives as they knew them are over.

And you?  The person who believes that despite your divorce, this new change in your relationship as you call it, you are still family with the ex?  Yes, you!  You are not family anymore.  Divorce ends families; it doesn’t create them or make them better. Please don’t get me wrong.  I think you can probably end up with a much better situation overall in certain cases, but to act as though divorce is some wonderful thing is just, well, just ridiculous. You and your ex are no longer related.  You are no longer family. You may certainly choose to spend copious amounts of time with a lying, cheating sonofabitch if you wish, but you don’t have to. And if your ex isn’t a lying, cheating sonofabitch, well maybe that right there is why you don’t have a problem hanging around with him.

To the person who thinks it’s so sad when kids are caught between fighting parents: I agree that if the parents really are forcing the kids to choose sides or preventing a relationship with the other parent that is terrible.  However, not every child is in that situation and just because mommy and daddy don’t have joint birthday parties and sit next to each other at ball games doesn’t mean that little Emily or little Aiden will be psychologically damaged. Again, divorce ends families.  If you’re so worried about Emily or Aiden and their need to see their parents getting along try not getting a fucking divorce! That might help.

And as for your friend who feels that if she ever puts her child’s father down she is putting him down? Get a grip! Your spouse and your child do not morph into the same person because they share half of their DNA. In my case my husband is a lying, cheating, cousin fucking, jobless waste of skin who is constantly playing the victim card and really expects people to feel sorry for him. He is what he is. My denying that reality doesn’t protect my kids. Accepting that reality doesn’t mean that I think either of my kids are lying, cheating, cousin fucking, jobless wastes of skin who are constantly playing the victim card and really expect people to feel sorry for them. Believe it or not, they are actually two separate people from me and their father!

I will say I don’t think it’s a good idea to tear down your child’s other parent. I also don’t feel that a person does anything wrong by telling the truth, even if the truth isn’t always flattering. I think there is a big difference between, “You know that your mother does not accept any differences in opinion,” or “You are obviously aware that your father has difficulty with the truth,” and “Your mom is a lying, cheating whore and she’s fucked the entire neighborhood.  She never wanted you and I had to promise her I would take care of you so she wouldn’t place you for adoption!” or “Your dad is a horrible person who has never loved you! He walked away without a moment of regret. He’s replacing you with the whore and her kids and don’t you ever forget that!”

As for the milestones- the graduations, weddings, births, grandchildren’s birthday parties… In my case I don’t think I will even have to worry about it. But even if I thought he’d be around it’s not necessary to celebrate those occasions “with” him. I can attend a graduation without ever setting eyes on him. I’m sure there will be lots of people at their graduations that I don’t ever see. Why make an exception for him? The actual graduation party? Eh, that might be a little more difficult but I bet I could throw a party for either kid and not ever interact with him or anyone in his family if they bothered to show up. It wouldn’t even be awkward; it would simply be the way things worked out what with me being so busy and tending to other guests (you know, the ones I actually like and want to see). Weddings? If he’s there I’ll deal with it but I don’t see a need to speak to him.  I don’t have to sit with him and we won’t be taking pictures together. I’m almost positive neither of my kids are going to want a picture with us together. He kind of ruined that with the whole “cheating on their mom” thing. I don’t foresee us needing to eat the wedding meal together so hooray for separate tables. We won’t be dancing together. There is absolutely nothing that the parents of the bride (or groom) are expected to do together. Birth of the grandchildren should I be so lucky? I’ll just come when he’s not there.  Easy peasy. The only one that might be tricky would be grandkids’ birthday parties but I’m fairly certain I could find plenty of people to interact with instead of trying to act all chummy with him.

Finally, this idea that the best gift I can give my kids includes getting along with his new spouse is hilarious! That whore is not welcome anywhere around me or my children. Period. If, one day, my kids decide they want to give her a chance, fine. I hope they are both wise enough to realize that I will never give her a chance.  I will never be friends with her. I will never be gracious to her. I will never go out of my way to make her feel comfortable. I will never co-host a shower or any kind of event with her. I will never ask her opinion on any such matters. That bitch had better be satisfied with me not trying to shank her at the graduation ceremony!

I think it’s a lovely idea my friend has; I just don’t think it works for too many people. I think whenever you’re dealing with what I like to call The Four Big A’s- Addiction, Adultery, Abuse, Abandonment, you are dealing with many complicated issues that go far beyond slapping a smile on your face and pretending that everything is okay, as though sitting side by side at a graduation is going to make everything all better. I also think this push to be friendly and to put aside all of our differences for the sake of the children is hurtful to all of us out there who have been traumatized and/or victimized by our exes. Maybe it’s easy for me to say that because I know how my kids feel about their dad right now. Maybe I would feel differently if they felt differently towards him. Maybe not. I don’t believe that cheaters are entitled to your forgiveness or to your friendship after a divorce.

Right Spot At the Right Time, Or Something Like That

Blast From the Past 27

March 2014

Something to take to heart:

Don’t Make The Other Person More Important Than They Are:

He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is a distraction. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.

I’m not particularly fond of the thought he was “looking for an affair” but I do appreciate the sentiment that she was simply in the right place at the right time. I think that’s true. We had been struggling for a while. He tells me he thought he was only a paycheck to me and that we lived like roommates. He even told me he didn’t think I cared about him or our marriage anymore, and that I probably wouldn’t even care about his affair with her.

He reconnects with Harley on Facebook; she’s in the same boat and BAM- a recipe ripe for disaster.

And then, of course, you have the fantasy of the affair. Two perfect people with no problems. No one interferes. No one else is making demands. And it’s all wishing and dreaming. No reality.

Harley, you were nothing. All talk of marriage and love ended the moment I put my foot down and he realized if he was going to have you in his life he was going to have to make it real, no more fantasies. You were a diversion, nothing more. You weren’t soul mates. You weren’t destined to be together. You hadn’t finally found “the one”. You were just a sad, pathetic affair partner who happened to be in the right place at the right time, and who he now doesn’t even want to be reminded of.

Editor’s Note:  Again, that didn’t work out entirely the way I thought it was going to.  Live and learn, I suppose. I still believe this whole thing between them is going to implode and when it does it is going to be amazing.

Looking back I am struck by what a whiny, entitled baby CF is. “I’m just a paycheck and a handyman to you.  Waaaaa!  I didn’t think you’d even care that I was planning on marrying someone else while I was already married to you.”  I’m also struck by the copious amounts of bullshit I willingly ate in order to preserve my marriage.  “Oh, no, sweetie!  I love you!  How can I make this up to you?  Tell me which dance you’d like me to dance to- the choose me cha-cha?  The pick-me polka?  The stay-with-me samba?  Hey- how ‘bout the fuck you foxtrot?”  That’s what I should have offered up!