Affairytale

Oh, how I wish I could take credit for that term. Unfortunately, I stole it from one of Chump Lady’s many commenters. It was what that particular commenter calls her ex-husband’s relationship with his whore.

If the “relationship” between the two cheaters is called affairytale, then what word might describe a marriage between two cheaters?

A farce registered at Macy’s. Fine. That’s more than one word. Yet, that is how Chump Lady describes the marriage between the cheater and the affair partner. How better to tell the world that this wasn’t some tawdry affair than to pledge to love, honor and cherish your affair partner. Sure, you sold that same pack of lies about love and commitment and forsaking all others to your ex but hey, this time you really mean it! This is your soul mate, after all. There will be no pesky problems that permeate real life.  Or as Chump Lady wrote:

I think you’re pretty clear on their motivations- to show the world, with hand-engraved invitations and pastel sugared almonds- that they aren’t fuck ups.  No, their treachery had PURPOSE!  This is what soul mates DO- they marry.  You were just an obstacle to their happiness, and so now they can be together for eternity!

…what does marriage mean to two people who have already shat all over monogamy?  What does commitment mean to people who don’t honor commitments?  What does honor mean to dishonorable people?  It’s a farce registered at Macy’s.

People who cheat have crappy life skills… They tend to be narcissists… Narcissism and crappy life skills are not good qualities in a partner.  Perhaps you suffer from the common chump delusion that with the affair partner they will be different!  Well yeah, their surroundings are different.  Their wedding china is different.  But they are still the same crappy people they were before, only now with more baggage and life complications.  His dick doesn’t have magic transformative properties that turn her into a good woman. [And her pussy doesn’t have magic transformative properties that turn him into a good man.]

If you’re feeling particularly vengeful, the best you can hope for is that they stay stuck with each other for many years to come, as the shiny quickly wears off.  Someone is bound to cheat and check out.  Gaslight.  Blameshift.  Do less and expect the other to pull more weight.  A long, miserable life together trying to prove everyone wrong- hey, it was so worth fucking up everyone else’s life to have this… banal, shitty existence together.

So how do marriages that begin with an affair fare? Not too well, according to everything I can find. Someone once went to the trouble of compiling this list of “statistics”. I put it in quotes because a lot of it was extrapolation.

  1. Depending on the sources only 1-10% of married men leave their spouses and marry their whores.  I think that’s a pretty wide range but I’m also fairly certain I’ve heard anywhere from 2-3% all the way up to 10%.
  2. Over 75% who marry affair partners eventually divorce.  Color me shocked.  What, you mean two cheaters couldn’t make it work?  What is the world coming to these days?
  3. 80% of those who divorce during an affair regret their decision.  Yeah, it must really suck when reality intrudes on fantasy and the cheater discovers exactly who he or she is stuck with now.
  4. To sum up, for every 100 people who have an affair anywhere from 1-10 of them marry their affair partner.  Of those, statistics say that 75% will divorce within 5 years.  (I wonder what the overall statistics are.  Jezebel and Husband #2 lasted 10 years post marriage.)  Ultimately, MAYBE 1-3 out of 100 live “happily ever after”.

Put another way…

*Chances of affair ending in marriage: 10% or 1 in 10.

Chances of affair marriage divorce: 80% (1 in 5 affair marriages will survive).

Chances of “Happily Ever After” marriage to AP: 2% or 1 in 50 (1 in 10 multiplied by 1 in 5 = 1 in 50 or 2/100 (2%)).

Sure, there are cases where two cheaters end up together. Hell, I’ve said many times people do indeed win the lottery; doesn’t mean you should stake your retirement on those odds. I also realize that pretty much everyone who is engaged in an affair believe that they are special. This affair is different; it’s true love. They are soul mates. The sex is phenomenal and the AP understands the poor cheating spouse like no one else ever could. It is fate, destiny. Okay. Sure. You are different. This really is true love. You are soul mates. It’s destiny. Let’s examine some of these examples of fate and destiny, otherwise known as marriages that resulted from an affair…

I again point to Jezebel and Husband #2. She left her first husband, the father of her children, for her pastor. He was her very best friend. The whole problem between her and her first husband was lack of communication. And the fact that their sex life was nonexistent. When she married Husband #2 people told her she had never looked happier.

But alas… reality set in. Life got real. She decided she had daddy issues which set her up to marry Husband #2, who happened to be 20 years older than her. She re-used the exact same script. New affair partner was now her very best friend. She was wild about him. He made her happy. In fact, people told her they had never seen her looking happier. Imagine that!

Husband #2 was convinced she was worth giving up everything for. And give up everything he did. He lost his church. They struggled financially for many years. He had to get a regular job.

Yet, in the midst of it they were madly in love. They were very best friends. Until life got real and he couldn’t keep up with giving her all the attention (and material goods) that she demanded. Until she found someone else. Now Husband #3 is the love of her life as the clock ticks on his shelf life.

On the bright side for any cheaters out there willing to risk it all for someone with poor morals and lousy character… they did manage to remain married for approximately 10 years. They were together for 14 years, although she was cheating by year 13. So if it blows up it doesn’t always blow up immediately…. unlike the next set of star crossed lovers.

Bonnie and Clyde remain one of my favorite “success” stories. He left his long term marriage for a woman who ended up embezzling from her employer to fund their extravagant lifestyle. I’m not sure what part he played in all of that but I do know he joined her in prison after they were busted. Joined her is not exactly correct. He was sent to the men’s prison while she went to the women’s prison and then onto a halfway house where she met her next husband. Their marriage lasted less than five years and they caused a hell of a lot of destruction during that time.

While I don’t know this next person personally I’ve read her story for many years now. She married her best friend, a man she had dated for 10 years. They had two children. She quit her job to be a stay at home mom at his urging. Then when their youngest was 4 he got another woman pregnant. On purpose. He never did marry his affair partner, but he did eventually move in with her and their shared child. Now he’s cheating on the first other woman and she is appalled that he could do such a thing to her. That bitch actually emailed the ex-wife to complain about it! It was understandable when he was cheating with her on his wife, but now that she was the main course she was stunned he was still looking for a side dish. I’m your destiny!

I was once a part of a large group of friends. Eventually one of the men left his wife for one of her good friends. The story was they just fell in love. My friend ended up putting their house on the market and it sold in less than 24 hours. She sold off all her possessions and moved into an apartment. Their life together was obliterated while he sought out happiness with a woman my friend considered to be one of her best friends. But the two cheaters had so much in common. I believe “so much in common” boiled down to they both liked to golf. At one point the two lovebirds wore matching clothes. Awww… isn’t that sweet? It was another marriage that didn’t last. She’s now married to a man she used to know years ago. He’s just the best husband in the world, according to her Facebook page. Again, a huge amount of damage left behind in the wake of their short-lived fateful marriage.

I have a friend whose sister had a many year affair with a married man. They are now married. His kids refuse to have anything to do with her. It’s still a relatively new marriage. I think they’ve been married around 5 years so we’ll see how it pans out in the long run.

There is another website I used to visit frequently, back in my reconciliation days. I think it’s called Healing From An Emotional Affair. The couple dealt with his emotional affair with a co-worker. During the course of the time they’ve had this blog the wife’s brother had an affair, left his wife and married his mistress. His children have very little to do with him and nothing to do with his wife. And this is years later. Their mother recently died from cancer. Their father paid for the funeral and was in attendance. His wife flew on back home. I won’t say it’s not a happy life because he never speaks about it. It’s always tales from his sister or brother-in-law. It is apparent, though, that the man now has to live two separate lives- one with his kids and one with his wife. That sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

Another friend that I work with had a cheating husband as well. We were comparing stories one day. He cheated on her with his best friend’s wife. Long story short- they divorced their spouses and married each other. They even had twins. Then she cheated on him. Hell, maybe she cheated on him before the twins. Doesn’t matter. She cheated. They divorced. She died. That karma sure is a bitch, huh?

I’m also struck by the number of people who write blogs because they’re either in the midst of a divorce, or have recently divorced.  After reading for a while you suddenly discover that they were the other woman. In one case it’s a man who left his wife for his narcissistic affair partner. It didn’t end well. It usually doesn’t. It’s yet another case of people thinking they are getting this wonderful prize, that they deserved it and the spouse was in their way. Take what you want because you deserve it. And then WHAM! It turns out the shiny, sparkling prize was nothing but a sparkly turd. They are SHOCKED! You would think that most people would be able to connect the dots… if you are with a person who thinks it’s perfectly okay to cheat… you are not with a very good person…. that person has crappy character.  If you are willing to cheat then you, too, have crappy character.

Then there was the woman who left her husband for her affair partner. They got married and shortly thereafter, the new husband killed her. Nothing says true love like murder, right? It’s not quite Romeo and Juliet but it’s so close!

There was also the man who divorced his wife for his mistress. Friends and the ex-wife said she was a gold digger. She denied it, of course. Everything was picture perfect for a while. She eventually befriended his kids and gave birth to two more children for him. They lived a lavish lifestyle, filled with parties, cars, vacations, and big houses. Then the real estate bubble burst and he lost all his money. She soon filed for divorce and eventually had him killed. Yes, I did see that one on ID TV; that does not negate the fact that a man left his wife for his mistress and ended up being killed by her.

I’m sure Stacy Peterson thought she was special and unique when she was having an affair with Drew Peterson. He’s now in prison for her murder. Well, I suppose she was unique in that unlike the ex-wives her body has never been found.

Then there are those who remain married but miserable. As has been pointed out before it’s a farce registered at Macy’s. You destroy a family, you toss away kids, you lose the respect of many close to you so it had all damn well better be worth it.

I’ll never forget the story from a commenter on Chump Lady. Her in-laws married after an affair. She said they were both miserable. MIL got pregnant and FIL left his wife and 3 children for the pregnant mistress.  By all outward appearances they have it all and they look like an amazing couple- multiple homes, flashy cars, lots of outward displays to demonstrate their happy life together.  But it is all a sham, according to the daughter-in-law.  Their lifestyle is supported by charity and handouts.  The FIL is depressed over the fact his 3 previous children have nothing to do with him.  His wife is a functioning alcoholic who is on antidepressants and needs sleep aids to sleep.  They have nothing to do with one another but they can say they’ve been married for 34 years and whenever an anniversary comes along they will celebrate the shit out of it to put on a good face to the crowds.  They have to keep this facade up because otherwise their “great love story” isn’t so great.  It’s just another tawdry affair that devastated lives.

I know; I know. There are undoubtably some cheaters out there who are thinking, “Yes, but none of those people are exactly like me. I need statistics on men who are left-handed, make between $80,000 & $110,000, like to restore vintage record players, went to school in the South, and dislike baseball. Furthermore, my affair partner is a vet tech who excels in math and science and who loves chocolate.”

Sorry. I’m not able to be more precise. I’ve given you story after story where things have not worked out well for the cheaters. The Internet is filled with stories of people who thought they had found a sparkling diamond only to find out it was glitter covered turd. You know what divorce lawyers call affair partners who get married? Repeat business.

I’ll admit sometimes it does work out. It’s rare but it happens. Just like I’m sure that sometimes the hooker with the heart of gold really does wind up getting married to the millionaire like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I wouldn’t start working the streets with that in mind but if someone wants to try it, be my guest. Let me know how it works out for you. By all accounts it’s a disaster.

As for the faithful spouse, the one who was betrayed and left behind here is some uplifting information. I hope it makes you smile. I’m not sure where I found it, but it was written by a marriage and sex therapist who sees this kind of thing all the time.

Overwhelmed by a potent mixture of anger, guilt, and wounded narcissism, they’re often kept afloat by the solace and support of caring friends. The faithful spouse is perceived as the more disadvantaged, almost without fail. After all, the other partner is now comfortably ensconced in a new relationship.

As a sex and marital therapist, I’ve seen lots of marriages dissolve in this pattern, and it has changed how I focus my efforts to help both partners. For all the emotional turmoil monogamous spouses endure, I’ve also known them to emerge from this situation in better emotional shape than they’ve ever enjoyed before. Not so for the spouse who “found someone new” before separating from their current partner, all the while lying about it.

While the pain of the monogamous spouse is immediate and apparent, the fallout for the adulterous spouse is usually longer in coming and less predictable–until you understand what’s going on.

Some people become richer, fuller, happier human beings by staying in their marriages; others accomplish this by getting divorced. But I’ve never seen growth occur when someone continues an extramarital affair while ending their marriage.

“I’ve outgrown you”–sugar-coated as “We’ve grown apart”–is often the stated reason for the split. They may look like they’re standing on their own two feet, or even standing up to their spouse, but when there’s an extramarital affair going on, it only seems that way. Such behavior is a charade of independence, integrity and personal growth, not the real thing. The departing spouse isn’t just holding onto a “new” partner while they let go of the other; more often, they’re leaning on the new partner because they can’t or won’t stand up–or hold onto–themselves.

Reaching Out, Part 3

I was sitting at home Friday night, fresh as a daisy after my thirteen hour day. Ha ha. That’s a joke. No, actually that’s sarcasm. A friend from work invited me out for drinks with her and some of the women she works with at her other job. I was going to go but needed to go home and change first. My feet were killing me because I stood all day. I got home, took off my boots and decided I was too comfortable to move. I stayed in instead.

Later that night I got a message on Facebook from CF’s relative that I wrote about before, the one who told me how sorry she was about everything that had happened. She said we hadn’t spoken in a while and she was just checking up on me to see how I was doing.

I’m nothing if not honest. I told her I was “eh”. There was some chitchat and her hope that I had a good support system because she recognized that it couldn’t be easy to do everything on my own. She asked how the kids were doing and when I told her Picasso had adjusted from day 1 she cautioned me that the quiet ones are always the ones you need to watch out for. I let her know that he was fine and as far as he was concerned his dad was dead. I also told her it wasn’t much of a leap seeing as how he never did much with them when we were married. She said she was sorry and that she didn’t realize it had been that bad. Hell, I didn’t realize it had been that bad so who could blame her? I didn’t find out about Picasso longing to have a dad who would do things with him until well after all this had gone down. She went on to tell me she had reached out to CF because she was concerned about a mutual friend. She told me he was still family and it was none of her business what had happened between us but she did encourage him to mend fences with all of us because “divorce happens, but parenthood is a lifetime commitment.”

I ignored that bit and decided to concentrate on the mutual friend. I let her know that he occasionally checked up on me and had offered to talk to CF for me. I also told her I had told him not to bother.

We talked about dogs and how my very own pooch has been waking me up in the middle of the night (as if I don’t already have to get up practically in the middle of the night anyway!). I told her I probably wouldn’t get another dog after my 3 die. I was done with dogs, done with men and done with babies. Ends up she’s a big softie and said that while she had said the same thing she knew she was the type of person who would see a box of puppies and end up taking them all home. She then goes on to ask if she’s mentioned that her brother has a retired, single twin brother? I reiterated that I was absolutely done.

She’s been through a divorce herself and said she had felt the same way. She figured she would either be a hermit or a lesbian and since she didn’t like girls that way, well, hermit it would be. But then of course, her husband came along and swept her off her feet and now she’s blissfully happy.

I’m so sick and tired of hearing how this divorce is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me and how I’ll find love and happiness again someday so I was in a pretty snarky mood. I told her everyone keeps telling me that but it’s really difficult to meet someone when you work 6 days a week and go to bed at 8 or 9 if you’re afforded the luxury. I added on for good measure that I probably should have started dating while I was married and that the only person who would be remotely interested in me would undoubtedly be some sort of predator.

Seriously, folks, that’s the point I’m at. Someone who thinks I’m vulnerable and weak would be about the only person interested in me. I’m middle aged, I’m fat, I live with my mother, I don’t even have a bed, much a less a bedroom to call my own. I no longer have any furniture or even very many belongings to call my own. I’m in the middle of a divorce from a man who chose his fucking gold digging whore of a cousin over me. I have 2 teenage kids that I can barely support and I work 2 fucking jobs, neither of which are very impressive or well paying. Quite honestly, if I met a man with those same qualities I would not be interested in him so how on earth could I possibly think that someone would be interested in me with all those oh so lovely things going on? One or two of them? Sure! The whole damn list? Not a chance!

Anyway, she goes on to tell me that my schedule doesn’t really leave much time for anything like dating right now and that I should do what I need to do to be happy in my own skin and with my own company.

She obviously has no idea that I’ve done that my entire marriage. And again, I go back to the fact that I work 6 days a week. I work 13 hour days, even if I’m not actually at work and working for those entire 13 hours. In fact, I found out before leaving yesterday that I will probably be working until 7:15 on Monday, so I get to look forward to a 16 hour day.

Gosh, this is all so worth it if Cousinfucker is happy. If me working 16 hours a day means that he’s able to live a life of leisure and spend his days fucking his whore cousin and being a fantastic father to her four fucking kids who already have a father, then I say bring on the hours! Who cares if he was an awful father to our own? If he’s a great daddy to them then that’s all that matters.

Back to the conversation: She says that once I remember I am a strong, fantastic woman other people will see it, too. If I’m meant to be on my own then be happy. Be me. Don’t go out with someone just to have something to do or because it’s expected. Apparently, I am amazing and fabulous and have plenty of time to be picky about who I spend time with.

I thanked her but told her I wasn’t going to waste my time again and that honestly I was just hoping for an early death. I would prefer a heart attack or brain aneurysm. I wasn’t looking for anything violent; I would prefer not to get stabbed or shot or killed in a car accident. In the end I decided I would probably prefer to go with the aneurysm because the heart attack might hurt.

She concluded that I probably shouldn’t talk to our mutual friend because he was going through some dark times as well. I think she might have been afraid that we would feed off of each other and end up in a suicide pact or something. She told me that I had been through hell and that I deserved to be happy.

I believe I wrote before that although we’ve been Facebook friends for some time I’ve never actually met her in real life. We didn’t really interact much either although we would comment on each other’s posts and like pictures and stuff.

I want to reiterate that because although I think she’s a really neat person and her heart seems genuine I’m not sure this a relationship I can keep going.

When she first apologized for opening a big can of worms and I told her what happened, she really seemed to get it. She was the only person who has actually had an ounce of sympathy for me and my kids and what they’ve gone through (as far as that family goes). I kind of feel all that goes out the window though once you start talking about how “he’s still family” and “it’s none of my business what went on between the two of you.”

Well, I agree; it’s not automatically your business, but I’ve opened up and shared with you what did go on. Your cousin ripped me out of my home of eight years, moved me across the country to get closer to his fucking cousin/mistress, cheated on me, lied to me, and eventually moved out of the damn state without saying a word to any of us. Now, if I hadn’t mentioned any of that, or said, “I don’t want to talk about it,” or “What business is it of yours anyway?” then she would have a point. It would be none of her business. But now she knows. Now it is her business. And honestly, if you feel it’s none of your business then why bother reaching out to him to encourage him to “mend fences” with all of us?

Honey, I assure you, there is no fence to mend. That sonofabitch better stay far, far away from me. His kids want nothing to do with him. They know what he is. As Rock Star has said many times, “If he were truly sorry about what he has done, he wouldn’t still be with the whore.” Okay, I added the whore part; she just said “her”. Picasso has declared his dad is dead to him and mocks him whenever the chance arises. I used to say that if he were on fire I wouldn’t piss on him. Right now if he were on fire I would throw gasoline on him. I will never mend fences with him. We will never have a civil relationship. I will never think fondly of him. I will never wish him well. I want nothing to do with that sociopathic lying cheater. I hope he dies a long, painful death. I hope he finds out the whore has been cheating on him since day 1, that she was taking his money and fucking her husband at the same time and that she’s still cheating on him and plans to leave him right at the same time he finds out he has an incurable, fatal disease.

That’s how I feel about him. I know it’s not kind and loving. I don’t care. I’m not kind and loving when it comes to people who lie to me, who cheat on me, who betray me, who humiliate me. They deserve no such thing. If I’m honest I want the people who supposedly support me to feel the same way about him. There’s no half assing it with this kind of shit. You’re either with me or you’re against me.

I don’t feel like I can be brutally honest with her because my truth is I hate his guts. I hate Harley’s guts. I think they are both awful, repellent people and anyone who can joke with them or like shit on their Facebook page or lend them support or encouragement or tell them how great they look or how wonderful they are is not someone I want in my corner. I don’t know that she’s done any of that, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she has. Unfortunately, their so-called happiness was achieved at the expense of me and my children. I want “my people” to acknowledge that, not make excuses for it. There are going to be times when she asks me how things are going and I’m going to be pissed off. I’m going to want to vent and call him names and talk about what a gold digging whore I think Harley is. It’s not going to be pretty and I’m not sure she’s up for that. I think she would prefer to keep things upbeat and neutral. I’m not neutral.

I don’t want to imply that she has been anything but great, supportive, sympathetic, etc. I don’t feel like she’s running back to him and telling him anything I may have said. But, as she also pointed out, he’s family. That will always be the bottom line.

I don’t post much on Facebook. I have nothing of interest to post anymore. There is not much exciting or good that happens to me anymore so I’m very quiet. Occasionally I will post something funny that one of my kids has said, or I’ll post a picture of one of them. But I don’t talk about my 3 jobs I’ve had over the last 6 months or the fact I was forced out of my house and forced to leave all my belongings behind or my impending divorce or the fact that my husband likes to fuck his cousin or the fact that I moved back in with my mother at age 47. Not right now anyway. Oh, don’t worry. I will. Once this is all over I’m going to hang out that dirty laundry like you wouldn’t believe. Hell, I may run a new update daily. Anyone who doesn’t like it can unfriend or unfollow me because after the hell I’ve been through I can assure pretty much anyone that them not liking my Facebook status updates is low, low, low on the list of things that I give even the teeniest tiniest of fucks about.

Currently, I think the plan is going to be letting her be in control of the conversation. I won’t reach out to her but if she reaches out to me then I’m going to be honest when she asks me things. Once the divorce is final I’m going to blast away on Facebook. If she can’t tolerate the things I say about her relative then I’m sure she’ll unfriend or unfollow. That’s up to her.

I’m kind of sad. I thought I finally found one person who got it. I suppose you can never expect their family members to get it. Lesson learned.

Breaking News!

How many have heard the news? Brangelina is no more. The Internet is abuzz with news of Angie filing for divorce. The rumor mill is swirling; if “anonymous sources” are to be believed she hired a PI to catch him cheating with a co-star. How on earth could she ever think Brad would behave in such an egregious manner? It is impossible!

Okay, I’m done snarking. I do find it interesting how this is being presented by different sources. There is the obligatory, “The Greatest Love Affair Of All Time Has Died!” contingency. To which I say, “Bullshit!” They were cheaters. He was married to another woman and this wasn’t the first time Angelina was involved with a man who had a wife or fiancee. Billy Bob Thornton, anyone? This is how affairs usually work themselves out. Their relationship is not a great love story that will endure throughout the ages. They are not two soul mates destined to be together. THEY ARE NOT SPECIAL! Yes, they are fabulously wealthy and have lived an amazing life; yet when you strip that all away they are just two ordinary cheaters. It would be refreshing if someone would point that out at least once.

Then you have the people who are thinking about the six children involved. I think this is a good conversation to have; unfortunately, I think they stop short of talking about what they really should talk about. I think this would be a phenomenal time to start talking about how relationships that begin as affairs don’t usually last, and because of that, any children born or adopted into these families are probably going to have to suffer through their parents’ divorce. Brad cheated on his wife. Angelina willingly became involved with a married man. They brought six children into their relationship. Stop talking about this being a tragedy and start talking about the consequences of marrying your affair partner!

I don’t know if the rumors are true and that he is indeed cheating on her. I don’t know if she really did hire a PI because she thought he was cheating. I did see someone from the entertainment industry who was saying that generally when people in that world do simply grow apart they issue a joint statement and it reads along the lines of: We still love one another but we have grown apart. Irreconcilable differences. Our children will continue to be our number one priority. Co-parenting. Still best friends. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time. Blah blah blah.

He pointed out that this is not how this particular divorce filing has gone down. She’s saying she is divorcing for the health of the family and is asking for sole custody. It is not a joint statement. He in turn replied that his children will continue to be his priority, which is apparently code for, “Over my dead body, bitch!” So again I say I don’t really know if he’s cheating on her or not but for the purpose of these next two points I’m going to believe that he is.

This goes to prove the old adage: If he (or she) cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you. They always think they’re so special. He (or she) wouldn’t do that to me! I’m nothing like his wife. I’m shiny and perfect. No, you’re really not. You’re available. Keep in mind that when a man marries his mistress he creates an opening.

I’ve seen this happen up close and personal. Jezebel and Husband #2 are a prime example. When they got together they were very best friends and soul mates. He was exactly what she needed. He gave up everything for her and in turn she cheated on him with Husband #3. They lasted 14 years total, married 11 but she began cheating about a year prior. Harley’s former brother-in-law and Pastor Fake’s first wife are another example. Those two idiots were trying to rewrite history and change biology. That one didn’t last nearly as long but it did result in prison terms for both of them so that was an interesting twist. After she dumped her husband for the ex-con she met in the halfway house she ended up divorcing him several years later, too.

It also goes to show you that it’s not because the spouse has done something wrong or she’s let herself go. Angelina Jolie is a beautiful woman. I’m sure she has hundreds, if not thousands, of men who would date her in a hot second. She is extremely thin and always well dressed. It cannot be said that she has let herself go. It appears that they spent time alone and they could travel all over the world. I would think their life was filled with excitement, and yet, infidelity still occurred. I don’t think she committed any of the sins that regularly lead to us being told we brought this on ourselves and it still happened (allegedly).

If he has indeed cheated on her perhaps this new OW will get smart and realize what her future holds. Maybe she will decide it’s not worth it to hitch her wagon to his star. Otherwise, ten years from now the tabloids will be all abuzz about their impending divorce. Nah, I’m sure she’s special.

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Welcome to the Jungle, Part 2

Note:  This is the second part of the story.  To see the first part, click here.  And once again all these stories have been told to me by Zack, or members of Zack’s family.  If they are not true accounts that is because lying liars who lie lied to me.

Incidentally, that is not his real name but I also know he hates the name.  Always said it reminded him of the kid on Saved By the Bell and he hated him for some reason.  I really wanted to name my son Zachary but he wouldn’t hear of it.  All because of that kid on Saved By the Bell.  Well guess what, asshole?  Now YOUR name is Zack!  Doesn’t Harley and Zack have a nice ring to it?  I’m trying to take the potty mouth down a notch so I may start referring to him as Zack on occasion instead of Cousinfucker all the time.

Now let’s get a little freakier!  I’ve made mention of my STBX-SIL, aka Jezebel.  Where do we start?  Again, something simple and easy to digest.  The first time I ever met Jezebel the entire family had plans to go to a Mexican restaurant.  Jezebel brought Chinese food with her into this Mexican restaurant.  She didn’t really want Mexican so she called to see if she could bring her own food.  I had never heard of such a thing.  That should have been my first clue that good ol’ Jezzy didn’t play by ordinary people’s rules.  She, like Cousinfucker, was very, very special.

This is the sister who loves to talk about how much she just loves her brother.  Pictures are worth a thousand words and she lives her life in pictures.  I think the happiest day of her life was when Facebook allowed you to have a profile picture AND a cover picture.  Now she could switch out 2 pictures all the time, instead of just one!  Seriously, I had to stop following her even when I did like her because I couldn’t stand the constant changing of her profile and cover pictures.  We get it!  You’re pretty.  Everyone tells you exactly how pretty.  We also get that you are madly in love with Husband #3 and have a new found love of all things outdoors.  Hey- could I see yet another picture of you hanging onto the “love of your life” or you dressed up in camouflage?  If you judged her by her Facebook and Instagram photos you would think she has a picture perfect life.  Reality is she couldn’t be bothered to actually visit her brother once in the last ten plus years (I’ll give her a break and stop counting once he began his incestuous affair with the whore).  In 21 years of us being together she visited 6 times- 4 of those times were for something other than just coming to see us.  She made a huge deal about CF being at her wedding and then spent probably less than 30 minutes with him the entire weekend; in fact, he’s not in a single wedding picture and if he’s to be believed (which is debatable) he wasn’t in any of the pictures because she sent him on a liquor run before the wedding and he almost missed her getting married. $500 for a plane ticket.  $500 for one stupid weekend and she sends him out to get more liquor and he almost misses the ceremony.  Nice.

Similarly, she’ll tell you how much she loves and misses her niece and nephew and it just tears her up inside to think she’ll never get to see them again but does she do anything to foster a relationship with them?  That would be a big fat no.  Aside from telling my daughter how pretty she is (before my daughter blocked her on all social media) and how she takes after Aunt Jezebel she does nothing.  They both have cell phones and email addresses.  Does she reach out to them?  No, not even a text and definitely not a phone call.  Has she ever offered to fly them out to her for a visit?  No.  Even offered to come and drive them back with her?  Again, no.  We already know that visiting them is not something she does because she hadn’t visited our home since my son was a baby and he’s now 13. No, she expected ME to bring them to HER and then after stabbing me in the back repeatedly she whines that I’m somehow keeping the kids from her.  Her relationship with her dear niece and nephew was always about convenience.   To be fair, she would always make the time to see them once or twice whenever I would bring the kids to them; however, she never went out of her way to have a relationship with either one of them.

She’s also the one who begged him to leave me.  Yet, despite my apparent mistreatment of him, when he voluntarily committed himself, due in part to her talking him into it, she did not once come visit him.  No, she left that up to me- the evil wife.  Then again, she had just spent two weeks with her new father-in-law who was hospitalized.  Of course, he lives in a state she likes to visit and they always have lots of fun things planned for her.  Lots of Facebook and Instagram picture opportunities to show off her wonderful new life!  Plus, her new husband’s family hasn’t caught on to her yet so they still think she’s fabulous.

If you look closely enough you’ll soon realize that everything she puts out for the world to see is about how much she is loved, what wonderful things other people are doing for her, what delightful goodies have been purchased for her.  My mom pointed this out to me once.  She said:  I see an awful lot about what her new husband is doing for her, but I never see anything about what she’s done for him.  ’Tis true.  There is an awful lot about how this person did this for her and this person did that. To be fair though she did post about surprising her new fiancé with a helicopter tour for his birthday.  That this came right after the delivery of our $5 Christmas gifts, along with the explanation that she’s a poor, struggling single mom, was simple misfortune.

Oh, but this is all about what a freak show they are, right?  How’s this- Jezebel loves to sing.  She is a Christian singer.  Of course.  Years ago she didn’t just sing in church. She used to sing at weddings, at other churches, and in a group; she even recorded several albums/CDs.  At one point, probably when she was starting out, she had a high school student who would play piano for her when she went off to sing.  This kid had a crush on her.  He ended up asking her to prom and she accepted.  What’s so strange about that?  Well, for starters she was married.  There was also the fact that she was in her 20s.  I’m surprised she didn’t try to get her name put in for Prom Queen.  I know when I was 22 and freshly graduated from college my biggest wish in life was to go to prom with a high school senior.  Wasn’t it yours?  The only thing that could possibly make it any dreamier would be if my husband helped me to pick out my prom dress and then sat alone at home, lovingly waiting for my return.  From my date.  To the prom.  With a teenage boy.  Who is not my husband.  Just an FYI in case anyone wants to get all technical and legal here:  I do not know if her husband did indeed help her pick out her prom dress.  I don’t even know if he was sitting at home waiting for her to return.  Hell, come to think of it I’m not even sure why he allowed it!  I’m not one for asking permission to do things, even from my husband; however, I think putting your foot down and sternly telling your wife that you do not approve of her going out on a date, even if it is to prom and is undoubtedly the teenage boy’s biggest night of his life what with scoring a date with another man’s wife and all, is acceptable in this case.  I can definitely get behind someone drawing a line in the sand for that one.  The funny thing is when this story was recounted by my MIL to my mom she was the one to say, “WTF?”  She asked my MIL point blank, “Wasn’t she embarrassed to be going to prom with a teenager at her age?”  My MIL looked at her and was suddenly all, “Yes.  Yes, she was.”  No, no she wasn’t.  She was in her glory.  I’m sure all attention was on her, just the way she likes it.

Later in life when she was the lead Praise & Worship singer she ended up beginning an affair with the pastor.  Once upon a time she swore it was only an emotional affair.  Who knows if that is true.  What I do know, according to STBX-MIL, is that they opened a freaking bank account together!  He took up a collection *at church* to help pay for her divorce.  He bought her a washing machine and dryer.  He went to a couple that had left the church when this came to light and he denied the affair, told them it was wrong to judge her, and ultimately ended up guilting them into coming back to the church.  They felt so guilty they apologized for believing the rumors and judging her, and actually gave her money for her vacation!  She, of course, took it and then spent her vacation communicating with the good pastor.  They didn’t have Facebook or Skype back then and texting wasn’t common, but they communicated through whatever means were popular at the time.   She herself preferred bringing up the rumor and then denying it.  It was a sweet little gig.  She would say:  I know you’ve probably heard I’m boning our pastor but I want you to know it’s not true!  She was also very offended at the idea that she should step down as one of the youth group leaders- something she did with her betrayed husband.

Here’s something interesting.  Jezebel believed people who gossiped about this were jealous of her because she had the courage to leave her husband and find someone who made her happy.  As she told me once, “I’d rather have 20 great years with Husband #2, than 50 so so years with Original Husband.”  Oh, did I mention he was 20 years older than her?  That’s why she was only giving their marriage 20 years.  He was the same age as her mother.  I remember hearing her friends gush about how they had never seen her happier, and at the wedding they talked about their champagne flutes that were engraved “MVBF”- My Very Best Friend.  Isn’t that so romantic?  True love, folks.  Who cares if you have to step over a few people to achieve your bliss?  She broke the heart of her husband of 13 years.  She also had two young children at the time and wasn’t afraid to throw their lives into turmoil.  He threw away a 20 or 25 year marriage and a rather large church.  Membership was somewhere between 800 and 1000 people.  It was thriving.  The church membership paid all of his bills- mortgage, cell phone, utilities, car, insurance. In addition to all that he received an actual salary.  They sent him and his wife away on vacation every year.  They were building an addition on to their church.  I’m sure Jezebel thought she was going to waltz right in and simply take over where the former wife left off.  Didn’t work out that way, though.  People are funny like that sometimes.  They don’t appreciate their pastor getting it on with the praise and worship leader while telling them trick-or-treating on Halloween and watching Disney movies with magic in them is a sin.   He ended up losing it all, which meant Jezebel didn’t walk into the life of luxury she thought this man could provide for her.  Their bills were not all paid by the church; they weren’t being sent away on vacation every year.  They didn’t receive gifts and accolades from all the adoring members of the congregation.  For years they struggled financially, even losing their house.  Finally, a few years before the end, he got a great paying job.  Unfortunately, it took him on the road a lot and that meant he could no longer iron her clothes or cut up her food for her or spend hours a day gazing at her and telling her how beautiful and wonderful she was.  He didn’t feel like running around all weekend long after being gone all week, and he was no longer entertaining her and making life fun every moment.  In short, she just wasn’t happy.

Approximately ten years after the wedding Jezebel begins an affair with another man.  Hey- at least this time her affair partner wasn’t married!  Give her a little credit.  She carries on this affair for almost a year before asking for a divorce.  I got to sit and listen to her talk for hours about how she wasn’t cheating on her husband but he was so jealous and had accused her of infidelity and would check up on her, how she didn’t think she’d ever get married again; she was so excited to be living on her own because she’d never done that before.  Turns out the night before when she and my husband went out to dinner alone (yes, I was excluded so they could have their precious brother/sister time) they met up with her new husband-to-be so she could introduce them.  Yes, she was offended because her husband was jealous and suspicious.  It’s kind of like the cashier who’s stealing from the register being butt hurt because you installed surveillance cameras above the register.  How dare you accuse me of stealing?!?!

What’s that you say, Sam?  You were left at home with the mother-in-law and kids while your husband and his sister went out to dinner together for some special “brother/sister bonding”?  Why, yes, I was!  Seems that approximately a year prior to this Jezebel was telling her brother all about her affair, swearing him to secrecy.  After all, if your brother is telling you what a disaster his marriage is the best thing you can do is ask him to keep secrets from his wife while you tell him all about your affair with this new man. The affair and new man that are both making you so happy and gosh darn it, you deserve some happiness.  They went out to dinner, supposedly just the two of them, to talk about all sorts of things that were on poor Jezebel’s mind.  Turns out she wanted his opinion on Farmer John.  Somehow this was supposed to make me feel better.  “Oh, she wasn’t excluding you; she just wanted my opinion on what type of guy he was and if he was playing her,” he explained later when this finally came to light.  What type of guy he is?  He’s the type of guy that will fuck another man’s wife!  That’s what kind of guy he is!  But, you know, since Jezebel is perfectly willing to fuck another guy while she’s married to her first affair partner, that probably isn’t something she cares about!  That probably should have been a big clue for me- when your husband says the guy that is cheating with his sister seems like a decent guy.  No, he’s really not.  If you’re willing to fuck another man’s wife you have a serious character flaw.  I also loved how he couldn’t possibly give an honest opinion on what this guy was like if *I* was around.  Seriously?  Are you going to be so distracted by my fabulous rack that you can’t possibly assess his character deficiencies?  Is my beauty so stunning that it will block any telepathic messages you might receive about this guy?  Am I simply so mesmerizing that you can’t have a simple conversation with the guy and give an honest assessment of him to your cheating sister if I’m there?  Or, do you know this is all wrong and I’m the only person in your life with a moral compass?  Oh, I think we’ve got a winner!

But the best part was hearing how she was crazy about this man.  He was everything she wanted and she loved her new life- the hunting, the farm life, the four wheeling, the two new kids.  He was her best friend and the love of her life; he was spectacular and did everything he could to make her happy.  Look- he built me a fire pit!  Look- he bought me a car!  Look at my stupid wedding in a fucking barn because I’m just a simple country girl!  Her friends once again gushed about how happy she looked and how they had never seen her happier.  Eerie, isn’t it?  Almost the exact same story word for word as when she was leaving the original husband for Husband #2.  Including the part where she told Husband #2:  I know you think I’m having an affair but I’m not!

In a sad twist of irony The Original Husband died.  Personally, from the things Jezebel said when she was lying to me about her impending divorce from Husband #2, I believe she was already involved with Husband #3 and The Original Husband’s death allowed her to get out of her marriage to Husband #2. I think she didn’t want him to know she had made a mistake and didn’t want him to witness her second divorce. That might be humiliating.  It also gave her a great excuse to distance herself from Husband #2 because he didn’t understand her grieving.  Yes, if you weren’t aware of what had happened you would think Jezebel was the grieving widow. She was at the funeral home, in the receiving line even, I believe, the entire time. Someone told me she insisted on sitting up front with the family during his funeral. And I know for a fact that she had the audacity to yell at his actual widow because Jezebel didn’t think she was showing enough emotion. How’s that for lady balls? You cheat on your husband, leave him for your pastor  (who acted as a marriage counselor for the two of you!), and when he dies you take over the role of the widow and reprimand his wife for not loving him enough! Oy. And vey!

And in case you’re wondering about the pastor he was wise to his cheating wife’s ways.  I think he could see the writing on the wall. Afterall, he had been the other man when she was cheating on her first husband. He was remarried within a month or two after their divorce.  Jezebel was pissed.  Come to think of it, her first husband also remarried before she did.  Of course, since she was marrying her married lover that divorce took a little longer so they weren’t able to get married as quickly as they had hoped.

The good news is I think this guy actually has money, or at least his family does.  She’s married for money twice before and the joke ended up being on her both times- she didn’t live the life of luxury she thought she was going to lead.  I think this time she actually got it right.  If not, she’ll be changing from Rambo Barbie into someone else in about 6-8 years.  Her marriages usually last somewhere between 10-13 years.  Good luck, Farmer John!