The Dream Job Starts To Become a Nightmare

September 2014

I can’t feel too sorry for him because he wanted this but I’m left once again just shaking my head at what is my life. I know he says he wanted this job to feel better about himself, to feel excited about work again. But, I also know they planned on him moving closer so they could be closer. Makes it much more convenient to meet up and fuck when you can lie and say you’re visiting your family when in reality you are driving to meet up with your whore. No airplane ticket needed. I digress.

He is disgruntled, dismayed, distraught. Feeling sorry for himself. I understand. His boss wants them running seven days a week. Zack is pissed.

So, to sum up, Zack is unhappy, I’m unhappy, our son is unhappy, and while our daughter seems to be very happy, we’ve wasted around $25,000 these last 3 years on gymnastics. I’m putting it all on my husband and his dear whore. I probably should hold him more responsible. Afterall, he just had to have this plant. But I figure with her sending him naked pictures and telling him how she’d suck his dick all the time once he was closer he was easily persuaded to let all the powers that be know he wanted it. Wow- his dream job and his dream whore, all tied up in a neat little bow. Only it’s not his dream job and he supposedly dumped his dream whore long before an offer was made. I would love to see her in this position- her Romeo a mess, her kids unhappy. I do wonder how she would handle it. Not exactly what you were expecting and fantasizing about, huh, Harley? As I always like to remind you, you got all the good and never experienced any of the bad.

Present Day Sam Says: <<< Makes it much more convenient to meet up and fuck when you can lie and say you’re visiting your family when in reality you are driving to meet up with your whore. No airplane ticket needed. >>> Did I nail it or what? That is exactly the excuse Cousinfucker used!

My brother tells me I was being a supportive wife, that I did whatever it took to make that jackass happy, so I shouldn’t blame myself. Yet… every time I look back I think to myself, “How could you have been so stupid?” I knew his original plan was to move us all closer to her. I knew he began making noise about taking over the Whoreville plant when he was involved with Harley. I was just so convinced that we were back on track and that he really had chosen me. I thought I had won the so-called pick me dance and that he rejected Harley. I was full of hubris and my children and I have paid a steep price for that.

Just Go!

As I said a while ago I have been expanding my horizons and reading other blogs, including cheater blogs. Why? I don’t know because they tend to infuriate me. All the same stupid excuses. All the same thinking.

I find myself constantly perplexed by their dilemma of whether or not to leave the spouse. It seems to me it would be a no-brainer. I mean, they talk about how the spouse (usually the wife, but sometimes the husband) doesn’t meet their needs, they’re not sexually compatible or never have sex period, they live like roommates, the spouse doesn’t understand them, blah blah blah. Of course, the mistress (or lover occasionally) always gets them. She’s always so hot, so wonderful, so sexy, so terrific in bed. He thinks about her constantly and she’s the love of his life, his soul mate, blah blah blah.

Yet these people continue to deliberate over whether or not to leave the spouse. What is the big decision here? They talk about their spouse like she is a burden while the whore they’re fucking is a goddess. The wife can do no right and the whore can do no wrong. So how is there even a decision left to make? Why not leave and go be with the perfect one?

Let me guess! You have kids. You have entangled finances. You have shared real estate holdings. You own a business together. He makes very good money, allowing you a very nice lifestyle you don’t want to give up. Divorce is just so hard!

Let me tell you something. I had been a stay at home mom for fifteen years, hadn’t had a full time job since April of ’98, had followed CF around the country for 19 years, putting my own career on the back burner, and was completely dependent on my husband. I was 46 years old, had no one lined up to take the husband’s place and honestly believed (and still believe) that divorcing him meant I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I had been living in a new state for only a year, had just bought a new house, new car, new furniture, and had just put a brand new $57,000 pool in our backyard. I had just switched phone companies and entered a new two year contract and had just renewed my license plates for three years. I still had no family close by and all of my friends were 2000 miles away because again, CF had just moved us across the country. I was looking at financial ruin, no support system and a life spent raising two kids on my own, so if I could file for divorce in spite of all of that you can certainly leave and go be with your soul mate.

You act like you are doing us some favor, deliberating over whether or not to stay or go. You are not. You are wasting our time; you are stealing years of our lives. You are taking free choice away from us and forcing us to live lies. We think we’re building a life with you and you’re busy trying to decide if you’re going to keep fucking Schmoopie/Studly Do Right on the side, or if you’re just going to leave us for the whore. We think we have a partner for life, someone with whom we will grow old, and you’re fantasizing about your perfect affair partner who never makes a wrong move while you catalog all of our faults.

One of the things that pisses me off the most about my situation is all the wasted years. I spent over twenty years with that waste of skin. Had he left ten years ago I might have had a chance to make something of my life. Hell, had he left when he was first confronted I might have had a chance! Now, I’m utterly and thoroughly fucked. I have no shot at a career. I have no shot at making any kind of a decent living. I will never come close to having what I had all those years. I wasted my youth on him. I wasted the best years of my life on him.

You want to write down a list of pros and cons for keeping your spouse versus leaving and going with the soul mate? Why bother? Your spouse will never be able to compete with the mirage that is the other person. That person doesn’t live with you. That person doesn’t see you when you’re sick. You’re never harping on her because she didn’t pick up your laundry from the dry cleaner’s, or on him because he didn’t mow the grass. Their only task is to fuck you. The whole relationship is secretive and sexy and the thrill of knowing you’re doing wrong adds to the excitement. You’re in a little cocoon where you don’t have to deal with any real life situations. No one is ever going to have to stop what they’re doing because a kid is calling for them. No, you’ve arranged it so that your cuckolded spouse (or daycare) is taking care of the kids while you run off and fuck your soul mate. Life is perfect with the soul mate. You never fight. You’re never in a bad mood. No one has to figure out the logistics of how to pay the mortgage or what to do about grandparents who won’t listen or who’s going to pick the kids up because you’re relationship is all about the two of you- no one else. You have no distractions because your getaways are secret; you’re having an affair so no one else is going to be involved.

I think this is where Chump Lady’s unified theory of cake comes into play. You like the “kibbles” and you don’t leave because the spouse is doing something for you; you’re getting something out of the marital arrangement. Maybe it’s as basic as taking care of the house and the kids. Or as basic as supporting you or enabling you to live a lifestyle you couldn’t live on your own. Maybe you don’t want to deal with the financial hit you would possibly take, or you don’t want to have to pay child support. Hey, as long as the spouse has no idea there is another person you are free to spend as much of the marital money pot on the soul mate as you want! Once that divorce comes through though you might easily see your income cut in half, if not more. Maybe it’s as simple as the thrill of having multiple people wanting you. I believe Chump Lady would say it boils down to entitlement and the thrill of getting one over on your unknowing spouse.

Seriously, just leave. Go! Get out! Stop wasting your spouse’s life. They deserve to find someone who will love them the way you claim to love your affair partner. They deserve to be first in someone’s life because they sure as hell will never come first in yours. They will always be unfairly compared to the affair partner. They deserve to be with someone who won’t lie to them, cheat on them, betray them, and humiliate them.

You deserve to live your life with your soul mate. It will be fun! I’m sure it will be exactly like you imagined it- sex all the time, no fighting, constant understanding. There will be no bills to pay, no children to take care of, no explanations needed when co-workers and friends notice the change in spouse. Your real life with your soul mate will be all kinds of awesome! Never a bad or dull moment. Your kids will be fine! After all, if you’re happy then they’re happy. Besides, kids are resilient, don’t ya know?

Hey, I’m sure that anyone who would throw all their morals aside (assuming they had any to begin with) to sleep with someone else’s spouse is a perfectly delightful person- a real catch, if you will. In some cases they’ve cheated on their own spouse and told their own set of lies. But don’t worry. They would never do that to you. You are special. You are their soul mate. You understand them. They only lie to less deserving people. That would never be you!

A Huge Pity Party Mystery Update

I’m going to be honest. There is no “huge pity party mystery update.” There is, however, a pity party going on (when isn’t there one going on when it comes to CF?), a mystery that has been solved, and an update. I needed to consolidate my title. Instead of A Huge Pity Party, a Mystery Solved, and an Update I mashed it together. Catchy, huh?

First, the update. Picasso finally got his Christmas card and gift card. CF came through and wasn’t a total dickhead to his son. Why it got here so much later than Rock Star’s is a mystery I won’t try to untangle.

Second, the mystery solved. Tammy Faye and Pastor Fake sent the kids a little something for Christmas as well. Tammy Faye went on to say that she hadn’t been well and they had moved into a handicap apartment. I’m not sure how that differs from their previous apartment seeing as how it was a single floor with 2 bedrooms. Maybe the bathroom is more handicap friendly. I don’t know; I don’t care. For shits and giggles I checked the return address on the card. What do you know? The address is the same one CF used as his return address.

Again I ask why? What is the big deal with using his correct address? Does he think I don’t know her address? Does he think he’s somehow keeping his location a big secret from me because I don’t deserve to know where my husband is living? Surprise! I know her address. It was listed in the actual court documents when I named the whore in our divorce proceedings.

Does he think that if he doesn’t list her address then his kids might be fooled into thinking that he’s not living with her or isn’t still with her? Um… it might help if you took down the picture of you posing with the bitch as your FB profile picture. Otherwise, this just looks desperate and sad.

Speaking of desperate and sad, here comes the third part- the huge pity party. What else is new, right? I told you the house is being sold at a foreclosure sale. My cousin is interested in buying the house for her daughter but doesn’t think she’ll have the funds. She contacted CF to ask him how much was owed on the house. He responds: My kids won’t talk to me, I’m bankrupt, and I’m on all these medications. But that’s not your problem….

Now granted, I don’t have this word for word but I’m sure it’s very close. Hell, maybe she did make an offhand comment about “hope you’re doing well” or “sorry to hear about the house.” Ultimately though she was inquiring about how much was owed. And his response is to pour out all his problems- TO MY DAMN COUSIN! Maybe he’s hoping to sleep with her as well. Maybe it’s not enough to sleep with his own cousin; maybe he’s hoping to sleep with my cousin, too. Maybe he has a cousin fetish.

He is ALWAYS THE VICTIM! His kids won’t talk to him, he’s on various medications, and he’s bankrupt. Don’t you feel sorry for him? I’m a kind hearted person. Normally, I would feel sorry for someone like this. Until I realized that he DROVE THE DAMN BUS RIGHT OFF THE CLIFF himself!

I told him back in 2013 that Rock Star would hate Harley and that she would never accept her kids. I told him this point blank. There was no beating around the bush, no euphemisms, no hesitation whatsoever. Rock Star will hate her! Plain as day. I know my daughter. I have been a little surprised about her willingness to stay in contact with him and her apparent dismay at not having a father in her life, but I think that may be simply due to the fact that he’s abandoned them which is always a tough pill to swallow whether you want that person in your life or not.

He knew that if he ever left he was risking his relationship with his kids. He said himself that he told Harley the kids were much closer to me than to him. He admitted to me when I told him Rock Star would hate Harley that he figured as much. When I told him there would be no fucked up version of the Brady Bunch between her kids and mine he agreed.

All that notwithstanding, what the hell did he think was going to happen when he moved them across the country, torpedoed their lives for this new job of his, and then turned around and upended their lives again a year later? Did he think they were going to thank him? What did he think was going to happen when he left every weekend to go be with Harley and her kids? When he could socialize with them and play Daddy of the Year to them but couldn’t be bothered with his own children? How did he think they were going to react when he moved out of the house and out of the state without bothering to even mention it to them, much less say goodbye?

As a small aside Rock Star informed me that he sent her a FB friend request. She ignored it. She said she wasn’t going to decline it because then he would have something to play victim about.

The last time Picasso mentioned his dad he called him a cock. That boy is stone cold. I would not ever want to get on his bad side.

He’s heavily medicated? Fucking your cousin will do that to a person. Maybe stop doing that and you’ll feel better. I don’t know what to tell you, dude. You’ve made some bad life choices. Sounds like those choices are coming home to roost and you’re dealing with the consequences. Sucks to be you.

You know what else? I don’t really care, not even little bit, about your mental health now. I don’t give a shit if you’re trying to get better now. Now for another woman and her kids. I needed you to get better before. I needed you to get better so that you could be a husband and a partner to me. I don’t care how you’re doing for her. I hope you’re doing awful, quite honestly. I needed you to get better so that you could be a decent father to our own children. I don’t care one little bit how you treat hers. I cared about you getting better when it would affect our family for the better. Now that you’ve chosen her and her brood I don’t care if you ever get better. I hope you don’t. Let her deal with the fallout for the next twenty years.

He’s bankrupt? Wow- who would have ever seen that one coming? Again, you’ve made some bad life choices. You walked away from a house you’d owned less than a year. You watched them put an insanely expensive inground pool in your backyard, knowing you were going to leave your family for a whore and her kids. You furnished almost your entire house with new furniture. Maybe it was the fact that you had a brand new pussy wagging in your face that kept you distracted but all of those things- the new house, new pool, new car, new furniture- were some of the very first things I thought about when I found out you were cheating again. How the hell would we be able to sell the house and not lose our asses? That was a huge concern of mine. Again, I’m sure you were much more focused on fucking your cousin than on worrying about what was going to happen when we tried to sell a house that we had been paying on less than a year.

You had a wife of twenty years who had followed you around the country and been a stay at home mom since your daughter was an infant. How did you not seeing spousal support coming? Again, that’s another one of those things I tackled straight out of the gate. What can I expect to receive in child and spousal support and how do they calculate that shit? I know; I know. When a whore is sucking your dick you don’t give much thought to those sorts of things. It will all work itself out and besides, hey, you’re getting a blow job!

You had a pool loan and credit card debt. Oh, that was another thing I checked on- how spousal debt was split up. Guess you were busy getting busy with the whore and didn’t inquire. You gave your wife less than $5000/month and expected her to pay all of the bills out of that, including the $2100/month mortgage, the car payment for her new car, the car insurance for both of you, both credit cards, all the utilities, and a $341/month pool loan. There wasn’t enough left over after paying all the bills for her to buy groceries or dog food but instead of giving her more you just told her to use the money she had put aside. You know, the money that was earmarked to pay off the pool. Instead of splitting the household expenses which would have meant your wife didn’t have to use the pool money, which in turn meant that you wouldn’t have had to pay an additional $15,000 out of your bonus check to pay off the remainder of the pool, you chose to put your remaining paycheck, almost $5000/month, into a separate checking account that you shared with the whore. I did warn you that it would be considered a marital debt and that it would have to be paid off. You did screw me, however, seeing as how you got to pay the remainder from your bonus check and then split the proceeds with me, instead of having to split the bonus check and then you paying the rest of it off. Of course, if you did have an additional $7500 the whore would have just blown through it. But, I would possibly be in a better situation with an extra $7500. Oh what am I saying? You don’t give a shit about me and your kids and how we’re struggling.

You took a $5000 loan out against your 401k, and even knowing that it needed to be paid off before you left the company or penalties would apply, you quit your job of 15 years. You cashed in all of the remaining stock you had been given and in quitting 6 months later, you walked away from tens of thousands in unvested stocks.

In four months she (or the two of you) went through approximately $30,000. You bought such necessary items as a $4200 engagement ring, a $300 formal dress for a child that wasn’t yours, over $400 in sports equipment (just in September), almost $200 at Vera Bradley, hundreds in eye care, almost $1000 paying the whore’s utilities, and over $800 for Christmas gifts for children that weren’t yours. Between January and June you took in approximately $27,000 after paying your court ordered support and according to your bank records there was only $3000 in your account at the end of June. Of course, Harley was contributing right around $5000/month, too so I’m not sure we should even say YOU had $3000 left over. Between you two idiots you had $3000 left over and that’s only because you didn’t pay a dime in support that month. You should have had nothing left once support was paid but I guess Harley wouldn’t have been able to spend to her little heart’s desire had you paid half of your support that month. It was much more important that she get whatever she and her kids wanted, rather than you provide anything your kids might need.

I have to give a shout out to Totally Caroline because she definitely saw this one coming. I really thought he’d keep it together at least until Harley dumped him. He likes having money. He likes being a big shot. More importantly, she likes having money and what he was handing over to her was easily doubling her income. Even once he began paying court ordered support he was still able to offer her around $3000/month.

I have to just shake my head in amazement. He wants everyone to see him as a victim and yet he is completely unable to comprehend that he went down this path willingly. Did it play out the way he expected? Oh, probably not. I’m sure he thought he was going to pay me a lousy $5000/month and get to walk away from all of our joint responsibilities. I would pay all the bills, take care of the kids, the pets, and go get a full time job working for peanuts to pay for groceries, gas, household staples, and any other extras. Meanwhile, he would have $5000 to blow on absolutely nothing. It would all be fun money. If you recall he had no bills. His car was paid for, his cell phone bill was paid for by his company (until he quit), and I paid the insurance on his car. Ooh, lightbulb moment! That is probably what he thought would happen and why he sees himself as my hapless victim. It doesn’t matter that he did this to himself. It doesn’t matter that he miscalculated screwing me in that particular way. No, the only thing that matters to him is that things didn’t work out the way he thought they were going to so now he’s a victim.

Take heart, Cousinfucker. Every time you begin to whine about all the medication, the financial disaster, and the fact that your kids will have nothing to do with you you can take comfort in the fact that Harley is right there by your side, probably down on her knees. How can you possibly be unhappy when you have your soul mate, the person who makes you happy, by your side forever? Victim? Oh gosh no! I’d say you’re the victor!

Spitting Nails, Part 1

You get a bonus entry today because I am so mad I could spit nails.

My attorney appeared in court today to get a show-cause hearing. As expected Cousinfucker simultaneously filed for a modification of his support. It gets better. He’s now claiming that because of his mental health and substance abuse issues he won’t be able to earn anywhere near his previous salary. He is putting his income range around $30,000. Wow- that’s what he was making when I met him more than 22 years ago. It gets even better. Not only are they filing for a modification of support they want it retroactive to the day in June that he notified me he lost his job. Because apparently when you don’t have a job you don’t have any bills to pay and your children no longer have any needs or wants.

I just asked my attorney a few days ago if a judge would vacate his arrears and she told me that he would still owe that. I asked again after reading his lawyer’s filing and I haven’t yet heard back. It may very well turn out that I’m going to have to wait until February to see if he will get away with yet another shitty act. If Cousinfucker wanted a modification he should have filed for that months ago. He’s a lazy sonofabitch who figured I would go away and let him fuck his whore in peace. Does the fact that he’s had FIVE MONTHS to file a modification mean nothing?

On top of that his attorney is trying to make him look like a saint by claiming all of his gross annual income for Dream Job #1 and then claiming a pay cut for Dream Job #2 while he continued to pay the agreed upon court orders. Um… first of all, she overestimated his pay by about $20,000. Second of all, he was paying support based upon his monthly income only. He argued vehemently against having any of his bonus, stocks, or dividend checks included. He even argued that the bonus was already spent and that he wasn’t assured of that amount every year (another lie). He actually ended up paying less than what he would have been ordered to pay if we had included all of his salary. Third of all, he didn’t take a pay cut when he moved; he actually got a slight monthly pay increase where his base salary was concerned. It wasn’t much but then again he wasn’t moving for the money; he was moving for the whore. Fourth? It’s not my damn fault he quit his job and moved. Those are called consequences, Cousinfucker!

Naturally they are using his veteran status and claiming he has severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD. Funny how most of that didn’t manifest itself until he started fucking a whore and found out it wasn’t so cheap to get rid of the wife.

My attorney is not very hopeful. She thinks he’s going to have a tough time finding another job in his pay range. The jobs that pay what he’s used to won’t want to take a chance on him and the jobs that aren’t as demanding will say he’s overqualified. So, I don’t know if she thinks he’s going to get away with everything (which is what I’m fully expecting), or if she thinks it doesn’t matter what a judge rules because he’ll never be able to pay me what he owes.

She did suggest to his attorney that perhaps he ought to go back to his former place of employment to see if he was eligible for a re-hire, letting them know he had an emergency medical issue which has been taken care of. That’s hysterical. He doesn’t want to have to commute 2 hours each way. He sure as hell doesn’t want to have to go back to the company he called home for 15 years because that’s 6 hours away from the whore. He could get a job in Manufacturing Services but that would require weekly travel and I’m sure he’d prefer to get his nightly blow job over supporting his children. He’s such a piece of shit.

Twenty years of marriage and nineteen years of me following that sonofabitch all over the country and I’m going to be left with nothing.

Part 2 of my, “I’m So Mad I Could Spit Nail,” coming later tonight. Probably. I’ve been up since 12:45 am so I’m getting a bit tired.

Breaking News!

How many have heard the news? Brangelina is no more. The Internet is abuzz with news of Angie filing for divorce. The rumor mill is swirling; if “anonymous sources” are to be believed she hired a PI to catch him cheating with a co-star. How on earth could she ever think Brad would behave in such an egregious manner? It is impossible!

Okay, I’m done snarking. I do find it interesting how this is being presented by different sources. There is the obligatory, “The Greatest Love Affair Of All Time Has Died!” contingency. To which I say, “Bullshit!” They were cheaters. He was married to another woman and this wasn’t the first time Angelina was involved with a man who had a wife or fiancee. Billy Bob Thornton, anyone? This is how affairs usually work themselves out. Their relationship is not a great love story that will endure throughout the ages. They are not two soul mates destined to be together. THEY ARE NOT SPECIAL! Yes, they are fabulously wealthy and have lived an amazing life; yet when you strip that all away they are just two ordinary cheaters. It would be refreshing if someone would point that out at least once.

Then you have the people who are thinking about the six children involved. I think this is a good conversation to have; unfortunately, I think they stop short of talking about what they really should talk about. I think this would be a phenomenal time to start talking about how relationships that begin as affairs don’t usually last, and because of that, any children born or adopted into these families are probably going to have to suffer through their parents’ divorce. Brad cheated on his wife. Angelina willingly became involved with a married man. They brought six children into their relationship. Stop talking about this being a tragedy and start talking about the consequences of marrying your affair partner!

I don’t know if the rumors are true and that he is indeed cheating on her. I don’t know if she really did hire a PI because she thought he was cheating. I did see someone from the entertainment industry who was saying that generally when people in that world do simply grow apart they issue a joint statement and it reads along the lines of: We still love one another but we have grown apart. Irreconcilable differences. Our children will continue to be our number one priority. Co-parenting. Still best friends. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time. Blah blah blah.

He pointed out that this is not how this particular divorce filing has gone down. She’s saying she is divorcing for the health of the family and is asking for sole custody. It is not a joint statement. He in turn replied that his children will continue to be his priority, which is apparently code for, “Over my dead body, bitch!” So again I say I don’t really know if he’s cheating on her or not but for the purpose of these next two points I’m going to believe that he is.

This goes to prove the old adage: If he (or she) cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you. They always think they’re so special. He (or she) wouldn’t do that to me! I’m nothing like his wife. I’m shiny and perfect. No, you’re really not. You’re available. Keep in mind that when a man marries his mistress he creates an opening.

I’ve seen this happen up close and personal. Jezebel and Husband #2 are a prime example. When they got together they were very best friends and soul mates. He was exactly what she needed. He gave up everything for her and in turn she cheated on him with Husband #3. They lasted 14 years total, married 11 but she began cheating about a year prior. Harley’s former brother-in-law and Pastor Fake’s first wife are another example. Those two idiots were trying to rewrite history and change biology. That one didn’t last nearly as long but it did result in prison terms for both of them so that was an interesting twist. After she dumped her husband for the ex-con she met in the halfway house she ended up divorcing him several years later, too.

It also goes to show you that it’s not because the spouse has done something wrong or she’s let herself go. Angelina Jolie is a beautiful woman. I’m sure she has hundreds, if not thousands, of men who would date her in a hot second. She is extremely thin and always well dressed. It cannot be said that she has let herself go. It appears that they spent time alone and they could travel all over the world. I would think their life was filled with excitement, and yet, infidelity still occurred. I don’t think she committed any of the sins that regularly lead to us being told we brought this on ourselves and it still happened (allegedly).

If he has indeed cheated on her perhaps this new OW will get smart and realize what her future holds. Maybe she will decide it’s not worth it to hitch her wagon to his star. Otherwise, ten years from now the tabloids will be all abuzz about their impending divorce. Nah, I’m sure she’s special.

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Additional Blasts From the Past, January-March

I’m sure I sound like a broken record but I continue to showcase these and go back and pick up ones I may have missed or figured weren’t important because I want to give everyone an accurate picture of what was being said by me. Afterall, he uses that as a basis for reigniting his affair with Harley. I didn’t love him. I was depressed. I was unhappy with him. We weren’t good for each other. So I put it all out there. I reexamine it and time after time I look back and think, “What was so awful?”
The reality is he couldn’t handle any dissension. He used it as an excuse to do whatever he damned well wanted to do. Unfortunately for him I’m still not afraid to put it all out there.

January 2014
At the ER with my daughter. Another migraine. Last time we were here (first time we ever brought her in) he was involved with the whore, keeping her apprised of the situation. He swears he didn’t text her while we were at the hospital, but he did let her know what was going on.

And can I just say that still pisses me off? She didn’t have any business knowing anything that was going on with my kid. None.

Present Day Sam Says: Isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard? Letting your semen demon know how your child is doing. Hey, at least he allegedly laid off the texting while he was actually at the hospital with said child.

January 2014
Gyms, gyms, gyms. Let’s talk about gyms. I’m afraid that in a few months we’re going to destroy my daughter’s world and end her gymnastics dreams. She wants to get to Level 10. She wants to compete in college. Where we are going there are not a lot of club gymnastics. I think she’ll have three to pick from, all approximately an hour away. There are two in Whore Town and can I just say how happy it’s going to make me driving to a town with the same name as the town in which the whore lives? Five days a week, if my daughter continues. I’ve seen it asked, “If your child needed you to run into a burning building to rescue her, would you? Well, she doesn’t need you to run into a burning building; she needs you to do THIS particular thing.” So if that’s the gym she picks, if she continues to work towards her dream, then I will grit my teeth and I will drive to the town that shares its name with the whore’s residence. Because that’s what my daughter needs.

Present Day Sam Says: Well, it happened. We did destroy her world and end her gymnastics dreams. She did Excel for a year but didn’t particularly enjoy it. It was a much lower competitive level for her and she lost skills she had worked hard to get. She did end up loving high school gymnastics; unfortunately, Cousinfucker stole that, along with a team captain spot, from her, as well.
I wish I had known back in February that that was the last time I would watch my daughter compete. There were times I had such severe butterflies in my stomach that I thought I would throw up, but I loved watching her do what she did. I was so proud of her and all that she could do. Now that is over. For what? So that her dad can fuck his cousin and be happy.

February 2014
The official offer came in. We’re moving this summer. Hooray! Now I can be so much closer to his whore and I get to drive to Whore Town 4-5 times a week. And see signs for Not Whore Town, also, which happens to be a major road the whore drives on. Oh, I’m just ecstatic! And bonus time- I’ll also be closer to his family. Bring on the drama! Can’t wait to hear him bitch about the fact that no one can bother to make the drive to see him but they can drive all over Hell for something they want, like watermelon, or bacon, or a damn plate of bbq.
No one is excited about the move except him. He thinks this will be a fantastic opportunity and he’ll be so much happier. He’d better be. If I have to put up with more anxiety and mood swings while simultaneously dealing with my kids’ heartbreak I may just leave him! I keep telling myself it won’t be bad; things will work out. And if he really is still seeing the whore behind my back there will not be a corner in this world far enough away to escape my wrath.

Present Day Sam Says: Six weeks. It took him six weeks to start whining and complaining about his job once we got there.

February 2014
Another post about differences. I find it funny my husband told me, upon being confronted about his affair with her, “We have a lot in common. We really really like each other.” Oh well that makes all the difference in the world then! Seriously, I told him then and I know it even today it was a fantasy. He didn’t even know her. He still gives me crap for voting for Bill Clinton- twice! She voted for Obama twice and is hoping Hillary Clinton is our next president. She doesn’t like most of what he likes. He’s a big Duck Dynasty fan; she despises them. According to him she doesn’t watch tv, although with her ankle being broken she’s certainly watched her fill. Doesn’t like going to the movies. I think the only thing they had in common was their favorite basketball team and their hometown roots. Eventually the stories would have run out, and then what? I suppose reality would have set in. And that would have been really fun to watch.
Present Day Sam Says: I wonder how those hometown stories are going for them. I wonder if she’s dutifully sitting by his side, watching all his stupid television shows with him. Nah, they’re both probably too busy drinking and blowing through what’s left of the money.

February 2014
I’m not proud of this but sometimes I get great relief by making fun of the whore. I watched her Facebook movie and my God, she looks hideous in so many of her earlier pictures. What on earth was my husband thinking when he messed around with that ugly skank ass bitch?

Present Day Sam Says: Again, it’s not what they look like. It’s all about how they make them feel.

February 2014

Still in a crappy mood. Still not happy about this stupid move. Still not happy my husband got passed over for a promotion so they could move him 2000 miles away for yet another lateral position. Still not happy about leaving my friends.

Present Day Sam Says: Yes, I know. This entry is awful. How dare I have feelings about being forced to give up my life and my friends for my husband’s happiness? If only I could have been ecstatic about the move, I might have had a shot at preserving my marriage.

February 2014
So… This was supposed to be my entry today. My evolution from bitch to not quite such a bitch. At one point I had all of my in-laws blocked on my daughter’s page. With Jezebel it was the day I found out she knew about Zack’s affair with Harley and that her advice had been: You should do what makes you happy. You deserve to be happy. I’d block. I’d unblock. I thought I had her blocked on Instagram, too, but I didn’t. I blocked my father-in-law after my MIL used his page to tell the whore she was so……………… pretty. Yeah, no more of that shit. Then she got her own page and sent a friend request to me and my daughter. I deleted her as a friend on my daughter’s once I saw she was also friends with the whore. I’m not sure what caused me to block everybody again. Probably the sausage balls. But, I’m over it. My brother’s wife is a bitch from Hell, cloaked in Christian clothing, and she has unfriended his two kids so they can’t see pictures of his youngest. She has everyone in our family on restricted access so we can’t see or share the pictures either. Since I think she’s being ridiculous and vindictive I decided to loosen the reins. Everyone is unblocked. If she wishes to friend them again she can. I’m even willing to let Zack take them to his home state with him. However, I still don’t trust them. I still have no doubt they wouldn’t turn around and leave if they saw Harley out somewhere. Still absolutely, 100% sure they would hug and kiss on her and introduce my child to her without a second thought. And here’s where it gets interesting. If they EVER introduce that fucking whore to my kids I will tell them everything. I will tell them that she was their father’s whore, that she sent naked pictures to him all summer, sent inappropriate text messages to him all summer, told him she loved him. I will tell them how their father thought he was in love with her and told their cousin he was going to marry her. I will tell them they were planning a life together and that the two of them were more than willing to rip their lives apart so they could be together. And furthermore EVERYONE you know and love here in his home state knows she was his whore and they are all fine with it. Your aunt knew while he was fooling around with her and encouraged and supported it. Your grandparents knew after the fact and yet they’re both ok with it and think she’s wonderful. In fact, they would rather have a relationship with her than with your mother.
Some may say you shouldn’t involve your kids in things like this. I say don’t introduce my children to their father’s whore or there will be Hell to pay.

February 2014
I just realized while writing the novel below that not only is August 14th D-Day, it’s also the day he broke off their engagement. If he really did. I find it helps to take everything with a grain of salt. Followed by tequila and a lime. Ha ha ha. Honestly, if they were discussing marriage and he was telling God only knows who all that he was going to marry the whore, then they were engaged, unofficially perhaps. I guess the whore will let me know if they picked out a ring for her, or better yet, if he bought her one. So, if and when he ended it, he ended their engagement also. Great work, honey. Married to one woman, engaged to another. And to think, I didn’t even know we were seeing other people!

February 2014
I’m in a good place so I probably shouldn’t write but oh well. One of the things that bugs me about their relationship is how fast it advanced and how serious it always was. We got engaged 6 days after we met. People always say, Wow, and think that’s really cool. We were both single. We had no children. Look at us- engaged after only six days, married 7 months later. I don’t know how long it took before they were declaring their love for one another and planning their wedding but I do know that by May 9th he was telling someone else he was going to marry her. That was, at the most, 15 days after they started their affair. Less than 15 days to toss aside your wife, decide to divorce her so you can marry another, leave your kids behind and completely destroy their lives. 15 days. And that’s the maximum time. That’s counting from the day he told her she looked fantastic, and he swears they weren’t involved yet at that point. I believe it probably happened in less than a week. So, it probably took him less time to decide to disentangle himself from his marriage and his family in order to marry the fucking whore, than to marry me when neither of us had baggage. Nice!

March 2014
I see she’s still living in a fantasy world where soul mates exist and, I’m sure, some love is just meant to be. Barf.
Elephant Love: Loneliness, Dating & Relationships
“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

March 2014

Another thing to keep in mind.
Many times the lovers bond over the unhappiness in their marriage, and this bond is often perceived as true intimacy and love. However, it is perhaps the only aspect that is holding their relationship together. Beyond that, there is nothing.
I have a theory that unconsciously both lovers know that the common bond of their unhappy marriages is the component that keeps the relationship alive. I believe the drama associated with the affair and the faltering marriage helps to strengthen this bond, and both lovers try to keep that part going in order to keep the affair strong.
Think about it. They are experiencing a small fraction of their life with this person. They are not sharing a family, friends, a household, commitment, or real life experiences. So what is really holding them together except for the bond that their marriages are bad and they feel they deserve better?
Present Day Sam Says: I know! How horrible of me to point out that their “love” was based upon a fallacy.

In all seriousness though, I think this is spot on. Affairs are so much about secrets and an us against the world mentality. The cheater and the whore triangulate with the betrayed spouse (or spouses). Once that is gone the relationship tends to suffer. I like what many others have said: Even when it appears to the outside world that everything is dandy they are miserable with one another. They have to continue to put on a good act because otherwise they threw away a marriage, or marriages, and families, for some dumb affair that didn’t mean anything instead of being a part of the love affair of the century.

March 2014

A small confession. Whenever I’m on Facebook as myself I can’t see anything Harley says or likes, but I can tell when she has liked something or commented. She commented on her cousin’s dinner the other day. Now, it helped that the other person said, “Thanks, Harley!” She was replying to each person personally by name so I decided to comment as well, and mention visiting. Sure enough, she thanked me by name and commented on us visiting and her cooking. Ha! Take that, bitch! I hope she enjoyed seeing my name on her newsfeed. I know I so enjoy seeing her all over my in-laws pages.

March 2014
I’m trying to keep this in mind:
#18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
This ^^^ is so much easier said than done. I’ve anyways been one of those people who said if holding a grudge is exhausting you’re not doing it right. I’ve had no problem with putting people (not many; I’m a nice person) on my “I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire” list and forgetting all about them until someone reminds me of them. I think in 45 years somewhere between 4 and 8 people have made that list. Currently, while I’m not crazy about one of those people I probably would piss on her. While I rolled my eyes. Another one is completely off that list because she’s not in my life and has no effect on me (I shall call her Nurse Ratchett because honestly, I don’t even remember her name at this point). Honestly, I’m not sure you could consider her to have really been on the list. I think I was just mad and spouting off. Regardless, she wasn’t on the list long. Two people I’m debating even putting on the list; I think I’m just more over their behavior (I’m not sure who these 2 people are. Jezebel is probably 1 of them.). My current neighbors are iffy. I don’t wish to have anything to do with them but I’m not sure I’m still at the “watch them burn” stage. That leaves Pip and Harley. Pip has been on the list since 2000. Doesn’t hurt me in the least to still hate him. I sincerely doubt Harley will ever make it off the list and I figure if I’m not actively trying to take the bitch out I’m doing my part. I don’t even have my in-laws on that list. I figure they’re not worth the time and effort. You have to really fuck up to get on that list.
I do like the part, though, about forgiveness meaning you won’t let the other person take away your happiness. But then again I think that goes along with knowing the proper way to hold a grudge. I can be perfectly happy and take great delight in what is happening in my life and STILL hate her. The only problem comes when you can’t move on because you’re so wrapped up in the other person, their life, and seeking revenge. No, I’m not actively plotting to ruin her life, but I won’t shed a tear when bad things happen to her. If you asked her I would be willing to bet she doesn’t rejoice in my happiness either, and any hardships I may suffer aren’t met with sympathy.
So, I’ll give life rule #18 some more thought, but in the end I think it was written by somebody who just doesn’t understand how grudges work. I’m fine with not forgiving Harley for sending my husband naked pictures, promising him sexual favors, and planning a future with him- all while knowing full well he was married. And I’m still happy. I’m fairly certain I could watch her burn to death and not shed a tear. Maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch. Or maybe all this focus on forgiveness is just a bunch of bullshit used to make others feel better about themselves.

Reality Versus Fantasy

I realized that since I was on the road Thursday I didn’t do a TBT. I’m a little late but enjoy! This is a pretty good one, too.

Blast From the Past 35

April 2014

Here’s the more. Zack is not doing well with this move. He’s stressing over everything; his anxiety is out of control. He’s crying all the time, and seeing everything that can go wrong. He’s convinced we’re going to lose money on the house. When he gets like this I think of Harley and all she didn’t know about life with Zack.

First of all, if regular every day life stresses him out, how the Hell did he ever think he could live through a divorce and custody battle? He doesn’t like change, or the unknown, but he’s going to leave me, possibly lose his kids, have to sell his house (with no buyout safety net), and somehow start a life with his whore? Oh, I would have paid to have seen that! Add on the confusion of does he quit his job and find another one in his home state to be with her- yet another stressor because I know he doesn’t want to switch companies, or does she drop everything, possibly leaving behind children, to come out here and then he’s faced with the prospect of being the perfect partner because she’s given up so much to be with him? In hindsight, I would have enjoyed watching that play out. Even being broke and living with my mom I would have fared much better than him. I would have gotten on with my life. He would never have been able to forgive himself for deserting his children, and would never have gotten over their rejection of him.

Secondly, I believe I already wrote about how she only got the jolly Zack, the upbeat Zack, the I’m so in love with my soul mate and life is just grand Zack. I would love to be a fly on the wall the first time he called to talk to the kids and our daughter refused to speak to him. And if our son followed her lead? One of them rejecting him would have been devastating. Two of them? He’d be suicidal. I would love to watch as his beloved whore had to deal with him crying and going on about what a horrible person he was and what a failure as a father he was. He’s not so happy now, is he, Harley? Love didn’t solve that problem, did it? Maybe you could get down on your knees and suck his dick like you were so anxious to do and see if that makes the pain of his children rejecting him go away. I’m guessing it won’t.

I’d love to watch her have to deal with him when something small happens and he’s convinced himself that it’s a major catastrophe, and she needs to talk him down. Or, when he gets in these depressed, anxious moods and nothing you say or do can help.

Come on, baby, tell me how pretty I am. Tell me how happy I make you and how you’ve never felt this way before. I didn’t sign up for this! I wanted happy, and fun, and soul mate crap. We were supposed to pool all our money together and live a fantastic life. We were going to eat dinner together and buy our dream house. Your wife was supposed to be the root of all your unhappiness. Once we were together it was supposed to be all sunshine and roses and rainbows and unicorn glitter. I never signed on for real life, with stress and problems and your emotional instability. We love each other, remember? I make you HAPPY!

Joke’s on you, Harley! This is the real Zack. He’s broken. You need to have a lot of patience and love to deal with everything he brings to the table. You need to know when to intervene and when to let it go. You need to learn to deal with his mood swings and the fact that he won’t get serious about getting help. You have to accept the fact that you’re the one that needs to be grounded because he’s imagining worst case scenarios, and exaggerating even the most benign upsets. You have to be the strong one and you can never fall apart because you’ll be too busy holding him together. You can’t have a bad day because you need to get him through his bad days, and they are many. You need to realize his mind always goes to the worst possible result, and you’ll always need to be telling him he’s not worthless, or unlovable, or a failure.

I’ve built a life with him, Harley. I’ve accepted these things about him. He has many wonderful qualities, too. But I also know most women wouldn’t have lasted five years dealing with this. You? You wouldn’t have lasted a year. You thought you were getting a fairy tale romance. Your “love” was based on deceit and the thrill of being illicit. It was the two of you against the world, and you lived in your own little cocoon where the real world never dared to interfere. In your fantasy he was everything your husband was not, and you were everything I was not. It was complete and utter bullshit.

I’ve lived reality. I’ve moved across the country with him. I’ve endured miscarriages and infertility problems with him. I was there when his father died. I’ve been there in good times and bad. We’ve built a life together based on what is, not what we fantasized about. You would have been in for an extremely rude awakening. I’m almost sorry I didn’t get to witness it because I would have delighted in your joint misery.

Present Day Sam Says:  Looking back on this two years later is interesting.  I was right about some things and wrong about others. He’s been able to deal with his “move” because he didn’t have to do anything.  He walked out the damn door without saying a word to anyone.  Packed up a few clothes and called it good, while telling everyone I threw everything of his away.  He also didn’t seem to mind abandoning his kids.  That hasn’t bothered him nearly as much as I thought it would.

But he is going to have to sell this house at a loss this time around.  He did switch jobs; it didn’t last.  He is not doing well.  Harley is having to deal with all of this bullshit now and I don’t believe she’s going to make it five years.  She has made it a year but for probably the first 6 months they lived in a fantasy world. They were sneaking behind my back, welcomed with open arms by his dysfunctional family, he was giving her thousands of dollars and then later spending several more thousand on her and her kids.  Life was fun!  It was all sex and drinking and blowing money because I took what I was given and paid all the bills and took care of the kids.  Now he doesn’t have access to as much money.  So he has the sadz.  As for me?  I’m FREE!

Right Spot At the Right Time, Or Something Like That

Blast From the Past 27

March 2014

Something to take to heart:

Don’t Make The Other Person More Important Than They Are:

He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is a distraction. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.

I’m not particularly fond of the thought he was “looking for an affair” but I do appreciate the sentiment that she was simply in the right place at the right time. I think that’s true. We had been struggling for a while. He tells me he thought he was only a paycheck to me and that we lived like roommates. He even told me he didn’t think I cared about him or our marriage anymore, and that I probably wouldn’t even care about his affair with her.

He reconnects with Harley on Facebook; she’s in the same boat and BAM- a recipe ripe for disaster.

And then, of course, you have the fantasy of the affair. Two perfect people with no problems. No one interferes. No one else is making demands. And it’s all wishing and dreaming. No reality.

Harley, you were nothing. All talk of marriage and love ended the moment I put my foot down and he realized if he was going to have you in his life he was going to have to make it real, no more fantasies. You were a diversion, nothing more. You weren’t soul mates. You weren’t destined to be together. You hadn’t finally found “the one”. You were just a sad, pathetic affair partner who happened to be in the right place at the right time, and who he now doesn’t even want to be reminded of.

Editor’s Note:  Again, that didn’t work out entirely the way I thought it was going to.  Live and learn, I suppose. I still believe this whole thing between them is going to implode and when it does it is going to be amazing.

Looking back I am struck by what a whiny, entitled baby CF is. “I’m just a paycheck and a handyman to you.  Waaaaa!  I didn’t think you’d even care that I was planning on marrying someone else while I was already married to you.”  I’m also struck by the copious amounts of bullshit I willingly ate in order to preserve my marriage.  “Oh, no, sweetie!  I love you!  How can I make this up to you?  Tell me which dance you’d like me to dance to- the choose me cha-cha?  The pick-me polka?  The stay-with-me samba?  Hey- how ‘bout the fuck you foxtrot?”  That’s what I should have offered up!

 

A Conversation With Rock Star

“Mom, do YOU think he’s crazy?”

I pause, giving great thought to this question my daughter has just asked.  She has already freely said she believes her dad is legitimately crazy.  She’s not a psychiatrist though so I’m not sure how much stock to put into her diagnosis.  After weighing my words carefully I give her my answer.

“No, I don’t think he’s crazy.  I think he’s living in a fantasy world.  I don’t know for certain where he’s working but I do know his big dream was to work side by side with his best friend.  He once told me he should have taken the job at Best Friend’s plant when Best Friend tried to get him to come work with him and that was one of his biggest regrets.  If I had to bet I would place money on the fact that Best Friend managed to get him a job at his company and they are now working together.  So he thinks he has his dream job and he thinks he has his dream woman.”

She turns up her nose at that comment.  I can’t say that I blame her.  But he does. I don’t tell her this part but he thinks that Harley and her performance are the real thing.  She loves him for who he is and she would never be with him for the money.  Oh no!  That was the evil, awful Sam who stuck around for the money.  Harley is going to be the perfect mate.  She’ll text him every time she takes a shit and let him know all about it.  She’ll tell him how handsome he is and coo over every little thing he does.  Best of all, every weekend it’s nonstop sex!

Here’s the thing.  I’m sure that for a period of time, maybe even a decent period of time, this will play out just fine.  He will live far enough away from her that he can’t live with her, thereby giving him four days to decompress and do whatever he wants.  Then for 3 days (2 1/2 if we want to be technical) he puts on his Dad of the Year/Companion of the Year mask and is all smiles and grand gestures.  When things start to bother him it’s time to return back to his home where he can chill in front of the television, drink some wine, and not have to deal with anyone.  He doesn’t have to help her get kids to activities.  He doesn’t have to help with homework.  He doesn’t have any of the daily grind you have when you actually live with someone day after day.  But eventually the newness will wear off.  It’s also quite possible that he will find out sooner, rather than later, that the love of his life is cheating on him.  Ouch! Again, not things I say out loud to her.

I do go on to tell her that I think eventually his perfect fantasy life is going to implode.  His best friend has switched companies quite a few times and I don’t see them staying at the same company, together, for another fifteen to twenty years.  I also don’t see Cousinfucker taking it too well when and if Best Friend becomes his boss.  I also don’t see Best Friend taking it too well if the situation was reversed.  I think they have this vision of what life is going to be like, them working together, and I don’t think reality is going to play out anywhere close to this dream of theirs.  They are two alpha males and I see them either clashing with one another, or them trying to take down their boss, which probably won’t go over well with him.  Even if my theory that he’s working with Best Friend is incorrect and he’s actually working somewhere completely different the same rules apply.  He will love it at first and then when he doesn’t get to dictate every single thing he’s going to begin pouting and decide he hates it.  Only now he’s stuck.

What I say to her in summation is that once the newness of his relationship wears off and he realizes what kind of a person Harley is, and once he realizes that working with Best Friend isn’t the dream he believes it will be, I think he is going to look back at everything he has given up- his wife of over 20 years, his two kids, a job that he’s held for more than 15 years, and he’s going to realize how severely he has screwed himself.

At this point in my “journey” I’m not sure if I’d rather see that day arrive and smirk knowingly, gleeful at his misery, or if I would prefer to truly not give a damn and just be able to shake my head and say, “Sucks to be you.”  Only time will tell, I suppose.

Is My New Lawyer Psychic?

I saw another lawyer last week.  I liked her and I decided to switch.  I have many reasons for making the switch but key among them would be communication and the fact that I think my previous attorney botched my case.  Not an all out, Oh my God, I’m ruined, kinda botched.  But he definitely did not do me any favors or get me the best deal possible.

First interesting moment of the conversation with her was when she told me that everything in the court order is modifiable.  And there is a lot I’d like to see modified.  The funny part though is due to Cousinfucker quitting his job and leaving the state I now have a material change in circumstances.  Of course, I can be granted anything by the court but it doesn’t mean shit if he’s going to defy the court order or believes he’s untouchable because he’s out of state.  He probably thought he was going to screw me by getting everything excluded from his annual salary except his base pay and then turning around and getting a new job with a potentially higher base pay, even if the bonuses aren’t as good.  He thought he would screw me by promising half of his bonus check and to pay off the pool with that money and then leaving his job and doing neither of those two things.  Turns out the joke’s on him because with him taking this new job I can now go back and ask to have support re-evaluated.  And this time, when he has to throw in extra to cover marital debt my attorney is going to have that excluded from spousal support.  It will show up as a contribution to the marital debt, which it is, instead of as spousal support to me.  And as far as the bonus check is concerned I still have hope that he actually received it before leaving his company, but if he didn’t I would love to drag his ass before a judge and have him explain why he agreed to something only to turn around and voluntarily resign from his job no more than six weeks later.

The second moment was when the lawyer told me she was concerned for his mental well being.  She said there were a lot of red flags coming up for her and she was very concerned that he was going to have a complete mental breakdown, especially when Harley dumps him.  I explained that two years ago when he was confiding in Jezebel about his affair he told her that Harley made him happy and I remarked that according to Harley he is Daddy of the Year and she’s never been happier.  This is where it begins to get really interesting.

She looked at me and said, “Are you really going to take her word for it?  She’s a married woman with four kids having an affair with her cousin.  He’s a paycheck to her, a sugar daddy.”

Wow!  Here is a woman who has never met me, Cousinfucker or Harley and yet she has said the exact same thing that I have said, that family members have said.  I’ll admit that sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong and that she’s not the real love of his life.  I wonder if I say she’s just a gold digging whore to make myself feel better.  But here is a woman who has seen many, many divorces over the years.  She’s been doing this a long time.  And she has made the same observation.  In many ways it’s validation.  I continue to wrestle with the idea that this is not my fault.  Rationally I know it is not.  But in my insane moments (yes, I do have those!) I keep coming back to the old, “What if I didn’t do this?  What if I did that?  Maybe I should have done this.”  This lady put it all in perspective.  I am correct!  He’s a paycheck to Harley.  She’s a desperate, gold digging mother of four who has found a sugar daddy.  I’m hoping to help him run out of sugar quite soon.

The other thing she said that really resonated was I am the one that kept him grounded.  She had already told me how there were a lot of red flags for her when I told her my story.  She then mentioned that he has this nice little fantasy life going on and once things crumble she’s not sure he’s going to be able to keep it together.  She is very worried that he will end up having a complete breakdown and lose his job.  As she put it (and I’m going to paraphrase here):  When things come crashing down you’re not going to be there to help put them back together this time.  And I have a feeling you were that person- you kept it all going, even if he refuses to acknowledge it.  Again, I have to pump my fist and shout, “Yes!”

I was indeed that person.  I don’t think he has any idea how much bullshit I put up with in order to keep things going.  I took care of the house, the pets, the kids, him.  I cooked.  I cleaned.  I did his laundry.  The man never had to put away his own clothes for crying out loud!  I washed them, dried them, folded them, and put them away!  He never had to wash a dish.  He was the pampered king.  When he would freak out over something small and insignificant I was the one being the soothing voice of reason.  I was the one who would take charge, make the phone calls, get the job done, and interact with the people.  When he got sick I was the one taking care of him, calling the doctor’s office, taking him to the doctor’s or the ER, sitting with him, running interference for him.  In short, I was awesome.  He no longer has me around to do all of those things.  I can’t be certain but I have a definite feeling that Harley is not going to do those things either.  She’s in it for the money, the good times, the attention.  She is not going to be eager to deal with the real him and she’s certainly not going to be standing by him if he ever loses his job and spirals down into a heap of self pity.

So now in addition to being left after twenty plus years, abandoned in a new town that he insisted we move to, him deserting his two children, and him quitting his job and moving out of state I also get to wait for the inevitable breakdown.  I’ve gotta be honest here.  I’m kinda looking forward to it on the one hand.  On the other hand, he’s not going to be of any use to me in a psych ward, or as an alcoholic who can’t keep a job.  It’s a real quandary, I tell you.  I’d love to see him suffer (hey, I’m only human!) but I’m beginning to think that if he suffers the kids and I will suffer as well.  What to do…. What to do….