Sometimes the Prize Is No Prize

September 2014

All this talk lately of girlfriends, anniversaries, taking responsibility for your part in your spouse’s affair, rebuilding, punishing has got me thinking. If I don’t want to celebrate our anniversary and I don’t want to be around his family and I resent having to text him like his whore, and I hate the fact that good changes have come about out of bad does that mean I’m still punishing him? I don’t think it does. I think it means my eyes are open. I used to believe he would never cheat. His friend actually told me he would never cheat. But he did. He was unhappy and he found someone else, someone he believed made him happy, someone he thought he loved, someone he wanted to marry. And now I’m left knowing my husband is capable of cheating on me if he’s unhappy. I get to live the rest of my life knowing that I have to be on constantly. If I don’t fuck him enough, don’t suck his dick often enough he’ll cheat. If I don’t spend enough time with him, text him enough, talk to him enough, he’ll cheat. Maybe next time it will be physical. Maybe she’ll live closer. I pray I don’t get in an accident and become disabled. I pray I don’t contract an illness which would require him to care for me. In either of those situations I would no longer be able to fuck him and he’d cheat. And he’d have his sister in his ear telling him that if it made him happy that’s all that matters. What a prize I have “won”!

Yeah, I know this makes me sound bitter and unforgiving but fuck you! I don’t give a shit.

Owning Your Part In Your Partner’s Affair (Yeah, Right!)

 

September 2014

I don’t know why I continue to read blogs by betrayed spouses. I suppose I want to see the end of their stories, see them heal and get on with their lives. I really don’t know why I continue to read this “repentant” cheating husband’s blog. Depressing. Narcissistic. Blowhard. Self – righteous, sanctimonious, sonofabitch. He really is. Everything he writes is geared towards the cheating spouse, making it easier on them. He is absolutely convinced that most affairs begin because the betrayed spouse isn’t meeting the cheating spouse’s needs. They’re unhappy in their marriage so they reach out to someone new. I’m not sure how exactly that works. Poor baby is unhappy so he fucks a whore. He’s a victim and needs love and understanding, and what are you going to do to fix this for him? Meanwhile, I would be willing to bet his wife was no happier but she didn’t go fuck a whore. And somehow she’s the bad person? She’s the one that needs to figure out how to please her husband and make him not cheat?

Listen, asshole, I immediately took responsibility for my actions, or lack thereof which made the whore look appealing to my husband. I didn’t realize at the time how serious it was, or later, how I was being played and humiliated. But, I took responsibility. We didn’t spend enough time talking. There wasn’t enough sex. We were glorified roommates. I later learned he felt like he was only a paycheck and a handyman. I got all that and I owned it and vowed to make it better. But it didn’t happen in a vacuum. He pushed me away. I could never do enough. I remember telling a therapist once, he bitches about the house being a mess so I clean the house. Then he complains about the laundry so I catch up on the laundry. Then he complains about me not making dinner so I make dinner. Then he complains about the kids’ behavior so I work on that. Then he complains about the lack of sex. It’s never ending. I can never do everything he wants me to do. I can never be perfect.

He didn’t want to join us. He didn’t want to partner up with me to raise our kids. We weren’t a team. He didn’t want me in our bed. He just wanted sex. Feed me, clean my clothes, take care of me, and fuck me. And finally I had just had enough. I stopped giving a shit. That is true. He might have been unhappy but I was unhappy, too. The big difference between us? I didn’t run out and find some guy to stroke my ego and tell me how beautiful and sexy I was. I didn’t spend my days sexting with another man and making plans for our future. I wasn’t sending another man naked pictures, or telling family members how I loved him, or making plans to tattoo my love for him on my body. So yeah, I win. I may be responsible for the fact there was a void, but I am not responsible at all for how he chose to fill that void. Suck on that!

Present Day Sam Says: I’m over the whole “owning your part” for your partner’s affair. I’ve pretty much decided that if someone cheats they don’t get to hand a list of self improvement tasks off to anyone. If you discover your spouse cheating and they tell you what all you need to do to keep them from cheating on you again find yourself a pit bull attorney and file for divorce; you’re married to an entitled asshole. Tell that person you’ve got a few demands of your own and you’re planning on getting them legally enforced.

The Dream Job Starts To Become a Nightmare

September 2014

I can’t feel too sorry for him because he wanted this but I’m left once again just shaking my head at what is my life. I know he says he wanted this job to feel better about himself, to feel excited about work again. But, I also know they planned on him moving closer so they could be closer. Makes it much more convenient to meet up and fuck when you can lie and say you’re visiting your family when in reality you are driving to meet up with your whore. No airplane ticket needed. I digress.

He is disgruntled, dismayed, distraught. Feeling sorry for himself. I understand. His boss wants them running seven days a week. Zack is pissed.

So, to sum up, Zack is unhappy, I’m unhappy, our son is unhappy, and while our daughter seems to be very happy, we’ve wasted around $25,000 these last 3 years on gymnastics. I’m putting it all on my husband and his dear whore. I probably should hold him more responsible. Afterall, he just had to have this plant. But I figure with her sending him naked pictures and telling him how she’d suck his dick all the time once he was closer he was easily persuaded to let all the powers that be know he wanted it. Wow- his dream job and his dream whore, all tied up in a neat little bow. Only it’s not his dream job and he supposedly dumped his dream whore long before an offer was made. I would love to see her in this position- her Romeo a mess, her kids unhappy. I do wonder how she would handle it. Not exactly what you were expecting and fantasizing about, huh, Harley? As I always like to remind you, you got all the good and never experienced any of the bad.

Present Day Sam Says: <<< Makes it much more convenient to meet up and fuck when you can lie and say you’re visiting your family when in reality you are driving to meet up with your whore. No airplane ticket needed. >>> Did I nail it or what? That is exactly the excuse Cousinfucker used!

My brother tells me I was being a supportive wife, that I did whatever it took to make that jackass happy, so I shouldn’t blame myself. Yet… every time I look back I think to myself, “How could you have been so stupid?” I knew his original plan was to move us all closer to her. I knew he began making noise about taking over the Whoreville plant when he was involved with Harley. I was just so convinced that we were back on track and that he really had chosen me. I thought I had won the so-called pick me dance and that he rejected Harley. I was full of hubris and my children and I have paid a steep price for that.

A Post With No Title

August 2014

Two things I want to explore although I may only get through one of them tonight. It’s late and I’m tired.

Apologizing versus burying your head in the sand and only wanting to “focus on the future” and not letting the OW take up head space, courtesy of Shawn’s blog.

I’ve been reading a blog where the man cheated on his wife WITH HER BEST FRIEND for over 2 years. 28 months, I believe. This guy, from the sounds of it, thinks she should be over it, doesn’t tolerate her anger or sadness well, and wants to forget about the past and concentrate instead on the future. I get so frustrated reading about that but if I think back that’s pretty much been Zack’s mantra. We never did talk after I found his message between him and his nephew. Well, I should say we talked a little bit, but not much. It’s all been swept under the rug. Sure, he says he loves me and that she was a huge mistake but I sometimes feel as though we’ve never really got to the heart of the matter. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to take Shawn’s advice to forget about the OW and concentrate on your own marriage. There hasn’t been a final resolution. It’s been: Oops, I made a mistake. I lied and cheated all summer long, spent my days and weekends texting another woman and telling her I loved her and wanted to marry her, had her send me naked pictures but now? Now I realize you are the love of my life and I can’t get enough of you and she was nothing more than a mid-life crisis. All better. Let’s renew our vows!

I keep feeling like there should be more to this, more to repairing the damage. Sure, he answered my questions that first week. He answered some more questions on two different occasions. He seemed genuinely shocked that I was so upset over finding his FB messages that detailed his brilliant plan to dump me and marry her, thinking he had covered that with his vague “we talked about a future together”. That was when he finally admitted it was serious pretty much from the very beginning. And I suppose his reasons were pretty damn simple. He felt like our marriage was over; like there was nothing left. He thought I didn’t care. He wanted love, attention, and affection and he got all that, at least superficially, with her. Easy peasy. And yet I continue to feel like we haven’t done the hard work; we’re just burying our heads in the sand and focusing on the future. Here’s the thing though. Those that don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

Part Two coming tomorrow. Or sometime.

Additional Blasts From the Past, January-March

I’m sure I sound like a broken record but I continue to showcase these and go back and pick up ones I may have missed or figured weren’t important because I want to give everyone an accurate picture of what was being said by me. Afterall, he uses that as a basis for reigniting his affair with Harley. I didn’t love him. I was depressed. I was unhappy with him. We weren’t good for each other. So I put it all out there. I reexamine it and time after time I look back and think, “What was so awful?”
The reality is he couldn’t handle any dissension. He used it as an excuse to do whatever he damned well wanted to do. Unfortunately for him I’m still not afraid to put it all out there.

January 2014
At the ER with my daughter. Another migraine. Last time we were here (first time we ever brought her in) he was involved with the whore, keeping her apprised of the situation. He swears he didn’t text her while we were at the hospital, but he did let her know what was going on.

And can I just say that still pisses me off? She didn’t have any business knowing anything that was going on with my kid. None.

Present Day Sam Says: Isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard? Letting your semen demon know how your child is doing. Hey, at least he allegedly laid off the texting while he was actually at the hospital with said child.

January 2014
Gyms, gyms, gyms. Let’s talk about gyms. I’m afraid that in a few months we’re going to destroy my daughter’s world and end her gymnastics dreams. She wants to get to Level 10. She wants to compete in college. Where we are going there are not a lot of club gymnastics. I think she’ll have three to pick from, all approximately an hour away. There are two in Whore Town and can I just say how happy it’s going to make me driving to a town with the same name as the town in which the whore lives? Five days a week, if my daughter continues. I’ve seen it asked, “If your child needed you to run into a burning building to rescue her, would you? Well, she doesn’t need you to run into a burning building; she needs you to do THIS particular thing.” So if that’s the gym she picks, if she continues to work towards her dream, then I will grit my teeth and I will drive to the town that shares its name with the whore’s residence. Because that’s what my daughter needs.

Present Day Sam Says: Well, it happened. We did destroy her world and end her gymnastics dreams. She did Excel for a year but didn’t particularly enjoy it. It was a much lower competitive level for her and she lost skills she had worked hard to get. She did end up loving high school gymnastics; unfortunately, Cousinfucker stole that, along with a team captain spot, from her, as well.
I wish I had known back in February that that was the last time I would watch my daughter compete. There were times I had such severe butterflies in my stomach that I thought I would throw up, but I loved watching her do what she did. I was so proud of her and all that she could do. Now that is over. For what? So that her dad can fuck his cousin and be happy.

February 2014
The official offer came in. We’re moving this summer. Hooray! Now I can be so much closer to his whore and I get to drive to Whore Town 4-5 times a week. And see signs for Not Whore Town, also, which happens to be a major road the whore drives on. Oh, I’m just ecstatic! And bonus time- I’ll also be closer to his family. Bring on the drama! Can’t wait to hear him bitch about the fact that no one can bother to make the drive to see him but they can drive all over Hell for something they want, like watermelon, or bacon, or a damn plate of bbq.
No one is excited about the move except him. He thinks this will be a fantastic opportunity and he’ll be so much happier. He’d better be. If I have to put up with more anxiety and mood swings while simultaneously dealing with my kids’ heartbreak I may just leave him! I keep telling myself it won’t be bad; things will work out. And if he really is still seeing the whore behind my back there will not be a corner in this world far enough away to escape my wrath.

Present Day Sam Says: Six weeks. It took him six weeks to start whining and complaining about his job once we got there.

February 2014
Another post about differences. I find it funny my husband told me, upon being confronted about his affair with her, “We have a lot in common. We really really like each other.” Oh well that makes all the difference in the world then! Seriously, I told him then and I know it even today it was a fantasy. He didn’t even know her. He still gives me crap for voting for Bill Clinton- twice! She voted for Obama twice and is hoping Hillary Clinton is our next president. She doesn’t like most of what he likes. He’s a big Duck Dynasty fan; she despises them. According to him she doesn’t watch tv, although with her ankle being broken she’s certainly watched her fill. Doesn’t like going to the movies. I think the only thing they had in common was their favorite basketball team and their hometown roots. Eventually the stories would have run out, and then what? I suppose reality would have set in. And that would have been really fun to watch.
Present Day Sam Says: I wonder how those hometown stories are going for them. I wonder if she’s dutifully sitting by his side, watching all his stupid television shows with him. Nah, they’re both probably too busy drinking and blowing through what’s left of the money.

February 2014
I’m not proud of this but sometimes I get great relief by making fun of the whore. I watched her Facebook movie and my God, she looks hideous in so many of her earlier pictures. What on earth was my husband thinking when he messed around with that ugly skank ass bitch?

Present Day Sam Says: Again, it’s not what they look like. It’s all about how they make them feel.

February 2014

Still in a crappy mood. Still not happy about this stupid move. Still not happy my husband got passed over for a promotion so they could move him 2000 miles away for yet another lateral position. Still not happy about leaving my friends.

Present Day Sam Says: Yes, I know. This entry is awful. How dare I have feelings about being forced to give up my life and my friends for my husband’s happiness? If only I could have been ecstatic about the move, I might have had a shot at preserving my marriage.

February 2014
So… This was supposed to be my entry today. My evolution from bitch to not quite such a bitch. At one point I had all of my in-laws blocked on my daughter’s page. With Jezebel it was the day I found out she knew about Zack’s affair with Harley and that her advice had been: You should do what makes you happy. You deserve to be happy. I’d block. I’d unblock. I thought I had her blocked on Instagram, too, but I didn’t. I blocked my father-in-law after my MIL used his page to tell the whore she was so……………… pretty. Yeah, no more of that shit. Then she got her own page and sent a friend request to me and my daughter. I deleted her as a friend on my daughter’s once I saw she was also friends with the whore. I’m not sure what caused me to block everybody again. Probably the sausage balls. But, I’m over it. My brother’s wife is a bitch from Hell, cloaked in Christian clothing, and she has unfriended his two kids so they can’t see pictures of his youngest. She has everyone in our family on restricted access so we can’t see or share the pictures either. Since I think she’s being ridiculous and vindictive I decided to loosen the reins. Everyone is unblocked. If she wishes to friend them again she can. I’m even willing to let Zack take them to his home state with him. However, I still don’t trust them. I still have no doubt they wouldn’t turn around and leave if they saw Harley out somewhere. Still absolutely, 100% sure they would hug and kiss on her and introduce my child to her without a second thought. And here’s where it gets interesting. If they EVER introduce that fucking whore to my kids I will tell them everything. I will tell them that she was their father’s whore, that she sent naked pictures to him all summer, sent inappropriate text messages to him all summer, told him she loved him. I will tell them how their father thought he was in love with her and told their cousin he was going to marry her. I will tell them they were planning a life together and that the two of them were more than willing to rip their lives apart so they could be together. And furthermore EVERYONE you know and love here in his home state knows she was his whore and they are all fine with it. Your aunt knew while he was fooling around with her and encouraged and supported it. Your grandparents knew after the fact and yet they’re both ok with it and think she’s wonderful. In fact, they would rather have a relationship with her than with your mother.
Some may say you shouldn’t involve your kids in things like this. I say don’t introduce my children to their father’s whore or there will be Hell to pay.

February 2014
I just realized while writing the novel below that not only is August 14th D-Day, it’s also the day he broke off their engagement. If he really did. I find it helps to take everything with a grain of salt. Followed by tequila and a lime. Ha ha ha. Honestly, if they were discussing marriage and he was telling God only knows who all that he was going to marry the whore, then they were engaged, unofficially perhaps. I guess the whore will let me know if they picked out a ring for her, or better yet, if he bought her one. So, if and when he ended it, he ended their engagement also. Great work, honey. Married to one woman, engaged to another. And to think, I didn’t even know we were seeing other people!

February 2014
I’m in a good place so I probably shouldn’t write but oh well. One of the things that bugs me about their relationship is how fast it advanced and how serious it always was. We got engaged 6 days after we met. People always say, Wow, and think that’s really cool. We were both single. We had no children. Look at us- engaged after only six days, married 7 months later. I don’t know how long it took before they were declaring their love for one another and planning their wedding but I do know that by May 9th he was telling someone else he was going to marry her. That was, at the most, 15 days after they started their affair. Less than 15 days to toss aside your wife, decide to divorce her so you can marry another, leave your kids behind and completely destroy their lives. 15 days. And that’s the maximum time. That’s counting from the day he told her she looked fantastic, and he swears they weren’t involved yet at that point. I believe it probably happened in less than a week. So, it probably took him less time to decide to disentangle himself from his marriage and his family in order to marry the fucking whore, than to marry me when neither of us had baggage. Nice!

March 2014
I see she’s still living in a fantasy world where soul mates exist and, I’m sure, some love is just meant to be. Barf.
Elephant Love: Loneliness, Dating & Relationships
“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

March 2014

Another thing to keep in mind.
Many times the lovers bond over the unhappiness in their marriage, and this bond is often perceived as true intimacy and love. However, it is perhaps the only aspect that is holding their relationship together. Beyond that, there is nothing.
I have a theory that unconsciously both lovers know that the common bond of their unhappy marriages is the component that keeps the relationship alive. I believe the drama associated with the affair and the faltering marriage helps to strengthen this bond, and both lovers try to keep that part going in order to keep the affair strong.
Think about it. They are experiencing a small fraction of their life with this person. They are not sharing a family, friends, a household, commitment, or real life experiences. So what is really holding them together except for the bond that their marriages are bad and they feel they deserve better?
Present Day Sam Says: I know! How horrible of me to point out that their “love” was based upon a fallacy.

In all seriousness though, I think this is spot on. Affairs are so much about secrets and an us against the world mentality. The cheater and the whore triangulate with the betrayed spouse (or spouses). Once that is gone the relationship tends to suffer. I like what many others have said: Even when it appears to the outside world that everything is dandy they are miserable with one another. They have to continue to put on a good act because otherwise they threw away a marriage, or marriages, and families, for some dumb affair that didn’t mean anything instead of being a part of the love affair of the century.

March 2014

A small confession. Whenever I’m on Facebook as myself I can’t see anything Harley says or likes, but I can tell when she has liked something or commented. She commented on her cousin’s dinner the other day. Now, it helped that the other person said, “Thanks, Harley!” She was replying to each person personally by name so I decided to comment as well, and mention visiting. Sure enough, she thanked me by name and commented on us visiting and her cooking. Ha! Take that, bitch! I hope she enjoyed seeing my name on her newsfeed. I know I so enjoy seeing her all over my in-laws pages.

March 2014
I’m trying to keep this in mind:
#18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
This ^^^ is so much easier said than done. I’ve anyways been one of those people who said if holding a grudge is exhausting you’re not doing it right. I’ve had no problem with putting people (not many; I’m a nice person) on my “I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire” list and forgetting all about them until someone reminds me of them. I think in 45 years somewhere between 4 and 8 people have made that list. Currently, while I’m not crazy about one of those people I probably would piss on her. While I rolled my eyes. Another one is completely off that list because she’s not in my life and has no effect on me (I shall call her Nurse Ratchett because honestly, I don’t even remember her name at this point). Honestly, I’m not sure you could consider her to have really been on the list. I think I was just mad and spouting off. Regardless, she wasn’t on the list long. Two people I’m debating even putting on the list; I think I’m just more over their behavior (I’m not sure who these 2 people are. Jezebel is probably 1 of them.). My current neighbors are iffy. I don’t wish to have anything to do with them but I’m not sure I’m still at the “watch them burn” stage. That leaves Pip and Harley. Pip has been on the list since 2000. Doesn’t hurt me in the least to still hate him. I sincerely doubt Harley will ever make it off the list and I figure if I’m not actively trying to take the bitch out I’m doing my part. I don’t even have my in-laws on that list. I figure they’re not worth the time and effort. You have to really fuck up to get on that list.
I do like the part, though, about forgiveness meaning you won’t let the other person take away your happiness. But then again I think that goes along with knowing the proper way to hold a grudge. I can be perfectly happy and take great delight in what is happening in my life and STILL hate her. The only problem comes when you can’t move on because you’re so wrapped up in the other person, their life, and seeking revenge. No, I’m not actively plotting to ruin her life, but I won’t shed a tear when bad things happen to her. If you asked her I would be willing to bet she doesn’t rejoice in my happiness either, and any hardships I may suffer aren’t met with sympathy.
So, I’ll give life rule #18 some more thought, but in the end I think it was written by somebody who just doesn’t understand how grudges work. I’m fine with not forgiving Harley for sending my husband naked pictures, promising him sexual favors, and planning a future with him- all while knowing full well he was married. And I’m still happy. I’m fairly certain I could watch her burn to death and not shed a tear. Maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch. Or maybe all this focus on forgiveness is just a bunch of bullshit used to make others feel better about themselves.

I Am So Evil

Blast From the Past 31

April 2014

This is the month that it all began. I’m watching out for triggers but I feel good. Life is good. The whore is inconsequential. We’ll see how I’m doing later this month. And of course, next month should be loads of fun.

Editor’s Note:  Isn’t this just the sort of thing you’d hate to see if you had cheated on your spouse?  Your spouse declaring that he or she feels good!  That life is good!  That the affair partner is inconsequential!  Those are just the sort of declarations that could send you right over the edge and back into your skankmaster’s arms, aren’t they?  Poor CF.  He had it so rough.  With vicious statements such as those it’s no wonder he ran back to Harley.

Dear Cheating Husband & Remorseless Whore

February 2014

One last snarky entry and then I’m done for today. I hope. Should I ever fall down on the job again and he decides he’s nothing more than a wallet and roommate to me I hope he remembers this. And then I hope he asks himself if the whore he’s messing around with would be willing to pack up all her shit, leave her friends behind, and completely disrupt her children’s lives, all so that he could be happy. Because, dammit, that’s what I’m doing right now. The next time he thinks Harley is some saint that completely understands him while I’m a nagging bitch who doesn’t appreciate him I hope he reflects on this. Because there is NO WAY that selfish bitch would make the sacrifices I have for him. This, you fucking whore, is what love is. It’s putting another person ahead of yourself. It’s packing up and moving all your shit 2000 miles because your husband says he’s miserable out here. It’s not sending naked pictures or telling him how much you want to fuck him or suck his dick. It’s sacrificing. It’s doing things you don’t want to do because your partner is miserable and you realize you can’t be happy if he’s unhappy. It’s not sneaking around behind your spouse’s back or making misty-eyed plans for the future. It’s not the newness of a forbidden romance. It’s this. It’s all this painful stuff that you don’t want to do but know you’re going to have to. It’s standing beside him even when it’s killing you to leave everything behind. What the two of you called love was nothing more than fantasy. It was a joke. You were never tested. You never had to sacrifice. You never had to deal with anxious, depressed Zack. You dealt with happy, jovial Zack who was getting all his needs met, at least online. You could tell him whatever you wanted to because at the end of the day you didn’t have to do a damn thing! And if you didn’t want to talk to him all you had to do was lie and say you had a patient to deal with. I’m living in the real world, honey. The one where clothes need to be taken to the dry cleaners and dinner needs to be cooked and socks need to be picked up off the floor and kids need to get to their various activities. And if I text sweet nothings to him all day long I’d better come through or I’m going to be accused of teasing. So that’s where we are. Harley, you don’t have what it takes to remain married to him. And Zack, you’d better realize what an absolute sacrifice I’m making for you. I’m perfectly happy here and so are our kids. If we move and you take up with that whore again I will hunt you down and make you sorry you ever met me. Believe me, you’ll have plenty of time to flirt with her since I will be gone so much, tending to your daughter. And she’s only a short six hour drive away. But I promise you will regret it with everything you have if you fuck me over again. THE END

 

A Conversation With Rock Star

“Mom, do YOU think he’s crazy?”

I pause, giving great thought to this question my daughter has just asked.  She has already freely said she believes her dad is legitimately crazy.  She’s not a psychiatrist though so I’m not sure how much stock to put into her diagnosis.  After weighing my words carefully I give her my answer.

“No, I don’t think he’s crazy.  I think he’s living in a fantasy world.  I don’t know for certain where he’s working but I do know his big dream was to work side by side with his best friend.  He once told me he should have taken the job at Best Friend’s plant when Best Friend tried to get him to come work with him and that was one of his biggest regrets.  If I had to bet I would place money on the fact that Best Friend managed to get him a job at his company and they are now working together.  So he thinks he has his dream job and he thinks he has his dream woman.”

She turns up her nose at that comment.  I can’t say that I blame her.  But he does. I don’t tell her this part but he thinks that Harley and her performance are the real thing.  She loves him for who he is and she would never be with him for the money.  Oh no!  That was the evil, awful Sam who stuck around for the money.  Harley is going to be the perfect mate.  She’ll text him every time she takes a shit and let him know all about it.  She’ll tell him how handsome he is and coo over every little thing he does.  Best of all, every weekend it’s nonstop sex!

Here’s the thing.  I’m sure that for a period of time, maybe even a decent period of time, this will play out just fine.  He will live far enough away from her that he can’t live with her, thereby giving him four days to decompress and do whatever he wants.  Then for 3 days (2 1/2 if we want to be technical) he puts on his Dad of the Year/Companion of the Year mask and is all smiles and grand gestures.  When things start to bother him it’s time to return back to his home where he can chill in front of the television, drink some wine, and not have to deal with anyone.  He doesn’t have to help her get kids to activities.  He doesn’t have to help with homework.  He doesn’t have any of the daily grind you have when you actually live with someone day after day.  But eventually the newness will wear off.  It’s also quite possible that he will find out sooner, rather than later, that the love of his life is cheating on him.  Ouch! Again, not things I say out loud to her.

I do go on to tell her that I think eventually his perfect fantasy life is going to implode.  His best friend has switched companies quite a few times and I don’t see them staying at the same company, together, for another fifteen to twenty years.  I also don’t see Cousinfucker taking it too well when and if Best Friend becomes his boss.  I also don’t see Best Friend taking it too well if the situation was reversed.  I think they have this vision of what life is going to be like, them working together, and I don’t think reality is going to play out anywhere close to this dream of theirs.  They are two alpha males and I see them either clashing with one another, or them trying to take down their boss, which probably won’t go over well with him.  Even if my theory that he’s working with Best Friend is incorrect and he’s actually working somewhere completely different the same rules apply.  He will love it at first and then when he doesn’t get to dictate every single thing he’s going to begin pouting and decide he hates it.  Only now he’s stuck.

What I say to her in summation is that once the newness of his relationship wears off and he realizes what kind of a person Harley is, and once he realizes that working with Best Friend isn’t the dream he believes it will be, I think he is going to look back at everything he has given up- his wife of over 20 years, his two kids, a job that he’s held for more than 15 years, and he’s going to realize how severely he has screwed himself.

At this point in my “journey” I’m not sure if I’d rather see that day arrive and smirk knowingly, gleeful at his misery, or if I would prefer to truly not give a damn and just be able to shake my head and say, “Sucks to be you.”  Only time will tell, I suppose.

A Letter to My Kids

Hey Kids,

The time has come for you to find out that your mom is not all powerful.  That I am, in fact, human and I make mistakes.  So I want to apologize to both of you.

I’m sorry I picked such a wretched excuse for a human being to be your father.  He has failed you in ways I couldn’t even begin to imagine.  For years I listened to him whine on and on about his father and how he was rejected by him.  But you know what?  He always financially supported him and that’s more than I can say for your own dad.

I’m sorry I chose to be a stay at home mom instead of working a job so that when this time came I could support you without his help.  Don’t get me wrong.  I loved being at home with the two of you.  I loved being the one to take you places and plan school parties and volunteer at your schools.  I loved going on field trips and being here at home at the end of day.  I loved being able to watch you at all of your meets and games, being the one to drop you off and pick you up, being able to travel with you.  I truly did.  In hindsight, though, I never should have done it.  I should have worked.  I should have told your dad that his career wasn’t more important than my own job.  I should have followed my passion and done something with my life aside from being your mom.  I know that sounds like a shitty thing to say and I don’t mean it to be because, again, I loved being here for you.  I still do.  But I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place now.  I’m sinking fast and I’m taking both of you with me.

I’m sorry I didn’t stand up to him more and baby and cater to him less.  Maybe if that had been the case he would have left sooner and I would have more options.  Maybe it would have helped and he never would have done any of this.

I’m sorry I can’t keep you here through graduation, Rock Star.  I cry every time I think about it even though everyone tells me you’re going to be fine.  I’m going to end gymnastics for you forever.  I’m going to take away you being captain for your team.  I know high school gymnastics was not what you wanted and won’t take you to college but it was better than no gymnastics at all.  I’m taking you from a place where you are a very big fish in a pretty small pond and I’m going to turn you into a goldfish in the ocean, if goldfish could survive in salt water.  I feel like I’m ruining your high school experience and I am so so sorry for that, my sweet girl.  Once again, I listened to your dad whine for years about how he was constantly moved as a child and never attended the same school each year.  He never switched high schools though, a privilege he is denying you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do whatever it was that I needed to do to stay married and give you two a stable home, even if one of your parents wasn’t always sane or even around much.  If I knew what I did wrong, or what I didn’t do that he wanted me to do, I would have taken the appropriate action.  But I have no idea what it is I did or didn’t do that made your dad choose to have an affair.  Honestly, I know  that I can only be responsible for my own actions and he is responsible for his.  I am truly sorry, though, that I couldn’t make this marriage work.

Finally, I am so sorry I agreed to this move.  I am so sorry I tore your lives apart for this shit storm we are in now.  I’m sorry for the pool that we are probably never going to swim in even though we’ve spent a crapload of money on it.  I’m sorry about your friends and your sports and your schools.  I’m sorry about everything that you’ve had to lose and all that you’re still going to lose.  I’m sorry I don’t have a home of our own to move us to.  I’m sorry for all the dreams you have that aren’t going to come true because we have to leave.  I’m sorry for all the plans that you are making that aren’t going to happen.  I’m sorry we’re going to be poor and your lives are going to be turned so far around you aren’t even going to recognize them.  I’m sorry for everything.

Your uncle tells me every time I say that that it’s not me who is ruining your lives- it’s your dad.  I’m here, though, and he’s not.  So I’m the one who is apologizing.  I cannot apologize enough for what is going to become of your lives.  I would say I should have picked better but then I wouldn’t have you two.  At any rate, I failed you both, and for that I’m sorry.  I’ll do my very best to make it up to you somehow.  I promise.

Love,

Mom

Is My New Lawyer Psychic?

I saw another lawyer last week.  I liked her and I decided to switch.  I have many reasons for making the switch but key among them would be communication and the fact that I think my previous attorney botched my case.  Not an all out, Oh my God, I’m ruined, kinda botched.  But he definitely did not do me any favors or get me the best deal possible.

First interesting moment of the conversation with her was when she told me that everything in the court order is modifiable.  And there is a lot I’d like to see modified.  The funny part though is due to Cousinfucker quitting his job and leaving the state I now have a material change in circumstances.  Of course, I can be granted anything by the court but it doesn’t mean shit if he’s going to defy the court order or believes he’s untouchable because he’s out of state.  He probably thought he was going to screw me by getting everything excluded from his annual salary except his base pay and then turning around and getting a new job with a potentially higher base pay, even if the bonuses aren’t as good.  He thought he would screw me by promising half of his bonus check and to pay off the pool with that money and then leaving his job and doing neither of those two things.  Turns out the joke’s on him because with him taking this new job I can now go back and ask to have support re-evaluated.  And this time, when he has to throw in extra to cover marital debt my attorney is going to have that excluded from spousal support.  It will show up as a contribution to the marital debt, which it is, instead of as spousal support to me.  And as far as the bonus check is concerned I still have hope that he actually received it before leaving his company, but if he didn’t I would love to drag his ass before a judge and have him explain why he agreed to something only to turn around and voluntarily resign from his job no more than six weeks later.

The second moment was when the lawyer told me she was concerned for his mental well being.  She said there were a lot of red flags coming up for her and she was very concerned that he was going to have a complete mental breakdown, especially when Harley dumps him.  I explained that two years ago when he was confiding in Jezebel about his affair he told her that Harley made him happy and I remarked that according to Harley he is Daddy of the Year and she’s never been happier.  This is where it begins to get really interesting.

She looked at me and said, “Are you really going to take her word for it?  She’s a married woman with four kids having an affair with her cousin.  He’s a paycheck to her, a sugar daddy.”

Wow!  Here is a woman who has never met me, Cousinfucker or Harley and yet she has said the exact same thing that I have said, that family members have said.  I’ll admit that sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong and that she’s not the real love of his life.  I wonder if I say she’s just a gold digging whore to make myself feel better.  But here is a woman who has seen many, many divorces over the years.  She’s been doing this a long time.  And she has made the same observation.  In many ways it’s validation.  I continue to wrestle with the idea that this is not my fault.  Rationally I know it is not.  But in my insane moments (yes, I do have those!) I keep coming back to the old, “What if I didn’t do this?  What if I did that?  Maybe I should have done this.”  This lady put it all in perspective.  I am correct!  He’s a paycheck to Harley.  She’s a desperate, gold digging mother of four who has found a sugar daddy.  I’m hoping to help him run out of sugar quite soon.

The other thing she said that really resonated was I am the one that kept him grounded.  She had already told me how there were a lot of red flags for her when I told her my story.  She then mentioned that he has this nice little fantasy life going on and once things crumble she’s not sure he’s going to be able to keep it together.  She is very worried that he will end up having a complete breakdown and lose his job.  As she put it (and I’m going to paraphrase here):  When things come crashing down you’re not going to be there to help put them back together this time.  And I have a feeling you were that person- you kept it all going, even if he refuses to acknowledge it.  Again, I have to pump my fist and shout, “Yes!”

I was indeed that person.  I don’t think he has any idea how much bullshit I put up with in order to keep things going.  I took care of the house, the pets, the kids, him.  I cooked.  I cleaned.  I did his laundry.  The man never had to put away his own clothes for crying out loud!  I washed them, dried them, folded them, and put them away!  He never had to wash a dish.  He was the pampered king.  When he would freak out over something small and insignificant I was the one being the soothing voice of reason.  I was the one who would take charge, make the phone calls, get the job done, and interact with the people.  When he got sick I was the one taking care of him, calling the doctor’s office, taking him to the doctor’s or the ER, sitting with him, running interference for him.  In short, I was awesome.  He no longer has me around to do all of those things.  I can’t be certain but I have a definite feeling that Harley is not going to do those things either.  She’s in it for the money, the good times, the attention.  She is not going to be eager to deal with the real him and she’s certainly not going to be standing by him if he ever loses his job and spirals down into a heap of self pity.

So now in addition to being left after twenty plus years, abandoned in a new town that he insisted we move to, him deserting his two children, and him quitting his job and moving out of state I also get to wait for the inevitable breakdown.  I’ve gotta be honest here.  I’m kinda looking forward to it on the one hand.  On the other hand, he’s not going to be of any use to me in a psych ward, or as an alcoholic who can’t keep a job.  It’s a real quandary, I tell you.  I’d love to see him suffer (hey, I’m only human!) but I’m beginning to think that if he suffers the kids and I will suffer as well.  What to do…. What to do….