The Pursuit Of Happiness Fallacy

What seems like eons ago, when in reality it was back in June, there was an article posted on Huffington Post about two wing nuts that got together through their mutual love of the Oregon Country Fair, or “Fair”, as the “family” knows it. Tracy Schorn UBT’d it over on Chump Lady and Jennifer Ball posted about it on her Happy Hausfrau Facebook page.

The quick recap: “Ruby” and Paul spent 16 years working “Fair” in Oregon. One day, while peeling potatoes the feelz hit ‘em real hard and they realized they were destined to be together. While his wife and kids were away on vacation Paul invited Ruby over for a “picnic”. They spent the week together navel gazing and justifying their behavior. It was a love that could not be denied. When his wife came back into town he told her he was leaving her for another woman and Ruby left her husband as well. Ruby was simply stunned that her ex-husband didn’t chase after her, begging for another chance, and was equally shocked that Paul’s ex-wife didn’t bow out without a fight. I’m pretty sure if I remember correctly they are now married (going on 4 years of blissful happiness) and own a pot farm.

Even more vomit worthy than the article were the comments. These are just a few of the stand out gems:

Love isn’t ownership. I’ve walked and I’ve had others walk. Learn and grow and move on. Stop blaming people for loving someone.

Good on them. No point continuing a BS relationship just to conform to everyone else’s BS relationships/marriages. Life’s too short and too long to live a lie just to please church goers. Obviously they’re against real love anyway.

In response to someone saying that people who cheat on their spouses have a character flaw: We all have character flaws. People who stay in a loveless marriage also have a character flaw. They keep their spouse from meeting someone who will love them.

Yes, it’s a kick in the teeth when your spouse says they’ve fallen in love with someone else, and hard for the kids to deal with two homes, new step-parents, etc. But I can’t think of anything worse than reaching old age, the kids gone with lives of their own, moved to other states even, only to call on holidays and birthdays, and you being stuck immobile or infirm as time ravages your body, depending on someone you don’t love, haven’t loved in a long time, are disappointed with and sad to be around, and knowing you could have been happy, could have actually had a life worth living, years of love, sharing, fulfilling companionship, etc. and missed your chance.

Don’t stay somewhere you are not happy, life is too short! People like to pass judgement based on their own fears and insecurities. Let people live!

…way too many people stay in miserable marriages and hate their lives. Glad they’re happy.

People that are brave enough to admit their faults, their choices, their lives, always get very “righteous” people judging them… you could see that both of them were unhappy in their marriages before they “found each other”.Are people supposed to live a mediocre and unhappy life forever because of what looks good for society rules? No. I don’t think so.

Wow, so much hate because someone fell in love with another person and left a toxic situation.

Life is short, some people will stay miserable to “do the right thing” and never really live a happy life which is ok… but it’s also ok to make the decision to find happiness.

My husband left me for a younger woman. I’m happy for them. My 10 year marriage was unhappy. He wasn’t happy. I let him go be happy. It’s the mature thing to do.

They are both adults who made a questionable decision, but I’m sure all involved are better off, No one deserves to live unhappily ever after because of their “responsibility” to someone else’s feelings.

Let me remind you what Thoreau said:

To paraphrase Rock Star, “I. cannot. even. with all of those asinine comments.”

I love how everyone believes that if you’re in a toxic relationship you’re entitled to cheat. God forbid you realize you’re in a bad situation and actually get the fuck out without having someone else waiting on you.

Wait a second! Are you telling me I can actually end a relationship before I have another one waiting in the wings? I can leave someone who makes me unhappy and sucks the life right out of me even if I don’t have another person I’m going to immediately be involved with?

Yes! Yes, that is exactly what I’m saying!

Then why in the fuck didn’t they tell me that? I’ve been stuck in this miserable relationship for the last ten years because I didn’t have time to set up a Tinder profile! Or volunteer at Fair.

I don’t know what to tell you, Sparky. You’ve always had the option of leaving. This remains a free country and more importantly, divorce is legal.

Quick question. Who will have sex with me once I kick my spouse/partner to the curb? Who will hold my hand while I go through this divorce? Who will tell me how awesome I am and how horrible my spouse was? And who’s going to pitch in and do all the things my spouse used to do?

Ah, that is the kicker, isn’t it? It’s not that these cheaters don’t realize they can leave a toxic relationship; it’s that they’re lazy. They don’t want to leave until they’ve got the replacement lined up.

Look, I don’t think anyone advocates staying in a miserable marriage. I know I don’t. I’ve always said you’ve got a couple of choices. The two good choices would be you can try to fix it or you can end it. The two bad choices would be you cheat on your spouse under the guise of unhappiness or toxicity, or you suffer through it for years on end.

About that so-called unhappy/toxic relationship. Cheaters lie. Mine lied a lot. It’s amazing to me how many people who have been cheated on talk of their cheaters telling them how much they loved them, how they couldn’t live without them, how these had been the best fill-in-the-blank years of their lives, how they were the love of their life, they were their rock and salvation, and sunshine shot out of their asses.

Hell, even ol’ Jerry Lee claimed that I was his rock. My family was his only real family. He wanted to renew vows. He wanted to have another baby with me so I couldn’t leave him.

A year later I was a mentally abusive spouse who never supported him and hadn’t had sex with him in ten years.

The story has to change when they start doing shitty things. It excuses the shitty things they’re doing.

So many of them focus on “ownership” and not staying if you’re unhappy. I truly don’t think most people think any of this through. We’re not talking about a summer romance here. We’re not talking about a couple who has dated a year or two. We’re talking about, in this case in particular, two people who were married to other people. They made plans with each other. They bought houses. They may have moved across the country. In one case they had two children together. The time to figure out the relationship is not working for you is before you get married and certainly before you bring children into it.

And again, I’m not advocating staying in a loveless or toxic relationship but, Jesus Christ, could maybe someone put a little effort into maintaining their current relationship, the one that did produce those children, before they decide the potato peeler is the new love of their life? I think the innocent children in these situations deserve a little bit more than, “Golly, I just wasn’t happy. Mommy didn’t support me quitting my full-time job and becoming a pot farmer.” Grow the fuck up! It is not just about you anymore.

That seems to be the popular refrain. You’ve got two choices. You either wait out a miserable life being trapped in an unhappy relationship or you cheat on your spouse and get the hell out. Repairing your current relationship never seems to be a solution. What an antiquated idea!

I loved the one that posited, “I’m sure they’re all better off. No one deserves to live unhappily ever after because of their responsibility to someone else’s feelings.”

What kind of bullshit minimizing is that? It’s a marriage. It’s a legally binding relationship. If he’s in the hospital, as his wife I will be the one deciding whether to pull the plug or not. Our lives are entwined. Our money is combined, I’m taking care of his children. I’m keeping his house and doing his laundry. Do not reduce it to some kind of half baked responsibility to my feelings. No, I’ve created a life with this person. We have made plans for our future. When he decides he no longer has a responsibility to my fucking feelings he’s not just hurting my fee fees he’s fucking with my life.

How does this person know that everyone is better off? Maybe the kids have psychological problems stemming from this. Maybe his ex-wife is struggling to keep a roof over her kids’ heads. Maybe she’s working two or three jobs to keep afloat. Maybe his ex-wife was a depressed, suicidal mess for months, if not years, after this happened and his kids were barely being taken care of because their mother was unable to function. This idea that everyone magically pairs up with someone new and has this fantastic life now is magical thinking designed to excuse people like this.

Look at Jennifer Ball. She’s lived just above the poverty line ever since her husband left. She raised four kids on her own. The jackass ex was rarely around. He was far too busy with his ho-worker and their two new spawn. Is she better off? I think she would tell you that she’s happy and counts her blessings, but better off? I don’t think so.

I’m going to have to invoke my John Walsh analogy one more time. He’s got a lucrative career on television because of what happened to his sweet little boy, Adam. Had he never been kidnapped and murdered John never would have done the work he’s done with missing children or going after wanted fugitives. But I think anyone would have a hard time arguing, “Oh, he’s better off.” Quite honestly, I think anyone stupid enough to say that to him deserves a punch to the throat.

I also appreciated the person who declared that, yes, it is a kick in the teeth to get dumped, and golly, it’s probably hard on the kids to deal with a change in their lifestyle, two different homes, and potential step-families, but gee whiz, wouldn’t it suck to get to old age and realize you’re with someone you don’t want to be with.

Yes, it’s slightly disappointing when you find out you’re being cheated on and deceived. It kinda sucks when you have to return to the workforce after being a stay at home mom for 15 years and you don’t get paid enough to actually support your kids and have a home of your own. 

Sure, the kids do sometimes struggle. I mean, I’ve got one who now thinks he shouldn’t have to even complete high school because it’s pointless and another one who calls me up crying because her anxiety is out of control. They both suffer from anxiety but one gets stressed and cries, and the other finds it difficult to reach out for help and fails school. Neither one of the kids dealt with anxiety or depression when their father and I were together but hey, if one of them winds up killing themselves it’s worth it so long as their dad is happy, right? The kids are collateral damage. Don’t get too attached.

Yes, the real travesty isn’t one parent living in poverty or kids having anxiety attacks or lives being upended. The real travesty is finding out after the kids have left home that you are in a loveless relationship and you were too much of a chicken shit to actually do anything to improve your relationship, or to end it the correct way.

I think my favorite comment though was the one who said that people in loveless marriages have a character flaw because they are keeping their spouse from meeting someone who will love them.

What the what? First of all, maybe the spouse in the loveless marriage doesn’t think they’re in a loveless marriage. Maybe they think they’re in a very happy marriage. Second of all, if you’re both in a loveless marriage, but only one person goes off and cheats while the other person remains faithful, why in the fuck is it the faithful partner’s responsibility to get out of the marriage? Oh, I’m sorry. Why is it their responsibility to make sure their spouse finds someone who will love them? I would think it would behoove the person who can’t keep it in their pants to get out of the marriage before it comes to that.

That whole comment is just one big mindfuck.

Oh, your partner cheated on you? That’s not a big deal. Move on and get over it.

Oh, you stayed in a loveless marriage but didn’t cheat? You horrible person! How can you keep your wonderful spouse from finding love? I hope you rot in hell!

I’m going to say it one more time. I’m not against ending an unhappy marriage. Hell, I would advocate for ending unhappy relationships far sooner than most of us do. Most of us who stay, even when things aren’t going great, do so for good intentions. We do it  because we want what’s best for our kids. We believe in commitment and working through the hard times. We think about things other than ourselves and our own happiness. We regularly put others ahead of ourselves. 

I will, however, take issue with someone cheating on their spouse and then excusing it by saying, “I wasn’t happy.” That’s entitlement and crappy character, not a search for happiness. It’s about selfish people putting their own wants and desires ahead of everyone else.

A Word About Being Angry

Fellow blogger, Reformed Cad, just gave me a shout out on his blog. It was a very nicely done post and I very much appreciated it. I always like it when people take the time to reblog something I’ve written, or take the time to tell others about my blog. I think he has a closed blog so I’m not going to try to link to it. If he comes over and says it’s open to the public I’ll link to it, or he can link to it in the comments.

I am, however, going to quibble with one thing he says. She is angry. And if you read her journal it becomes obvious why.

Let the record (or blog) show I am not angry. It always baffles me when people say things like that because I think I keep it pretty light hearted when it comes to my situation. I think if you asked my mother she would tell you I didn’t get angry enough. I did indeed get dealt a shitty hand.; however, it’s better than what some other people are dealt. He didn’t attempt to poison me (as far as I know). He didn’t try to pay someone to take me out. He didn’t get physically violent with me once the divorce began. He didn’t kidnap and kill my children. He didn’t threaten me with a weapon or set me up for a domestic violence charge. He didn’t leave me after I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease. He didn’t leave me with a nasty STD. And yes, I realize those are the extreme situations, but I’ve heard every one of those over on Chump Lady except the one about paying someone to kill me. I got that one off of ID TV, where it happens quite regularly.

He also didn’t fight me for custody of our children. Granted, that would have been a tough sell seeing as how he moved approximately 300 miles away from them and left them behind, but I know that others are having to fight for custody even when the only reason the ex is fighting is to reduce or eliminate child support.

And, while he did indeed cheat again I only lost two years of my life “wreck-onciling” with him, instead of five, or ten or twenty.

I know that I have written a lot about all that my kids and I have lost. That’s a fact. It has nothing to do with anger. He screwed us. We invested everything into this new life he said he so desperately wanted. He threw it away, and in the process the kids and I lost our home and were forced to move. Fact.

With my daughter graduating recently I was continually reminded of everything that we lost. Again, that’s a fact. It happened, and no matter how happy I pretend to be about everything that was lost, it doesn’t change that.

That’s not anger. If anything it’s sadness. Sadness that my kids had to go through that because of their dad and his crappy decisions.

I wrote the other day about the triggers that still come. It’s not anger. It’s continuing to mourn the life I had. Imagine spending twenty years with someone, living a certain kind of life, and then one day having that ripped away from you. I defy anyone to say it would be no big deal. It’s one thing to decide you are going to make big changes. It is a completely different animal when those changes are made for you.

Even when you’ve accepted that life is gone you still mourn at times. There are still things that smack you in the face and cause you to feel that loss. I’m not angry. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that the life I lived for twenty years is gone, and that it was all a lie.

Do I continue to write about CF? Sure, I do. He keeps doing shitty things. I mostly shrug it all off. Nothing he says or does really angers me. Well, except for the fact that he has yet to acknowledge he has a son. That does piss me off. But the shit he says whenever he has to pay me? That’s comedy fodder for my blog. I give him about as much importance as I would a two year old throwing a tantrum.

I did ask my mom if I seemed angry because, as I said, it always perplexes me when people give me that label. She was pretty quick to answer. “No, you just call bullshit when you see it.”

That’s a pretty good explanation. I’m not angry or bitter about my situation. I continue to write because it does make me angry when I hear stories of others who are going through this same thing. It makes me angry when I hear about a spouse who is so desperate to keep a marriage together that they accept bullshit excuses and tolerate the so called “trickle truth” and evasion of questions. I know what I went through; I hate to see others go through that same thing. If I can be a sane voice out there asking, “Is this acceptable to you?” and leading someone through the dark I’ll keep writing.

As Chump Lady reminds her audience over and over, there are many avenues for those who want to reconcile. She is pretty much the only voice that tells people it’s not their fault their spouse cheated and there is a better life out there without a cheater. I don’t go so far as to encourage people to leave; I think that’s an individual choice and everyone has their reasons for staying or going. I will, however, point out when the cheater is blowing smoke up your ass. I’ll tear apart all the psycho-babble explanations for why people do the heinous things they do, and I’ll mock the “affair-y tale” love stories that mistresses share on a regular basis.

I will also never accept the idea that both parties had a part to play in an affair. Both of you were in the same marriage. Only one person cheated. I fully agree with Chump Lady when she says that you may have been the worst spouse on the planet; you may have truly, truly sucked. But you did not deserve to be cheated on and you did not cause your spouse to cheat.

Furthermore, I’m not one who believes you need to be a martyr for the sake of your children. You don’t need to celebrate birthdays with the cheating ex and the new spouse, or go on “family” outings, or look after your ex if they get sick. Your kids will survive even if you’re not pretending that the other parent is the best-est person in the whole wide world.

I’m willing to tell people you don’t have to, and in fact shouldn’t, gaslight your children. Tell them the truth in age appropriate terms. It’s not your job to be your cheating ex’s PR agent. If they didn’t want their kids to know they were lying cheaters maybe they shouldn’t have been lying and cheating. Nothing good ever comes from hiding the truth. It will always come back and bite you in the ass one way or another.

I let people know they don’t have to be friends with the ex. If that’s something you want I think you’re a little bit crazy, but okay. If it works for you more power to you. However, I refuse to perpetuate this idea that’s the way it should be. When you’re dealing with adultery you’re dealing with a person who lied to you and betrayed you. They were supposed to have your back and instead they stabbed you in it. Welcome home, Michael Myers! As Chump Lady always asks, “Would you be friends with the guy who mugged you?” No? OK, then why are you trying to maintain a friendship with someone who essentially mugged your life?

I advocate gaining a support system and leaning on them, instead of relying on someone who betrayed and abandoned you. Even in so-called “good” divorces I advocate for that because you never know how things are going to change once your ex partners up again.

I believe that no contact is a wonderful thing.

I believe that you can focus on gaining a better life without the person who cheated on you and hurt you while still remembering exactly who they are and what they did. Getting on with my life and living a much better life than the one I had with him does not equal forgiving him.

I don’t think that’s being angry. I think that’s using common sense and speaking the truth.

More Advice From Mort

Oh, Mort; you’ve gotta love him. The mobster googled him and apparently for a mere $775/hour you can see him in person for counseling. If you want the intensive in-home counseling though you’ll have to shell out $8500/day plus travel expenses.

I told the mobster I was going into business for myself. For a bargain price of $5000/day I will follow you around and slap you upside the head whenever you start to feel pity for your cheater. I will research the hell out of Chump Lady blogs and give you snarky, sane advice. I will tell you that you deserve better and try to compel you to look at the reasons you’re willing to settle for so little. I’ll regal you with stories of how life can be so much better without a cheater. I’ll tell you that you can do this, that you are mighty, that you can overcome all obstacles. I’ll hopefully get you to realize there are no such things as personality transplants, and that the person you’re leaving is not a good person if they could do these things to you. If you wish to do this over the phone? $225/hour. Same price for in person counseling sessions. I figure I have as much experience and training as good ol’ Mort so why not?

Alas, the problem is no one wants to hear my message. They all want to believe that it can be fixed and that there is a magic formula to save every marriage. No one wants to hear that their partner is an entitled nitwit. They don’t want to be told that they are doing all the work while the spouse who should be doing the work is sitting back watching you dance.

They want to be told that deep down the cheating spouse is a good person. They’re suffering from toxic shame. They’re in a fog or suffering a midlife crisis. That “hurt people hurt people”. They have FOO issues. They don’t trust. They’re afraid of being vulnerable. They need your 100% guarantee that if they agree to give up the side piece you’ll promise not to leave (and to never bring up the affair again either).

That’s where Mort comes in. Listen to him and he guarantees that your marriage will be restored and you’ll be more in love than ever, or your money back.

I’ll give you his tips for free, but not without a bit of added snark.

1. Don’t spy! Spying is bad; cheating not so much. According to Mort, spying is another form of betrayal. <gasp> Yes, spying is just like fucking another person behind your spouse’s back. They are exactly the same. It is, as he likes to call it, a violation of trust. You know what violates your trust, Mort?  Being moved 2000 miles across the damn country so your husband can get closer to his whore cousin! Having your husband try to get you to send naked pictures while he’s with his whore cousin. Showing other people naked pictures he’s taken of you while you were asleep. Telling you that he’s sending his mom money every week when the reality is he’s sending Harley the Whore money. Letting you get online and pay his whore’s cell phone bill. Those are violations of trust. Checking phones, hacking into emails, following a spouse, or plotting to put a voice activated recorder in cars pales in comparison. Not to mention those actions are all taken due to the mindfuck the betrayed spouse is living through. He urges you “not to go there” because you’ll just add to the distrust in the marriage and make matters worse. Yes, trying to get honest answers is the root of all evil. Few marriages can withstand that. Remember folks, it’s not the cheating that is the problem. It is uncovering the cheating that is the problem. Maintain your decency and integrity, chump! Okay, he didn’t call you a chump; I did. But it’s the same damn thing. Eat that shit sundae and smile while you’re doing it! You’re the better person!
2. Hang in there! Put your life on hold! The vast majority of affairs end within a year, he tells us.  You’ve got nothing better to do than to wait out the affair partner. The affair will die. And surely there will never be another one. Don’t make an impulsive decision. Don’t impose consequences. Don’t think about yourself and what you deserve. Hang in there until the affair runs its natural course. Because again, you’ve got nothing better to do than to wait for your unfaithful spouse to wake up and come back to you. Your needs don’t matter. You don’t matter. Only the cheater matters. He goes on to advise that after the affair dies maybe you and your spouse might see your marriage and your future differently. Yep, I’m sure the cheater is thinking, “Holy shit! I can’t believe I almost had to do all this shit on my own!  Who would have done my dishes? Who would have done my laundry? Who would have cooked for me? Who would have contributed to the bank account? Who would have taken care of the kids? I don’t want to be alone. I need somebody to be here to take care of me and make my life easy. Plus… sex.
3. Kill ‘em with kindness. I like the way you’re thinking I just don’t like your technique. I was thinking more along the lines of a crowbar… Mort realizes the cheater doesn’t deserve it but offers up this gem: If you want to spoil his (or her) affair and turn your marriage around, don’t treat your spouse the way he treats you; treat your spouse the way you want him to treat you. He believes that the cheating spouse wants the betrayed spouse to leave them alone so they feel “emotionally free” to philander, but when you extend kindness it tugs on their conscience and ruins their justification for betraying you. No, Mort, no it doesn’t. That is not how this works. Cheaters cheat because they can. They feel entitled to cheat and they have crappy character. They look at kindness as a weakness. You tell your cheating spouse that nothing they do will ever make you stop loving them and they’ll kick you even harder. They are never thinking about you; they think about themselves. They love nothing more than being central. They fuck around and you dance as fast as you can to try to entice them back. It is one huge platter of cake to them.
4. Seduce ‘em. Oh brother. He does say that no one should do anything sexually they don’t want to. I want to make that clear before I tear him a new one. He goes on to offer this useful nugget: …it’s helpful to rev up the sexual part of your relationship. Your friend may have told you, “Don’t let him have his cake and eat it too.” Yeah, you’ll feel vindicated withholding sex. But what will that accomplish? Perhaps they will preserve their dignity? Then again, who cares about your dignity when you’re fighting for your man (or woman)? It’s punitive; it’s not healing. Um, excuse me, but not having sex with someone who clearly has no respect for you and who has more than likely been gas lighting and lying to you for God only knows how long is not punitive. It’s common sense. Obviously if the cheated on spouse wishes to have sex, feel free, but how dare you try to shame someone into fucking their lying, cheating spouse? Show her (or him) what she (or he) will be missing if he takes his business elsewhere. Ah, the ol’ pick me dance performed on your back. Or your knees. Or cowgirl style. Hey, my mother isn’t the only one with a dirty mouth.

What do I know? My husband cheated and I didn’t follow Mort’s brilliant advice and now I’m divorced. Would I still be married if I had followed it? Pretended everything was fine? Seduced him on a regular basis? Never checked his phone?  I doubt it. What he wanted was total annihilation of the past. Don’t ever bring it up. Don’t ever let it affect you. Be grateful that I, cheating, lying CF, gave you a second chance. Be grateful that I chose you, Sam, over the cunt face cum dumpster.

I feel that I did do a lot of what Mort suggests. I listened with an open mind. I made changes and gave him what he said he wanted. All the changes were on my end, though; none on his. After October of 2013, a mere two months after finding out he had sniffed her out again and had been carrying on with her all summer long, I didn’t bring it up again until we were ready to move and he tried to keep me off the deed to our new house in Virginia. But that wasn’t enough for him. I wasn’t allowed to have any feelings about his affair with her. I was supposed to grant immediate forgiveness to everyone in his family, despite the fact that none of them asked for it, and none of them cut ties with her. And God forbid I have a bad day!

That brings me to my final point. Perhaps the real question isn’t whether or not I would still be married if I had followed Mort’s advice. The real question is whether or not I’m better off now without him. The answer to that is a resounding YES!

Warning: Unapologetic happy photos ahead.

How could I not be madly in love with someone who writes love letters on the sidewalk?

My new favorite, I think.

 

Yes, maybe I could have kept my lying, cheating husband if I had followed Mort’s advice; but then I would have missed out on all of this.

The Myth of the Sexless Marriage

I was reading a conversation over on DC Urban Moms and Dads. The original poster asked why on earth anyone would recommend Chump Lady’s site because she was so bitter, angry and negative. Several people patiently pointed out that anger is useful to get you through the initial phase of being discarded and accepting what you married. Others pointed out her tag line is: Leave a cheater, gain a life. She’s not into the reconciliation business. Eventually it meandered over into the fact that men NEED sex and that most people who cheat do so because of sexless marriages.

Well, of course they do! It couldn’t be the fact that the person has bad character. It couldn’t be the fact that the cheater lacks impulse control, or feels entitled to anything he or she desires. It couldn’t be the fact that they act like toddlers, throwing a tantrum anytime things don’t go their way. It can’t be that they are needy and clingy and are bottomless pits of need. No, it must be because their spouses (wives usually) have cut them off from sex, forcing them to cheat. They wouldn’t do this awful thing if the “refusing” spouse would simply hop into bed and participate. This is not their fault! It’s the cheated on spouse’s fault!

Why not divorce? Coz reasons! It’s no fair that if my wife cuts me off from sex and I believe that’s a deal breaker then I have to be a grown up and make hard choices. One person even put it like this:

I’m not comfortable defending the position of a cheater but…

A wife who unilaterally chooses to be sexless gives her husband a Hobson’s choice. Either cheat or divorce, and along with divorce comes a free raping by the divorce court. Losing their kids, their house, half their stuff and the added bonus of continuing to pay the person who caused this for the rest of their life. That’s a ridiculous choice to have to make. So in that case, cheating is not a wholly unreasonable solution.

A wife whose husband has become sexless can make a legitimate choice to divorce with limited negative consequences, so there is no excuse for them to cheat.

Oy. And vey. Dramatic much?

A wife who unilaterally chooses to be sexless gives her husband a Hobson’s choice.

First of all, who are these wives this person speaks of who entirely cut their husbands off? There is a difference between, “I want to have sex six times a week but my spouse will only give it up twice,” vs. “I haven’t had sex in five years.” Not to mention, cheaters lie. It’s what they do.

CF will tell anyone who will listen that we hadn’t had sex in ten years. That is an outright lie. He will also tell people he is an Army Ranger. That is another outright lie. He lies. It’s what he does. I feel like I’m in a fucking Geico commercial!

In addition, the only spouses I’ve ever heard of who cut their spouse off sexually were the cheaters! They did it to maintain control. Meanwhile, they were out there screwing anything that moved.

Either cheat or divorce, and along with divorce comes a free raping by the divorce court. Losing their kids, their house, half their stuff…

Secondly, if you do even the tiniest bit of research you will find that it is generally women who pay the greatest price when it comes to divorce. Hell, I know I got a great deal compared to some people but my standard of living is still far, far below what it was. I will again remind the reading audience that while CF is indeed paying out in excess of 60% of his paycheck to me, he’s doing so because he refuses to leave his sweetie behind to find a better paying job. He was imputed at his previous wages. Even with a ten month gap in employment and being basically fired for drinking on the job, he managed to get a $100,000/year job. I finally got one for $11/hour. He lives in a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom 3000 sq. foot home which looks eerily like our old home in Virginia, with a community pool and a community clubhouse. I live with my mother, have no bedroom to call my own, and sleep on the couch.

Sure, there are stories of women who take their husbands to the cleaners. The ironic part? They’re usually the ones cheating. I know far more women who have been left destitute after a divorce.

…and the added bonus of continuing to pay the person who caused this for the rest of their life.

I’m pretty sure CF must have written this. Yet another person lamenting having to pay “for the rest of their life.” No, it’s not the rest of their life. In many states they pay nothing aside from child support! Child support ends at some point. Spousal support ends at some point. In my case it will end in 16 years. That is hardly “the rest of his life”.

I loved this though: So in that case, cheating is not a wholly unreasonable solution.

A wife whose husband has become sexless can make a legitimate choice to divorce with limited negative consequences, so there is no excuse for them to cheat.

Nice! So men are forced to cheat because otherwise they may have to give up some of their stuff. Women, on the other hand, never have an excuse to cheat.

It’s too bad some of these people never grew up. If they had they would understand that sometimes doing the right thing isn’t easy. They would understand that on occasion you get to choose between two shitty things. These poor babies just assume the fact that divorcing comes with consequences they don’t want to face means they should be excused for cheating.

Could we please stop acting like women (or whoever is withholding) have all the power? It’s not like a stay at home mom who is “refusing” to have sex has nothing to lose if her husband leaves her. Many states start with 50/50 custody so she stands to lose her kids. Even if she has primary custody she still misses out on weekends and holidays with her kids. A woman who divorces may find her children being raised by another woman. After reading a Mom vs. Stepmom debate board for over ten years it seems to me that women are much more territorial when it comes to the children. Many states have no alimony, so even if she does get custody of the kids, she won’t be receiving it any longer than 18 years and it will go down as each child ages out. Her chances of finding a job where she makes as much money as her husband are fairly low unless her degree is in something that will remain current- think nursing. I’ve known women who were teachers, IT professionals, and accountants who struggled going back into the workforce after years of staying home with children. If she was already working then he’s not going to end up paying her alimony anyway, if they live in a state that awards it, unless he makes significantly more than her. And, if their salaries are very similar he might not end up paying her much in child support either- probably none at all if custody is 50/50.

It’s all a narrative to justify cheating. Those trying the hardest to justify it keep referring to the “refuser” in the relationship and how that person is the one who first broke vows. Apparently, one of the vows you make when you get married is to have sex on demand. If that vow isn’t met then the other spouse is justified in cheating, or so their theory goes.

Even when it’s pointed out that if that is indeed happening then both parties know they are not having sex. The person being refused sex is not left in the dark. When the other person decides to go outside of the marriage both parties are not aware of it. When that is pointed out, and divorce is offered up as the responsible response to such a situation (not getting all the sex you deserve) they once again chime in with, “But… consequences! Why should I suffer any consequences for any of my decisions? I have to cheat. I deserve to cheat because they won’t do what I want them, no NEED them, to do.” They are nothing but big ol’ cake eaters.

Here’s another truth. It’s not about the sex. If he’s getting it twelve times a week at home then he’ll complain that she won’t do anal, or oral, or some other thing. Or it’s that she won’t do a threesome or let him watch her have sex with another guy, or participate in a gang bang, or agree to an open marriage, or participate in S&M. Look at the swinger from last week. He and his wife are having sex upwards of five times a week and he wants to be able fuck strange on the side. His complaint about his first wife wasn’t simply that she only wanted sex a few times a month. It was also about the fact that she wasn’t willing to indulge his other fantasies.

If you read Chump Lady you will hear that narrative over and over: I had plenty of sex with my husband, but he went looking for other sources because I wouldn’t… (fill in the blank).

People don’t cheat because they’re in sexless marriages. I would be willing to bet that most of them who make that claim aren’t even in sexless marriages. They cheat because they feel entitled to cheat. They cheat because they want to eat cake, as Chump Lady would say. They cheat because nothing is ever enough for them and no amount of groveling and catering to them will ever make them happy or satisfied. They always demand more. They cheat because they don’t want to have to do the hard work of filing for divorce and going through everything that entails. It’s far easier to keep your spouse and some strange on the side, than it is to be honest and do the hard thing. They cheat because they have convinced themselves that it’s YOUR fault. You’ve made them do this; the poor lambs didn’t have a choice.

Don’t fall for the narrative, folks. People with an ounce of common sense don’t ask what the rape victim could have done to prevent the rapist from raping her/him. People with an ounce of common sense don’t tell the battered spouse, “If only you would do (fill in the blank),” or “If you wouldn’t do (fill in the blank) your spouse wouldn’t be driven to abuse you.” People with an ounce of common sense should also realize no one makes another person cheat. It’s a damn choice. Own it!

#riseup

It Is Time

I’ve been mulling this idea over for a few months now. I know I write an awful lot about my own circumstances, especially since my life took such a drastic turn back in 2016. When I started this blog I really wanted to expand beyond my own situation and offer some sane advice to others who are dealing with this, whether they are in the discovery phase, the reconciliation phase, or in the middle of a divorce. I was reading Chump Lady one day and she said something to the effect of, “I’m only one voice. I can’t do this by myself.” And this gave me hope because I do want to add my voice to hopefully turn the tide on how we look at infidelity. It kills me when I read blogs by people who are going through this, hoping to reconcile, and their spouses are being absolute shits, refusing to give them answers, treating them like crap, blaming them. I want to scream out, “It’s not your fault!” I want to tell them cheating is an entitlement issue, a character issue. I want to point out that if sad little spouse cheated because he/she was unhappy, you were in the same marriage and yet you didn’t cheat. How could that be? I want to tell the cheated on spouse all about the blame shifting mindset of, “It’s not what I did; it’s your reaction to it.” I want to point out all their false equivalencies. Yeah, I cheated. But YOU never put the lid back on the ketchup. You never wanted to play golf. You snored. Or even better, the sneering, “Oh, you’re so perfect. Sorry I’m not perfect like you!”

Really what I would like to see, what I hope eventually happens in all this claptrap of open marriages and polyamory and how humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, is to see people no longer tolerate infidelity. I’d like to believe that the tide will shift, like it shifted for domestic abuse and rape.

I know; I know. Neither of those examples are without fault. There are still travesties of justice. But as a whole we no longer tsk tsk and ask what the wife did to make her husband so mad. We don’t ask her to take responsibility for him shoving her down a flight of stairs or knocking her head into the wall or punching her. It is not perfect yet, and there will always be those who excuse it, but we are less and less likely to put the onus on the abused spouse.

Similarly while examples abound in the news of men getting a slap on the wrist we are making strides in getting the message out there that rape is not about sex. It’s about power. It’s about having control over another person. It’s not because a girl wore a short skirt or had too much to drink. Hell, men get raped as well. We are putting the responsibility back on the person who is actually committing the act, and not asking the person who was violated to take responsibility for that person’s behavior.

There is a woman on another board I frequently read and she does not like the idea of self-defense classes for women at college. She thinks it puts the responsibility on the female to not get raped. And yet this same woman has said about cheating, “It’s a symptom, not the disease. It is an indication of a problem in the marriage.” She would never dream of telling a young college girl that it was her fault she got raped, but she has no problem with distributing the blame in a marriage when one part of that couple cheats.

I have hope that one day instead of blaming the betrayed spouse we put the blame where it belongs- on the person who cheated. I have hope that one day we won’t ask what the spouse did to cause their partner to stray. We won’t look at the woman who has gained weight since the wedding day and cluck disapprovingly, “Well no wonder he cheated; she let herself go!” As I’ve pointed out many times beautiful, thin women get cheated on all the time.

I want to believe as more voices start rising up that we will combat this insane idea that only those who are “perfect” don’t cheat. Or that being unhappy entitles a person to destroy their spouse.

I long to see the day where people recognize that cheating is an entitlement problem. It is a character problem. I was not a perfect spouse but I sure as hell didn’t deserve what CF did to me and our kids. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on. He had a plethora of decisions he could have made instead of cheating. You don’t need to be perfect in order to have a faithful spouse.

I have hope that people will be called out when they toss out such stupid remarks as, “Life is too short to be unhappy,” or “We live in an age where we’re not forced to remain in unhappy relationships.” Yes, by all means, seek out happiness. Don’t remain in a relationship if you are unhappy. But don’t cheat either! I’m sure it will come as a huge surprise to many cheaters out there but you can actually file for divorce without having another person in your bed! It’s crazy; I know!

When people yammer on and on about how monogamy isn’t natural I look forward to people informing those idiots that antibiotics and other medications aren’t natural either. Indoor plumbing and electricity aren’t natural. And if you want to go all, “In nature…” on me. Well… in nature a lot of nasty shit happens, like the weakest of the herd being killed off, or killing the offspring of the former alpha so the females will mate with the new alpha, or starving to death. Cheaters aren’t usually big on consequences. Then again they usually think they are the best in show and above all the rules.

I hope that one day, instead of going back to, “Infidelity is a private matter between two people,” or “Cheating is a symptom and not the disease,” people start to look at what toll infidelity takes on everyone. That is one of the reasons I was upfront about it on Facebook once the divorce was finalized.

Cheating is romanticized and minimized. But it’s not romantic and the impact it has on everyone in its wake can be devastating.

Look at the kids whose lives have been upended. Look at displaced stay at home moms who are suddenly thrust into the workforce making next to nothing. I was lucky; many states don’t have alimony. Look at men who have to paternity test their children, or who lose everything in a divorce to their cheating wife.

My kids and I lost our home thanks to my husband’s cheating. My kids were forced to change schools and move out of state. I worked two jobs to make ends meet and still didn’t have much while CF and Harley lived it up. My kids suffered. I’m no longer around and available for them like I have been in the past.

I also realize I had it easy compared to some of the stories I’ve heard. College funds drained. 401ks liquidated and spent on Schmoopie. Hundreds of thousands of dollars being spent on gifts and trips. People losing everything in their divorce- their house, their children, their business. People who have only been with one person in their entire life finding out they have an incurable STD (or even a curable one). Women losing babies or babies being put in the NICU because of STDS. In some instances lives were threatened, poisoned, and even ended. Those stories need to get out there.

I know. It’s not fun and exciting. It makes people uncomfortable. Especially if they truly believe it when we tell them it’s a character and entitlement problem because that means there is nothing they can do to prevent it from happening to them.

I want to believe that at some point we stop acting like we owe nothing to another person. So many people want to minimize cheating, want to minimize what role the affair partner plays. They want to be seen as sophisticated and edgy and nonjudgmental so when they hear of someone having an affair with a married person (or just hear of someone having an affair) they play it off as though it is no big deal. Or, you know, they didn’t owe anything to anyone.

No! You do owe it to others in society to be decent. It is not okay to fuck another person’s spouse. It is not okay to lie and deceive another person. You don’t have to owe them anything in order to not do that to them. It is a bad thing. If you are perfectly willing to fuck another person’s spouse because “you don’t owe the spouse anything; you didn’t make vows!” then you are a shitty human being. Those things need to be said. People who do crap like this need to stop being given a pass. It isn’t edgy or hip. It is destructive. It hurts people. It hurts families.

The good news is more of those so called sophisticated articles romanticizing affairs are being called out. People are pointing out that cheating is not your only option. Commenters are stressing character. They’re not buying the bogus excuses. They’re not allowing the wool to be pulled over their eyes.

Yes, I’m still going to be offering up recipes, ranting about random things, talking about my mobster, and chronicling my “adventures” with CF, but I’m also going to stick around so that I can continue to call bullshit on the people who say it’s no big deal and that it’s a marriage problem. No, it’s a character issue; it’s an entitlement issue. I’ll say it over and over again until it sticks. I’m going to continue to call bullshit on cheaters who offer up lame excuses, defend their atrocious behavior, and try to tell cheated on spouses how to behave. Yes, because if I’m going to take advice on how to improve my marriage I’m definitely going to listen to the lying cheater. What’s that? I should fetch him his slippers and draw him a bath and fuck him wildly several times a day? Tell me more! I’m going to continue to call bullshit on the mistresses who say if they had to choose they’d rather be the mistress than the betrayed wife because they get all the great parts of the relationship and none of the mundane shit, or they’re free to walk away and get on with their life while the wife has to deal with the aftermath. Or the ones who preen around, who tell everyone they’re not doing anything wrong and they don’t have a problem with being the mistress. I don’t give a crap if you didn’t make vows to me, slut-o-rama. Are you married to my husband? No? Then don’t ride his dick! I’ll continue to call bullshit on any of the dumbasses who defend them and the people who tout an open marriage as the best way to combat infidelity. When a person cheats they get off on the fact that they are deceiving their partner. They know something you don’t know! An open marriage would never fly. There’s no fun in that when you’re allowed to do it. They also certainly don’t want the other person off having a little fun of their own. Hey, that’s my spouse appliance. No one else gets to play with it. Hands off! I’ll continue to call bullshit on the reconciliation industry which preaches forgiveness at all costs, and tells a person who has just been knifed in the heart that they need to own their part in this. Fuck that! I keep going back to this: If I couldn’t make him eat a damn turnip then I don’t see how anyone thinks I could have made him be faithful.

Ultimately, I will continue to hope that more and more people join in and spread the word.

 

#ItIsTime #RiseUp

More of Poor Pitiful Zack

January 2015

Zack has been very sick (like, hospitalized sick) and has also been dealing with extreme anxiety. Lots of war issues. I noticed though that he would ask, “How can you ever forgive me? How can I make it up to you?” And I started thinking, why would I need to forgive him for what he did in war? Why would be need to make it up to me? So now I’m wondering if he was actually talking about his EA. He was in such rough shape I didn’t ask if we were still talking about the war. In my mind, though, that’s what he was asking about.

Present Day Sam Says: If I’m being honest I would like to believe that he really was struggling with believing I didn’t love him. Because that would mean he did actually love me. But in a twist of fate if that really was what happened then it’s too easy to try to take responsibility for what he ultimately chose to do.

If I believe he was psychotically depressed over the thought of losing me, that he was suicidal at the thought, then it’s too easy to me to say, “See? It’s your fault. If only you had reassured him he wouldn’t have left. If you didn’t have that alternate Facebook page then you’d still be married. YOU caused all of this! You have no one to blame except yourself!”

Here’s the thing: Regardless of whether or not he thought I would never forgive him (Newsflash: I had! I moved across the damn country for him!) the way he chose to solve this dilemma was entirely, completely and utterly wrong. He had many options and yet the one he chose was to cheat on me. He chose to confide in others who were only too eager to urge him to move on and leave me. When the cuntface cum dumpster called him he could have refused the call. He could have told me she called him. He could have been honest. That would have required some courage on his part, though, and he is sorely lacking in courage.

Likewise, if he was truly so unhappy and felt unloved and like we could never repair our relationship he could have left before he found himself a new true love. I’m so sick and tired of hearing about all these pansy ass cheaters who are “so miserable” and yet never find the “courage” to leave until they’ve got somebody else to fuck.

Yes, nothing shows conviction like tossing aside your wife or husband once you’ve encountered someone you want to nail.

Bullshit To Be Refuted

I have a board on Pinterest where I collect quotes about unfaithful husbands and lying whoring mistresses. Strangely enough, or perhaps not so strangely, mistresses have their own quotes as well, justifying their bad behavior.

I thought I’d take a stab at refuting some of this bullshit.

 

This is the biggest load of shit! Listen you dumbass, people don’t cheat because they’re not getting enough attention. They cheat because they feel entitled to cheat! Cheating is not a relationship problem which is how everyone prefers to frame it. It is a character problem. Cheaters have poor character. They have poor impulse control. They are entitled little babies who whine and whine when they don’t get their way.

If you’re not getting enough attention then use your words! And if you’re sleeping with a married man or woman and use the above to justify your behavior? You better remind yourself to always give that person plenty of attention. When you can’t keep up with the endless chasm that is their neediness they’ll replace you, too. You are not special.

 

Silly whore… if our marriage was really as bad as he lied and said it was he should have manned up and divorced me. But since this bullshit makes you feel better about fucking another woman’s husband go ahead and keep telling yourself our marriage was over or beyond fixing.

OK, this card obviously wasn’t one the other women embraced. And it says what I said above much more concisely.

The next three are in the same vein, refuting the ridiculous excuses that the other woman comes up with to justify her behavior. If I ever find any of this crap from an other man I’ll let you know.

Oh yeah! You can never get tired of hearing how the wife drove him to cheat, or how she’s a shrew, is abusive, refuses to have sex, spends all his money, treats him like shit… Funny story: One mistress was told by her lying cheater that he and his wife never had sex anymore. Imagine her surprise when the wife became pregnant. I can’t believe he lied to her!

Oh silly e-card, whores can and do try to justify it. The wife had it coming. She didn’t understand him. She didn’t treat him right. Their marriage was over. It’s okay to fuck a married man as long as he tells you he’s unhappy.

Bingo! I guess that makes too much sense and might actually involve consequences. Cheaters aren’t big on consequences.

 

Just a little disclaimer before I begin… I got this off of Pinterest so none of the names that appear are people I know.

Yeah, I’m really worried about what you are to him. As far as my children go? You are nothing to them. Oh wait! I take that back. You are the ugly, troll faced whore that their father abandoned them for. You’re the dumb bitch that thought announcing on Facebook how lonely you were when your married lover was no longer sharing your bed was a good idea. You’re the horrible person who turned around and blocked my daughter when you realized she could see right through your bullshit. You are nothing more than an evil bitch who has destroyed their lives and taken everything from them.

 

I think you’ve got this backwards. Whores don’t get respect. You being the wife of my kid’s father is not something that I need to respect. And honestly? You started fucking my husband while we were still married; you’ve never shown any respect for me.

 

I chose this one to refute because I am prettier and better than Harley. I also believe I will be alone for the rest of my life, especially considering I have no interest in dating.

Being alone doesn’t mean you’re less than just like being a pair of lying cheaters who are hooked up doesn’t mean you are more than. I think one of the biggest problems most people have is they bounce from relationship to relationship. They consider a new relationship to be the pinnacle of happiness and they never learn to be happy on their own. It’s funny because those are the people that are doomed to repeat history.

I may never have another serious relationship but I can assure everyone that I am definitely better than Harley the Whore. I don’t fuck married men. That automatically puts me ahead of her.

 

Fuck. You. When I got married I changed my name. That became my name. He did not loan it to me. It is mine. In my case I am intending on going back to my maiden name because I don’t want to be associated with his stupid ass; however, if I ultimately end up choosing to keep MY current last name that is my prerogative. I do have two children with that exact same last name currently and I’m sure that many women continue using their married name because it’s easier when you have kids.

Oh, these next few are fun!

 

Harley is not an upgrade. No woman who knowingly sleeps with a married man is an upgrade. Ever. I don’t care what she looks like, how much money she makes, how great she is in bed. She will always be a downgrade.

 

I’m not sure how the crazy bitch connects these dots. Aren’t they pretty much one and the same? I mean, if he leaves for some skank ass ho didn’t he choose her? I would also imagine that if he was willing to give up his wife for a skank ass ho then he doesn’t want his wife back. So the wife could hate the skank ass ho because her husband left her for SAH and hate her because he doesn’t want the wife back. But it’s almost impossible to hate skank ass ho because the husband doesn’t want her back without also hating her because he left her. Crazy bitch is also dumb apparently.

P.S. My guess is the wife doesn’t want him back. I know I sure as hell don’t want Cousinfucker back. Harley can gloat all she’d like because she doesn’t have a damn thing I want.

 

So much for the loving stepmom and caring friend! Now we get to the heart of the matter. Kiss step mommy’s ass because she supplies Daddy with the pussy. If Daddy ever has to choose between pussy and his kids guess who he’s choosing???? Yep, that’s right- pussy wins every time!

 

Oh whore, have you never heard of entitled cake eating fuckwits? They like a pussy smorgasbord. You are not special. He’s not with you because he doesn’t want his wife. He’s with you because you provide him with a piece of strange. If he wanted to be with you he wouldn’t still be with his wife. There! Now consider yourself clued in. Of course, you’re such a stupid, desperate bitch you’ll never believe it.

 

Wow! Classy all around. Plus proper grammar. It’s your friend.

 

Obviously I have never experienced this kind of loyalty from my in-laws but I have heard of it in other cases. Here’s the thing mistresses and subsequent wives: You can control your husband in most cases by throwing fits and making demands. You don’t, however, get to control his family. If they choose to continue a relationship with a long time member of their family then that is their choice. Just because your soul mate tossed her aside doesn’t mean that everyone in his family now must toss her aside as well. Hopefully you’re not fucking the rest of his family so they don’t really care what you think and you certainly don’t get to tell them what to do.

 

It’s not funny. It’s reality. When we love someone we overlook a lot. We make excuses. We justify behavior. When that relationship is over and the mask is finally off we have no more need to convince ourselves that the frog is actually Prince Charming.

 

Again, no whore is ever an upgrade. And if this isn’t a whore turned wife-tress situation, what self respecting woman looks at herself as an upgrade from another woman? Seriously- how old are you?

 

Oh dear God! Do these narcissistic nitwits ever stop with this nonsense? No, when you fuck another woman’s husband YOU ARE A BAD PERSON! You can tell yourself you’re “better”. You can convince yourself that she deserved it. You can call each other soul mates and speak of destiny and fate. The reality is you are a horrible person.

 

Yeah, no. They are not equal comparisons. In my case, when I forgave him, I had over 18 years invested with him. She had 3 months. We were not on equal footing. I had a home, children, pets, and an entire life with him. She had promises and future plans. She encroached on MY life. I didn’t encroach on hers. You don’t get to draw parallels between the woman who knowingly inserts herself into someone else’s relationship and the woman who is fighting to keep her family together and to save her marriage.

 

Again, no comparison. While I think I would definitely err on the side of dumping his pathetic cheating ass now I can’t and won’t fault any woman who wants to fight for her marriage. No, the side piece of a few months does not get the same kind of recognition as the wife of many years.

 

Another parallel that I hate. I have a theory. When you choose to reconcile your anger and hatred needs to go somewhere. She is a safe target for that hatred. Plus, chances are she’s never going to actually experience your wrath. Hell, Harley has remained unscathed completely through both affairs with my husband.

It’s difficult to claim you love someone while at the same time screaming at them and spewing out vile words. I also think that in cases where real reconciliation can take place that those venomous words do fly. It’s when you subconsciously realize that the cheater won’t ever be able to take it that you temper your words. So, the other woman becomes an easy target.

I’ll also say that the relationships are different. The other woman is often nobody to the wife. Maybe she knows her, but it’s generally in passing. She’s a work colleague. She’s somebody he knows from the bar or soccer or the co-ed softball team and the wife knows of her, maybe has met her once or twice, but they don’t hang out. They aren’t friends. She doesn’t usually go out of her way to apologize for her behavior. She’s nobody to the wife except the bitch that fucked her husband and isn’t one bit sorry about it.

On the other hand, the husband lives with her. Maybe he’s apologized. Maybe he’s agonizing over what he’s put her through. He’s taken the brunt of her anger. He’s listened to her and she’s yelled and screamed. And at the end of the day she lives with him. Perhaps even still loves him.

 

That’s so profound. Golly, now that I know he CHOSE to wreck our home with Harley I’ll no longer call her a home wrecker. Because…. why exactly? Is the point supposed to be that if he chose to fuck around with her she must be something special? We all know that’s not true. Just more bullshit from cheaters and their whores.

 

Yes, because divorce means never having to pay child support. These really piss me off. I’m working my ass off and I’m still barely making enough money to pay for everything that needs to be paid for. I’m entitled to child support. You don’t get to go off and fuck someone else and then just stop providing for your children because you’ve decided you want a new life.

Even when I wasn’t “working” I was still raising children. I was still paying bills. I was still doing things. I was still there for my kids. If I could make it work on what I received from child and spousal support without working outside of the home then so be it.

 

How charming! Yes, keep hitting them while they’re down. As for me I prefer: The worst day without my lying cheating shit eating chimp is still better than the best day with him.

 

Three more examples of bullshit. Again, how old are these women? I’m thinking with the way they act they are much too young to be getting married! The ex-wife must be pyscho, ugly, a bad mom, fat, and bad in bed? Oh of course! Because your soul mate would never cheat simply because he’s a lying cheater! It must be because of all the ex’s faults! And the new vagina is always an upgrade. Because nothing says classy like referring to yourself as the upgrade or snarking about how the betrayed spouse obviously had nothing to offer to a good man. Hey, little tip: Good men don’t cheat.

 

Now we’re back to: I didn’t leave for the affair partner. Honey, if he’s still married while he’s fucking you you are indeed a cheating whore. You’re welcome!

 

She’s a manipulative, lying, gold digging whore who has ripped apart their lives… oh but sorry, I don’t often even speak of her, much less badmouth her to my kids.

And that concludes bullshit that must be refuted.

Don’t Worry, Kids, This Is All Your Fault

I believe I have told the story of how Cousinfucker went into Picasso’s room after returning from his weekend fuck fest.  I had had the “privilege” of telling our kids their dad was in his home state with his girlfriend and we were going to be getting a divorce.  Oh, fun times!  Fun times!

Reminiscing aside he goes into this 13 year old boy’s room, crying, and tells him how he’s not going to deny he has a girlfriend but ever since having kids we have drifted apart.  You know how they say kids blame themselves and you should reassure them that it’s not their fault? Romeo really hit it out of the park.  He took the “It’s Completely Your Fault” approach.  Yes, had we not had those pesky kids that demanded time and attention I could have sat in the bedroom with him and watched endless amounts of A&E crap and SportsCenter scores.  I could have given him my full and undivided attention, all day every day.  He also chose to utilize the “Your Mom Wasn’t Giving Me Enough Attention” and “We Drifted Apart and Our Marriage Wasn’t Ever Very Happy” excuses to justify having an affair to his teenage son and to try to turn him against me.  Not gonna happen, Cousinfucker.  #sorrynotsorry

So, I got to thinking about this whole “drifting apart” thing.  I’ve concluded it’s a bunch of bullshit concocted by cheaters who want to excuse their boorish behavior  I don’t know if they really believe the sound of their own lies or if they’re just hoping it sounds good enough to convince the masses.  Regardless, I’m done with that excuse.

I’m also done with this idea that the affair is a symptom of what’s wrong in the marriage and not the actual disease.  If that were true why aren’t both of the people cheating?  Do the people who create this bullshit think it through?  Do they really think one person in the marriage is miserable and ripe for an affair while the other person is so deliriously happy they are farting rainbows and glitter?

Don’t even get me started on “You need to own your part and how you contributed to the problems in your marriage.”  I can sum that up quite nicely.  My contribution was forgiving the sonofabitch.  My contribution to the problems in the marriage was kissing his ass and putting up with his bullshit.  I led him to believe his egregious behavior was acceptable when it wasn’t.  That was my contribution.

I have concluded that pretty much everything I could take responsibility for leads back to him.  Not enough sex?  He kicked me out of our bed because he said he couldn’t deal with my snoring.  That wasn’t my doing.  He chose that.  Being in close proximity leads to more sex.  Chances were good that once I was banished to the couch I wasn’t going to get the kids ready for bed and then rush into the master bedroom to blow his mind and then return to the living room to watch NCIS.  Not my fault he didn’t like the consequences of sleeping apart.

We could also add the fact he’s the one that insisted our daughter sleep with us.  I tried to keep her out of the bed.  He kept sneaking her back in.  “She belongs here!” he would whine.  OK, we’ll let her sleep with us.  I voluntarily moved out of the bed when I was 7-8 months pregnant because I didn’t have enough room with him and a 2 year old in a queen size bed.  Once Picasso was born CF couldn’t sleep with him in his little bassinet in our room so once again I was banished.  Rock Star slept in the bed with CF and I slept on the daybed with the bassinet next to me so as not to disturb His Royal Highness.  A few months after Picasso was born we discovered that Rock Star was sleeping through the night and not going to the bathroom.  We bought her bunk beds and she was eager to sleep in them.  She slept in them for two days and then on the third day, Friday, her dad asked her if she wanted to sleep with him.  “I can’t go cold turkey.  She’s slept with us for two years!”  Sunday comes and she starts to get in bed with him and all of a sudden it’s, “Oh no!  I can’t have her sleeping with me tonight.  I need to get up in the morning for work and she’ll keep me up.”  Do you think she returned to her brand new bunk beds?  No, no she didn’t.  I ended up sleeping with both kids for the next 4 years.  Eventually he gave up the queen size bed and the master bedroom so the kids and I could sleep there and he moved to the downstairs bedroom.  But go ahead and blame me for that whole “drifting apart” and “never having sex” thing.  It was completely my fault.  I should have laid down with the kids, got them to sleep and then rushed right in to have sex with him and then after it was all over I could leave him to sleep all by himself where no one would disturb him and I would return to our children who had become accustomed to sleeping with their mom.  Like I said, completely my fault.

We drifted apart?  Hmmmm…. could that have had anything to do with the fact that he closed himself off in the basement, watching TV and eating dinner while I was expected to corral the young children so he could do all of that in peace?  Could it have anything to do with the fact that every time I would ask him if he wanted to join us he would decline?  I’m having a hard time taking complete responsibility for us “drifting apart” when every time I tried to pull him into our orbit he steadfastly refused.  He didn’t go with us when I visited family.  Once we moved to our former state he refused to associate with anybody whom he didn’t know.  Eventually it got to the point where he wouldn’t even socialize with co-workers.  I attended family funerals alone.  He resisted taking vacation time, saying it was twice as much work once he got back.  For some bizarre reason once we moved to our former state he decided to pretty much live in our/his bedroom.  There were a few times he ventured out, like when he got into playing a few games on the Wii, but if we didn’t immediately fawn all over him and the efforts he was making he would pout and once again retreat to the bedroom.  He pulled the same crap once we moved here.  He wouldn’t even sit on the enclosed porch or the couch in the living room.  It was too stressful for him.  He only felt “safe” in the bedroom.  Again, totally my fault if you asked him.  I didn’t love him enough.  My love was not strong enough to coax him out of the bedroom and ease him into a porch swing.

Did I spend too much time with the kids?  That’s a common complaint.  Here’s the thing about that.  One of us had to be the parent.  He pretty much abdicated that role.  If I acted the way he had acted we probably would have had our kids taken away from us due to neglect.  Instead of being a team he chose to let me do all of the work.  I did it without complaint most of the time because I figured that was simply the way we had decided to divide the household duties.  He worked and made the money and I took care of the house and the kids so that he could concentrate on his career.  Funny though how so many people manage to have a career and be a parent.  It’s truly amazing.  I don’t know how they do it. #sarcasm

He loved to use the ol’ “We’re nothing more than roommates,”  excuse.  That’s really weird because I distinctly remember telling him that since our kids were older and could be left alone for a few hours by themselves we should start having a date night.  His response?  Why would you want to do that with me?  I don’t know, dude; I really don’t know.  I guess that was my cue to beg him.  Oh please please let’s spend some time together.  Pretty please!

Any time I suggested counseling he was resistant to the idea and as I’ve recounted many times when he did go with me after being busted he didn’t really participate.  He sat there, let me do all the talking and then got pissed.

He saw himself as nothing more than a wallet and a handyman and yet he never did anything about it.  He didn’t spend a lot of time with our kids.  He bought them stuff instead.  I remember finally putting my foot down and telling the kids they would now get an allowance and once that was used up there would be no more toys because every time we went out he would let them pick something out.

Remember, too, that after my first D-Day, when I was “taking responsibility” for getting to this point he pointed out things he wished I would change and I did it.  He told me I had stopped wearing make-up and that made him feel like I didn’t care about him anymore. So I made sure to always wear make-up, even if it meant applying it (or farding) right before he got home. I wore my hair up all the time- either in a ponytail, or a ponytail twisted up into a bun.  Again, I’m sure that was proof I no longer loved him or gave a damn. But damn if I didn’t start wearing my hair down more often so he could view my long locks cascading over my shoulders.  He wished I would text him more, like the whore did because it made him feel so in touch with her and he wanted that with me now. So I did even though I hated it.  When I didn’t take the time to get manicures and pedicures it made him feel like I didn’t care- again!  This one was a Catch-22, though, because even though I did it I’m sure he now uses that to demonstrate how I wontonly spent all his money!  I want you to sleep in our bed again (and if you fall asleep on the couch that’s proof you don’t love me!).  Watch me mow the lawn!  Bring me a cool drink!  Just touch me and look at me with love in your eyes all the time!  I couldn’t have jumped any higher if I had a set of rocket boots!

The really sad part is he could be an extremely funny guy.  The kids genuinely liked spending time with him.  Some of my favorite memories are when we would all go out on Christmas Eve.  We’d go bowling, sometimes catch a movie, and eat dinner out.  Rock Star would comment how her friends all loved her dad and thought he was hilarious.  When he would finally agree to go with us he was usually a lot of fun to be around.  There were times I honestly believed he was more patient with the kids than I was.  Of course, when you’re only dealing with them a few days out of the year you always seem more patient than the parent who is dealing with them day in and day out.  He simply never bothered to show that side of himself very often.

Did we drift apart like he claims?  Possibly, although I didn’t do it on my own; he contributed to that as well.  Did we have an unhappy marriage for a long time?  I will dispute that; we struggled for a while but we were happy until the last 6 months or so.  Was he nothing more than a wallet and a paycheck?  I certainly never looked at him that way; he put himself into that role and then complained.

Don’t worry about looking inward, Zack.  I’m sure this new relationship with Harley is perfection.  What could go wrong when you have two lying cheaters get together?  No, don’t look at your own issues and your own contributions to the decline of our marriage; you go ahead and tell our kids that they are to blame.  Hell, Harley has four of them so when that relationship falls apart maybe you can blame her kids next.

What NOT To Do When You (Try To) Reconcile

I’m not sure how much information I have to offer.  I tried reconciliation the first go round.  I actually thought we had achieved that.  Apparently I was mistaken.

Choosing to reconcile or to divorce is a very personal decision.  I don’t attempt to sway anyone in either direction, but I will try to offer some helpful tips on what not to do if you’d like it to be successful (and even these things might not be enough).

1. Don’t let the cheater give you a list of things to do so that you may improve.  I think that’s probably my biggest tip.  I made it too easy on my cheater, my little shit eating chimp.  Way too easy.  He felt no shame in asking for various changes on my part. He felt quite comfortable telling me how he wanted me to text him all the time- like she did. Send me pictures- like she did.  Come sit outside and watch me as I mow the lawn.  Maybe bring me something cool to drink- like she said she would.  Come sit beside me.  Just touch me when you pass me by.  Text me just to say hi- like she did.  Did I have a list for him?  Of course not!  I was just so thankful to get another chance at making my marriage work it never occurred to me to give him his own list.  I’m sure that if I had given him a list I would have heard the same thing I always did:  That’s just the way I am.  Having been through this already I can tell you that you shouldn’t be the one doing all the work.  The cheater is the one who should be winning you back, not the other way around.  Don’t fall into that trap.  If the cheater is trying to get you to win him/her back, giving you a list of things to improve so that he/she is not tempted to cheat again, or trying to convince you that this is all your fault while conveniently refusing to take responsibility for any of this mess then chances are this is not going to be a successful reconciliation.
2. Don’t let go of your anger too soon.  That’s another one of those things I did.  Again, you want so badly for everything to go back to the way it was.  Everyone tells you to get over it or to not be bitter.  Everyone wants to preach about forgiveness.  Let me tell you- I can hold a grudge like no one’s business.  I’m good at it.  But hating someone takes absolutely no time or effort on my part whatsoever.  I’ve always said that if holding a grudge takes a lot out of you then you’re not doing it right.  My philosophy for long term grudges is this:  I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.  But then again I’m not going to seek you out to see if you are on fire, nor am I going to try to burn you alive. The popular opinion seems to be you should forgive someone who has wronged you for your own benefit.  Screw that!  Jesus might forgive Cousinfucker and Harley but I sure as hell don’t have to!  They can kiss my ass.  And here’s the thing.  If your cheater really loves you and wants to make things right with you then he or she will take your anger.  They will realize they deserve your anger and will rightfully ride out the storm instead of whining about how mean you are and how sad they are feeling because you won’t let them off the hook.
3. Don’t let the cheater tell you to “focus on the future” or try to make you feel guilty if you are still angry or get triggered by things.  Focusing on the future just meant my shit eating chimp didn’t have to face his shitty behavior.  Let’s not focus on the fact that I lied and cheated and deceived; let’s focus on the future.  How well do you think that would go over if I took his whole pay check and spent it on a Disney cruise?  “Baby, let’s not dwell on the fact that we don’t have money to pay the mortgage or the utilities; let’s focus on the future!  We’re going to have so much fun on that cruise!”  Cheaters want to change the narrative.  Don’t let them.  Let them know you need to fix the problems from the past before you start focusing on the future.
4. Don’t operate from a position of fear.  I know it’s scary.  I know change is hard.  I know no one gets married thinking, “Wow, I’d really like to be married for about 20 years and then get a divorce and start my life completely over.”  Unfortunately you’re going to have to confront all of this shit head on.  You cannot operate from a position of fear.  You need to feel like you are in charge.  If your cheater insists he or she is in charge then you should probably dump their ass and move on.
5. Don’t let them get away with not sticking up for you.  Another big one that I was guilty of.  I believe I’ve said before that Cousinfucker never stuck up for me.  I told him almost immediately that it was very painful to watch as people in his family continued to fawn over that white trash whore.  His response was that he couldn’t control them; they were adults. His mom would act confused about why we were no longer close and his reaction was to act equally bewildered.   What he should have done was confronted the issue.  Hell, the first time any of them liked Harley’s pictures or complimented her after they learned of his affair he should have put his foot down.  Fuck this idea that they are grown people and he can’t control them!  It’s not about controlling them, CF.  It’s about sticking up for your wife and letting them know that if they are going to continue to have a relationship with your whore that you will no longer be able to have a relationship with them.  If your cheater can’t put you first then you are doomed.
6. Don’t believe in coincidences.  The list I have is fairly long.  The first time around it was solely the fact that once he returned from a visit to find her picture put up all over the house I was mysteriously blocked on Facebook.  Naturally he knew nothing about that.  That was all between her and I.  This time around there was the refusal to take either of the kids the first time he was going to “visit his mom”.  I have no idea if he was truly going to visit her, or if this was going to be the first time he went to see Harley, but either way he didn’t want the kids to accompany him.  There was also Harley liking his mom’s post about having a handsome son (one of those annoying “Share if you Agree” posts), liking her post when she asked for prayers for him, liking his picture on his sister’s page, and suddenly developing a desire to advocate for vets with PTSD.  Finally there was his staunch refusal to take our daughter to a funeral with him and the fact he was sleeping with his phone. All huge red flags.  And all things I refused to see as such.  Don’t dismiss those red flags as coincidences!
7. Don’t be afraid to confront the cheater.  That was a biggie for me.  I didn’t want to rock the boat.  I didn’t want to bring things up again.  I should have.  I should have questioned and raged and made his life a living hell.
8. If you have a list of things your cheater needs to do in order to stay married to you stick to it!  This is another area where I went wrong.  My list was fairly small and straight forward:  Get rid of the whore/maintain no contact, give me the passwords to all electronic communication, get the passcode off your phone, attend marital counseling, let me know if she ever makes contact with you, stop discussing our marital problems with your sister.  I also let him know that this was not going to be an overnight thing; it would take time to rebuild.  Yeah, right.  See #2 and #3.  The big baby was frustrated within a month after DDay if I asked questions or had a bad day.  Bad sign!  That meant he wasn’t willing to do the work. Get rid of the whore/maintain no contact?  Hmmmm….. he was supposed to send a text letting her know it was over.  Instead he called her.  I didn’t want a phone call; I can’t *see* a phone call.  Instead, what he sent as proof that is was over was her text to him, telling him how she couldn’t do this anymore.  It just wasn’t right; it was killing her to hurt her husband and children.  She begged him not to call or contact her ever again.  And my little shit eating chimp replied that her husband was right to tell me what was going on and gosh darn it he was going to be the father and husband and man he needed to be!  It was disgusting.  I never once got the satisfaction of actually seeing in black and white the words:  We’re done.  I choose my wife.  Get out of my life.  Nope, I got to read about honor and duty and sacrifice.  Let me tell you- that really warms a girl’s heart and doesn’t leave you feeling insecure at all!  As for no contact or telling me if she ever makes contact again… yeah, we all know that didn’t happen or this blog wouldn’t exist.  He did give me the passwords and got rid of the passcode on his phone, even offered to put my thumb print in on his phone when his company supposedly ordered them all to password protect their phones.  But then he began sleeping with his phone.  Plus he had already deleted Facebook when I tried to download the archive history.  Said Facebook made him feel bad about himself but I figure he was just afraid I would find something he didn’t want me finding.  Marital counseling was a joke.  He went but didn’t really participate and as I believe I mentioned before he was expecting it to be all about “focusing on the future”.  And finally he went all passive aggressive with the whole “do not discuss our marital problems with your sister who encouraged your affair”.  That obviously meant I didn’t want him to have a relationship with her so he was just going to cut her off altogether.  Except he didn’t because then how could he moan and whine to her about how I hated him?  Not only did he break our agreement he flat out lied about what was going on.  Double betrayal.
9. Don’t accept being second best.  Don’t accept your cheater putting the whore’s feelings, comfort and safety above your own.  If she’s still his main concern you and your marriage are in trouble.  When I look back now I’m appalled at how much I put up with.  As I said above about the text… Her with her:  Oh, Cousinfucker, I just can’t do this anymore.  It isn’t right.  I can’t stand hurting my kids, hurting the one man who has stood by my side through good and bad.  We just can’t break up two families who have done nothing wrong.  Let’s just walk away. Go home and repair the damage.  Please, I’m begging you, don’t contact me- don’t call or text.  I’m deactivating FB. And him with his:  You are so right!  We can’t do this to our families.  I’m going to do my best to be a better husband, a better father, a better man. Don’t contact me either.  PUKE!  This came on the heels of our conversation where I asked him point blank if she was worth losing his wife and kids and he replied that he knew he didn’t want to lose his kids.  He was actually very honest about the fact that he told her from the very beginning that he would never leave his kids.  Apparently, he has rethought that, or maybe having them 20+ hours away wasn’t acceptable but being 6-8 hours away is ok.  I digress.  For all I know he had no intentions of ending it with her.  Maybe he called her and told her, “Hey, baby, the coast is clear!  My wife knows so now we can be together!”  Maybe she then realized it wasn’t going to be that simple.  Maybe he really did think he couldn’t liquidate his assets and move on out with her.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that none of that was what I wanted.  I wanted to hear him tell me he was sorry.  I wanted to hear that I was the one.  It wasn’t until after I told him that I deserved to be happy, too, (this was still before the lame ass texts he showed me) that he finally realized he might lose me and that he might need to up his game.  I will say that in our many conversations he did tell me that I was the one he wanted; she was a mistake, a midlife crisis, a cliche.  But those first two things that occurred?  Those colored my entire so-called “recovery”.  I always wondered if I was the second choice.  I think that if you really are going to reconcile that there should be no doubt that you are the FIRST choice, the ONLY choice.  A few days after DDay I told him I wrote back to her husband, letting him know that CF had deleted all the naked pictures his wife had sent to mine.  CF was crying I believe and begged me to leave her alone and just concentrate on us and our family.  “Let them heal and deal with all of their stuff, while we do the same!”  Oh, boo hoo.  I remember hissing at him, “Do not beg for mercy for your whore!”  Again, lots of concern for the whore.  Not quite so much concern for the wife.  That is a no-no.  I don’t want to portray it as though he never tried to prove I was the one he wanted.  We went out on dates.  We spent a weekend away.  He told me how much he loved me and did at times say Harley was a huge mistake and she wasn’t the one he wanted; she was simply a cheap substitute for me.  In the end, though, those things he said in the beginning wouldn’t go away.  They always left me insecure.  His talk of happiness was always a huge trigger for me as well because he admitted that he had told his sister that Harley made him happy.  I felt like she could do something I couldn’t no matter how much I had tried for years and years.  Maybe if we had talked about these issues a little bit more instead of trying to bury them and “focus on the future” something good could have come out of it.  But that’s not what happened.  Don’t do what I did!  Don’t accept being second best.
10. Don’t accept this idea that your spouse needs to grieve the loss of their co-cheater.  This is not something that I personally dealt with much but I think it’s important.   About a month after DDay Cousinfucker was visiting his mom (by himself, of course) and I was questioning him.  I asked if he missed Harley and he admitted that he did sometimes; however, he went on to say that he didn’t think it was her that he missed so much as it was what she represented and the fact that she filled him in on things that were happening with that side of the family.  Yet another unacceptable answer.  It should have been:  Of course not!  She was a huge mistake and almost cost me my marriage.  I don’t even think about her anymore. At the time I was busy reading reconciliation websites and blogs; common wisdom seems to be  that this is natural, that your cheater has had an intense relationship with this person.  I’ve read blogs by cheating men where they are lamenting the loss of their whore.  I’ve read them by women justifying their affairs with their man-whores.  They seem to always think that by saying they were in love that excuses their treacherous behavior.  I’m not speaking of it excusing the affair.  They seem to think their “love” excuses the continued wistful thinking of the co-cheater.  It doesn’t.  The last thing any betrayed wife wants to hear is how her husband truly loved the woman he was fucking behind her back, and because of that, please be patient with the poor guy because he’s really really sad.  For any men that may be reading this please substitute the correct nouns and pronouns.  Yeah, if your spouse is still grieving the whore things are not looking good.  It’s not natural.  If you feel guilty about what you’ve done you don’t have time to miss the person who is inducing that guilt.  You are far too busy trying to make up for your misdeeds
11. DON’T MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY SO THAT YOU’RE CLOSER TO THE WHORE!  That’s a biggie!  If the cheater is suggesting a move further away from the whore- you may possibly be safe.  But don’t agree to a move that will put you closer to the whore.  That was my big mistake.  I was way too confident and trusted my shit eating chimp way too soon.  He wasn’t worthy of all that trust.

I’m sure there are undoubtedly more things that should appear on this list but this is all I’ve got for you today.  There are many things I wish I could have done differently but this list highlights the main things I would have changed.  I needed the anger.  I should have confronted him, questioned all those coincidences, and made him stick up for me.  I suppose that would have entailed being very explicit with what I needed him to do.  I should NEVER have allowed him to railroad me into dancing for him.  He should have been dancing for me.  And it goes without saying that moving across the country closer to Harley was an undeniably stupid move.  But you know what?  Even that I won’t allow the blame to be placed on me.  I was a good wife.  I trusted him.  I put his feelings and his wants and desires ahead of mine all the time.  You are SUPPOSED to trust your spouse.  It is NOT my fault that he wasn’t worthy of my trust.  Or me.

Why I Don’t Talk to Him

I really wish I had a better title for this, but I don’t. I have received a lot of crap from people, mainly family, about me not going out of my way to confront Cousinfucker.  My brother once declared, “This is going to the quietest divorce in history.”  Yes, it may be.  But is that a bad thing?

I’m going to try to explain why I haven’t yelled and screamed and otherwise confronted him.

1. I’m not a big confrontational person.  Oh, believe me, I can get crazy stupid when I’ve been pushed but that doesn’t happen too often.  I’m usually very good at being able to ignore it and walk away.  I couldn’t confront him when I first found out because I was getting my ducks lined up so I couldn’t let on I knew.  And after I did confront him I was asked if I was still going to make spaghetti.  I’ll admit; that one left me (and the lawyer) speechless.
2. When I have had more than I can take then I am simply done with you or with the situation.  Some people have this need to confront the person, to let them know what they’ve done wrong or how they’ve hurt them; they want to make them feel bad, or perhaps have them apologize.  I don’t.  My only concern is in getting out of a toxic situation or away from a toxic person.  I don’t care if you understand.  I don’t care if you agree.  I don’t care if you think you’re still right and I’m wrong.  I don’t care if you think I’m being ridiculous.  I don’t care if I’ve changed your mind or made you feel guilty or put you in your place.  I’m. Done.  Once I reach that point it is far better if we simply part ways because I am now officially in “Crazy, Stupid” territory.
3. They don’t care!  I have no doubt that Cousinfucker would not give a single fuck if I yelled at him until I was hoarse.  I am equally sure that Harley has absolutely no shame and does not care at all about the destruction she has helped cause.  Me yelling and screaming at CF will do nothing.  He’s not suddenly going to say, “Sam, you are so right!  I have been acting like a giant ass!  What can I do to make it up to you and the kids?”  Why waste my breath?  As I said, it will do nothing except….
4. Feed his ego!  OK, that should probably be a full sentence but it’s not.  Here’s a full sentence for you.  Yelling and screaming at him just feeds his ego.  It tells him he still gets to me.  He is still important.  He still has some power over me.  From reading Chump Lady I have learned that one of the worst things you can do for this type of person is ignore him/her.  I refuse to give him the satisfaction of thinking he still gets to me.  I’m not above making a snarky comment, and I have no problem pushing him on things, like pointing out in a straight forward manner that if he’s got money to blow on Harley’s kids then he’s got money to spend on his own kids!  But aside from that I will not engage.  He is nothing to me and I don’t wish to be the one feeding his ego.  Let Harley do that; he’s her problem now.
5. Right from Chump Lady’s handbook:  I refuse to be the hypotenuse to their triangle!  You’ve probably all heard the dangers of trying to stand in the way of young love and how it just makes them want to be together even more.  It’s the same with cheater love.  They need to feel like it’s them against the world (or at least me).  If I’m yelling and screaming, tossing his crap out onto the lawn, calling up his boss, and pulling a Carrie Underwood on his car then it’s very easy to triangulate this three person relationship.  They’re in it against me.  As an added bonus he can point to my behavior and say:  See?  I told you she was crazy (mean, uncaring, unloving, whatever unflattering adjective he can find).  Look at what all I have to put up with!  Isn’t she just awful?  This way they are left in their relationship with only each other.  They can’t ever say that things will get better once his crazy ex-wife stops harassing them because the crazy ex-wife has never been part of the picture.  If their relationship takes a crap (and seeing as how she is supposedly still sleeping with her husband I can definitely see where things might go wrong) they will have to examine their own actions because it won’t be anything I’ve said or done.  They are two fucked up individuals; he is a miserable human being who will never be happy and is an entitled shit eating chimp that is constantly changing the goal posts on what will make him happy.  She, on the other hand, is a deceitful, manipulative, gold digging white trash whore.  They are both lying liars who lie and cheating cheaters who cheat.  It’s only a matter of time before this house of cards comes crashing down.  As long as I’m out of the picture they’ve got to deal with one another and not focus on me.
6. Finally, actions speak louder than words.  It’s good advice when wondering whether you should reconcile with your spouse who says he/she is sorry.  It’s also good advice when dealing with a spouse you’re divorcing.  I’m keeping my mouth shut and not giving away anything.  Instead of yelling and screaming at him, telling him what an utterly worthless piece of pig shit he is I simply filed for divorce, and am making him pay a lot of spousal and child support.  I’m not sure anything gets the message across quite like being served with divorce papers.