The Day Has Come

This is the last Thursday night I spend being separated from my love by 600 miles. Tomorrow I hop on a plane after work and I fly to him. The next morning we are meeting his son for breakfast and then making the drive back to Indiana. It’s hard to believe that this day has finally come.

When I first “met” this guy I didn’t think it would turn into this. We lived 600 miles apart. I had traumatized children. He had traumatized children. We weren’t going to uproot their lives for our own. Eventually he made the decision that he wanted to move to where I was once his daughter graduated. She graduated two years ago.

Yes, our plans have shifted quite often. So often, in fact, that there were times I didn’t think he’d ever make the move. First the plan was to move up here shortly after T graduated and went off to college. Unfortunately, despite stellar grades the college she wanted to attend didn’t give her much in the way of financial aid and there was no way she was going to be able to afford to go away. So instead she planned to go to a local extension there in town. The countdown was going to begin anew. Two more years, he told me. Then August arrived and she went to college for less than a week before deciding she didn’t want to do that. She didn’t know what she wanted to do. Now all of the plans were up in the air. I couldn’t very well ask him to leave his daughter behind while she struggled to find a job and her place in this world. I would never have done so anyway. I love this kid and I want what’s best for her, even if it’s to my own detriment. I always told him I was willing to do long distance forever if that’s what it took.

August of 2019 she decides college is no longer in her future. It took her a while to get a job and then Covid-19 hit and closed everything down. Finally I went to see him after three months of being apart. Shortly after that visit he threw all planning into high gear. His newly revised plan was to be up in Indiana shortly after the holidays.

Of course, that didn’t go as planned either. He started advertising his business for sale. Made contact with the people who said they were definitely interested. One backed out and the other just ghosted him. He thought he had a buyer but that didn’t work out. Finally, in April he came to an agreement with someone. They closed on the deal in June and he’s been busy renovating the apartment above his garage for an Air BnB for most of the summer, with the exception of the three weeks he spent with me. And tomorrow I fly down so that we can drive back up here together.

I am both exhilarated and terrified. The three weeks we spent together this summer was the longest period of time we’ve ever had. And it was awesome! It flew by. Yes, we were on vacation for 10 days of it but we were not on vacation for 10 days of it, too! It was nice meeting him for lunch, having him take me to work, seeing him here when I got home.

So I suppose I’m mostly exhilarated. I have no reason to believe there will be any major problems. I love being around him and spending time with him. It will be amazing to be able to spend our weekends together. I can take him to the Farmer’s Market that I know he’s going to love. We can check out wineries up in Michigan. We can go up to the lake and walk around. We can go running and kayaking and biking together.

I’m also a little terrified. I worry that I’m too much of a slob for him. I worry that he’ll regret moving away from his kids and his family. I worry he’ll come to believe that I wasn’t worth it and he wishes he could take it all back.

This man has given up *everything* for me. He sold his business. He moved away from his two kids that still live in town. All of his siblings live in the area so he’s leaving all of them behind. I hope like hell that he is happy with me and that I am enough.

Mostly exhilarated though. This has been our goal for almost four years. Tonight is our last night 600 miles apart.

It Must Be True Love

Gather round, folks, because I’ve got something I want to say to you. I’m seeing an awful lot of people on various sites and pages falling for this nonsense that their cheating ex is a reformed person. That the relationship they have with the affair accomplice is true love and they’re going to live happily ever after. That now he or she is going to change and be the person you wanted them to be… for this other person. Karma will never come and they’ve got it all while I’ve got nothing!

Ahem… that is what I like to call… bullshit.

Oh no, Sam! It’s true love. She’s the love he’s always loved. He’s changed for her. Takes her all the places I wanted to go. Does all the things for her that I wanted him to do for me. I’ve seen the vacation pictures. The big new house. The cars. The new babies.

Yeah? Well, it’s still bullshit. As Chump Lady always reminds us they don’t get personality transplants. And social media doesn’t show the whole picture. Hell, I’m Exhibit A!

One year before he left for Harley I was posting pictures of my new house and my new furniture. In April of 2015 I was happily sharing that I had signed the contract for my pool. Throughout the months of May, June, and July I posted updates. In June and July I shared pictures of the kids and I on vacation in Indiana with family and in Utah with friends. I posted pictures of us in Florida, having a great time on the beach again in July. On August 4th I posted pictures of my completed pool. On August 10th I found out my husband was fucking his cousin. Not one time during that year did I post about him going into a psych ward. I never posted about his drinking. I didn’t post about his bizarre behavior where he was constantly crying and kept himself mostly confined to the bedroom. Or the times I found him in the bathtub (sans water) because “that’s where he felt comfortable and safe.” Anyone looking at my social media would think I had it all. Easter of 2015 I was crying in the shower and recording messages for my friends and loved ones for after they found my body.

But this isn’t social media, Sam! This is from friends, acquaintances, relatives, my powers of perception. They will never split up. They will be together forever! It’s true love.

Relationships are a funny thing. They’re a success until they’re not. How long did it take for your own relationship with the fuckwit to break down? People think that just because they’re still together 2 or 3 years later that it means it’s going to last forever. 

Jezebel and Husband #2 were together 14 years! Fourteen! I’m sure his ex-wife thought they would be together forever. And she probably thought Jezebel stole her life and was now enjoying everything that she used to have when she was his wife.

The reality is Jezebel and Husband #2 were struggling financially. Neither one of them wanted to work a full time job. It interfered with all of their vacation plans. But him being a former pastor of a large church (and trying to establish a new church) meant that for some bizarre reason people wanted to get close to them so they could say they were friends. Those people were the ones paying for their vacations. I remember her saying to me once, “We don’t look like it but we’re poor.” It was a mirage. I gave her money that year so she could buy her son clothes instead of having to go shop at Goodwill. They were able to pay off all of their credit card bills because they hadn’t paid them in over a year when he was out of work; their creditors were willing to take just about anything when he finally got a good paying job. He was paying his ex-wife an enormous amount of money in spousal support every month because he was willing to do anything to get his divorce and marry his mistress. I remember Jezebel being furious because he needed her paycheck in order to pay his ex’s spousal support so he didn’t go to jail. In fact, his ex-wife took him back to court after he hadn’t paid her in a while due to the “no job” thing and the judge gave him something like one month to get the $16,000 or so he owed her or he was going to jail. And how did he pull that off? He begged and borrowed from everyone he knew. They eventually ended up losing their house because they had one of those interest only loans and when interest rates went up their mortgage skyrocketed.

Then after Husband #2 finally landed a good job and they were back on their feet again she had an affair with a colleague nine years younger than her. She dumped her 20 years older husband for the new guy. According to Husband #2 she told him he was too old for her. I do know she told me she felt like she had daddy issues and that was what made him so appealing in the beginning but now she thought he needed to find a woman his own age, one that could travel with him. So very kind of her.

Oh, I believe I’ve also talked about how he saw the writing on the wall so he lined up another wife. He was married like a month after their divorce was final.

It took fourteen years but they didn’t live happily ever after. They weren’t always happily ever after when they were together either.

Another woman I’ve seen post has talked about her cheating ex marrying the affair accomplice. They had two children. The children both have a rare degenerative disease. Neither of the parents knew they were a carrier. And after 15 years or so, again the younger affair accomplice ditched the cheater for a person her own age.

Headlines were made back in 2018 when Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova announced their separation after TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS together. By all accounts their relationship began as an affair. Then again, if you look at the timeline, I think Mrs. Ocasek #2 was the other woman as well. My guess is Paulina must have been the one to end it because he got rather salty in the press. He then cut her out of his will despite the fact that they were not yet divorced at the time of his death in 2019, and were still living together.

Yes, sometimes they do stay together. It’s image management. The cheater can’t stand to admit they were wrong. If they leave the affair accomplice then that’s admitting they made a bad choice. You want examples of that? Fine. I’ll give them to you.

Example #1: One of the moderators on a Facebook page I belong to shared a story her former mother-in-law told her. Her ex is married to a mentally ill woman who has driven away all of his family members for the most part. I believe that in the beginning she was welcomed with open arms, which of course, hurt the poster. But now, seven years later, they see who she is. They can see what a mistake he’s made and even his own adoring mother says, “He’s miserable but he’ll never leave her.” Huh. 

I have to admit I smiled a little bit when she told that story. This guy is so arrogant he cannot bear to admit he made a mistake in cheating on his wife with this particular woman. So instead he will sever relationships with everyone in his family who doesn’t think she’s the most amazing person on the planet. He’s so arrogant that instead of leaving this woman who makes life unbearable he’s going to stay in hell forever to prove a point. If that’s not karma I don’t know what is.

Oh, and his mom also said she thinks he’ll cheat on her even though he won’t ever leave. And my guess is his daughter who is only 9 now is going to get tired of the bullshit and refuse to see her dad before she turns 18. It may not happen in the next few years but I would put money on her refusing visitation within the next 5 years or so.

Example #2: Tempest was a very popular, vocal commenter over on Chump Lady’s website. I don’t know how she knew but somehow she was alerted to the fact that her ex’s new girlfriend was now on anti-depressants after being with him for only a short period of time. 

Yes, sure she was living in a million dollar home. By all outward appearances her life was great and Tempest was really missing out. But the reality was the relationship with that man was so stressful and toxic she was taking medication to deal with it. Some fairytale, huh?

Example #3: I wish I could remember more details but what stuck with me is this woman talking about her husband cheating and leaving for the the other woman. He had children with her. He admitted he was miserable and he’d made a huge mistake but he had seen what had happened with his first set of kids and he wasn’t going to do that to his second set of kids. So he stayed.

And finally, my very favorite story. I wish I could find this comment again because it’s stuck with me all these years. I will have to share from memory. Cheating husband leaves his wife and three kids for his pregnant mistress and marries her. By all accounts the mistress had struck gold. She had multiple houses, multiple cars, grand vacations. The wife got cheated out of all of that. They were still together after almost 35 years of marriage. But, the poster went on to explain, the cheater and his mistress turned wife didn’t talk to each other. One was an alcoholic and the other popped pills to help them sleep. The father was depressed and angry that his older three children, the ones he abandoned for Sparkle Twat, had nothing to do with him. Their whole life was a carefully crafted facade built on debt and charity.

When their 35th wedding anniversary came around though, the poster went on to say, she knew they would throw a huge party and everyone would be there. It would be a huge to-do and he would be toasting her as the love of his life. Because they couldn’t let people see the truth, which was that they were miserable together and living in a house of cards.

I’m not saying to stake your happiness on your cheater’s misery. I am saying though to pull your head out of your ass and stop insisting they have it all and it’s true love and they’re blissfully happy while you’re miserable. They’re the same damn person they’ve always been. There is no such thing as a personality transplant. 

The guy who didn’t want kids isn’t thrilled now that his 20 year younger whore just popped two of them out in a row. He wasn’t looking for a new wife. He was looking for a fantasy woman. One that fawned over him. One that made him her priority. Now they’ve got two little babies who demand lots of time. That’s time she can’t devote to him. And if he did want those kids, chances are good it’s because he thought it would keep her stuck with him. It’s always harder to leave once children are involved. 

There is a woman who was married to an idiot that was lamenting the fact that he had married the mistress and they are trying for a baby. This is the same guy who told her how much fun he was having riding motorcycles and living a life of freedom. I didn’t realize you could strap a car seat onto the back of a Harley. Must be a new feature. Mr. Live Free or Die is getting himself right back into the same situation he fled. Traded the old wife for the new wife. Trying to have a baby with that one. The shit that held him down before and made him oh so sad is going to hold him down again.

The guy who was a serial cheater hasn’t magically transformed into a loyal, committed partner. He’s still out there cheating. He may not do it right away, but he’s going to do it. They don’t treat you poorly because they’re not in love with you. They treat you poorly because they’re assholes.

Is he (or she) doing all the things with the new person that you wished they had done for you? That’s just more proof that they’re really in love with this new person and they’ve changed, right? Wrong! You gave them a fucking blueprint. These things will make me happy. And if they will make me happy they will probably make somebody else happy as well.  They haven’t changed. They’re not madly in love. This is not their soul mate and this is why they’re treating them so much better. No, they’ve just stolen your ideas.

I know it’s not a whole lot of comfort when people keep throwing out the statistics on how rare it is when your partner leaves for the affair partner if they’ve already actually left. And it’s not any comfort when they tell you that statistically speaking they only have a 5 to 7% chance of making it to the alter, and then they get married. But let those examples above serve as a guiding light. Once married they’ve got a 75% chance that the marriage won’t last. If they manage to be in that 25% that’s no guarantee that they’re happy. They don’t change. That new relationship high is going to wear off eventually. Old habits will be resumed. The person who devalued you is going to devalue the next one. They’ll be the ones dealing with their temper tantrums, the silent treatment, the scorn, their inability to admit they’re wrong, the bad habits, the nasty attitude, the yelling, the abuse, the constant demands, the feelings of never being good enough. Sooner or later the new supply is going to be wondering where the person they fell in love with went. The person who cheats on you is going to cheat on the next one, unless the next one has them on a very short leash. And that’s karma in itself.

Entitlement, Thy Name Is Cheater, Cont’d.

Speaking of entitled cheaters the mobster’s STBX called him while he was on vacation. T-Mobile lets you block a person but it doesn’t really block them unless you pay an extra fee. What it does is prevent them from directly reaching you. The texts go into the archive history and the phone calls go to voicemail.

The mobster wrote a post about it before I could write my own post (copycat!) and I’ll link to it if you want the transcript in its entirety. The gist of the conversation was this: She didn’t understand why he wouldn’t take or return her calls. He was her best friend and always would be. The fact that he won’t talk to her kills her and she doesn’t understand whyyyyyyy.

We’re right back to: I do not think that word means what you think it means. I don’t know about you people reading this but I don’t gaslight my best friend. I do not tell them bold face lies and expect them to believe those lies. I don’t accuse my best friend of abusing me… or my children. I don’t lead people on to believe that I need to be “rescued” from my best friend because of their abusive behavior. I don’t ditch my best friend by trying to slink out of the house without saying a word to them about the end of our friendship and then bring my new best friend to a kid’s ball game and proceed to act as though my former best friend never gave a shit about any of my fake injuries and illnesses- all caused by my former best friend, of course.  

Thankfully we are far enough along in our relationship that this kind of nonsense doesn’t bother me. As I told him, “I’m not upset by the fact she called; however, I have to point out the absurdity of her claims.”

It’s another sad sausage feeling sorry herself. Oh believe me, she was choked up. Practically in tears. Why, oh why, won’t you answer my calls? You’re my best friend and you always will be. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Doesn’t it make you forget all the horrible things I did? Surely the knowledge that I’m willing to allow you to stand in the radiance that is me must be thrilling to you. Why won’t you take my call? How can I bless you with my presence if you keep ignoring me?  

As the mobster said, “What a chameleon she is.” Whenever her affair accomplice isn’t around she gets to feeling lonely and reaches out to him. It hasn’t happened in a long while but I know the routine by now. She just wants to hear his voice. Wants to let him know he was the very best husband. Now apparently it breaks her heart he won’t talk to her. He’s her best friend and always will be. But when the accomplice is back in the picture she becomes angry and combative. I don’t know if she’s putting on a show for him or what but it’s a completely different kettle of fish when she’s with him. The mobster surmised it must be an exhausting way to live.

I don’t think she’s exhausted. I think she’s entitled. This is the woman who seemed to think it was fine to send pictures of herself in a bikini to another man behind her husband’s back. She seemed to think that, “All I did was show him my pussy!” was a valid defense when questioned about a possible affair with yet another man. She fed her sad little tale of woe to someone else and he fell for it hook, line, and sinker. He was going to be her brave Prince Charming, rescuing her from her angry, abusive husband. Then whenever she was left alone (new guy apparently is gone for work quite often) she would call the mobster and expect him to fall for her lies and offer to rush right over. For so long the mobster overlooked everything; his entire focus was on getting her sober and making their marriage work. She felt entitled to his love and devotion and can’t believe he finally walked away.

In the beginning I would almost feel bad. I remember telling him that I didn’t want to be the reason they didn’t reconcile. If he still felt like he had a marriage to save then I would step away. He also assured me though that he was done that night she brought the affair accomplice to their kid’s game and proceeded to put on a show. That was when he finally had had enough. He filed for divorce the next day. He has also pointed out that she is all talk. She’ll say these things hoping to keep him on the hook but she never does anything. She misses him so much but then says she can’t leave her affair accomplice. She misses him but makes no moves to come back or to try to make amends. As he so aptly puts it, “She probably doesn’t even remember the conversation the next day.”

I believe it goes back to what I said in the very beginning: He was supposed to be her Plan B. He was not supposed to move on; he was not supposed to meet someone else and fall in love. She could replace him but he was supposed to pine after her forever.

When I say they’re entitled this is exactly what I’m talking about. Only a cheater could sneak around behind your back, lie to your face, leave you for another person, malign your character, and then turn around and pitifully cry, “You’re my best friend and you always will be! Why won’t you take my calls?”

Entitlement, Thy Name is Cheater

I saw this meme and I thought to myself, “I have no words.” Then I thought about it and decided I did have words. Unfortunately, I have been so bad about writing that I never got around to it. Before I could point out the absurdity of such an asinine statement I was slapped in the face with this drivel:

Folks, this gets to the very heart of what Chump Lady always says about cheating. She maintains it’s about entitlement and crappy character. What better example of that entitlement is there than these two memes?

Don’t lose a loyal man because he’s occasionally unfaithful? As they would say in “The Princess Bride”: I do not think that word means what you think it means. A loyal man is not unfaithful. Feel free to interchange the pronouns as necessary. That’s like saying, “Don’t give up on your law abiding husband because he occasionally murders someone.” “Don’t give up on your honest investment banker because he occasionally embezzles.” “Don’t fire your favorite teacher just because she occasionally sleeps with her students.” I guess if you only do something occasionally it’s okay.

You say he hits you? Does he do it regularly? No? Only occasionally? Oh yeah, then you don’t want to lose a good man like him because he occasionally hits you.

He occasionally molests your kids? Well, it’s not like he does it all the time. You don’t want to lose a good man over something that only happens occasionally.

I could do this all day. She only tried to poison you once! What’s your problem? She occasionally shoots up in front of your kids. It’s not like she’s a junkie. He occasionally lies to you. Where’s the red flag in that?

As you might be able to conclude I think the idea that you would want to hang onto this gem because he’s only occasionally unfaithful is a load of crap. Being occasionally unfaithful is a lot like being a little bit pregnant. You either are or you aren’t.

It’s also an entitled attitude. He’s so fucking phenomenal that it doesn’t matter what kind of shitty behavior he engages in. You don’t want to lose him, do you? Just look past him sticking his dick in other people. It’s no biggie. You don’t want to lose a loyal man like him because of the occasional cheating. Where on earth would you find someone better?

Then we move onto this brilliant advice, otherwise known as, “How to eat shit sandwiches and keep a smile on your face.”

Cheating is apart (sic) of ups & downs of a relationship tho. Every man is gonna hurt u, u just gotta find that one worth hurting for. Millions of happy wives have been cheated on & absurd but they fought for their marriage to work. If you not willing to fight for love then stay single.

Oh Professor Douche, there is so much wrong with this. We’ll begin with the obvious. No, cheating is not a part of the ups and downs of a relationship. Cheating is, or should be, a deal breaker. It should not be normalized. If cheating is a normal part of the ups and downs in a relationship then you are in a very toxic relationship. My advice is to get the hell out!

Secondly, pain and sorrow is not a normal part of a relationship. You should not expect to be hurt. You should expect to be loved and treasured. Supported, cherished. Not writhing around in agony because the person you’re with is an asshole and you think this is just the normal course of an average relationship. I don’t find any man worth hurting for. Whether you’re a man or a woman I would hope you wouldn’t find any man or woman worth hurting for. That’s not love. That’s abuse. Let’s stop selling these tortured relationships as love affairs of the century.

I find it astounding that he actually believes “millions of happy wives have been cheated on & abused but they fought for their marriage to work.” Those women are not happy. They’re desperate. And where are all the men fighting for their marriages to work despite wives that are out there sleeping with everyone? I guess being hurt and being cheated on and being abused isn’t part of a man’s normal relationship. At least not as a recipient.

I do have to give him props thought. He dared to take the conversation where others normally don’t. He’s actually suggesting that if a man only hits you occasionally you should continue to fight for your marriage. Sounds amazing. Yeah, he gets drunk and beats me but it only happens a few times a month. He cheats on me, slept with my sister, gave me an STD, but that’s just part of the ups and downs of a relationship, you know. I stuck it out. I fought for my marriage and my lying, cheating sack of shit abuser. I am so lucky! I know how to stick with it unlike you losers out there. You give up too easily and that’s why you don’t have a lasting relationship. Unlike me.

This is the crap the RIC peddles. Fight for your man. Fight for your marriage. Who cares about your dignity? Keep him at all costs. It’s far better to have a man, even if he’s a shitty excuse for a human being, than to be alone.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. The idea that love means never having to say you’re sorry is bullshit and so is this idea that you need to fight for love. Love is freely given. It is reciprocated. Relationships may not be all sunshine and roses all the time but you shouldn’t have to be fighting for your relationship either. Nor should you have to navigate through hell for a relationship. That’s not a relationship worth nurturing.

Oh, and third? This idea that if you’re not willing to fight for love then you should stay single is another way of getting you to continue with the pick me dance.

If you not willing to fight for love then stay single.

No, bro, how ‘bout if you want me to continue to be in your life you get your shit together from the very beginning? He’s making a declaration, folks. If you can’t fight for your man then you should stay single. If you’re not willing to overlook his cheating and his lying and the abuse he foists upon you then don’t even bother trying to find someone. It’s much better that you remain single. Any of you people out there that believe you deserve to be treated with decency and respect need to readjust your expectations. You should willingly accept the crumbs someone tosses your way. Who do you think you are anyway? You don’t get to make demands. You don’t get to make a choice.

All snark aside these two memes are shining examples of what I talk about and what Chump Lady talks about when we keep shouting from the rooftops that cheating is not a marriage problem; it is an entitlement problem. That’s what all of this is about. It’s what the RIC is built on. They truly believe they are entitled to forgiveness. It’s a given. Any real woman would do the right thing and fight for her man, her relationship. Of course she would forgive him, take him back, and never speak of it again.They believe they get to call all of the shots. They get to decide to cheat on you. Then they get to decide if they want to stay with to you or if they’re going to leave. They are entitled to do whatever they feel like and you need to sit there and take it like a good little woman. Sadly, many of us have been indoctrinated to believe this bullshit. To believe that cheating is just a mistake. To believe you owe it to them to give them another chance. To believe that you don’t throw away years for one bad moment in your relationship. We’re taught to forgive and told that relationships take two people. We’re told to look at ourselves and ask ourselves what we did wrong, how we made them cheat, what we did to drive them into someone else’s arms.

That. Is. Bullshit. Cheating is not a relationship problem. It is an entitlement problem. They feel entitled to cheat and they feel entitled to your forgiveness.

Am I going to find that one man that is worth hurting for? No, Professor Douche, I’m going to find the man who doesn’t believe that cheating and abuse are normal parts of a relationship. 

Am I willing to fight for love? I don’t know. What’s the prize money like? Come on! I’m way too old to fight for love. It’s either there or it’s not. All of this “fight for your relationship” bullshit is just pick me bait.  I’m not fighting to keep a relationship with a lying, cheating, entitled asshole. That’s a solid “No.”

Am I going to lose a loyal man just because he’s occasionally unfaithful? Oh honey, I’m not losing anything. I’m kicking that sonofabitch to the curb! He’s the one that lost something.

#riseup

Wow- Now That’s What I Call Karma       

You all know my mother is an avid ID TV watcher. Every TV in the house is tuned to that station as she makes her way from room to room.

I used to be an avid ID TV watcher but not so much anymore. It kinda bums me out and I just don’t want to see people begging for their lives or hear some of the awful stories you hear on that channel. I am, however, lazy. So when my mother has been upstairs and has turned the channel onto ID TV I don’t usually change it. I don’t deliberately watch a bunch of TV and when it’s already on I don’t go to the trouble of changing the channel.

Anyway, all of this prologue to tell you I was sitting at the dining room table doing something, don’t remember what, when the story of Lee Hartley came up on the TV. Let me give you the background.

Lee Hartley was a 35 or 36 year lieutenant in the Navy. As his daughter was quoted saying in an article, “My father and my mom were very happy at one time… And then my dad went through a mid-life crisis and fell in love with his secretary, Pamela Johnson.”  He had an affair with, and married, his 23 year old secretary. Shockingly, trouble was afoot. It seems that young Pam very much enjoyed drinking and flirting with the other men at the Officer’s Club when her husband was out to sea and her husband didn’t like that so much.

Huh. Who would have thought that a woman willing to sleep with another woman’s husband might not have the best moral character? I’m shocked. Who would have thought that a woman in her early 20s would want to go out dancing and partying instead of staying at home, counting down the days until her beloved older husband came home from sea? Again, I’m simply shocked.

Lee was labeled terribly jealous and it was said that he did not like Pam talking to other men. Pam, on the other hand, quite enjoyed it and wished her husband would stay out to sea so she could have her fun.

Since this is ID TV you know a murder occurs. They’re not peddling weddings and puppies on this channel. After less than a year of marriage Pam decides she wants out. Over a period of months she sends her husband care packages onboard his ship. They’re laced with arsenic. When she flew out to Spain to meet him in port (I think that’s the correct terminology) she poisoned his dinner. She continued sending him poisoned care packages. Finally, in the hospital where he was being treated after months of being slowly poisoned, she gave him one last lethal dose- in the apple juice she helped him drink. He finally succumbed to a cardiac arrest.

According to one source Pam did it because while she didn’t want to be married to him anymore, she certainly liked the status that being a Navy officer’s wife brought her; she decided it would be easier to kill him and be a Navy officer’s widow as opposed to being a Navy officer’s ex-wife.

According to the show I was watching, however, her purpose behind killing was much more altruistic… and bizarre. She claims she killed him because she knew he was so crazy about her and loved her so much that she didn’t want to hurt him by divorcing him… so she slowly poisoned him over a period of months which resulted in an agonizing death instead.

Huh. Again, I am floored. That is a new one. I killed him to spare him the heartbreak of me leaving him. Something tells me he would have been able to recover from the heartbreak a little easier than he could recover from being dead. But I’m no doctor.

That’s the story. Older, successful guy dumps his loyal wife for the shiny new secretary who is approximately 15 years younger. She turns around and kills him. When asked why she used poison her response was that women had been poisoning their husbands for thousands of years.

Oh yeah. Forgot this part. She got away with it for 14 years. She was only caught because someone decided to re-open his cold case. They discovered the polygraph test was read wrong which led to them looking at her as a suspect once again. This led to conversations with other people in the Officers Wives Club with Pam, and who admitted she had told them she was miserable in her marriage, wanted out, and she was trying to find someone to kill him. Why that wasn’t more closely examined 14 years prior is beyond me. Once finally convicted she was sentenced to 40 years in prison but ended up only serving 15 and a half.

I was only half listening to this story when something caught my ear and I realized this was an affair that went horribly wrong. I’ll admit when I realized his mistress turned wife killed him I let out a little bit of a laugh. I felt bad at first because this man left behind a daughter who adored her father, but the reality is I don’t really care. He left his wife for this person and she ended up killing him less than a year after they wed. He dumped a devoted spouse for a murderer. Maybe that’s not karma, but it’s something.

I don’t think a person who cheats, whether they’re the spouse or the accomplice, deserves to die; however, I don’t feel bad for them when it does happen, especially considering that the duped spouse is usually the murder victim in these triangles. Either the affair accomplice is trying to take them out so the spouse can be with them (or they’re pissed because the spouse won’t leave) or the spouse is killing them so they can be with the accomplice and not lose any of their money or possessions. It’s refreshing to see them killing each other off for once.

I think overall this story serves a big eye opener. Oh, not to the cheaters. They’ll never learn; they will never believe something like this could ever happen to them. No, it’s an eye opener for those who were left. It’s not always sunshine and roses despite what it may look like on the surface. We always want to convince ourselves that they’re living this amazing life and they’re so happy while we have to rebuild piece by piece. But what really happened in this story? Lee got his hot, young secretary; I’m sure all the men around him thought he had hit the jackpot. But the reality was he married a woman much younger than himself and she still wanted to act single- while retaining all the perks of an officer’s wife. She wanted to dance and drink and flirt with all the other cute, young officers and her husband got in the way of that. People might have seen them, or heard about them, in Spain and thought they were living the life- laughing, partying, drinking sangria every night. The reality was the new wife was poisoning the meals she was serving to her husband- and his friend! And while it may be true that Lee was madly in love with Pam which would definitely be painful to the discarded wife, it was also true that Pam was plotting his death and deliberately poisoning him. From all sounds of it neither one of them was happy, almost from Day One. Pam didn’t seem to realize what marriage meant. She wanted to party with other men and while her husband was out to sea it was easy to do that; she could pretend that everything she had wasn’t because she was married to him. Less than a year into her marriage she was sending him poisoned care packages. Lee discarded his wife for a woman who would soon kill him. He may have been besotted by her but he was also described as being jealous and controlling. Pam liked to flirt with other men and surprisingly Lee did not like that. It was reported that one of the reasons he wanted to get off the ship early was so that he could “keep an eye on” Pam.  To the outside world they might seemed to have had it all but in the end she killed him. And before that they made each other miserable- poor Pam not being able to go out and #$#% other guys without her husband getting upset with her and poor Lee always wondering what, or who, his much younger mistress turned wife was doing. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?

I’ll leave you with Pam’s own words regarding the murder:

I’ve known a lot of people to divorce. And divorce hurts. I didn’t think past my actions… When the officers’ wives started talking about… not wanting the husbands to come home, that- planted a warped seed into a warped mind. And that’s how that seed got planted and started growing, how to get rid of Lee?… It was difficult watching what I was doing to Lee… I knew that poison was in him and that… I had done it to him. And it broke my heart.

She Said What?

My mom is back at it again. We were walking through Lowe’s or Menard’s or some other home improvement store when she starts talking about these uber expensive toilets- like almost a thousand dollars for a toilet.

I asked aloud, “What in the hell does that toilet do for $1000?”

“Probably gives you orgasms,” my mother replies.

My son happened to be walking with us at that moment. I’m sure he probably knows what an orgasm is even if he hasn’t experienced one but I don’t think he needs his grandmother going around loudly proclaiming that the thousand dollar toilet gives you orgasms.

If that wasn’t bad enough we were out all day on Saturday. She complains about being bored if we’re not running around all weekend so I kept her busy. At one point she wanted to go check out a park and see what was going on there because she had heard there was some event going on.

Clearly there was some kind of race happening. She was insistent upon walking down the trail close to where the race station was set up.

“We can’t go down there! That’s where they’re racing.”

“Says who? They can’t stop me!” she declares.

Yep, she’s going to crash a race in order to get her leisurely walk in down by the river.

Busy Weekend, Expensive Weekend

I must note the fact that we have now moved into August. That’s so hard to believe. We are more than half way through 2021. Five months until the ball drops. Five months until Christmas. And, seeing as how it’s August it won’t be long until the temperatures drop and we have to put away our sandals, which is a bit of shame because I bought five pairs over the weekend. This is why I try to be a couch potato over the weekend. If I’m out I’m spending money and this weekend I was definitely out.

Last weekend I spent the entire weekend in my jammies. It was divine. I watched YouTube clips and perused Facebook. Slept naked and put my jammies on in the morning. They were ultra comfortable. Didn’t wear a bra all weekend. Moved from my bedroom to the couch to the table. That was pretty much it. My mother was not happy. She’s always on a quest for adventure during the weekend. 

“Where are we going to go? What are we going to do?” She’ll go places just to be able to say she’s done something. I knew I was not going to get away with another jammie weekend.

Friday I got home a little late. I had an eye appointment at 4:20 and afterwards I did some shopping for my office. I have an office now, you know, and it’s pretty sparse. I’ve been in it for 2 or 3 weeks now and I haven’t really decorated aside from the things I had on my desk previously. So I bought some fake plants and a new lamp because my office is very dark. I got some things for my “office kit”- ibuprofen, chapstick, eye drops, lotion. All those little things you don’t necessarily want to carry around with you but it’s nice to have. I also got some snacks and drinks to store in my office.

Saturday morning we went to the Farmer’s Market. We got a late start so we started off with breakfast. I had an omelet if you’re interested. I also ended up buying some products from a very nice gentleman who makes all sorts of products with lavender. I got 2 Christmas presents because I bought my daughter and my niece a salt scrub. Got myself one as well, along with a linen spray, a tea diffuser, and one single tea bag as opposed to an entire tin so I could sample the tea. Then I bought two cute little air ferns that I’m told will be difficult to kill along with their adorable little planters.

After that we went over to Howard Park to take a walk. We probably walked a good hour. Stopped and got a burger at little tavern right across from the park where we were served by a very nice but barely dressed young woman. Took our food home to put it in the refrigerator and then headed out to Costco so I could get gas and replenish my protein shakes. Plus I bought wine. I didn’t need it but I bought it. And some Keto crackers which I’m excited about. Next stop was the mall where we got mani/pedis.

Oh how I’ve missed this. I’ve been telling myself for the last few weeks I need to get one but I’ve been too damn lazy to move my ass off the couch over the weekend. To give you some kind of an idea of how long it’s been… My last pedicure happened in January when I went to see Rock Star. I used to get them monthly. My last manicure happened in March of 2020, right before everything shut down. I used to get them done every 2-3 weeks. I’m definitely going to get another pedicure sooner than 8 months from now.

Now that my toes were looking pretty again I was ready to buy some sandals. I have been wearing the same pair of cute little black flats all summer. I have worn another pair of black flats maybe 3 or 4 times since the weather has been warmer, but aside from those few times, it’s been this one poor pair of shoes. I desperately wanted some appropriate work shoes since the two other pair I had worn the previous summers had both worn out.

Let me tell you, it was not easy. They had lots of cute shoes on display but most of them were not in my size. They were either a half or whole size too small or a whole size too big. I was getting so frustrated.

We ended up walking the mall from end to end, hitting up different shoe departments before returning to our first stop. I finally found one pair that I could deal with, and I found 4 new blouses that were on clearance.

After the mall we tried TJ Maxx. I did find a pair there as well and I bought my dogs some dog treats since I was already there and they were in the checkout lane.

Then it was onto DSW Shoes. I hit the jackpot there. I paid a little more than I intended but I got two pairs of sandals and a really cute pair of boots that were already on clearance and I got another 40% off.

Written out like that it doesn’t seem like a lot but we left the house around 9:30 in the morning and didn’t finish up our day until around 8 pm. It was a lot of shopping. And we were going to do even more the next day.

We were going to go to Kohl’s on Saturday but it was getting so late we decided to do that on Sunday. Plus, I had forgotten to pick up a few things at Target when I was there the night before. Sunday ended up being a day for Target, Marshall’s, and Kohl’s.

I picked up deodorant, saline solution, Cards Against Humanity, and a crockpot for Rock Star at Target, plus a light bulb for my new lamp. My mom wanted to go to Marshall’s so we walked over there after I put my stuff in the trunk. That’s where I found yet another pair of shoes, two tops, and a few cute signs for office along with two cute plants. One is tiny and the other is an arrangement of sunflowers in a pickup truck. Trust me when I say it’s cute. I also spoiled my dogs and got them another bag of treats along with some new toys.

We made a stop for lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant. I skipped the margarita because I knew it would make me tired but I did indulge in chips and salsa.s

Finally we headed to Kohl’s. I got a $50 gift card at Christmas and I hadn’t used it yet. I got myself a really cute new dress, 2 new bras, and 2 more tops.

I topped off my day with a visit with Sweet J who is finally back home for a little bit.

It was a very busy and very expensive weekend. And that is precisely why I try to stay at home in my jammies all weekend!

Good Times Ahead… And Behind

I’ve been taking a long stroll down Memory Lane these past few posts. Some of you may be wondering, “Why don’t you shut off those memory notifications, Sam?”

Simple. I don’t want to.

Why? Do you love being tortured?

No. No, I do not like being tortured. Honestly, I’m not tortured by any of these memories. It’s more that they pop up and I shake my head at how naïve I was. Or maybe it’s more that I shake my head in disgrace at how far I buried my head in the sand when it came to that jackass. I see those pictures, those happy pictures of us (us being me and my kids) and my overwhelming thought is, “Oh, you poor thing. You had no idea what was heading your way.” Truth.

That’s the root of it, and this walk down memory lane. I look back on those pictures and my first thought is, “What a fucking waste!” when I see my kids and I doing all of our favorite things one last time, going to our favorite places, eating our favorite foods. “What a fucking waste!” I say as I see the pictures of our house up for sale, the moving truck loading up our things, all of my goodbye gifts from my friends, last minute gatherings, saying goodbye to everyone. We moved for what? Absolutely nothing. For the promise of a new life, a chance to start over.

I see those pictures of me and the kids on our three week trip out to Indiana and Utah and while the overwhelming memory is how much fun we had and how great it was to see everyone, I am reminded that the entire time we were away Jerry Lee was doing God only knows what with Harley. As I was reading the news of my friend’s impending divorce and lending her comfort my own husband was busy betraying me. I still remember writing to her that I was one of the “lucky ones” because we worked through it. Huh. Not even two months later I would be calling her and telling her I was joining the Women Who Moved Across the Country For Their Husbands and Then Got Dumped club. It’s a mouthful.

I see the pictures of us again down in Florida on what was supposed to be our family vacation and again, while the overwhelming memory is of what a great time we had, I am always aware of how dramatically our lives were about to change.

Those are all pictures of my old life, the one I had before the last DDay. Regardless of how it ended those pictures represent what was once my life. It was a mere chapter and not the entire book, but it was mine nonetheless.

My children are in those pictures, too. My nieces. My nephew. My brother and mother and sister-in-law. My family. Videos of Rock Star at her gymnastics meets and during practice. Videos of birthday parties. So no, I won’t get rid of the Facebook memories.

And you know what? Those memories that make me cringe come up sometimes alongside new memories. New, good memories. Sometimes I see things like my trip to Hocking Hills with the mobster where we walked around this beautiful, almost magical, park all day and then had an amazing time sampling wine at Hocking Hills Winery. Other times I’m treated to pictures of our weekend in Germantown, in parks, at wineries, in Athens, at the Blueberry Festival. Or pictures of us at the Paula Poundstone concert or the Kane Brown concert will pop up. So many memories between the two of us. Other times I come across a picture of me and Sweet J hanging out at a baseball game. Or there’s a post reminding me that my long time friend took me to The Damned concert up in Detroit. There’s the picture of me and my high school friends reunited for dinner. Sometimes I get to see pictures of me and my niece and my mom on one of our town’s wine walks. And there are always the holiday and birthday pictures. They’re not all tug-at-the-heartstrings memories. Some of them, most of them, are happy memories with no foreshadowing, unless you count my entire life as foreshadowing.

I’m almost six years from DDay. The things that happened changed me forever. The life I live now is nowhere close to the life I lived before. The trick is to keep on going. Roll with the punches. Dodge ‘em if you can. 

Oh What the Hell… Let’s Keep Going

Yesterday it was the picture my mom put up back in 2016 when I picked up the U-Haul that would transport what few belongings we were taking with us back to Indiana. Sam the truck driver, read the caption.

Today it was the little timeline notice showing that I had moved to South Bend on this day five years ago.

Wow- let that one wash over you for a moment. Five years since Jerry Lee lost his job and decided financially supporting his children wasn’t a priority. Five years since I walked through my house putting price tags on everything I owned to attempt to sell it. Five years since I sold off my furniture piece by piece. Five years since I packed up and moved here. Five years since I cried as I drove out of my neighborhood. Five years since I’ve lived in a house that is truly my own.

My view driving into my subdivision.
My house
My pool
My enclosed porch

A lot has changed in those five years, as you might imagine. I finally got a better job. My daughter is beginning her final year of nursing school in a month. My son has finally graduated high school. Shockingly, I found love again. I lost my beloved Beau. My mom lost her dog. I beat Jerry Lee in court over and over and over again. Fingers crossed he’s finally learned. And in about 3 weeks my love, my mobster, will be moving to my area. Hooray! No more weekends only. No more 2, 3, 4 weeks between visits. I’ll write about that more later.

I could be sad. I could wallow in sorrow over all that was lost. My word of the year is attitude and the word the year before was change. I’m going to look at it like five years ago my life began all over again. One chapter ended. Another chapter began.