Winning Vs. Losing, Or What I Learned From Michelle Kwan

The fabulous Dolly over on The Queen Is In wrote a provocative post last week. She mentioned someone on Twitter who questioned whether or not she stayed because she couldn’t stand to see the OW win. Dolly admitted she, too, wondered if part of why she stayed was because she didn’t want to see the OW win. Several other people commented that they didn’t want to see the OW in their situations win either. I couldn’t really chime in because as you must know if you read my blog, in my situation the OW did win. She got my husband. They are married now. I was effectively cast out and replaced.

Plus, as I kept thinking up a response it kept getting longer and longer so I decided to do what I do best and turn it into a post.

I can understand not wanting to lose your spouse to another person. I felt that way the first time I discovered what was going on. White hot rage that he had been playing me for a fool all summer long while he sweet talked that bitch. She knew I existed. She knew my kids existed. She didn’t give a shit. She wanted what was mine.

I wanted her gone! I wanted to win. I wanted her broken and destroyed. I wanted her to know that he loved me and he would never leave no matter what plans they may have had; I wanted to show her that all I had to do was snap my fingers and tell him I wanted us to work out and she would be gone without a second thought. I wanted her to know I was better than her and that she wouldn’t win.

I demanded he end things with her. I wanted to see it in black and white. His story was that he called her instead and ended things. He said she cried when he told her he could never leave me. I loved that. I felt great satisfaction in hearing she cried, that she felt discarded. She had been messing around with my husband for more than three months at that point and I wanted to banish her from our lives forever. I wanted her to know how insignificant she was to him.

I told him I had contacted her husband and when he told me to leave them alone and let them concentrate on repairing their marriage while we did the same I hissed at him, “Do not beg for mercy for your whore!” He backed off. I felt powerful. In control. Victorious.

So I definitely get it. I did not want her to win. And yet, I remember when our anniversary rolled around and the reality of everything hit me. I was “celebrating” my anniversary with a man who cheated on me.

About two months later I followed it up with this jewel:

One day I was talking to a dear friend who is wise beyond measure. I referred to the whore as a homewrecker. She pointed out to me that she wasn’t a homewrecker; my family was intact and I had won. I had to think about that. I don’t always feel like I’ve won. It sucks knowing your husband was declaring his love for someone else, someone he considered his soul mate. How do you feel like you’ve won when the prize is a lying, cheating sonofabitch? I’m being melodramatic here. I don’t feel that way now. I’m actually pretty pleased with my life right now. But still it’s that phrasing. Kinda like our marriage is better than ever. You know how I hate that one! I don’t think there are any winners or losers in the aftermath of an affair. Sure, he’s with me. He picked me. He’s a lot nicer. A lot more attentive. But he still lied and cheated. And that’s not a great prize to win.

Much like Katniss who won The Hunger Games only to find herself having to fight for her life once again in an ultimate showdown, I found myself in round two of fighting for my marriage a short two years later; sadly, I didn’t realize there was a round two until it was too late.

So this time I lost and she won. But did she really? What did she win?

She won a man who cheats. She won a man who, when times get tough, seeks out others instead of turning to his partner. She won a man who abandoned his children. Maybe she sees that as the ultimate sacrifice and a sign of how incredibly special she is. Most people see it as an act of cowardice. She won a man who can never be happy. She won a man who, according to his court testimony, can’t drive, can’t be around loud noises, and can’t be in public places with big crowds. She won an alcoholic. She won a man who is always the smartest guy in the room and who demands all the attention and adulation. She won a man she can never rely on when things are tough because for him every small problem is a giant problem; she’ll have to be the strong one all the time because he can’t handle it. She won a man who can’t take criticism and who will demand she is happy and appreciative all the time.

My mother likes to remind me that people can be different with different people. She has tales of her own with my father. As a child growing up I remember him spending a lot of time helping my grandpa out on the farm. Once he remarried though he didn’t spend nearly as much time out on the farm. As my mother said once, “It’s amazing that as his father ages he doesn’t need his son’s help nearly as much as he did when he was younger.”

I, on the other hand, don’t believe in personality transplants. I think my stepmom has something on my dad and that’s why their marriage has lasted 30+ years. And following that logic if she had something on him she could effectively control him.

Even if my ex-husband is a completely different person with Harley what is important is how he was with me.

When I “lost” to Harley, I lost a man who rarely used my name when speaking to me. I lost a man who didn’t want to hold my hand in public (although he thought it was hilarious to grope me). I lost a man who told me on many occasions, “Only one of us can be crazy or unhappy at a time, and that person is always me.” I lost a man who took it as a personal insult if I was unhappy or sad or dared to complain about anything. I lost a man who shut himself off in the basement or bedroom, and then dared to justify his behavior with Harley because I “treated him like a wallet and a handyman.” I lost a man who didn’t really want to go on family vacations or outings with us. A man who didn’t bother to go to parent-teacher conferences with me most of the time (I think he attended two). A man who didn’t really seem to care about being a husband or a father when it came time for the day to day activities. I lost a man who didn’t want to socialize with me and friends together. I lost a man who had no interest in hearing my stories from my life before him, and who didn’t really seem to show much interest in my life outside of him when we were married.

More importantly, “losing” him to Harley led me to finding the mobster. It’s no secret that I would have probably stayed until the bitter end. Her swooping in with her “big win” allowed me to find a love I couldn’t even begin to imagine. Yes, I may have “lost” to the OW but do you want to know what I’ve won?

I’m with a man who thinks I’m funny. He genuinely laughs at my jokes.

He thinks I’m adorable. Seriously. I’ll do something and he’ll say, “You are so cute the way you…”.

He butters my roll for me without me even asking. He makes me breakfast. He wants to please me. He sends me flowers and chocolate covered strawberries.

He greets me every morning with, “Hi, Beautiful,”  “Hi, Cutie,” or, “Hi, Babydoll”.

He appreciates the things I do for him instead of merely tolerating them. He has thanked me over and over again for his “Box ‘O Love” and the surprise party I threw for him. He thanks me every time I drive the entire way to see him.

He thinks I’m smart and beautiful.

He listens to me. He listens to all my crazy stories, both present and in the past. I can tell him anything. And I do. He tells me to never apologize for complaining; he wants to hear everything. We’re partners and he wants to hear the good and the bad. He likes to hear about my day. I work in a bank, for crying out loud, and he treats it like I’m doing amazing and interesting work every day. Hell, I believe he even listened to me explaining Candy Crush to him in detail.

He doesn’t tell me only one of us can be crazy at once and it’s always him. In fact, he calms me down when I’m freaking out and he’s willing to take over if I need him to.

He tells me that I give wonderful advice and I’ve been so good for him and I always think things through and know just what to say.

He ran out to Wal-Mart when we were together for my daughter’s Family Weekend and bought me shampoo and conditioner because I hadn’t brought any and the hotel didn’t have any in the room. My mom told me later she was amazed that he was willing to do that and asked me if I could ever imagine CF doing that for me. Considering he grudgingly made me a lemonade when I was pregnant with his child after three miscarriages I’m going to say, “Probably not.”

He accompanied me to a wedding all the way out in Utah AND met a ton of my friends while out there. Some people would have found that to be much like a lamb being led to slaughter, but he was amazing. He was a bit nervous but he was genuinely pleased to finally be able to meet my friends.

He likes to socialize and have fun. He’s always up for adventure. My daughter has labeled him “the happiest person [she] knows.”

He lifts me up. He wants to be a full-time partner to me.

He’s more supportive and attentive to my kids than their own dad was.

And he’s funny. He makes me laugh and we have the best time when we’re together.

He picks flowers for me from the side of the road. He creates chalk signs for me when I come to visit and he buys balloons and decorates for me. He’s willing to drive 10.5 hours to see me. He sends me song lyrics and creates picture books of our adventures together. He gets me a cup of coffee when we’re together.

He’s also never cheated on me and never lied to me. He has been patient and understanding, especially in the beginning when I was a skittish mess. He is the most amazing man and I never would have met him if I hadn’t lost my husband to Harley.

Years ago I remember an interview the lovely, talented and graceful Michelle Kwan did. It was right after the Olympics, where she had been expected to take the gold, only to have someone snatch it out from under her. The interviewer asked her how she dealt with losing the gold medal. I still remember her response all these years later. I didn’t lose the gold. I won the silver.

Wow- talk about reframing a situation. Michelle didn’t lose anything. She won something that very people even have the opportunity to compete for. What does that have to do with infidelity and Harley and losing CF to her, you may be asking?

It’s simple. I don’t look at it as losing my husband to Harley. I look at it as “winning” the mobster and finally being in a relationship where I am valued, cherished and loved.

The Devil You Know

I came across an article written by someone who purports to rebuild remarriages after affairs. For a tidy sum he can help you keep that delightful lying, cheating love of your life.

I have long said that I’m not here to give advice. If you’ve read much of my blog then you know that I had more than one DDay which means I forgave my lying cheater at least once. Technically speaking I suppose Harley was the gift that resurfaced three times. The first time was when he supposedly spontaneously confessed he had been “texting” other women.

True story? Her husband discovered what they were up to and messaged me on FB. Cousinfucker deleted the message and then blocked him. Why he owned up to texting her is beyond me.

Oh, and he never elaborated on exactly what it was he was texting and then refused to disclose a week or so later. I was so stupid and thought he was so honorable that he might have felt guilty simply because he was talking to other women and spilling secrets about our marriage.

So that was DDay #1. Happy Mother’s Day!

DDay #2 was August 14, 2013, three months later. I got yet another message from her husband.

Yeah, about that blocking thing… when he came back from Jezebel’s wedding Harley the Whore blocked me. I had her profile picture up all over the house when he got home and my lying cheater promptly told his twu luv all about it. Once I realized I was blocked I did some digging and found her husband on my list of blocked contacts, which was really strange because at that point I don’t think I had blocked anyone ever in my life!

DDay #3 was two years later, almost to the day. August 10th, 2015. A day which will live in infamy and is only surpassed by June 10th, 2016 as one of the crappiest days of my life.

I dredge all this up again to point out that I, too, forgave my husband at one point. I don’t condemn those who choose to make a go of it. I don’t look down on them. I’m here telling my story and sharing my thoughts so that hopefully others won’t suffer through the same shit I did.

With that said, what the hell, Mort? You’re selling snake oil!

Some of his wonderful advice? #1- Don’t ask about the affair or go to marriage counseling. #2- Tell them divorce is not an option. #3- Have sex with your partner if you want to. I’m not sure if #4 is from him or some other person promising success for 3 easy installment payments of $299, but I’ve also heard that if your partner is still in the affair then be extra sweet and understanding. Don’t make them feel any “toxic shame”.

O.M.G. This is a cheater’s wet dream! I get to fuck around and you can’t ask me about it!

Of course they don’t want to talk about it! They don’t like consequences. They’d rather engage in all that hysterical bonding. Now that’s where the fun is at!

Let’s concentrate on the sex and forget the talking. When you talk you make me feel something akin to guilt and I don’t like that. I’m so splendiferous that I wouldn’t actually feel guilt but when you use words and say things like, “You really hurt me,” and “I don’t trust you anymore,” or “What were you thinking fucking that low class whore?” then it almost makes me feel bad and it certainly doesn’t get me hot and bothered. Let’s stick to sex and forget all the talking stuff.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but let’s face it divorce is always an option when one person wants out. You can’t prevent it no matter how much you personally may be against it.

Honestly? It’s just another form of pick me dancing. No matter what you do I won’t divorce you. Keep fucking the whore. Tell me everything is my fault. Give me a list of things that I need to work on. 

I think my favorite thing about Mort, though, is his philosophy on forgiving the cheating spouse. https://marriagemax.com/cheater/  What if your spouse has done the work and is truly repentant? Don’t you owe it to him or her to forgive and forget and reap the benefits of all your hard work? Don’t you realize that your chances of dumping the cheater only to end up with someone else who just cheats on you is sky high so you may as well keep the cheater you know? I think Mort says it so much better.

Most victims of infidelity (and other emotional hardships) believe that they’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who never cheated on them or hurt them. I completely understand this FEELING. However, the OPPOSITE might be true.

In the case of the woman above, it appears that her husband really changed. And I’ve seen many people transform themselves after getting the “I want a divorce” wake up call. Unless her husband is a pathological liar or a sociopath, he’s LESS LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to someone whose track record is clean. In other words, once a spouse learns their lesson, they’re LESS vulnerable to make the same mistake than someone who’s never erred in that way before.

According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the University of Chicago, about 25 percent of married men and 17 percent of married women in the United States ADMIT to having been unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass’ research suggests it is probably closer to 25 percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men! That means that starting from scratch gives the above woman a 50% chance of finding another husband who will be faithful.

Now let me ask you: at this point in this woman’s husband’s life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll screw up again? If this woman gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.

Let me clarify that I’m talking in this case about a man who truly transformed himself and succeeded to prove that he’s changed. I’m NOT talking about someone who continually makes empty promises.

If this woman were to leave her husband, I think Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this sort of thing would never happen to her again.

Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years and years for their spouse to wake up and change their ways. Then when they finally do it, they’re told it’s too late.

I understand why someone would feel, after being cheated on, for example, that “it’s too late.” But the fact of the matter is that they’re about to walk away from a person who is FINALLY prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse.

In my experience, it’s these people, people who have made serious mistakes, people who have had the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST spouses and are capable, more than anyone else, of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.

Do you see the irony here?

The mistakes that ruin relationships are those that transform the sinners into people capable of the most outstanding relationships. The unfortunate thing for the victim is that they don’t know how to heal from the hurt that would enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.

So the roles become reversed. The person who was ruining the relationship stands ready to transform it; while the person who wanted to work on the relationship all along becomes the cog in the wheel that inhibits true love.

In other words, the woman above has a choice. If she lets her husband go, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that the woman above always wanted him to be to her. I’ve seen it happen too often. Some lucky woman owes a poor victim a lot of gratitude. But this woman has another option. She could forgive her husband and become that lucky woman!

Here’s Sam’s philosophy: Yes, if you don’t fix your picker and figure out why you settled for so little in your relationship there is a good chance you could wind up with the exact same kind of person- a person who is willing to lie and cheat and take you for granted. But if you do fix your picker you have a really good chance of finding someone who won’t cheat on you, someone who will value you. Or put another way, you already know your current partner is a cheater. Those odds are 100%. It’s done. This mythological new person? Hasn’t done a damn thing to you!

But I’ll bite. Let’s take Mort’s theory bit by bit.

Most victims of infidelity (and other emotional hardships) believe that they’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who never cheated on them or hurt them. I completely understand this FEELING. However, the OPPOSITE might be true.

Yes, it might be true. Then it again it might not be. As I said above; however, you know with 100% certainty that your current partner has the ability to cheat on you because they have already, wait for it.. cheated on you!

In the case of the woman above, it appears that her husband really changed. And I’ve seen many people transform themselves after getting the “I want a divorce” wake up call. Unless her husband is a pathological liar or a sociopath, he’s LESS LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to someone whose track record is clean. In other words, once a spouse learns their lesson, they’re LESS vulnerable to make the same mistake than someone who’s never erred in that way before.

Well, Mort, the devil is in the details, isn’t it? The problem here is that a lot of very remorseless cheaters say they’ve changed.

What they really mean is they don’t want to go through the hassle of a divorce. You are useful to them. They’ll do a better job of keeping the affair hidden.

My own husband swore up and down that he had learned his lesson. Harley was the biggest mistake of his life. He should have bought a motorcycle instead of engaging with her. He talked to her the way he wanted to talk to me. He would never make that mistake again. I was the reason he was alive and why he fought in a war.

Two years later I was going through the exact same hell and with the exact same whore. The man learned nothing. He wanted everything to be perfect and go back to normal and at the first hint that that wasn’t the case he reached out to Harley the Whore.

According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the University of Chicago, about 25 percent of married men and 17 percent of married women in the United States ADMIT to having been unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass’ research suggests it is probably closer to 25 percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men! That means that starting from scratch gives the above woman a 50% chance of finding another husband who will be faithful.

Even if I agreed with your 40-50% statistic for men cheating, I still have a 50% chance that the new guy won’t cheat and I’m still left with the fact that I’m 100% sure that my current partner is a cheater.

Now let me ask you: at this point in this woman’s husband’s life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll screw up again? If this woman gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.

I think you are way too optimistic. You are also assuming that every person who does not wish to divorce is invested in the marriage. That is simply not the case. Many times they are simply invested in not suffering consequences. Divorce has many consequences- losing custody time of your kids, splitting retirement funds, moving out of houses, no longer having someone to do your laundry/cook your food/clean your house/take care of your kids, no longer having access to your partner’s paycheck, losing friends and relatives…

Let me clarify that I’m talking in this case about a man who truly transformed himself and succeeded to prove that he’s changed. I’m NOT talking about someone who continually makes empty promises.

That’s the kicker, isn’t it, Mort? How do we really know which one we ended up with? Is the person truly remorseful? Have they truly transformed themselves? Or are they avoiding consequences?

If this woman were to leave her husband, I think Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this sort of thing would never happen to her again.

I don’t appreciate your scare tactics. I also don’t believe you should continue a marriage based upon the fact that, “Well, the next person will probably cheat, too, so why bother to find someone who won’t cheat and who will value me?

Maybe this person will find someone who is 100x better than the person left behind. That is another possibility.

Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years and years for their spouse to wake up and change their ways. Then when they finally do it, they’re told it’s too late.

I understand why someone would feel, after being cheated on, for example, that “it’s too late.” But the fact of the matter is that they’re about to walk away from a person who is FINALLY prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse.

In my experience, it’s these people, people who have made serious mistakes, people who have had the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST spouses and are capable, more than anyone else, of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.

Do you see the irony here?

Ah, the ol’ personality transplant! This person is now going to be everything you’ve ever wanted them to be! Nicely co-mingled with a giant helping of shaming people into forgiving the person who has devastated them.

Here’s the problem with your thinking, Mort. If my spouse has been an ass for 15-20 years and I’ve been begging him to change his ways and to please, please, please, keep his penis in his pants and then I finally wise up and realize his behavior is never going to change so I tell him I’m leaving him, it is NOT my fault that the marriage does not survive when he is finally facing  uncomfortable consequences and promises to change to avoid said uncomfortable consequences. You are putting the responsibility of the relationship succeeding or failing onto the person who has been abused and gaslighted for years. No, the relationship didn’t fail because I finally wised up and accepted my husband was an ass who was never going to change. It failed because my husband was an ass who was never going to change.

The mistakes that ruin relationships are those that transform the sinners into people capable of the most outstanding relationships. The unfortunate thing for the victim is that they don’t know how to heal from the hurt that would enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.

So the roles become reversed. The person who was ruining the relationship stands ready to transform it; while the person who wanted to work on the relationship all along becomes the cog in the wheel that inhibits true love.

Again, nice job blaming the victim. This relationship could work if only you would forget what I did! Yes, I may have mistreated you and taken you for granted (not to mention lied to you and cheated on you) for 20 years, but the real reason our marriage ultimately failed was because you refused to forgive me the 21st year.

In other words, the woman above has a choice. If she lets her husband go, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that the woman above always wanted him to be to her. I’ve seen it happen too often. Some lucky woman owes a poor victim a lot of gratitude. But this woman has another option. She could forgive her husband and become that lucky woman!

It so rarely works that way. That’s the fear that keeps people stuck. He/she will be better for the next person!

No, chances are very good that he or she will not be better for the next person. Oh, it may look that way from what is posted on Facebook or Instagram. He or she may even be able to keep that mask on for a few years. It will eventually slip. The shiny will eventually wear off the new relationship and they’ll be looking for something new and exciting once again.

Mort likes to tout his high success rate of couples remaining together. That’s nice, but there’s a difference between staying together because a divorce or splitting up is too inconvenient and your partner is of use to you, versus actually recommitting to your relationship.

Give Me a Freaking Break

It’s Thursday once again. We get about 52 of them a year! So you all know what that means. It’s time for another Blast From the Past. This one isn’t so much about me and CF. It’s about the whole bullshit concept that you need to understand and accept your cheating spouse’s lingering “feelings” for his or her affair partner.

March 2015

I saw this on a blog and wanted to explore it a little more.  She writes: If you are a BS (betrayed spouse) reading this, you probably hate thinking your cheating spouse may have lingering feelings for someone else.  And not just someone else, but a someone that destroyed your marriage.  Please know- It doesn’t mean they don’t love you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t incredibly happy they have stayed with you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply sorry.  It just means feelings are hard to “switch off”.

I’ve touched on this in regards to someone’s blog, but again I say I think this is bullshit and I don’t think I could have coped if that’s the way Zack felt.  Hell, maybe that is the way he felt; he was just smart enough to know not to tell me.

Rationally, I get it.  I’ve read it before.  They cheated with this person.  There was a relationship of some sort.  They thought they loved this person (perhaps genuinely did) and it takes time for feelings to go away.  I think someone even described it as waiting for the fog to lift.  But as a betrayed spouse I think it’s completely unfair.  You have to first forgive your spouse and then you’re being asked to bring them a cup of tea and listen sympathetically to them while they whine about having to end things with their affair partner? And yes, I know, that’s not what they’re really saying.  We’re just supposed to be sympathetic and understanding while they come to terms with their “loss”.  That’s no better.

As I’ve said before I may be a bite off your nose to spite your face kinda gal but seriously- if my husband is still mooning over his whore he can have her (hypothetically, of course.  I don’t believe mine is and this isn’t about him).  I wouldn’t care that he still loved me, that he chose me, that he’s happy he’s still married to me, or even that he’s sorry.  I refuse to be married to a man who has feelings like that for another woman.  Period.  At the very least I would demand a separation, a physical, actual separation while he got his head out of his ass.  Come back when you’re over her.  And if it takes too long I’m moving on.  Sorry, but life’s too short for that shit.  I’m not playing second fiddle to his whore.  “Oh, sweetie, I understand.  This breakup with your whore is so difficult, so hard.  Hey- I’ve got an idea!  Instead of you recovering from this difficult, heartbreaking breakup with your whore, let’s just go ahead and have you deal with an incredibly difficult divorce from your wife! That should be much easier, right?” Isn’t it kinda funny (aka sad) how you never hear advice to the OP that once he/she leaves their spouse there may be a period of mourning for said spouse and their marriage?  Apparently, breaking up with a whore is very very difficult, but ending an actual marriage is a piece of cake!

Here’s the thing.  As the wife, if he’s still mooning over the affair partner, you’ll always be second.  You’re reality.  She’s fantasy.  And I’m not just talking about the parameters of an affair and how it doesn’t match day to day life.  Think of anything in life where you’ve dreamed of something happening.  Any big event.  A wedding, a vacation, holidays, birth of a child.  So many times we create these pictures in our mind of how we want everything to go down.  I, personally, have always imagined a Christmas where I get Christmas cards out by the first week of December.  The kids and I bake Christmas goodies. My Christmas shopping is done and the gifts are wrapped well before Christmas Eve. Maybe we go out and chop down a tree and then head home to decorate said tree while Christmas carols play in the background and we sip hot chocolate.  This has never happened.  None of it.  I mean, I’ve baked a little, but it’s always last minute.  That’s what life with the affair partner is.  It’s a possibility.  It’s a fantasy.  You don’t know what life really will be like with that person until you take that next step and leave your spouse and actually marry the affair partner.  So your wife will never measure up to the affair partner when you’re waxing poetically over your lost love.  You’ve lost nothing because of the affair and the only thing you can concentrate on is how incredible your affair partner is/was and how you’ve lost this all encompassing love.  Because it’s still a possibility, a perfect fantasy not ruined by reality.

I also think it’s incredibly unfair to ask this of the betrayed spouse because you’re asking her/him to accept the fact that once again there are 3 people in this marriage.  As long as the AP is front and center in your spouse’s thoughts, it’s not just the 2 of you trying to work through this.  I don’t need that.  It’s already difficult enough.  If getting over your whore is so incredibly difficult just go be with her and stop wasting my time.

Trying To Make Sense of the Nonsense

 

March 2015

Let’s see them hack into this!  There is more than one way to skin a cat. At this point I switched over to journaling on my computer.

I’ve been thinking.  A lot.  Mainly about Jezebel and her comment, my favorite, about how he deserves so much better than me.  About my husband’s comment to his other sister, how it’s been 2 years and why can’t we just move on? About that sister and her snide message to me about me worrying about the house and then turning around and booking airline tickets. About being grateful.  About accepting reality.  About moving on. About pain shopping, which dovetails nicely with moving on.

OK, we’ll tackle moving on first.  It’s very difficult to move on when your husband doesn’t do the few basic things you’ve asked for in order to reconcile.  I told him that 1. He needed to send Harley a text and end things with her.  I wanted to see the text to prove that he actually sent it, and he was to have absolutely no contact with her after that. 2. He was to give up all passwords to me and remove the passcode from his phone. 3. We were going to attend marital counseling. 4. He was to never discuss our marital issues with Jezebel again.  What did he do?

Well, instead of sending her a text and ending it, he says he called her and ended it.  That’s nice, but that’s not what I wanted.  I had a purpose behind wanting you to send a text.  I wanted to see it in black and white.  I wanted to see him write:  My wife knows about you.  She gave me an ultimatum.  I choose her.  We’re done.  Don’t contact me ever again.  Did I get that?  No, I got the replay of his supposed phone call to her. And then I got her text which makes it look like he actually chose her and she ended it.  Furthermore, his response to her was based on not wanting to hurt her.  He felt bad for her.  Her- the mistress of 3 1/2 months.  Not me, the wife of almost 19 years.  I got a reply about honor and duty and obligation.  Not love.  Not choice.  Am I supposed to believe him without proof when I vividly recall asking him if she was worth losing his wife and kids, and he replied he knew he didn’t want to lose his kids?  Am I supposed to believe him when he would have sex with me and then turn around and walk out our door and text her good morning and then precede to talk to her on his entire 30 minute drive to work every.fucking.morning?  That is some strong faith, and if I’m not there yet so be it.  I figure I mainly believe him.  I only have doubts some of the time.  It’s been 2 years?  Nah, not really.  We’re coming up on 2 years of your half hearted confession where you couldn’t even admit you were doing something wrong, or that she was your whore.  You tried to make it sound like she was one of many and it was just a little texting.  No, it wasn’t.  It was her, and only her.  And you were telling her you loved her and you were telling other people you loved her and she made you happy and you were going to marry her. On top of that, you two were talking about sex and what all you were going to do to each other, and you were talking about a future together and she was sending you naked pictures.  It’s been 2 years since you tried to confess and pull the wool over my eyes at the same time.  It hasn’t been 2 years since I discovered the truth.  We’re at about 18 months for that.  18 months since I found out the extent of your lies and betrayal.  18 months since you told me you didn’t want to lose your kids.  18 months since you told me you hadn’t been happy in years.  18 months since you admitted that you two talked about sex, and how much you loved each other, and how much you wanted to be together.  18 months since you told me you two really really liked each other. 18 months since I received The Saint’s FB message asking me if I had gotten a good lawyer yet.  And we’re at 16 months since I discovered you bragging to your nephew about marrying her, after insisting to me that you two had no concrete plans.

So that’s part of the not able to move forward movement.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what their plans were.  I don’t know what all they talked about.  I don’t know how far into the planning it got. I don’t know that I was his first choice. I have no proof of that. Again, for all I know he called her up right after he got off the phone with me and told her I knew and I’d issued an ultimatum.  And then he told her she was his soul mate, his one true love, his very best friend, and the love of his life and there was no way he could give her up.  For all I know he told her, “I choose you, Harley!”  And Harley, being the manipulative, deceitful cunt that she is warned him that if I got wind of his choice that I’d probably run.  Maybe she even reminded him that I already had airplane tickets to fly to my home state in 2 days.  “If you want to keep your kids around, then you need to make sure she thinks you chose her.”  And then the good little whore proceeded to tell her husband she was leaving.  And her husband said, “Fine, but you’re not taking the kids.  They’re all disgusted with their whore of a mother.”  That’s when Harley finally realized she and my husband weren’t going to be forming their own version of the Brady Bunch, that there might be bumps in the way, and that the path to true love was not going to be a smooth one.  Maybe her kids gave her a ration of shit.  Maybe the two oldest told her they weren’t going to live with her.  It was at this point she decides it’s just not going to be worth it and that’s when she sends her bleeding heart text to Zack.

Is that really all that crazy?  Why is that version any less believable than the one he told me about?  At least in the second version I have her text ending it. It would be lovely if, instead, I had a text from him ending it.

What else did he do?  Well, he did in fact give me his passwords and take the code off his phone.  And to his credit he did recently offer to have my thumb print be one of the prints that could open his phone.

Marriage counseling?  He went but he didn’t really participate, and our counselor told us that is was pretty much a waste of time after 3 or 4 sessions. If we ever went again I think it would be interesting to hear his side of everything that happened.  It seemed to be mainly me talking because he didn’t much participate. I’ll give him credit for going when he didn’t want to, but I’m not giving him credit for anything else.  He didn’t participate and I don’t think we got much out of it. At this point in time I’m tired and I’m not willing to go again so I guess he’s safe.

And not discussing our marriage difficulties with Jezebel?  We both know that one went completely off the rails.  He performs a fucking Shakespearean soliloquy when he’s telling everyone all my faults and everything I’m doing to him, and I get a fucking one line reprieve when he pulls his head out of his ass.  I know that’s not a kind way to put it, but it pisses me off. And upon looking up how to spell soliloquy that’s not really the best description.  That’s what I perform on a daily basis when I’m raging!

That brings me to another point- the concept of the man in the middle. There is a poster on a board I like to read and she often says that many times you can look to the man in the middle as the source of conflict.  I’ve thought about that a lot and I believe it’s true, even with this.  He throws me under the bus to Jezebel, goes on and on and on about how horrible I am, and then says, “Oh, my bad!”  Is it any wonder she hates me?  He doesn’t tell her the good stuff.  He’s too busy getting his head patted when he’s the poor, oppressed little brother married to the evil, awful wife who uses him as a handyman and a paycheck. Man in the middle.  Have no doubt, I’m still not pleased with her encouraging him to leave me when he was fucking around.  And I’m definitely not pleased with her latest round. But he poured gasoline on the fire, and he did something I told him not to do ever again.

His mom and stepdad are another case in point.  I told him in therapy I didn’t like how Pastor Fake was gushing over Harley’s picture.  It was hurtful.  His attitude was, “I can’t control what he does.”  Then shortly thereafter his mom gets online and tells her she’s sooooooo pretty.  I unfriend them (they were sharing an account at the time) and probably blocked them at the time.  Undoubtedly unfriended them from my daughter as well, and blocked them.  I know she must have asked about it but instead of coming to me and saying, “Hey, what happened?  My mom says she’s blocked on both your and our daughter’s page,” he acts like he can’t control anything.  I keep thinking that if he had only pulled his mom aside in the beginning and said something along the lines of, “I know I created this mess, but if the two of you want to have a relationship with my wife and kids you’re going to have to distance yourself from my mistress.  It is upsetting to my wife to see the two of you acting all chummy with the woman I cheated on her with.  We both know we can’t control you and you can both do exactly as you want.  But I’m here to tell you that there is no way you can have Harley in your lives and have my wife and kids in your lives.  So you’re going to need to make a choice.”  Or even a much shorter, condensed version:  My wife can see you two gushing all over Harley, joking with her, telling her how pretty she is. You know that I cheated on her with Harley; therefore, she has no desire to associate with anyone that wants to be a part of Harley’s life.  It’s that plain and simple. You can have a relationship with my wife, or one with my mistress but you can’t do both. (Believe me, I tried! ba-dum!!!).

I think that’s part of not being able to move on, as well. I think I have made tremendous progress in accepting the fact that his parents will never turn their backs on Harley.  They will always be kind to her.  They will always compliment her.  She will always be around.  And I, in many ways, am forced to accept that. I’m forced to accept the fact that I will never be around for any family events because I don’t know if the whore will be there or not, and I don’t want to be there if she is.  I’m forced to accept (and I know this is morbid) that when his mom dies I’m going to be going through 3 levels of hell.  I’m going to have to deal with Zack and his grief, I’m going to have to deal with his bitch of a sister, and more than likely, his whore will show up. It’s very difficult to move on and forget about her when she is front and center all the time, or at least it feels like that.  She was praying for my husband last month.  Praying for him!  She has a front seat into the window of our lives.  Anything my in-laws post on FB about us, about my kids, that bitch can see. How do you move on from that? How do you move on from your in-laws thinking that your husband’s whore is a swell person?  I keep expecting her to show up at Thanksgiving and for them to offer up the use of their bedroom so he can fuck her.

I read about pain shopping yet again yesterday.  It’s not so much that I want to do that, it’s more I don’t want to be ambushed.  I guess when you don’t feel safe or confident you continue to look over your shoulder.  I don’t know that I was his first choice.  Hell, I don’t even know for certain that he’s not back in contact with her again.  I don’t know that someone won’t throw facts at me, facts of which I have been completely unaware of for over a year, which might result in my own downward spiral. I don’t look on her page that often.  I check every now and then to see if she’s got a new profile picture up.  I occasionally check my in-laws’ pages to see if she’s commenting or liking certain things.  Of course she is!  Good ol’ Harley can’t fade into the background. Oh no!  Look at me!  Look at me!

I know I’ve said it before and I will say it again.  Not knowing the bitch is being welcomed with open arms by all who know about her and Zack doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.  And closing my eyes and pretending like as long as I don’t see it everything is ok, is just living in a fairytale.  It does no one any good.  Eventually, you wake up and you discover the truth and you feel betrayed.  I’d just as soon get it out of the way.

I guess what it boils down to is can I accept what happened?  Sure.  I can accept it.  Doesn’t mean I like it.  Just like accepting who my in-laws are.  It hurts me very much knowing they can embrace the woman that almost tore my life apart.  But, I accept that that is who they are. When I am with them I enjoy being with them and I love them.  However, I will never have a close relationship with them again.  I simply cannot do that, not when they are still in contact with Harley and act like she has done nothing wrong. I will never be willing to go out of my way for them again. I don’t call.  I don’t confide.  I let Zack handle it. Honestly, I prefer to keep my distance because I’m afraid I’ll be sucked in if I get too close.

Can I accept the fact that I’ve been moved 2000 miles across the country to live in this Godforsaken town where I know almost no one?  Sure.  It’s reality.  I can pretend I don’t live here but what good would that do? I can pretend that we can go back to our former state but I know that we can’t.  Whose job is he going to take?  Especially when they just got a new GM and a new PM less than a year ago.  Where will we live?  Are we going to ask the new residents of our home to kindly move out because we’d like our house back?  No. If I’m being perfectly logical most newcomers to the area head over to two up and coming areas.  Our kids wouldn’t be going to school with their old friends; they’d be at a new school.  My daughter could go back to her old gym but she would be competing as a Level 8 once again, more than likely, and all of her former teammates would be 9s.  My son could play hockey again but he’s lost a year and he already started late so he’d be behind as well.  No, we are stuck here, at least for 7 years until they both have graduated from high school.  Then my husband can yank me away from my new life, and at the rate I’m going now that won’t be a bad thing. I’m so tired of hearing, “You need to get out there and meet people!  Volunteer! Take classes!”  Um, I’d love to meet people but that’s a little difficult when you’re 46 and not in school and don’t have a job. There are no classes to take. Quite honestly, I’m sick and tired of being the new person.  And volunteering?  Where would you suggest I volunteer?  The PTA?  They don’t seem to have many opportunities.  I’m supposed to go tonight for an after prom meeting where I will know no one and the woman in charge is going to ask me to solicit donations, which is something I absolutely hate to do. HATE IT! This gets me thinking that if everything PTA does needs to be funded with business donations I want no part in it. Oh, I also found out that I was sent an email to see if I wanted to volunteer at the book fair for the middle school.  It went to my junk mail and I didn’t get it until after the book fair was over. Lovely. I could go to a PTA meeting but again, I’m tired of putting myself out there.  I’m tired of being the new person.  I’m 46, for crying out loud!  My life should be settled.  I shouldn’t be scurrying around trying to find a whole new set of friends.

I tell myself to think back on all of our other moves.  OB was easy.  I had just turned 29 when we made the move. We went out with all of his co-workers.  And from that I became friends with some locals and they introduced us to other people. In the next state I started out by participating in an online group.  I got very lucky and those people met weekly.  I put myself out there and I joined their group. Gradually, other people joined in as well. Then, right before my daughter turned 2 I started going to church; when my son was an infant I volunteered to help in the nursery. A few months later I became a team leader in the nursery.  Gradually I did more. I became a small group leader.  I joined the meal team. I think when my son was around a year I joined MOPS.  I became part of the hospitality team with them.  I started a MOPS group at our church. I was there 6 years and it was gradual, but my calendar filled in.  Plus, it helped that I had family only 2 hours away. I think I found my online friends within the first 6-8 months. I was 31 when we moved back to State #2, just under 2 months before my 31st birthday. We moved a few months before I turned 38. In State #4 I think it began after I volunteered to join PTA.  It was about 5-6 months later.  The following year my daughter was competing so I made some friends that way. PTA just became a huge thing for me.  I met a ton of people that way.  And I met some people through my kids.  This time it just doesn’t seem as easy. I was 45 this time when I left. I’ve been here coming up on 8 months.  They have been the longest, loneliest 8 months of my life, I think. I don’t have online friends.  I don’t have a church. I don’t have PTA; it’s pretty much non-existent.  I certainly don’t have MOPS. My daughter competes alone most of the time. This next meet all of the girls meet together.  But here’s the thing:  most of the girls are young, like 10-11.  Their moms are young.  I don’t want to hang out with them.  I don’t need to be overrun with 30 somethings while I’m nearing death. I do have some parents I can sit with at the high school meets.  That’s nice.  But that’s it.  I know a few people on sight.  I’m still shocked when I run into someone I know at the grocery store because it happens so infrequently. I am grateful for the outpouring of support from the few people I do know when Zack was in the hospital.  Our neighbor called and offered to help with whatever we may need.  S offered to take my daughter to gymnastics.  C prayed for us and checked in on us, offering to run errands or bring a meal.  D took my daughter to gymnastics and grabbed food for both of my kids.  I felt very fortunate to have that help and those offers.

So, this is my reality.  I’m far from family.  I’m far from friends.  I’m not fitting in or finding a niche.  I really really hate it here.  I’ve booked tickets for me and Rock Star to go see the state gymnastics meet back in our former state at the end of the month.  I’m looking forward to that.  Can’t wait to be around friends again. Can’t wait to see all those cute little gymnasts that I get to cheer on for the first time this year.  I’ve missed this.

I’ll save Jezebel’s asinine comment about him deserving something better for later.

Advice From the Mistress Concludes

Thankfully we now come to the final few nuggets of wisdom the professional yet reformed mistress has to offer us.

10. Time Management – Never make the ‘kids your life.’ All you will do is alienate your husband. Try to manage your time wisely so that when your husband comes home you have time for him. Couples that don’t eat together, or spend the evenings together, generally grow apart. Don’t allow your husband to become distant or lonely, or a space will be created for another woman to walk into his life.

Spoken like a woman who has no children. When your children are younger they should be your life. They are completely dependent upon you. I will make no apologies for putting my kids first and taking care of them. It’s a short season in your life. Suck it up, buttercup.

I know this is going to sound crazy but maybe, just maybe, if the husband actually pitched in and helped, the wife wouldn’t always be accused of making the kids her life. When you are the only one who takes them to school or practice and the only one who picks them up… When you are the only one to make their lunches, sign their permission slips, go to parent-teacher conferences, meet with teachers, and go to their programs… When you are the only one who will take them to the movies, on vacation, to the mall, out shopping, out to eat, or on any outing… it gets exhausting and then you’re accused of putting the kids first and neglecting the marriage. Most of this shit needs to get done and if Hubby is sitting around waiting for you to draw his bath for him and pop grapes into his mouth then that leaves only one person to do all of it. You can’t complain that she never has time for you if you’re not willing to help out with your shared children.

I can assure everyone that not once did CF grab his car keys and announce he was going to pick Rock Star up from gymnastics. I did not then spring up from the couch, knock him down the stairs in my quest to grab my own keys, and yell triumphantly on my way out the door, “Not on my watch, sucker!” I also never threatened him with bodily harm if he ever attempted to come into the kitchen and cook a meal for us. Never once did I lock myself in a room with my children, declaring with just a tinge of crazy as he banged on the door and pleaded with me to let him in, “I will never allow you to get up in the middle of the night with my children! NEVER! I’m the only one that is allowed to be woken up in the middle of the night. Do you hear me? Do you?” I also never threw my body in the path of his car in an effort to block him from leaving the house with our two kids to give me an hour or two alone. I never grabbed a laundry basket out of his hands and snarled, “WTF do you think you’re doing with that? I’m the only one that does laundry around this house! Stay out of the laundry room!” I never knocked him out of the way in order to run out and grab something for all of us to eat. “You’ve gotta be pretty fast to get one over on me!” I never tore the house apart after he’d cleaned it, screaming about how no one was going to clean this house except for me. Never told him I didn’t want him going to parent-teacher conferences with me because he would just get in the way. Never told him he wasn’t allowed to take the kids out to dinner. I would have welcomed the help. But it turns out all of those things were my job and he was busy doing other stuff (or people). I guess I needed better time management skills.

Here’s another thing that’s going to sound crazy. I actually agree with her when she says that when you don’t eat together or spend evenings together you will gradually grow apart. I saw it happen in my own marriage. But here’s the rub. It wasn’t solely on me. He played a huge part in that dynamic. He wanted to watch TV and he didn’t want to be bothered by young kids making noise while he was trying to watch something. Leaving those two alone so that I could sit by his feet and gaze adoringly up at him would have resulted in utter chaos. They were 2 and 4 at that time, for crying out loud! Maybe 3 and 5. My children are delightful these days, but in their early years… Let me just say I have been told more than once that I have the patience of Job and that if they had been born to any other person they probably wouldn’t have survived.

I gave him what he wanted. Peace and quiet. The ability to eat his dinner and watch television with no interruptions.  Then he complained because he got what he wanted.

When we moved across the country the first time he began shutting himself up in the bedroom. That was his doing, not mine. He was always asked if he wanted to go with us whenever we went somewhere. He usually declined. I had to resort to getting my daughter to ask him if he’d join us. He’s the one that kicked me out our bedroom for years, complaining that my snoring kept him awake.

This was not a situation where I was the frigid, neglectful wife who treated him like he was disposable. This was him shutting himself off from the rest of the family.

Yes, ladies, all the childcare is your responsibility but please try to get all of that taken care of while your husband is away. Time management! Once he gets home he should be your entire focus. Please train your children to never need anything from you once your husband gets home. Also, please speak to all coaches and school administrators so that they never plan anything outside of your husband’s work hours because that, too, will take away from your husband. Your husband must never be neglected. Again, spoken like a woman who never had children and could concentrate all of her energies on the married man she was fucking.

11. Cooking – Be sure to spend less time in the kitchen and more time in the bedroom, as the way to a man’s heart is NOT through his stomach, it’s actually more South of his waistband! A nice hot meal need not take hours so don’t ever slave over a hot stove. Be adventurous in the kitchen, but even more so in the bedroom.

Oh my dear Lord! Let me make sure I have this correctly. I’m to make a hot meal. But it needs to be a simple, hot meal because anything that takes more than five or ten minutes will cause him to cheat. I call foul, Sarah! I used my crockpot all the time! So why did he cheat on me? I have checked off all the boxes. Hot meal? Check! Not spending hours in the kitchen? Check! Delicious goodness? Double check.

And don’t even get me started on adventurous in the bedroom. Suffice to say, dear sweet stupid Sarah, your advice is about as good as your morals.

12. Keep your own identity – NEVER be a doormat for your husband. Be a strong woman, and let him know that if he ever mistreats you, or cheats on you, you will not put up with it. Teach him to make sure he respects you, and that he will lose you if he strays. Also, have your own life and interests, so that you are not just ‘a wife.’ Otherwise you will have nothing to ever tell him or surprise him with. You should be willing to work for a relationship, but never suffer for it.

Ahem… oh, Sarah? You’ve just spent this entire list telling us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do. You’ve told us our husbands are the most important thing in our life and they should be put ahead of our needs and the needs of our minor children. You’ve spent 11 talking points telling us to not get fat, to stay sexy, to fuck his brains out and to do and be whatever he desires. So how is it that none of that shit results in us being a doormat? You’re giving the very blueprint of being a doormat and then saying, “Don’t be a doormat!”

How are any of us to be a strong woman or to assert our boundaries when you’ve spent this entire “lesson” teaching us to be perfect little props for the important man in our life?

It’s a little difficult to tell your spouse that you won’t tolerate cheating and to demand respect when everything you’ve advised us to do so far puts us completely at his mercy. If he’s been taught that he’s #1 and the most important thing ever to exist then why would he ever believe that we would leave if he cheats?

Oh, and newsflash, Sarah! Many women DID tell their husbands cheating would be a deal breaker. That’s why they’re divorced now. And why do you think people lie and gaslight and do their best to keep it a secret? They KNOW it’s wrong. In some cases I’m sure they know their spouse will leave when she finds out.

How am I supposed to have my own interests and my own life when I’m supposed to be catering to him 24/7? You seem to be very worried that I will have nothing to “tell him or surprise him with” but I thought my problems and my life weren’t of any consequence and that everything was supposed to be about him and his day.

I think Sarah’s advice highlights the problem some have between fantasy and reality. It gives voice to those people (cheating men and women alike) that really believe marriage should be exciting and fun all the time and that they should have every need met instantaneously. If they don’t, then they are entitled to cheat.

This advice thrives on fantasy. How many women can honestly say they could do everything that good ol’ Sarah advises us to do? I’m exhausted just reading that list. It’s one demand after another and there doesn’t seem to be any give and take.

Let me be clear, lest I’m accused of being a man hater, I think that much of what she talks about here is fine if it’s done occasionally. I think it’s great when couples can do some of the things on this list. I have no problem with sending a flirty message to your husband. I am a very physical person myself so touching someone, holding their hand, rubbing their back, is something that I would do naturally. I’m not opposed to throwing on some eyeliner and wearing a cute outfit. I think it’s important to not lose yourselves as a couple in your quest to raise children. Keep the romance alive! If you’ve got a chance to spend some time alone as a couple then go for it. But I also think both people need to be participants. And I think that when one person believes that they are entitled to all of the things on the above list then you’ve got some major problems. Regular, real, day-to-day life doesn’t work that way. You might be able to do some of this all of the time. You might be able to do all of it some of the time. But I don’t see how anyone who has actual obligations and responsibilities can do all of it all of the time. Then again, affairs thrive on fantasy and most affair partners don’t see each other every single day. Most affairs also don’t last more than six months so there’s the whole “they can do all of it some of the time.”

I liken her advice to the difference between every day life and taking a vacation. Sarah seems to think that relationships should be like being on vacation every day. You should always be lounging on the beach and sipping cocktails brought to you by smiling servers. You should always be free to wander aimlessly all day long if that’s what you choose to do, or embark on some exciting adventure. You should indulge every day- eating every meal out and not having to worry about cooking or dishes or doing laundry. You should be able to sleep in every day and go to bed whenever you’d like. It should always be one exciting choice after another- cruise this week, skiing next week, a trip out of the country the week after that. Fun, fun, fun with absolutely no responsibilities.

I’ll say it one more time so that I’m not misunderstood (although I’m sure I’ll be accused by someone of being a man-hating, relationship deficient bitter bitch): I think trying to do some of the things good ol’ Sarah suggests is a good thing. By all means, look your best. Talk to your husband. Spend some time with him without the kids around. Surprise him with something fun and/or sexy. Talk to him. Have sex with him. Maybe wear something a little risqué once in a while. Go out and have fun together.

Where her advice falls flat is in the fact that she believes this should be the ordinary. This should be every day life; it’s where the bar is set. I believe those things are “vacation ideas” if you will. I don’t think anyone can live up to all of that every single day. As I said earlier I’m exhausted just reading the list.

The other problem I see with it is there is no talk of equal reciprocation.We women are only as useful as our ability to satisfy our man. Our lives are all about pleasing him. There is nothing about him pleasing us. I guess our big reward is that our husband won’t cheat on us. Because Sarah thinks cheating is a relationship problem.

Honestly, if this is what all I have to do in order to keep a man and have a relationship I’m not interested.

Advice From the Mistress, Part 3

Ready for round three? Let’s begin.

7. Stroke his ego, and other parts – Men want to feel like men. They want to feel needed and wanted. Tell him how much you appreciate him, especially when he does something nice. Let him know you respect him as a man. And touch him. Be tactile with him.

1. Maybe men (these men you’re writing about, whoever they might be) would be treated like men if they didn’t act like entitled 2 year olds.

2. I would find it easier to respect him as a man if he weren’t fucking around on me. I’m pretty sure I speak for the majority of women when I say it’s pretty difficult to respect your cheating husband.

Come on, Sarah, you’re treating men like they’re idiots. No, you treat them like fragile crystal. Or a scared kitten.

Come here, kitty… let me love you. I’ve got a warm house and a soft blanket and plenty of yummy food. Come here, you sweet little bundle of fur. I won’t hurt you. You’re such a pretty kitty. Oh yes you are! You’re so so pretty! Let me pet you and hold you. Oh that’s it. You’re so soft. Do you like it when I scratch your ears? How about under your chin? Oh, you really like that! Yes, you do! Yes, you do! You are such a pretty kitty! I’m going to love you forever and never let you go!

I don’t have a problem with letting someone know I appreciate what they’ve done. I’ve never had a problem saying, “Thank you.”  I’m not talking about being dismissive of someone or treating them like they owe you. I think I’m a pretty kind person. I think I show a lot of love and affection and that I express appreciation. You, however, are ridiculous. And exhausting. My God, it’s a constant cycle of being “on” and having to cater to his ego. If “your man” needs this much ego stroking I can’t imagine you have too much of a relationship. He sounds like a giant baby. It, in fact, reminds me of coaching my own children.

Be gentle, honey; pet the doggy softly. No, no! We read books; we don’t throw them in the toilet. I’m so proud of you for not getting in trouble at school today!  Thank you for doing the dishes. Hey, great job getting up this morning and getting ready for school all on your own. I really liked the way you didn’t call your brother an asshole today. Thank you for unclogging the toilet without having to be told.

It also reminds me of CF telling me he wanted me to come watch him mow the yard. He wanted me to follow him with my eyes, and maybe fetch him a cool refreshing drink. He wanted me to just touch him as I passed by. Guess what, Sarah? I did all those things for the giant man baby. He’s living with and fucking his cousin now.

Was I faithful because he did all of these things you’re telling us wives to do? Hell, do they even need to do any of these things? You never talk about any give and take in relationships; it’s all about what women need to do to hang on to their man. So I apologize for being a bit unclear.

Ultimately though, no, I wasn’t faithful because he did all those things. Oh sure, occasionally he would pick me up a candy bar from the gas station. He would thank me for making dinner. Towards the end he would tell me I was sexy or beautiful or amazing. I got about 16 months of that. Mostly he kicked me out of the bed, didn’t want to hold my hand, and closed himself off in the bedroom. I was faithful because I have a moral compass. I was faithful because I’m loyal until the end. I was faithful because I took my vows seriously. I was faithful because that’s just who I am.

I say again: You do not control another person’s behavior. Not by what you do. Not by what you don’t do.

8. Be Sexy – Even if you sit around in your sweatpants all day, be sure to change just before he comes home from work into something sexier. Oh and remember to shave those legs, and other parts.

Yes, because there’s nothing I love more than donning high heels and cleaning toilets! Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I can clean the toilets in comfort; I just need to make sure I hop right up before he gets home so that I can shower and shave and look like some sort of sex goddess. Because otherwise he’ll cheat.

You sound like the 1950s Home Ec book that made its rounds: Put a fresh ribbon in your hair. Lightly spray perfume.

Because once again we are nothing more than the man’s adoring audience.

The kids are killing one another? Oops! Sorry, kids, Daddy’s on his way home. Mommy’s got to put on her mini skirt and high heels so that Daddy feels like a real man when he gets home. If Mommy isn’t sexy enough Daddy will leave her and you’ll grow up being bounced back and forth between two homes.

You’ve spent twelve hours with a screaming, colicky baby? Just put that baby down, apply some make-up, put on your best slut clothes and get ready to dazzle!

You’ve got one kid who needs to be transported to karate and one that needs to be picked up from piano. You’re in the middle of making dinner, one of your kid’s teachers just called, and you forgot to grab the dry cleaning and it closes in fifteen minutes. Don’t worry about any of that. Chuck all your responsibilities and put on something pretty. Leopard print is preferable.

You know what I want, Sarah? I want a man who thinks I look sexy even when I am wearing sweats. I want a man who can appreciate the fact that I’m making dinner, juggling schedules, and keeping everything going and yet still look up from what I’m doing and say, “Hi, baby! How was your day?”

See? I’m not a total bitch. I have no problem with doing things for others. Hell, I did EVERYTHING for the man I married. He still cheated. Because whatever it was that I did it was never enough.

I oppose this idea that by ignoring all of our wants and needs, and that by doing things we don’t feel like doing, we will somehow have this perfect relationship with a man who would never dream of cheating… if we can just dance pretty enough for him.

9. Ambiance – Create an environment he will enjoy when he comes home. Focus on soft lighting, scented candles and gentle music playing. Maybe run a hot bath, or jump in a steamy shower with him. Have his favourite drink ready, or enjoy a glass of wine together. Hide the kid’s toys, and any other clutter.

I wish you could see me right now, Sarah, because I am rolling my eyes so hard I fear they might fall out of my head. I think, dear Sarah, that this is the main difference between a wife and a mistress.

As his mistress you never had children. You were a kept woman. You fucked rich, married, entitled men who would pay your rent, buy you pretty things and support you. Your “job”, if you will, was to please him at all times. You could set the stage. You could play your gentle music with your candlelight glowing and then enjoy a glass of wine together. You could jump in the shower with him. Because you had no other obligations.

And what in the hell is with this, “run a hot bath”? Are you seriously drawing a bath for a grown ass man because he can’t figure out how to run a faucet, or because he’s just so exhausted he doesn’t have time? Or is this one of those, “We’ll soak in the tub together because it’s so romantic and sexy,” moments? Dear Jesus I hope it’s the latter.

Let me tell you what would have happened if I had done that when my kids were little. The candles probably would have ended up knocked over and setting the house on fire. They would be wondering why we weren’t listening to The Disney Channel and running around like crazy. While we were soaping each other up in the shower, sipping our wine, they would be going crazy in the other room. If the house hadn’t caught on fire then there would be a mess of epic proportions. Guess who would get to clean that up? Of course it would be me. I’d lay 50-50 odds on whether or not my daughter would have tried to kill my son. And honestly? I would be amazed if we could even keep them out of the bathroom while we had our sexy time. They could pick locks. More than likely we would be treated to little hands pulling back the shower curtain and little voices asking, “What are you doing in here? When are you going to be done? Why are you taking a shower together? Can I have some of your drink? Why does his penis look like that? Are you done yet? I’m hungry. Picasso won’t stop touching me. Can I get in the shower with you? Rock Star hit me.”

 

Advice From the Mistress, Part 2

Get those vomit buckets ready, ladies. We’ve got more advice from the lovely Sarah.

4. Communicating and the art of communication – Flirt with him throughout the day either via text, email, phone etc (*Note: that’s what all Mistresses do with your husbands*). Be fun and fun loving. Don’t nag! Ultimately make him WANT to come home to you, not HAVE to come home to you.

I detest this one with the fire of a thousand suns. Probably because it reminds me of what CF wanted me to do. Because the whore did it. I will say again, so that I am very clear, I think it’s wonderful when couples communicate throughout the day. I think the random sexy message and flirty text is a great thing. You know what’s not great? Being pressured into doing this. Having the expectation that you will do this every day, all the time. Your partner not respecting your time and the fact that you may be busy doing other things. Someone acting like a fucking high school student with their phone connected to their hand at all times so they can constantly text one another.

I’ve got a job! I can’t be on my phone all day long. I guess if I ever venture back into the dating pool I am doomed to be cheated on again and again because I can’t sit around texting my boyfriend constantly. What in the hell did people do before cell phones? Before this idea that two people in a relationship need to be in constant contact all day long, every damn day? I don’t think wives were calling their husbands at work at

9 am: Thanks for that morning quickie. I can hardly wait until you get home.

10:15: I miss you.

10:45: It’s been so long since I’ve heard your voice. I want you! I’m going to do all sorts of naughty things to you when you walk in that door.

11:30: Whatchya doing?

12:15: I’m lifting up my shirt and showing my boobs to you. Can you see it now? Close your eyes and imagine it!

1:30: I’m so hot and horny for you! I don’t know if I can wait until you get home.

2:00: How’s your day been?

2:45: I just called to say I missed you.

How would they have managed to get any work done?

OF COURSE the mistresses all do this. It’s a hook. See? I’m sooooo much better than your wife. It’s also one of the only ways they can be with this married man throughout the day.

Furthermore, I’m not taking advice from a whore, especially not my husband’s whore. How dare he try to turn me into her? He should be worried about what he needs to do to keep me! (Too bad I didn’t have that attitude when I was still married and “reconciling” with CF.)

My shit eating chimp decided that a mistress that lived hours away was a good idea. Sexting and flirty messages were all they had for day to day communication. And my guess would be that if you’re going to have an affair sex is going to figure prominently in that situation. She’s not going to be texting him to tell him the toilet is backed up or one of the kids is in trouble at school. She’s going to be texting him to tell him how much she wants him, how handsome and sexy he is, and to tempt him with promises of more once they can finally be together. It’s all fantasies and no responsibilities.

The wife, on the other hand, has an actual life with him. The sink gets clogged and a plumber needs to be called. A child is doing poorly in school. The in-laws want to come out for Spring Break. She doesn’t have the luxury of pretending that there is nothing else in this world going on except the crotch tingles she feels for her husband. Fuck the kids! Fuck your parents! Fuck me NOW!

You might be able to get away with that occasionally but if you think that’s what’s going to happen all the time in a marriage then you’re going to find there are a lot of things that don’t get taken care of and your life is going to crumble all around you.

5. Be Intimate with your husband everyday – Preferably sex YES! But even if you don’t always feel like it, there are other things you can do. If you’re not sleeping with your husband, I guarantee someone else is! Even a hug and a kiss will be welcomed if you can’t go the whole way, but some form of intimacy is essential.

Basically, what you’re saying, Sarah, is that you need to put out because if you don’t your husband has such lack of control he will be compelled to go out and fuck some random stranger. Yeah, no. We don’t control anyone’s behavior except our own. (Okay, I will acknowledge there are some extremely co-dependent personalities that are undoubtedly at the mercy of their partner but I would like to think those people are few in number.)

I already talked about the woman who wrote a book on relationships, advising women to never refuse their husband sex because if you weren’t giving it up he’d find someone who would. Even with that mindset her husband still cheated on her. She now has an elementary aged stepchild.

I’ve already talked about the women who were stunned to find out their husbands were cheating because they had sex with them every day or every other day (I guess that one day on, one day off was just too much for the sex starved husband).

Really, what kind of a relationship is that? I know I’m sick, baby, but maybe we could do it doggy style in the bathroom. If you just let me lean over the toilet I can throw up while you’re riding me hard and you’ll never have to miss a beat.

What happens if I get cancer and I’m exhausted and nauseous from chemotherapy? I know several females who either are going through, or have gone through cancer treatment. Are the husbands justified in getting it elsewhere now? After all if the premise is you need to be intimate every day you can’t let a little thing like cancer and fighting for your life stop you from fucking your husband or being intimate in some other way. Those husbands can’t be expected to be faithful now that their wives are unable to perform, can they?

What if I’m in pain? Maybe I broke an arm or a leg, or I’m having back spasms. Just fuck through the pain? What if I have a stroke? Are you still going to love me then or will you cheat on me because I can’t have sex every day?

When you’re a mistress sex is always new and exciting. It’s not something you necessarily have an opportunity to do every day. After all he has to concoct a lie to tell his wife so that he can get away and be with the mistress. So obviously when the two of those nitwits get together they’re going to be having sex. It’s what their relationship is built on typically. Some may argue that the mistress is their very best friend and they have such a stimulating meeting of the minds. They might argue that she understands him, she “gets” him in a way that no one else does. But if you ask him if he would want to be with her if they could never have sex again I think we know what the answer would be. No, seriously. You trade in your wife for this woman who is the Great Understander. You can talk to her about anything and everything but you can never have sex with her. I don’t think most of these men would still say, “Sign me up! She stimulates my mind and that’s enough for me!”

And once again we’re back to the premise of this delightful school which is that women are nothing more than penis receptacles. Do things you don’t feel like doing, even when you have a very valid reason for not wanting to do it, because your husband demands it of you and if you don’t then you can’t expect him to be faithful.

I will also state again, just to be clear, that I’m not talking about someone who withholds sex forever. I don’t think that’s an excuse to cheat but I want to be clear I’m not trying to justify the wife who has just suddenly decided she never wants to have sex again. That’s one extreme. Dear Sarah is on the complete opposite extreme. Give it up all the time, every day, or you’re a bad wife.

6. Put more friendship in your romance – Lighten up on the romantic side of your marriage. See your man as your best friend as well as your lover. That way you can really be yourself and be relaxed around him, just as you are with good friends.

Excuse me, Sarah. I’m a little confused here. You’ve just given me a list of 5 things that I’m supposed to do that don’t acknowledge I’m an actual person. If I’m counting correctly I can expect 6 more tidbits of awesome advice that completely discount me as a real live person. Your advice up to this point has been all about NOT being myself. Your advice has been hyper focused on how I look and what I do to make “my man” feel like he’s just the greatest thing in the universe. I feel like you’re moving the goal posts here.

This one really made me laugh, though, because with all the emphasis on sex and looking hot and sexy up until this point and then switching gears into being best buds I was imaging actual friendships I have. I can only imagine the side glance J would give me if I sidled up behind her and grabbed her ass. Or if I texted my other friend to tell her how sexy she looked. She didn’t like me grinding up against her, dancing drunk back when we were in college. I can’t imagine she’d appreciate a little touchy feely now.

Let me make sure I have this right. Be at his beck and call, text him nonstop with messages about how handsome and sexy he is and how I’d like to blow him, fuck him every day, make sure I don’t get fat, but lighten up and have some fun! Be his buddy! And then fuck him again. No matter how tired you might be.

Oh Sarah, I can hardly wait to see what other nuggets of gold are awaiting us.

Gosh, Just Be Grateful He Picked You!

October 2014

I was reading one of my favorite infidelity websites. Is that an oxymoron or what? The topic was why does he stay? I’ve been honest that I still sometimes wonder if he stayed because of the kids. Hell, for all I know he called her and said, “Baby, I’m all yours!” and she said, “Uh, no thank you.” And that’s when he decided I wasn’t that bad after all. Now, he insists he knew he loved me June 13th when I confronted him. He can’t quite explain why he was such a dick to me then. And of course there’s that little mystery of why, if he knew he loved me and wanted me, he continued his affair with her. He doesn’t have an answer for that.

Anyway, a popular approach to this vexing question seems to be: What does it matter why he picked you? He chose you. Now you can begin to do the hard work of rebuilding your marriage.

Oh yea! That’s exactly what I want to do when I’m the second choice or the choice of convenience. I mean, I get why that advice is there. It sounds sound. Hahaha. I crack myself up. But does that really cut it for most of us? No, we want to know he stayed because he realized he had made a huge mistake and he is madly in love with us. I don’t want to deal with him pining away for her. I don’t want to know he’s constantly wondering, “What if…?” Again, I am probably a cut your nose off to spite your face kinda gal but I wouldn’t want my husband under those conditions. You either want me or you want your whore. If you want me it had better be because you love me and realize what you’re going to lose. If I find out later you’ve chosen me because you don’t want to miss out on your kids’ lives, or a divorce would be too expensive, or you don’t know if you can really bridge that long distance gap or she isn’t ready to leave her husband or, or, or… Then I don’t want you. This crap quickly gets hard and I’m not wading through shit for someone that’s not madly in love with me. I don’t care if the feelings eventually come back. I don’t care if he eventually realizes he’s in love and very happy. I don’t care if the end result is he’s happy and he knows I’m the one for him. He had better feel all that before I agree to work on this marriage with him because agreeing to do so with no guarantee that will happen is just not for me. As I said it’s hard work and I’m not willing to do it for some selfish ass that thinks he’s thrown away his only chance for happiness and is resigned to living a life of misery with me. Or willing to see if he can transform his misery with me into something bearable to withstand another 10 years or so of marriage.

Present Day Sam Says: Yet another lesson to share with you all. If the cheating spouse is trying to figure out which one to pick, is mooning over the other person, and has basically chosen you because it’s the honorable thing to do and their happiness no longer means anything, run. Seriously. Set them free. Cut them loose. It’s not worth it. Plus, you will always be blamed for any problems or unhappiness they are feeling.

In my situation I didn’t even get the ten years. It was less than two and he was out there fucking around with the exact same whore. I’ll give him this much. He played a good game. He was an excellent con man. I sometimes actually believed him when he said he had made a horrible mistake with her and that I was the one he really loved and wanted, and that he wanted his family.

Here we are not quite two and a half years later and he’s living with the whore. He walked out on all of us. He hasn’t set eyes on his kids in over a year. Yep, he really valued all of us.

So folks, if they’re not staying because they realize they have made a huge mistake and they’re willing to spend the rest of their lives making it up to you and they will withstand your anger and your sadness as long as it takes? Get rid of them. It will never be the marriage you deserve.

The Whole Sad Story, Part 1

My story starts over 2 years ago, right before Mother’s Day. My STBX seems to have a thing about ruining holidays and special days for me. Oh wow- I just had an epiphany writing this actually.  My STBX always complained about holidays and how he didn’t enjoy them.  I swear, if we could have ordered in pizza and done nothing on any major holidays he would have been content.  To be fair, he did get a little better once the kids came along.   Anyway… right before Mother’s Day he was having what I thought was a panic attack.  I asked him what was wrong and he replied that he couldn’t tell me.  He then said, “You’ll hate me.”  My next question, of course, was, “What did you do?”  At this point he tells me he has been texting other women.  He didn’t say what he was texting.  For all I knew he was confiding his problems in these “women” and it was something totally innocent.  He goes on to tell me that he doesn’t know two of them but he does know the third person and he tells me who it is.  She was his cousin.  Um, ok.  I was in such shock I couldn’t really think to ask him any questions. This had come completely out of the blue and I had had absolutely no idea that anything was going on.  There was the obligatory:  Do you want a divorce?  To which he responded:  No!  Tell me what I can do to make this up to you!  I won’t contact any of them anymore!

Spoiler alert! I’m going to jump ahead in time to tell you what I found out along the way. There were no “women”.  There was one woman.  He included women he had responded to on an advice board in his total tally of women he was inappropriately corresponding with. These interactions were innocent.  It was an open forum.  But his cousin?  Oh, not innocent at all.  They were texting and sexting and she was sending him naked pictures.  They talked about a future together, told each other they loved one another.  Yet another spoiler alert!  In October of that year I found messages between him and his nephew dating back to before he confessed to me where he was bragging about marrying her and they were planning on getting tattoos together.  Isn’t that sweet?

The incident was pretty much swept under the rug.  What the hell do you say to that?  I was in shock.  He said it was over.  I tried to “improve” myself, be more aware of my own faults, you know, those things that drove him to cheat on me. Plus, I really had no idea at the time what he meant when he said he was texting other women.  I still thought he was a good guy.  I still honestly believed he could be so wracked with guilt over having confided his troubles to another woman.  I told myself I didn’t really know what he had done and it could very well have been completely innocent.  I told myself I didn’t want to know, that I didn’t need those images in my brain.  Oh, you poor, sweet stupid woman!

You have to understand- when I married my husband his mom and sister both said they thought he would never find anyone to marry him.  They joked about what a loner he was.  He has always been rather quiet and introverted, sort of socially awkward.  Our daughter even told me one time, “Mom, if you ever leave him he will be alone for the rest of his life.”   Not to mention he was all about honor and duty.  I honestly would have bet my life that he would never cheat.  I figured maybe he could one day leave me, but I never ever thought he would cheat.  Obviously, had I made that bet I’d be dead now.

Over Memorial Day weekend his sister had posted a long rambling thank you to him for his service and included his picture. I noticed that the OW liked all of this on Facebook.  I thought that was very strange.  Maybe it’s just me but if I got dumped by someone who was insisting he loved me the last thing I would want to do is “like” anything having to do with that person.  As I told myself, “I don’t care how patriotic that bitch is, this just doesn’t seem right.”  Add on to that all the Facebook sleuthing I had done and I could see where she was liking everything his sister would post, including her hokey quote about happiness vs. doing the right thing.  Naturally, she was in the camp of doing what makes you happy vs. doing what is right.  I found all of it very strange.  Why was she so invested in his immediate family?  Why wouldn’t she go away? No, no more spoiler alerts at this time.  You must continue reading if you want to find out.

He leaves to go to a wedding and my neurosis is out of control.  My gut was screaming and I was terrified that they were going to meet up at this wedding.  I admit it.  I went a little crazy when he was gone.  When he came back home he found her profile picture posted up around the house in several locations.  It was my lock screen on my computer, as well.  The very next day she blocked me.  Hmmmmm….. now that’s strange, don’t ya think?

I told a friend about it and she said that was not good.  She advised me to meet with a lawyer and to open up a separate bank account.  I did neither.  I called a marriage counselor instead and made an appointment.

For his part he would throw the pictures away once he found them.  He even changed my lock screen.  I also remember him coming upon yet another picture that he had missed and him asking me, “Are you about done with this?”

It took me a week to work up my courage to tell him about this appointment and as expected he refused to go.  We got into a huge fight.  I was crying.  He was looking on dispassionately.  I asked him what they had talked about.  He refused to answer.  I asked him why she blocked me.  He told me that was between the two of us and he had no idea.  He denied he was in contact with her, swore he hadn’t seen her when he was at the wedding, and denied that there had been any plans to meet up.  Liar, liar, pants on fire!  Later that evening I told him I thought we could be happy together.  He told me he thought it would be too “weird” to be happy with me after all these years of living “like roommates”.  He told me he wanted everything to go back to the way it was where I would do my thing and he would do his; he tacitly threatened me with divorce if I wouldn’t drop it.  I reminded him that only 6 weeks prior he had sent me a text telling me he loved me, he had always loved me.  “Do you still feel that way?” I asked him.  “I don’t know.  I care about you,” was his reply.  Plucky little me told him, “I’m not giving up on us!”  In hindsight, that deserves a big ol’ blech!

I proceeded to spend the rest of the summer doing my best to “win” my husband back.  I would go out to the garage and listen to music with him.  Rap music.  I’m not a big fan.  I know more lyrics to L’il Wayne songs than anyone should.  Trust me on this one. I consider it a source of shame that I can actually identify him by his voice.  To add insult to injury it was a record breaking scorcher of a summer. So I was out in a hot garage listening to awful music with him.  I threw myself at him, walking a delicate line between offering myself up to him and not pressuring him.  I went to counseling alone.  I watched Facebook to see if the OW would make an appearance.  I never pushed him to say he loved me.  I never said it to him either because I didn’t want to put him in an awkward situation.  I did my best to keep the house clean and the laundry done. I made an effort to put make-up on and have my hair done.  He made another trip to visit his family and his sister posted a picture of the two of them.  I waited to see if the OW would like it but she never did.  I finally let out a sigh of relief.

About three weeks later as I’m walking into the store to get last minute items for my daughter’s birthday party (I told you he had a knack for ruining holidays and special events!) I get a message from the OW’s husband.  Yes, not only does she find it perfectly acceptable to chase after MY husband, but also she finds it perfectly acceptable to cheat on her own husband.  It was a very short message.  Short and to the point.  Have you found a good divorce attorney yet?

I calmly called my husband at work and asked him if he was free.  When he said he was I told him about the message I received and then asked him to explain this.  He admitted they were still talking and that they “really really liked each other.”  Oh, well, if you really really like each other then that’s ok!  I told him he was living in a fantasy and nothing about their relationship was real and then asked him if she was worth losing his wife and kids.  “I know I don’t want to lose my kids,” was his reply.  That should have been a huge red flag.  I demanded to know what they talked about and he tried to turn it around on me and asked me what I thought they talked about.  “I think you talk about sex, and how much you love each other and how much you want to be together.”  Silence.  “Do you want to tell me I’m wrong?” No, I wasn’t wrong.  He then goes on to tell me that I knew he hadn’t been happy for a few years now. I reminded him that I begged him to go to marriage counseling with me but he refused.  I had asked him to do things with us as a family but he didn’t want to.  I reminded him that I had suggested a date night but his response was:  Why would you want to do that?  I also pointed out that having an affair was not exactly a way to improve your marriage.  I reminded him of everything I had done for him over the years and everything we had been through.  Finally I asked him how long he thought I was going to put up with this.  I reminded him that I deserved to be happy, too.  With that I told him to get his head out of his ass and make a decision.  Either end it with her, send her a text and let me see it, or we were done.  This whole time I’m dumping ice into coolers and loading them up with drinks for the party.

After I finished getting ready for my daughter’s party and had loaded everything into my car I  drove out to the party location to set up, all the while thinking I was headed for divorce. I was convinced he was going to choose her and would never send the text as I had requested.  I tried to call my mom to let her know what was going on but I guess she was too busy making funeral arrangements for my step-father to answer the phone at the time.  By the time I finished setting up I had received two text messages from my husband.  The first one said he didn’t want to lose any of us.  The second one said he would send the text to end it.