Another Take On Graduation Weekend

Obviously this was written before she went on her texting spree. I’m finding it hard to muster any sympathy for her now. I’ll write tomorrow about the second text she sent, soon after she sent the first text.

I wrote earlier about the mobster’s ex crying at the party. I don’t know anything about it except what I was told, and that’s not a lot. I never saw her crying. I’m also fully aware that the woman, much like CF, is a professional victim so I take her tears with a grain of salt.

I suppose that the mobster and I had a chance to switch places this weekend. Last year it was him feeling somewhat sorry for my ex because it shouldn’t have been that way. He shouldn’t have been sitting by himself, away from the rest of the family. We should have been together as husband and wife, celebrating with our extended family the graduation of our smart, beautiful, talented daughter. At least according to the mobster.

I get it. CF shouldn’t necessarily be pitied because he chose this, but the situation is sad. It shouldn’t have been like that. It’s a situation that should never have occurred. But because he made really bad choices there were consequences; the fact he made those bad choices is sad. The fallout to his kids is sad.

I think, too, that for most of the population who has a heart it can be hard to see a person suffer, even if they are suffering due to consequences levied because of their own behavior. I’m not a heartless person. The mobster is not a heartless person. Therefore, when we see a person suffering it is difficult to rejoice even when that person has brought the suffering upon themselves.

I don’t generally feel sorry for the mobster’s ex. She chose to drink. She chose to ignore the help offered at every turn. She chose to cheat. She chose to lie. She chose to walk out on the mobster and their kids. She helped turn their lives upside down in every way imaginable.

Yet I understand what the mobster felt when he attended Rock Star’s graduation. It’s a sad situation. It never had to be like that.

For all of the snarky, condescending things I could have said to her what I think I really would have said, given the chance would be this:

How could you give all this up? He loved you. He adored you. He never would have given up on you. I never would have been here if you had done what you were supposed to.

Do you have any idea how many times I have felt like I couldn’t compete with the memories the two of you made together? You were a family.

He did so many things for you. He bought you a new stove when you got out of rehab because you loved to cook. He bought you roses and painted cityscapes on snow banks.

He worshiped you. He didn’t want a divorce. He wanted you to get better and to be the woman he married so long ago. If you hadn’t made the boneheaded choices you made along the way there would have been no room for me. He defended you at all costs. He was willing to separate himself from his family for you. You always took precedence. He even valued your well-being over that of your children. You were always the first priority. He was a man who absolutely believed that you leave your family and become one with your spouse. He absolutely believed his wife came before anything. He lived that and you didn’t appreciate it one little bit. You took it for granted.

You had a beautiful home back in New Hampshire. You had a pool. You had four amazing kids that loved you. Your husband worked hard to support you and those kids so that you could stay at home and take care of them and homeschool them. Do you have any idea what a gift that was? Yet you threw it all away- first with the drinking, and then with the cheating. He even forgave you but you continued with both.

The ex in my situation provided for us financially but that’s about all I can say for him. He didn’t run around doing sweet, romantic things for me. He didn’t want to participate in family life. He had no interest in doing things with me as a couple. It was like pulling teeth to get him to do things with us. Surprise me with a new stove? Hell, show up unexpectedly with flowers? Never in a million years. He bought me some nice Christmas presents but he never went that extra mile, like the mobster did for you. I could barely get him to participate in date night.

If I had had your life I never would have messed it up the way you did. I would have been so grateful to have a man who loved me, who spoiled me, who put me first, and who wanted to be a partner and a family man. You had all of that and you threw it away like it was nothing.

I don’t hate you; I pity you. You had everything and you didn’t appreciate a bit of it. Now you’re finding out the grass isn’t greener and that must really suck. But I didn’t do that to you. You did it to yourself.

It should have been a happy day. T shouldn’t have had to deal with her mom showing up to her graduation drunk. She shouldn’t have to worry about conflict between her mom and her dad’s girlfriend. She shouldn’t have to hear her friends make jokes about me being the good mom because the reality is I’m not the mom. No matter how much she may come to love me, no matter how big of a role I may end up playing in her life, I am not her mom and that is a loss she will always feel. That beautiful young woman deserves a mother who is fully present and can participate in her life with her, not show up on the outskirts of it.

Her sons shouldn’t dread having to go outside to talk to her. For the most part they stayed away from her. Their girlfriends or wives shouldn’t dread seeing her, or completely dislike her because of her odious behavior. Yet that is a reality. She has failed all of them in astounding ways.

And you know what? It makes me sad. It makes the mobster sad. He never wanted any of this. He wanted to raise his kids in a two parent family and grow old with the woman he married. It’s the difference between what should have been and what is. He tells me he is so much happier and he should have divorced her sooner; yet, he wishes it didn’t have to be that way. In a perfect world both of our spouses would have done right by us, and right by our children. We’d be happily married to the people we chose over twenty years ago. Unfortunately, that’s not our reality.

The mobster’s reality is that his wife walked out and she walked away from her kids and any responsibility she might have had. On one hand she was bawling and carrying on; on the other hand she was walking around the place like she owned it. She was in many respects an outcast at her own daughter’s party while I was busy setting up and preparing food. Yet, she felt entitled to bring her boyfriend, the man she was fucking behind her husband’s back, to the party the mobster was throwing and paying for. Her kids reluctantly went outside to talk to her. His family awkwardly made conversation with her. The day of the breakfast she sat outside with no one unless her sister was with her. She had to deal with seeing me walking around her old home, fixing myself a cup of coffee and playing hostess. She had to deal with the knowledge that her sister and brother-in-law were spending the night in the same house as the mobster and I were. None of this would have been palatable to me if the roles were reversed. So I have a bit of sympathy for her in that regard. However, I also know she was sending the mobster messages telling him she hoped he went to hell the night before the party. I know she loves to play the victim, just like my ex. I know she’s manipulative and lies. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if none of this bothers her. Oh, I can believe it bothers her she’s not the center of attention, and that her kids aren’t fawning over her. But I don’t think she really cares about everything she lost. If the mobster were still mourning her and begging her to come back… if her kids were still begging her for attention… if everyone had made all over her and acted like they were so happy to see her… she wouldn’t have shed a tear. She wouldn’t have given a single thought to everything she discarded.

If I’m completely honest I’m pissed that she threw this all away so easily. Perhaps she simply figured that he would always be there. He would endure endless amounts of her shit to keep her in his life. I don’t know. What I do know is she got to live the life I always wanted. She got the four kids I wanted and was denied. She had someone who loved her, who put her first, and who always defended her no matter what. CF didn’t do that. He threw me under the bus every chance he got. She had someone who wanted to do things with her and do things as a family. Again, CF didn’t do that. It was rare. The mobster gave up a seven figure profit sharing plan and a lot of money in order to be there for his kids. To this day they are his pride and joy and he doesn’t regret giving that up one little bit (although he does say it would be nice to have that profit sharing right about now).

I also know she brought all this on herself when she walked out. In the end, I guess I don’t feel all that bad for her. I mean, I do when I think about it from my perspective. Her kids want nothing to do with her. She’s lost the most amazing man. But then I remind myself she doesn’t think the way I think. What’s important to me or to the mobster, isn’t what’s important to her. She made her choices and she gets to live with them. As Justin Timberlake would say, “Cry me a river.”

Stupid Divorce Laws

I wrote this earlier in December but still think it’s worth sharing.

I believe I have shared that in Virginia you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce if you have minor children. If you have major children (hahaha) or no children, the wait time is 6 months. There are exceptions for things like adultery, abandonment, maybe abuse. I’m not completely sure, although I do know you can be granted a divorce immediately for adultery. That’s the one that affected me so that’s the one I know for sure. It’s not easy to prove, of course, and you can’t simply show up in court, accuse your spouse of adultery and have them say, “Yep, I’m fucking my secretary (or the pool boy).” No, you must have irrefutable proof. I guess too many people were going that route to get their divorce in a more timely manner so they shot that down. It has to be a third person corroborating the adultery.

Their reasoning is that it prevents people from rushing down and filing for divorce after some petty argument and then later withdrawing the petition. I guess I can see that reasoning, although how many of you have heard of someone getting into an argument over leaving the cap off the toothpaste and then declaring, “That’s it, Stanley! I’m leaving you. I can’t take this capless toothpaste nonsense any longer!”? I don’t know if they have statistics that show divorce rates have fallen dramatically since they instituted this, and honestly, I don’t feel like Googling it.

What I do know is the only reason I was getting support all those months is because my lawyer could file for divorce, citing adultery, so that we could get in front of a judge and have temporary support ordered. For those who don’t have that “luxury” and who are dependent upon the working spouse, how on earth do they support themselves during that year? Granted, arrears are ordered so it would be beneficial for the person paying the support to at least pay something so they’re not hit with a huge payout when the divorce is finally filed, but some people are giant assholes and would be willing to take the hit to stick it to the other person. In my case, CF was voluntarily paying some support, but it wasn’t enough for us to live on.

Here’s another fun fact: even though I could have technically been granted a divorce on the basis of adultery (assuming I could meet the court’s burden of proof) I couldn’t get a property settlement until the one year waiting period was up. How dumb is that?

Also, in Virginia if you commit adultery and you would receive spousal support your spouse no longer has to pay it in most cases if he/she can prove the adultery. Naturally, it’s not as difficult to meet the court’s burden of proof for adultery to get out of paying spousal support as it is to get a divorce. I don’t have a problem with any of that.

I think that if you cheat you shouldn’t get rewarded with your betrayed, humiliated spouse having to pay to support you and your new partner. I am always appalled when I hear stories of (mostly) men who have wives that cheat on them and they then have to pay them substantial alimony after the divorce. It’s just not fair. No, it’s just not right.

This is the part that really gets me though. In Virginia you are married until you are no longer married. They have no legal separation. They define adultery as any sex between yourself and any person not your spouse. So during that one year waiting period? You can’t have sex with anyone else if you are going to be asking for spousal support. Or, at least you better hope you don’t get caught with irrefutable proof. Even after that one year waiting period is up and your papers are filed you are still considered to be committing adultery if you engage in sex with someone else.

At one point in my life I felt that way. I felt that you were married until you were no longer married. If you were separated you shouldn’t be dating. Of course, I felt that way when I was married and smug in my thinking that I wouldn’t ever be faced with that.

Here’s my reality: By his own admission in court, CF had started up his relationship once again with the whore by April or May of 2015. He was sending her money out of our joint checking account starting in June. He was definitely sleeping with her by July. He bought her an engagement ring in September. He quit his job of 15 years, moved out of state without saying a word, and moved in with her in February of 2016.

My papers were filed September 1st of 2015. We had temporary support orders in place by December. We were living in separate states by February of 2016. Our divorce hearing was scheduled for May of 2017. That’s almost 2 years since I learned about his affair. It is two years since he began his affair. I didn’t even know my mobster existed until a few weeks after my original court date. For damn near two years I navigated this whole sucky experience by myself. No one was around to tell me I was pretty or wonderful or amazing. No one told me I was incredibly strong or that they were proud of me for all I had gone through. I didn’t have a replacement husband lined up to support me, or to warm my bed, or even to simply tell me that everything was going to be okay and he would be by my side throughout this whole ordeal.

Cousinfucker can live with and get engaged to his dumb whore but if I have sex he can accuse me of adultery and try to get out of paying spousal support. All because we are married until we’re not. Even after divorce papers have been filed.

Our first divorce hearing was postponed because we had to review his expert witness and secure one of our own. Why? Because he was trying to get out of paying support– both spousal and child.

So now I have to wait until September before I’m divorced. But wait! We get kicked out of our courtroom for a jury trial so now it’s postponed until November.

This whole time he’s living with the whore. They’re having his family over for holidays, going to see her family. Shoot, let’s face it. There is no his and her family. They’re already related. He’s blasting it on Facebook that he’s in a relationship with her. She’s doing the same. They’ve got everyone telling them they look so happy and gosh darn it, you deserve it! He’s running off to support her kids while ignoring his own. They move into a new house together. But I’m supposed to be living a celibate life because I’m still his wife and he can accuse me of adultery.

I understand the letter of the law but does anyone else find this skewed in the cheater’s favor? I completely favor not rewarding a lying, cheating spouse who is sneaking around behind your back, gas lighting you, trying to convince you that you’re crazy and doing all sorts of horrible things to justify the behavior with spousal support. You wanna fuck around on your spouse? You better not need his or her money. But I think there’s a huge entitlement factor when you can cheat on your spouse and then demand that they be faithful to you.

I had no idea Harley was back in the picture when those two nitwits started up again. Cousinfucker spent the entire summer lying to me, humiliating me, deceiving me, and attempting to drain our financial resources on the whore. There is no way that Cousinfucker could possibly claim that our marriage was broken only when, and if, I began having sex with someone else. He was living with Harley, for crying out loud! This divorce had been in the works for almost two years by the time I even knew the mobster existed!

How very convenient for the cheater! If you just keep postponing your divorce hearing long enough your spouse may slip up by moving on and then you can get out of paying support!

On top of that my divorce hearing was November 3rd. I wasn’t officially divorced until the END of December. December 28th, to be exact. Very technically, if I were to have been having sex with someone and he could prove it up until the divorce was granted, he could have potentially re-opened our case and had spousal support thrown out. What a crock of shit! He had been having an affair for two and a half years. He had been living with the whore for almost two years. They’re engaged, y’all! Our divorce was filed over two years ago. Well, let me amend that. My original petition for divorce based on adultery was filed over two years ago. We didn’t prove it so while I did receive temporary support, I was not granted my divorce and would have to file again. I would have filed after our one year was up but Cousinfucker was pulling yet another crazy act out of his hat, and since he didn’t feel like he should communicate anything with me, his actual wife, during that period of time I had no idea what was going on. I thought he was back in the psych ward; I had no idea he had actually checked himself into the VA for alcohol treatment. Or that he was only in there for 3 days. So I waited. Our divorce hearing was supposed to take place in May but thanks to him crying wolf it was postponed another six months. A judgement had been rendered. My petition for divorce had been granted. We were just waiting on papers to be signed. He lives in Kentucky. I live in Indiana. There was no marriage here to speak of. I was certainly not leading him to believe I loved him and was devoted to our family. I wasn’t lying to him about where I was going or who I was texting. If I were to date he shouldn’t have been shocked; he’s living with another “woman” after all. Yet according to the laws in Virginia if I were to have had sex I was still committing adultery. Because according to Virginia law, there is no legal separation so I was still married.

Sorry, Virginia, but you need to move into the 21st century. Making couples wait a year before they can file is bad enough. I say this as a person who did not date right after separating and who had no desire to date.

As I said earlier, I can somewhat see it. They want you to make absolutely certain a divorce is what you want and they don’t want people filing and then withdrawing that petition over and over every time they get into a fight. Fine. I can even almost understand still being accused of adultery while you’re living separated for that year. The whole point is to make sure a divorce is what you really want. However, I think most people really want the divorce. I don’t think most people tend to file just for shits and giggles. Virginia is also really big on the two people living separately. They’ll accept living separately under the same roof but they don’t like it and have a bunch of rules you must adhere to. What they really want is for you to be physically separated. And once again we come to that fork in the road… you’re legally married but living separately and like a single person. So why this insincere cry of adultery?

I definitely think once those papers are filed you need to let it go! There shouldn’t be any possibility of some philandering spouse getting their feathers all ruffled because the betrayed spouse has moved on. For crying out loud- Cousinfucker was allowed to buy the whore and her kids whatever he wanted after our “separation” date. Once we separated his money was his to do with as he wished. Buy her an engagement ring? Check! Buy her kids new puppies? Check! Buy her daughter a ridiculously expensive dress for a school dance? Check! Blow through $30k in 4 months? Check! Any money put into his 401k his and his alone and not to be split up in the divorce? Check!

Why is it his finances are none of my business once we separate but my sex life is his business? If we’re married until we’re no longer married and I’m expected to be faithful to his cheating ass because I’m still his wife, then shouldn’t “his” money be “our” money until we’re no longer married?

Approximately Five Days Before D-Day

August 2015

Feeling better today.  And I’ve made some progress.  Yesterday I finally removed all of her pictures in my contacts.  I had her picture up for his nephew, Pastor Fake and Jezebel still.  Since I was beginning to talk to Tammy Faye more I had already replaced that one.  I kept her number in but deleted her picture and have her in my contacts as Kim.  I started to delete most of my entries on Facebook and then just decided to deactivate that account.  I’m even considering reaching out to Jezebel with a friend request.  CONSIDERING.  It’s not a done deal.

I am finally starting to realize what Shawn the Wife means when she talks about not pain shopping and focusing on your own happiness.  Tracking her down and seeing what she was up to, trying to interpret events (her hair is longer and darker, she’s lost weight- does this mean she’s involved with my husband again? Is she getting a divorce? etc.), seeing how she was interacting with my in-laws, did nothing for me except make me crazy.  Honestly, I know that I have given her more head space than she will ever give me.  I know my in-laws will never turn their back on her and I need to let that go.  Somehow try to find a way to focus on us and our relationship.  I doubt it will ever be the same.  I was re-reading some old entries when I was deleting stuff and I came across the one that finally nailed down what it was that made everything so hard.  I loved them.  I considered them family.  But when it came down to it I wasn’t the one they rallied around.  I was disposable.  I loved them all just like they were my original family and then I found out I didn’t mean anything to them if I didn’t mean anything to Zack. I felt like they were my family; they felt like I was Zack’s wife and everything about our relationship was based on that. So, I think I can navigate some sort of relationship with them while understanding that it doesn’t really mean anything.  It makes things more peaceful at home.

Hell, I’ll even forgive Blockhead and his snooping ways.

As for Jezebel, well, I don’t trust her and any relationship we will end up having will be extremely superficial.  I can be cordial.  I can do holidays.  But I won’t be willing to do things with her on our own.  I won’t confide in her or let her in on my family life.  I can be FB friends but honestly I’ll probably unfollow her because I don’t want to see her bi-weekly profile and cover picture changes or hear about her fabulous life with her very best friend and soul mate.  If the kids choose to be friendly that’s great but I won’t be facilitating it.  I’ll just caution them that these are people they’ll see maybe once a year and if Jezebel and Husband #3 ever divorce they’ll be out of their lives forever.  Enjoy it but don’t get too close.  Oh, and the biggie, remember to NEVER EVER trust her.

This way is just so much more peaceful.  It’s hard sometimes to sustain rage and I’m over it.

Thinking about everything that has been happening lately I realized just how much I love Zack, how entwined our lives are.  I’ve spent almost half of my life with him.  It’s not just about the two of us.  It’s about us and everything that we have built over the last 21 years.  I don’t want to lose that.

I am hopeful that this is the year our anniversary offers up no triggers.  I’ve even been thinking about renewing our vows.

Present Day Sam Says:  Oh, Sam, you stupid, stupid, stupid woman.  You so badly wanted everything to be ok even though your gut was undoubtedly screaming the truth to you.  You were too trusting.

Now that I’m done scolding myself I want to say I always find these later entries so painful.  I was finally over it and just as I recover he goes and does it again, assuming, of course, that it ever truly ended.  I ate so much shit so that everything could go back to the way that it was and it turns out it was all in vain.

 

Oh Sam, You Poor Deluded Idiot

July 2015

Things are a little better, I suppose.  I go up and sit with him while he’s home for lunch.  He’s going to his reunion with Blockhead.  Without me.  And he’s talking about going to visit him in a few weeks.  Again, without me.

He thinks he’s impotent.  I don’t know if I should feel grateful because then he’s not fooling around, or if that’s just an excuse and he needs an explanation for being repulsed by me. It was the excuse he needed to remain “faithful” to his whore.

We’ve messed around some and joked around some and that makes me feel better, but my gut just keeps screaming. Listen to that gut, Sam!

I did notice he left his phone on the arm of the chair when he went to go take his medicine so maybe he’s not as guarded about his phone as I believe.

I’m debating calling his mom and seeing if she knows anything.  Probably wouldn’t tell me if she did. Hell no she wouldn’t! She was pushing for this. She called Harley and urged her to call her precious son because he was so sad.

I’m just so sad.  I feel overwhelmed.  I was feeling good about coming back to BFE.  I was feeling good about me and Zack and our relationship.  I was pretty much done with anything having to do with infidelity.  I was done with her.  And now this.

I wonder if it would do any good to start at the very beginning and tell him I know that Blockhead told him about my Facebook page.  Tell him I read the emails between him and Jezebel.  Flat out ask him what the hell is going on now.  I’m exhausted anymore.  I’ve been back for 6 days and I’m exhausted.  And I’m nauseous most of the time and constantly looking for clues that things are going to be ok.

He skipped another therapy session.  Hadn’t wanted to go anyway and then said he would but at lunch said last time inventory took until 6 so maybe it would be best to cancel. But remember, I was dismissive of his worsening symptoms. That’s probably why he canceled.

And can I just say I’m getting a little irritated?  He can’t go to Florida with me.  He can’t even come and sit out on the damn enclosed porch.  He’s spent 3 months saying we need to get another door for our screened in porch and it hasn’t happened.  But he can drive 6 hours to see his mom.  Alone.  And he can drive probably 8 hours to go see Blockhead.  Alone.  And he can drive 6 hours to go to his reunion.  Again, alone.  He can’t do jack shit with me or with the kids, but he can get in a car and drive off alone and do whatever…. or whomever. He was fucking Harley. He drove to fuck his cousin. Period. And you were busy spackling like a good little wife.

Present Day Sam Says: I re-read these entries and it makes me so sad. And so mad. He played me for such a fool. I was an absolute idiot. I spackled and buried my head in the sand. I didn’t want to believe it. I simply could not wrap my head around the fact that my husband of 20 years could move across the country, buy a new house, a new car, new furniture and put a pool that cost the equivalent of many people’s yearly salary in our backyard and then turn around and fuck a whore. Seriously- who does that?

As I said way back at the beginning of this blog, why the hell couldn’t he have given me the two years I needed to get past what he had done the first time?

Sam, you know the reason.

Yes, because that’s not who he is. It’s all about him. It’s all about being easy and convenient. He wasn’t willing to do the hard work. He wasn’t going to be inconvenienced. He was entitled. He didn’t like feeling bad. He didn’t like discussing his faults and his shortcomings. Let’s focus on the future. Forget about my affair. Focus on other things. Like what you can do to prevent me from cheating.

We never really stood a chance. I knew from experience that once he was done with something, once he had made up his mind, there was no changing it. You couldn’t sweeten the pot and make him change course. That’s why I was so surprised when he “chose” me the first time around. I honestly believed he would never end things with her and stay with me. But maybe he didn’t. Maybe it was all a ruse. He would tell me what he needed to tell me and get his ducks all lined up. Then he could hone in for the kill.

I think we were doomed from the very minute he decided sexting with other women was a viable option. Because of who he is there would be no recovering from that. His mind was made up. I was old news. I was on my way out, no matter what. I think at some level I knew that. That’s why I always prefaced my comments with, “if”. It’s why I never fully rekindled relationships with the in-laws.

Why Would You Need To Sleep With Your Phone?

July 2015

He slept with his phone yesterday.  Said it was because the dogs kept knocking it down and he didn’t want to miss his mom’s call.  Then this morning I noticed the cord running to the chair where he always sits.  I thought it was in the chair with him but he’s actually putting it in his pocket.  He’s remote although he says the drive took a lot out of him and his boss was asking him a million questions yesterday.  I know he’s been talking to Blockhead because he told me this morning that they may go to their reunion.  I am either going to put my phone in his car on record or I’m buying a voice activated recorder to see if he’s talking to anyone on his way to work.  I know that won’t rule out everyone cheering him on to leave me but it might possibly eliminate my suspicions that he’s having another affair.  I wish I didn’t think like this but my gut is screaming at me that something is wrong.  He’s acting like he did back then.  And hell, his drive is only 10 minutes so maybe he wouldn’t even bother with calling and talking on such a short drive.

You wanna know the crazy part?  There are times I blame myself.  If I hadn’t used a public FB page as my own personal blog he wouldn’t be like this.  His other sister said he was so excited about this move, that it was a fresh start. I’m guessing that Blockhead stumbled across the page in December.  And everything has been downhill since. So I take that on as my own cross to bear.  I should have made everything private or friends only.  I could still have used it as my own personal blog but no one would have seen.  I could have made her pictures public and anything about her public and everything else private.  Despite the fact that he cheated and lied I’m the one feeling guilty and like if I had just done things differently then everything would be ok.  Sometimes I feel like it even extends to his family as well.  Not having a relationship with Jezebel causes him stress.  If I would just forget about all the things she’s done and how she helped to stab me in the back then everything would be ok.  And I know that’s faulty thinking.  He’s got to bear some responsibility in this.

At this point my mindset is this: He is not going to uproot his entire family and move us across the country so that he can leave me.  We will work through this because divorce is not an option.  Things are finally looking up in Whoreville and I really don’t need this shit. Maybe once my mom and everyone leaves on Thursday we’ll have a conversation about why he’s been acting so weird.

Present Day Sam Says: Yes, honey, he was willing to uproot his entire family and move them across the country so that he could leave you. He was willing to put a brand new inground pool in your backyard to throw you off his scent. He was willing to lie and cheat. He’s an evil, rotten bastard and you would do well to remember that.

 

One Month Before D-Day

July 2015

My victories:

  1.   I stayed at the in-law’s house without my husband.  I am slowly healing that relationship.  I’ve even considered becoming FB friends with her.  Not quite ready to take that step but I’ve been mulling it.
  2. There is a song out there, not sure of the title.  I think it’s “I really really really like you” by Carly Rae Jepson (?).  When I first heard it it was a huge trigger!  That’s the justification Zack gave for continuing his relationship with Harley. Anyway, it’s quite catchy and the last few times I’ve heard it I’ve been singing along and bopping my head to it instead of allowing it to bring back bad memories.
  3. I’m not currently counting down any anti-verseries.  Not dwelling on what was going on at this time 2 years ago.  Trying not to get distracted with any of the holidays.  Also hoping that August 14th will come and go like any other ordinary day.  And I’m really hoping that I don’t have a meltdown on my anniversary this year.
  4. As previously stated I’ve deleted most of my infidelity blogs and I don’t tend to read them every day as I used to.
  5. I did go check out the whore last night and downloaded some new pictures that other people had posted.  But ordinarily I don’t go looking for her on FB and I haven’t been checking to see how she and my in-laws are interacting.
  6. I have no desire to check Zack’s phone or his email.  I figure that he’s smart enough to keep it hidden pretty well and as I said before I can’t control him.  If he’s determined to cheat he will.  If he really thinks she’s the love of his life, his soul mate, there’s nothing I can do about it if I haven’t convinced him otherwise after almost 2 years.
  7. So many of the things that pissed me off earlier this year make sense now and I can accept.  The whole concept of gratitude specifically.  I’ve been making an effort to try to look on the bright side of things and I can understand what the authors were trying to say before.  But like everything else with adultery (with anything really) you have to be ready to hear that message.
  8. I just feel at peace.  I’m not worried about Zack and Harley.  I’m not full of hate and anger.  There are certain people (his nephew and Jezebel) I’m still not too happy with but I don’t dwell on it.  I rarely think about them.  I have put it out of my mind.  Every now and then something will come up but I usually solve that by telling myself, “Nope.  You’re not going to think about that now.”

Present Day Sam Says:  Hey, Sam, guess what?  He’s cheating on you!  He’s fucking a whore and sending her money while he lies about it!  Keep spackling, sweetie!  I’m glad you’ve made such great progress; I think it’s swell that you are finally to the point where you are over what he did to you.  Unfortunately, it’s too late because he’s doing it all over again.  Sorry!