Today Is a Brand New Day, Plus Pictures!

Oh boy! I’m guessing I have one or two new readers. My view count is over 200 for the very first time! I guess that makes sense after you’ve been posting for a while. I have almost 250 entries so if someone new comes along, likes what they read, and decides to catch up it wouldn’t take long to get over 200 views. On the other side of the coin, I have almost 250 entries. I am either not getting a lot of new people who are reading, or people check me out and decide they don’t like the blog. Today though we’re going to focus on the POSITIVE so… Hooray for over 200 page views!

I know things have been dark around here since the beginning of June. I was giving that some thought because it is possible that someone who just found out they’ve been cheated on will stumble upon my little blog. I don’t tend to recommend people leave or stay because once again I find that to be a personal decision. But if someone is on the fence, or perhaps even leaning towards leaving and then they read my story I don’t want them to be discouraged. Yes, my situation sucks. Big time! But not every story ends my way. Quite honestly, I’m not even at the end yet. I’m not divorced so anything could happen.

Was I heartbroken when I found out what my husband was doing? Yes. Was I worrying about a million different things, most of them focusing on finances and being able to keep a stable environment for our kids? Of course. Here’s the thing though: After I got over that initial kick in the throat and took action I began to feel better. I’m pretty sure I’ve said before that if he were still paying me what he’s been ordered to pay I would be fine. I’d still be living in my old house, my daughter would still be going to her old high school and rocking it there, my son would be in the marching band, Rock Star would be driving, and I would probably be working by now. Life would have been good. I got over him pretty quickly. It’s everything else that has taken a toll.

I know it can be tempting to stay put. I get that. Some may be thinking they need to stay for financial security. I get that as well. When I first found out what he was doing I was sorely tempted to broach him about the possibility of continuing on with a marriage of convenience. If what I’ve been writing over the past four months has caused you to think that it’s better to stay with the devil you know let me direct you on over to Chump Lady. Hundreds of posters over there can tell you how they stayed as well, not wanting to disrupt their children’s lives, not knowing how they would survive out on their own. And then they’ll tell you how he (or she) left anyway. I don’t tell you this to sway anyone into leaving. I tell you this because it’s a possibility. Sometimes despite our best intentions, our best laid plans, they take off and leave anyway.

My advice if you’re going to stay is to get yourself financially secure. I don’t know how that looks for each individual person. I do know that I should have begun working after I found out about CF and Harley. I should have made a plan and decided what, if anything, I wanted to go back to school for and started that journey.  Don’t be me! Don’t get blindsided. Go back to school or finish school. Get a job, even if it’s only part-time. It will help you out so much if your spouse does it again and leaves this time. People always say that my volunteer experience counts and it’s so useful but the reality is it doesn’t. No one cares. Put money aside. Start up your own retirement account if you’re a stay at home parent. Some people swear by getting a post nuptial that will give you significant assets in case of another round of cheating. Others say they’re not worth the paper they’re printed on. Also, don’t move. That’s my PSA for day: Protect yourself financially. Take steps as though you’re going to divorce so that you’re protected in case you actually do.

Now onto more pleasant things. Like this bowl of sugary greatness complete with delightful marshmallows that I had for breakfast. Mmmm!

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Doesn’t that look delicious? Fruit Loops with marshmallows. My favorite.

Yes, I went grocery shopping yesterday. I actually cooked dinner for my kids last night. My niece was over. She and Rock Star went out to lunch, did a little shopping and then Queen B dropped Rock Star off at work. She stopped by to drop off my Rock Star’s purchases and once she heard I was going grocery shopping she offered to go with me. Isn’t she sweet? I love that girl. When I told her what I was making for dinner she announced she was going to be staying. The more the merrier. In case anyone is wondering I made the slow cooker loaded baked potato soup that I posted back in January.

I ran out of bacon bits so I actually fried up some bacon to add to the bacon bits. I also made it on the stove top because I didn’t have 3 hours to wait. It still tasted great. I would recommend cooking for 45 minutes to an hour so that the hash browns have a chance to soften if you’re going to cook it on the stove.

This morning I had another interview with a temp agency. She sounded fairly positive about a job that had just come up. She was going to see if they would increase the pay. I felt pretty good about myself. I wore my cute kickass boots and the dress I bought to go to court in (but then didn’t have to). Here I am in all my kickass glory…

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Hello everybody. I see two dogs made it into the picture. Anyway, this is what I look like. Well, this is what I look like when I’m dressed up. P.S. In the picture to the left you can see my magnolia painting. It ended up making the move.

I need to do the computer assessments at home because their computers were down so after I finish here I am going to get right on that.

I’m going to apply at a couple more places so that I will have two jobs because even if the position she talks about pans out it won’t pay me enough to do diddly squat. But hey, at least it will allow me to get my foot in the door and pay bills while I try to find something else. See? Positive attitude! I can do it!

I’m probably going to delete the next two pictures (and the one above) after a few hours. I don’t think Cousinfucker or his minions read my blog or even know of its existence, but the one thing I could always tell myself is that unless you knew one of us personally you wouldn’t know it was me (or him).  Once the divorce is final I don’t care who reads what!

Here I am in close up…

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I so wish I could take selfies like my daughter does. Every picture she takes is amazing. I take about 20 to get 1 that I find tolerable.

Excuse the trash cans on the counter. They are locking trash cans but my dog has apparently accepted that as a challenge. Since he can’t get it open he simply knocks it over and takes the damn lid off. I came home from my interview to find trash all over the floor. Bad dogs!

Yes, I said dogs, plural. Oh make no mistake. I know which one is knocking it over but trust me, the little one gets in on it after the lid is off. In fact, he probably growls and nips at the bigger ones so he gets the best pickings. The female might hang back but my guess is she’s in the mix as well.

And this is the expression on my face most days…

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Have a great day! I’m off to do some assessments.  Wish me luck!

What I’m Grateful For

I see a lot of posts about being grateful.  It’s a difficult thing to do when you’re going through a divorce.  It’s a difficult thing to express when your world has been rocked by infidelity.  Hooray- my spouse cheated on me!  Thank you!

But seriously, there are a few things for which I’m grateful. For example, while I’m crushed for my kids that their father has chosen to walk off and abandon them I’m grateful that he never played a huge role in their lives prior to our divorce.  I think about how much more difficult this could be for them if they had had a close bond or if he had been Daddy of the Year.  Their dad not playing a major role in their lives is something they’ve grown up with so now that he’s no longer around it’s not a big change. While Rock Star will tell you she wanted a close relationship with her dad, she didn’t have one and she knows that.  She mourns for a fantasy, a what-could-have-been that probably never would have been.  Picasso is sad that his dad lied to him and that he spent so much time wishing his dad would get better, but again, he knows it wasn’t something he ever had.  I don’t think any of that makes it easy on them, but I think it makes it easier than if they worshipped the ground their father walked upon.  All their lives they’ve known me being there, taking care of everything, cooking for them, washing and folding their clothes, taking them places, creating memories for them. I was the parent that was there, present in every day life; he was the parent that shut himself off from them. That hasn’t changed.

Likewise, I’m selfishly grateful for the fact that I don’t have to share my kids with him.  I don’t have to miss my kids on holidays. I don’t have to spend weekends without them (although to be fair, my kids are teenagers so I don’t spend *that* much time with them on the weekends). I don’t need to figure out what I’m going to do to fill in the time while my kids are away.

I’m grateful I don’t have to worry about them being around Harley and her kids.  My kids want nothing to do with her or their father and thankfully, they are old enough that they have a say in that. I can’t imagine the hell that is sending your kids off to spend a weekend with a cheating ex, the affair partner and any additional kids to play happy family. I am grateful I don’t have to hear how wonderful Harley is or how nice she is or that she makes a great bowl of cereal or whatever else cheating whores do to win over kids. In my kids’ case it was nothing.  She gets to block my daughter on FB and pretend they don’t exist while gushing about what a wonderful dad CF is to her own kids. Again, I can’t imagine the hell that it must be to have your kids gushing over the affair partner, or to have the affair partner trying to claim your children as their own.

I’m also grateful that thanks to their almost nonexistent relationship prior to the divorce he can’t poison my kids against me.  I have read some heartbreaking stories where the cheater turns the kids against the cheated on spouse.  Anytime CF tries to portray himself as a victim of my machinations or tries to play the victim card neither of my kids buy his bullshit.  Picasso has gone so far as to say he can’t trust anything his dad says.  Rock Star has said many times that he has brought all of this on himself. It is sad when the kids buy into the cheater’s narrative and my heart breaks for those who are losing their children right along with the cheating ex.  No one should have to go through that.

In hindsight, I’m grateful that I did do so much on my own while married.  I read posts from people who wonder how they’re going to manage taking care of kids without the help of their spouse.  Taking the kids out to eat or on vacation or on a road trip are major achievements to some newly single people.  I’ve been doing that the entire time I’ve had kids.  Yes, my kids are older now so they don’t need the same day to day care, or constant supervision, but even when they were younger I did it by myself.  I can’t even count the number of vacations and road trips I took my two on with my husband nowhere in sight.  For every one trip down to see his parents with him I would make two or three by myself. At one point it was about a 7 1/2 hour trip.  Later it was more like 25 or 26 hours.  All.by.myself.  I remember taking an infant and a toddler out to eat by myself as well. I remember preferring to do it in the winter because our coats would remain on the chairs so the server would know we hadn’t left if I had to take Rock Star to the bathroom; I couldn’t leave an infant behind while I tended to the toddler so all three of us went.  In the summer I had to make sure to get the server’s attention and tell them where I was going. I remember corralling 2 young children into a single bathroom stall whenever I had to go to the bathroom on the road.  One would be trying to get out while I’m trying to use the bathroom; if I was lucky the other one would be relatively stationary. Even as they got older I was the one who coordinated car pools and all the extracurriculars. I was the one who ran around and took care of all of that.

I’m grateful he was never my best friend. I read a lot of stories from people who are lost when their marriages end because everything revolved around the spouse.  Now, whether that’s good or bad can be discussed in another post, but for me, the idea of losing my best friend when CF walked out the door was a joke.  I’ve always maintained outside friendships.  I’ve always socialized with people aside from him, mainly because I did most of that socializing with fellow SAHMs while he was at work. I remember years ago when I was in MOPS attending a Bible study and somehow I mentioned my best friend.  One of the ladies thought it was very curious that I had a best friend still. I remember her telling me she didn’t have time for a best friend and she had told her husband that he had to be her best friend now. I’ve never understood getting rid of all your friendships for your spouse. I’ve never understood those people that could never do things with other people, things like going to lunch or going to a movie, because they were joined at the hip with their significant other. I think I would find that somewhat suffocating but what do I know?  My husband cheated on me and I’m getting a divorce.  Maybe if we had spent all of our time together I wouldn’t be in this situation, thinking about how grateful I am that he was never my best friend. 😉

Likewise, I’m grateful that because he was such a recluse and so rarely agreed to socialize with anyone, I haven’t really lost any friends (that I know of anyway).  He didn’t have many and of those that he did have I generally didn’t know them because they were work friends. I can’t miss a friendship I never had.  I don’t think Blockhead ever really liked me but that’s no big loss; I’m not crazy about him either. Plus I saw him a grand total of 6 times in the 21 years that we were together.  Not exactly a close friend of mine. The only area where I might encounter people trying to be neutral would be at his place of employment in our former state.  He did socialize a bit there until he decided he just couldn’t. They might be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt but I’m friends with one of the wives and I know she gives me the benefit of the doubt. He does have a friend from high school who is trying to be supportive of both. I don’t let that ruffle my feathers because when you get down to it he was CF’s friend. I don’t expect him to banish him and I think this friend has been more than fair to me. Once again, I really feel for those people who are not only losing a spouse/partner but also a whole social circle because everyone believes the con that the cheater is selling.

I’m grateful that I have a supportive family who has been there for me this entire time and a mother who has offered up her home to me.

I don’t like to give him props but I am grateful that even if he wasn’t willing to go places with me, wasn’t willing to go on vacation with me and the kids, he was willing to let me go.  Let me explain that because there really wasn’t any “letting me” do anything.  I am aware that there are many people out there that don’t want to do much of anything and they want their partner right there beside them the entire time.  There are people out there that “forbid” their spouse (usually a wife) from driving long distances by themselves.  There are people who would pout and whine if their spouse was going to go off on vacation or out with friends and they weren’t coming along, even if they didn’t want to go.  I remember once Tammy Faye saying something to me along those lines of how he “allowed” me to run around as much as I wanted.  At the time I’m thinking, “Yeah, bitch, because he ‘let’s me’ run around without him you’ve seen your grandchildren much more than if I had to make every move with him.” Pastor Fake, on the other hand, hated it whenever she came out to visit us for anything more than a week.  He acted like he couldn’t possibly make it without her.  Jezebel and Husband #2 were like that as well.  He was one of those that also wouldn’t let her drive far by herself. I’m getting into a minivan with a nursing infant and a 2-year old and driving 7 1/2 hours, but Jezebel can’t get in a car and drive her happy ass 6 hours without a chaperone.  CF rarely wanted to go with me but at least he didn’t whine about being left behind. And all that running? It was typically me taking the kids to see family.  He didn’t want to go!  Him “letting” me run all over meant he could stay at home and do whatever he wanted in relative peace and quiet while I dealt with two small children.

I am still beyond pissed that he moved us across the country only to turn around and run away less than 2 years later but recently I’ve been grateful that my kids are having to move away from a place they’ve only known for 2 years, instead of uprooting them after 10 years.  Having to quit gymnastics was brutal for my daughter.  She still misses it. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for her to be pulled out this year, or possibly last year when I discovered him cheating and he decided he no longer owed it to his family to support us at the same level. For both kids I think it would be extremely hard to leave behind friends of ten years.  My daughter started 1st grade with those kids. My son had been with the same people all his life.  I think it would have been even more difficult to take them away from that, as opposed to shaking their world up yet again after only two years.  At least they know now that they can start over and make new friends.  Rock Star has even said she’s looking forward to reinventing herself.  I’m not sure she would feel that way if she was leaving our previous state after ten years.  Leaving his friends of eight years behind was excruciating for my sweet, kind-hearted Picasso.  This will end up being a piece of cake compared to leaving two years ago. For both of them.  I never thought I would say I was grateful he moved us across the country after what he has done, but in many ways, especially now that we have to pull up and move again, I am.

In another twist of irony I’m grateful we put a pool in while he was conducting his affair.  Between our (meaning me and the kids) trip back to visit friends and family and all the money CF was funneling to Harley our savings was being rapidly depleted.  With the completion of the pool we had to come up with a significant chunk of money to pay the remaining balance. He cashed in stock as agreed upon (another thing for which I’m grateful- he could have refused, I suppose, but that would have tipped his hand) which meant when I found out about him and Harley there was a lot of money sitting in our bank account.  I’m so grateful that was there for us so I didn’t have to rush back to work, leaving my kids to fend for themselves while they dealt with their parents divorcing and potentially moving.  When he decided he was no longer going to be depositing his paycheck into our joint account and dole the money out instead I had a backup plan. Without that money I would have been destitute.  He would have been able to call all the shots.

I’m equally grateful that I caused a stink about having my name on the deed.  I can only imagine what would have happened had I allowed him to leave me off the deed. The kids and I would probably have been out of there a long time ago if he was the only one on that deed.

There are other things I’m grateful for which have nothing to do with what a shitty person he has become.  I’m grateful for the lifestyle we were able to have for all of those years.  Granted, we were paying out major bucks for sports but my kids never went without.  I could run down to the mall and buy $200 worth of shorts for my kid if she told me she had outgrown all of hers.  I could go shopping and buy them the toys they wanted, the clothes they wanted, the food they wanted.  I am grateful for that, although I know things are going to be infinitely more difficult now that we’ve experienced that.

I’m grateful for having a chance to see and live in many different areas of this great country of ours.  So many people rarely venture beyond their own town or state and I’ve been blessed by living in multiple regions.  I’ve loved the arid, stark beauty of the west, and the green rolling hills of the south.  I’ve loved the mountains while living out west and would frequently marvel at having such a view, even 8 years later.  I’ve experienced drive-thru liquor stores, no alcohol sales on Sundays, children allowed in liquor stores, wine, beer and liquor all sold in grocery stores and drug stores, wine and alcohol sold separately from liquor and having separate entrances for each store, only beer and alcohol being sold in grocery stores, and anything in between.  I can tell you how long it takes to drive the length of Illinois and what the last exit is called, and I can tell you how many miles I-80 runs through Nebraska.  I can give you a list of the most boring drives and a list of some of the most beautiful. FYI: That drive across Nebraska is a bitch!

I’m grateful that up until now I have been able to pay for my kids to partake in expensive sports, such as hockey and gymnastics.

I’m grateful that I was able to stay at home with my kids.  I was able to be there to go on field trips, volunteer in classrooms, serve on PTA, go to awards assemblies and spend summers entertaining them.  I know that working parents can do those things as well, but I never had to juggle work and kids.  Summers were spent with season passes to water parks and amusement parks.  I got to fly my niece out several summers and keep her occupied.

I’m grateful I have been able to attend various out of state gymnastics meets for my daughter.  We’ve been to San Diego, Seattle, Phoenix, Nashville, and Las Vegas all thanks to her.  And I’m very grateful I was able to go, to hang out with friends and to cheer her on.

I’m grateful for all the family vacations I have been able to take. I’ve been to a lot of fantastic places.  They haven’t been exotic but they’ve been fun.

I’m grateful that I’ve been able to volunteer all these years.  Again, I realize people can work and volunteer; I just happen to think it’s easier to do when you don’t have to juggle schedules or you’re not tired for working 10-12 hours a day. I loved attending MOPS meetings and joining their hospitality team.  I am very fortunate that I was able to start a completely new chapter at my own church years ago.  I liked volunteering in the nursery and then in Children’s Church, plus leading a small group and joining the Meal Team at my old church.  I loved serving on PTA and volunteering in the kids’ classrooms. I did so much up at the school and through PTA and I’m very thankful for that.  Before I got married I was a Girl Scout leader and also volunteered as a rape crisis advocate.  I moved shortly after getting married so I didn’t continue on with either of those long after getting married.

I think I could go on and on for paragraphs about all the various things for which I’m grateful.  I won’t, but I could.  It still grates on my nerves that CF actually had the audacity to tell me that I had a great life thanks to him.  No, what he actually said was, “You have a great life thanks to me!” Present tense.  Said with all seriousness as he’s fucking a whore and abandoning his kids. Yes, asshole, I had a great life.  Your money and my cheerful, sunny can-do attitude made it possible.  The fact that I was willing to get up off my ass and throw myself into getting involved made it possible.  The fact that I was willing to make terrific memories for my kids even without your help or participation made it possible.  Right now, my life kinda sucks.  I’m in transition; I have no money and my savings account is rapidly shrinking.  I’m looking at working some low paying job that is going to pay my fucking bills and that’s about it!  My kids are going to be living in poverty and all of those damn restaurants I listed as silver linings are going to be off limits to them because I won’t be able to fucking afford them, thanks to you and your antics, fucking asshole!  But you know what?  I will have a great life again.  And the best part of it?  I don’t have to spend a single second of it with you! For that I am infinitely grateful.

I Can Do Positive, Too

I know I just posted about how I need to be a pessimist. I still do; however, I’m trying to find the silver lining in moving back to my hometown.

Well, first of all I can use that great Bruce Springsteen song as my theme song.  I’m not a huge fan but that song popped into my mind.

It will be nice to be around family.  I moved a year after getting married.  There were about a total of 8 years where I lived approximately 2 hours away but that’s the closest I’ve been since our first move. Maybe I’ll finally get to have those Sunday dinners.  It should be interesting, too, to see how this whole “relying on family” works.  My mom will be gone in the winter but aside from those few months I’ll have a mom, a brother, a sister-in-law, and a niece all who can help out on occasion.

Restaurants.  Whoreville is a town of around 50,000.  That doesn’t seem so small to me but there are a lot of restaurants in my hometown that Whoreville doesn’t have- Culver’s (love those butter burgers and that custard!), my favorite Mexican restaurant, Panda Express, Olive Garden, Red Robin, Steak -n-Shake, my favorite pizza place.

My sister-in-law has been awesome about being proactive- offering to help me get a job, offering to help both of my kids get a job, calling up to the high school to talk to the cheerleading coach.  She even put a message on Facebook asking if anyone had a student that would be a junior in the Honors program at Rock Star’s new high school and I believe there are plans to have a small get together once we get out there so Rock Star can meet some people.

We will have access to decent movie theaters again. There’s nothing wrong with the theater we have here except it’s expensive.  Expensive tickets.  Expensive refreshments.  There is a fantastic self-serve theater about 10 miles from my mom’s house where I can buy 3 movie tickets, 3 popcorns, 3 drinks AND candy for around $25.  In addition to that, I have found that most of the theaters in that area have great prices for matinees.

I’m not a huge shopping mall fan but my daughter is and we have a nice mall out there.  Rock Star is a huge fan of Forever 21 and the one at the mall is huge.  We also have access to a Charming Charlie’s which I don’t shop at a lot, but like with Forever 21, they have some great sales on sunglasses.

Another silver lining is how the kids have taken this.  I knew Picasso didn’t care if we left or not but I was really expecting Rock Star to be much more devastated.  Instead she seems practical.

She won’t have to sit out a year after graduation now.  Taking a year off isn’t the worst thing that can happen but I felt bad that she had to do it.  Plus, if she wasn’t in school that could easily affect any agreements in a custody order.

My kids will both graduate from my former high school.  It wasn’t exactly the legacy I was hoping for but hey, this is a positive post.

I’ll file this one away under “Fat Chance” but if CF is ordered to pay some hefty support the kids and I will be living pretty well.

I know the town, although after being gone for so long things have changed and I sometimes need to ask which is the quickest route.

I still have friends there, plus I’m more centrally located to all the places I’ve ever lived before.  I’m not saying it would be a quick trip to get back out west but it’s no longer 30 hours.  And hopefully I’ll be able to send Rock Star back here for big events if she wants to attend.  When you’ve had to drive over 20 hours to get back home 10 hours doesn’t seem so bad.  Anything that can be done in a day’s drive seems reasonable.

I have a walking buddy waiting for me and depending upon my schedule and my finances maybe my mom and I can go to the gym together.

Both kids are close to their cousins so they will have a ready made friend.  Picasso and my nephew are only 10 months apart and they have a lot of the same interests.  Despite living 1500 miles apart for 8 years and then 600 miles apart these last 2 years, they’ve practically grown up together.  We’ve spent lots of holidays, summers and vacations together.  And the two girls- in spite of the 3 year age difference I know my niece considers Rock Star to be one of her best friends; they FaceTime almost every day.

My mom goes out to dinner with her cousins once a month and I think she’ll let me tag along.

It’s not for certain but I’m hoping I will be in a much better position to buy Rock Star a car and to help her out with those expenses.

This one is kind of stupid but hey, don’t shit on my list!  I like the show Supergirl.  They moved it off of CBS and are running it on the CW next year.  This town does not get the CW.  I’m fairly certain that my home town does.  Ergo, I can still watch Supergirl.

There are probably a few more things that I could consider a silver lining but they aren’t coming to me right now.  I’m pretty proud of myself for even coming up with this much.  Until next time…

Today Is a New Day! Thank God!

Today’s post is going to have a religious slant to it so I apologize in advance to any atheists or agnostics I may offend.  Actually, here’s a quick tip if talk of God offends you:  Just skip over today’s post.  Thanks!

I believe I have mentioned how we have started going back to church.  We like the new church.  It’s fun.  It’s interesting.  Great coffee bar.  I’m not heavily involved yet but I enjoy going and look forward to it on Sundays.

As many of you may have realized yesterday was not a good day for me.  I broke my mother’s heart (I’m sorry, Mom!) and made someone else cry.  I was doing a lot of crying myself.  Where am I going with this?  I swear there is a point!

I browsed through Facebook yesterday and a woman with whom I went to church years ago posted this:  Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  If you do this, you will experience God’s peace.  Philippians 4:6-7a

Being a smart ass I decided to give it a try.  I swear to you this is my prayer almost verbatim:  Dear God, Could you please make my jackass soon-to-be-ex husband pay me my damn money?  Thanks!

I didn’t thank Him for all He has done.  I intend to get right on that though because let me tell you- my prayer was answered!

For those of you not following along in the comments section I did get my check finally.  Hooray!  Now I can breathe for another 2 weeks or so.  I also found out this morning that Cousinfucker DID indeed get his bonus check.  Now, he could try to screw me over and insist he got way less than last year but I have faith my new lawyer won’t let that happen.  So, the pool will be paid off soon and I should be receiving a lump sum of money that I intend to set aside for taxes and lawyer fees.

I’m back to my original plan of staying here until Rock Star graduates.  I’m hoping to hear soon from a vocational rehab specialist (I think that’s the title) to see where I should put my energies.  I have a degree already but I never used it.  Cousinfucker moved us around so much in the first 5-6 years of our marriage and we intended for me to get pregnant and stay home with our kids so I did mainly secretarial jobs.  That’s great when you’ve got a husband making decent money.  Not so great when you’re trying to support yourself and two teenagers who have had everything on that salary. I don’t want to go back to school for a more viable degree only to find out no one will hire someone nearing her 50s.  So I want to find what fields are hiring, if they hire older entry level people and what kind of money we’re looking at.

The next step is to figure out if I’m going to try to work full time and go to school part time, go to school full time and work part time, or any other combination. I’m still a fair distance away from my family, I don’t have a huge number of friends here, and Cousinfucker has moved out of the state so I don’t have a big support network to help me out.  I’m also very cautious about repeatedly asking for favors.  Because of that I’m going to be juggling all of this on my own- school, job, kids.  That’s ok, though.  I am woman, hear me roar.  I’ve got this once I can finally get on a road to somewhere.

To all of you who checked up on me, thank you!  I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.  Yesterday was a bad day.  Here’s to today!  And to Philippians 4:6-7a.

I AM Mighty, Dammit!

 

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I told you I’d get my head out of my ass.  Some days you have to roll in the mud, get all filthy, and then stand up and clean yourself off.  Some days you have to wallow in the sorrow before you can tackle the problems head on.  Hello, today!

Even though I’ve spent the weekend not feeling mighty the fact remains that I am.  I AM MIGHTY!  Let me list the ways…

  1. I did manage to change the damn vacuum belt.  Like I said yesterday, that was a task I always handed over to CF.  But he wasn’t around and I figured it out.  Just like I’ll repair the face of our drawer that fell off.  Just like I’ll figure out how to replace the screen door on our porch (with one that the dogs *won’t* ram their heads through thereby ruining the screening).  Just like I’ll end up cleaning up the backyard and making it look decent.  All without him.  Why?  Because I don’t need him.
  2. I have gotten up out of bed every day.  I’ve made breakfast for my kids.  I’ve done laundry.  I’ve cleaned house.  I’ve taken care of dogs and cats.  I’ve switched out my summer decorations for my Halloween decorations and switched those out for Thanksgiving decorations and switched those out for Christmas decorations and switched those out for my January snowmen decorations and finally, just today, I switched those out for my Valentine’s Day decorations.  And you know what?  Next month I’m going to put out my St. Patrick’s Day decorations, along with my Easter decorations.  And in May I’ll put out my spring decorations and then once again I’ll be back with my summer/beach decorations.  I’ve been here day after day, taking care of business while he’s been off playing, pretending he’s a child free bachelor living in a freaking hotel!
  3. While he’s been off spending every dime on his whore and her kids I’ve been making sure the bills get paid, the kids are fed, and that they have what they need.  He has ONE bill he has to pay- his American Express card.  He is regularly late on that.  His property tax for his car was over a month late. I’m dealing with my marriage of more than 20 years imploding and my husband’s affair while managing to keep everything running and not letting our credit scores take a hit; he’s, well… he’s not.  I guess he’s too busy screwing his cousin to manage to get anything else done.
  4. I got through the holidays without him.  It wasn’t even that difficult.  When I checked in with the kids to see how they had fared they told me they enjoyed the holidays because they didn’t have to deal with their dad and his depressing behavior.
  5. I have raised two kickass children so far, and even Cousinfucker himself has admitted it was all my doing.  They’re polite.  They’re kind.  They get good grades.  They have both stayed out of any major trouble so far.  They’re funny.  Of course, I will also credit my kids; I fully believe that as parents we can only do so much and the rest is on them and their personality.  But the main gist of the story is he has had nothing to do with how they’ve turned out.  I’ve been the one there for them.  They will tell you that.  And while it’s nothing new for me to take them on vacation or out to eat or to work out the logistics of how to get one kid here and another kid there… I’ve still done it and I’m still doing it.  It may not be a new accomplishment but it is something I’m doing and I do it well.
  6. It took me eight days to file for divorce once I found out what he was doing.  EIGHT DAYS!  Not a record, I’m sure.  Nonetheless, I’m proud of myself.  In the span of six days I found out he was cheating, he was giving her money, he had bought her and her daughter new phones and was paying their cell phone bill, he had cashed in the remaining stock and transferred it to a separate account, and he was interviewing for another job out of state.  I would have filed in six days but I couldn’t get ahold of the lawyer until Day 7 and he couldn’t get me in until Day 8.  I acted decisively after weighing my options.  I didn’t beg.  I didn’t plead.  And I was smart enough to transfer money into a separate account before I let on that I knew.  Which brings me to…
  7. I do realize that I’m in a much better position than a lot of women are when this goes down, especially if they’ve been a stay at home mom.  I was lucky.  We had just cashed in quite a bit of stock to pay the remaining balance on the pool.  If that hadn’t happened I would have been completely at his mercy because the money left over in savings from his bonus at the beginning of the year would not have kept us afloat for long.  And I’m equally fortunate that I have a mother who is willing to let me move in with her, welcomes it even.  I’m sure it’s tough on her living alone for the first time in her life.  She lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago and I realized that after he died she was truly living by herself for the first time ever.  This time there were no kids in the house.  Plus, by living with her I will have a lot more money seeing as how I won’t be paying $2100 for a mortgage.  That in turn means my kids won’t be dependent on their dad for any extras.
  8. Per our agreement (and I’m beginning to think more and more that it was a shitty one) we are supposed to pay off the pool with CF’s bonus and then split the remaining amount.  He gets the bonus check at the end of January.  He has not given me my share, nor has he paid off the pool.  I sent him a text on Thursday letting him know the pool contractor was asking about payment.  He never replied.  I texted again on Saturday.  Again, he did not reply.  Today, I called my lawyer.  I’m hoping we can file contempt charges or something to get the ball rolling.
  9. Because of #8 I have also made an appointment with another lawyer to go over my case.  I’m interested to see if this new lawyer thinks I got a good deal and hear her thoughts on how our property division should go.  I’m crossing my fingers she will be outraged and come out all guns blazing.  I may be disappointed with the outcome but at least I’m getting a second opinion.
  10. I may not have made new friends due to the divorce but it turns out I do have a lot of really kickass, supportive friends.  I have many people who check up on me and make sure I’m doing ok.  I just found out another friend is going through this same thing and now I’m paying it forward and checking up on her.  I am very blessed with the friendships I have made throughout the years and I truly cherish each and every one of them.
  11. I started a blog!  That’s a mighty achievement, right?  People read it.  People that don’t even know me read it.
  12. Completely not my achievement or what makes me mighty but:  Congratulations to the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning!  I’ve been a Peyton fan for years.  I’m so glad that if he decides to retire after this season he will go out with a Super Bowl win.
  13. Also not an achievement but an action plan for the day:  I’ve got one kid off to school, one upstairs in bed, sick.  The house is relatively clean although I could stand to vacuum.  I’m going to do some laundry, watch some television, wait for my lawyer to call me back, enter receipts into the computer and continue to get things in order for my appointment with the potential new lawyer.  I’m also going to complete the Valentine’s Day “advent calendar” for my kids.  I created it several years ago and it’s kind of hit or miss as to whether or not I do it.  This year I’m doing it.  I’m late, but I’m still doing it so I need to write out all the cute cards that lead to the small treats they get.  Today is a brand new day.

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