Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

August 2015

Texted him good morning around 11 and then that he would need to pick up Rock Star from cheerleading tomorrow.  He finally texted back around 3:30 so I asked him if he was on the road.  No, not yet.  I texted him around 5 to ask if he was on the road again or if he was just going to stay another day.  Haven’t heard back from him.

Then, since I’ve been keeping track of all our expenses I checked the account.  Another $228 to Wal-Mart.  In Whore Town.  Surely he can’t be that stupid, can he?  He said before he didn’t know why it would say Whore Town because she had bought stuff in a different city.

I hate this!  He won’t be home until at least 11. Probably later.  And I don’t give a shit how tired he is tomorrow.

Next fucking time he goes to his home state I’m trailing his ass down there.  I don’t care how I have to do it.  I’m sick of this.  I’m sick of being a basket case.  I’m sick of wondering why the hell his phone is tied to his side.  I’m sick of wondering if he’s going to leave me or if he no longer loves me.  He better not have brought me here only to turn around and leave me.

And it gets better.  Jezebel posted pictures of her and Zack, captioned a surprise visit from my brother.  Haven’t seen him in almost 2 years.  Not only does Harley like the pictures, but her sister says, “I seen him at the family reunion.  It had been years!  It was great to see him.  So glad you all got to get together.”  WHAT?  What fucking family reunion?  I’m hoping it was autocorrect and she meant she say it has been years.  It damn well better be.  I mean, I know his cousin died.  That’s not in dispute.  But I guess the funeral really could have taken place on Friday at 1 and then he could have gone to this family reunion.

 

The Day Before D-Day

August 2015

No better today.  I ended up texting him around 8 last night.  Got no reply so I called.  He was napping.  He’s not planning on leaving until around 2 or 3 this afternoon.  I got to see pictures of him and Jezebel on FB.  Always good to know he’s hanging around her.  My mom is pissed since I told her he’s no longer seeing his psychologist and he went to His home state again.  I’m not very happy about it either.  I can’t stand confrontation but I’m not sure how else things will move forward.  How does he not see it’s wrong to stay holed up in the bedroom while he’s home, ignoring me and the kids, but he can drive to his home state for a funeral of a cousin he has barely spoken to in 20+ years?  He’s planning on driving to see Blockhead soon and then he’s going to his fucking reunion in October.

I’m tired of being portrayed as the bad guy.  I’m not the one who cheated.  I’m not the one who lied all summer long.  I’m not the one who hasn’t been around for years at a time.  I’m not the one encouraging people to leave their spouse.  So why the hell am I the one feeling like I have to fix everything?

I’m picking Rock Star up at noon and then I think I’m taking a pill to help calm my nerves.  I keep telling myself to breathe and to slow down.  He loves me.  He fears every day that I’m going to leave him.  He’s not having an affair.  You don’t have all the facts and you’re going off half cocked.  I’m just ready to die and the only thing that keeps me going is my kids.  I can’t do that to them.

 

Two Days Before D-Day

August 2015

It’s now 5:41 and I have yet to hear from my dear husband today.  I decided to wait it out and see if he would text me first.  I guess not.  I guess it completely slips his fucking mind that him being in his home state, a mere one hour away from HER might cause ME just a wee bit of anxiety.  Along with his staunch refusal to take either of the kids.  I think I’m going to take a pill tonight.  I just can’t function.  I’m on autopilot and thinking about crashing my car again.  Am I being totally ridiculous with wanting some contact?  I was looking at old texts from him, sent just a year ago and they are so damn different than what I get now.  Maybe it’s all the newness wearing off.  Maybe he was just missing me seeing as how we were apart.  But I miss it.  I miss what he turned into for that short amount of time.  And I’m getting pissed because he has done squat to keep in touch.  I keep telling myself that he wouldn’t cash in pretty much all of his stock on this swimming pool only to turn around and leave me.  I keep telling myself that I don’t know that Blockhead is telling him to divorce me.  I just don’t freaking know anything anymore.  He’s making me crazy and at least one of us needs to stay sane for these kids!

Present Day Sam Says:  He was probably too busy setting up his joint checking account with Harley to get back to me. Oh, and an hour away from her? No, she was there at the funeral with him. It’s date night, y’all! Complete with his mommy as chaperone and introducing her to everyone in his family!

Writing this right now makes me realize that everyone in his damn family knew that our marriage was over and that I was being replaced before I ever had a clue. Talk about humiliating.

 

Oh Facebook, You Scamp!

December 2014

Am I the only sane one who finds something offensive and disturbing about this? My mother-in-law posts this, obviously about my husband, and his whore likes it and adds her own comments. Does she not understand she shouldn’t be liking anything that has to do with my husband? Does my supposedly loving mother-in-law not see anything inappropriate about her son’s whore liking something having to do with her son? I guess not. I continue to shake my head in amazement.

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Okay, in full disclosure this was not what was posted on Tammy Faye’s wall. But again, I haven’t yet learned how to do those cool black out bars so I just have to improvise.

In this same month I also got to see: Happy Anniversary. Love you guys! on their anniversary and Happy Birthday, Pastor Fake! I hope you have a wonderful day. I love you lots!

Present Day Sam Says: I wonder if she even bothers to comment on their pages now since she doesn’t have to convince them she loves them so much and she’s the better partner for him.

Probably. She and Jezebel both live their lives through Facebook. I don’t know what they would do if Facebook suddenly went offline. How would everyone know how perfect their lives are? How would everyone know how much they love everyone? How would they know about all their wonderful deeds. Whoops! Strike that one. They don’t really post about the things they’ve done for others. Only how much everyone does for them and how happy they are and how perfect their lives are.

Our New House & Final Plans

June 2014

I know this is a shitty thing to admit but I’m not crazy about my new house. It’s ok. I don’t hate it. And we paid a shit ton of money for it. But I hate the master bathroom. HATE IT! It has this awful shower/jetted tub combo that looks like something you’d find in a cheap motel. It looks no different than your regular tub/shower combo except it’s got a button on the side that turns the jets on. I don’t recall if there is carpet in there or just cheap linoleum. Either option is disgusting. The double sink is small and is outside the actual bathroom. The area behind the door consists of the tub/shower combo and the toilet. It’s small. Smaller than our current master bath. So there’s no hope of even remodeling it. And there is carpet throughout the entire house with the exception of the kitchen and dining room. I HATE carpet. There is no place to eat in the kitchen. There is a small island that will seat two and that’s it. The appliances are old. And when you get down to it the kitchen is not that big. We’ve been talking about getting a sectional and I don’t see that happening. There are too many things I would rather put downstairs so no sectional down there, and the family room upstairs is too small for one unless you want to chop rooms up. I’m just hoping all of our bedroom furniture fits inside the master bedroom. Overall it’s not a bad house but the problems I have with it are glaring and not easily fixed. I loved the other house we looked at. It was gorgeous and I loved all the decks. But, there was no place to put a pool and Zack didn’t know how we could ever fence it and was worried an underground fence wouldn’t work. Plus, it was listed at $429,000. It’s since been reduced to $399,000. And we found out shortly after buying the house we were due almost another $20,000 that we could have used for a down payment. I’d better have a damn pool next summer. If I gave up my dream house in order to have a pool and I’m stuck with not the dream house and no pool I am going to be pissed.

Present Day Sam Says: Again, if he read this I’m sure it sent him right over the edge! How dare I not be grateful for everything he does?

Honestly, in hindsight I did grow to love the house. I don’t know if any of you have ever had to buy a house in 2 or 3 days before, but that was our situation. Like I wrote previously, I had had my eye on several different homes, most of them selling before I could look at them. There was one left and it looked amazing in the pictures, although I did have a few questions. Seeing it was just a huge disappointment and in many ways it felt like we were starting from scratch. Then we went to see one in town. It wasn’t in the right school district and it was more money than we wanted to pay, but with so few choices we went ahead and looked at it. It was amazing! If it had had the right backyard and was in the school district we wanted that’s the one we would have bought. After a few jam packed days of looking at numerous houses I was spent. And pouting.

But, he never allowed for that. He was the only one entitled to have a bad day or go off the rails.

June 2014

We (the kids and I) have created a bucket list of things we want to do before we leave. With the Boy leaving in less than two weeks to spend the month of July in Florida, and the Girl leaving 4 days later for camp we need to get all this done! Our first week of summer vacation was spent in Virginia looking for a new house. I created the list on Wednesday, just four days after we got back and said, “Holy crap! That’s a lot of stuff to get through!” So far we’ve been to the new aquarium, the zoo, The Cheesecake Factory, and Lani’s. Today we are off to the reservoir. I’m still hoping to cram in a short trip to the Grand Canyon and Four Corners. It will be a busy summer until it’s not.

I’ll have a nice break from the 6th until the 14th when my niece flies in. The movers will come pack us up the 16th and 17th. I pick up the Girl on the 17th and on the 18th the movers will load the truck and take off while my daughter is spending one last day at her gym. We’ll take off on the 19th more than likely, unless I take a very long nap that afternoon and can drive all night.

I’m not sure when they will deliver our stuff but we’re only there until August 1st and then we’re off to Florida for about a week. From there we’ll head to Indiana for my cousin’s wedding and then my mom, my niece, and my nephew will all follow us back to our new home for a week. On Tuesday the kids will start school.

And that’s how I spent my summer vacation.

Present Day Sam Says: I know. This is disturbing stuff, huh? My wife and kids were doing fun things??? My wife is planning for the future??? She sounds hideous!

June 2014

I’d like to try to say something about “new” relationships. They say once you’ve dealt with infidelity your old marriage is dead and a new one will form out of the ashes. That was a bit of dramatic license on my part.

You may very well interact differently afterwards, and it’s not always a bad thing. Here’s my take on a few tangents off of this idea.

First, I sometimes think this new relationship can be exhausting. People are not meant to sustain the high of falling in love. I read somewhere your body would actually give out and die if you attempted to keep the excitement levels that high. I’m not advocating going back to our old ways where we barely had a conversation but I often feel as though I’m on high alert all the time. Keep texting, keep flirting, be attentive at all times, don’t let more than two or three days go by without having sex, stay by his side, never do anything apart from him. I swear I start to feel guilty if he’s in the bedroom watching a show I don’t like and I go into the living room to do something I’d rather do. High alert. Exhausting. I felt guilty Wednesday because I didn’t have much of a chance to text him. I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off and I just didn’t have time. We’re still showing the house after thinking we no longer had to do so so I was busy putting the house back together.

I do try to do things I know he’ll like. He likes it when I call him my love and tell him I love him truly, madly, deeply. So I try to do that. I text him. I tell him he looks sexy. I do all sorts of things to make him feel loved.

And that brings me to my next thought. Learned helplessness versus independence. I think there’s a fine line between those two things. I’ve spent twenty years trying to show him I can do things on my own and he gets taken in by the damsel in distress routine. I’ve watched people, women, who act helpless and let the men do everything for them. It seems to work for them. The men eat it up and the women seem to do well. They use them up until they get bored and then move onto the next lucky guy. With that said I do realize my husband likes to feel needed so I’ve tried to let him help me. Unfortunately he’s one of those that quickly gets into the woe is me mindset and can’t seem to differentiate between: Oh my goodness, I’m so helpless. I need you to do everything for me because I just can’t figure it out. That means I love you and I need you. As opposed to: I can do this on my own but you definitely make my life easier and I like it when you take care of me. So I try to balance it. I try to step back and let him help me instead of showing him that I can take care of it on my own, that I don’t need him. It seems to be helping.

Present Day Sam Says: God, he was such a whiny, needy bitch ass baby man! He was more demanding than a hormonal female teenager madly in love for the first time!

July 2014

They are once again really locked down right. Both of them. I don’t think her state is an at fault state so the only thing I can think of is that she doesn’t want to give The Saint any ammo he can use against her with the kids. It’s so nice to know my husband was planning on leaving me for this narcissistic whore. I guess he wasn’t as special as he thought he was. She’ll fuck just about anything.

Added a few days later: It’s difficult to tell since both have their pages locked down but I don’t necessarily think she’s messing around with this guy. Another woman called him baby and his status is widowed. They did joke about that, though… I suppose I should take a drink and just come right out and ask Zack. If he’s hurt I could even think he’d do something like that too bad. You cheated, you revealed the master plan for you two sick fucks, and now, pretty much simultaneously we buy a house in the master location and she looks like she’s getting a divorce. Explain.

That Time I Should Have Said, “No Way!” To Moving

June 2014

I’m only going to go down this road once. I haven’t talked to Zack yet and told him about her impending divorce. Because, let’s face it, I don’t KNOW with 100% certainty that that is a fact. Definitely high odds but not 100%- maybe 90-95%. But, I remember a year ago when I ignored all the signs and always came up with a bullshit excuse for why each thing was happening. I’m not going to do that this time.

The fact is my husband has been an emotional mess for months now. That could be just the way he is. Not an outrageous conclusion. It could be that he’s under a tremendous amount of stress carrying on an affair with his whore once again while also selling a house, moving closer to her, starting a new job, keeping me in the dark even as we look for houses, and realizing that even if his kids are close by they probably won’t want to have anything to do with him.

Another fact is that just as we’re moving 2000 miles across the country, a mere 6 hours from her, it looks like she and her husband are moving towards a divorce. Coincidence? I’d like to believe so. But I also wanted to believe it was a coincidence she blocked me from Facebook the day after Zack came home and found pictures of her all around the house. Oh, the explanations I came up with- maybe they’d still been in contact but now that he knew I knew he called it off and she blocked me in a fit of anger. Maybe it was an odd coincidence. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe they were fooling around still and he simply shared with her that her pictures were all over his house. Maybe he thought perhaps I suspected something. Maybe she blocked me because they were still fucking around and he told her about it and she wanted me to know that she was still present in my life, that he refused to give her up. BINGO!

She’s growing her hair longer. He likes long hair. I’ve kept cutting mine so that I don’t look like her.

I have a few positive signs. They don’t mean much in the end because I realize he was able to successfully lie to me for months last year. He tells me he loves me, like really loves me. He tells me how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how much he wants me. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me and I’m so wonderful and he’s nothing. He says he worries that I won’t move to our new state. That one can easily be explained by the kids. No momma means no kids. In short, he says all the right things. He makes me believe he realizes what a mistake he made and how grateful he is for a second chance. Makes me believe I’m the one and he’s madly in love with me. He’s even agreed to go to Florida with us.

His mom seems intent on re-establishing a relationship with me. Why would she do that if she knew I was history? But then again, she didn’t know before and she may not know now.

I didn’t see anything incriminating on his phone when I checked last time but surely he’s smart enough to delete that crap and any references to it. It looked like a perfectly innocent conversation with his sister. She did say they hadn’t been in contact so he’s not confiding any affair to her. I thought when he said his mess was self made he was referring to his past affair and how it influenced things today. But maybe his self made problems involve his on again affair with Harley. And there are other options besides mobile texting. SnapChat is perfect for that. The text or picture deletes itself in a few seconds.

My gut is not screaming like it did last year, but I’m not sure that means anything. I find it highly suspicious that she is getting divorced just as we are moving closer, which was part of their master plan. Move him closer. They have more chances to be together. I don’t know if he ever planned on leaving me to be with her.

On one hand I can’t deny what he told his nephew. On the other hand he says he never planned on divorcing me, that was all talk and it was all stupid fantasy. I think he wants to believe that now. But back then, in the heat of it all, I think he did want to leave and marry her. He might not have had it planned out, might not have been sure on how to a accomplish it, but I think he wanted to.

I guess the question now is how do you go from her being your soul mate, the one who makes you happy and you want to marry, to no, you’re the one I’ve always loved? I was stupid and wrong and it was all a big fantasy.

I’m sure the conversation won’t be easy. He’s going to feel like I can never trust him. Oh well, you cheat on your wife and that’s what happens. Maybe I’ll even be reigniting old passions. But, I’ve got to do it. Like I said, I ignored my instincts the last time. Ignored all warning signs. I’m not going to do that this time.

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Added two days later: I hate the fact that whenever a lot of time goes by and he hasn’t texted me I wonder if it’s because he’s busy texting her. I hate being even a little bit suspicious.

Present Day Sam Says: What I discovered when I talked to The Saint was that she was having another affair at this point. She is delightful, isn’t she?

98 or 99% But Never 100%

Blast From the Past 43

May 2014

I want to clear something up. I know I’ve been talking like I’m not completely convinced it’s over between the two of them and like I’m unhappy about the move because of those fears. I no longer feel confident in believing anything having to do with my husband 100%. I can give him 98% or maybe even 99%, but 100% will forever be out of reach. I’m as confident as I can be that it’s over. That this is not a long con. That the closer proximity won’t reignite their illicit affair. But I’ll never be 100% sure. And that’s OK. As I told my therapist, what else can I do besides trust him? I can’t control him. I only control myself. I can’t prevent him from cheating on me with Harley, if that’s what he wants to do. I can only make a decision about what I’ll do if that happens. And I am 100% certain that if he ever cheats on me again I will leave him in a heartbeat. I will crush him. I will destroy him. I will suck the soul right out of his body. When I am done with him Hiroshima and Nagasaki will look like child’s play. I figure he was given two chances already. I forgave him when he came clean (somewhat reluctantly) the first time, with no details forthcoming, no idea how serious it was, and with him acting like she was just one of many. And he turned around and sniffed out his bitch again. I had no clue for almost three months and then her lovely husband was kind enough to let me know they were still fucking around. This time I got all the details and I forgave him a second time. There will be no third time.
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Added a few weeks later: So read the above carefully, Harley. It would not have been pretty, and it won’t be in the future. I will destroy him if he ever leaves. And believe me, as the woman who has been by his side the last TWENTY YEARS, it won’t take much. You won’t be skipping merrily into my old life, bringing in your own supposed upgrades. You will be dealing with a man who is a shell of his former self. One who can barely drag himself out of bed every morning. You will be in fix-it mode forever. You will be dealing with an ex-wife who is a vengeful bitch from Hell and two kids who hate your guts. There will be no blended family, no Brady Bunch ending. And if your beloved is so distraught he loses his job you’ll be trotting your happy ass off to work to pay me my alimony and child support. I wouldn’t have/won’t care if you don’t have enough to feed your kids or keep them in their activities. I’ll be thinking of my kids.  And believe me when I say I will be enjoying all the misery from my comfy seat on the sidelines.

Present Day Sam Says:  It turns out I was absolutely correct in not trusting him 100%. The minute I thought I could he turned around and cheated on me again.

Why Do We Do It?

I was reading someone’s blog the other day and he talked about how he didn’t speak up because he was afraid his wife would leave. I’m paraphrasing but he stayed on his best behavior, afraid to rock the boat or call her out, because he was afraid that any misstep on his part would cause her to leave.

I can identify with this and told him so. Now I’m left wondering, why did I do it? I used to be an opinionated person. I don’t think I ever came across as the type of person who was so desperate for a boyfriend/husband that I would let someone walk all over me. What was it that led me down this path? I feel like I need to get to the bottom of this so I can prevent it from ever happening again, but then I think back to that really bad relationship in high school and I remember how, once I was out, I said, “Never again!”

See, I knew how he did it. If you just throw a tantrum and make a big enough stink about whatever it is, you teach the person to not resist. You want to go out with friends instead of hanging out with him on a weekend? Fine, but I’ll call you names and accuse you of not loving me and I’ll start a big fight. Each and every single time. When you tell me you can’t go out or can’t do something with me, I’ll throw a fit. Every time you go somewhere I’ll start a fight with you and tell you how selfish you are. Eventually they wear you down. It becomes not worth it to go out with your friends because you know there’s going to be a huge fight about it. It becomes not worth it to resist because the payoff is so little and the payment is so high.

To my credit I never ended up in another abusive relationship again; I can still spot those red flags a mile away. But I got sucked in anyway.

One of these days I’m going to publish my bitch list. It is 21 pages of the shitty things he did or said, or stupid things I did in my quest to be the perfect wife. I won’t hit you with all 21 pages at once. I look back on that list and I think, “Why the hell did you let him get away with that?”

Some of those things were small- like when he would ask me to make him a frozen pizza. Yes, here is a college graduate, a man with a supposed genius level IQ, but he can’t manage to put a frozen pizza in the oven. “Will you make it for me?” I could have said no. I could have told him he was a big boy and he could get his ass up off the couch and put it in the oven himself. In hindsight that’s exactly what I should have done. But I was newly married and I wanted to be the best wife possible, so I did it for him. Despite his victim rants of me never having loved him I would fix his frozen pizza for him whenever he requested. I would even cut it into 8 pieces, place it on a plate, and take it to him. Probably brought him a beverage, too.

What I once thought of as being a good wife I now think he thought of as me serving him. No, of being subservient to him. It was a request, yes, but it was also so much more. Let’s see what all I can get her to do. Let’s see how far I can push this. Today it will be a pizza. Tomorrow the world! And soon after came the request for dinner at one in the morning after I had been sleeping on the couch and was ready to go to bed. Say what?

Oh yes, I had asked him when we both got home around 10 or 11 that evening if he wanted anything for dinner. He said he didn’t. He proceeded to install a ceiling fan while I dozed on the couch. I got up, fully intending to go to bed, and he tells me, “I’ll take that dinner now.” I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he said, “I could go for that dinner now.” In hindsight I should have told him firmly but with no anger or bitterness that the time for dinner had come and gone, that I was tired and heading off to bed. Instead I headed off to the kitchen and fixed him pork chops, potatoes and a vegetable. Once again, I’m looking at it as me being a good wife. He’s looking at it as an exercise to see how far he can take his entitlement. Will she do this? Will she finally rebel if I ask for that? How far can I push her? What all will she take?

Or how about when we were both working and as I was cleaning the house on Saturday I asked him why it was that I was always the one cleaning, doing laundry, making dinner, grocery shopping, and doing dishes? His response to that one was that he made more money. Apparently he thought I should do these additional household chores to even out our contributions. Again, hubris on his part and I should have shut it down hard. Why didn’t I?

I don’t know. Maybe because it didn’t happen that often? I could shrug it off. I figured it wasn’t something worth fighting over. I don’t know. What I do know is he used those things as a barometer of what kind of shit he could get away with.

Then we had kids. Once again I wanted to be the perfect wife. I didn’t want to nag. I didn’t want to be seen as hysterical. I tried to look at things from his perspective. Meanwhile, he took and took and took. It became the natural order of things. I made concessions and he did what he wanted. I could understand him wanting to finish the upstairs before he had to begin traveling for work. He couldn’t understand how it was possible that I might need help with a brand new infant while I worked from home. And again it becomes a matter of him testing to see how much I’ll put up with. It turns out I put up with a lot.

Why didn’t I speak up? I don’t know. Because it became a habit, I suppose. Eventually, when I would begin speaking up he either didn’t hear me or would get angry. He conditioned me and because we had two small children and I had no idea how I would support them if we were to divorce I put up with it, speaking up less and less.

I also knew that whenever I showed anger, or I challenged him he reacted with equal, if not greater, anger. I don’t know if I wrote about this or not, but we were at his parents house and I did some laundry one morning. He was still asleep when I started; once he woke up he began looking around for his jeans. I told him I had thrown them into the washing machine and he said something to me about it. I spoke up; I defended myself. I even did it in a teasing manner. I simply said, “You should be thanking me for it instead of bitching about it.” Not mean. Not loudly. Not angry. And he went off! “I thank you for everything! Every time you make dinner I thank you! Blah blah blah!” I don’t even remember exactly everything he said to me but I do remember him almost reducing me to tears because I had the audacity to wash his precious jeans and then tease him about being thankful. For that he felt justified in going off on me.

We didn’t fight often. In fact, I would say it was a rare event, so it just became easier to swallow down any anger or upset I might be feeling and go along to get along. In the end, of course, that wasn’t such a wise idea. He got used to being treated like a king and wasn’t at all acquainted with the idea that someone might disagree with him. He didn’t handle disagreement or being critiqued well. Any constructive criticism was criticism, period.

Sometimes it simply flew over my head. I can’t remember if I shared this before or not; I think I did. Anyway, our dog needed expensive eye surgery. I called him at work to ask him his opinion. His reply was, “You’re calling me at work for this? Isn’t this what I pay you for?” That comment didn’t even register with me. My line of thinking was, “Well, I thought I’d include you in this decision because it involves a lot of money, but if you want me to handle all matters pertaining to the household, kids, and pets, fine. I’ll do that. You work and bring home a paycheck; I take care of everything else.” My mother, on the other hand, was outraged, thinking it was the most condescending and dismissive thing he could say. She was the one who pointed out that he was treating me like a subservient employee.

Sometimes it just wasn’t worth it. I’m thinking of all the times he bought me gifts that either I didn’t exactly like, or they didn’t work properly. Not because he did a bad job, or because they were cheap anything. Occasionally you just a get bad, like my under the counter can opener. It was horrible! But I didn’t let him know because then I would have to contend with him whining about how he could never do anything right and he was such a horrible husband. So not worth it. Or, how I wouldn’t tell him when anything was wrong- kids and school, repairs, anything really. He would fall apart or overreact and I just got to the point where I couldn’t deal with him and his drama.

I’m a conflict avoider, as well. I don’t enjoy it. I avoid it, usually at all costs. So shrugging things off and making myself be okay with certain things is pretty much my standard MO. I am very good at letting things slide right off my back. I’m sure that worked well with CF. Especially in light of all his drama whenever anything did go wrong. It was so much easier to handle it on my own than to deal with him.

I did speak up after finding out about his EA after I thought it was all over. Even that didn’t last as long as it probably should have. Within a month or so I got the distinct feeling he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and whenever we would talk about it he always managed to play the victim/sympathy card. Conditioning. It got to the point that the information I got wasn’t worth all the drama surrounding it.

I did stand my ground for the most part regarding his family and their betrayal. When I saw his nephew, the one who was going to tattoo them both, the last time I never said a word to him. I never reconciled with his sister. Towards the very end I was thawing out towards his mom and stepdad, but that was a huge mistake. I did stand my ground pretty firmly for approximately 18 months.

Hell, I knew there was really no point in speaking up because he had told me many times that there could only be one crazy/depressed/etc. person in the family and he was it. When I was  stressed out he made fun of me. When he was stressed out I was expected to be understanding, if not to try to fix it. I sympathized and empathized with him all the time. He rarely returned the favor.

In the end I think speaking up, even if it was through an alternate FB page, was what doomed us. He couldn’t handle knowing things weren’t perfect. He couldn’t handle me even writing about my feelings. So I suppose that goes to show that I was absolutely correct in knowing that dissent would lead to divorce. Maybe if I had always spoken up it wouldn’t have been so jarring. Maybe if I had always spoken up he never would have married me (which would have been a good thing). Maybe we would have divorced much sooner (also a good thing).

I know I’ve said I don’t think I’ll ever date again; I really don’t think I will. However, if I’m proven wrong and I do date someone now the challenge will be to make sure I don’t ever fall back into those patterns. I intend to speak up loudly and often.

Brave Strong Delusional Wimpy

From May 2014 (But Not a Blast From the Past)

I read this and liked it. I know when I was younger I always said if a man cheated I was done with him. A year or so ago, while reading a forum I frequent, women were talking about how they didn’t necessarily consider cheating a dealbreaker, and they would have to look at the whole picture and assess their entire relationship. I also like the fact that studies show most people aren’t happier after a divorce.

The betrayed wives are divided into two categories. Those women who dump the cheater? Brave. Strong. Those who forgive? Delusional. Wimpy.

What’s particularly surprising, however, is that much of this scorn heaped on betrayed wives comes from…betrayed wives.

Forgiving a cheater and rebuilding a marriage seems a disappointment to our take-the-gloves-off culture. We want revenge. We want retribution. After all, the adage goes, “once a cheater…”
No matter that evidence doesn’t back this cliché up. No matter that the majority (80% says a recent study) of marriages will experience infidelity. No matter that of those who divorce following infidelity, more than three-quarters later regretted it.

Obviously this was written over two years ago when I thought CF and I had reconciled, that our marriage was “stronger than ever” and things were “better than ever”. I’m pretty sure I found this over on Elle’s site, The Betrayed Wives Club.

I like Elle. I think she’s a very level-headed person. She used to give me a lot to think about when I thought I was reconciling, and even though STBX ended up being a lying, cheating sack of shit who never deserved a second chance, I think she writes some very thought provoking posts.

So who has it tougher? Who gets more sympathy? Which path is more difficult?

Does it matter? I’ve done both. I forgave him the first time. I patted myself on the back for being so level-headed. I was so proud of myself for fighting for my husband and family. Look at me- I’m able to assess our entire history instead of letting our marriage be reduced to this one mistake.

I took comfort in the study that showed 75% of those who divorced following infidelity later regretted it. I took comfort in the study that found people who divorced following an unhappy marriage weren’t generally any happier and that a high percentage of those who remained married were actually happy.

I read the blogs by women (and yes, they were all women) who were slowly making their way through their own reconciliations. I found people who were like me and I could sympathize and compare what I was going through and how I was healing to them.

I listened when I read all the blog entries that were supposed to give me hope, all the people talking about how they celebrated their anniversaries because it was a victory, or how the pain was all in the past, or the affair didn’t define their marriage, or that everything would be okay.

And then he did it again. So I got my ducks in a row and I filed for divorce after finding out just how deep the lies ran. That’s when I found Chump Lady and all of her readers. This is the important part, folks. It’s not so much what Tracy herself said; she is one person. She’s had one bad experience with a serial cheater. What has opened my eyes are all the other people on her site. The other people who have the exact same story. Oh they vary in detail somewhat. You have the serial cheater who is constantly cheating, the repeat offender who does it multiple times but with breaks in between and lots of promises to change, the one and gone cheaters, the cheaters who take it underground so the poor spouse has no idea he or she has been living a lie for 10, 15, 20 years.

Since filing for divorce I’ve lived with the uncertainty of whether or not spousal and child support would be enough to live on. I’ve dealt with him moving out of not only the house but also the state, all without saying a word to his kids. I’ve had to sell off most of my possessions and leave what I couldn’t sell behind so that my kids and I could move in with my mom 600 miles away. I’m applying for textbook waivers because I can’t realistically afford to pay for them; I’ve been told it will run into the hundreds of dollars. I’m having to look for a job and go back to work where I will probably make just enough to pay my bills and not much more than that. I’m probably going to be applying for the state’s free health care, i.e. welfare healthcare, this week so that if anything happens to me or my kids we’ll be covered. Plus, thanks to the Affordable Healthcare Act, or Obamacare, I HAVE to have insurance or I get to pay a hefty fine at tax time. In short, I’m probably going to be penniless soon and even working full-time isn’t going to help with that.

To be honest I think both options suck. It sucks to stay and have to get through all of that crap, knowing your spouse betrayed you, lied to you, made promises to someone else. It sucks to deal with the triggers and the sadness, wondering if you will ever trust that person again, praying that those websites that promise your marriage will be better than ever are indeed correct. Sometimes you go through all of that only to find out it was for naught. The cheater does it again, despite the tears that signify how sorry they are and the promises to change and the pleas for one more chance. Then you get to deal with the destruction of your life as you know it. You get to tell your children that the two of you are divorcing. You get to try to keep everything going for them so that they’re not faced with changes. Sometimes you get to move out of your house, move in with your mom, become penniless, work a shit job and go on welfare. I’m going to be honest here. I really don’t care if people are high fiving me for my “brave decision”. That brave decision has caused so much upheaval and destroyed my kids’ once comfortable lives. I swear to God if I hear one more person tell me everything is going to be okay, or that life will be so much better in a few months I think I’m going to pick something up and swing it at their head.

This is why I try not to advise people. Everyone has their own journey. You’ve got to decide what is best for you. I see people who have chosen reconciliation that appear fairly miserable a year, two years, three years later. Then I tell myself that 1. I’m only seeing a very small slice of their lives. If they’re anything like me when I had my other FB page I used it mainly when I felt like venting, not when I wanted to gush about how wonderful everything was, and 2. It’s their life; if they feel like dealing with the triggers and whatever other issues they are dealing with is worth it in the long run what do I know? I’m ready to bash people in the head with a hammer if they keep telling me everything is going to be okay!

Will some people think they are weak? I’m sure they will. There will be others who applaud them and tell them they are taking the tougher route. They’ll tell them that it takes more guts to stay and work things out. They may even hear how far too many people are only too willing to throw away their marriage and forget that part of their wedding vows that said, “For better or for worse, ’til death do us part”; thankfully, they’re not like that. They’re willing to do the tough work to repair their marriage instead of throwing it away when things weren’t easy.

But I’ve also “seen” others who have chosen reconciliation who do appear to be happy, and whose marriages do seem to be stronger and better. I think that’s wonderful. I would say they were willing to do the work to repair the relationship and it paid off.

Sometimes the efforts don’t pay off, or the person knows cheating is a deal breaker and they will never get over it, or you just never get a chance; I’ll be the first to tell you that divorce is no picnic. Will some people laud me for being so brave? Of course! Then I will have others who wish to tax me at a higher rate for “polluting” society, or who will consider me tainted goods and unsafe to be around happily married couples. They’ll tell me I’m dooming my children to a life of teenage pregnancy, bad grades, and juvenile delinquency. I’m sure there will be those who tell people like me that I gave up too soon or that I’m a moral failure. Eh. I don’t care. My conscience is clear.

I don’t think we need to put betrayed spouses into categories or try to determine who has the tougher time. Bottom line is whatever choice you make it’s going to be tough. We all need to be supported in whatever decision we make.

House Hunting Blues

Hello all!  It’s Thursday. Time to take a break from being philosophical and digging deep into other topics. Let’s discuss house hunting and my long ago temper tantrum.

Blast From the Past 36

May 2014

Motherfucker! Today is not a good day. I shared my list of houses with my Zack today and he immediately dismisses pretty much everything due to price. He wants to keep it under $300k. HA! I’ve looked and looked and the only way you get that is by giving shit up. Either it’s small, outdated, worn down, or on a tiny lot.

Perhaps this wouldn’t be such a hot button issue but I know he and the whore discussed their dream house and I wonder if I’m just not picking the right house.

Perhaps it wouldn’t be such a hot button issue if this weren’t the fucking city he was planning to move to to be closer to his whore. This was their whole fucking plan. Get him closer so he could fuck her every other weekend. Maybe we should just buy a double wide so he has plenty of money left over to fly to his home state and stay at a really nice hotel while he fucks his whore. Maybe we should just take our daughter out of gymnastics so he has even more money to spend on his whore. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be the one to pick the house out this whole time. Maybe they’ve already decided together what kind of house they want so when I find out he’s fucking around with her still she can just move into her fucking dream house. It wasn’t ever supposed to be mine. It was always supposed to be hers.

I live in a house I tolerate now. The only good part about moving was the chance to get a redo. Now I’m being asked to move to the city he originally intended to move to to be closer to his whore; I’m being asked to drive two hours to take my daughter to gym, and stay for hours in the town with the same name as the whore’s town. I’m being asked to give up all my friends and volunteer activities. I’m going to be asked to socialize with his whore loving family, to spend holidays with them, to have them in my house. And what do I get in return for that? JACK SHIT! I’m moving into another shit hole that I hate and all the promises we made to our kids were just lies.

The funny part is his sister who has cheated on every man she has married has everything she wants. I’m faithful for 20 years and I get nothing. Except cheated on.

All his bullshit about “whatever you want, baby” is just that. Bullshit. And now he’s saying we may join the country club so we don’t need a yard big enough for a pool. A pool at the country club is no fucking different than buying passes at any water park. It’s no different than loading them up and taking them to a lake every day. I’m sure as hell not skinny dipping in it. I’m waiting for him to buy me a $300 pool from Walmart and call it a day.

He doesn’t know why we need a house that’s more than 2500 square feet. Gee, maybe because we have two kids that are 11 and 13 and so we’ll have two teenagers in the house. God willing they’ll have friends and we’ll have a houseful of teenagers. We need a place to put them. A place they can go and be loud and goofy and they won’t disturb us. Can’t really do that with 2500 square feet. We’ll all be on top of each other. And it’s not like they can just take everyone over to the country club. Of course, there is the possibility that they’ll be so embarrassed by our house they won’t bring anybody over. Won’t that be great?

Their rooms will be the size of shoe boxes. The house will be so fucking small whenever people visit they’ll have to pay to stay at a hotel. Which means no one will visit. Which means all the bullshit about being closer to family will be just that- bullshit. Or a cruel joke.

And I know it’s pointless to buy a fixer upper. Nothing ever gets done until we move. If we move into a shit hole tomorrow we’ll still be living in a shit hole ten years from now.

Now he’s worried they won’t do well living in the country. They’re both delighted at the idea. And he’s never the one dealing with the phone calls about dogs barking, or dealing with the neighbors because one of the kids has done something minor and stupid, or been accused of doing something. I’m done with it. He can field the phone calls. He can get his ass up off the couch and deal with the neighbors. I’m. Done.

I deleted all my house hunting apps and at this point I don’t plan on going with him to look. He can buy whatever fucking house he wants. If I don’t like it I’ll stay here and divorce his ass. Or move in with my mom and divorce him. Either way, I’m not living in another house I hate, not when it’s located in Whoreville, and not when I’m being asked to give up everything.

Maybe he can take his fucking whore to look. Since they’re soul mates and have already talked about their dream house I’m sure it will be much smoother taking her. And since they wouldn’t want to move her into a house she hates it just makes so much more sense for her to pick the house out.

Oh yeah, May 1st marked twenty years together. Happy Anniversary, you lying, cheating bastard.

Present Day Sam Says:  I will admit that I sound like a complete spoiled brat in this post; looking back on everything that has happened in the last two years I realize the size of our house is so insignificant. I will also admit this is not the nicest entry and could possibly have hurt his feelings.  I don’t think it rises to the level of, “OMG!  My wife is going to leave me and she’s so mean and she hates me and will never forgive me so I may as well go fuck my cousin!”