What Part of, “I’ve Forgiven Him!” Don’t You Understand?

February 2015

My MIL called me last night. She was checking up on my husband because she hadn’t been able to get ahold of him. She knew he had planned on going to church and was saying that she hoped he continued to go and that it helped, and that she had heard he was supposed to see a psychiatrist and she hoped that helped, too. Then she went on to say she hoped he got better and that we got back to where we needed to be. What? Um, we’re fine. She went on about how the past was the past and I needed to forgive him and she was sorry for anything she might have done to me and she hoped I would forgive her. Everyone makes mistakes. And she knows it’s difficult because she went through it with her own husband years ago.

There are so, so many things I want to address in all of this mess. I’m not sure I can focus enough to get it all out there. But first, I HAVE forgiven him. I moved 2000 fucking miles across the country and completely uprooted my children and their lives, along with my own, in support of him. I would call that forgiveness. If I wanted to dwell on what he had done I would have never moved. Because, once again, our current town will always be Whoreville to me. I’m here because of my husband and his whore and their sweet little plans to be closer together. No matter how much I may come to like it here (and that’s doubtful) it will always be tainted by the fact they plotted to move my family here so they could carry on their affair. It was all put into motion once she started promising blow jobs and anal sex. I’m still here, still living with him. If I was going to kick his ass out I would have done it when I first found out he was still lying to me and cheating on me. I’m not softening him up for the blow. And I don’t believe in staying with a cheater and then using that to throw in the cheater’s face for the rest of his or her life. If you’re going to stay, make peace with the situation. I know some people say you can rebuild without forgiving, so I won’t say forgive and move on. But, you definitely need to make your peace with it and I have made my peace with him. I even do my best to not think about why I’m living here, 2000 miles away from my friends, my support system, my social life, my volunteer activities, because if I were to dwell on it I would cry. Harley and Zack fucked my life up spectacularly. Once my loving husband set the wheels into motion they didn’t stop just because he supposedly stopped fucking around with his whore of a cousin. Nope, they were going to send him (us) here come Hell or high water. So, you wanna play the past is the past? Oh, you bet your sweet ass it is. I’ve buried that motherfucker deep because I would be overcome with rage if I didn’t.

As for being sorry for whatever it is she’s done to me… well, that’s nice, but since you don’t even realize what it is that you did I’m not sure it means that much to apologize for it. And once again, I’ve made my peace with it. They will never change. I love them but I can’t have a relationship with them like I used to. I have tried and tried to envision a way that I’m ok with loving them, hanging around with them, visiting them, supporting them, sharing holidays, vacations, memories with them, and all the time knowing they love and support her, my husband’s whore. I will never feel safe. I know the minute he decides to toss me aside and replace me they will welcome my replacement with open arms and I don’t know how to have a relationship with people like that. I wish I could live in the moment, not worry about the what ifs. But when you’ve already been confronted with that I think it’s more difficult to pretend like it won’t happen. Everything about it just feels false. Oh, you love me. Oh, now you don’t love me because my husband no longer wants to fuck me. It’s not me they want to have a relationship with. It is my title. Whoever assumes the title of his wife is the one they want to have a relationship with. At this point I don’t even feel comfortable attending family events because I always assume the whore has been invited as well. And that would not end well. If we are ever in the same space I am about 99% certain everyone in that space will know exactly what she and my husband did. I find the whole situation sad. I find it sad that I am undoubtedly cast as the bad guy even though I was the one that was cheated on, and Zack and Harley were the cheaters. I’m the bad guy even though Jezebel was the one who lied to me, encouraged my husband to leave me, and talked trash about me. That’s just the way it is with them. Then you add in the humiliation factor, wondering if everyone is talking about you, your husband’s affair, how you compare to the sainted whore, how sad it is that you got cheated on and what on earth you did to “deserve” it. It’s an all around yucky feeling.

They are planning on coming to visit over Spring Break and I’m now waiting for her to come at me over Jezebel. The past is in the past. Everyone makes mistakes. Again, I’m trying to envision a way I’m ok with anything beyond superficial niceties and I’m once again coming up blank. How do you reconcile the fact that the person you are spending holidays with, confiding in, and creating memories with, will turn on you the minute her brother decides he wants to fuck someone else? Maybe it’s easier for her because she’s spent her whole life using people for what they can give her. So, she takes everything her in-laws can do for her and laps it up and when she moves on to the next husband it’s no big loss because now she has a new set of in-laws that can do new things for her. Or, to put it another way: It’s not about the relationship she shares with these people. It’s what all that relationship gives her. It would be like having a SIL that takes you on lavish vacations and shopping sprees. You like the person ok, but when the relationship ends you miss everything your SIL did for you a lot more than you miss the actual person. I even try to envision spending time with her on a superficial level. I say hello, how are you. When asked how I am I say, “Fine.” It doesn’t go beyond that. How are things in Whoreville? Fine. How are the kids adjusting? Fine. Just keeping everything superficial. Not excited about anything. I try to imagine having to go to her new house and be polite. Meet new people that I will only see every 3-5 years. I honestly believe I would hate it. I would feel like I was crawling out of my skin. Having to feign interest in everything she has and has done. You can’t be too noncommittal because then you’re considered rude and once again, you’re the bad guy. But treating her like someone I actually care about and have an interest in? I’m a good actress but I’m not that good. Besides, I don’t care if everyone knows the relationship has changed. Trying to imagine sitting outside at her fire pit. I suppose I would listen as everyone talked and not join in. Nothing to say. I would play the part of the uninvolved observer. Quietly listening and observing, not interjecting my own thoughts because I don’t wish to give anyone a glimpse of me. See? All of that seems so terribly complicated. So much easier to just stay away. There is no relationship so why create an artificial one? For her? Why? I don’t give a fuck about what she wants. She didn’t care about me and what I might have wanted. I’d like to return the favor.

Wow- ok, I think I did get most of it out. I can’t think of anything else really. I just keep trying to imagine these re-structured relationships and I have an incredibly hard time wrapping my head around it. It’s so much easier to avoid it.

More of Poor Pitiful Zack

January 2015

Zack has been very sick (like, hospitalized sick) and has also been dealing with extreme anxiety. Lots of war issues. I noticed though that he would ask, “How can you ever forgive me? How can I make it up to you?” And I started thinking, why would I need to forgive him for what he did in war? Why would be need to make it up to me? So now I’m wondering if he was actually talking about his EA. He was in such rough shape I didn’t ask if we were still talking about the war. In my mind, though, that’s what he was asking about.

Present Day Sam Says: If I’m being honest I would like to believe that he really was struggling with believing I didn’t love him. Because that would mean he did actually love me. But in a twist of fate if that really was what happened then it’s too easy to try to take responsibility for what he ultimately chose to do.

If I believe he was psychotically depressed over the thought of losing me, that he was suicidal at the thought, then it’s too easy to me to say, “See? It’s your fault. If only you had reassured him he wouldn’t have left. If you didn’t have that alternate Facebook page then you’d still be married. YOU caused all of this! You have no one to blame except yourself!”

Here’s the thing: Regardless of whether or not he thought I would never forgive him (Newsflash: I had! I moved across the damn country for him!) the way he chose to solve this dilemma was entirely, completely and utterly wrong. He had many options and yet the one he chose was to cheat on me. He chose to confide in others who were only too eager to urge him to move on and leave me. When the cuntface cum dumpster called him he could have refused the call. He could have told me she called him. He could have been honest. That would have required some courage on his part, though, and he is sorely lacking in courage.

Likewise, if he was truly so unhappy and felt unloved and like we could never repair our relationship he could have left before he found himself a new true love. I’m so sick and tired of hearing about all these pansy ass cheaters who are “so miserable” and yet never find the “courage” to leave until they’ve got somebody else to fuck.

Yes, nothing shows conviction like tossing aside your wife or husband once you’ve encountered someone you want to nail.

And the Adjustment Continues

September 2014

Aaaaaand the other shoe has dropped. Took my daughter to a new gym yesterday to work out and see how she liked it. It seemed like everything was going fine but once in the car she said she wasn’t having any fun. So, she’s decided to quit. We aren’t even checking out the other gym. So, Whoreville has taken yet another thing. I have officially crushed my child’s dreams. Six months ago she wanted to compete in college. Yesterday she quit. I’m trying very hard to keep this about her and what she wants. I knew her teammates were very important and played a huge part in her life. I knew the teams out here were small and might not provide the social aspect. I thought she might quit after this season but I didn’t expect this.

I just bought a new car that gets great gas mileage based on taking her an hour away 4-5 times a week. If she was going to quit I could have bought an older car. I didn’t need the more expensive hybrid. I could have bought what I wanted instead of focusing on gas mileage.

On the bright side I’m saving $315 a month in gym fees, $500 in coaching fees, and probably another $800 for entry fees. Plus, a new leo, new warm ups, new bag. Yippee! I’m rolling in the dough. And I don’t have to drive to the whore’s city, even if it’s not really her city, just a city with the same name. I don’t have to drive an hour and 15 minutes to either city.

On the negative side, and yes, I know this is all about me, I’ll never post another video of her doing gymnastics. I’ll never again be able to brag about how strong she is or what incredible athletes gymnasts are. I’ll never again get to say, “Look what my kid can do!” I’ll never see another Yurchanko and she’ll never perfect hers. I’ll never see new tricks and quite honestly, it won’t be long before she can’t do her old tricks. I’m no longer a gym mom or a hockey mom. I get to do whatever I want and not be constrained by my kids’ schedules in a town where I know no one and have nothing to do. The schedule is already wide open and now is even wider.

Gosh, Harley, aren’t you sad you didn’t get to make this move? Aren’t you sad you didn’t get to uproot your kids’ lives and crush their dreams? Cos God knows I live for this shit.

September 2014

Thank you, Whore! Last week my daughter quit gymnastics. Today my son was crying and didn’t want to go to school because he says he has no friends at school. Thank you! If you and my husband hadn’t decided to toss aside your wedding vows and started fucking around this wouldn’t have happened. If you two didn’t stupidly convince yourselves you were soul mates and start plotting to be together he never would have pushed to get the Whoreville plant. We’d still be living where we were. I’d still be happy. My kids would still be happy. My daughter would still be a gymnast; my son would still be a hockey player. So thanks, Whore. Thank you so very much for helping to put things into motion. Too bad you couldn’t have convinced him to leave me for you. Then you could be stuck in this hell hole while my kids and I stayed in our former state, taking a huge chunk of his check for alimony and child support, plus extracurriculars. And he would have given me anything I asked for because he would have felt guilty for abandoning his kids in favor of you and your kids, if you managed to keep them. Again, thank you, you fucking whore.

Present Day Sam Says: I find it amazing how naive I was. The hits in 2014 seemed horrible but they were nothing compared to what my life would be like less than a year from this point. Two years later I would be even lower. There I was all stressed out over gymnastics and hockey dreams ending and I had no idea that two years later everything would end. I would be homeless if not for my mom. I would lose everything. My kids would lose all their new friends. My daughter would lose all the sports at her new school. The hopes and dreams Harley and Cousinfucker took away from them in 2014 were nothing compared to everything they stole from them later on. I hope they both rot in hell. Unfortunately, I think people like that rarely get what’s coming to them.

I also like to look back and see how much I underestimated I him. Guilt? Oh good God, what was I thinking? He has no guilt! Only an endless need for pity. If I had divorced him back in 2013 he probably would have decided he had PTSD back then and quit. Then again, I hadn’t yet made that leap for him yet so unless Harley was on the ball… I can’t even begin to find the adjectives that will be strong enough to convey the disgust I have with him.

After The Move

This is actually a bit of a misnomer seeing as how we moved a few entries ago. I wanted to differentiate though because this was supposed to be the fresh start. This was supposed to make him happy and all of our troubles were supposed to go away.

These Blasts From the Past don’t seem to be read as much as my other stuff but if you’ve read this far and you’re one of those who normally skip over anything from my past I will tell you that from this point forward most of my musings are much more philosophical. They are more like normal blog entries would be. I examine what it means to move forward after adultery rocks your marriage. I apparently didn’t do a very good job because he cheated on me again.

The other thing I would point out is the irony surrounding everything I wrote back then. It is stunning everything I endured and put up with while trying to right this wreck. 

If you choose to read these next Blasts From the Past you will get to come along on my journey through Hell while my husband slowly spiraled out of control and I kept trying to hold everything together.

August 2014

My one year anti-versary came and went. The house was full of family and I was busy unpacking so I didn’t dwell on it. The whore didn’t contact me. I have to say I’m a bit surprised but she may be too busy wrecking someone else’s life to remember to contact me and let me know what a great love they shared.

My husband is not doing well. His anxiety is terrible. He worries that he has ruined all of our lives. Makes it hard for me to throw a tantrum and cry and tell him how much I hate it here. And I just keep thinking, “You’d better get it together. We moved because you said you were miserable and wanted to be closer to your family. This new town reminded you of your home state. So get with the program. You could have been miserable out in our former state and I would have been perfectly happy. No use in both of us being miserable. Get help!” It’s so frustrating. And I always start to wonder if he’s so anxious because he’s starting to crack under the pressure of carrying on his double life with Harley. I know. I shouldn’t. But I do. I don’t know if that will ever go away. I hope it does.

I’ve been busy buying new furniture. I bought a pie safe. Yeah, I know. What the hell is a pie safe? Whatever it is it was $800! That will go in the dining room. I spent almost $200 on bar stools, $150 on a cabinet for the laundry room, and just over $5000 on new furniture for the family room and formal living room. New sectional, coffee table, end table, sofa table, couch, and chair. And then I turned around and spent $1000 at Target. It was about half new tv and half back to school supplies and clothes, although there was a new trash can and two floor mats in there as well. I got tired of going out for stuff we needed for the house.

Present Day Sam Says: I look back on all of this and I am just amazed at how naive I am in these posts. I’m going out blithely spending money to decorate and furnish our new home. I had no idea that a year later everything would fall completely apart.

Always spackling as well. Poor Cousinfucker isn’t doing well but I can’t let him know my true feelings because it might upset him. Let’s continue to give him the benefit of the doubt. We can’t continue to “punish” the poor dear. He’s so helpless and anxiety ridden.