The $172 Tire Charged in Whore Town

July 2015

Why can’t I have a relaxing vacation?  No stress?  No freak outs?  We had donuts for breakfast and headed to the beach for a few hours.  Had lunch at one of Mom’s favorite restaurants.  I texted Zack this morning to see if he was already on the road.  Nope, the mechanics supposedly couldn’t get the machine working so he’s staying an extra day.  Then he’s heading onto his home state.  Sound familiar?  I’m going to go see my mom.  Of course you are!  So I suck that up and tell him I’m fine with it; she’s his mom and of course it’s all fine.  Next, because we’re going to go shopping I check our account balance.  First, he sent another $50 to his mom.  It’s not enough that he sent $500 2 days ago.  Nope, need to send another $50.  Oh, and I did ask him what emergency had befallen them this month.  They didn’t ask for it.  He just knows they’re struggling and he doesn’t think his niece and her boyfriend are going to make it and he seems like a good kid and she’s pregnant and what can he do?  He can’t watch his mom struggle. So, there goes another $50 and on top of that I see a charge for $172 at Walmart in fucking Whore Town, His Home State!  What.the.fuck? I flat out asked him, “What did you spend $172 on in Whore Town, Your Home State?”  He tells me it must be tires for his mom. “Are you in your home state already?”  He says no.  He gave her the credit card information because she said there was something wrong with the new van they got.  He doesn’t know why it showed as Whore Town because it was supposed to be in another town.  And he’ll get the rest replaced when he’s there on Saturday.  Excellent! So you’ve sent $550 in the last 2 fucking days and then you’re going to turn around and spend God only knows how much on 4 new tires.  And I’m sure he’ll buy other shit as well while he’s there.  If he’s not already there.  I find that to be way too convenient. For all I know Harley has left her husband and is encountering money problems and he spent the damn money on her.  And I hate feeling like that. Will I ever trust him when it comes to things like this?  A year ago he was adoring me.  I felt like he was truly gaga over me.  Now I’m not so sure and I sometimes wonder if I did it to myself with the FB page.  His other sister told me he was so excited about the move and felt it would be a fresh start.  Then Blockhead told him about the page and how I didn’t know if I could celebrate another anniversary, how tough our anniversary is for me, how I didn’t love the gift and all those other great things.  Then he went into a tailspin and things just haven’t been the same.  I am beginning to wonder if this is the beginning of the end.  I don’t want it to be but I’m not sure I can stop it either.

So, I retaliated with some revenge shopping.  Bought Picasso a couple of shirts and a pair of tennis shoes.  I bought myself a new Coach purse even though I just got a Kate Spade a few days ago.  Bought one for Rock Star, too, because every 15 year old girl needs a freaking Coach purse.  And wallet.  It’s a little strappy thing so she can use it as a stand alone purse, too.  Plus we both got some new clothes. Hey, if we can feed every fucking member of his family then I’ll buy whatever I want for myself and my kids.  If we can afford over $800 in the last few days to give his mom then the sky’s the limit!  And you know, it amazes me that no one ever says, “Zack, no!  You’ve got a family to feed.  You’ve already given us $500.  We’ll be fine. We can buy our own tires.”  No, once again it’s an unlimited ATM.  He could give them $500 every week and they’d still come back and want more.  As my mom pointed out:  Wasn’t it enough when they basically stole all his money while he was fighting over in Iraq?  Wasn’t it enough when he gave her a credit card in his name which almost cost us our house in OB?  Nope!  It’s never enough. I’m about at the point where I’m ready to suggest he just hand over his entire check to them.  Or maybe he could ask them for all their bills and we can cover them and then all the money coming into them they can use to splurge on.  I guess I’ll go back to Whoreville and get a job so I can afford to do things for my kids since all of our disposable income is going back to his home state.  Hey, how much a month is the whore coughing up for them?  Nothing?  Wow- shocker! By the time this weekend is finished we will have contributed $2000 in just under 2 months.  And he wants to pay their cell phone bill.  Hell, why not?  We’re made of money.

Maybe it’s a non-issue and he’s planning on leaving me.  Maybe he’s already in his home state fucking Harley.  I really don’t know.  That’s the worst part.  My instincts failed me so miserably 2 years ago and now I’m hyper vigilant.  Why would anyone be at the Walmart in Whore Town?  Why?

Present Day Sam Says: Oh, Sam, sweetie. Why would anyone be at the Walmart in Whore Town?  Because he’s in his home state fucking the whore.  Your instincts weren’t failing you; you just didn’t want to believe.

 

Keep Sticking Your Head In the Sand

 

July 2015

Another day at the beach.  I can’t tell if I’m getting tan or burnt.  Bubba Gump’s for lunch.  It was good.  Then we dropped Mom’s tv off at Best Buy, took the girls to the shopping center, and then went to the Donut Hole for donuts for tomorrow.

I’ve been having a horrible time getting ahold of Zack.  He just now finally texted me back.  Says he’s been busy. And now he’s off to dinner with some people from work- customers.  I told him I loved him and only 3 more days til I got to see him but he said nothing.  I sent him some pictures and he told me I was “so fucking hot”.  I don’t know what’s going on with him.  I hope everything is ok.

Oh, another highlight: Jezebel is in Florida.  Spending a few days on the beach by herself supposedly and then she’s off to see her in-laws.  Funny, isn’t it, that she is able to visit her in-laws on a rather consistent basis while she never has time to visit her much missed, much loved brother.  Oh, and I know it’s all my fault.  She can’t visit because I’m so mean and I don’t want her around. Never mind she’s only been to whatever city we’ve ever lived in 7 times in 21 years.  Never mind the last time she visited us was in 2002 when Picasso was a baby.  Never mind that we lived in YYY state for an additional FOUR YEARS after she last visited, so it’s not like she can say it was so far away.  Never mind she never once in almost 8 years came to see us in our former state. No, it’s all because I’m so mean.  Nothing at all to do with her own choices.  Of course not!

Well, I’m going to try to focus on the last few days of this vacation.  I need to call our pool contractor tomorrow to find out when he thinks the pool will be done so Zack can get the money wired to our account. Spend some time with my nieces and nephew and my kids.  Just hang back and relax and have a good time.

 

Why Are You Sending Your Mom $500 Again?

July 2015

Well, today is filling up with drama.  But first I’ll catch up on what’s been going on the past few days.  Kinda chilling.

We did go to the water park on Sunday and had crab legs for dinner.  Yum!  Yesterday we went to the beach.  Had tuna fish sandwiches for lunch. Then went to the outlet mall to shop.  I got a cute Kate Spade purse and wallet.  $240 total.  Today we went to, surprise! the beach and then to Margaritaville for lunch.  It was overhyped I think.  We had to wait to be seated, the place wasn’t air conditioned; instead they had it completely open and relied on the breeze to cool you off.  It was quite expensive-  almost $75 for the lunch alone, plus I spent another $18+ on drinks while waiting.

I checked our checking account to see if any other bills had come through.  I get my little notifications for how much is in the account but I’ve had it happen where I think I have x amount and I end up having y amount because other things have come in that morning.  Thankfully, all of my purchases from yesterday came through.  But there’s also another $500 donation to my in-laws.

I’m trying to figure out why this bothers me so much because normally I would be very giving.  And I know it’s not like we’re completely struggling.  I’m curious as to what in the hell is going on that they needed $500.  I swear, if I read another post from the niece’s boyfriend to hear about their stupid fucking aquarium I think my head will explode and I’ll end up replying, “Hey, here’s an idea!  Instead of spending God only knows how much on your fucking fish why not use that money to feed yourselves so that I no longer have to!”

I just keep coming back to the fact that we can’t support them at this level forever.  We just can’t.  We’ve got a kid who is going to start college in another 3 years.  She’s not going to qualify for any financial aid so we better start saving some money now!

He sent: $100 on June 8, $500 on June 10 (to fix the car), $100 on June 16, $50 on June 22, $50 on July 3, $200 on July 8, $50 on July 13 and $500 on July 21.  Plus $149 in Western Union charges. $1550 in 6 weeks.  Good to know we’re replacing Rock Star’s gymnastics with keeping everyone in fucking his home state fed. No, Sam; he replaced Rock Star’s gymnastics with supporting a whore and her kids.

OK, we’re all doing fine.  No one is going without.  I would like to know why on earth he sent $500 and I’d also like to know how long we’re going to be doing this.  It gets ridiculous after a while.  If you don’t have the fucking money to feed your granddaughter and her baby daddy then you don’t feed them!  If you don’t have the money to splurge on your great granddaughter or buy her diapers and/or formula you don’t fucking do it!  You don’t spend money you don’t have and then turn around and give a sad song to your son so that he sends money to you and you can treat everyone around you!  I know I’m being a bitch.  I really do.  But I just have to wonder how far this is going to go.  You want to send $200-$400 a month their way, fine, do it.  But I would suggest sending a check instead of racking up additional fees. Now, Sam, if he had sent a check the gig would have been up. You would have known he was giving marital assets away to Harley. You wouldn’t have been in the dark any longer. That’s no fun! Playing you for a fool is fun!  And I would tell them, “This is what I have to send you. I’ll send $400 a month.  If you blow it all on 2 people who should be supporting themselves then that’s on you.  I don’t want to hear about how you’re going hungry because you knew what you had coming in.”  I guess that’s what I worry about.  They think it’s a free for all ATM.  Spend whatever you want because Zack will just continue to send more.  Not to mention they still associate with the whore.

And I’m still not completely convinced that he hasn’t taken back up with her.  She’s posting crap about supporting vets with PTSD.  Posting more inspirational quotes on her page.  And he’s not acting like he’s crazy about me anymore.  He’s hard to get ahold of, supposedly napping.  Doesn’t tell me he loves me like he used to.  He’s either screwing around with her again or Blockhead or Jezebel has convinced him to distance himself from me and leave me when the kids are grown.

Present Day Sam Says:  Ding ding ding!  We have a winner!  CheaterBoy is cheating again!

That Lowdown Dirty Bastard

July 2015

Money, money, money.  Zack said he’s got plenty of stock to cash in so even with the price tumbling we would be fine.  So, I decided to go with the stamped concrete after all. I was feeling guilty and then Zack let me in on a little secret.  He’s been sending his mom money for about a month to help them with groceries. $50 here, $100 there. No, the real secret he was keeping was that he was trying to support a whore and her four kids.  Surprise! Makes it sound like no big deal.  Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to look up just how much he’s sent.  Over $1000 if you include the wire transfer fees.  $500 of that was to fix the van which had taken a crap and they needed to fix it before they could turn it in. Another big lie from him. That money went to the whore, not his mom.  Another $500 for groceries, I guess. No, another $500 for the whore and her daughter. New daddy is a big spender and needs to impress his new fake kids!  We never sent the check for his niece’s rent so he figured he would just give his mom money to help pay for groceries since they’re always feeding the two of them. Then today I ask him about this letter from Verizon which was approving him for a phone.  Oh, he’s getting a phone for them and paying the bill. No! Another lie! He bought phones for the whore and her daughter. The sonofabitch let me get online and pay the damn bill for him- and them.  And he justifies it by saying we help my niece and will probably help my other niece and we’re paying my mom’s cell phone bill.  Yeah, but my mom’s cell phone bill is $75/month.  I send my niece a care package once a month or less and the total cost of it is generally less than $100.  Once I simply sent her a check for $25, I believe.  I send her boxes of oatmeal and an occasional piece of clothing.  Sometimes she gets lucky and she gets $25 gift cards to Papa John’s or Chipotle.  I’m NOT sending her $1000 a month and then turning around and paying her cell phone bill. I don’t know why it bothers me because I was fully on board with paying for his niece’s rent for 2 months. Come on, Sam! Sending your niece a care package is exactly the same as him spending thousands on a whore and her kids to impress them!  And I’ve never had a problem sending Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye money before. And, most importantly, we do have it, at least right now.  But I don’t want to end up being dirt poor once he retires because we never saved up anything because we were too busy supporting every member of our family. Well here’s where you got lucky, Sam. You ended up dirt poor before retirement when he spent the next two years financially raping you and continuing to live the life of a bachelor with no children, no debts, no nothing. Just endless freedom and tons of money.

I guess maybe part of it is he never really discussed it with me.  He just did it. Yes, it’s kind of funny how he didn’t discuss his mistress cousin and his desire to support her and raise her lifestyle substantially with you. It’s not like you would have, you know, objected or anything.  And then there’s the fact that if his niece and her boyfriend are old enough to have babies then they should be old enough to support them.  You don’t tell people you can’t pay your electric bill or afford diapers that fit your baby because you don’t have money and then turn around and trade in a perfectly good (paid for) car for a truck payment.  You don’t cry poverty while you continue to buy cigarettes and fish for your aquarium.  If you’ve got money to smoke then you’ve got money to buy food.  If you can’t do both then you should quit.  And you sure as shit don’t turn around and get your girlfriend pregnant again!

It’s a never ending circle.  You can’t tell his niece and her boyfriend to get their shit together because “they’re adults and you can’t tell me what to do!”  You could tell Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to deliver the same message but the fact of the matter is they will never stop helping them even if they don’t have it to give. So, you could threaten to cut them off if they continue to feed them but it wouldn’t do any good.

I’d like to know where their parents are? They’re not orphans!  Would it kill her father to give her $100 for diapers and formula once in a while?  It’s not like he and his ex did it all on their own when she was a baby.

Oh, and where is Harley?  She’s oh so invested in Zack’s family.  Is she sending money to Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to help them?  Is she offering to buy diapers for the baby?  No, I don’t think so.  She’s just busy gushing over everyone and telling them how much she loves them. Sam, sweetie, Harley is busy taking all of this money!  None of it was going to the niece or Tammy Faye.  It was going to Harley.  That’s where she is.  She’s promising to ride your husband’s dick and robbing you blind.

And where’s Jezebel?  They’ve got the money to remodel the kitchen and buy endless amounts of hunting gear.  They can afford to run off on vacation every time you turn around. Is she helping them out? Or is she focused on her own self?

I realize that if I were counseling someone with this problem I would tell them to concentrate on what they were doing and not to worry about what other’s might be doing or not doing. It doesn’t really matter if Harley or Jezebel are helping.  You don’t do the right thing only if someone else is doing the right thing.  I would probably also tell them to ask themselves if they are losing out on anything.  Are they or their children going hungry or without?  If not, and you can afford it, then do the nice thing.  It can be frustrating supporting people that should be supporting themselves but in the end I try to remember it’s about being a good person. That is called spackling and eating endless shit sandwiches. Yep, I convinced myself I was a good person and it was the right thing to do- helping his mom out. In reality the shit eating chimp was robbing us blind and probably getting a boner while doing so.

I suppose we’ll reevaluate in a little while.  I don’t think we’re going to be able to keep this up when Rock Star goes away to college so he needs to be preparing his mom and Pastor Fake for that.  We can’t send them $500/month and pay their cell phone bill and send our daughter to college.  And no, we’re not going to have her sacrifice her higher education because you’ve made disastrous decisions throughout your lifetime. Oh Sam, you silly silly little woman. Your daughter’s higher education was tossed aside for a whore and her children. Her father didn’t even blink.

Sometimes I wish I just didn’t know!

Also in the negative column, Zack had another panic attack. I doubt he’s going to go to Florida with us. Hell, if he doesn’t pull it together soon he may end up losing his job.  Once his therapist gets back they are going to have to go full steam ahead with this EMDR therapy.  I feel bad because I won’t be here the following week and I think he won’t either because he’s been talking about having to go out of state for work during that week we’re gone. Wow! He is really really good at this lying shit, isn’t he? How convenient that he can’t go to Florida with us on our family vacation! How convenient that he is suddenly working out of town. And once again I’m feeling bad and like I’m letting him down while he’s making plans to fuck his whore cousin.

Let’s just pray everything works out and he finally gets fixed.  It’s really starting to affect the kids.  Rock Star would like her father to be present and she doesn’t feel that he is.  Picasso needs a strong role model and Zack is busy hiding in his room.  I’m pretty much at the point where I’m ready to hire everything out and just accept the fact that he will never be a companion to me.  I love him but after 21 years with him I think that’s just not enough.  He’ll never be whole.  The sad part is I think that during his time with Harley he was whole; he was happy.  It was probably all the fantasy aspect of it; reality wasn’t a part of their relationship.  Nonetheless, that’s what he could be and I’ll never be enough to bring that out in him. Sadly, there are still times I believe that to be true. I just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t the right person. 20+ years together, 2 kids, numerous moves across the country, starting my life over again and again to help him advance his career… and I wasn’t the right person. The whore is.

Funny isn’t it that Jezebel tells him he deserves so much better than me?  I think I deserve a husband that wants to be a partner.  I deserve a husband that wants to be a companion.  I deserve a husband that wants to share life with me and not sit up in his room drinking all the time.  I deserve a husband to laugh with and do things with and to help me raise our family. That was one of the few moments of clarity you had, Sam; too bad you didn’t run with that and get the hell out. I don’t get any of that.  I am so hoping that these meds work and that his mood changes around.  I’m hoping that this therapy helps because I don’t know how much more I have in me.  I feel myself pulling away; I feel us drifting apart.  And I feel myself beginning to sink in that dark hole again.  I will do my best to focus on the good, focus on the beauty, but I can’t make promises.

Smile & Wave, Boys

July 2015

We finally made it home! 30 hours and 45 minutes on the road.  All went well at the in-law’s.  Feels like I’m putting the past behind me.

Came home to a house that smelled to high heaven.  The dogs have been peeing and pooping everywhere! So, I spent a good 3 hours today shampooing carpets.  I hope that helps.  I ended up blowing a fuse and it won’t flip back on so Zack may need to change that.  Rock Star mowed the front yard today because it hadn’t been mowed in over 3 weeks- since I mowed it last which was probably May 24th or so.  And, he hadn’t taken out the garbage the entire time we had been gone so I set out 10 bags today. Oh, plus I had asked him to restore 2 events on my DVR.  He restored the wrong 2 episodes of Scorpion and didn’t restore the Castle episode at all. Needless to say it was not a very nice homecoming.

The concrete workers came out today.  I was all excited thinking they were finally going to be starting on that.  No.  No such luck.  He is going on vacation on Friday and won’t be starting until the 13th. He said it would take about a week to get everything poured.  Lovely! And I still need to get the electrical done AND an inspector needs to come out and sign off on an inspection.  On the positive side, if it can even be called that, Zack informed me that he’s probably not going to go to Florida so someone will be here to pay everyone if the pool is completed while we’re in Florida.

I still need to call to get the hole in my ceiling fixed and the guy from the repair center to get my water filter fixed.  I have to say, I don’t think I will ever leave for an extended vacation again.  Quite honestly I’m a little hesitant to leave for another week.

Now I get to tell my mom that the pool may not be done when we get back after all. I am now crossing my fingers that we get to swim in the damn thing this summer!

Present Day Sam Says:  There are so many things wrong with this.  Let’s start with the obvious: He hadn’t taken out the trash in 3 weeks!  He hadn’t shampooed the carpets after the dogs had peed and pooped (they are used to being let out whenever they need to go because I am home all day with them).  He didn’t mow the yard in the entire 3 weeks we were gone!  It is very clear now that he had completely checked out by then.  He wasn’t doing anything for us.

Secondly, Tammy Faye was the one who urged Harley to call my husband because he had the sadz. This means that while I’m telling myself the visit went well and I’m ready to put the past behind me that conniving bitch more than likely knew that her son was fucking around with that whore again. She had me in her home and acted like nothing was amiss and the whole time she knows. She knows he’s fucking around again. She knows he’s planning on leaving me. The cruelty still manages to astound me.

I also remember trying to remain Zen about the whole pool thing.  I kept telling myself that once it was in I would have it for many more years to come. Yeah, I somewhat enjoyed it for about 6 days. So not worth it. Sometimes trying to look at the bigger picture and being all Zen just blows up in your face.

Turning the Corner While the STBX Chooses Door #2

June 2015

Welcome to the Summer Solstice!  Longest day of the year.  I took the girls to the mall today and dropped them off to let them shop.  I went to see Spy with a friend and her husband and then we picked the girls back up and my friend and I lounged on the patio and in the kiddie pool, drinking the rest of the wine we had opened up last night…

In other news I remember reading that it generally takes 18-24 months to fully recover from an affair.  I have come to believe that’s pretty much spot on.  I also think that’s IF you recover.  The last few weeks I have been in a much better place.  I really have no desire to read the infidelity blogs I used to follow.  I don’t have much of a desire to see if Harley has posted a new picture or if she and my in-laws are conversing. I mean, it’s not totally gone but it’s not an overwhelming need either. I say this despite the fact I just checked up on her a day or so ago.  Who knows?  I may never stop checking up on her.  But she keeps her page private so I can’t really see anything.  She did post a picture of a vet with PTSD who has a sign asking for advance notice of fireworks going off near the 4th of July.  Maybe she’s just very civic minded and it has absolutely nothing to do with Zack.  Maybe she knows I still stalk her and she does it to get a rise out of me.  Or hell, maybe they are still fucking around.  I can’t control it though so I don’t dwell on it.  I can’t imagine that he would be willing to spend $53,000 on a pool only to have to put the house up for sale when we divorce.

I think I have been doing a great job of not dwelling on dates or what was going on at this time 2 years ago.  Sure, 2 years ago I posed for a picture with Zack and the kids and posted a Happy Father’s Day message only days after being told he didn’t know if he loved me anymore and while he was declaring his love for his whore.  But, this is 2015, not 2013.  As Elsa would sing, “Let it go!”  And so I am.  You will not defeat me, you whore!

I don’t even think much about Jezebel and all the crappy things she has done. I try not to think about the fact that my in-laws gush and fawn over the whore.  I’m simply trying my best to be Zen and accept that which I cannot change….

OK, I’ve got to get up in the morning so I’d better go.

Present Day Sam Says:  Joke’s on me! While I’m finally turning the corner, accepting what was done, trying hard to move on and “focus on the future” he was hot and heavy with a whore.  Turns out he WAS willing to throw money into a giant pit in our backyard.  The entire time that pool was being built he was messing around with Harley, sending her money even and buying her and her kid iPhones and then taking on the cell phone bill.

And again I’m so busy being open minded and Zen that my brain should have tumbled out of my head.

As if that wasn’t sad enough I was having a really good time at this point. I was back in XX state and having a wonderful time seeing my friends again. It felt so good to visit our favorite restaurants, to be part of something, to be busy and active and vibrant once again. I’m feeling better and he’s plotting to leave me for a whore.

 

Two Months Before D-Day

Right about now I’m preparing for my divorce. I need to get stuff together so between work, kids, and the mobster I don’t have a lot of time to write. I’m going to be leaving you with a few Blasts From the Past until I can get caught up on everything I need to do for the big D! I hope you enjoy reading about my last few crazy months with CF before I found out he was fucking around with the whore yet again. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride! 

These next few entries are from when the kids and I were back out west visiting friends. You know, since he moved us 2000 miles across the country for his dream job. 

June 2015

…. We went to the reservoir today and tonight we went to the dollar theater and saw Cinderella, which was pretty good. It has been nice being busy and hanging around friends again.
Zack is sick again. He said he had a massive anxiety attack last night and spent about 4 hours curled up in the shower and then he went in to work and threw up multiple times so he came home and spent the day at home. I hope he’s not drinking again. My mom said I should call Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to see if they would go and spend a few days with him.
Speaking of them, the whore put up her new picture again and this time around my FIL liked the picture. Thanks! But, in my new state of grace and forgiveness and looking on the positive side of everything I am not dwelling on it and in fact, I may end up seeing if they will be around on the 29th and if they are seeing if we can stay the night with them on our way back. I think that is remarkably big of me. I also changed my MIL’s contact picture on my phone to one of our trees so I don’t have to look at Harley’s ugly face every time she calls. His nephew, Jezebel and Pastor Fake still have Whore’s picture as their contact picture though.
I am also rarely reading any of the infidelity blogs. I just have no desire to. I did briefly look at Not Hate’s today.
Lately I’ve just been unable to think about affairs or any of that stuff. I just don’t have the time or patience for it. I’d like to put it all behind me and not have to think about it. I really am trying to focus on the positives and find good in everything. I’m crossing my fingers that Zack will soon be back on the road to recovery, although he’s taken a detour while I’m away.
He missed his appointment with his therapist last Wednesday and then decided to hold off on meeting until I come back. I’m going to have to make sure he does make his appointment with his psychiatrist on the 30th. I’m not sure I’ll be back by the time of his appointment and he can’t go around canceling those. It takes forever to get on the schedule.

Present Day Sam Says: Wasn’t I a busy little spackler? Spackle, spackle, spackle! It’s all going to be wonderful. He’s going to get better and we’re going to live happily ever after. Nothing bothers me anymore. Where are those shit sandwiches? They sure do look yummy! May I have more, please?

I don’t know when they started up again. I do know the first money transfer took place in June. It wouldn’t surprise me to find that he was an anxious mess because he was finally taking that step to leave me and his kids. Of course that assumes he has a conscience and I’m not sure he ever had one. All I know for certain is that I was still doing my best to get him help so that we could be a family and live a happy life and he was throwing it all away.

More Signs From the Universe That I Conveniently Ignored

May 2015

The whore’s newest picture (picture removed for now). Longer and darker.  Looks like I’ll continue to go short and blonde. I have to say I have been very surprised that my in-laws have not commented on or liked the picture.  Perhaps letting my MIL know she was sending naked pictures to Zack had something to do with that.

In other news it appears she’s now friends with Zack’s niece.  Oh, I just love seeing her gush over the new baby.  So, so glad we’re so entwined.  Even better I love the fact that Zack and I are sending money to pay her rent for 2 months while the whore does nothing.  If you love them so much why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and actually do something, Harley?

I am never going to get away from her, am I?  She’s everywhere.  My MIL thinks she can sympathize with what I’m going through because of what she went through, but the OW in her case didn’t hang around her family.  That’s the huge difference.  I’ve got everyone that we see when we go to Kentucky thinking she’s just the greatest thing ever.  People come into my home and then turn around and compliment that bitch.  And here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”

Yes, I know I could bury my head in the sand and pretend she doesn’t exist. But you know my policy on that.  Just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  I mean, if someone let a snake loose in my house even if I couldn’t see it I still wouldn’t feel comfortable until it was caught and removed.  I would never feel comfortable.  I’d always be wondering if I opened a cabinet or stepped down onto the floor if the snake would be there.  That’s just a fact.  I’d be a nervous wreck.  Blocking her on FB is like having an unseen snake roaming my house.  I’d rather know.  I’d rather see what was going on and be prepared.

In my defense, I do not stalk her page often.  I do sometimes wonder if it were someone different, someone everyone on Zack’s side of the family didn’t communicate with, if I wouldn’t stalk her page at all.  I kinda think I wouldn’t. I would have no need to.

The way I see it, Zack and I as a couple are fine.  I don’t think about her much in terms of what she almost did to our marriage.  Yes, I am still haunted a bit by the whole:  I know I don’t want to lose my kids and him telling Jezebel that Harley made him happy.  It bothers me because he does seem so miserable now and didn’t back then. Oh, logically I know it all has to do with the whole fantasy vs. reality thing.  She was new and exciting and promising to fulfill his every need.  It was all fantasy and no reality so she was the perfect woman, doing everything that needed to be done.  I get that.  It still bugs me at times.  Probably because he never sees the need to point that out to his sister when he talks to her and she talks to him and tells him how miserable he is.

And I can sometimes rationalize the FB thing by telling myself it’s no big deal; it doesn’t mean anything.  I’ve got “friends” that I rarely communicate with on FB. I have also been known to accept a friend request from someone I don’t know all that well. So, perhaps that is what has happened here with his niece.  It still bugs me, though.  I’m tired of seeing her wherever I look.  Funny how this becomes my cross to bear when I’m not the one who cheated!

Present Day Sam Says: Oh yeah, I think they were definitely fooling around at this point. He always said he loved my hair when it was longer and darker. I remember this picture of the whore. Someone commented on her weight loss, too. Another sign of an affair. Sign #3? Friending CF’s niece on Facebook. This was Pastor Fake’s granddaughter. Absolutely no reason for Harley to have any contact with her. In fact, she hadn’t up until this point.

I truly believe Harley is one of the most manipulative, fake phony people out there. She and Jezebel will get along wonderfully.

Oh, and this part?  <<<… here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”>>> That was absolutely dead on accurate.

You cannot continue to interact with the whore and honestly say you are rooting for reconciliation between the married couple. They obviously didn’t think that what she, or he, had done was that bad and they obviously were rooting for the two of them to get together.

Trying To Make Sense of the Nonsense

 

March 2015

Let’s see them hack into this!  There is more than one way to skin a cat. At this point I switched over to journaling on my computer.

I’ve been thinking.  A lot.  Mainly about Jezebel and her comment, my favorite, about how he deserves so much better than me.  About my husband’s comment to his other sister, how it’s been 2 years and why can’t we just move on? About that sister and her snide message to me about me worrying about the house and then turning around and booking airline tickets. About being grateful.  About accepting reality.  About moving on. About pain shopping, which dovetails nicely with moving on.

OK, we’ll tackle moving on first.  It’s very difficult to move on when your husband doesn’t do the few basic things you’ve asked for in order to reconcile.  I told him that 1. He needed to send Harley a text and end things with her.  I wanted to see the text to prove that he actually sent it, and he was to have absolutely no contact with her after that. 2. He was to give up all passwords to me and remove the passcode from his phone. 3. We were going to attend marital counseling. 4. He was to never discuss our marital issues with Jezebel again.  What did he do?

Well, instead of sending her a text and ending it, he says he called her and ended it.  That’s nice, but that’s not what I wanted.  I had a purpose behind wanting you to send a text.  I wanted to see it in black and white.  I wanted to see him write:  My wife knows about you.  She gave me an ultimatum.  I choose her.  We’re done.  Don’t contact me ever again.  Did I get that?  No, I got the replay of his supposed phone call to her. And then I got her text which makes it look like he actually chose her and she ended it.  Furthermore, his response to her was based on not wanting to hurt her.  He felt bad for her.  Her- the mistress of 3 1/2 months.  Not me, the wife of almost 19 years.  I got a reply about honor and duty and obligation.  Not love.  Not choice.  Am I supposed to believe him without proof when I vividly recall asking him if she was worth losing his wife and kids, and he replied he knew he didn’t want to lose his kids?  Am I supposed to believe him when he would have sex with me and then turn around and walk out our door and text her good morning and then precede to talk to her on his entire 30 minute drive to work every.fucking.morning?  That is some strong faith, and if I’m not there yet so be it.  I figure I mainly believe him.  I only have doubts some of the time.  It’s been 2 years?  Nah, not really.  We’re coming up on 2 years of your half hearted confession where you couldn’t even admit you were doing something wrong, or that she was your whore.  You tried to make it sound like she was one of many and it was just a little texting.  No, it wasn’t.  It was her, and only her.  And you were telling her you loved her and you were telling other people you loved her and she made you happy and you were going to marry her. On top of that, you two were talking about sex and what all you were going to do to each other, and you were talking about a future together and she was sending you naked pictures.  It’s been 2 years since you tried to confess and pull the wool over my eyes at the same time.  It hasn’t been 2 years since I discovered the truth.  We’re at about 18 months for that.  18 months since I found out the extent of your lies and betrayal.  18 months since you told me you didn’t want to lose your kids.  18 months since you told me you hadn’t been happy in years.  18 months since you admitted that you two talked about sex, and how much you loved each other, and how much you wanted to be together.  18 months since you told me you two really really liked each other. 18 months since I received The Saint’s FB message asking me if I had gotten a good lawyer yet.  And we’re at 16 months since I discovered you bragging to your nephew about marrying her, after insisting to me that you two had no concrete plans.

So that’s part of the not able to move forward movement.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what their plans were.  I don’t know what all they talked about.  I don’t know how far into the planning it got. I don’t know that I was his first choice. I have no proof of that. Again, for all I know he called her up right after he got off the phone with me and told her I knew and I’d issued an ultimatum.  And then he told her she was his soul mate, his one true love, his very best friend, and the love of his life and there was no way he could give her up.  For all I know he told her, “I choose you, Harley!”  And Harley, being the manipulative, deceitful cunt that she is warned him that if I got wind of his choice that I’d probably run.  Maybe she even reminded him that I already had airplane tickets to fly to my home state in 2 days.  “If you want to keep your kids around, then you need to make sure she thinks you chose her.”  And then the good little whore proceeded to tell her husband she was leaving.  And her husband said, “Fine, but you’re not taking the kids.  They’re all disgusted with their whore of a mother.”  That’s when Harley finally realized she and my husband weren’t going to be forming their own version of the Brady Bunch, that there might be bumps in the way, and that the path to true love was not going to be a smooth one.  Maybe her kids gave her a ration of shit.  Maybe the two oldest told her they weren’t going to live with her.  It was at this point she decides it’s just not going to be worth it and that’s when she sends her bleeding heart text to Zack.

Is that really all that crazy?  Why is that version any less believable than the one he told me about?  At least in the second version I have her text ending it. It would be lovely if, instead, I had a text from him ending it.

What else did he do?  Well, he did in fact give me his passwords and take the code off his phone.  And to his credit he did recently offer to have my thumb print be one of the prints that could open his phone.

Marriage counseling?  He went but he didn’t really participate, and our counselor told us that is was pretty much a waste of time after 3 or 4 sessions. If we ever went again I think it would be interesting to hear his side of everything that happened.  It seemed to be mainly me talking because he didn’t much participate. I’ll give him credit for going when he didn’t want to, but I’m not giving him credit for anything else.  He didn’t participate and I don’t think we got much out of it. At this point in time I’m tired and I’m not willing to go again so I guess he’s safe.

And not discussing our marriage difficulties with Jezebel?  We both know that one went completely off the rails.  He performs a fucking Shakespearean soliloquy when he’s telling everyone all my faults and everything I’m doing to him, and I get a fucking one line reprieve when he pulls his head out of his ass.  I know that’s not a kind way to put it, but it pisses me off. And upon looking up how to spell soliloquy that’s not really the best description.  That’s what I perform on a daily basis when I’m raging!

That brings me to another point- the concept of the man in the middle. There is a poster on a board I like to read and she often says that many times you can look to the man in the middle as the source of conflict.  I’ve thought about that a lot and I believe it’s true, even with this.  He throws me under the bus to Jezebel, goes on and on and on about how horrible I am, and then says, “Oh, my bad!”  Is it any wonder she hates me?  He doesn’t tell her the good stuff.  He’s too busy getting his head patted when he’s the poor, oppressed little brother married to the evil, awful wife who uses him as a handyman and a paycheck. Man in the middle.  Have no doubt, I’m still not pleased with her encouraging him to leave me when he was fucking around.  And I’m definitely not pleased with her latest round. But he poured gasoline on the fire, and he did something I told him not to do ever again.

His mom and stepdad are another case in point.  I told him in therapy I didn’t like how Pastor Fake was gushing over Harley’s picture.  It was hurtful.  His attitude was, “I can’t control what he does.”  Then shortly thereafter his mom gets online and tells her she’s sooooooo pretty.  I unfriend them (they were sharing an account at the time) and probably blocked them at the time.  Undoubtedly unfriended them from my daughter as well, and blocked them.  I know she must have asked about it but instead of coming to me and saying, “Hey, what happened?  My mom says she’s blocked on both your and our daughter’s page,” he acts like he can’t control anything.  I keep thinking that if he had only pulled his mom aside in the beginning and said something along the lines of, “I know I created this mess, but if the two of you want to have a relationship with my wife and kids you’re going to have to distance yourself from my mistress.  It is upsetting to my wife to see the two of you acting all chummy with the woman I cheated on her with.  We both know we can’t control you and you can both do exactly as you want.  But I’m here to tell you that there is no way you can have Harley in your lives and have my wife and kids in your lives.  So you’re going to need to make a choice.”  Or even a much shorter, condensed version:  My wife can see you two gushing all over Harley, joking with her, telling her how pretty she is. You know that I cheated on her with Harley; therefore, she has no desire to associate with anyone that wants to be a part of Harley’s life.  It’s that plain and simple. You can have a relationship with my wife, or one with my mistress but you can’t do both. (Believe me, I tried! ba-dum!!!).

I think that’s part of not being able to move on, as well. I think I have made tremendous progress in accepting the fact that his parents will never turn their backs on Harley.  They will always be kind to her.  They will always compliment her.  She will always be around.  And I, in many ways, am forced to accept that. I’m forced to accept the fact that I will never be around for any family events because I don’t know if the whore will be there or not, and I don’t want to be there if she is.  I’m forced to accept (and I know this is morbid) that when his mom dies I’m going to be going through 3 levels of hell.  I’m going to have to deal with Zack and his grief, I’m going to have to deal with his bitch of a sister, and more than likely, his whore will show up. It’s very difficult to move on and forget about her when she is front and center all the time, or at least it feels like that.  She was praying for my husband last month.  Praying for him!  She has a front seat into the window of our lives.  Anything my in-laws post on FB about us, about my kids, that bitch can see. How do you move on from that? How do you move on from your in-laws thinking that your husband’s whore is a swell person?  I keep expecting her to show up at Thanksgiving and for them to offer up the use of their bedroom so he can fuck her.

I read about pain shopping yet again yesterday.  It’s not so much that I want to do that, it’s more I don’t want to be ambushed.  I guess when you don’t feel safe or confident you continue to look over your shoulder.  I don’t know that I was his first choice.  Hell, I don’t even know for certain that he’s not back in contact with her again.  I don’t know that someone won’t throw facts at me, facts of which I have been completely unaware of for over a year, which might result in my own downward spiral. I don’t look on her page that often.  I check every now and then to see if she’s got a new profile picture up.  I occasionally check my in-laws’ pages to see if she’s commenting or liking certain things.  Of course she is!  Good ol’ Harley can’t fade into the background. Oh no!  Look at me!  Look at me!

I know I’ve said it before and I will say it again.  Not knowing the bitch is being welcomed with open arms by all who know about her and Zack doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.  And closing my eyes and pretending like as long as I don’t see it everything is ok, is just living in a fairytale.  It does no one any good.  Eventually, you wake up and you discover the truth and you feel betrayed.  I’d just as soon get it out of the way.

I guess what it boils down to is can I accept what happened?  Sure.  I can accept it.  Doesn’t mean I like it.  Just like accepting who my in-laws are.  It hurts me very much knowing they can embrace the woman that almost tore my life apart.  But, I accept that that is who they are. When I am with them I enjoy being with them and I love them.  However, I will never have a close relationship with them again.  I simply cannot do that, not when they are still in contact with Harley and act like she has done nothing wrong. I will never be willing to go out of my way for them again. I don’t call.  I don’t confide.  I let Zack handle it. Honestly, I prefer to keep my distance because I’m afraid I’ll be sucked in if I get too close.

Can I accept the fact that I’ve been moved 2000 miles across the country to live in this Godforsaken town where I know almost no one?  Sure.  It’s reality.  I can pretend I don’t live here but what good would that do? I can pretend that we can go back to our former state but I know that we can’t.  Whose job is he going to take?  Especially when they just got a new GM and a new PM less than a year ago.  Where will we live?  Are we going to ask the new residents of our home to kindly move out because we’d like our house back?  No. If I’m being perfectly logical most newcomers to the area head over to two up and coming areas.  Our kids wouldn’t be going to school with their old friends; they’d be at a new school.  My daughter could go back to her old gym but she would be competing as a Level 8 once again, more than likely, and all of her former teammates would be 9s.  My son could play hockey again but he’s lost a year and he already started late so he’d be behind as well.  No, we are stuck here, at least for 7 years until they both have graduated from high school.  Then my husband can yank me away from my new life, and at the rate I’m going now that won’t be a bad thing. I’m so tired of hearing, “You need to get out there and meet people!  Volunteer! Take classes!”  Um, I’d love to meet people but that’s a little difficult when you’re 46 and not in school and don’t have a job. There are no classes to take. Quite honestly, I’m sick and tired of being the new person.  And volunteering?  Where would you suggest I volunteer?  The PTA?  They don’t seem to have many opportunities.  I’m supposed to go tonight for an after prom meeting where I will know no one and the woman in charge is going to ask me to solicit donations, which is something I absolutely hate to do. HATE IT! This gets me thinking that if everything PTA does needs to be funded with business donations I want no part in it. Oh, I also found out that I was sent an email to see if I wanted to volunteer at the book fair for the middle school.  It went to my junk mail and I didn’t get it until after the book fair was over. Lovely. I could go to a PTA meeting but again, I’m tired of putting myself out there.  I’m tired of being the new person.  I’m 46, for crying out loud!  My life should be settled.  I shouldn’t be scurrying around trying to find a whole new set of friends.

I tell myself to think back on all of our other moves.  OB was easy.  I had just turned 29 when we made the move. We went out with all of his co-workers.  And from that I became friends with some locals and they introduced us to other people. In the next state I started out by participating in an online group.  I got very lucky and those people met weekly.  I put myself out there and I joined their group. Gradually, other people joined in as well. Then, right before my daughter turned 2 I started going to church; when my son was an infant I volunteered to help in the nursery. A few months later I became a team leader in the nursery.  Gradually I did more. I became a small group leader.  I joined the meal team. I think when my son was around a year I joined MOPS.  I became part of the hospitality team with them.  I started a MOPS group at our church. I was there 6 years and it was gradual, but my calendar filled in.  Plus, it helped that I had family only 2 hours away. I think I found my online friends within the first 6-8 months. I was 31 when we moved back to State #2, just under 2 months before my 31st birthday. We moved a few months before I turned 38. In State #4 I think it began after I volunteered to join PTA.  It was about 5-6 months later.  The following year my daughter was competing so I made some friends that way. PTA just became a huge thing for me.  I met a ton of people that way.  And I met some people through my kids.  This time it just doesn’t seem as easy. I was 45 this time when I left. I’ve been here coming up on 8 months.  They have been the longest, loneliest 8 months of my life, I think. I don’t have online friends.  I don’t have a church. I don’t have PTA; it’s pretty much non-existent.  I certainly don’t have MOPS. My daughter competes alone most of the time. This next meet all of the girls meet together.  But here’s the thing:  most of the girls are young, like 10-11.  Their moms are young.  I don’t want to hang out with them.  I don’t need to be overrun with 30 somethings while I’m nearing death. I do have some parents I can sit with at the high school meets.  That’s nice.  But that’s it.  I know a few people on sight.  I’m still shocked when I run into someone I know at the grocery store because it happens so infrequently. I am grateful for the outpouring of support from the few people I do know when Zack was in the hospital.  Our neighbor called and offered to help with whatever we may need.  S offered to take my daughter to gymnastics.  C prayed for us and checked in on us, offering to run errands or bring a meal.  D took my daughter to gymnastics and grabbed food for both of my kids.  I felt very fortunate to have that help and those offers.

So, this is my reality.  I’m far from family.  I’m far from friends.  I’m not fitting in or finding a niche.  I really really hate it here.  I’ve booked tickets for me and Rock Star to go see the state gymnastics meet back in our former state at the end of the month.  I’m looking forward to that.  Can’t wait to be around friends again. Can’t wait to see all those cute little gymnasts that I get to cheer on for the first time this year.  I’ve missed this.

I’ll save Jezebel’s asinine comment about him deserving something better for later.

Oh Facebook, You Scamp!

December 2014

Am I the only sane one who finds something offensive and disturbing about this? My mother-in-law posts this, obviously about my husband, and his whore likes it and adds her own comments. Does she not understand she shouldn’t be liking anything that has to do with my husband? Does my supposedly loving mother-in-law not see anything inappropriate about her son’s whore liking something having to do with her son? I guess not. I continue to shake my head in amazement.

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Okay, in full disclosure this was not what was posted on Tammy Faye’s wall. But again, I haven’t yet learned how to do those cool black out bars so I just have to improvise.

In this same month I also got to see: Happy Anniversary. Love you guys! on their anniversary and Happy Birthday, Pastor Fake! I hope you have a wonderful day. I love you lots!

Present Day Sam Says: I wonder if she even bothers to comment on their pages now since she doesn’t have to convince them she loves them so much and she’s the better partner for him.

Probably. She and Jezebel both live their lives through Facebook. I don’t know what they would do if Facebook suddenly went offline. How would everyone know how perfect their lives are? How would everyone know how much they love everyone? How would they know about all their wonderful deeds. Whoops! Strike that one. They don’t really post about the things they’ve done for others. Only how much everyone does for them and how happy they are and how perfect their lives are.