I’m getting ready to write this amazing post about healing and moving on and blah blah blah but first I want to get this other stuff out. I’ve been thinking about Jezebel and her reaching out comment and why that pisses me off so much.
So, here is the background. I’ve already written about how she asked Zack to keep secrets from me, went out to dinner with Zack and Husband #3 without me, encouraged Zack to leave me for Harley, criticized my spending habits, and then, 18 months later, sent me a FB friend request. After that request was declined she then ran to Zack, crying about how she had reached out to me for the last time and she was done! Why does this bother me so much?
For starters it pisses me off because she has done so many shitty things to me and she turns around and portrays herself as the victim. As MY victim. How? Did I get your husband to go out to dinner with me and my new boyfriend, Jezebel? Did I convince him to ditch you and lie to you so that he could do so? Did I convince your husband to keep secrets from you? Did I criticize you to your husband? NO! In fact, I’ve never even met your husband. Further fact, I could have met your husband back in April of ’12 but you deliberately chose to exclude me! I’ve never had a single conversation with him- not in person, not over the phone, not via email, text, or FB. Never said hi, bye, how are you, or fuck off. So, that’s the first thing. She encourages my husband to leave me for another woman and then 18 months later, after I decline a friend request, she turns herself into the victim and me into the bad guy. This is a theme that keeps recurring (not just with her) and it baffles and infuriates me.
Moving on… she tells Zack, “I’m done reaching out.” As I’ve said before, “Really? What exactly have you done to reach out?” The answer is nothing. May, June, July, and half of August Zack is waxing poetic about his darling Harley. She’s his world, the love of his life. She makes him happy. He wants to marry her. I treat him like a handyman and a paycheck. We’re just roommates. Harley good. Sam bad. He gets caught, I give him an ultimatum, and he tells his sister he’s done with Harley and he’s choosing me. Jezebel tells him she fully supports him. I hear nothing from her. No text, no email, no phone call… nothing. She never says: Gee, I’m really sorry I encouraged my brother to leave you for another woman. Never even says: Hey, how are you? I’m thinking about you. How are things between the 2 of you? I’m rooting for you two. I hope you are able to get back to where you used to be. No matter what I want you to know you’re family and I love you. What can I do to make it up to you? I want you to know I’m sorry that I hurt you. I should have stayed out of it. I think of you as a sister. You are very important to me. Your kids are important to me. I want to have a relationship with all of you. What can I do to regain your trust? What can I do to help rebuild this relationship I have so badly damaged? I don’t blame you if you hate me. I tossed you away like a used kleenex in an effort to support my brother. Please give me another chance. I’m sorry. No, none of that. Even if she were lying it would have been nice to have had her express just a sliver of remorse.
In October, when I found that FB conversation between him and his nephew I texted her and told her she should probably check up on her brother. That was October 23rd. She replied the next day and wondered what was up. I then told her he had been upset the night before because of the conversation I found. This is what I said: Honestly? He was pretty upset last night because I refused to come home. I found messages between him and his nephew where he was going to bring Harley with him to get his tattoo. She was going to get one, too. A sparrow on her foot to represent love. And he told him he needed to keep everything under wraps to protect our children until the time was right. Like they wouldn’t be able to figure out he had left their mom for this whore. And he let him know he was going to marry her. He was upset and threatening to end his life if I’m going to leave him. He’s sleeping now but I’d check up on him later because I’m still not sure what I’m going to do.
She wanted to know if it was a recent conversation with Harley. I corrected her and told her it was a conversation with his nephew about Harley and about marrying her. After, I say: I told him last night to book a flight and go find her and fuck her. He wants her so damn badly he can have her. Why don’t you go ahead and let her know he’s back on the market so the whore can take up with him and they can get married and be happy? She replies: I just know he told me he was done with her. He doesn’t want to lose his family. He made a mistake. At which point I’m all like: Wow- if only it were that easy! You don’t get to tell another woman you love her and want to marry her and your wife means absolutely nothing and then turn around and go, “Oh, my bad!” She then says: I know. Not making excuses. I just know he doesn’t want to lose his family. I go on to tell her that’s one of those things you probably need to think about *before* you start the affair because once it begins and your wife finds out it’s no longer up to you. She then replies: I understand. For my part in this I am sorry. I love my brother unconditionally. Ah, the long awaited for apology. I know there are parts that are missing from the texts on my new phone, and I’ll go back over them later. (All texts have now been included.) But, that was basically it as far as apologies go. Gee, sorry you got hurt but my allegiance is to my brother and you were collateral damage. Sorry.
I did give my spiel about how I love my brothers unconditionally, too, but I would never condone something like this. Actually, what I said was: I love my brothers unconditionally, too. But I’m very certain I would have told them to get their heads out of their asses and think about what they were doing. I would have told them to go to marriage counseling and do everything in their power to make their marriage work first. I would have told them you don’t start dating someone else when your wife doesn’t even know you want a divorce. Practically speaking, if they were carrying on an affair with a family member 1800 miles away I would have asked them how they see this playing out. Are they willing to leave their kids behind to go be with this person? Do they really think their wife is dumb enough to move 2000 miles across the country so they can be closer to the mistress? And hey, what if it doesn’t work out? Since you’ve chosen a family member how do you think that’s going to work if you call it off? You’ve picked someone that your wife is going to have to deal with until the day one of you dies. But again, I’m practical and I’ve read enough to know that in 97 or 98% of these cases once the affair partner becomes the primary partner it ends, if one spouse even leaves the other to begin with. And she tells me: Whether you believe me or not I told him ALL those things. To which I replied: So what did he say to those questions? Was he so crazy in love that he thought everything was going to work out like some fairy tale? And that’s when she begins to go into victim mode. She replies: Obviously you think I’m the enemy. I’m sorry you feel that way. My intentions were never to hurt anyone.
That’s Jezebel at her finest. Dig yourself in deep and then play the victim when you realize you backed the wrong woman. I replied (quite sensibly, I believe): What on earth did I just say to make you think that? I honestly never knew you had said anything to him beyond: you should do what makes you happy. And I knew from conversations with him that he was telling you Harley made him happy and he thought he loved her. Hell, he was telling his nephew he was going to marry her so I imagine he would have told you a lot more than that. In the end it’s not your fault. He was the one who cheated. He was the one who lied. I never expected you to choose me over him. As a close friend pointed out to me last night no one in his family would be able to hurt me if he hadn’t had an affair. She later says: I am worried about him. I am sorry you were hurt. I hate all of this for everyone. Can you all go to counseling? Do you want to try to fix this? Does he?
I have to say I find this questioning kinda weird. Didn’t he tell her he wanted his marriage? Why would she wonder if he wanted to fix this if he had already told her he didn’t want to lose me, his marriage, his kids, any of that?
There were only a few more texts between us. I told her we were going back to counseling, although now that I think about it, we never did. Told her that he said he loved me and made a huge mistake and it has always been me. Told her that he told me Harley was giving him the attention he was craving from me. I admitted that I have a hard time believing that’s all it was, that he’s been begging me not to leave him, and that I’ve always been very honest with him about not wanting a divorce. She replies back: That’s all it was. To which I said: He was telling people he was going to marry her. He told people he loved her. That doesn’t sound like nothing. And then she says: I understand. Do you? Do you really understand? How?
The following day I texted: I realize in hindsight that it sounds like I didn’t return home at all the other night. That’s not true and it wasn’t my intention to lead anyone on to believe I had stayed away all night. I did come home after about two hours. Your mom called last night thinking I had left him and I wanted to clear that up. She just said ok, and asked how things were. I told her they were ok and that we had talked a little bit but he had asked that we not talk about any of this for a few days because he had been such an anxious wreck for the last 36 hours. She said: Understand. I then told her he was doing better that day and made a joke about how he was fortunate that he had an extremely understanding wife. I followed that up with: Of course, that may lead to my downfall. And she says: Well, let’s just hope this is the beginning of a better road.
That was the last conversation of any type I have had with her since. October 25, 2013. Not one follow up. Hell, maybe she’s following up with her brother. But if you’re going to go crying to that brother about how you’re done reaching out you might want to have some proof you’ve actually reached out. She never did. *I* reached out to her, only because Zack had said when the shit first hit the fan and he thought I was going to make him sever his ties with her, that she was the only one who could talk him off the ledge. He was on a ledge that night and I was pissed and I wasn’t going to come home. I texted her so she could help clean up the mess the two of them had created with all their lies and collusion. She could help him through this since she was the one telling him all along that he should do whatever made him happy because he deserved it. She had helped mire him further into this mess and she could help him now that it wasn’t all going his way. She gave me 2 half hearted apologies. For my part in this I am sorry. I love my brother unconditionally. Yes, she’s sorry, but anyone else would have done the same if they loved their brother like she loves hers, right? I’m sorry but…. you really can’t expect me to have your back. I’m sorry but… my brother told me he was in love with someone else so what was I supposed to do? I’m sorry but… Harley makes him happy and you don’t so obviously I’m going to take this chance to have my brother join me in the Leave Your Spouse For Another Person club. Obviously you think I’m the enemy. I’m sorry you feel that way. My intentions were never to hurt anyone. I am worried about him. I am sorry you were hurt. I hate all of this for everyone. Who is everyone, Jezebel? Because as far as I’m concerned the only victim here is me. I would count my kids as well if he had actually left, but since they’ve never had a clue about what their dad was doing that summer I feel comfortable leaving them off the victim list. I mean, are you feeling sorry for Zack because he cheated and got caught and didn’t get to live out his happily ever after? Are you feeling sorry for Zack because you think he gave up happiness for duty? Why exactly are you feeling sorry for Zack, if he’s part of “everyone”? Because he feels bad now that he got caught? Because he found out it wasn’t as simple as saying, “Oops! Sorry! I promise I won’t do it again. Turns out I love YOU!” I’m trying to wrap my mind around it. Are you hating it for you because you got caught supporting your brother and his whore? Sorry because it’s cost you a relationship with your niece and nephew? I mean, seriously, how are you hating it for yourself? You’ve lost almost nothing. You never saw those kids. If I brought them to you you’d carve out an hour or two, maybe an evening, to see them. You didn’t stay in contact with them. Are you hating it for your mom and Pastor Fake? Why? I was obviously disposable, so why the fuck is everyone so sad that they don’t have a relationship with me now that Zack has decided he wants to be back with me?
I think even more than just right after the discovery of their affair, the fact that she never reached out after this and then runs to whine to Zack baffles me. She was given the perfect opening. In the end it’s not your fault. He was the one who cheated. He was the one who lied. I never expected you to choose me over him. And let’s face it- with today’s technology there are so many ways to get your message across. You don’t have to talk face to face. Never once after that day did she ask me how things were or even tell me she was “praying” for us. She never texted a Happy Thanksgiving or a Merry Christmas. To be fair, she did send Christmas gifts that year which I didn’t acknowledge. I know that was a bitch move but I figure she’s Zack’s family and he can deal with her. Plus, I’m fairly certain that she never made a huge effort to let us know she got anything we sent, or how everyone liked everything. Never wished me a happy birthday. Never texted just to ask: Hey, what are you up to these days? Or: How’s it going? Or: Hey, I heard you took the kids to Disneyland. How was that? Did they have fun? Did you have fun? She could have asked the same about our trip to the Grand Canyon and Four Corners. I’m sure Zack told his mom about all of that. She must have known we were moving, where we were moving. Undoubtedly he had told her of his and Harley’s master plan to get him closer so he was putting in a bid for the Whoreville plant. So she knew I was being moved closer to his whore. Knew I was moving to a town that he had plotted to move to to be closer to Harley. But she never asked me how I felt about the move. Never asked me if I was ok with it, how the kids were taking it. She never said: Wow- you’ve got a big move coming up. How do you feel about that? How are the kids taking the news? This will be a fresh start for the two of you. Are you excited? Perfect opening. Could have texted or messaged or emailed after the move and asked how we were liking it here. Even made a comment like: We’re so much closer now. We’d love to come visit as soon as you get settled. You’ve never met my husband and I think Rock Star and Picasso would really love my stepkids. Nope, again, nothing. Didn’t ask if I was doing ok handling everything by myself with Zack living in our new state. How’s it working out for the two of you with you and the kids still living in your former state and him in your new state? Are you doing ok? Are you stressed? How are the kids doing? I know this one would be a stretch but in August she could have sent a message saying something like: You’ve made it through the first year. Hoping this will be the first of many great years for the two of you. Yes, I giggle just typing that because I know she’s not nearly that aware of other people. I’m just busy tossing bones out. Once the kids started school she could have asked how they were adjusting, if they liked it. Hell, she could have asked about them over the summer. Hey, I heard Picasso is spending a month in Florida. Wow- that’s great. I know he’ll have a great time. (He didn’t.) Or, I heard Rock Star sprained her ankle. How’s she doing? NOTHING! She had many, many chances to ask how we were doing. Not even in the context of how we were doing as a couple who was dealing with the aftermath of Zack’s affair. Just how the fuck we were doing as a fucking family that she supposedly loves oh so much. No, for over a year I had heard nothing from her, and then out of the blue I get a friend request from her. And when I decline it she runs to her brother and declares: I’m done reaching out to her. Again, I ask, when exactly has she reached out to me? Was it when she gave her lame ass apologies, cloaked in excuses, after *I* reached out to *her*? Was it when she sent her customary $5-$10 Christmas gifts that same year? I won’t apologize for not buying gifts for her and her family. That is now Zack’s responsibility, same as thanking her for the gifts is his responsibility. If I’m disposable because I’m just the current female he’s fucking and he’s her BROTHER who she supports unconditionally no matter what, then why does she think gift buying/gifting falls under my domain anymore? Oh no, honey, that’s your brother’s responsibility now. Same with making sure the kids get down to his home state, although that’s off the table for you now. You will NEVER be around my kids again. But up until February when you were telling my husband how crazy and wrong I am, and how he deserves better than me and he needs to leave me, it would have been Zack’s job to get them to His home state to see you. No, there had been no reaching out. Jezebel has just been handed so few consequences for her shitty behavior that she can’t deal with it when someone isn’t blinded by her bullshit anymore. Consequences? What consequences? I’m Jezebel. Everyone just tells me how pretty I am and giggles coz that’s Jezebel. No one holds anything against me. And if they do then that must mean I’m the victim. Nice try, honey, but it won’t work this time. It takes a lot to really piss me off. It takes a lot to push me over the edge. But once you’ve managed to do that I do not back down and I do not forget.
I know I tend to ramble and go over and over things ad nauseam but I knew there was a reason that really ticked me off. I think it was because she had so many chances to reach out, to reach out and not make it about her brother, his affair, or his part in it. And she never did it. But when I wasn’t ready to make nice it suddenly turns into, “Sam is a big ol’ meanie! I’ve tried and tried but she won’t give me the time of day and I’m just done trying!” I’ll be honest, I don’t know if her reaching out would have changed anything. But at least she would have had a leg to stand on when she went whining to her brother. If she had sent a couple of texts to check up on me, or, I know this one is entirely out in left field, but an email or a letter where she actually says: This is crazy. I’m sorry for what I did. I know I was wrong. I don’t have any excuse but I want to make things right. Please tell me what I can do. You are family. I hate that my mom is never going to have all of her kids and grandkids together again. I hate the thought of never seeing Picasso or Rock Star again. I hate the idea of never spending another holiday together. Can’t we please work through this? Just tell me what I can do to help you move on, how I can make it up to you and prove myself. At least THEN she could honestly say she had tried. She had tried, she had reached out, and I rejected every advance. But that’s not what happened. She asked Zack to keep secrets from me, she lied to me, she ditched me while she and Zack went out to dinner with Husband #3, she encouraged Zack to leave me for someone else, and she criticized my spending habits. Then when the jig was up she practically went into hiding. Never reached out to me. She reached out to Zack at least once when he wasn’t texting her much. Hey, Jezebel, you didn’t fuck over your brother. You fucked me over. And 16 months later she sends me a friend request. Let’s just pretend this never happened and nothing is wrong. Yes, Jezebel, I want to see you change your cover photo and your profile picture every 2 weeks so everyone can tell you what a great picture it is. I want to hear you gush over your new husband and tell the world how crazy you are about him and how he’s your soul mate and very best friend. I want to watch you post about all the sweet things your step kids do for you, knowing that in another 10 years, give or take a year or 2, that you’re going to break their hearts because you’re done playing Rambo Barbie and you want to move back to the city. I want to watch as you post picture after picture of you going on vacation to Florida and Gatlinburg, while you continue to tell us how you’ll try to get to our house one of these days. I want to look at pictures of you dressed in hunting gear and pictures of dead deer. That just makes my day. Oh, and I’d love to hear about all the expensive gifts you’ve been given for Christmas, your birthday, Mother’s Day, and your anniversary. If anyone deserves it, it’s you. I’d also love to hear about all the elaborate plans you’ve got going on for your big whopping 2nd year anniversary. That would just be awesome. Oh, and how can I forget all your shout outs to your newest “sister” and reading all about that fantastic relationship. It means so much, especially when I’ve been tossed aside, despite having been your “sister” for 20 years. I love watching your FB page and seeing how frequently you can run down to Florida and how often your in-laws can do something fantastic for you. That never gets old. Yes, nothing says our relationship has been repaired like becoming shallow FB friends. Especially when you’re so busy showing off everything that everyone does for you that you can never comment, like, or support what anyone else is doing. I’m sure that if we had become FB friends again then I would be running the kids to your home state once again, we’d just be best buds, and we’d spend all of our holidays together. Hmmmm… somehow I don’t see that happening.