That Time I Should Have Said, “No Way!” To Moving

June 2014

I’m only going to go down this road once. I haven’t talked to Zack yet and told him about her impending divorce. Because, let’s face it, I don’t KNOW with 100% certainty that that is a fact. Definitely high odds but not 100%- maybe 90-95%. But, I remember a year ago when I ignored all the signs and always came up with a bullshit excuse for why each thing was happening. I’m not going to do that this time.

The fact is my husband has been an emotional mess for months now. That could be just the way he is. Not an outrageous conclusion. It could be that he’s under a tremendous amount of stress carrying on an affair with his whore once again while also selling a house, moving closer to her, starting a new job, keeping me in the dark even as we look for houses, and realizing that even if his kids are close by they probably won’t want to have anything to do with him.

Another fact is that just as we’re moving 2000 miles across the country, a mere 6 hours from her, it looks like she and her husband are moving towards a divorce. Coincidence? I’d like to believe so. But I also wanted to believe it was a coincidence she blocked me from Facebook the day after Zack came home and found pictures of her all around the house. Oh, the explanations I came up with- maybe they’d still been in contact but now that he knew I knew he called it off and she blocked me in a fit of anger. Maybe it was an odd coincidence. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe they were fooling around still and he simply shared with her that her pictures were all over his house. Maybe he thought perhaps I suspected something. Maybe she blocked me because they were still fucking around and he told her about it and she wanted me to know that she was still present in my life, that he refused to give her up. BINGO!

She’s growing her hair longer. He likes long hair. I’ve kept cutting mine so that I don’t look like her.

I have a few positive signs. They don’t mean much in the end because I realize he was able to successfully lie to me for months last year. He tells me he loves me, like really loves me. He tells me how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how much he wants me. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me and I’m so wonderful and he’s nothing. He says he worries that I won’t move to our new state. That one can easily be explained by the kids. No momma means no kids. In short, he says all the right things. He makes me believe he realizes what a mistake he made and how grateful he is for a second chance. Makes me believe I’m the one and he’s madly in love with me. He’s even agreed to go to Florida with us.

His mom seems intent on re-establishing a relationship with me. Why would she do that if she knew I was history? But then again, she didn’t know before and she may not know now.

I didn’t see anything incriminating on his phone when I checked last time but surely he’s smart enough to delete that crap and any references to it. It looked like a perfectly innocent conversation with his sister. She did say they hadn’t been in contact so he’s not confiding any affair to her. I thought when he said his mess was self made he was referring to his past affair and how it influenced things today. But maybe his self made problems involve his on again affair with Harley. And there are other options besides mobile texting. SnapChat is perfect for that. The text or picture deletes itself in a few seconds.

My gut is not screaming like it did last year, but I’m not sure that means anything. I find it highly suspicious that she is getting divorced just as we are moving closer, which was part of their master plan. Move him closer. They have more chances to be together. I don’t know if he ever planned on leaving me to be with her.

On one hand I can’t deny what he told his nephew. On the other hand he says he never planned on divorcing me, that was all talk and it was all stupid fantasy. I think he wants to believe that now. But back then, in the heat of it all, I think he did want to leave and marry her. He might not have had it planned out, might not have been sure on how to a accomplish it, but I think he wanted to.

I guess the question now is how do you go from her being your soul mate, the one who makes you happy and you want to marry, to no, you’re the one I’ve always loved? I was stupid and wrong and it was all a big fantasy.

I’m sure the conversation won’t be easy. He’s going to feel like I can never trust him. Oh well, you cheat on your wife and that’s what happens. Maybe I’ll even be reigniting old passions. But, I’ve got to do it. Like I said, I ignored my instincts the last time. Ignored all warning signs. I’m not going to do that this time.

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Added two days later: I hate the fact that whenever a lot of time goes by and he hasn’t texted me I wonder if it’s because he’s busy texting her. I hate being even a little bit suspicious.

Present Day Sam Says: What I discovered when I talked to The Saint was that she was having another affair at this point. She is delightful, isn’t she?

Happy Birthday!

Blast From the Past 30

March 2014

Today is the whore’s birthday. She’s 42. Happy Birthday, Harley! This is your first birthday since fucking around with my husband. Hopefully at age 42 you’ll be wiser than you were at 41, although I doubt it. If you didn’t realize by age 41 that messing around with a married man wasn’t a good idea I’m not sure you’ll ever get it; Hell, I had enough common sense to not get involved with a married man at age 21.

Enjoy all your birthday wishes from friends and family. You seem to be loved by many although I do wonder if all those who are adoring you know about you and my husband. Maybe they don’t and your good name is still intact. Maybe they do but they don’t care because it wasn’t their husband (or wife, in the case of male friends). Maybe for the male friends it turns them on a little because now they know you’re willing to cheat. Bonus for them!

Enjoy celebrating with your husband and children. How was that you put it- your husband, the one man who has stood beside you through thick and thin, keeping vows that you couldn’t, and your children, the ones you hurt so deeply when they realized you were willing to destroy their lives for another woman’s husband? Honestly, I’m sure they’re glad you’re still around and no longer fucking around with my husband.

Happy Birthday, Harley! Enjoy it! You deserve it because you’re such a wonderful person. I think I’m going to remind Zack it’s your birthday and see if he’d like to wish you a happy birthday, too. Maybe all my in-laws can stop by your place with a cake and balloons and you can celebrate with them. I’m soooooooooo happy you were born!

Editor’s Note:  Turns out she’s still a dumb bitch!

When Your Horoscope Tells You To Cheat (Or Stop Cheating)

Blast From the Past 23

March 2014

This is what the whore posted not too long ago:

Aries (March 21-April 19)
The battles you’ve been waging these last ten months have been worthy of you. They’ve tested your mettle and grown your courage. But I suspect that your relationship with these battles is due for a shift. In the future they may not serve you as well as they have up until now. At the very least, you will need to alter your strategy and tactics. It’s also possible that now is the time to leave them behind entirely — to graduate from them and search for a new cause that will activate the next phase of your evolution as an enlightened warrior. What do you think?

She then says: I think it’s time to give them up entirely.

I immediately felt nauseous because I couldn’t help but feel she was talking about her affair with my husband. It leaves me wondering what is still going on. Is she still pining for him? Are they still in contact? Is this all a huge ruse to get me and the kids to our new state where he’ll then leave me for her? Or was she really that stupid that she thought he’d leave, so madly in love (BAER) that it’s still hard to imagine life without him, everything coming together so perfectly that she can’t give up on the fantasy?

I just find it fascinating that the horoscope speaks of her battles these last ten months and it’s been almost ten months exactly since they started up.

Editor’s Note: Well, she finally got him.  I wonder how she likes being his caretaker.  I wonder if his “PTSD” is as charming now as it was when she thought she would swoop in and rescue him.  I wonder if he is still her Prince Charming, her knight in shining armor, now that he’s unemployed and he’s going to be looking to her to help him pay the bills. If she truly does have a savior complex (and my mother doubts this) she is definitely getting her money’s worth. Did all those early battles prepare her for this?

Also, I should have filed this under Signs From the Universe and paid attention just a little more closely.  Who am I kidding?  I should have just kicked his worthless ass out!  She’s pining for him.  He was probably pining for her.  And still I agreed to move.

 

Unnumbered and Multiple Blasts From the Past

I believe I have shared already the purpose behind these Blasts From the Past.  #1 they’re great filler for when I’m not in the mood to write.  #2, and this is really the driving force, is my need to be totally honest about everything that precipitated CF’s physical affair with Harley and subsequent decision to leave us.  I don’t want to portray myself as a completely innocent person who never had a bad thought. Yet, honestly I don’t see any of this stuff that I wrote previously as being so horrible.  I look at it as the normal ramblings of a person who was betrayed and then asked to move across the country, closer to the whore.  I have second guessed myself so many times because of this.  There is still that thought that if he had never discovered this we would still be married.  My life would still be the same.  My kids wouldn’t have to recreate themselves yet again.  So I put this out here in the hopes that people, unbiased people, will chime in and tell me, “Sam, dude was crazy, narcissistic, entitled, self-important…. You didn’t drive him crazy.  You didn’t cause this downward spiral he was determined to be on.”

My mother herself said this to me just the other day.  She said reading through that she didn’t see anything that would lead to him being devastated and losing his mind.  There was nothing about me constantly saying I was going to leave him or that I hated him.  Sure, I said I didn’t necessarily trust him and I didn’t like being made to jump through hoops when he was the one that fucked up, but there was nothing terrible in all of this.  So, I went back through the beginning and decided to offer up a few more ramblings.  I want to be thorough.  I will be printing almost all of my previous entries.  What isn’t being printed right now are pictures of her and the various memes that either meant something to me, or that she liked and would put up on her FB page.  I’m letting everything else hang out.  Time to blast off to the past!

November 2013

Everyone is doing this ridiculous 30 days of thanks. I guess I should come up with 5 things. Let’s see….

1. I’m thankful for the whore that messed around with my husband because it made him realize he really did love me. Thanks, Harley Buttwipe Whoreface!

2. I’m thankful that I have been blessed with seeing my in-laws’ true colors. Whores before wives!

3. I’m thankful I have the ability to protect my kids from fake relatives.

4. I’m thankful that I have dogs because dogs seem to be more loyal than people these days. Or maybe it’s always been that way.

5. I’m thankful this is #5 and I don’t have to come up with another bullshit item I’m grateful for.

November 2013 

What do you call a married woman who sends a married man (not her husband) naked pictures of herself? Harley! (My husband’s whore will also work as an answer.)

November 2013

Today I discovered something I truly am thankful for. I’m thankful I don’t have to make it through any major holidays thinking about them being “together”. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day may be shot (we’ll see) but I don’t have to look back and think, “They were together at this time last year.” There are many affairs that go on for months and years so I’m thankful my husband lost his mind for only a few short months so I don’t have to force myself to get through holiday after holiday, knowing it’s tainted by his whore.

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Added December 2013: Yeah, I’m pretty sure those holidays are shot for me. I will, however, be getting a gift every August 14th and maybe even every October 23rd. Haven’t decide yet if I’m going to make him buy it for me or if I’ll just pick something nice and expensive up for myself.

December 2013

One thing I hear often is that the husband gets off easy while the OW is vilified. I’ve been giving that some thought, wondering if my husband has been punished, too. I think he has. He was in complete anguish the first few days, not knowing if I would come home or not. He said he was fully prepared to get in the car and drive 1500 miles to bring me back home. When I have a bad day he worries still that I will leave him or kick him out. He knows that because of what he did his children and I will never again be around his family. For the rest of his life, if he chooses to remain married to me, he will need to live two separate lives- the one he shares with us, and the one he shares with his family of origin. He has shown remorse for what he has done. He lives with a certain amount of fear that I will never forget, never let him forget, what he did. She’s not remorseful. She doesn’t give a damn about the pain and humiliation she inflicted. If he had left us she would be happily planning her wedding now, never looking back. He looks back on what he did and calls it temporary insanity, says he should have bought a motorcycle instead. So no, he’s not getting off easy. I’m getting a Galaxy tablet, a 2 1/2 carat diamond, and maybe even a nice expensive purse out of his indiscretion. He’s definitely paying- both monetarily and emotionally. Nothing I call her, nothing I do in regards to her, will ever come close to what I’ve done to him without even trying.

Editor’s Note:  I got 2 out of 3- no new diamond for me.  Rats!  But rumor has it he bought one for her.

December 2013

Oh, this is so ironic. And bold. She’s pretty much telling all of her friends and family about her affair.

A friend posted this poem this morning, thank you

“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

― Warsan Shire

Editor’s Note:  This is four months after CF supposedly ended things with her.  Four months later and she’s still pining for him. But it’s fine that CF’s family are up her ass constantly.  It’s fine that she’s up their asses constantly, too.  I just needed to let go of the past and focus on the future.

December 2013

I find it funny that only four months ago my husband was her soul mate, her true love whom she wished to marry and start a new life with, and now she can’t sing her own husband’s praises enough. Oh look at this, husband! Oh husband, I want that! Oh he takes such great care of me. Yada, yada, yada. Sounds like someone is trying just a bit too hard to convince everyone she has this perfect marriage.

December 2013

My mother-in-law has joined Facebook. She sent a request to me and my daughter. I waited before confirming. When I went to check back later I saw she was friends with the whore. Guess I won’t be accepting that friend request. And neither will my kid.

Who does that? Honestly. Do you really think it’s appropriate to be friends with your granddaughter, your son’s wife, and your son’s whore? SMH

December 2013

These past few days have been hard. I think our anniversary has triggered something. Some days I feel like we really are better than we have been in years, but then that feeling makes me so angry. I remember saying to him, after he told me I knew he hadn’t been happy in a very long time, “So you thought going outside of the marriage was going to make it better?” And yet time and time again you hear that said. Our marriage is better than ever. It just pisses me off lately. I feel pathetic and weak. Who in their right mind stays after being betrayed? Who brags about how much better their marriage is after her husband’s betrayal? It seems wrong and I just want to scream. I envision people in his family commenting on how happy we seem and I see myself replying sarcastically, “Oh yeah, I tell all my friends now if their marriage is in a rut their husband should go off and have an affair. Does a marriage a world of good!”

Today was the first time since I learned they had told each other they loved one another that I felt like maybe I couldn’t do this afterall. I’ve watched as she interacts with family members on FB. This most recent one has no idea, but it was the realization that for everyone she’s still this beloved family member. They don’t care what she did. She’s their beloved Harley and they don’t care that she spent the summer having an affair with my husband. They don’t care that she sent him naked pictures all summer long. They don’t care my husband left our house every morning and immediately texted her good morning and then proceeded to talk on the phone with her every day on his (their) drive to work. That he would leave early on the weekends to “get coffee”, which was really just an excuse to escape the house so he could talk to her. They don’t care that I confronted him in June about a week after our daughter’s birthday because the whore had blocked me. He lied. He lied through his teeth and said he had no idea why, that he hadn’t contacted her, that they had had no plans to meet up. Lies! And even after he told me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, because he was so engulfed in their “love” and all of her sexual overtures, I still said I wasn’t giving up; I thought we could be better than ever. And so he spent the next two and a half months perpetuating the lies and humiliating me. Texting her every morning, calling her every morning, texting and sexting all day long while at work. And then coming home and letting me throw myself at him. Letting me drag my ass out into the hot garage, listening to rap music, all just to be closer to him, to reinvest in us. Letting me try to please him and show him I loved him and believed in us. And then the next morning he was texting the whore. Good morning. I’ve escaped from the clutches of my horrible wife. I’m yours for the rest of the day. And she would tell him how much she wanted to suck his dick, how much she wanted him to fuck her, how she didn’t really care for anal sex but if he wanted it she would give up her ass to him. And of course how much she loved him and wanted a future with him.

I remember sending him naughty pictures. She was, too. I remember shyly modeling sexy lingerie for him. That was the weekend he got back from the wedding. The weekend he planned on taking her with him to get his tattoo. The weekend he was going to introduce his nephew to his future wife and have him tattoo a sparrow on her foot to symbolize their love.

I have all of this to contend with and still she remains their beloved Harley. They won’t disengage. They won’t unfriend her. She remains in their lives, commenting, making her presence known. And now I have to decide if I can live the rest of my life with that.

Do I leave this man with whom I have spent the last 19 1/2 years? Do I destroy my children’s lives, turn them upside down, tear them away from everything they’ve ever known? Am I biting off my nose to spite my face? I honestly don’t know if I can live with her shadow in my life always, everywhere. I’m going to wait out the holidays and see how I feel after Christmas.

Editor’s Note:  This was the first time I ever made mention of possibly not being able to remain married.  I only said it one other time, a year later, after I realized he was throwing me under the bus to the Jezebel.  Every time it happened it would happen around our anniversary.  I’m not going to apologize for that.  Our anniversary was always a tough time.

December 2013

Pissing myself I’m laughing so hard. She talks about her son’s reaction to The Nutcracker and how he was disgusted by their short skirts. Someone chimes in that his comments were due to the value system he had been taught. Are you kidding me? His mother is a whore who fucks around with married men! She was willing to rip her kids’ lives apart for the fantasy life she had created with another woman’s husband. Value system my ass.

December 2013

I just received a phone call from my mother-in-law. Received as in she called but I didn’t answer. She left a message and told me she wanted to talk to me for a few minutes. I texted the husband and asked why she had called. To reconnect apparently. Isn’t that sweet? Why don’t you go reconnect with Harley? Oh wait, that’s right. You’ve been doing that all along.

He told me I didn’t have to talk to her and he’d tell her to stop calling. But I envision what I would say. I wouldn’t call, of course. I’d text so I could save it for posterity.

Should I do short and sweet? There is no need for us to talk. I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who continues to associate with my husband’s whore. You friended her on Facebook, you fawn over her and tell her how pretty she is, you continue to associate with her knowing she was the whore that carried on an affair with your son all summer long. You continue to treat her like she has done nothing wrong instead of like the whore who almost destroyed your grandchildren’s lives. We have nothing to say to one another.

Or do I go with the longer version where I discuss the naked pictures and all the sexting and lies, the sparrow tattoo, and the fact that they were claiming to be in love with one another and planning a future, with my husband going so far as to tell his nephew he was going to marry the whore?

Decisions, decisions.

December 2013

Final post of the day. I said I would wait until the holidays were over before I made any decisions since our anniversary was definitely bringing up bad vibes. Holidays aren’t completely over; we still have New Years to get through. But I am feeling much better. I once again think we can make it through. We are eying a possible move, a move that six months ago I was dead set against. Who the hell moves closer to her husband’s whore? This new state isn’t as friendly to mothers as my current state is but it is pro mom. I’m taking a leap of faith here and if I get burned I fully intend to use the nuclear option. Hopefully that won’t be necessary. So hooray, divorce has been squelched once again. Can’t promise it won’t change again but for now we’re doing Ok.

December 2013

Great! We share the same anniversary month. Yesterday she celebrated 16 years with him. I wonder if the anniversary brought up bad feelings for him, too. I notice he didn’t reply on FB. Is she happy? Does she mourn the loss of her “soul mate”? Was it a happy celebration, or did they just go through the motions? Honestly, I don’t care. I don’t care if she’s happy. I don’t care if she’s sad. I wish it would all go away.
Added January 2014: And then she shares the day of the month of her anniversary with my birthday. Well aren’t we just cosmic twins? No wonder she felt so entitled to my husband.

December 2013

New Year’s Eve. Last day of 2013. I sure hope 2014 is better. Or at least whore free. And hey, maybe I’ll be able to put this all behind me and forgive and forget. I’ll renew relationships with my traitorous in-laws. I’ll be completely healed and never give the whore another minute of thought. Wow- I am really putting a lot of pressure on the new year.

A Conversation With Rock Star

“Mom, do YOU think he’s crazy?”

I pause, giving great thought to this question my daughter has just asked.  She has already freely said she believes her dad is legitimately crazy.  She’s not a psychiatrist though so I’m not sure how much stock to put into her diagnosis.  After weighing my words carefully I give her my answer.

“No, I don’t think he’s crazy.  I think he’s living in a fantasy world.  I don’t know for certain where he’s working but I do know his big dream was to work side by side with his best friend.  He once told me he should have taken the job at Best Friend’s plant when Best Friend tried to get him to come work with him and that was one of his biggest regrets.  If I had to bet I would place money on the fact that Best Friend managed to get him a job at his company and they are now working together.  So he thinks he has his dream job and he thinks he has his dream woman.”

She turns up her nose at that comment.  I can’t say that I blame her.  But he does. I don’t tell her this part but he thinks that Harley and her performance are the real thing.  She loves him for who he is and she would never be with him for the money.  Oh no!  That was the evil, awful Sam who stuck around for the money.  Harley is going to be the perfect mate.  She’ll text him every time she takes a shit and let him know all about it.  She’ll tell him how handsome he is and coo over every little thing he does.  Best of all, every weekend it’s nonstop sex!

Here’s the thing.  I’m sure that for a period of time, maybe even a decent period of time, this will play out just fine.  He will live far enough away from her that he can’t live with her, thereby giving him four days to decompress and do whatever he wants.  Then for 3 days (2 1/2 if we want to be technical) he puts on his Dad of the Year/Companion of the Year mask and is all smiles and grand gestures.  When things start to bother him it’s time to return back to his home where he can chill in front of the television, drink some wine, and not have to deal with anyone.  He doesn’t have to help her get kids to activities.  He doesn’t have to help with homework.  He doesn’t have any of the daily grind you have when you actually live with someone day after day.  But eventually the newness will wear off.  It’s also quite possible that he will find out sooner, rather than later, that the love of his life is cheating on him.  Ouch! Again, not things I say out loud to her.

I do go on to tell her that I think eventually his perfect fantasy life is going to implode.  His best friend has switched companies quite a few times and I don’t see them staying at the same company, together, for another fifteen to twenty years.  I also don’t see Cousinfucker taking it too well when and if Best Friend becomes his boss.  I also don’t see Best Friend taking it too well if the situation was reversed.  I think they have this vision of what life is going to be like, them working together, and I don’t think reality is going to play out anywhere close to this dream of theirs.  They are two alpha males and I see them either clashing with one another, or them trying to take down their boss, which probably won’t go over well with him.  Even if my theory that he’s working with Best Friend is incorrect and he’s actually working somewhere completely different the same rules apply.  He will love it at first and then when he doesn’t get to dictate every single thing he’s going to begin pouting and decide he hates it.  Only now he’s stuck.

What I say to her in summation is that once the newness of his relationship wears off and he realizes what kind of a person Harley is, and once he realizes that working with Best Friend isn’t the dream he believes it will be, I think he is going to look back at everything he has given up- his wife of over 20 years, his two kids, a job that he’s held for more than 15 years, and he’s going to realize how severely he has screwed himself.

At this point in my “journey” I’m not sure if I’d rather see that day arrive and smirk knowingly, gleeful at his misery, or if I would prefer to truly not give a damn and just be able to shake my head and say, “Sucks to be you.”  Only time will tell, I suppose.

Is My New Lawyer Psychic?

I saw another lawyer last week.  I liked her and I decided to switch.  I have many reasons for making the switch but key among them would be communication and the fact that I think my previous attorney botched my case.  Not an all out, Oh my God, I’m ruined, kinda botched.  But he definitely did not do me any favors or get me the best deal possible.

First interesting moment of the conversation with her was when she told me that everything in the court order is modifiable.  And there is a lot I’d like to see modified.  The funny part though is due to Cousinfucker quitting his job and leaving the state I now have a material change in circumstances.  Of course, I can be granted anything by the court but it doesn’t mean shit if he’s going to defy the court order or believes he’s untouchable because he’s out of state.  He probably thought he was going to screw me by getting everything excluded from his annual salary except his base pay and then turning around and getting a new job with a potentially higher base pay, even if the bonuses aren’t as good.  He thought he would screw me by promising half of his bonus check and to pay off the pool with that money and then leaving his job and doing neither of those two things.  Turns out the joke’s on him because with him taking this new job I can now go back and ask to have support re-evaluated.  And this time, when he has to throw in extra to cover marital debt my attorney is going to have that excluded from spousal support.  It will show up as a contribution to the marital debt, which it is, instead of as spousal support to me.  And as far as the bonus check is concerned I still have hope that he actually received it before leaving his company, but if he didn’t I would love to drag his ass before a judge and have him explain why he agreed to something only to turn around and voluntarily resign from his job no more than six weeks later.

The second moment was when the lawyer told me she was concerned for his mental well being.  She said there were a lot of red flags coming up for her and she was very concerned that he was going to have a complete mental breakdown, especially when Harley dumps him.  I explained that two years ago when he was confiding in Jezebel about his affair he told her that Harley made him happy and I remarked that according to Harley he is Daddy of the Year and she’s never been happier.  This is where it begins to get really interesting.

She looked at me and said, “Are you really going to take her word for it?  She’s a married woman with four kids having an affair with her cousin.  He’s a paycheck to her, a sugar daddy.”

Wow!  Here is a woman who has never met me, Cousinfucker or Harley and yet she has said the exact same thing that I have said, that family members have said.  I’ll admit that sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong and that she’s not the real love of his life.  I wonder if I say she’s just a gold digging whore to make myself feel better.  But here is a woman who has seen many, many divorces over the years.  She’s been doing this a long time.  And she has made the same observation.  In many ways it’s validation.  I continue to wrestle with the idea that this is not my fault.  Rationally I know it is not.  But in my insane moments (yes, I do have those!) I keep coming back to the old, “What if I didn’t do this?  What if I did that?  Maybe I should have done this.”  This lady put it all in perspective.  I am correct!  He’s a paycheck to Harley.  She’s a desperate, gold digging mother of four who has found a sugar daddy.  I’m hoping to help him run out of sugar quite soon.

The other thing she said that really resonated was I am the one that kept him grounded.  She had already told me how there were a lot of red flags for her when I told her my story.  She then mentioned that he has this nice little fantasy life going on and once things crumble she’s not sure he’s going to be able to keep it together.  She is very worried that he will end up having a complete breakdown and lose his job.  As she put it (and I’m going to paraphrase here):  When things come crashing down you’re not going to be there to help put them back together this time.  And I have a feeling you were that person- you kept it all going, even if he refuses to acknowledge it.  Again, I have to pump my fist and shout, “Yes!”

I was indeed that person.  I don’t think he has any idea how much bullshit I put up with in order to keep things going.  I took care of the house, the pets, the kids, him.  I cooked.  I cleaned.  I did his laundry.  The man never had to put away his own clothes for crying out loud!  I washed them, dried them, folded them, and put them away!  He never had to wash a dish.  He was the pampered king.  When he would freak out over something small and insignificant I was the one being the soothing voice of reason.  I was the one who would take charge, make the phone calls, get the job done, and interact with the people.  When he got sick I was the one taking care of him, calling the doctor’s office, taking him to the doctor’s or the ER, sitting with him, running interference for him.  In short, I was awesome.  He no longer has me around to do all of those things.  I can’t be certain but I have a definite feeling that Harley is not going to do those things either.  She’s in it for the money, the good times, the attention.  She is not going to be eager to deal with the real him and she’s certainly not going to be standing by him if he ever loses his job and spirals down into a heap of self pity.

So now in addition to being left after twenty plus years, abandoned in a new town that he insisted we move to, him deserting his two children, and him quitting his job and moving out of state I also get to wait for the inevitable breakdown.  I’ve gotta be honest here.  I’m kinda looking forward to it on the one hand.  On the other hand, he’s not going to be of any use to me in a psych ward, or as an alcoholic who can’t keep a job.  It’s a real quandary, I tell you.  I’d love to see him suffer (hey, I’m only human!) but I’m beginning to think that if he suffers the kids and I will suffer as well.  What to do…. What to do….

Welcome to the Jungle, Part 3

Note:  This is the third part of the story.  Here is Part 1, and here is Part 2.  As always, I am as truthful as the information given to me.  Some information is thanks to Google, some due to her husband, and some I have directly experienced.

Harley’s bio will be brief.  She’s been arrested at least 3 times according to my Google search- once for writing bad checks, once for failure to appear, and the third arrest is a mystery.  I have no idea why she was in that time.  Her husband has pretty much accused her of being an alcoholic and says she has a savior complex.  She is going to be getting her money’s worth with Cousinfucker.  Her husband also said she was sending “inappropriate pictures” to the neighbor this past summer.  This neighbor was quite perturbed when she began a full fledged affair with my husband but they are now once again “friends”.  I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she’s sending him “inappropriate” pictures once again. Oh yes, and she is, according to her husband, still having sex with him.  Isn’t she just the cutest thing ever?

Harley’s most favorite thing to do besides screw married men, is to block people on Facebook. She blocked me the first time around when Cousinfucker came back from Jezebel’s wedding.  He told her about the pictures I had around the house.  She told him she thought that was strange and then promptly blocked me.  After DDay I remember telling CF that blocking me was a stupid move because it put her on my radar.  Gradually I came to realize that was exactly the purpose.  I believe she blocked me hoping to incite a divorce.  I think she figured once she blocked me I would realize they were still involved and I would either be so livid I would throw him out, or I would confront him and demand that he choose between us and he would, of course, choose her.

This last time she set her sights on my daughter.  Rock Star (my new name for my daughter) laid into her dad because of Harley’s insipid message on Facebook about missing him.  He defended the whore and Rock Star ended up sending him a screenshot of her rambling.  He must have said something to the whore because she ultimately ended up blocking my child so that she could no longer see what was being written and “tattle” to her dad.

Looking back on their first affair and her subsequent actions I believe Harley is a manipulative, deceptive, gold digging whore.  As Rock Star says about her Facebook page:  It’s like she wants a Twitter account but doesn’t know how to operate it.  Rock Star has actually said she sometimes felt like she was reading a high school mean girl’s Facebook page back in those days before the whore blocked her.  I did a little research and found out that she didn’t start communicating in earnest with any of Zack’s family until after he dumped her the first time.  After that she couldn’t comment on pages enough.  She was everybody’s friend and she was always front and center.  And now, since the exhumation of this great romance, she has added on pretty much all the family members on Cousinfucker’s father’s side of the family. Let’s add attention whore to her resume, shall we?  My favorite part, though, was finding out from Tammy Faye that Harley had called her and checked on her several times after Zack dumped her the first time.  What a brazen bitch!

Here are some more priceless gems from Harley: The first time she and Zack were involved she kept leaving her phone out so that it would be found by her husband.  Now, I don’t know that she intentionally, or even subconsciously, left it out, but how stupid do you have to be to get caught TWICE?  Once again, I think she was hoping her husband would do her dirty work.  The second time she was discovered (again, still the first time they were involved) Zack asked her what she was going to do since her husband (I shall call him The Saint) knew they were involved again.  Harley’s loving response:  I’m not going to do anything.  I don’t care if he knows.

Much like Zack lied to her about his marriage and how awful and evil I am Harley has lied to him about The Saint.  Now, keep in mind this is a story Zack shared with me when we were “reconciling”.  She apparently told him that The Saint, a stay at home dad for over ten years, had put her into bankruptcy three times. I would bet money this came about when Zack was whining about how I spent all of his money.  When DDay #2 came along and The Saint was willing to talk to me I asked him point blank if that was true. Was poor, little Harley working 60-80 hours a week, working her poor whorish little fingers to the bone while that big bad Saint recklessly spent her money?  Turns out, according to him, they filed bankruptcy once- because a business they started up failed.  I again, point blank, asked him, “So you weren’t out there spending all her money, putting her in the poorhouse?”  He laughed and told me Harley didn’t even know what a budget was and that she and their daughter spent money like it was water.  I guess that explains the arrest for writing bad checks!  And why she was so eager to get down on her knees and suck her cousin’s dick.  She’s going to make all of her and her kids’ dreams come true, one blow job at a time, all the while managing to stay out of jail!

 

Why I Don’t Talk to Him

I really wish I had a better title for this, but I don’t. I have received a lot of crap from people, mainly family, about me not going out of my way to confront Cousinfucker.  My brother once declared, “This is going to the quietest divorce in history.”  Yes, it may be.  But is that a bad thing?

I’m going to try to explain why I haven’t yelled and screamed and otherwise confronted him.

  1. I’m not a big confrontational person.  Oh, believe me, I can get crazy stupid when I’ve been pushed but that doesn’t happen too often.  I’m usually very good at being able to ignore it and walk away.  I couldn’t confront him when I first found out because I was getting my ducks lined up so I couldn’t let on I knew.  And after I did confront him I was asked if I was still going to make spaghetti.  I’ll admit; that one left me (and the lawyer) speechless.
  2. When I have had more than I can take then I am simply done with you or with the situation.  Some people have this need to confront the person, to let them know what they’ve done wrong or how they’ve hurt them; they want to make them feel bad, or perhaps have them apologize.  I don’t.  My only concern is in getting out of a toxic situation or away from a toxic person.  I don’t care if you understand.  I don’t care if you agree.  I don’t care if you think you’re still right and I’m wrong.  I don’t care if you think I’m being ridiculous.  I don’t care if I’ve changed your mind or made you feel guilty or put you in your place.  I’m. Done.  Once I reach that point it is far better if we simply part ways because I am now officially in “Crazy, Stupid” territory.
  3. They don’t care!  I have no doubt that Cousinfucker would not give a single fuck if I yelled at him until I was hoarse.  I am equally sure that Harley has absolutely no shame and does not care at all about the destruction she has helped cause.  Me yelling and screaming at CF will do nothing.  He’s not suddenly going to say, “Sam, you are so right!  I have been acting like a giant ass!  What can I do to make it up to you and the kids?”  Why waste my breath?  As I said, it will do nothing except….
  4. Feed his ego!  OK, that should probably be a full sentence but it’s not.  Here’s a full sentence for you.  Yelling and screaming at him just feeds his ego.  It tells him he still gets to me.  He is still important.  He still has some power over me.  From reading Chump Lady I have learned that one of the worst things you can do for this type of person is ignore him/her.  I refuse to give him the satisfaction of thinking he still gets to me.  I’m not above making a snarky comment, and I have no problem pushing him on things, like pointing out in a straight forward manner that if he’s got money to blow on Harley’s kids then he’s got money to spend on his own kids!  But aside from that I will not engage.  He is nothing to me and I don’t wish to be the one feeding his ego.  Let Harley do that; he’s her problem now.
  5. Right from Chump Lady’s handbook:  I refuse to be the hypotenuse to their triangle!  You’ve probably all heard the dangers of trying to stand in the way of young love and how it just makes them want to be together even more.  It’s the same with cheater love.  They need to feel like it’s them against the world (or at least me).  If I’m yelling and screaming, tossing his crap out onto the lawn, calling up his boss, and pulling a Carrie Underwood on his car then it’s very easy to triangulate this three person relationship.  They’re in it against me.  As an added bonus he can point to my behavior and say:  See?  I told you she was crazy (mean, uncaring, unloving, whatever unflattering adjective he can find).  Look at what all I have to put up with!  Isn’t she just awful?  This way they are left in their relationship with only each other.  They can’t ever say that things will get better once his crazy ex-wife stops harassing them because the crazy ex-wife has never been part of the picture.  If their relationship takes a crap (and seeing as how she is supposedly still sleeping with her husband I can definitely see where things might go wrong) they will have to examine their own actions because it won’t be anything I’ve said or done.  They are two fucked up individuals; he is a miserable human being who will never be happy and is an entitled shit eating chimp that is constantly changing the goal posts on what will make him happy.  She, on the other hand, is a deceitful, manipulative, gold digging white trash whore.  They are both lying liars who lie and cheating cheaters who cheat.  It’s only a matter of time before this house of cards comes crashing down.  As long as I’m out of the picture they’ve got to deal with one another and not focus on me.
  6. Finally, actions speak louder than words.  It’s good advice when wondering whether you should reconcile with your spouse who says he/she is sorry.  It’s also good advice when dealing with a spouse you’re divorcing.  I’m keeping my mouth shut and not giving away anything.  Instead of yelling and screaming at him, telling him what an utterly worthless piece of pig shit he is I simply filed for divorce, and am making him pay a lot of spousal and child support.  I’m not sure anything gets the message across quite like being served with divorce papers.

Let’s All Praise Jesus- Harley is Happy!

 

I don’t do a lot of pain shopping anymore.  I did the first time around.  I was obsessed.  I told myself I was keeping an eye on her so I would be prepared. And to a certain extent I think that was true.  I questioned why she would be praying for my husband when he was hospitalized.  I wondered why she suddenly had such a philanthropic bent towards soldiers with PTSD.  But it didn’t fully prepare me.  And honestly, a lot of it was because she was so stupid with the shit she would say.  It was easy to make fun of her.  Hell, it’s still easy to make fun of her.  But for some reason, this time around when I found out I was just done.  I don’t give a shit what she’s doing or what she’s posting or how her “wonderful, blessed” life is playing out.  I know she’s a lying, deceitful, manipulative, white trash whore.  According to her own husband they’re still sleeping together.  I say, “Ha ha, Cousinfucker.  What did you expect?”  I knew he wasn’t her first rodeo.  Hell, I knew he wasn’t going to be her last rodeo!  And if someone had asked me to place a bet I would bet he wasn’t going to be her *only* rodeo.  So there!

Anyway, back to pain shopping.  For those of you who don’t know what that is it refers to looking for/at things that are going to hurt you or bring you pain.  I originally thought it was actual shopping done out of anger and hurt.  I was so wrong.  It’s looking for shit that is going to bring you pain.  Interacting with the OW.  Sending emails or texts.  Confronting her.  Looking up the OW’s Facebook page, Twitter feed, Instagram, Pinterest… whatever you may have access to.  I guess you could even add on mutual friend’s accounts as well, if those pages/feeds are going to give you ammunition with which you will hurt yourself.  None of that for me anymore.  Or at least not much.  I’m human; I get curious.

I think it was around Thanksgiving.  I wanted to see if she had given me any more ammunition for my divorce hearing (or so I told myself).  The answer was no, she hadn’t, although she did have a new profile picture up and I got to see all of my former in-laws gushing all over the whore.  “You’re so pretty!”  “You’re beautiful!”  “You can suck a golf ball through a garden hose!”  OK, that last one wasn’t on there.  That was me being mean.  My STBX-MIL tells her that she just keeps looking better and better.  That’s funny because my daughter says she looks about 50 (no offense to those of you who are 50; my daughter is 15 and thinks anyone over the age of 20 is old) even though she’s actually younger than I am and she’s constantly saying how ugly she thinks her father’s mistress is.  Maybe it’s because my daughter sees her personality and that plays a large part.  Regardless, after my STBX-MIL gushes all over this waste of human skin she replies back that it’s because she’s happy.

Oh joy!  Harley is happy!  Well, we can all breathe a sigh of relief now, can’t we?  The whore is happy!  Apparently she is happy with a part time lover, a man who lives hours away from her and can’t spend the day to day with her.  She’s happy fucking a married man, knowing without a doubt that he is married and has kids.  She’s happy despite the fact that the supposed love of her life has no relationship with his kids and they hate him due to this happiness inducing relationship.  That doesn’t bother her.  She’s happy spending weekends only with this piece of shit and watching him drive back to his wife, his kids, his home.  Perhaps that is part of the allure:  They get to keep the fantasy alive because he’s NOT there day in and day out.  She doesn’t have to do his laundry, make his dinner, put up with his mood swings.  And he doesn’t have to help with the day to day chores of taking care of FOUR kids.  Hell, he couldn’t manage two and they were his.  It’s all sex and “I’m so happy to see you!”  Yeah, because you only have to deal with him on a very limited basis.  Plus, you’re fucking other men.  Yes, Harley is happy.  Happy, happy, happy with this whole fucked up arrangement.

Hey, do you wanna know who isn’t happy, Harley?  Not that you care, of course, you flaming turd shot straight out of Satan’s ass (again, thank you Chump Princess, commenter from Chump Lady).  Your lover’s kids aren’t happy.  Yeah, you heard me.  They’re not happy.  I know you don’t give a shit about them.  Asking CF how he thought you would all get along was about as far as your concern extended, and when you realized, you pus sucking whore, that my kids would have NOTHING to do with you, you wrote them off.  More for you.  More for your kids, the ones who take money that should be going to my kids, and then trash talk him behind his back.  You couldn’t care less about my kids and what you and Daddy Dearest took from them.  My daughter was on track to be a college gymnast and her father killed those dreams with his (and your) selfish desire to get us across the country.  My son had to abandon the only sport he really loved along with playing the cello, also something he really loved.  Again, so dear daddy could get in your pants more easily. Do you want to know who else isn’t happy?  Me!  I’m not happy.  I’m not happy that my selfish, entitled, PTSD-faking waste of oxygen couldn’t sack up two years ago and leave with your lying, slutty ass and instead chose to lie and deceive and systematically dismantle my life and those of my children.  Here are some more people who aren’t happy:  My mother, my brother (who incidentally loved CF like his own brother), my sister-in-law, my nieces, my nephews, my friends from Utah who are beyond pissed that he moved us all away only to abandon us, my high school besties, my mom’s friends, our neighbors, the kids’ teachers…. I could go on and on.

Oh, but YOU are happy.  Yes, that is the most important thing.  Never mind that YOUR happiness came at our expense.  Never mind that despite how happy you supposedly are you’re still screwing your husband (according to him, of course).  I’m sure your children are all happy, too.  Then again, my husband is throwing boatloads of money at you and at them, buying them anything and everything they want, while neglecting his own children.  Your kids don’t have to worry about moving or changing schools.  Your daughter isn’t going to have to worry about attending her senior year at a different high school.  I’m sure your daughter isn’t having anxiety attacks all the time and none of your sons are crying because they hate where they live, thanks to my husband and the two of you conspiring.  Oh, no!  Things are all coming up roses for you and your bunch!  It’s only me and my children who are paying the price for your happiness.  Yes, you see, Cousinfucker can buy an expensive purebred dog for your four kids while he couldn’t be bothered to give me enough money to pay for dog food and cat food for the pets we already have.  He can’t seem to come up with $80-$100 for a Homecoming dress for his own daughter and yet he can somehow spend over $300 on a dress for your daughter.  Interesting.

Yes, it’s very interesting how you and everyone in his fucked up family concentrate solely on his and possibly your happiness while ignoring everything else around them.  No one can seem to put two and two together and rationalize that, “Hey, maybe that’s the reason his kids are pissed, and Sam has nothing to do with it!”  You are such a disgusting, gold-digging piece of white trash that you don’t even care that your “happiness” is being achieved at the expense of your lover’s children.  Of course you don’t; you’re out to get everything you can.  Hey, I guess if he doesn’t care about them, why should you, huh?

In the spirit of the not so distant Christmas season I have this wish for you, Harley:  May you get EVERYTHING you so richly deserve.  And Cousinfucker, may you, too, get EVERYTHING you so richly deserve.  Much HAPPINESS to you both!

You Kept Him Sane For Twenty Years

I have always loved the irony of his sister declaring that he deserved better than me.  Yes, I was wrong and crazy and she was so sorry he was so miserable.  She begged him to leave me.  Begged him!

Let’s see- he has been a fairly shitty father and partner.  He’s been more interested in watching television than in participating in our lives.  He sucks all of the oxygen out of the room with HIS needs and all others can go fuck themselves.  He’s got “anxiety issues” and “PTSD” and “social anxiety”.  Oh hey, let’s add excessive drinking to the list now.

I spent holidays alone.  I made cross country trips with the kids all by myself.  I took our kids to see his side of the family. I took care of 99% of anything having to do with the kids- school drop offs and pick ups, extracurriculars drop offs and pick ups, conferences, homework, signing papers and logs, writing checks for lunch money and pictures.  You name it, I did it. I fixed his plate for him every night.  I made breakfast every weekend, or at the very least I would run out to get something.  The few times I would go out with friends I made dinner for him or picked something up for him instead of making him fend for himself and the kids.  I did his laundry. I hung his damn clothes up and put the rest of them away.  I shopped for clothes for him.  I made his doctor’s appointments, psychiatrist appointments, therapy appointments, and went to them with him.  I picked up his prescriptions.  I took in his dry cleaning.  I spent countless hours in the hospital with him because, you know, every illness was a major disaster.  I moved all over this country for him, supporting him in his career.  I was his biggest cheerleader.  Did I forget something?  Oh yes!  He CHEATED ON ME WITH HIS COUSIN!

But somehow he deserves better.  I am the one doing him wrong.  Perhaps I didn’t put his food on his favorite plate.  Perhaps I didn’t use the laundry detergent he preferred.  Hell, I suppose my biggest fault was that I simply did not and would not pretend that he hadn’t done what he did!  How DARE I not forget his “little” emotional affair?  How dare I continue to be hurt by the fact that his entire family was stabbing me in the back?  How dare I?

This is the funny part.  After twenty years with this guy I had come to believe I owned part of this, that perhaps there was something I could have done differently.  Currently, there have been many times I wondered if there were things I could have done differently (like not moving my ass across the country for him this last time!).  But as a wise, dear old friend pointed out to me, “Listen, I think a lot of what he says is bullshit.  I think he was messed up long before you came along.  You just kept him sane for 20 years.  Hat’s off to you!  Most wouldn’t have stuck around.  You should be proud of yourself.  Not blaming yourself.”  Hell, my own daughter has said, “Kudos to you, Mom; I don’t know how you put up with him as long as you did. I’d have left him long ago!”

Yes, let’s see how long dear sister and enabling mommy and his gold digging whore manage to keep him sane now that I’m no longer in the picture.