Sam’s Untitled Message to Cousinfucker

I’ve been sitting on this one because I wrote it a few months ago and a lot has changed since it’s inception. Sadly, I haven’t been doing a very good job of keeping up with my blog so enjoy!

Dear Cousinfucker,

I’m beginning to think you didn’t mean it when you said you wanted us to “come to a healthy relationship apart from all of this” (I am guessing that “this” meant your affair with Harley) or when you encouraged me to “build a future relationship that we both can be happy for each other and our children and show them that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future.” Then again, we both know you were lying out your ass when you told me that while I would take a hit financially I would be provided for for life because your lawyer had me “covered for the rest of [my] life.” You certainly tried to worm your way out of that one, didn’t you?

I’m beginning to believe talk is cheap. It seems to be especially cheap when one side (you) has everything going their way while the other side (me) is being served a giant shit sundae and told to smile and eat up.

You don’t seem to be very happy for me. In fact, you seem quite bitter. I have to admit, I don’t quite understand it.

Sure, you could argue that I had no interest in being “happy” for you when you first broached the subject. I will point out that when you first extended this so called olive branch that I was in the initial phase of being discarded after twenty years of marriage. Not only was I being dumped, but I was also being replaced by the whore you cheated on me with two years prior. You had played me for a fool all summer long, once again. You had also cut me off financially so I was forced to live off of savings until the temporary support hearing and I wasn’t completely sure what was going to happen to me and our two kids. I was desperately hoping to be able to stay in the house until Rock Star graduated, and perhaps beyond that if Picasso wanted to stay and graduate from that school as well.

While I wasn’t cheering you on for your weekend fuck-fests I also wasn’t harassing you. I left you alone to play happy family with the whore and her kids. I didn’t call. I didn’t text. I didn’t chase you down in my car. I didn’t stalk you. I left your skank ass cousin alone, too.

And while you were home, using our children’s home as your extended stay hotel during the week? I left you alone. You were free to text all night with your whore. I didn’t send our kids to you to try to play on your pity (you don’t have any). I didn’t pound on doors. I didn’t scream and yell at you. Oh, I suppose I did occasionally play some songs from my freedom list very loudly. Aside from that, I ignored you. Yet you continued to act like the victim, crying to our daughter that you were treated worse than a piece of furniture. I didn’t fix you a plate and bring you your dinner every night. I no longer did your laundry. Worst of all I put bells on the door so I could hear you when you came in the house. I can see how that might have traumatized you.

Even during the darkest times you had it pretty easy. When I found out you had quit your job and fled the state I cried on my own, confided in my mom, poured my feelings out on my blog. When I found out you had lost your job and weren’t planning on sending me anymore money, again I cried on my own, confided in my mom, poured my feelings out on my blog. And then I went on to price almost everything in our home to try to sell at a garage sale and listed all of our furniture so that I would have money to move and to live on once I got back to Indiana. You didn’t hear a word from me. Not one single nasty text. Not a flurry of emails. Not one car ride down to where you were, making a big scene.

So again I’m trying to figure out how you justify being so angry at me. You got everything you wanted. Don’t you remember how you cried about what a disaster Virginia was? How you were destined to fail because Randy wouldn’t support you? How Charlie wouldn’t fade into the background like he was supposed to? You wanted to leave your job in Virginia and you did. Why so sad?

You wanted to work with your best friend. Don’t you remember how you lamented not taking him up on his previous offer? If I recall correctly you surmised that that was one of your biggest mistakes. But then like a fairy godmother he appears out of nowhere and manages to get you a job at his plant. It’s a dream come true! Granted, your children weren’t part of the package, but then again, you didn’t really bother with them anyway. It’s not like you offered to take them with you. They probably would have just gotten in the way when you wanted to spend the weekends with the whore. In the end though you got exactly what you wanted, what you thought you had lost. You got the chance to work side by side with your very best friend in the world! You had lunch with him every day. That is so exciting. I would be so happy about that. Why weren’t you? According to you, he was there for you. He listened to all your sad little tales of woe.

You wanted to move back to Kentucky. I remember you telling me how you’d love to be able to call your sister up and meet her for a drink. That’s not happening anymore, seeing as how you’ve labeled yourself an alcoholic and your sister still lives a good 2-3 hours away from you.  You know she won’t go out of her way to see you, and you seem far too lodged up Harley’s ass to go out of your way to see her. Therefore, you don’t see her that often. But you’re there and that’s what’s important! Plus, you got to spend your mom’s last years with her as well.

And remember how you told everyone that Harley made you so happy while I made you miserable? Well, now you’re with her! That is news for rejoicing.

Where are we again? Oh yes, you wanted to quit your job with PCA, you wanted to work with your best friend, you wanted to move back to Kentucky, and you wanted to be with Harley. By my count you got all of those things, although not all together. You did quit your job at PCA. You went and worked with Blockhead. Even got a promotion. Finally a GM and not a PM. Congrats! Of course, you ended up losing that job. But, all was not lost because it meant you got to live with your whore cousin in Kentucky full time. Bam! Two birds, one stone. You moved back to Kentucky and you moved in with the whore that made you so happy. You got everything you wanted. What more could you possibly want?

Was it the fact that I didn’t cry and beg and plead for your return? Instead I found a lawyer and filed for divorce, and then put you on ignore. Or were you miffed by the fact that I found out what was going on before you got to ambush me? That also meant I was able to take protective measures, like moving over all of our money into an account you couldn’t touch. You are very fond of your money so that probably pissed you off a lot! Not to mention the fact that I wasn’t completely at your mercy. Maybe it’s the fact that you couldn’t destroy me. I kept on going. Even worse, I found someone else.

About that… I don’t understand why you’re so pissy about my relationship with the mobster. I would think you would be happy for me. You’ve found what you think is a much better match for yourself. I know I’ve found a much better match for me. What’s that you said? We’re not good together. I know you will be whole without me. Take a minute and reflect upon those words. I’m thinking maybe you didn’t really believe I would be whole without you. Or maybe I was supposed to be whole without you or anyone else while you frolicked with the whore and basked in your unique love.

If you could stop being so butt hurt that I somehow managed to get over you and all your fabulousness and found love with someone else maybe you would realize that could actually turn into a very good thing for you. If I remarry you’re off the hook for spousal support. I’d think you would be doing everything in your power to make sure my relationship with the mobster worked out. I’m surprised you haven’t sent us on an exotic vacation or at the very least set up a romantic date night for us.

No, instead you wander around making snide comments about my love. What happened to being happy for one another? What happened to showing our children “that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future”? I’m so confused. Was that yet another round of bullshit to make you look evolved?

Look everyone! Sam and I are divorcing the right way. Look how happy she is for me and Harley. She’s not bitter or crying or upset. No! She realizes that we aren’t good together and that Harley is a much better match for me. She understands the importance of me being happy, and agrees that her happiness shouldn’t even be a consideration. She is completely in agreement with everything I want. 

She knows she will take a hit financially but she is so happy for me that she doesn’t care. Not even a little bit. She will do her dutiful job as the mother of my children and explain to them that they will have to learn to make do with less so that these other children might have everything they’ve ever wanted. And she will joyfully head back into the workforce after not having worked an outside job in over fifteen years. I’m sure she will get great satisfaction out of a low paying job. She doesn’t know it yet but she is going to love having to schedule vacation days instead of having a wide open schedule, and farming her parenting tasks out to others because she can no longer do it. Oh, it won’t be me, of course. I’ll be too busy playing doting daddy to Harley’s kids. But Sam will manage.

In fact, Sam and I have done divorce so well that she will face every challenge I throw at her with a smile. When her income goes down by 90% and mine stays the same, she won’t complain. When she is facing this divorce on her own while I have my cousin by my side, she will be happy for me. When I take off and move out of the state I drug them all to she will shrug her shoulders and realize I’m doing what’s best for me and my new family, and she will be happy for me. She will let me pay her whatever I decide is fair. She will never complain. She will never make demands. 

She will tell our children how much I love them and make endless excuses for me and my bad behavior. She will constantly reassure them that even though I’ve deserted them I still love them and they should still worship me and beg me for attention.

Best of all, Sam will spend the rest of her life pining away for me. I’m so fabulous I know she will never be able to find anyone else. She will live the rest of her life working a pathetic job, maybe even two or three of them, never having what she had when she was married to me, and spending her evenings and weekends all alone.

Ah, I refused to go gentle into the good night. That’s the problem, isn’t it, Buckaroo? I didn’t continue to do image management for you. I told the truth. I did what I was required to do and nothing more. I refused to settle for table scraps while you feasted on steak and lobster. Gone were the days of you and Harley living it up and her living out her gold digging dreams at my expense and the expense of your children. Instead you had to pay way more support than you thought you were going to have to, and that, my “friend”, is when you really began to change.

Life isn’t quite as much fun when you’re not withholding money from me and you and Harley are no longer able to spend, spend, spend because you’ve got a judge, judge, judge on your ass, ass, ass! Gone are the days of blowing through five grand a month on whatever it is that whores spend money on. Gone are the days of you having thousands to spend on whatever you want while I’m left to pay all the bills- while you continue to live at home. Gone are the days of knowing that I’m working two jobs just so that your kids can eat and wipe their asses in the same month, while you move your new fake family into a nice, big home in an upper middle class suburb complete with a pool and a clubhouse. No, now you have to manage ol’ Harley’s expectations with the reality that you owe me more than half of your paycheck. I bet you didn’t think you’d get imputed, did you?

That was probably the other piece that fell into place to make you change into somebody who no longer valued “being happy and whole”. That judge really ripped you a new one, didn’t he? He didn’t buy a word you said. Named your gold digger in court documents. Said you were perfectly capable of paying me more instead of putting all your money towards your “girlfriend” and her kids. Didn’t buy your mental health issues bullshit. Didn’t buy your PTSD excuse. And then told you if you were willing to move you could easily make what you had been making. Remember when he wrote that he found your “girlfriend” to be a major factor in your refusal to move away from Kentucky? I sure do.

Regardless, I hope you can take comfort in your new relationship. After all, she makes you so happy. I’m sure she won’t cheat on you, like she cheated on her first husband. Or like she cheated on you in the beginning. With her estranged first husband. You know, it was probably just a divorce negotiation trick.

I think I understand it now. When you said we should build a new healthy relationship based upon being happy for one another what you really meant was I needed to suck it up and be happy for you. When you said I would take a hit financially but we both knew your lawyer had me covered for life what you really meant was that I was going to be struggling for the rest of my life while you and Harley lived it up at my expense. When you said we weren’t good for each other and that I would be whole without you what you really meant was you had found someone else and I should spend the rest of my life wanting you and my old life back. You didn’t really think I would ever climb back up on top. You didn’t really think I would forge a great new life without you. You certainly didn’t think you’d be paying me as much money as you ended up paying. And you didn’t think I’d find an amazing new partner. Despite what lip service you gave the whole “we need to be happy and whole and model this brand new relationship model for our children,” you didn’t give a fuck about me and my happiness, did you?

I’ve Got You Under My Skin

Apparently I am robbing him blind! I got another check from Cousinfucker. Hooray! Let’s see if this one goes through before we celebrate. Another check for the child support portion. Nothing for spousal support. I guess he has absolved himself of paying spousal support. He doesn’t wanna so he’s not gonna!

The best part is he wrote the check on our anniversary. Nothing like paying out almost a grand to celebrate. Happy Anniversary, Cousinfucker!

I was wondering if I would get another grinch on my envelope. If not a grinch, what other mischievous Christmas character? Oh, he hit it out of the ballpark this time. He completely went off script and decided to go with this:

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That’s right, everyone! I’m robbing him blind because he’s having to pay me child support! Table support instead of the bullshit $800 he wanted to pay. Again, he’s not paying spousal support! He has declined to pay. He’s paying roughly what he would have been paying had he actually sent his four checks of $555.55 or $575. Actually, he’s paying less! Child support, people! He resents having to pay support for his own children.

He is so childish. The part that really galls me, though, is the fact that his lawyer asked if he could pay bi-weekly since that is how he gets paid. I agreed to it. I don’t care when I get paid so long as I do get paid. He can pay me all of it on the 1st, half on the 1st and half on the 15th, 25% each week, or break the yearly payments into 26 payments and pay them out every other week. I truly don’t care and so I agreed to what he wanted. I cut that sonofabitch a break, despite the fact that he doesn’t deserve a damn thing from me. In return he and/or the whore-bitch spit in my face.

I probably sound more upset than I really am. Yes, I continue to be amazed at their level of childishness but he can put whatever he wants on the envelopes so long as he continues to send me my money. Next step, of course, will be sending me the correct amount of money. Congrats! You’ve paid child support this month. You’re still $2800 behind on your spousal support obligation.

Then to up the ante I got a text from him. First time he’s texted since Rock Star got hurt way back in July.

Your attorney just gave me permission to take money out of MY 401(k) to pay the arrearage. Figured I should tell you since you have such a watchful eye on MY money.

BAER.  That’s Big Ass Eye Roll. Can you see it? So many things I’d like to say in reply.

  1. Don’t flatter yourself.
  2. Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine.
  3. Tell it to the judge.
  4. So you’ll have the check in the mail by Monday?
  5. Can I be expecting the $25,000 you owe me in attorney fees as well when you get into that money?
  6. Terrific! Now your kids can have a decent Christmas. 6a. Or do you begrudge them that because it’s all supposed to go to your fake kids and your whore?
  7. I believe you meant to say MARITAL ASSETS. 7a. You’re welcome, btw. I moved all over the damn country and gave up countless lives to follow your unhappy little ass as you moved up the corporate ladder.
  8. Look, Jackass, it’s called discovery. I haven’t been keeping watch on anything except that which is rightfully mine. You’ve had the exact same access to my finances.
  9. I wouldn’t have to “keep an eye on your finances” if you did what you were supposed to do, i.e. paying your fucking support as ordered, and if you weren’t such a fucking liar and cheat. Have you forgotten the 401k you liquidated at the same time you were crying poverty? Bet you and Harley and her kids went someplace nice, bought something great, did something awesome. While your own kids suffered. Or the fact that you took out $50,000 instead of the $28,800 plus taxes you owed me? So yeah, I’m keeping an eye on you until I get what is legally and rightfully mine. Deal with it.
  10. You are not entitled to spend marital assets in any manner you wish, especially not on a whore and her kids. You are not entitled to list the whore as your beneficiary when you are still married to me. If this upsets you, deal with it, you big fucking crybaby. If you overspent when you shouldn’t have because you were in the middle of a legal proceeding then that is your problem. I didn’t do that to you. You did it to yourself.
  11. Cry me a fucking river.
  12. They’re called consequences. They are what happen when you dismantle a 20 year marriage for a whore.
  13. Did you really think the judge was going to buy your bullshit?
  14. I cry every day because you’re no longer in my life. I miss you sooooo much. Oh God, I can’t even type that out with a straight face. I burst out laughing.
  15. Awww… what’s the matter? Are you shocked that I no longer roll over and let you do whatever you want? As your wife I was pretty much, “Whatever you want, CF,” to keep the peace. I’m no longer your wife so I have no reason to placate you.
  16. Did you seriously think you were going to walk away with your finances intact? I’m thinking you’re not as smart as you think you are.
  17. You not happy? I thought Harley made you happy. Why don’t you go home, grab her, bend her over the couch and fuck her hard? Then while you’re driving into her balls deep you can scream out loud, “God, Harley, this pussy is sooooo worth $4600 a month! And my kids.” Yes, let’s not forget you tossed your kids aside for this whore. Hey, you got a couple of new ones, though, so it’s a wash.
  18. If you think you’re pissed off now just wait until you find out I’ve garnished your wages!
  19. No, everything you made up until this point is OURS. Everything you make from here on out is YOURS. Or Harley’s. Probably Harley’s. Good luck; you’re going to need it.
  20. I’m keeping an eye on you and your finances? I’m not the one hacking your Facebook page and sending nasty text messages to your whore. Who’s keeping an eye on who?
  21. Thanks!
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  23. 402ed105534627c22f5346301cf2e408

As the mobster likes to tell me: You are really getting under his skin.

You know what the funny part is? If he’d simply pay his court ordered support he’d never hear from me. Hell, he doesn’t hear from me anyway. I just email my lawyer and tell her he’s not paying and she begins filing for a show-cause hearing. He could go off with the new love of his life/soul mate and his brand new kids, living down in Kentucky right by his fucked up cheater sister and his witless mother both of whom set him and his cousin up and unintentionally set in motion his financial destruction.

I don’t want to communicate with him. I don’t care what he’s doing. Give me my damn money and you can do whatever the hell you want!

He’s the one that drags this out. He’s the one that continues to do whatever the hell he wants, despite what the judge has ordered.

If he was the one that hacked my Facebook page I wouldn’t be surprised to find out it set him off to find out that I wasn’t pining for him and wasn’t unhappy. I don’t know if he expected me to be by myself forever either because I was simply too hideous for anyone else to love or want, or if it just bruised his ego that I got over him and moved on with someone else. They were probably laughing it up, thinking that I was all alone and miserable and lo and behold! Oh shit! Sam’s happy! She’s got an amazing new man in her life. Where in the hell did this guy come from?

Then add to that the fact he got reamed by the judge in his ruling. I would like to think that things aren’t happy around the Cousinfucker/whore household right now. He’s pissed because he owes me a lot of money. She’s pissed because she thought he was going to be dropping a lot of money on her and her kids. Merry Christmas!

Oh it has been quite the journey but the payoff is definitely worth it. Now seriously, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being no big deal and 10 being his head explodes, how mad do you think he’s going to be when he finds out I’ve garnished his wages?

Shaking My Head

I honestly don’t know what goes through the mind of a cheater but I’ve got a pretty good idea, thanks to clicking on various links. The thought process defies logic.

Chump Lady is often accused of being single minded and lumping all cheaters together. Most of the people who have a problem with this are cheaters themselves, or people who want to reconcile with a cheater because they don’t want to believe their cheater is not super special. I’ve got to say though that she is remarkably dead on. Seriously! Read the cheater blogs. Read the other woman blogs. They all say basically the same thing. I’m sure the same thing could be said about those who’ve been betrayed.

We probably all come across as shrill, bitter, sexless people who deserved to be cheated on because we’re guilty of denying the cheater his or her happiness. Remember- happiness trumps everything! Don’t worry about who all you hurt or any of the destruction you cause. Your happiness is the only thing that matters.

Oh, probably those who have been cheated on but who bend over backwards to appease the cheater and their AP aren’t considered bitter. No, they’re considered to be enlightened.

I read the comments sometimes on the other sites and I think, “Holy cow! This is exactly what they mean when they refer to Dr. Simon and his whole: It’s not that they don’t see; it’s that they disagree philosophy.”

Someone who has gleefully been deceiving his or her spouse for months, writing about it in detail, talking about how the spouse falls short in every category while the AP (or APs, as the case may be) is the most wonderful, perfect person on the planet who understands him/her and is his/her soul mate, gets caught and now shit has hit the fan. What do commenters say? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope it works out between you and your AP. Oh wait! That’s what they say while the writer is embroiled in the affair. I hope it works out. You deserve to be happy. Love is so precious. You deserve to be loved. You need to explore this connection or you’ll regret it forever. You two are meant to be.

Apparently those that are betrayed don’t deserve a damn thing. We’re collateral damage in the quest for happiness.

I’ve seen comments where they tell the writer that they are so sorry the cheater is in so much pain. Why? They’ve brought it upon themselves. If you want to feel sorry for someone feel sorry for the cuckolded spouse! Feel sorry for the spouse who finds his or her life falling apart once the truth is revealed. Feel sorry for the kids who are watching their family be destroyed. You can feel especially sorry for those kids if they’ve had to move out of the family home and/or leave the area and their school/friends/lives behind. Those are the people who deserve your sympathy. Not the person who has been going out and fucking strangers. Oh, I’m sorry. Fucking the new soul mate.

They speak of open marriages. Yes, that’s a brilliant solution. The cheater can still have the spouse appliance who takes care of the nitty gritty and have as many fuck buddies as he or she wishes. What a great idea! Hey, what does the betrayed spouse get? STD testing?

I always love this request for an open marriage. It seems to me that most people who are asking for one don’t quite grasp that there are rules to an open marriage as well. It’s not a free for all pussy fest (or dick fest, as the case may be). If you can’t obey a simple marriage vow that says you won’t fuck another person I’m not sure how you can handle a whole new set of rules. Or that you would even be willing to follow those rules.

No, what I think happens is the cheater thinks, “Oh! An open marriage. Now that’s something I could use. My wife can still do all her wifely duties. I won’t lose time with my kids (if that’s even something that concerns me). I won’t have to live on half of my paycheck, or forego using the wife’s if she makes more than me. I don’t lose half my 401k or any of my other retirement accounts. I don’t have to split up household items or possibly move out of the family home. And I can still go out and fuck anything that moves. All the perks of being single and none of the responsibilities. Yes! Let’s do an open marriage.

What else do you get when a cheater has been caught? Well, there’s this idea that it’s a damn shame that the cheated on spouse is making this whole thing such a public affair, no pun intended. Yes, because the problem isn’t what the lying, cheating spouse did; it’s how the lied to, cheated on spouse reacted!

I know this is way too simple for most people to believe it actually works, but if you don’t want people to know you’re a lying cheater try not lying and cheating. If you want to fuck anything that moves and deceive your spouse then pull on your big boy or girl pants and face the music. Stop whining and acting like you are the poor, aggrieved victim. You are not. You are the perpetrator.

Chump Lady was also correct when she said that cheaters take it for granted that reconciliation is always on the table and that they like controlling the flow of information.

Information is power and most of the cheater apologist’s are quick to point out when one of them is sharing too much. Don’t give all the details! Don’t tell her/him everything! Don’t be so transparent! Look to Esther Perel for advice on cheating! Sharing too many details just hurts your spouse so you’re doing him or her a favor by not not being completely honest.

Bullshit! That is image management at its finest. Not sharing the details because “it would hurt my spouse” is a load of crap. You don’t share the details because you don’t want them to know certain things. You like having the upper hand. You like keeping this poor deceived person in the dark. You don’t tell the truth because it benefits YOU!

I’ve been having an affair with Janet for 4 months. It’s over now.

is a lot different from

I’ve been having an affair with Janet for 4 months. When I told you I was staying late at the office I was actually meeting with her at the restaurant we go to every year for our anniversary. I’ve introduced her to all our mutual friends and they accepted her; we hung out with them, in fact. I’ve had her over to the house and she’s worn your clothes and we had sex in our bed. We’ve made plans to get married and be together forever. I told her all your secrets and complained about all of your flaws to her. She knows everything about you. We had sex two and three times every time we were together. She does x, y, and z, which you never did. I think I’m in love with her and cutting her off is killing me.

In the first situation you can play dumb and might still have a chance at saving your marriage. In the second situation you’ve got a lot to answer to. You no longer have the advantage of knowing everything and keeping your spouse in the dark. It’s a lot harder to convince your wife that Janet meant nothing when she knows the full story and the depth of your deception than when all she knows is you were fucking Janet for four months

So please, save the bullshit about wanting to protect the spouse you lied to and cheated on from anymore hurt. You want to protect your own ass.

And for the love of God, STOP with the “I don’t want to hurt my spouse anymore than I have.” The hurt you have caused already is tremendous. It’s like a murderer saying, “I don’t want to kill this person anymore than I already have.”

As for possibly not wanting to reconcile if your spouse outs your affair to anyone and everyone… well, aren’t you just full of your cheating self? You are taking it for granted that your spouse actually wants your lying, cheating self back. Naturally, once you let this person know you’ve been out fucking someone new YOU have a choice to make. YOU get to take your time and decide whether or not their behavior was appropriate enough for you to accept their request of reconciliation.

If you have cheated on your spouse and you truly desire to reconcile you will take whatever anger and fallout comes your way. You will accept that others may know what you’ve done and judge you. You will accept all of that as the price you pay to reconcile after you’ve cheated and deceived.

Finally, I’ve sat there slack jawed as I read various cheaters talk of standing by their spouse’s side should something awful happen to him or her. Are you fucking kidding me? I can assure everyone out there reading that if I were to be diagnosed with cancer or be in some sort of awful accident, Cousinfucker is the LAST person I would want by my side.

In fact, if I were unconscious and he were stupid enough to come sit by my bed, when I woke from my coma I would stab him with a damn scalpel. DO NOT lie to me, cheat on me, and destroy my life and then try to preserve your image by “standing by me”.

Granted, I know what a liar CF is but how devastating would it be to find out your spouse, who was by your side throughout your entire medical crisis, was actually cheating on you and lying to you that entire time? Disgusting!

At least I’m honest when I gleefully point out to others that should something befall Cousinfucker I would be the person tasked with deciding whether or not to discontinue life support or to make all medical decisions. I don’t dress it up as, “Oh, he’s my husband, the father of my children. Of course I would stand by him if anything bad were to happen.” No, you’d hear something like this:

Doctor, we need to discontinue life support.

M’am, it’s a sprained ankle.

Look, he wouldn’t want to live like this. Pull the plug!

Mrs. Cousinfucker, it’s not a life threatening injury!

I’m also not much touched by their fervent claims that they will always do right by the disrespected spouse because he or she is the father/mother of their children. Who cares? It obviously didn’t mean enough for you to not cheat on your spouse so why tout it as so powerful now? As I remarked about CF telling our kids that I was a good mother, “Who the fuck cares?” Him saying that was about the lowest compliment he could ever give me. I’m a good mom. I sure the fuck hope so considering the fact that you abandoned your children for a whore and left them with me. What? If I’d been a bad mom you would have tried to take them with you when you ran off with the whore? Or you wouldn’t have fucked a whore if I’d been a bad mom?

They are so full of shit. The excuses, the romanticizing the affairs, the bullshit… it’s almost too much to take. Yet it’s oddly comforting because you realize that they all pretty much follow the same script, and they’re all pretty much self-centered whiny babies who think only of themselves and whatever it is they want.

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Advice From the Mistress, Part 2

Get those vomit buckets ready, ladies. We’ve got more advice from the lovely Sarah.

4. Communicating and the art of communication – Flirt with him throughout the day either via text, email, phone etc (*Note: that’s what all Mistresses do with your husbands*). Be fun and fun loving. Don’t nag! Ultimately make him WANT to come home to you, not HAVE to come home to you.

I detest this one with the fire of a thousand suns. Probably because it reminds me of what CF wanted me to do. Because the whore did it. I will say again, so that I am very clear, I think it’s wonderful when couples communicate throughout the day. I think the random sexy message and flirty text is a great thing. You know what’s not great? Being pressured into doing this. Having the expectation that you will do this every day, all the time. Your partner not respecting your time and the fact that you may be busy doing other things. Someone acting like a fucking high school student with their phone connected to their hand at all times so they can constantly text one another.

I’ve got a job! I can’t be on my phone all day long. I guess if I ever venture back into the dating pool I am doomed to be cheated on again and again because I can’t sit around texting my boyfriend constantly. What in the hell did people do before cell phones? Before this idea that two people in a relationship need to be in constant contact all day long, every damn day? I don’t think wives were calling their husbands at work at

9 am: Thanks for that morning quickie. I can hardly wait until you get home.

10:15: I miss you.

10:45: It’s been so long since I’ve heard your voice. I want you! I’m going to do all sorts of naughty things to you when you walk in that door.

11:30: Whatchya doing?

12:15: I’m lifting up my shirt and showing my boobs to you. Can you see it now? Close your eyes and imagine it!

1:30: I’m so hot and horny for you! I don’t know if I can wait until you get home.

2:00: How’s your day been?

2:45: I just called to say I missed you.

How would they have managed to get any work done?

OF COURSE the mistresses all do this. It’s a hook. See? I’m sooooo much better than your wife. It’s also one of the only ways they can be with this married man throughout the day.

Furthermore, I’m not taking advice from a whore, especially not my husband’s whore. How dare he try to turn me into her? He should be worried about what he needs to do to keep me! (Too bad I didn’t have that attitude when I was still married and “reconciling” with CF.)

My shit eating chimp decided that a mistress that lived hours away was a good idea. Sexting and flirty messages were all they had for day to day communication. And my guess would be that if you’re going to have an affair sex is going to figure prominently in that situation. She’s not going to be texting him to tell him the toilet is backed up or one of the kids is in trouble at school. She’s going to be texting him to tell him how much she wants him, how handsome and sexy he is, and to tempt him with promises of more once they can finally be together. It’s all fantasies and no responsibilities.

The wife, on the other hand, has an actual life with him. The sink gets clogged and a plumber needs to be called. A child is doing poorly in school. The in-laws want to come out for Spring Break. She doesn’t have the luxury of pretending that there is nothing else in this world going on except the crotch tingles she feels for her husband. Fuck the kids! Fuck your parents! Fuck me NOW!

You might be able to get away with that occasionally but if you think that’s what’s going to happen all the time in a marriage then you’re going to find there are a lot of things that don’t get taken care of and your life is going to crumble all around you.

5. Be Intimate with your husband everyday – Preferably sex YES! But even if you don’t always feel like it, there are other things you can do. If you’re not sleeping with your husband, I guarantee someone else is! Even a hug and a kiss will be welcomed if you can’t go the whole way, but some form of intimacy is essential.

Basically, what you’re saying, Sarah, is that you need to put out because if you don’t your husband has such lack of control he will be compelled to go out and fuck some random stranger. Yeah, no. We don’t control anyone’s behavior except our own. (Okay, I will acknowledge there are some extremely co-dependent personalities that are undoubtedly at the mercy of their partner but I would like to think those people are few in number.)

I already talked about the woman who wrote a book on relationships, advising women to never refuse their husband sex because if you weren’t giving it up he’d find someone who would. Even with that mindset her husband still cheated on her. She now has an elementary aged stepchild.

I’ve already talked about the women who were stunned to find out their husbands were cheating because they had sex with them every day or every other day (I guess that one day on, one day off was just too much for the sex starved husband).

Really, what kind of a relationship is that? I know I’m sick, baby, but maybe we could do it doggy style in the bathroom. If you just let me lean over the toilet I can throw up while you’re riding me hard and you’ll never have to miss a beat.

What happens if I get cancer and I’m exhausted and nauseous from chemotherapy? I know several females who either are going through, or have gone through cancer treatment. Are the husbands justified in getting it elsewhere now? After all if the premise is you need to be intimate every day you can’t let a little thing like cancer and fighting for your life stop you from fucking your husband or being intimate in some other way. Those husbands can’t be expected to be faithful now that their wives are unable to perform, can they?

What if I’m in pain? Maybe I broke an arm or a leg, or I’m having back spasms. Just fuck through the pain? What if I have a stroke? Are you still going to love me then or will you cheat on me because I can’t have sex every day?

When you’re a mistress sex is always new and exciting. It’s not something you necessarily have an opportunity to do every day. After all he has to concoct a lie to tell his wife so that he can get away and be with the mistress. So obviously when the two of those nitwits get together they’re going to be having sex. It’s what their relationship is built on typically. Some may argue that the mistress is their very best friend and they have such a stimulating meeting of the minds. They might argue that she understands him, she “gets” him in a way that no one else does. But if you ask him if he would want to be with her if they could never have sex again I think we know what the answer would be. No, seriously. You trade in your wife for this woman who is the Great Understander. You can talk to her about anything and everything but you can never have sex with her. I don’t think most of these men would still say, “Sign me up! She stimulates my mind and that’s enough for me!”

And once again we’re back to the premise of this delightful school which is that women are nothing more than penis receptacles. Do things you don’t feel like doing, even when you have a very valid reason for not wanting to do it, because your husband demands it of you and if you don’t then you can’t expect him to be faithful.

I will also state again, just to be clear, that I’m not talking about someone who withholds sex forever. I don’t think that’s an excuse to cheat but I want to be clear I’m not trying to justify the wife who has just suddenly decided she never wants to have sex again. That’s one extreme. Dear Sarah is on the complete opposite extreme. Give it up all the time, every day, or you’re a bad wife.

6. Put more friendship in your romance – Lighten up on the romantic side of your marriage. See your man as your best friend as well as your lover. That way you can really be yourself and be relaxed around him, just as you are with good friends.

Excuse me, Sarah. I’m a little confused here. You’ve just given me a list of 5 things that I’m supposed to do that don’t acknowledge I’m an actual person. If I’m counting correctly I can expect 6 more tidbits of awesome advice that completely discount me as a real live person. Your advice up to this point has been all about NOT being myself. Your advice has been hyper focused on how I look and what I do to make “my man” feel like he’s just the greatest thing in the universe. I feel like you’re moving the goal posts here.

This one really made me laugh, though, because with all the emphasis on sex and looking hot and sexy up until this point and then switching gears into being best buds I was imaging actual friendships I have. I can only imagine the side glance J would give me if I sidled up behind her and grabbed her ass. Or if I texted my other friend to tell her how sexy she looked. She didn’t like me grinding up against her, dancing drunk back when we were in college. I can’t imagine she’d appreciate a little touchy feely now.

Let me make sure I have this right. Be at his beck and call, text him nonstop with messages about how handsome and sexy he is and how I’d like to blow him, fuck him every day, make sure I don’t get fat, but lighten up and have some fun! Be his buddy! And then fuck him again. No matter how tired you might be.

Oh Sarah, I can hardly wait to see what other nuggets of gold are awaiting us.

A Huge Pity Party Mystery Update

I’m going to be honest. There is no “huge pity party mystery update.” There is, however, a pity party going on (when isn’t there one going on when it comes to CF?), a mystery that has been solved, and an update. I needed to consolidate my title. Instead of A Huge Pity Party, a Mystery Solved, and an Update I mashed it together. Catchy, huh?

First, the update. Picasso finally got his Christmas card and gift card. CF came through and wasn’t a total dickhead to his son. Why it got here so much later than Rock Star’s is a mystery I won’t try to untangle.

Second, the mystery solved. Tammy Faye and Pastor Fake sent the kids a little something for Christmas as well. Tammy Faye went on to say that she hadn’t been well and they had moved into a handicap apartment. I’m not sure how that differs from their previous apartment seeing as how it was a single floor with 2 bedrooms. Maybe the bathroom is more handicap friendly. I don’t know; I don’t care. For shits and giggles I checked the return address on the card. What do you know? The address is the same one CF used as his return address.

Again I ask why? What is the big deal with using his correct address? Does he think I don’t know her address? Does he think he’s somehow keeping his location a big secret from me because I don’t deserve to know where my husband is living? Surprise! I know her address. It was listed in the actual court documents when I named the whore in our divorce proceedings.

Does he think that if he doesn’t list her address then his kids might be fooled into thinking that he’s not living with her or isn’t still with her? Um… it might help if you took down the picture of you posing with the bitch as your FB profile picture. Otherwise, this just looks desperate and sad.

Speaking of desperate and sad, here comes the third part- the huge pity party. What else is new, right? I told you the house is being sold at a foreclosure sale. My cousin is interested in buying the house for her daughter but doesn’t think she’ll have the funds. She contacted CF to ask him how much was owed on the house. He responds: My kids won’t talk to me, I’m bankrupt, and I’m on all these medications. But that’s not your problem….

Now granted, I don’t have this word for word but I’m sure it’s very close. Hell, maybe she did make an offhand comment about “hope you’re doing well” or “sorry to hear about the house.” Ultimately though she was inquiring about how much was owed. And his response is to pour out all his problems- TO MY DAMN COUSIN! Maybe he’s hoping to sleep with her as well. Maybe it’s not enough to sleep with his own cousin; maybe he’s hoping to sleep with my cousin, too. Maybe he has a cousin fetish.

He is ALWAYS THE VICTIM! His kids won’t talk to him, he’s on various medications, and he’s bankrupt. Don’t you feel sorry for him? I’m a kind hearted person. Normally, I would feel sorry for someone like this. Until I realized that he DROVE THE DAMN BUS RIGHT OFF THE CLIFF himself!

I told him back in 2013 that Rock Star would hate Harley and that she would never accept her kids. I told him this point blank. There was no beating around the bush, no euphemisms, no hesitation whatsoever. Rock Star will hate her! Plain as day. I know my daughter. I have been a little surprised about her willingness to stay in contact with him and her apparent dismay at not having a father in her life, but I think that may be simply due to the fact that he’s abandoned them which is always a tough pill to swallow whether you want that person in your life or not.

He knew that if he ever left he was risking his relationship with his kids. He said himself that he told Harley the kids were much closer to me than to him. He admitted to me when I told him Rock Star would hate Harley that he figured as much. When I told him there would be no fucked up version of the Brady Bunch between her kids and mine he agreed.

All that notwithstanding, what the hell did he think was going to happen when he moved them across the country, torpedoed their lives for this new job of his, and then turned around and upended their lives again a year later? Did he think they were going to thank him? What did he think was going to happen when he left every weekend to go be with Harley and her kids? When he could socialize with them and play Daddy of the Year to them but couldn’t be bothered with his own children? How did he think they were going to react when he moved out of the house and out of the state without bothering to even mention it to them, much less say goodbye?

As a small aside Rock Star informed me that he sent her a FB friend request. She ignored it. She said she wasn’t going to decline it because then he would have something to play victim about.

The last time Picasso mentioned his dad he called him a cock. That boy is stone cold. I would not ever want to get on his bad side.

He’s heavily medicated? Fucking your cousin will do that to a person. Maybe stop doing that and you’ll feel better. I don’t know what to tell you, dude. You’ve made some bad life choices. Sounds like those choices are coming home to roost and you’re dealing with the consequences. Sucks to be you.

You know what else? I don’t really care, not even little bit, about your mental health now. I don’t give a shit if you’re trying to get better now. Now for another woman and her kids. I needed you to get better before. I needed you to get better so that you could be a husband and a partner to me. I don’t care how you’re doing for her. I hope you’re doing awful, quite honestly. I needed you to get better so that you could be a decent father to our own children. I don’t care one little bit how you treat hers. I cared about you getting better when it would affect our family for the better. Now that you’ve chosen her and her brood I don’t care if you ever get better. I hope you don’t. Let her deal with the fallout for the next twenty years.

He’s bankrupt? Wow- who would have ever seen that one coming? Again, you’ve made some bad life choices. You walked away from a house you’d owned less than a year. You watched them put an insanely expensive inground pool in your backyard, knowing you were going to leave your family for a whore and her kids. You furnished almost your entire house with new furniture. Maybe it was the fact that you had a brand new pussy wagging in your face that kept you distracted but all of those things- the new house, new pool, new car, new furniture- were some of the very first things I thought about when I found out you were cheating again. How the hell would we be able to sell the house and not lose our asses? That was a huge concern of mine. Again, I’m sure you were much more focused on fucking your cousin than on worrying about what was going to happen when we tried to sell a house that we had been paying on less than a year.

You had a wife of twenty years who had followed you around the country and been a stay at home mom since your daughter was an infant. How did you not seeing spousal support coming? Again, that’s another one of those things I tackled straight out of the gate. What can I expect to receive in child and spousal support and how do they calculate that shit? I know; I know. When a whore is sucking your dick you don’t give much thought to those sorts of things. It will all work itself out and besides, hey, you’re getting a blow job!

You had a pool loan and credit card debt. Oh, that was another thing I checked on- how spousal debt was split up. Guess you were busy getting busy with the whore and didn’t inquire. You gave your wife less than $5000/month and expected her to pay all of the bills out of that, including the $2100/month mortgage, the car payment for her new car, the car insurance for both of you, both credit cards, all the utilities, and a $341/month pool loan. There wasn’t enough left over after paying all the bills for her to buy groceries or dog food but instead of giving her more you just told her to use the money she had put aside. You know, the money that was earmarked to pay off the pool. Instead of splitting the household expenses which would have meant your wife didn’t have to use the pool money, which in turn meant that you wouldn’t have had to pay an additional $15,000 out of your bonus check to pay off the remainder of the pool, you chose to put your remaining paycheck, almost $5000/month, into a separate checking account that you shared with the whore. I did warn you that it would be considered a marital debt and that it would have to be paid off. You did screw me, however, seeing as how you got to pay the remainder from your bonus check and then split the proceeds with me, instead of having to split the bonus check and then you paying the rest of it off. Of course, if you did have an additional $7500 the whore would have just blown through it. But, I would possibly be in a better situation with an extra $7500. Oh what am I saying? You don’t give a shit about me and your kids and how we’re struggling.

You took a $5000 loan out against your 401k, and even knowing that it needed to be paid off before you left the company or penalties would apply, you quit your job of 15 years. You cashed in all of the remaining stock you had been given and in quitting 6 months later, you walked away from tens of thousands in unvested stocks.

In four months she (or the two of you) went through approximately $30,000. You bought such necessary items as a $4200 engagement ring, a $300 formal dress for a child that wasn’t yours, over $400 in sports equipment (just in September), almost $200 at Vera Bradley, hundreds in eye care, almost $1000 paying the whore’s utilities, and over $800 for Christmas gifts for children that weren’t yours. Between January and June you took in approximately $27,000 after paying your court ordered support and according to your bank records there was only $3000 in your account at the end of June. Of course, Harley was contributing right around $5000/month, too so I’m not sure we should even say YOU had $3000 left over. Between you two idiots you had $3000 left over and that’s only because you didn’t pay a dime in support that month. You should have had nothing left once support was paid but I guess Harley wouldn’t have been able to spend to her little heart’s desire had you paid half of your support that month. It was much more important that she get whatever she and her kids wanted, rather than you provide anything your kids might need.

I have to give a shout out to Totally Caroline because she definitely saw this one coming. I really thought he’d keep it together at least until Harley dumped him. He likes having money. He likes being a big shot. More importantly, she likes having money and what he was handing over to her was easily doubling her income. Even once he began paying court ordered support he was still able to offer her around $3000/month.

I have to just shake my head in amazement. He wants everyone to see him as a victim and yet he is completely unable to comprehend that he went down this path willingly. Did it play out the way he expected? Oh, probably not. I’m sure he thought he was going to pay me a lousy $5000/month and get to walk away from all of our joint responsibilities. I would pay all the bills, take care of the kids, the pets, and go get a full time job working for peanuts to pay for groceries, gas, household staples, and any other extras. Meanwhile, he would have $5000 to blow on absolutely nothing. It would all be fun money. If you recall he had no bills. His car was paid for, his cell phone bill was paid for by his company (until he quit), and I paid the insurance on his car. Ooh, lightbulb moment! That is probably what he thought would happen and why he sees himself as my hapless victim. It doesn’t matter that he did this to himself. It doesn’t matter that he miscalculated screwing me in that particular way. No, the only thing that matters to him is that things didn’t work out the way he thought they were going to so now he’s a victim.

Take heart, Cousinfucker. Every time you begin to whine about all the medication, the financial disaster, and the fact that your kids will have nothing to do with you you can take comfort in the fact that Harley is right there by your side, probably down on her knees. How can you possibly be unhappy when you have your soul mate, the person who makes you happy, by your side forever? Victim? Oh gosh no! I’d say you’re the victor!

It’s Veterans Day

November 11th. Veterans Day. I have to keep reminding self that just because Cousinfucker is a lying, cheating sonofabitch, that doesn’t mean every veteran is. I have to keep that in mind so that I don’t paint every service member with the same broad brush. I have plenty of people in my family who have served and they are not all assholes.

Regardless, this day has always been filled with lots of drama. I’ll never forget the year that he came home, pouting, because I had not wished him a Happy Veterans Day. From that point forward I always made it a priority to recognize this day and reminded the kids to thank him as well. So hey, if you or one of your minions is reading this: Happy Veterans Day to all those who have honorably served! To those veterans who are cheating on their spouses, abandoning their kids, refusing to pay child and/or spousal support, abusing their spouses, or plotting their murders, you are a disgrace to the military. I don’t wish you a happy anything. I fart in your general direction. It is truly sad that so many good men and women have given their lives while you continue to walk this earth. May God have mercy on your souls because I sure as hell won’t. You make me sick.

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In other news, I took the advice of those of you who said to screenshot his photos on Facebook. Actually, I made my mother do it because I can’t stand to look at him. I found out some interesting stuff, though.

  1. He lists his status as “in a relationship” with Harley the Whore.
  2. He’s got pictures of him posing with her youngest son. Nice!
  3. Harley the Whore has changed her name! And she’s going by her maiden name now so I guess her divorce is final.
  4. There are 2 dogs in the picture now. Good to know he can’t afford to pay child support, any of the marital debt, or to keep up the lawn but he can buy two fucking dogs. Not to mention the dogs he simply abandoned.
  5. This was the most interesting. He put up some meme about 100 days. We were trying to figure out what on earth that might mean. 100 days since he had paid child support? 100 days since he had abandoned his kids? 100 days since he began living with a whore? Hmmmm…. so my mom read the comments and we are both thinking that it is 100 days since he has stopped drinking. Interesting. Especially because the point at which he quit drinking (if that’s what it is) corresponds to roughly the time he resigned from his job.

 

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That’s all I’ve got for you today. Keep your chins up and “soldier” on!

A Leak In the Ceiling and Another Breakdown

Blast From the Past 44

May 2014

We have a leak in our ceiling. It was discovered this morning after our daughter’s party. I dreaded telling Zack but I did anyway, and as expected he fell apart. He’s not doing well at all with this move. Is he stressing because he’s about to put his plan into action? Or, more likely, is that just who he is? Every time he falls apart I think of Harley and all she’s missing out on. I know I’ve said it before but it bears repeating. This is him, Harley. This is the real Zack. He can keep it together for a while but it doesn’t last. If your scheme had worked and he left me for you, you would be the one dealing with all of this. You would be talking him down as he went through trying to sell our house- with no benefit of a buyout. You would be the one talking him down when his kids rejected him and he felt like a failure. You would be the one comforting him and talking him down as I drug him through divorce court and made his life a living hell. There would be very little time for telling you how wonderful you are or how much he loved you. No time for sexting. No time for fun, cozy texts. You would become the person he relied upon to make everything better. Every. Single. Time. this happens I try to envision Harley having to contend with real life instead of their bullshit fairy tale affair. It makes me smile because I have no doubt she would fail miserably. And they would both be miserable with their “new and improved” lives.

Present Day Sam Says: Hmmm… to be a fly on the wall in their house some days. I don’t wonder often but I do wonder how she’s coping with the real Zack. There is a part of me that regrets how I played this divorce because I feel like I let him get away with a lot. There is another part though that says this is perfect.

For months they got to run around without a care in the world, blowing through money like you wouldn’t believe. I know what’s it like to think life with him will be one way. I always say before we got married Tammy Faye and Pastor Fake bestowed upon us thousands of dollars in “cash and prizes”. After we married the bottom fell out and they were destitute. They never got out of it completely. Now that’s happening to Zack and Harley. She thought she had the world by the tail. Look at me with my new married lover who gives me access to all this money! Look, kids, your new daddy is giving me $5k a month to just blow through; what can I buy you? What do you want?

Now the bottom has fallen out. The money is gone. He’s having a breakdown, or playing at having one because he thinks that gets him out of paying support. Even if the breakdown is a fake the lack of a job is not. She’s once again supporting a man and this one isn’t taking care of her kids. She’s getting the real him and it’s even worse than anything I could have imagined for them.

Right Spot At the Right Time, Or Something Like That

Blast From the Past 27

March 2014

Something to take to heart:

Don’t Make The Other Person More Important Than They Are:

He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is a distraction. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.

I’m not particularly fond of the thought he was “looking for an affair” but I do appreciate the sentiment that she was simply in the right place at the right time. I think that’s true. We had been struggling for a while. He tells me he thought he was only a paycheck to me and that we lived like roommates. He even told me he didn’t think I cared about him or our marriage anymore, and that I probably wouldn’t even care about his affair with her.

He reconnects with Harley on Facebook; she’s in the same boat and BAM- a recipe ripe for disaster.

And then, of course, you have the fantasy of the affair. Two perfect people with no problems. No one interferes. No one else is making demands. And it’s all wishing and dreaming. No reality.

Harley, you were nothing. All talk of marriage and love ended the moment I put my foot down and he realized if he was going to have you in his life he was going to have to make it real, no more fantasies. You were a diversion, nothing more. You weren’t soul mates. You weren’t destined to be together. You hadn’t finally found “the one”. You were just a sad, pathetic affair partner who happened to be in the right place at the right time, and who he now doesn’t even want to be reminded of.

Editor’s Note:  Again, that didn’t work out entirely the way I thought it was going to.  Live and learn, I suppose. I still believe this whole thing between them is going to implode and when it does it is going to be amazing.

Looking back I am struck by what a whiny, entitled baby CF is. “I’m just a paycheck and a handyman to you.  Waaaaa!  I didn’t think you’d even care that I was planning on marrying someone else while I was already married to you.”  I’m also struck by the copious amounts of bullshit I willingly ate in order to preserve my marriage.  “Oh, no, sweetie!  I love you!  How can I make this up to you?  Tell me which dance you’d like me to dance to- the choose me cha-cha?  The pick-me polka?  The stay-with-me samba?  Hey- how ‘bout the fuck you foxtrot?”  That’s what I should have offered up!

 

Whores and Hurricanes

You get a bonus entry today because that first one was so short.

Let me tell you a little story.  Some of you may find it very funny.  Some of you may find it very sad.  Some of you may find it very infuriating on my behalf, and for that, I thank you!

Anyway, a little background.  The STBX can never just get sick.  I don’t know if it’s a male thing because I do have a brother who has been known to cry out, “Call the ambulance!  I can’t hold on any longer!” whenever he’s sick.  My niece, his daughter, is the same way though so maybe it’s not a male thing.  Nonetheless, the STBX never has a simple cold, the simple flu, a simple migraine, a simple anything.  It’s always A MAJOR DISASTER!  One of the last times I was in charge of caring he came down with the flu.  For two days he puked and shit.  Sorry if that’s TMI.  He would tell me how weak he was. He was dizzy and could hardly walk or stand. He could barely make it from the bed to the toilet and back.   So so so weak.  I was sympathetic at the time.  I played nursemaid.  I bought him popsicles and Gatorade and chicken broth and did the whole Florence Nightingale thing. I checked on him, asked him if he needed anything, brought him whatever he asked for, wiped his brow.  The whole nine yards.  On the third day it had not let up so I called his doctor and asked if I should bring him in or take him to the ER.  Did you get that?  I CALLED THE DOCTOR!  This is important information for later.  I ended up taking him in and we both hear the nurse in the hallway say, “He looks like he’s about to die!” I’m sure this sent the drama queen into overdrive. “OMG, I’m going to die!  The nurse even said so and I’m so sick I can’t tell the difference between fact and hyperbole!” FYI (if it even needs to be said):  I was very sympathetic at the time.  This is not the way I reacted when he was actually going through this.  I was, as always, the dutiful wife, offering my husband a shoulder to lean on (literally!) and soothing his frantic mind by telling him everything was going to be ok.  The doctor comes in, tells him it’s probably viral, gives him a shot to stop the nausea and a prescription to stop the diarrhea. He tells him if he wants to go ahead and go to the ER for fluids he can and if it was him he probably would but it’s up to him.  He tells him if he continues puking and shitting to definitely go to the ER for fluids.  We pick up the prescription and head home.

Fast forward a few hours. There has been no more puking or diarrhea but he has decided he is just too weak and he needs to go to the ER.  OK, fine.  I think he even made some comment about how I can just drop him off.  Yeah, right.  First, I would never do that.  I’m a nurturer.  I’ve taken care of him for 20+ years; I’m not going to drop him off in the ER parking lot and say, “So long, sucker!”  Second, even if I were to drop him off and go back home to TAKE CARE OF OUR KIDS I would never hear the end of it.  I’m not stupid.  So, I take him to the ER, leaving our two kids to fend for themselves while I take care of him.  The kids were 12 and 14 at the time so not babies, toddlers or any other type of small child; however, I had planned on taking them to dinner and CF decided he couldn’t hold on any longer moments before we were getting ready to leave.  So, when I say I left them to fend for themselves, I was not kidding.  Add in the fact that despite their ages I’m still not wild about leaving them alone in the house at night; I was at the ER with him until almost 2 in the morning.  With a dead cell phone.  Back to the story…

We wait for probably 2 hours out in the waiting room and he finally gets a room where they hook him up to an IV and pump some fluids into him.  After several more hours the doctor comes in and tells him that one of his levels is still low. This means they have cause to admit him IF HE WANTS or he can go home if he would be more comfortable in his own bed and come back if he is still feeling weak.  He is mulling this over, trying to figure out what to do when I interject and tell him that he should let them admit him because if he goes home he’s just going to worry himself to death (oops, probably wrong choice of words).  Stay here, let them continue to give you fluids, and you’ll come home tomorrow.  Did you get that?  I SUGGESTED HE STAY IN THE HOSPITAL!  Again, this is very important information for later.

Approximately two weeks later he is telling his sister that not only was he DYING during those events, but also I had written that he was annoying me and wasting my time. When I say he told her he was dying he was not intending to exaggerate; he really meant it.  He told her he was literally dying and had to be filled with liter after liter of fluid.  “And the human body can only hold xxx liters of fluid! Just ask your husband!” A low potassium level has suddenly devolved into a life or death situation.  I can hear it now:  Code Blue, Room 666, Code Blue.  We’ve got a low potassium level.  We’re losing him! I need more saline NOW, dammit!  To be very clear I NEVER SAID OR WROTE THAT- EVER!  He also managed to turn a 36 hour stay (if you include time spent in the ER) into a two and a half day stay. Not to mention that he managed to turn a bout with the flu into a near death experience.

Now what on earth does any of that have to do with whores and hurricanes, you may be asking yourself?  I will tell you.

We were recently under a hurricane watch/warning.  We were on the lookout for flash floods and high winds.  We were supposed to lose electricity.  In short it was a rainy, dreary mess.  Do you want to guess who wasn’t around for any of this?  Who thought it was more pertinent to go hang with his whore than to stick around for his children whom he loves so much?  If you guessed the STBX you would be correct!  Yes, the same person who was whining about what a cold, heartless bitch I was, complaining about what a waste of time he was and how he was annoying me, when he was DYING in the hospital, is the same person who left his kids behind to go fuck his whore and play Daddy of the Year to her kids.  During a state of emergency and hurricane watch.  Folks, I think we all know when a nurse talks candidly to the doctor and says, “He looks like he’s about to die!” she doesn’t really mean he’s about to die.  It means the patient looks bad and she’s exaggerating for effect.  However, when the governor of your state stands before the media and says, “I”m declaring a state of emergency,” he’s not bullshitting!  With that in mind, let’s re-examine the facts.  I call the doctor for him with no prompting from him and take him to his appointment.  I later take him to the ER, sit with him for hours, and encourage him to stay because he’ll worry himself to death if he goes home.  I even take our kids to go visit him the next day and buy him a damn gift.  What did we get in the face of a fucking hurricane? Not a single text to either of his kids asking if they were ok over the course of the weekend. Not even a, “Bye, Felicia!”

I know that his version of his near death experience and my reaction to it never happened, but even if I had been irritated with him AT LEAST I WAS THERE!  There was the potential for very serious fall out from this hurricane and he’s off fucking his whore instead of being there for his kids!  Maybe I should go around telling everyone:  OMG!  There was a hurricane headed RIGHT FOR US and WE ALMOST DIED and he DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK!  Can you believe that?  Let me repeat:  WE ALMOST DIED!!!!  Our whole town flooded and the stores were bare and he told me it was more important that he be with the love of his life and his brand new insta-family than with his bratty kids that only thought of him as a wallet.  His life was finally looking up and he wasn’t going to stay behind and die with us!

I mean, that story has a kernel of truth to it.  The governor did declare a state of emergency and there was the *possibility* of the hurricane hitting the coast.  So, yeah totally, let’s say the damn thing was headed right towards us!  We were issued a flash flood warning and 46, almost 47 years ago, I believe it was the aftermath of Hurricane Camille that decimated a town only an hour from us so sure, let’s go with the town flooded.  That’s how he does it.  And Walmart was out of 2% milk and most of the bread so I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say the shelves were completely bare.  I mean really, why stick to the truth when lies are so much more convenient, so much more dramatic and thrilling?

I was also thinking about his near death experience and how he felt I wasn’t properly paying homage to him when I realized that someone who actually could have died was ME years ago when I had an ectopic pregnancy. I began spotting early in the pregnancy.  They took blood to check HCG levels and did ultrasound after ultrasound.  Transvaginal. They looked for over a week, I believe, and couldn’t find it.  When they did finally find it I WASN’T ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE FUCKING OFFICE UNTIL I HAD MADE A DECISION!  That’s when you know it’s some serious shit.  They don’t say:  Oh, well, it’s up to you.  You can go to the ER to have them put some fluids in you.  I probably would if I were you, but it’s up to you.  And they don’t say, once you’re at the ER, if you’re dying or in a really bad situation:  We can admit you if you’d like.  But if you’d be more comfortable at home in your own bed you can go home and come back if you relapse.  No, if you go to the doctor’s and you’re in a life or death situation, like, oh, say an ectopic pregnancy, they say:  Sure, you can call your husband and discuss it with him.  But you’re not leaving this office until you’ve either scheduled surgery to have it removed or you pull your pants down, bend over and get the methotrexate shot.

Would you like to hear what happened in this life or death situation? I bet if you think really hard you can probably guess what happened. I called my dear husband and told him what was going on, told him what my choices were, asked him to come be with me.  This was our third pregnancy loss in about 16 months. His reply was that he was at work, a major client was in and there was no way he could leave.  I believe he did tell me he was sorry.

Let me get this straight.  He apparently had reason to cheat on me because, in his own mind, he was DYING and I was not fawning over him enough, I suppose.  I was actually IN a life or death situation and he couldn’t even bother to fucking be there with me!  Say what you will about my bedside manner (and again, I NEVER wrote or said those things) AT LEAST I WAS THERE!  That’s a hell of lot more than he can say. He can continue to manufacture the truth to make it seem like I was a cold, heartless bitch that didn’t love him but he can’t ever say I wasn’t there.  I was there time after time.  He was rarely there for me.  And when it came time to choose between the whore or the hurricane… well, I guess he figured the kids and I could just ride that hurricane out if it came down to it.  He was going to be riding his whore and no hurricane was going to get in the way of that!

The Whole Sad Story, Part 1.5

When we last left off our heroine was bravely throwing a party for her daughter and preparing to board an airplane a few days later to go to her step-father’s funeral.  Do my husband and his whore have perfect timing or what?

I truly believe he thought that once he said he chose me he figured that would be the end of it.  Unfortunately for him that’s not the way it worked out.  I had lots of questions and I had learned from my last go around that if you didn’t strike while the iron was hot you weren’t going to get any answers.  I spent a lot of time asking him questions about what all had gone on.  I also outlined several deal breakers for me.  1.  No contact with the whore.  I told him I didn’t care if her entire family died in a fiery explosion he wasn’t to so much as send a sympathy card. 2.  Marital counseling. 3. Give me all your passwords and get the damn passcode off your phone.  4.  Do not discuss our marital problems with your sister.  She was the person he would confide in and is a big proponent of doing whatever makes you happy.  I suppose that explains why she’s been married three times and never gets a divorce until she’s got the next husband waiting in the wings.  Her advice to him?  You deserve to be happy; you should do whatever makes you happy.  Now keep in mind he was gushing about how happy his whore was making him this entire time.

We spent a lot of time texting back and forth, especially while I was out of state.  I found out lots of interesting things, like how they had said they loved each other, how she suggested he move all of us closer to his home state (this is what led to him seeking his current place of employment), how she sent him naked pictures all summer long, how they talked about all the things they wanted to do with one another.  I found out they have almost nothing in common. She doesn’t like movies or television and my husband spends his life in front of the tv.  She’s a hard core liberal and he’s a hard core conservative.  Then again, they’re both lying cheaters so maybe that’s a common denominator that will keep them together.  I discovered that he would leave our house every morning and text her good morning and then they would talk the entire drive to work and text all day long.  I found out she told him every little mundane thing that went on in her little mundane world and that he liked that.  I discovered that on the weekends, when he was supposedly going for coffee, he was actually using that time to text her.  I found out that despite the fact his parents knew what happened they continued to associate with her and fawn over her numerous profile pictures.  I found out that within days of them beginning their affair she was telling him she could envision a future with him and that when he ended it with her she cried because she really thought he was going to leave me for her.  I found out she asked if my kids would like and get along with her kids, and if my kids would like her.  I discovered that when my daughter was taken to the ER he had told her he was going to the hospital and then updated her after the crisis was averted.  I found out that when her husband discovered their texts once again my husband asked her what she was going to do.  Her reply:  I’m not going to do anything.  I don’t care if he knows.

I should have known that recovery was not going to go well when we had our first counseling session and he got pissed because I told the counselor what had been going on.  He accused me of being “fucking perfect” on our drive home.  Mind you, he didn’t speak up or give his own version of the events.  Nope, just sat there.  When I asked him about it he said he was hoping that we could “focus on the future”.  I believe that’s code for:  Let’s just forget this ever happened.

Hell, I should have known recovery wasn’t going well when he sent me the text that supposedly ended it and it was a text FROM HER to him, telling him that they just couldn’t do this any more.  She was acting like the heroine from some low budget movie.  And his response revolved all around honor and duty.  “I need to be a better man!”  Fuck that!  I wanted him to tell the bitch it was over and that he loved his wife!  When I questioned him he admitted that yes, she had sent the text, but he had actually called her right after our conversation and ended it.  He told her that I knew and she asked what they were going to do.  He told her it was over and she began to cry.  Then he told her that he could never leave me and said good-bye.  That’s not really what I asked for, is it?  I even brought it up in counseling but at that point what could he do?  The counselor asked me if I wanted him to make contact with the whore.  Well, when you put it like that…. of course not!  But the fact remains I never got my text message where he ended it.  I was never given that satisfaction.

I should have known recovery was not going well when I got a little depressed a few weeks after D-Day and was asking him some more questions.  He was frustrated despite me telling him from the beginning that this might go on for a while and it wasn’t going to be an overnight fix.

I should have known recovery was not going to go well when he went back to visit his family in September and I began asking him more questions yet again.  Keep in mind his parents live about an hour away from the whore, so me even being amenable to him going there by himself was a sign of (misplaced) trust on my part.  He eventually turned it around into a “Woe is me” thing.  Yeah, poor poor baby, having to answer questions because you cheated on your wife.

It was around this time period that he brought up moving to our current location.  I have to hand it to him; he’s very good at playing the victim.  It began with “I know you don’t want to move.  I’ll just give up on this idea.  I’ll learn to be happy here.”  The middle involved him telling me that he thought he’d end up in a mental ward if he had to stay isolated out where we were.  It ended with me insisting that the goal was for all of us to be happy and the kids would adjust and I’d be happy wherever he was; we needed to do what was good for our future.

In October I came across messages between him and a relative from early May.  In them he was asking if he could bring a “guest” with him and went on to tell him that it was a female guest.  Went further to tell him that he couldn’t say much because he needed to protect “the innocent” but he would one day be related to her (in other words, he was going to marry the bitch as soon as he divorced his wife). That was when I found out she was going to get a tattoo with him- a symbol of their true love.

I refused to come home that night at first.  He was frantic and threatened to kill himself if I left him.  I did eventually come back that evening.

The next day he asked me if I wanted to go get coffee and I said I didn’t.  He acted all sad, and once again, like he was the victim.  I finally told him:  I didn’t understand at first why this upset me so much.  I knew the two of you had told each other you loved one another, so I couldn’t figure out why this gutted me.  But now I realize it’s because it was always serious with the two of you.  Pretty much from the first moment you two got involved it was serious.

What I was realizing was that this conversation was taking place within about 2 weeks after they began their affair.  Two weeks!  In two weeks time he had decided to throw away his wife and kids for a cousin who lives over a thousand miles away!  They love each other.  They’re planning a life together.  It was gut wrenching.

We talked about it a little bit more and that’s when I found out his first confession was false- there had never been multiple women.  It was always only her and he had told me there were three of them to protect her and make their relationship seem less serious.  He insisted that they had never met up and said that was proof right there that he wasn’t really that into her.  Obviously if he didn’t try harder to see her in person then he must not have really wanted to hook up.  He told me that she was the biggest mistake of his life, that he thought maybe she was a mid-life crisis and that he should have bought a motorcycle.  He told me he talked to her the way he wanted to be able to talk to me; in fact, he thought maybe he was using her as a replacement for me, his real true love.  He told me he had blocked her phone number on his phone.  And then he asked if we could not talk about this for a few days because it was causing him so much anxiety.

It was the last time we talked about his affair.

In the meantime we took a romantic vacation for his birthday (the first time we did that since we had had kids) and he did get the job that he wanted, which meant another cross country move that would take us mere hours away from her.  I kept an eye on her through social media.  The weekend that the kids and I were flying back from a weekend of house hunting I noticed that her husband had taken down his profile picture; it had been a picture of them on their wedding day and he had put it up right after she and CF had supposedly ended their affair.  She also was no longer listed as one of his friends.  That set off alarm bells but I pushed them away.  After all, my husband and I were happy.  We were happier than we had been in a long time.  We did date nights! We had taken a family vacation!  We had lots more sex!  We did everything together!  I even texted him all day long despite the fact that it always felt like he was replacing her with me.

The day that the movers came I had to run down and sign some papers and have them delivered back to my husband (he was already living in our new location while I was taking care of everything back at our old location).  Once he got the documents he told me his name was spelled wrong and they suggested that they only put his name on the deed and they’ll add mine later.  I lost my shit and came right out and asked him if he was planning on divorcing me once we got to the new location.  “Oh my God, why would you ask that?  I’m crying now!”  I called him up and told him it looked like she and her husband were in the midst of a divorce and it was a little too much of a coincidence that she and her husband were divorcing just as we were moving closer.  At this point he told me he gave less than a fuck what *that* person was doing.  He had no idea what she was doing and he didn’t care.  He told me he would have the documents sent to me again and we would have to do it all over again.  I believed him. Turns out they could use the documents I signed after all; my name was put on the deed.

During the time leading up to me and the kids leaving I gave him a few outs.  I remember telling him once:  When I get out there I’m not leaving.

For his part he told me he was constantly worried that I was going to tell him I wasn’t coming out there.  I would visit but I wasn’t moving. In hindsight I wish I had taken that advice.

We moved.  Things seemed to be going great. We bought furniture for the house.  I decorated.  I got a new car. The kids finally got a new trampoline.  Then sometime after our anniversary and the holidays he began a downward spiral.  At first I thought it was due to a movie that had come out that was triggering bad memories.  I saw a text message where he told his sister that he never should have tried to be happy and that I hated him.

I found more text messages over the next few months.  He would tell his sister I hated him; he flat out lied about a hospital stay and how I had written that he was annoying me and wasting my time.  She begged him to leave me and told him I was crazy and wrong and that he deserved so much better.  He told his best friend that I hadn’t checked on him all day, that I just left him upstairs to cry by himself.  He knew I hated him and I probably just stayed for the money.

Where was all this coming from?  It turns out his “best friend” found my other Facebook page, a page with no friends on it that I used as a blog to write about my feelings regarding his whore, his affair, and his family who chose her over me.  He let my drama queen husband know all about it and would feed him information.  This is the same man who, if I didn’t like a gift he bought for me, would consider it a personal affront and proof positive that he was the worst person in the world, so why on earth this “friend” would tell him about it is beyond me.  I suppose he figured they were roommates during college so he knew him much better than I possibly could after twenty years of marriage despite the fact that they had only seen each other a handful of times over the years.  For the record, a good 90% of what was on that page was pictures of her, making fun of her, memes, talking about the betrayal I felt over his family not cutting ties with her, and other such innocuous stuff.  Maybe 10% was about our relationship and not even all of that was negative.  Our anniversary would trigger me and I would write about how sad I was and how I felt like our anniversary was fake.  Nothing about him or what a horrible person he was or how much I hated him.  Just me having a hard time dealing with our anniversary.  Apparently I’m not allowed to feel that way.  My bad!

To make matters worse all during this time he wouldn’t talk to me about what was bothering him.   Like I said, he began this downward spiral around the holidays and I didn’t discover for another 6-8 weeks that he had read my page. For my part once I realized what had happened I shut the page down immediately.  I had no idea how to bring it up because I never felt like there was a good time.  Either he was so depressed and pitiful and I didn’t want to rub salt in the wound, or he was finally having somewhat of a good day and I didn’t want to bring him down.

He finally seemed to be headed on the road to recovery (probably had started up with the whore again). I remember telling friends I was done with his affair.  I didn’t want to think about it anymore.  I didn’t want to dwell on it.  I no longer cared about her or what she was doing.  I didn’t even regularly read the infidelity blogs that I had bookmarked.  We were good.  We were in a good place and I was ready to move on.  Things were looking up and I was eager to get back to our new location and to resuming my life there.  All thoughts of the affair and the whore were over.  I was more positive than I had been in a long time since our move.

Maybe I should have been more concerned when he blew off our family vacation to go on a “business” trip and then opted to go visit his mom at the end of that trip.