The Biggest Lie Of All

Between the other board I read and a recent blog post I read on WordPress I’ve come to the conclusion that most of the population is fairly stupid and naive when it comes to infidelity.

I was reading not that long ago a post from a woman who made the edgy, “unpopular” proclamation that infidelity was not a deal breaker in her marriage. Both she and her husband agreed it was no reason to divorce (you have to put that “one mistake” up against the entire relationship, dontchaknow?); furthermore, they both agreed they would never confess if they did cheat because confessing was for the cheater and only burdened the betrayed spouse.

Oh, there was plenty of talk about how she wouldn’t be surprised if he had already cheated because the statistics say everyone does it, or at least the majority of people do it. Plus, they’ve been together for more than thirty years so why would she throw that away for one little indiscretion?

On the other board one of the women who had in fact been cheated on (repeatedly) by her current husband made the comment that she realized her husband was a “flawed human being seeking to have basic physical needs met.” That didn’t mean he didn’t love her. He absolutely did. This same person insists that there is an entire cultural attitude that applauds those who kick out the cheater and berate or shame those that try to work it out.

There were a few women who talked about how much work goes into restoring a relationship after it’s been rocked by infidelity. There were many kudos given for those who do the “hard work” of rebuilding trust and working through it.

I was especially shocked by the stance of one poster that I admire. Her husband had cheated on her, purposely got the AP pregnant, and eventually moved in with her. He also had no intentions of ever filing for divorce. In his world he was perfectly content to remain married while shacking up with his AP and love child.. She said this about her own daughters facing infidelity in their marriage: I would want my daughters to think deeply before they get a divorce. There are worse things than a “moment of indiscretion.” If my daughter was convinced that the husband was truly sorry and truly loved her, I could understand why she would give her husband a second chance.

I shake my head as I read all of this. There are several problems with these lines of thinking.

The biggest lie is that affairs are just about sex. No, affairs are about lies and deception. You don’t make a mistake when you cheat on your partner. You make a series of mistakes, generally dozens, when you cheat on your partner. There is the choice to chat up a co-worker or friend. The choice to continue on with all of that when you know you are playing with fire. There are the lies to cover your tracks. There are the lies to explain your absences. Then there is the sexual act itself. That’s followed by all the lies and deception used to cover up what you just did. Followed by more lies so you can do it again.

I would love to ask the writer of the blog who declared infidelity not a deal breaker in her marriage if losing a baby due her spouse’s infidelity might be a deal breaker. How about if you were diagnosed with an incurable STD? There are several readers over on Chump Lady who’ve actually been given HPV which has led to cancer. Would that be a deal breaker or is that another thing you would need to put up against your thirty wonderful years together? How about if you found out your husband and his mistress were slowly poisoning you? Is that a deal breaker or are you still going to try to work things out? What about if you found out your spouse was draining marital accounts to fund the affair? What if they “loaned” money to the affair partner? What if your spouse bought phones for, and then allowed you to get online and pay the cell phone bill for your “in-laws”, only you find out two months later you’ve been paying the cell phone bill for his mistress and her daughter? Are we still overlooking all of this because, you know, it’s just sex? Is the long history together still winning out over all this douche-y behavior?

Unfortunately, many times it’s not a simple matter of some horny person out there fucking whatever moves. Many, many times, if not most of the time, affairs involve financial deception as well. “I’m sending my mom money for groceries! I’ve got a ‘business trip’ next weekend. I’m ‘investing’ in a friend’s company.” They involve gas lighting and mind fucking. “I’m not having an affair. You’re crazy! When you don’t trust me it leads me to want to actually do what you’re accusing me of! I would never cheat on you! You and the kids mean everything to me. I swear on our children’s lives I’m not cheating. Maybe you’re the cheater and you’re projecting on to me.”

Go read the comments sometime on Chump Lady. You will find person after person who has been left financially destitute after being cheated on and left. Accounts drained (hello!). Houses foreclosed on (hello!). Support withheld (hi again!). Businesses devalued. Money given to or spent on the AP. Signatures forged. Credit card debt run up. Money hidden. It’s not just sex. It is a far reaching plan to deceive and destroy another person.

As for this idea that a cheater is simply a “flawed human being seeking to have physical needs met”, well, I sure hope that both the cheater and the affair partner are on the same page in regards to what’s happening here. I’ve heard a few stories where the AP thinks this is the romance of the century and when they find out that’s not the case… they turn into a bunny boiler. Seems such a shame to ruin this beautiful “physical needs being taken care of” romance with stalking and hysteria and threatening phone calls to the spouse.

I also hope a pregnancy does not occur because these physical needs were taken care of outside of the marriage. That would be a little awkward, huh? According to ID TV that’s usually when the cheater kills the AP. Of course, if the cheater is a woman and she’s the one who gets pregnant… again, might be a little awkward, but totally not out of the realm of possibility that she might try to pass it off as her husband’s child. Nothing like a paternity test to spice up a marriage! But hey, it’s just sex, right?

I hope that poster is right and she doesn’t find her husband leaving her for someone else a few years down the road. It’s not that unusual for men to trade in their spouse when she gets into her 40s or 50s. Gray divorce is a huge topic these days. Why keep the middle aged wife with her stretch marks and muffin top when he’s got a hot, toned, child free twenty something offering him blow jobs and fun times? My jaded philosophy is something along these lines: Even if it’s not a hot, younger woman, if your husband fucks around on you often enough eventually he’s going to find a replacement for you.

As for this idea that there is a cultural trend to shame those that remain with their husbands I have to say, “Oh please!” Aside from Chump Lady’s blog I can’t think of another blog that encourages leaving the cheater. There is, in fact, an entire industry devoted to helping you “affair-proof” your marriage, teaching you all about the 180, promising you that the affair will be “the best thing to ever happen to your marriage”, and otherwise encouraging you to work through the infidelity and to reconcile. They sell programs and constantly promise to tell you how to win back a wandering spouse. And as always, they promise that your marriage will be “better and stronger than before!”

Look at all the kudos for the people who choose to stay and work through the infidelity. They are “applauded”. They are lifted up in praise because they did the “hard work” it took to work through all of that. People are cautioned to “think carefully” before divorcing a cheating spouse because surely there are worse things than a “momentary lapse in judgement”.

Meanwhile, those who do divorce are judged as being unforgiving. They lack compassion and think they are superior. We foolishly base our decision on one small, insignificant mistake instead of thinking rationally and taking into account the entire relationship.

If we’re not judged as being unforgiving and lacking compassion then we’re judged as being moral failures. Hell, there was a blogger that thought there should be a divorce tax and who advocated shunning those who divorce! Obviously we didn’t value marriage; we’re tossing aside our solemn vows because we’re not “happy.”

We’re accused of taking the “easy way out”. <Snort> Please. Like working entry level jobs, moving in with your mom, losing your home and everything in it, being forced to move out of the state, and sleeping on the couch is so much easier than remaining a stay at a home mom who lives on over $200,000 a year, lives in a nice big house she calls her own, complete with a pool and a hot tub, and has all the time in the world to visit friends and go on vacation. Oh hell yes. Getting up at 3:30 in the morning and working at Target before dropping off my kid at school and then going to my regular full-time job was so much easier than getting up at 7:00, making my kids breakfast, dropping them off at school, and then spending the rest of the day doing whatever I wanted.

Not to mention that some of us didn’t get the “opportunity” to do the so-called hard work of rebuilding our marriage. Some of us got dumped. Some of us were blindsided. For some of us our husbands or wives had our replacements lined up long before we knew we were headed for divorce.

It didn’t take a genius to see the writing on the wall. I did give some thought to approaching CF with “an arrangement.” He could have his cousin on the side, but we would stay together until both kids had graduated from high school. He would not be allowed to financially support her; the kids and I would be the beneficiaries of his paycheck and bonus. However, it became quickly apparent that such an arrangement had less than a snowball’s chance in hell of working. He was lying. He was giving her huge sums of money already. They had a bank account together. He was interviewing for jobs out of state. I was certain he was not planning on taking me and the kids with him. It was going to be a solo move. So I bit the bullet. I lawyered up. I protected myself. I filed for divorce.

Here is another very important part to consider. Most of the people over on Chump Lady have tried reconciliation. I don’t have statistics but my guess, from what I’ve read over the years and through various sources, is that the majority of people who find out their spouse is cheating on them, try to reconcile. I truly believe very few people follow through with kicking the cheater to the curb without a second thought. I think most of us at least try. There may be some who try and decide they can’t get over this, but they do at least try to make it work. This is where that important part comes in.

I’ve read way too many stories over there about people who opted to forgive and rebuild trust, who chose reconciliation, who decided it was worth it to do the hard work and not let one little mistake define their entire relationship, who forgave the cheater and welcomed them back home, only to have the cheater do it all over again years later. In some cases it was years between affairs, and in other cases the cheater took it deeper underground and lived a double life for ten to twenty years before cruelly discarding their spouse. I can’t think of a single one of them who says, “I have no regrets; I cherish every single extra year I got with my cheating spouse. Though the marriage may be dead I will comfort myself with the many wonderful memories we created.” No, what they all say, almost without fail, is that they wish they had left the first time and that they regret wasting all of those years with that person. There are a few who say they are glad they tried marriage counseling, they’re glad they tried to fix it, because they know they did everything they possibly could to make it work so they leave with a clean conscience. But I can’t think of anyone who says they are glad for the extra years with their cheater. There is only regret for wasting a single minute more on that person who chose to turn around and betray them again.

 

The Doubts

Welcome to Part 3 on my series of the folly of pain shopping. You can read Part 1 and/or part 2 if you are so inclined.

I do not want him back. He is a pox upon humanity. I am madly in love with the mobster and I am happier than I have ever been. Still…. I look at that shit on her Facebook and I wonder…

Was he right and we just weren’t good together? Is Harley better suited for him because she doesn’t mind sitting at home all day long? Will their love of Kentucky basketball see them through every hardship? Is she just better than me in his eyes, because he certainly didn’t want any part of the family life with me and our kids? I couldn’t get him out of his damn bed. I couldn’t pry him away from the TV. We didn’t take trips together. He didn’t feel the need to be a supportive dad to his own kids. He never complimented me where everyone in the world could see it.

Was he right and I was a terrible wife? I never put photo frames around his picture and declared I loved my veteran. I thanked him every year but I didn’t post pictures and photo frames and declarations of love. Maybe she is just all around better than me. I envision her working her 40+ hours a week, bringing home a substantial paycheck and still having plenty of time to cook dinner, clean house and do laundry all while being supermom to her kids. At least three of them.

I work 40+ works hours a week and bring home less now than I did when I first started, thanks to taxes, a 401k, and crappy medical insurance for me and my two kids. My mom cooks and does laundry. I rarely see my kids- Rock Star is gone a huge chunk of the time and Picasso is off doing his own thing in his room. I did begin and end this divorce with two kids so I’ve got that going for me. I’ll put that one in the win column for me.

I see pictures of them with all their pets so I know I didn’t turn him off because I loved animals and had a house full.

I sometimes even see witty memes and I think to myself, “That’s pretty funny; too bad you’re a whore.”

Was he right and I just wasn’t “the one”? I wasn’t a good fit and she is. Is it that simple? Maybe they really are deliriously happy together. Maybe it’s the love affair of the century, Kentucky style.

Maybe I just wasn’t the right wife for him and she is. Did I fail him? Did he at one point think I had all the necessary traits he wanted/needed in a wife, but over the years he came to realize I did not?

That is the fear, isn’t it? It’s not that the two people who did this to you are evil, horrible, rotten people who should be strung up and shot; it’s that those two people who did this to you are so much better suited to one another. They compliment each other. They fit together. They make a better couple. They realized it and weren’t afraid to plunge ahead while you clung to the past with everything you had. It’s about being bested by a whore with no morals who may actually be the better partner because God knows he does things for her and her kids that he never bothered to do for me and mine.

Was I the starter wife? Did he learn from his mistakes with me? Did he finally realize that barricading himself in the bedroom and submerging himself in the television all by himself was not the path to a happy marriage so now he’ll do better? Is that why he’s willing to do all the things that I would have loved for him to do with all of us?

Did I somehow prevent him from living up to his potential? Was I too overbearing when it came to the kids? Is that why he was reluctant to come with us but is always ready and willing to help out with her kids and to act like one big happy family with them?

Would insisting on family dinners around the table have helped? What if I was a better housekeeper? Maybe he wouldn’t have minded being in the living room instead of shutting himself off in the bedroom. Maybe it really was me! If I had kept the house cleaner and cooked more he never would strayed. Okay, that’s a little over the top. But maybe if I had kept the house cleaner he wouldn’t have chosen to stay in his bedroom so much, or chosen to remain downstairs in the basement watching television while the kids and I stayed upstairs. I’ve said before I think that was when the breakdown began and we began living separate lives, so if I had been better at that one thing then I could have saved this and my kids would never know a life of poverty. Her little snapshots of life are all about family life and being together and doing things together. I keep coming back to: If I had been a better housekeeper maybe he wouldn’t have retreated, and all those pictures of cozy Sundays in front of a fire, or outings with children could be us.

He kept telling me I could watch whatever I wanted on TV. He didn’t need to have it on ESPN or History Channel. I never believed him though, and truthfully, didn’t want to spend hours upon hours holed up in the bedroom. It seems like she doesn’t mind and maybe if I had forced myself to do that then I would still be married.

Was I too easy going? Did that disappoint him? Did he want someone to push back? Did he want more fire? Did I make things too easy for him? Perhaps I should have taken a stand and demanded more from him. Maybe when I sighed and took on more and more of the tasks he saw it as a sign I didn’t see him worth fighting for.

Did I just flat-out disappoint him when it came to being his wife? Were there tons of things I didn’t do that a good wife should do and that Harley the Whore obviously does? I didn’t fawn over him. I didn’t call him out on Facebook all the time. I didn’t marvel over him. I didn’t bring him a cool drink while he mowed the yard. I didn’t want to snuggle in bed all day with him. I didn’t want to watch Mountain Men with him. I fell asleep on the couch even once he “allowed” me to come back and sleep in the bed. Maybe I really didn’t love him the way you should love your husband. Maybe he is now getting the love he deserves and he feels complete and happy. We all know I couldn’t make him happy, no matter how hard I tried. She appears to make him happy all the time. If you don’t believe me take a gander at her Facebook page. Everyone there will tell you how happy they both look!

Why? That is the overwhelming question that rushes through my brain as I looked at all that crap. Why was he willing to do all of this with her and her kids? He could celebrate birthdays with them, go to the zoo, take “family” vacations, go to cheer competitions, go to the hospital with her kid and fetch candy. Why can he be Dad of the Year to her kids when all he could do with ours was sit in the bedroom and watch TV? Why did we have to practically beg him to go anywhere with us? How is it that now he’s able to go away on couple’s vacations and spend time together outside of the safety of his bedroom in the evening? Why is he getting his teeth fixed? Why is he suddenly getting involved in veteran’s groups? Why is he wearing sandals with jeans? Was it something about me? Did I lack something that would have motivated him to do those things? Is she just better at getting him out of his shell? Did he give up because he thought I didn’t care?

The mobster thought this had really gotten into my head. Maybe it has but I think it’s natural to see things like that and wonder, “Why the hell couldn’t he (or she) have done all of that while we were married? Why did it take blowing up the original family for the ex to finally act the way I wish he (or she) had acted when he was with me?

I can tell you this: I will no longer be looking at her Facebook page. I do know they are masters at image management. I know that if her head was on fire she would not acknowledge it. She’d be saying, “I’m a little chilly; anyone got a sweater?” I know that ultimately it doesn’t matter what kind of a cook she is, or how promptly she does laundry, or if she keeps a cleaner house than I did because she is a woman who has no qualms about sleeping with another woman’s husband. She’s a woman who is willing to cheat on her husband. No matter what good things she may do to cover up the evil that lies within, she is an awful person with crappy character and no moral compass.

I know I don’t want him back and that life is so much nicer without him in it. It doesn’t matter if he goes out to dinner with her daughter or shows up to support her at cheer competitions. It doesn’t matter if he goes to Show and Tell with her son, or is there to hold his hand when he hurts himself. No matter what good deeds he may perform for her children he will always be an ass who abandoned his own kids, who refused to pay child support for them while he drained a 401k of $10,000, and who tried to get out of paying sufficient support for them during his court trial. He played games with child support once he got a job and calculated child support for his “beloved” daughter down to the last half hour for crying out loud. He’s also a man who has no qualms about sleeping with another man’s wife and is willing and able to cheat on his wife. Not only was he willing to cheat on me, but he was willing to lie to me, make a fool out of me, take money away from his kids and give to her and her kids, and then financially rape me. He has crappy character and no moral compass. I guess they really are ideally suited for one another. Thank God no more nice people will be subjected to their lying, cheating ways. They can both wonder what the other one is up to. I think they are probably both too pleased with themselves to ever even consider the idea that the same could be done to them.

Stay away, everyone! Nothing good comes from pain shopping. Nothing! They make you doubt yourself when you know you’re sane. They make you question yourself and your actions even when you know you did nothing wrong. They can convince you that they are living a life of carefree joy and that all of that could have been yours if you had simply danced prettier. They’ll make you wonder what you did wrong and you’ll find yourself comparing yourself to someone who is so far below you there can never be a comparison. Even when you are happy in your new life one look at the cheaters and their life on social media is enough to make you stumble off of that path of newfound happiness and bliss; they’ll take you down a twisted road of doubt and anger and jealousy.  They are master manipulators and you will never be able to compete with their highlight reel. So don’t do it! Stay far, far away!

 

The Highlight Reel

This is the second part in my five part series on the stupidity of pain shopping. You can read the first part here. Let me serve as a lesson to you! Don’t do it!

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I embarked on some “research”. First up was a new picture of her kids on vacation. It might have been Tennessee but it could have easily been somewhere else as well.

They looked like they were having fun. I don’t know if CF came along or if good ol’ Harley is finally learning the joys of life with him. In my mind he came along, because this is Life 2.0. He’s new and improved. He’s the doting husband and the beloved daddy, always ready for adventures with this new version of his family. Naturally, in my narrative he’s telling Harley how much he loves going on vacation and how I would never let him accompany us, how he missed out on so many of these adventures with his own children because of me.

Of course, I also notice the missing fourth child. I guess he wouldn’t play happy family or accept CF as his brand new daddy so he needed to be eradicated. Not even a mention of missing him.

I go back and forth between hoping he has a damn anxiety attack on the way back (or while there) that she needs to deal with and wondering if there was some magic formula I didn’t know existed that would have made him enjoy vacationing with his kids and me. Why does he do this with her and her kids when he would never do it with his own kids?

I see the pictures once again of the happy couple on their wedding day and honeymoon, I suppose. Everyone congratulating them and telling them how happy they are for them. I roll my eyes at the stupidity. It’s laughable. Two cheaters promising to love, honor and forsake all others. Yes, they’ve both got a real good grasp on how marriage is supposed to work.

I so badly want to comment and ask those people if they’re aware of the price her husband, her one son, my kids, and I all had to pay for their happiness. Do you think she’s entitled to happiness at my expense? At my kids’ expense?

I sleep on a couch. My daughter has spent two years basically with her head down just doing her damnedest to graduate and get the hell out of here, to start all over in college. My son, instead of hanging out with friends, stays locked in his room playing video games. We live on a busy street, not a neighborhood. There are no kids around he could hang out with.

But they’re happy and they deserve it because apparently I was a horrible, evil, mean person who tried to shit all over their happiness. No one cares what their happiness did to anybody else’s life.

She wants everyone to know that lazy days spent on the couch in front of the fire with her beloved are her favorite kind of Sunday. He’s got the remote in his hand so he hasn’t changed that much.

I see her incessantly calling him out, mentioning him, tagging him. “I love my veteran!”, “Waiting to watch the fight!” (from their home, on the couch, with him), and letting everyone know how they’re “getting their Halloween on”. Wow- you managed to get him to watch something other than Ice Road Truckers or Mountain Men? Congratulations! You didn’t get him out from under the television altogether but at least you’re watching together.

Again I wonder: Why not with me? Why can he suddenly do all these family and couple oriented things with her that he never could with me? Their life seems to be like a cozy, warm sweater. They carve pumpkins, sip hot apple cider, and watch Halloween movies together. I’m sure Christmas is now magical as well for him.

I see all their happy couple pictures and people cooing all over them. “Beautiful!” “Such a happy couple!” “So nice to finally see you happy!” My former in-laws are the worst offenders. And so incredibly stupid.

My late former mother-in-law shouts out to all on Facebook that, “That’s my baby boy and he’s going to make them my family, too!” Really? Aren’t they already your family? I could have sworn you told me that day you sat in my kitchen that you couldn’t cut her off because she was family. She might be a whore, but gosh darn it, Sam, she’s family, too! I see my evil ex sister-in-law gush that she loves them.

Funny side note: Maybe it’s a woman thing but I definitely noticed how Harley was always commenting on their pages once CF broke things off with her. She didn’t comment much at all before her affair with him but she was all over it once she got dumped. Imagine my surprise when I saw that she’s not falling all over herself to comment on every insipid post and each picture. Curious.

Always there are the obligatory compliments: You are so beautiful. Pretty. Great picture of you, whore.

I freely admit it has always been a sore spot that my former in-laws never missed a chance to tell her how wonderful she looked, while ignoring me.

I posted a new profile picture (obviously this was back when we were still married). Keep in mind I am not the type of person who changes profile pictures every week. That would be Harley. I think this was the first change in two years. Two years! On top of that I had just got my hair cut. I had kept my hair styled basically the same way for years! This was a major change and the most I got from any of them was, “That hairstyle looks nice on you.”

Maybe the former in-laws always thought I was very ugly and wondered what on earth their beloved prince was doing with such an unsuitable specimen. Maybe they like the Hillbilly Whore look. Who knows?

I do my best to shake my head and continue on.

I see all of the pictures of her adorable animals. Most of them purchased by my then-husband. Couldn’t give me money for a homecoming dress for his daughter but he could buy them new animals.

To inject just a brief moment of sanity in this I will note that I don’t see the pets she used to pose with. I wonder if she discarded them like she discarded her son and husband. Much like her new husband discarded his family and pets. Oh well, everything is replaceable, right?

I see her update on moving into their new home. That’s nice, bitch. I live with my mom. My kids don’t have a home of their own. It’s nice that thanks to my husband’s money (and he was my husband at this point in time) your kids are able to move into the nicest home they’ve ever lived in. It’s fantastic that things are going so swell for your kids. Well, except the one you abandoned.

Guess what? She later reveals she loves their new home. There’s so much for her kids to do! I’m so happy for them.

There’s the post about her youngest banging his head in the pool and needing stitches. Don’t worry, though, because New Daddy was on the job keeping him calm, happy, and stuffed with candy!

Awww… that’s so sweet. I’m glad he can act like a father for your kids. Too bad he’s done nothing for his own. To be fair he did manage to make a few ER trips with us (hey- my kid was a gymnast; she got hurt a lot!) but that pales in comparison to what he’s done to them the last 2 years. Maybe we should start calling her youngest, “Mulligan” since he seems to be CF’s do-over.

There were the pictures of the family outing to the zoo- two whole hours away to boot! I guess that PTSD must be in remission, huh? I suppose since he’s no longer trying to con me out of sufficient child and spousal support he can fully enjoy life as the asshole he is.

Oh, there it is! Yet another new profile picture of the whore so that everyone can compliment her and tell her how pretty she is. There’s CF chiming in, “Gorgeous!”  Really? I was married to that sonofabitch for twenty fucking years. Granted, he was not on Facebook long while we were married and most of the time I imagine he spent trying to fuck other women, but not once did he bother to compliment me.

It bothered me when I was married to him. It bothered me when we were wreck-onciling. He knew it bothered me. I told him it bothered me. His excuse? “I see you everyday! Why would I bother to comment on Facebook when I can tell you in person?”

That’s a good question. Why is he bothering to comment on Facebook when he could just go home and tell her?  Better question: If he really wants to let everyone know how special she is why doesn’t he tell her that she’s worth the thousands of dollars he has to pay out every month? I would think that would be a huge compliment! “Your pussy is so fantastic I don’t mind paying out thousands of dollars a month for it!” or maybe, “You were worth abandoning my children!” Hmmm… perhaps that does not convey the message they want to convey…

I see more pictures of the happy couple posing in front of scenery that does not resemble Kentucky. Maybe they travel a lot now. How convenient. It’s nice to know he spent twenty years wasting my life and making me do everything solo because he got such anxiety anytime he ventured outside of his house. I think the mobster is right and Harley very much is his seeing eye dog. With her by his side as his faithful companion he can go places he once only dreamed of.

One last new snapshot- one of her daughter and her two smiling sons. They’re all going out to celebrate her birthday. I think it’s wonderful that he can finally go out for birthday dinners once again. The last year he lived in the house, the last birthday each of my kids had before finding out that their family was going to be shattered and their lives torn apart, he was simply too upset and anxious to go out and celebrate. He stayed behind, probably texting the whore, while I took the two of them out. Who cares if he fucked over his own kids, right? The important part is that he’s doing right by her kids.

Once again I see the picture of CF with Mulligan at Show and Tell. It was Veteran’s Day. This year she improved upon the picture with a cutesy frame that told everyone who cared to listen that she loved her veteran. The year before though it was simply about how pleased Mulligan was that New Daddy/Cousin Daddy (Caddy?) could be there.

You know what I thought about? I thought about the time he snapped at Picasso because he wanted his dad to drop him off at school. Good ol’ Daddy was anxious and didn’t know how to navigate the carpool lane. The man can fight a fucking war and blow shit up, but a line of cars whipping through the horseshoe drive in front of the school just wipes him out.

I thought about the time he got pissy with me because I needed him to run to Target and grab a gift out of the dollar bin and bring it back up to the school for Rock Star so she could participate in her classroom Christmas party. As always, shooting people and blowing shit up is easy; a quick trip to Target is life threatening. He will probably need psychological counseling for the rest of his life because of it.

Once again I see them posing the day of her daughter’s cheerleading competition- him posing in a t-shirt with her high school name and mascot on it. Both of them gushing about how important it was to be there for her. “He must love her so much to wear that t-shirt!” “Oh, it was painful to put that Cardinals t-shirt on but I wanted to support her.”

He never saw his daughter cheer or compete as a cheerleader one single time. He never went to a single high school gymnastics meet. At the time he was saying this he had moved out of the state without saying a word to either of his kids and he hadn’t seen them in over eighteen months. Yes, it was so important that he support the daughter of the whore he’s fucking.

And always there are the comments. Comments from people I used to call family. Comments from people who still try to act like they care about me and my kids while they support that fucking whore and her kids. Comments from people who used to be family shouting out how happy they are with the jolly new couple, how much they love them, how much they love Everything. About. Them. They are so proud and this is their family. Tammy Faye cooing over the newest grandchildren. She loves them so much! Doesn’t seem to give a shit about her actual grandchildren but the whore’s kids? She was on that shit quick!

As tempting as it may be, don’t do it! Don’t pain shop. Maintain no contact (and that includes social media). You may think you can handle it, that it will be no big deal, but feelings will come. I promise you this. Even if the majority of those feelings are rage and anger it is still a lot to deal with. It can still mess with your head. Even knowing they are masters at image management, even knowing that truly happy people don’t have to make a huge show of their relationship every day and every hour on social media, even knowing he is the problem and she is a whore, it can still make you doubt yourself.

Frankly My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn

A little while ago I wrote about my feelings of cognitive dissonance and how I felt like a huge hypocrite. I’m pretty much over that now.

It was shortly after writing that Chump Lady published a letter from a woman who was divorcing her lying, cheating husband. He had cheated many, many times throughout their marriage. The final straw was when she got a call from yet another OW while she was grieving the loss of her pregnancy. She packed her bags and moved away from the area, away from him, and was starting a cheater-free life. After a year of being a hermit (and almost 2 years after her final DDay) she had met someone, they clicked, and ultimately, she ended up pregnant. While there were a few people who tsk tsk’d the fact that she was still legally married and wanted to throw out the ol’, “You’re no better than your cheating husband; you’re cheating on him, too!” most people were incredibly kind and supportive. Some of the things that I read that really stuck with me were the following comments:

It is true that in many states (including mine), having sex with someone before you are legally divorced counts as infidelity. But my state also bans the Encyclopedia Britannica because it contains a recipe for making beer at home. So let’s take laws at face value.

The bigger issue is whether it is morally acceptable to have physical intimacy with someone before one is divorced. As long as the divorce is underway, the two people are living separately, and are not taking actions to reconcile (e.g., in active marriage counseling), that marriage is over, and both people are free to date IMHO.

Many of these narcs drag out divorce for YEARS, even after having wasted decades of our lives. Should chumps chastely sit home waiting for the cheater to FINALLY disclose his or her financials? Or hire a third lawyer because his/her first two lawyers grew weary of the delays and obfuscation? I know a man who, even after settlement obtained in an early October court trial, was not divorced by late December because the STBX refused to sign the decree to which she and her lawyer had approved months earlier. He had been out of the house and NC for 1.5 years.

Chumps waste a lot of time before gaining a new life out of concern for the cheater, whilst the cheater wasted no time boinking strange after the wedding vows. It behooves us not to rush into a relationship before our grief has ended, but I don’t think we should stall our lives again, nor allow the post-filing manipulations of cheaters to continue to control us.

 

And if the divorce takes 3 years, do you watch your life go by and live virtuously alone? What if you do actually want children (I understand this pregnancy was unplanned)? Must you wait until the courts say it’s okay, no matter how long that takes and no matter how obstructive your ex may choose to be?

 

Why allow this cheater and his manipulations to cause any more lasting damage? Why does the pace of a divorce, which he can control, allow him to keep her from ever having a child? Hell to the no!

To my mind, when there are no secrets, there is no obligation. It is all aboveboard. Cheater does NOT get to determine her life choices for one more nanosecond! The minute he broke his vows, he released her from the terms of her sentence.

All those comments boiled down to one theme: Why let the cheater waste one more minute of your life?

I spent a good 10 months wanting to die, thinking that life was never going to get any better. I was alone for almost 2 years after DDay and when I did find someone it wasn’t because I was out actively looking. My legally wedded husband had been living with another woman in another state approximately six hours away for well over a year before I met the mobster. When he lost his job and destroyed our lives I knew nothing about what was going on; Harley, however, was in the loop, playing the dutiful fiancee. The legal wife sat at home, stunned and wondering what the hell was going on.

That doesn’t even touch on Virginia’s archaic divorce laws which basically say you must be physically separated for a year and a day before you can file for divorce, but my “husband” is legally allowed to cut me off financially. He was allowed to buy an engagement ring for the whore and puppies for her kids and blow all kinds of marital assets on his cunt face cum dumpster because hey, we’re living physically separate lives. But, don’t have sex with anyone else if you want spousal support. And, as the mobster has experienced, if the cheating spouse wants to come on inside your house, the one they abandoned, and grab a few things or just look around, they can still claim marital assets and marital residence.

Prior to DDay I had spent many years with a man who was never happy. He was drinking more and more. I really believe that Blockhead telling him about my Facebook page was what sent him spiraling out of control. He couldn’t go anywhere with us. He cried constantly. He wanted to shut himself upstairs in the bedroom. It was horrible. Even before then he rarely did things with us.

The kids and I vacationed without him; we went on outings without him. I handled the day to day care of them pretty much without him. We didn’t do date nights. After all, as he asked me once when I suggested it, “Why would you want to do that with me?” We spent very little time together.

I am completely good when it comes to my decision to date before I was legally divorced. I didn’t rush it. I didn’t look for it. I certainly didn’t lie to and deceive CF in order to do so. Once again I will point out that he lived in another state hundreds of miles away with another woman.

I am also good with my decision to date the mobster even though he is still legally married. I read his blog. I know it was over. I know he filed for divorce before we ever knew the other existed. He filed because he was done. Period. Not because I was sitting there, batting my eyes at him. Not because he thought the grass would be greener over here with me. No, he didn’t know me. He was done because he could no longer tolerate her behavior.

I don’t believe I would have ever agreed to text if he had still been living with her. I’m not sure I would have agreed to it if he hadn’t already taken steps to end the marriage.

I don’t shout it from the rooftops that he’s married, but I also don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong. He wasn’t (and isn’t) sneaking around behind her back. He wasn’t lying to her or siphoning off marital funds to give to me. She, like my husband, had moved out of their home and in with her boyfriend. There was no marriage left to preserve.

As the commenters from Chump Lady ask: How much more of our lives are we supposed to allow them to waste? Why are we expected to uphold vows that mean nothing to them? Why are we supposed to sit on the sidelines, alone and broken hearted, while they run around with their new plaything, safe in the knowledge that we’re chastely waiting for them to return to the ruins of our marriage? Why are we expected to handle the day to day running of life and pick up the pieces of all the lives the cheater has ruined, alone, halo all shiny and straight, while the cheater makes a new life with someone else? Are we masochists? Martyrs?

I know there are people out there for whom it is extremely important to be able to say they didn’t date until the ink was dry on the divorce decree. Good for you. I used to be one of you. I also know there are people out there who would criticize people who did wait but began dating immediately after the divorce was granted, because hey, you didn’t wait long enough. Why aren’t you mourning? Why aren’t you concentrating on something else besides dating? There are definitely people out there who would get the vapors at the thought of someone dating a person who was not yet divorced. Where is your decency? Do you not value the sanctity of marriage? Furthermore, I have no doubt that CF and all those who run with him are calling me all sorts of names and convincing themselves that what I’m doing is no different than what he and Harley did. Eh- I’m over it. I really don’t care. I know the truth.

I don’t need a shiny halo either. After reading so many stories for years and years I’m beginning to think that the only thing keeping your halo shiny does is make you feel good about yourself. It doesn’t lend itself to a better outcome. Usually you end up putting up with copious amounts of shit while the cheater merrily skips along his or her cheating way, leaving a wake of destruction behind. But you can pat yourself on the back and tell yourself that you did things the right way. Turns out, I don’t need an untarnished halo to feel good about myself.

Much like I get no personal satisfaction from putting chairs together, or doing yard work, I also don’t get a great sense of satisfaction from being able to say, “I followed the rules precisely at all times.” That’s actually pretty funny considering the fact that if you asked anyone who knows me well they would tell you that I am a rule follower.

Years ago I would have said you shouldn’t date until you’re divorced. Of course, it’s one thing to make life rules for yourself when you think you’ll never be in that situation. You can safely judge from the sidelines. Honestly, had my divorce not taken more than two years I wouldn’t have dated before I got divorced. Unfortunately, little things like being forced to move out of my house and sell off all of my stuff (or leave it behind), finding out my husband was in the psych ward again (or so I thought), being forced to get a job and then two jobs, working 16 hour days and 20+ days at a stretch, feeling like a horrible mom because I wasn’t around for my kids anymore, wondering every day if he was going to get away with everything, having to procure an expert witness because my husband was claiming PTSD to get out of paying sufficient child and spousal support, paying out the ass for lawyer fees, and dreading every day I woke up, ended up taking precedence.

I lived in a state that required me to be separated from him for a year. Two months before I could file he went off the deep end and lost his job. I had no idea what kind of a settlement I could expect when he wasn’t even working. Truthfully, I think him getting a job and still not paying his modified amount of support for more than six months ultimately ended up working in my favor. I would have just been seen as a horrible, unsympathetic bitch if I had taken him to court when he had just lost his job and been hospitalized. I thought he was back in the psych ward. I thought he had had a nervous breakdown or could make an excellent case for PTSD because of his latest hospital stay. I wouldn’t find out for six months that he wasn’t suicidal or that it had nothing to do with PTSD. Only when I took him back to court for a show-cause hearing did I find out the truth- that he had been repeatedly drinking on the job and he had been forced to resign. And he had not entered a psych ward; he had gone to the VA and done a mere three day in-patient program. The rest of his time was spent in outpatient therapy and he didn’t even always attend those.

The mobster can say pretty much the same. He forgave her for her previous affair. He endured years and years of her drinking and lying about it. He put up with a lot of shit in order to keep his marriage intact and to give his kids a home with two parents. He suffered through a lot of humiliation in order to keep her happy and to make things work. Finally, she took up with yet another affair partner and eventually left him for that guy. But not before she introduced him as “a friend”. Not before the guy invited him up to join their volunteer firefighter department. Not before the guy gave the mobster’s daughter a ride on his motorcycle. Not before he got to watch his wife ride on the big, shiny firetruck with her “friend” in the Christmas parade. Not before she disappeared for days at a time. The mindfuck was strong with that one.

She made her decision and she doesn’t get to whine about him getting on with his own life. He is not an indentured servant. He does not have to sit faithfully waiting for her to return.

There has been a moment or two where I started to really feel like I was interfering and that if I wasn’t in the picture maybe they would reconcile. It wasn’t often and it’s non-existent now, but when those moments would come he would tell me pretty much the same thing: I am never going back to her. If you left me tomorrow I still wouldn’t go back to her. I am done with her. She is crazy. She is toxic.

He also reiterates that his kids don’t want them together. His oldest son told him when it first happened, “Dad, it’s been over for a long time. You just finally called it.”

Finally, he is very wise. The last time I brought it up he pointed out that despite what she says when she hoovers around, it doesn’t mean anything to her. If she really wanted him back she would take steps towards that, steps like ending it with the other man. Instead it is all talk and absolutely no follow through. She will tell him she will call him the next day, and she doesn’t. She will say she wants to talk but she won’t follow through. She tells him she misses his voice and yet, she’s still with her lover. She’s never made an actual move to go back to him. She merely dips the hook in the water to see if he will still take the bait. If he ever called her bluff and said, “Oh my God yes! I’m still crazy about you! I realize now how much I miss you and I will do anything to make it work!” she would have endless excuses for why now wasn’t the right time and why she couldn’t extricate herself from her relationship with her boyfriend in order to rekindle her relationship with her husband. She doesn’t want him; she just wants him to want her. She wants to keep her Plan B around in case the new boyfriend doesn’t work out.

He, too, lives in a state that requires a one year waiting period. Unlike me, he tried to do an online divorce and get things rolling (again- before we ever met). She refused to sign the papers. She refused to tell him what she wanted. She refused to discuss the divorce with him. Unfortunately for him, the online lawyer he hired only did uncontested divorces, so if she wouldn’t cooperate nothing would happen.

Approximately four months ago she informed him that she had a lawyer and she would be serving him with a divorce petition. They’ve never arrived. Around that same time she made a big show of calling him and yelling at him, telling him she wanted the house she had deserted, and custody of their daughter, a child she abandoned. Nothing has happened since except her continuing to come inside his house and randomly grab things. Sometimes those things were dishes or sentimental items. Another time she came in just to take a light plate. Other times she has taken things like the TV he bought his daughter for Easter. Yep, she took it right out of her kid’s room, and then had the audacity to say, “Did you see me take it? Did you see me walk out of the house with it?” That same day she took the blender he bought after she had already taken the one that was bought while they were married. Also found in her possession? Her son’s baseball mitt.

I can understand those who might think I wouldn’t want to involve myself in the middle of all that crazy, but I don’t understand people thinking that he needs to be faithful to that kind of crazy. She’s a horrible, despicable person. She steals from her own children. There is nothing to work with here, and I don’t think he should be coerced into trying.

With all that said I still think there are situations where you shouldn’t date. If you’re leading your spouse to believe that there is a chance your marriage can be repaired, you shouldn’t be dating.  If you’re in marriage counseling you shouldn’t be dating. If you’re still living with your spouse, you shouldn’t be dating. When you’re telling your spouse you love him or her and you just need some time to think, you shouldn’t be dating. Basically, any time you’re going through anything even resembling reconciliation I would say you shouldn’t be dating. I would even say that in a situation where you want out and there’s no one else, but your spouse is desperate to repair the marriage, you shouldn’t date. You leave your spouse for another person? Well, “dating” is a foregone conclusion although you shouldn’t. But if you’re the one being cheated on? Honey, you do you!

If you don’t want to give your cheater the satisfaction of saying, “He/she is dating, too! See! I’m not doing anything wrong,” then by all means stay single. I think you can live a very satisfying life without being coupled up.

I, personally, don’t need that kind of validation. I’ve come to the conclusion it wouldn’t have mattered what I did in my situation. I would always be the bad guy. And really, I’d much rather he be pissed off because I’m seeing someone, than for him and Harley to be laughing about how pitiful I am, all alone while I work two jobs. He’s going to hate me regardless so let’s give him something worth hating. I find that to be much more satisfying.

Quite honestly I feel like all of the above is way too much explanation for what I’m feeling now. I’m good with what I’m doing. I’ve done nothing wrong. I didn’t lie and sneak around to be with the mobster; he didn’t lie and sneak around to be with me. I was married in name only; I can say the same thing about the mobster. I didn’t destroy their marriage; he didn’t destroy mine. Our spouses did that all on their own when they cheated on us and then left us to be with their affair partners. The only thing we’re guilty of is not letting them steal another minute of our lives. My conscience is clear.

An Open Letter to Cousinfucker, Part 3

I wish I could tell you this is the end but it’s not. I told you I had a lot to say!

Sam, let’s try to figure out a way to make this less stressful for all involved. I am saddened that you felt compelled to toss out all of my memories and my clothing.  There are so few of them in this house.  In spite of all that has happened we have a history and that cannot be erased no matter how badly you want it to go away.  So you have a choice.  You can be bitter and hateful toward me, or respect the fact that I am setting you free of the burden of being my wife.  I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that.  My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.

So stop all of this foolishness.  Let our children know I love them and let’s act like adults and come to a healthy relationship apart from all of this.  I respect you as a mother and you have followed me around the country and I am grateful to you for that.  Let’s build a future relationship that we can both be happy for each other and our children and show them that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future.  I read everything you wrote on your fake Facebook page.  I know you have been very unhappy.  It’s evident in what you wrote and your depression has heightened in the past two years.  I know you will be whole without me, we aren’t good together.  So all that said I want you and I to work on this.  To be grown up about it for the sake of our children.

How dare you try to portray me as some depressed, pathetic individual! I don’t suffer from depression and it certainly hasn’t “worsened” over the last two years. No, I did not forget about your affair with your cousin the minute you said, “Oops, my bad!”  And yes, sometimes I would be triggered by events and it would make me sad.  For a day or two.  Then I would get over it and get on with my life. Yes, it has been difficult transitioning to life here but I’ve done it; I’m sorry I didn’t do it as quickly as you would have liked. You insisted that if you had to stay where we were much longer you would end up in a psych ward so we all sacrificed and gave up our lives there so that YOU would be happy.

Our daughter gave up her dream of competing gymnastics in college. She gave up her teammates and gymnastics.  She was just saying the other day, “Imagine how good I would be now if we had stayed.”  And when asked if she would rather have her life as a gymnast or the life she has here with cheerleading and high school gymnastics and her friends and boyfriend and great social life, she still, without hesitation, picked being a Level 10 gymnast. YOU took that away from her for your own selfish wants and desires.  YOU took that away from her so you could go have sex with your cousin.

And our son? Our son gave up hockey and cello.  He still talks about playing hockey again some day, still talks about how much he loved played the cello.  He likes playing the trombone (would have preferred to play the saxophone but I didn’t know what our money situation would be like and the trombone was cheaper than the sax) but he loved the cello.  And while he likes his two neighborhood friends he doesn’t really like his school and thinks most of his classmates are rednecks.

We all gave up all of our friends.  For YOU.  As for myself, I not only gave up all of my friends but also my support system.  See, when you have a husband who doesn’t think that raising the children is part of his responsibility it helps to have a great network of friends who can pitch in and help out at times.  People who can carpool with you.  People that you can call in a pinch and ask them for a favor.  It would be really nice to have all of those people around me now, now that you’ve left me for the same woman you cheated on me with two years ago. I loved my life in Utah.  I loved being active in PTA and would have volunteered to be the Associate Director of the region, if we didn’t move.  I loved my Bunko group. I loved volunteering at the schools and being involved, knowing people and what was going on.  I don’t have that here.  I gave it up for you and for your happiness.  I gave it up for our future. Our bogus future that you had no intention of honoring.

Once we got here you were no happier than you had been before. You told me you wanted to be the most important person in my life and once we moved and I had no one else you started to pull away. You constantly told other people you were convinced I was going to leave you when I would have never done that; I was committed to you, to our marriage, to our family.  You told your sister I wrote on my fake Facebook page (when you were almost “dying”) that you were annoying me and wasting my time.  THAT NEVER HAPPENED!  I double checked because I was appalled that I could actually say something like that.  I never wrote anything like that.

And as far as you dying?  Honey, they don’t give you the option of going to the ER if you’re near death.  And they don’t tell you you can be admitted or go home if you’re near death.

You know how you know it’s serious?  When they tell you you’re not leaving their office until you’ve either scheduled surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy or been given a methotrexate shot to dissolve the ectopic pregnancy.  Of course, you wouldn’t know that because your response when I told you was that you couldn’t leave work.

I went through treatment for an ectopic pregnancy ON MY OWN and you whine because I called the doctor, made your appointment, took you to the ER, sat with you for hours, and encouraged you to let them admit you but apparently wasn’t, what, sympathetic enough?  At least I was there which is more than I can say for you.

And finally, yes, I was on Prozac briefly because I was finding it difficult to deal with all of YOUR issues: your refusal to get help, your withdrawal from me and your kids, your supposed PTSD and anxiety, your lies to everyone about me, dealing with the fact that you consistently turned to people who encouraged you to leave me, and your non-stop drinking. And yet I still hung in there, determined to stand by and help you.

I did everything I could and I never shied away from my own faults.  I immediately took responsibility for my part in the void between us the first time you confessed.  I NEVER placed all the blame on you.  Even though I should have.  Because you see, no one makes another person cheat.  That’s a decision YOU made- all on your own.

I did all the things you wanted me to do, all the things you said you felt were lacking. You wanted me to text you constantly so I texted constantly.  You wanted me to tell you every mundane thing that I did, so I told you about every mundane thing I did. You wanted to know where I was all day long so I updated you all the time. I sat outside on the porch and watched you while you did yard work and brought you something to drink when you would mow the lawn because you said that’s something you wanted me to do.  I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to be everything you wanted!

As soon as I found out you knew about the other Facebook page I shut it down so as not to hurt you any further. When your mom asked if I had ever told you I forgave you I told her I had never said those exact words but I had told you I was committed to us and I put all my trust in you and moved across the country a mere 6 hours from your mistress.  Then when I went to visit you in the psych ward I took your face in my hands and told you I loved you, I forgave you, I wasn’t going to leave you and we would get through all of this together.  And what did you do?  You started up another affair with your cousin after upending our lives.  All because you got your feelings hurt over a stupid Facebook page.

 

An Open Letter to Cousinfucker, Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of the never-ending letter to CF in response to his vomit worthy text.

Sam, let’s try to figure out a way to make this less stressful for all involved. I am saddened that you felt compelled to toss out all of my memories and my clothing.  There are so few of them in this house.  In spite of all that has happened we have a history and that cannot be erased no matter how badly you want it to go away.  So you have a choice.  You can be bitter and hateful toward me, or respect the fact that I am setting you free of the burden of being my wife.  I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that.  My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.

So stop all of this foolishness.  Let our children know I love them and let’s act like adults and come to a healthy relationship apart from all of this.  I respect you as a mother and you have followed me around the country and I am grateful to you for that.  Let’s build a future relationship that we can both be happy for each other and our children and show them that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future.  I read everything you wrote on your fake Facebook page.  I know you have been very unhappy.  It’s evident in what you wrote and your depression has heightened in the past two years.  I know you will be whole without me, we aren’t good together.  So all that said I want you and I to work on this.  To be grown up about it for the sake of our children.

You want to talk about my Facebook page?  Let’s talk about it!  I used that page as my own personal blog.  There were no friends on it and I used a fake name.  You didn’t want to talk about what you had done.  It “stressed” you.  You couldn’t handle it.  So I went off and I dealt with it on my own.

You say you read everything but you obviously didn’t or you simply ignored anything positive.  Maybe 10% of what was on there was about us and not even all of that was negative. You ignored the bone analogy where I talked about how a broken bone is actually stronger once it has healed and how I could get behind that.  You missed the long post where I talked about how your affair would be nothing more than a bump in the road on our 50th wedding anniversary.

There were casual updates.  Many times I said we were doing great and things were fantastic. There was the song that I said reminded me of us now.  There was the picture of the hearts you drew on my van. All good things. Hell, I even read one where I said:  This is where I go to vent so I feel bad only talking about the negative.  Things are actually great.

The vast majority of it was keeping an eye on your paramour, which it turns out I was right for doing because first chance you got you started up with her again!

The other large part of it was processing the feelings of betrayal I felt when no one in your family would cut ties with her despite her being the other woman since she was family and all.

You think that entitles you to have another affair with the same woman?  Unbelievable!

Hey, here’s an idea.  Instead of turning to people who you were always whining to me about maybe you should have talked to me!  Maybe you could have read that and thought to yourself, “Hey, maybe I should step it up and let my wife know how sorry I am, how much I love her, and then give her all the time she needs to completely heal from the betrayal I threw at her.”  Or even taken some of the things I said and actually done them, like defending me, or not throwing me under the bus!

But no!  Your solution was to go crying to anyone who would listen, “Oh, Sam is soooooo mean!  I had an affair with my cousin and she hasn’t forgotten about it!”  And everyone around you said, “Oh, poor Cousinfucker!  She’s horrible!  You should leave her!  Your happiness is the only thing that’s important.  Don’t worry about her, the woman who has stood by your side for the last 20 years.  Don’t worry about your kids.  As long as you’re happy they’ll be ok.  Just focus on your own happiness because you are the only person who matters!” Then again you’re so busy playing the victim that the idea you may have contributed to this is completely foreign.

I was asked to forgive your affair, uproot my life and my kids’ lives, move 2000 miles across the country, move closer to your mistress, and start all over in a town I knew we were only going to because of your affair with her all in the span of a year. Instead of telling you something you didn’t want to hear because it caused so much “anxiety” for you I handled it on my own.  And for that I’m vilified and you use it to justify having yet another affair with her.  You demanded that I forgive and forget because you didn’t want to face what you had done; you didn’t want to be reminded of it.  You didn’t want to have to do anything that was difficult. It’s unfortunate that you couldn’t handle the fact that I would *occasionally* be triggered by something.  It’s too bad you couldn’t accept the fact that having everyone in your family fawning over your mistress was distressful for me.  Turns out I was right for being distressed seeing as how it was your mother who encouraged her to call you again.

And you know what the funniest part of all this is?  I was completely over it finally!  Probably around April or May.  I didn’t want to be reminded of it or her.  Isn’t that funny?  Just as I feel completely healed from your first betrayal you start messing around with her again.  Although, according to her, I was never your first choice and you only stayed because you “couldn’t liquidate your assets quickly enough.”

I’m curious.  Was that a lie you told her or is that the lie she tells everyone to justify hopping into bed with you after you dumped her?  We both know it only takes about 24 hours to “liquidate” any assets you might have had.  And you might want to let the little whore know it doesn’t matter how “quickly you liquidate your assets” you still have to hand over 50%.  But I get it; the other story sounds better.

Stay tuned! There’s more to come!

 

My Fantasy Confrontation

October 2015

I sent Rock Star off to Homecoming today. She looked absolutely beautiful and she and her boyfriend seem very happy together.

I usually have a fairly optimistic attitude about this whole divorce thing but every now and then something will hit me and I’ll feel like crying.  Sometimes it’s something as simple as realizing I have wasted my life with my STBX.  Other times it’s seeing parents showing up together to support their kid and realizing that while he wasn’t around much, now I will never have that again.  Or just seeing her friend’s beautiful house and coming to terms with the fact that I thought I had a man who would love me forever and now I’m finding out that’s not true and I will probably lose my own beautiful house.

I was thinking today of what I would love to tell the whore and her dumb ass.  I don’t generally think about that because I know it’s not worth my time.  But today I got feisty.  So here goes:  Did you really believe that bit about him not leaving me last time because he couldn’t “liquidate his assets” quickly enough?  What on earth changed between last time and this time?  He had more time in fact the first time you two pathetic idiots hooked up.  It takes no time at all to open up a new account, or did he tell you that our former state only has one bank and if you already have an account there you can’t open up a separate one in your name only?  Did he not tell you it only takes 24 hours to “liquidate his assets”?  Yeah, and I would have no way of knowing he was doing so because it’s all done through work.  I have no access to it.  I do believe that’s what we normal people call “a lie”.  No, sweetie, he didn’t leave me last time because he loved me and he didn’t want you.  He apparently felt the need to feed you a line so you would get down on your knees and suck his dick despite the fact that he discarded you like the white trash you are.  We both know, though, that he doesn’t need to explain it.  You would have sucked his dick no matter what.  Here’s another fun fact, you twit.  It wouldn’t matter if he liquidated his assets or not.  They’re considered marital property.  Liquidate, don’t liquidate.  It’s all the same to me and I still get half. Do you know that he called you the biggest mistake of his life?  That he said he should have just bought a motorcycle?  I want you to know you can’t fill out my bra, much less my shoes.  You are a low-life, manipulative, deceitful piece of white trash, and a criminal to boot.  He’s with you because he feels superior to you.  He only gets along with people that he believes are beneath him.  I’ve seen too much.  I’ve seen his failures, his weaknesses.  He felt like he could never do right in my eyes because he was a cheater.  So he convinced himself that I hated him and that I was miserable with him and he went sniffing out his white trash cousin, someone he could control, someone he looked down upon. You were a preemptive strike- he figured he would leave me before I could leave him.  He doesn’t think you’ll ever be better than him.  You have a criminal record; you’ve been arrested at least three times.  You send naked pictures to your neighbor while you’re telling my husband how much you want to fuck him.  You’re a whore and a cheater.  No, he definitely does not have to worry about ever feeling inferior to you.  But he did feel inferior to me and he couldn’t take that any longer.  My little whore cousin is still pining away after me; I can go fuck her and then I won’t have to do any of the hard work.  I’ll never have to wonder why she puts up with me; I’ll never have to worry she’ll leave me. I’ve betrayed my wife terribly and I’m not sure she’ll ever completely forgive or trust me so I’ll just go back to my piece of trash ass.  You can have him.  I don’t want him anymore.  You can deal with him being catatonic after he realizes he’s going to be paying me around 70-75% of his paycheck, plus taking on a sizable amount of our marital debt.  You will be willing to suck his dick and let him fuck you up the ass even when he’s not lavishing you and your kids with gifts, won’t you?  You won’t mind when you’re back to working 80 hours a week so that you can help your “soul mate” pay his spousal support, will you?  You won’t mind telling your own kids they’re going to have go without because Mommy has to help Daddy Zack pay his support or otherwise he’ll go to jail?  You can’t fuck him if he’s in jail.  I would tell you I hope it all works out for you but I really don’t.

And you… You traded me in for your white trash cousin.  She’s a criminal.  She’s a liar.  She’s a cheater.  Wow- you really traded up.  I’m sure you won’t be worried at all about whether or not she’ll remain faithful, especially once you realize you aren’t going to be able to be her sugar daddy.  No, I get 70-75% of your paycheck because they base support on your annual income.  I hope you didn’t have any big huge plans for your bonus check because you’re going to need to that to live on.  I mean, feel free to spend it if you want to; God knows I can’t tell you what to do.  But just keep in mind that every penny you blow is one less penny you have to live on…

You’ve traded in your wife, the woman who followed you all around the country and raised your kids, for a lying, cheating, gold digging whore.  You’re with a woman who cheats; do you really think you’re the only affair she’s had?  Oh, honey…  I bet you think you’re “special”.   I guess it’s no biggie if she cheats though because she’s with a man who cheats.  And abandons his children.  But remember that.  If you were so distraught over the thought that I could never forgive you and that caused you to search out your cousin then I can only imagine how distraught you’ll be when you realize you can’t live up to all the promises you made to her.  You must really wonder if she’ll be sending naked pictures to her neighbor again or searching out some other sugar daddy when she realizes that life with you isn’t so “rosy” either.  You’re an idiot if you think she’s with you because she loves you.  The whore spends money like it’s water; she’s never been on a budget and neither has her daughter.  She’s been arrested for writing bad checks for crying out loud!  How bad does it have to be before they actually throw your ass in jail for that?  She sees dollar signs, you jackass.  Face reality.  You’re bald.  You’ve got bad teeth.  Your breath smells like shit, no seriously, literal shit, from all the cheap wine you’re drinking and the Kodiak you’re chewing. You tell the same stories over and over again and you even admitted that most of what you two talked about the first time around was family and the people you both know.  Catching up doesn’t take years; those “common interests” are going to get tired real quick!  And you just spent a week in a psych ward.  You’re depressed, anxiety-ridden and suffer from PTSD, if you weren’t lying about everything.  Regardless, your natural state is misery.  You’re only happy when you’re unhappy.  This honeymoon period will end.  When it does she will realize what she got herself into.  It will probably end right around the time you find out how much money you’re going to be paying me.  I hope she’s as understanding as I was when you were catatonic on the bed in our former state.  Her job might be a little more difficult though because in that situation you got bailed out by your company.  Unfortunately for you I don’t think they have a bailout program for piece of shit SOBs that leave their wives for their cousins after moving them across the damn country.  In other words, you’re on your own.  And if that doesn’t do it I’m sure realizing you’re stuck here in this town unless you can find a job that pays you as much as you earn *annually* at your current company will.  Oh, I really hope I am able to see the look on your face when you realize your plan to move closer to your whore is never going to be realized, and you’re every bit as much stuck and isolated out here in our current state as you were in our former state.

On a more serious note you might want to closely observe your whore’s behavior, especially as it relates to your children.  You supposedly love them so much.  You are supposedly so devastated over the fact that they won’t talk to you.  But your sweet little piece of ass posts all over social media to you and about you, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that she’s so sleepless because her married lover isn’t warming her bed.  Your daughter sees it and confronts you, obviously upset over it.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say you told her your daughter saw it.  I’m not quite sure you’re evolved enough to have actually told her to knock that shit off.  Nonetheless, do you know what your little bitch’s response to your daughter seeing her father’s mistress posting about missing him from her bed?  Oh, it wasn’t to actually stop doing that crap.  No, it was to block your daughter.  I think we’ve already determined that she’s a manipulative bitch and this is simply another example.  She has to know your daughter can’t stand her. So what does she do?  Does she send her a private message, actually apologizing for her crass behavior?  Telling her she realizes she was only thinking of herself and she’s sorry?  No!  She blocks her.  She throws gasoline right on that fire.  Now she’s thrown down that gauntlet.  Every time you choose to spend any time with your kids, you won’t be able to spend time with her.  And we both know you’ll choose a piece of ass over your kids each and every time.  If she really cared about you and cared about your kids she would own her behavior. But she doesn’t, so she doesn’t.  She’s like every other second wife/mistress out there, trying to eliminate the kids from the first relationship so that she and her kids can have everything. And you’re so stupid you fall for it. “Oh, they all love me!  They think I’m the most awesome thing ever!”  No they don’t.  They see you as a wallet, a chump.  Her kids talk shit about you behind your back and she’s spreading her ass wide so that you’ll buy her pretty sparkly things!  The absolute best part is how you turn all of your shitty behavior around and act like you’re a victim.  But you’re no better than your whore; in fact, I think you’re worse.  Afterall, they are your kids.  She has no obligation to them; you do.  First you basically call your daughter a liar when she confronts you, and then you try to blame me.  And when you find out that your dearly beloved really did post that drivel you don’t have big enough balls to apologize.  Instead you avert.  Let me cry on your shoulder so you can feel sorry for me! Oh boo hoo my kids won’t talk to me!  Oh poor me- my wife had a blog where she talked about her feelings after I cheated on her with my cousin.  I’m a victim.  I had to stick my dick in that whore.  It’s all your mom’s fault. She hated me!  Yes, that’s right.  She hated me so much she moved 2000 miles across the country, away from all of her friends, in order to support my desires.  She moved 6 hours away from my mistress instead of keeping a good 25 hours of distance between us all.  She hated me so much she uprooted you two kids from the only life you ever really knew and had you start all over here, in this town we moved to because I had the hots for my cousin 2 years ago and started putting a plan into motion to get closer to her.

Let’s get something straight right now.  I didn’t hate you.  I was very clear that not only did I want our marriage to continue but I also wanted us to be happy.  That’s why I spent an entire fucking summer in a hot garage listening to rap music with you.  It’s why I would text you and tell you I was going to the grocery store and then to Target and then to PetSmart and then and then and then.  It’s why I would send you naked pictures like you liked. It’s why I AGREED TO UPROOT ALL OF US FROM A PLACE WHERE THREE OUT OF FOUR OF US WERE HAPPY AND  MOVE ACROSS THE DAMN COUNTRY FOR YOU!  If I hated you and wanted nothing else than to make you miserable then I sure did a piss poor job of protecting myself.  I never asked you to sign a post nup, giving me everything if you cheated again.  I didn’t immediately get my ass back to school for a more marketable degree or start looking for a job so I’d have some financial independence. Oh, and once again, since this bears repeating over and over, I didn’t refuse to move across the country so you could have your dream job.  What did I do?  I moved 6 hours away from your cousin/mistress. I sold my house which we had lived in for 8 years to buy a house that cost over $100,000 more than the one we left.  I bought a new car. I bought all new furniture for the new house.  All of those purchases- I could have been saving that money for my future divorce. We put a $57,000 pool in the backyard- using savings, taking out a loan, and cashing in stock.  Yes, my brilliant idea was to liquidate all of our assets on a big hole in the backyard that we would never enjoy.  I decided to top that off with accruing another $20,000 in debt. Because I hated you and wanted to make you miserable and I figured this would get me the best possible divorce settlement ever.  Yep, let’s spend every dime and rack up the debt!

Back to your crazy cousin and her delightful way with your children.  You both might want to remember that all your daughter needs to do is borrow someone else’s phone or computer and she can still see everything. Hell, she doesn’t even need to borrow it; all she needs is their password and login.  Or she can simply create a new page and see things that way.  How about until you’re actually divorced your whore stops acting like you two are a legitimate couple?  That would probably be the prudent thing.  Because right now?  You’re just two dogs in heat. You’re two people fucking each other while you’re both married to other people.  Believe me, I don’t mind. I don’t mind you being an idiot when it comes to my kids, that is.  I don’t want to share my kids with you and you’re making it extremely easy for them to hate you and want absolutely nothing to do with you.  So thanks! But I do realize it’s far better for them to actually think you care about them so with that in mind I’ll give you a little piece of advice:  Stop acting like a victim and own your behavior.  You would get a hell of a lot further with both of them if you just ‘fessed up.  Hey, kids, I leave every weekend because my skank ass cousin lives in my home state and I have to go down there to fuck her every weekend.  Perhaps a bit too graphic.  Maybe you should go with:  Kids, I don’t have an excuse.  I know what I’m doing is wrong but I don’t care; I love her and I want to be with her.  All I care about is myself and my mistress and her kids.  As your aunt always tells me:  Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about anything else! I’m the only person who matters.  My happiness is the most important thing and if you really loved me you wouldn’t care that I’m upending your lives.  You would simply be happy for me since I’m finally happy, fucking another woman and cheating on your mom.  Now kids, you need to understand that you two will always come after her and her kids so get used to it.  If you want to have a relationship with me you’re going to have to accept her and her kids because we are a package deal.  I love you two but not as much as I love her.  I leave every weekend not because I’m not welcome like I told you before but because I want to be with her.  There is absolutely nothing that any of you could do that would make it worth it to me to stay with you over the weekend.  In fact, I’m trying to find a new job that is closer to her so I don’t have to drive so far to see her every weekend.  I’ve never been much of a father to either of you so I don’t think my absence will be felt all that much.  You’ll both be fine.  Your mom did it all before this so nothing much will change.  I just won’t be upstairs in my room ignoring you; I’ll be 6-8 hours away ignoring you.

Texts From Idiots

I’m still waiting on a verdict, and I’m still pretty superstitious about saying too much before I hear what is happening so I’m going to leave you with CF’s marvelous texts to me in the aftermath of discovering he was a liar and a cheater, and my replies to those texts. Enjoy!

September 2015

Today is shaping up to not be a good day.  I think it’s finally hitting me and I’m crying.  I spent most of yesterday researching spousal support and tax laws and trying to figure out how much to put aside in taxes each month.  That was sure fun!  If he agrees that it won’t be tax deductible for him I may not have to claim it but I don’t expect him to do me any favors.  He’s been such a standup guy so far, right?  Cousinfucker!  I hate his fucking guts.  I told a friend yesterday after she joked about him dying and doing us all a favor that I prayed for that to happen.  Every fucking weekend he goes down there I hope with all my might that he’ll drive his car off a fucking mountain and die.  I go to sleep thinking about it and how I would handle everything afterwards.

First, I would call the phone company and cancel the whore’s cell phone, along with her daughter’s.  Then I would have my lawyer draft a letter to her, demanding the return of the cell phones within 10 days or I’d be suing her.  I’d cremate him and then just throw his ashes away in the dump.  I had originally thought I’d toss them on his mom’s doorstep but I decided that was too good for her.  No funeral.  No memorial service.  No obituary unless I was able to add in there:  He is survived by his wife and 2 kids, his mistress Harley Skank-Tramp and her 4 kids……  And I’m not sure the paper would let me do that.  No headstone.  No marker.  No nothing.  If his family wants to pay for one they are free to do so.  But I’m not spending a dime on the asshole.  They should be thankful I claim the body at all!  And then I’d look into seeing if I could sue Harley for the money Zack gave her since he’s dead.  Oh, oh, oh- I just added a detail.  Instead of informing Tammy Faye and everyone else I would contact Harley.  Hello, whore.  I’m texting you to let you know Zack is dead.  Automobile accident.  You can inform his family because I won’t be.  Or maybe I just wouldn’t contact them at all.  She could find out when her phone was shut off and when he wasn’t answering her texts.  I’m sure she’d call his mother and have her try to contact him.  And then when she couldn’t get ahold of him she’d have to break down and call me to see if I knew where he was.  Yep, the police contacted me a couple days ago.  He’s dead.  I had him cremated.  Good bye.

Thankfully the crying has passed now.  I’m just so overwhelmed sometimes.  I know we have to sell the house.  I could make ends meet- probably- on what he’ll more than likely be ordered to pay, but money would be tight and there would be no savings.  The mortgage is almost $2100/month.  During the summer our electric bill is over $350.  Those 2 payments alone take up almost half of my spousal support.  Then I start looking for a place to rent.  I need a place that will allow pets and it needs to be in my kids’ school zone.  A fenced in backyard would be a plus.  I’ve been looking and it seems like there is nothing that fits that description.  And then I’m looking at $1600/month for a house that’s less than 2000 sq. ft.  I know we have a big house, probably bigger than we need.  But I like our big bedrooms.  I know Rock Star likes not having to share a bathroom with Picasso.  That’s all going to be over.  I can’t find anything with 3 bathrooms that I’ll be able to afford.  I will probably have to go back to work but I’m not going to be making shit and on top of that if Zack knows I’m working he can always take me back to court and try to get spousal support changed.  I’ll probably be working a shit job just to keep our heads afloat.  And meanwhile he’s off having the time of his life.  I swear to God, my goal is to ruin him.  I want him to commit suicide if his fucking car doesn’t crash.  I know I’m evil but I just don’t care.  I want him to hurt like I’ve been hurting, like my kids have been hurting.

I was at a point where I could safely browse Facebook.  I don’t look at his page.  Or hers.  It just hurts too much.  She’s fawning all over him and nobody chimes in, “This is all kinds of fucked up!”  But I do look on my own news feed.  Today, seeing all the happy anniversary wishes just made me so sad.  They already made me sad before because I felt like I just couldn’t participate on our own anniversary, but now seeing all these people celebrating 20+ years made me incredibly sad and I could feel the tears starting.

Anyway, I promised to write about the text I did send when he asked me if I was ok since he didn’t see my car when he left for work at 6 am.  You know, so he could leave early to fuck his bitch.  He said:

Are you ok?  I went to work at 6 and your car was gone.  Just want to make sure you are alright.

I replied:

Am I ok?  Let’s see.  My husband moved me and my kids across the country, uprooting our lives because this move was supposed to make him so happy.  A year to the day that our furniture was delivered to our new house my husband was having sex with his cousin/mistress; in fact, he blew off a family vacation with his wife and kids to be with her.  I’ve been cheated on and lied to.  My kids are scared and upset.  You aren’t even putting enough in our joint account to cover the bills, much less pay for groceries.  Meanwhile you accuse me, your actual legal wife, of stealing from you while you slink off every weekend to be with your mistress and her kids, spend hundreds each weekend, buy Harley and her daughter new iPhone 6s, and pay their cell phone bill.  So no, I’m not ok.  I’ve lost 25 pounds in less than a month, my blood pressure is sky high, and I’m left cleaning up your mess while you go off and play without a care in the world.  The time to care about whether or not I’m ok was before you went off and started having yet another affair with Harley.  It’s a little too late to act concerned about me now.  Oh, and btw, my car was in the garage.

That took place the Friday of Labor Day weekend where he left to spend 3 glorious days with the cunt and her bratty kids.  He never responded.  Gee, I wonder why not.

Then we have my favorite- the text where he wants us to work together to make this less stressful on everyone.  I’m pissing myself I’m laughing so hard.  Here it is in its glorious entirety:

Sam, let’s try to figure out a way to make this less stressful for all involved. I am saddened that you felt compelled to toss out all of my memories and my clothing.  There are so few of them in this house.  In spite of all that has happened we have a history and that cannot be erased no matter how badly you want it to go away.  So you have a choice.  You can be bitter and hateful toward me, or respect the fact that I am setting you free of the burden of being my wife.  I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that.  My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.

So stop all of this foolishness.  Let our children know I love them and let’s act like adults and come to a healthy relationship apart from all of this.  I respect you as a mother and you have followed me around the country and I am grateful to you for that.  Let’s build a future relationship that we can both be happy for each other and our children and show them that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future.  I read everything you wrote on your fake Facebook page.  I know you have been very unhappy.  It’s evident in what you wrote and your depression has heightened in the past two years.  I know you will be whole without me, we aren’t good together.  So all that said I want you and I to work on this.  To be grown up about it for the sake of our children.

And finally, here’s what I really want to say; my responses are in bold:  Sam, let’s try to figure out a way to make this less stressful for all involved. Oh, I’m sorry.  Are you stressed?  Whatever would you be stressed out over?  You are fucking your whore every weekend, thinking the two of you are going to be living on easy street while I’m saddled with all the bills and left explaining everything to your kids because you’re such a pathetic coward you can’t do anything that might be difficult.  You want this to be less stressful?  Maybe you should have thought about that before you started fucking your whore of a cousin!  I am saddened that you felt compelled to toss out all of my memories and my clothing.  There are so few of them in this house.  I didn’t throw anything out, you whiney little asshole!  In spite of all that has happened we have a history and that cannot be erased no matter how badly you want it to go away.  Are you seriously getting your panties in a twist over the fact I took our wedding pictures down?  Or do you think the fact that I’ve wasted the last 21 years of my life on such a pathetic loser is supposed to mean something to me?  Because it doesn’t.  You are nothing to me.  So you have a choice.  You can be bitter and hateful toward me, or respect the fact that I am setting you free of the burden of being my wife.  Wow- what a fucking hero! Are you fucking serious?  You actually think that fucking another woman one year to the day after you’ve moved me and my kids 2000 miles across the country, tearing them away from everything they know and love, is some sort of noble act? You really have lost your goddamn mind! I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that.  My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.  So which one is it?  Am I well provided for, or am I taking a hit?  Are your children going to live in poverty because Daddy is too busy showing off for his skank ass cousin and her fucking kids, or are you going to step up and actually be a father to them and provide for them?  Actually, don’t answer that because I’ve talked to two lawyers and both of them have come up with a far higher number than that piddly ass one you threw out at me.  Don’t you worry your little bald head about me paying you back.  You are going to pay and pay and pay.  Believe me when I tell you that MY kids will NEVER take a backseat to her or her kids, financially.  When I’m done taking my share you are going to be left with nothing.  Hey, do you think Harley will be as madly in love with you when you’ve got about $200/month to your name and she needs to work double shifts to help pay my spousal support?  Do you think her kids will think you are as wonderful when you can’t fulfill the promises you’ve made to them?  I mean, she’s already sending naked pictures to other men and her kids already talk shit about you behind your back; if you can’t buy them off how do you think they’ll treat you then?

So stop all of this foolishness. What foolishness?  I think you’ve fared very well.  I haven’t outed you to everyone on Facebook. I haven’t yelled and screamed or threatened.  I haven’t thrown all your shit out or burned it.  And believe me, those are all suggestions I’ve had from well meaning friends. I just have no desire to see your ugly face, much less have a conversation with you.  I find you revolting.  Let our children know I love them and let’s act like adults and come to a healthy relationship apart from all of this. 1.  Why don’t you tell your children you love them yourself?  Are you too much of a coward to face them?  Would seeing the hurt and devastation on their faces be too unpleasant for you?  Tough shit!  How do you think I felt when I was left all alone to tell our kids that you were leaving us for another woman?  How do you think I felt when I had to tell them you were fucking your cousin, that everyone in your sick, pathetic family knew and were ok with it, and that we were getting a divorce?  How do you think I feel every time they ask me if we’re going to have to move, or why on earth did you let us get a pool if you were fucking around with the whore, and will they be able to continue going to their same schools?  I don’t know who the fuck lied to you and told you fucking another woman and leaving your wife and kids for her would be easy. 2. I am acting like an adult.  Unfortunately for you that does not include having to have any kind of a relationship with my cheating, lying asshole of an ex-husband!  I know that would be easier on you because you have a long history of not wanting to have to do anything difficult but it’s no longer my job to baby you or make things easy. I have absolutely no desire to be friends with you.  No desire to have any type of a relationship with you.  Our kids are old enough that you can communicate with them.  I don’t need to tell you shit.  I don’t care to surround myself with liars and cheaters and that’s all you are.  You are a pathetic loser and I want nothing to do with you.  I respect you as a mother and you have followed me around the country and I am grateful to you for that. Fuck off!  I am the only parent these kids have known.  You were always too busy holing up in your room and fucking around with Harley to be much of a father to them.  And you can stick your “gratefulness” up your ass, Cousinfucker!  Let’s build a future relationship that we can both be happy for each other and our children and show them that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future. What utter bullshit!  I will not lie to my kids like that.  I am NOT happy for you.  You cheated on me and left me for another woman.  You are seriously delusional if you think I will ever be happy about that.  As far as you being happy for me?  Well, gee, isn’t that big of you?  Last time I checked I didn’t have a boyfriend waiting in the wings for me.  I’m not the one walking away from everything leaving you with all the responsibilities.  I’m not the one running off every weekend to be with someone else.  I’m not the one who has hurt our children.  I read everything you wrote on your fake Facebook page.  I know you have been very unhappy.  It’s evident in what you wrote and your depression has heightened in the past two years. Oh please!  I am not depressed and my “depression” has not heightened.  I’ve been dealing with a whiney, douchebag of a husband who takes off and fucks his cousin the first chance he gets.  I’ve been dealing with your first affair with Harley, moving across the country knowing we were moving here because of her, dealing with the fact that I’m not allowed to ever be sad or triggered by anything in regards to said affair, adjusting to life in Whoreville, and then with your fucking downward spiral and all your friends and relatives who couldn’t be bothered the last 20 fucking years to be there for you encouraging you to leave me, and finally with your drinking and all your “anxiety” and “PTSD”.  You have absolutely drained me! Maybe instead of getting your little fee fees hurt because everything wasn’t going your way you could have put on your big boy pants and actually talked to me!  I know you will be whole without me, we aren’t good together. No shit.  It’s a little difficult to be good together when you’re fucking your cousin. So all that said I want you and I to work on this.  To be grown up about it for the sake of our children.  You don’t need to worry about “our” children.  They hate you and want nothing to do with you. And you don’t need to worry about us working on this.  Your lawyer can talk to my lawyer.  Live it up, Loverboy because once we get before a judge your world is going to be rocked.

Approximately Four Days Before D-Day

August 2015

Well, he’s in his home state.  He told me yesterday he was going to his cousin’s funeral.  He left around 11 and got there around 6:30.  He texted me to let me know he had made it but I haven’t heard from him since.  Typical.  My anxiety when he goes to his home state by himself is always already amped up and he does nothing to alleviate it.  Checking in would be nice.  Letting me know what’s going on would be nice.

I haven’t been freaking out too much.  The pit in my stomach isn’t the boiling mass it was a few days ago.  Last night was nice with him.  And he was friendly and flirty with me today.  I asked him if he loved me and he said he did.  I guess he could lie if he wanted to but I’m hoping that he is telling me the truth.

I know that eventually, somehow, I’m going to have to bring up the other FB page and his feeling that I’m going to leave him.  Maybe he no longer cares.  Maybe that’s something he worried about in February but is completely over now.  I was reading some old texts that I had screen shot and he was so head over heels in love with me just a year ago.  Telling me how much he loved me and how I was his entire life.  I liked that.

Now I can’t get him to come out of the bedroom and he spends all of his time on his phone, answering emails and talking to Blockhead.  I wish someone that he confided in actually knew the entire story and could tell him he was acting crazy.  Instead they feed the delusions and then I come across looking crazy!

I did ask him if he was ever going to go anyplace with me.  He told me he had driven someplace once and I replied that he was planning on going to this funeral by himself and then visiting Blockhead and then going to his reunion.  All by himself.

I read something today that makes a lot of sense.  I know I’ve seen something similar before but for some reason it really hit home.  The woman was talking about how her husband could just forget all about his affair and she wished that she could do the same.  Someone replied to her that once the affair is discovered it is usually a relief to the cheater; they no longer have to keep their secret life hidden.  Everything is out in the open and they no longer need to lie to you or worry about being found out.  It’s over.  But for the betrayed it’s just the beginning.  Now they know and they have to deal with the fallout.

I think that’s what Zack doesn’t get.  Once he was found out he made a choice and could move on.  He could forget about her and move on.  I, on the other hand, had just discovered my husband’s betrayal.  I was rocked with doubt and insecurity and fear and everything else. I couldn’t just forget it and move on.

I deleted all her pictures off my phone today. It felt good. I also deleted all of her corny little inspirational sayings.

I have to be able to move at my own pace.  I’m sorry if Zack doesn’t like that.  I’m sorry if it makes him feel bad or like I’m going to leave.  I have indulged him plenty.  I never discuss her or their affair with him so let me just have my own thoughts that I work through.  It’s so stupid when you think about it.  Blockhead rushes in to tell Zack all about my FB page and everything that I was upset over back then I’ve worked through.  I could have worked through it on my own with my husband being none the wiser, but noooo!  Oh God no!  Blockhead knew better.

He rewarded himself with a bottle of bourbon for going to his psychiatrist appointment on Monday.  Then on Tuesday he decided he was done with therapy with his therapist.  He said he has no faith in it and he’s too much of a black and white thinker.  He’s going to rely on the drugs to help him.  They better help fast!  I’m at the point where I’m about to take his anti anxiety medication.

Present Day Sam Says: Sad, sad, sad. I’m dancing as fast as I can to placate him, to tell myself that everything was going to be okay and it was so far off track at that point there would be no recovering.

We’ll have to discuss the FB page at some point and I’ll end up apologizing for “hurting” him. He just needs to understand what I’m feeling and how much this affair hurt me. I’ll forgive EVERYONE for the shitty way they treated me if that means my marriage prevails. And meanwhile he’s down there fucking his cousin and not giving me a second thought.

It was a nice touch when he chose to “reward” himself with a bottle of bourbon. Was he setting the stage for his PTSD/alcoholism excuse once he left me and the kids in the dust?

In the end here we are. On the verge of divorce, him living with the whore that set this whole thing in motion more than four years ago. No good deed goes unpunished and the path to Hell is paved with good intentions, right?

 

Approximately Five Days Before D-Day

August 2015

Feeling better today.  And I’ve made some progress.  Yesterday I finally removed all of her pictures in my contacts.  I had her picture up for his nephew, Pastor Fake and Jezebel still.  Since I was beginning to talk to Tammy Faye more I had already replaced that one.  I kept her number in but deleted her picture and have her in my contacts as Kim.  I started to delete most of my entries on Facebook and then just decided to deactivate that account.  I’m even considering reaching out to Jezebel with a friend request.  CONSIDERING.  It’s not a done deal.

I am finally starting to realize what Shawn the Wife means when she talks about not pain shopping and focusing on your own happiness.  Tracking her down and seeing what she was up to, trying to interpret events (her hair is longer and darker, she’s lost weight- does this mean she’s involved with my husband again? Is she getting a divorce? etc.), seeing how she was interacting with my in-laws, did nothing for me except make me crazy.  Honestly, I know that I have given her more head space than she will ever give me.  I know my in-laws will never turn their back on her and I need to let that go.  Somehow try to find a way to focus on us and our relationship.  I doubt it will ever be the same.  I was re-reading some old entries when I was deleting stuff and I came across the one that finally nailed down what it was that made everything so hard.  I loved them.  I considered them family.  But when it came down to it I wasn’t the one they rallied around.  I was disposable.  I loved them all just like they were my original family and then I found out I didn’t mean anything to them if I didn’t mean anything to Zack. I felt like they were my family; they felt like I was Zack’s wife and everything about our relationship was based on that. So, I think I can navigate some sort of relationship with them while understanding that it doesn’t really mean anything.  It makes things more peaceful at home.

Hell, I’ll even forgive Blockhead and his snooping ways.

As for Jezebel, well, I don’t trust her and any relationship we will end up having will be extremely superficial.  I can be cordial.  I can do holidays.  But I won’t be willing to do things with her on our own.  I won’t confide in her or let her in on my family life.  I can be FB friends but honestly I’ll probably unfollow her because I don’t want to see her bi-weekly profile and cover picture changes or hear about her fabulous life with her very best friend and soul mate.  If the kids choose to be friendly that’s great but I won’t be facilitating it.  I’ll just caution them that these are people they’ll see maybe once a year and if Jezebel and Husband #3 ever divorce they’ll be out of their lives forever.  Enjoy it but don’t get too close.  Oh, and the biggie, remember to NEVER EVER trust her.

This way is just so much more peaceful.  It’s hard sometimes to sustain rage and I’m over it.

Thinking about everything that has been happening lately I realized just how much I love Zack, how entwined our lives are.  I’ve spent almost half of my life with him.  It’s not just about the two of us.  It’s about us and everything that we have built over the last 21 years.  I don’t want to lose that.

I am hopeful that this is the year our anniversary offers up no triggers.  I’ve even been thinking about renewing our vows.

Present Day Sam Says:  Oh, Sam, you stupid, stupid, stupid woman.  You so badly wanted everything to be ok even though your gut was undoubtedly screaming the truth to you.  You were too trusting.

Now that I’m done scolding myself I want to say I always find these later entries so painful.  I was finally over it and just as I recover he goes and does it again, assuming, of course, that it ever truly ended.  I ate so much shit so that everything could go back to the way that it was and it turns out it was all in vain.