I don’t want anyone thinking I’m slipping into a deep depression or anything with those last three posts. I’m up to the same old, same old. Except I got my nose pieced this morning. Now I look like a bad ass. My mom hates it, of course. I went with a co-worker. There were supposed to be four of us but one by one they dropped out until it was just the two of us.
After the nose piercing we went up to a winery where they were having a small festival. There were 3 food trucks, a handful of vendors, and wine. I only ended up buying two things- a beautiful water color print in a frame, and an amethyst bracelet. It’s supposed to heal and restore. According to one website it “has long been a symbol of peace, cleansing, and calming energy.” I think I can use some of that. It’s also supposed to allviate sadness and grief and is said to dispel rage, help manage fears and anger, and calm rage and anxiety. Excellent! I shall wear it all times.
It is actually a beautiful day here in Indiana. The weather is mild- not too hot, not too cold. There’s a nice breeze. Picasso brought all the patio furniture out a couple of days ago so I’m hanging out in one of my new chairs I bought last year, blogging and letting my curious cats explore under my watchful eye.
Tomorrow we’re picking up Sweet J and going to the zoo. She wants to feed the giraffes. After the zoo we may hit up Frankie’s Tacos.
As of right now there’s nothing planned for Monday. I may run out and grab some groceries. I may buy a new fire pit and a new swing. I may buy some more plants. Who knows? The world is full of possibilities.
I booked my flight for Vegas. My daughter and I are going out in September and our friends are supposed to meet up with us. Even if they don’t my daughter and I are going to have a fantastic four full days out there.
Hawaii is being pushed to early next year so my mom and I may fly into northern California and drive down the Pacific Coast Highway instead. The waterfalls in Oregon are supposed to be best in early spring.
I hope you’re having a relaxing Memorial Day if you’re in the States. I’ll be back soon.
I left off last time saying I never thought Matt would leave me. I thought he was the type of person who was all in once he picked a mate.
I was so, so wrong. I feel foolish. There’s a part of me, too, that wonders why the fuck I wasn’t enough? What the hell did I do that was so wrong?
His wife cheated on him and his reaction was to buy her roses and spray paint landscapes on snow banks. She was fooling around yet again when they moved to Virginia and he was laying out her chaps so she could go for a motorcycle ride with the guy she was cheating with. She proclaimed, “I only showed him my pussy!” when she was caught messing around with a fellow addict from AA. She hid the fact that she was smoking again from him and had her family keeping cigarettes for her, and his ultimate response was to pick up the habit himself because, as he put it, “I figured if I couldn’t beat her I would join her.” She smeared him behind his back for years to her family, telling them he wouldn’t allow her to get a tattoo, telling them he was controlling and abusive. She told the new people in her life the same stuff and added on that he dictated what kind of clothes she could wear and that he was emotionally abusive to their daughter as well. She is an alcoholic who has no desire to get sober. She returned from rehab and he had bought her a brand new stove. Sent her song lyrics while she was in rehab. Told her how much he loved her and how he wouldn’t give up on her. All of this, despite the professional telling him to get the fuck out because she was going to take them all down with her. She hid liquor bottles in their young daughter’s room and God only knows where else, and she endangered the lives of their children and their children’s friends. All of this and he’s falling all over himself to keep her in his life.
Me? Oh, I didn’t decorate a fucking Christmas float. I told him I wasn’t going to play second fiddle to his co-workers, primarily his little white trash, pothead female co-worker. I was on my phone too much. Because I wasn’t kissing the trashy little pot smoker’s ass I obviously didn’t want to assimilate into his life and that hurt his little feelings. I didn’t back up my words with actions. Hmm… maybe instead of using all of my vacation time to visit him or spending hundreds of dollars on airfare or bending over backwards to be understanding and accommodating I should have gone off and fucked a couple of guys behind his back and then lied to him about it. Or started smoking pot or become an alcoholic. Hell, I could up the ante and start shooting up heroin. Maybe that would have been backing up my actions. Seems he has a hell of a lot more respect for whores and addicts and women who abandon their children than he does for me.
I was never one of those mushy type people. I didn’t believe in soul mates or true love. I thought it was bullshit. I didn’t believe in a love of your life or a person. I always knew there were millions of people with whom you could be compatible. I didn’t understand people who ditched their friends when they got a boyfriend. Then Matt came along and blew all of that out of the water. Suddenly I understood all of that bullshit. He was the love of my life, my person. He was the one I confided in. He was almost always the first person I talked to about anything. I told him everything. My life revolved around him. I thought he hung the moon.
It felt amazing living in that fantasy for a while. I felt like a teenager again. Maybe that’s not the feeling you should go for but I loved wearing the matching t-shirts, “arguing” about who loved whom more, and having inside jokes with someone. I was happy. I floated and smiled all the time. I finally had someone who wanted to do things with me. It may have been long distance but I did more with him in five years than I did with my husband in 20- concerts, wineries, vacations, family events, work events.
Unfortunately it is now time to come back to earth and give up on the idea of finding someone to share life with. I’m sure that there are examples of true, lasting love out there but I don’t think I will ever find that. I thought I had but apparently I am an idiot and I know absolutely nothing and I’m really really easily fooled. So I am done. I will never trust a man again.
There is a song by Lady Antebellum called “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”. In the song it talks about how the bridges that have been burned have left her with these walls and scars that won’t go away. Opening up has always been hard until “he” came along. At one point she sings: I’m falling fast but the truth is I’m not scared at all. You climbed my walls.
That was one of our songs. I thought it was so appropriate because I had been through Hell. After going through what I did with Jerry Lee I don’t think I could be blamed if I never trusted again and never let anyone in. But just like in the song I trusted him and it didn’t scare me at all. My walls came tumbling down. He was safe and he was my everything. I thought he showed me what a relationship was supposed to be like.
Instead, he taught me to keep those walls up, that it’s not safe to let them down. I will never confide in a man again. He will never be my first call. Hell, I may not call him and tell him anything at all. I will never allow a man to become my best friend like I did with Matt. I may be stupid when it comes to recognizing something is wrong but I’m pretty good at not putting myself back into the same shitty situation. Like I said, the problem is they just develop new traps and I fall for them. So, never again. I’ll never go all in with a man again. I won’t trust him with my secrets. I won’t share my day to day life. I’m keeping friends and family separate. No, I don’t want to meet your parents, your siblings, your kids, your friends. When you dump me I’m never going to see them again anyway. Don’t waste my time. I will never make him my primary focus. I don’t care if I enjoy what I’m doing or not; I will not cancel in order to go someplace with a dude. It’s going to be, “Look, I’ve got about an hour this week where I can squeeze you in. I’ve got Saturday from 3-4, or Thursday from 7:45-8:45 free. If it works for you, great. If not, I don’t give a shit.”
It really is a damn shame. If he had just left me alone I would have no idea what I was missing. I would have no frame of reference for a decent relationship and wouldn’t lament the fact that I’m alone. I was pretty sure I was going to be alone forever after Jerry Lee and I was fine with it. But nooooo! For a good five years I thought I had an amazing relationship. I thought I had hit the jackpot and that he was amazing and wonderful and he was my reward for the hell I endured. Now I know they were all lies. I’m alone after being baited and given a taste of what it could be like. As much as I might miss having that kind of relationship there is no way in hell I will ever allow myself to fall for someone like that again.
Yes, Jerry Lee made it impossible for me to ever co-mingle funds with another man lest he leave me homeless and picking up the pieces of my broken life while he trots off into the sunset with all of his money and his new girlfriend. Matt has made it impossible for me to ever merge my life or plan a future with another man lest he breaks my heart and replaces me with a vastly inferior model. He has taught me that no matter how wonderful the man seems, how amazing the relationship seems, it’s all lies and eventually that wonderful man is going to leave and that amazing relationship will end. He let me believe he was the love of my life and then he taught me there is no such thing.
I was thinking about the difference between him and Jerry Lee. After Jerry Lee cheated I wasn’t interested in dating but it wasn’t like I believed every single guy out there was a lying, cheater. I figured I would be alone forever because I was old, fat, poor, lived with my mom instead of having a home of my own, at one point had no job but moved up to working two low paying jobs which is very impressive in your 40s, and had two teenage children. I also remember feeling like I just didn’t have the bandwidth to start all over and get to know someone from scratch. I was not interested but I didn’t think the next guy would cheat on me or abandon me.
This time it’s the opposite. It’s not that I think no one will want me. It’s that I don’t trust anyone. I had someone tell me how amazing I was- only he didn’t mean it. He pretended to care about me and my life and my likes and dislikes. I had someone tell me that he loved me, adored me, I was the best thing to ever happen to him and he’d never felt this way about a person before. And it was all lies. This person I loved more than anyone made me promises, reassurred me, and then turned around and abandoned me. I cannot handle another man telling me he loves me and then abandoning me with no warning. I just can’t.
I know there have been many well meaning people who have said something along the lines of, “I think that when you meet the right person you won’t feel that way anymore.”
I thought I had met the right person. I thought I had my eyes wide open. I vetted him. I looked for reciprocity. He treated me well. He listened to me. He seemed to respect my opinions. He seemed to think I was amazing and smart and funny. He seemed to genuinely like me as a person and think I was incredible. Until his white trash, pot smoking co-worker shook her ass in front of him and he no longer knew where he was “with that” when it came to loving me.
I thought he was a person who was committed and loyal. I always had a certain amount of respect for the relationship he had shared with his wife. He told me how they met at the grocery store where they both worked. How he had two tickets to a concert and whoever was supposed to go with him backed out so he invited her. I’m not sure if he even knew who she was or had his eye on her before he invited her. At the time it sounded like she was some random female he asked. Long story short she accepted, they went to the concert, and they were never apart from that moment on.
I saw a guy who fell hard and fell fast.
He told me that after almost a year together he was going to break up with her. I think some of it may have been due to her drinking but the other part was him just wanting to find out what was out there. He didn’t date much in high school. He didn’t have a lot of experience with women period by the time he had met her. He wanted to sow his wild oats, so to speak. But then she announced she was pregnant so he married her. He went on to have three more children with her. And he would tell you that they had 12 or so excellent years together.
I know some people will talk about how they “had to get married” and that is the narrative that takes over the entire relationship. It’s this subtle feeling that they’re missing out and they wish things had been different because they never would have chosen this person they’re stuck with. He never did that. Maybe he married her because it was the “right” thing to do from his very religious background, but he was determined to make the best of it. He never acted like it was a prison sentence. He never considered divorce to be an option, even when she was sliding off the rails. Even when health care professionals told him to take his kids and run. He still stuck in there and fawned over her and fought for their relationship.
I saw a man who, once he committed to a person, remained committed for life. I saw a man who was loyal. Who didn’t quit. Until me.
I think part of what has made this so difficult is the feeling of being blindsided. For whatever reason I always had in the back of my mind that Jerry Lee might leave me some day. He might get tired of my shit and decide he had had enough and just leave. I foolishly thought he would never cheat, but I did believe he could possibly leave me. Maybe it’s a fear all stay at home moms have. God knows the many dreams I had where he was leaving me didn’t help. Those suckers were those dreams within a dream. You know, the ones where you’re dreaming but then you dream you woke up and now what’s happening is reality and not a dream? Yeah, I had quite a few of those about Jerry Lee leaving me. Again, it was never for someone else. He just left.
With Matt I never thought he would leave me. From everything he had ever shared I deduced he was the type of person who once he was in, he was all in. I thought he was like a gosling that imprinted on someone shortly after birth. That was his person and always would be until the other person cut the cord that bound them.
I thought this was appropriate for today. This would have been our six year anniversary. And what better time to reflect back on what I learned from my last ill-fated relationship? To be fair, we used to have our cutesy little argument over whether we should count the 23rd or 24th because he re-posted my blog post on the 23rd but we didn’t actually text until the 24th. I figure I can honor both days by dividing this long ass post into multiple parts. I’m going to make this a 3 parter because we talked on the phone on the 25th. Enjoy or skip over these next 3 posts. Readers choice.
For years I’ve said I learned the hard way not to make a man your plan. Otherwise put as: Don’t ever financially rely upon a man. That’s what Jerry Lee taught me. I went from living an upper middle class lifestyle to moving back in with my mom, working two retail jobs, barely having enough to pay my bills and do a little something extra for my kids, and donating plasma to make sure I had money for Christmas. It took me five years to finally get to a point where if he stopped paying I wouldn’t immediately have to go back to donating plasma or working a second job. I learned that lesson fast. All it took was one divorce where I lost everything. Never again will I allow myself to be financially dependent upon a man. If I can’t buy it for myself I don’t want it. If I can’t afford it on my own I don’t want it. I will never lose my home again or be forced to move because a man decides he wants to fuck somebody else.
It’s a hard lesson to learn and it’s very difficult to accept. You grow up believing it’s a team effort. You grow up thinking what’s his is yours and what’s yours is his. You’ll combine resources. You’re told that it’s marital assets. But it turns out marital assets don’t mean shit most of the time. I see my Facebook friends- relatives, friends, high school classmates, co-workers- who have everything they have thanks to their husbands. Many times they’ve quit their jobs to be stay at home mommies. I look at the schedules for some of the yoga studios and can tell by the class times that those places are geared towards the stay at home wife, not working women, and I think, “Wow- it would be nice to be able to go to yoga in the middle of the day. Have lunch with friends. Make appointments whenever it suits me.” Sometimes I think it would be nice to be that naive and trusting again. Sometimes I just think it would be nice to combine incomes and earning power with someone and get that much further ahead. I think about how nice it would be to buy a house. But I know I can’t count on a man for that. Good ol’ Jerry Lee taught me that if I can’t afford it then it’s not mine. If I’m counting on a man then I need to be prepared to watch it all disappear when he takes off for greener pastures with his cousin because it was never my money that made any of it possible. Lesson learned.
Matt went a step further. He taught me I can never depend upon a man- period. It doesn’t matter what they say- they don’t mean it. They’ll tell you they love you. They’ll tell you they want a future with you. They’ll tell you that you are what they’ve always been looking for. But I’ve learned that lesson quickly, too. They’ll change their mind. They will eventually leave you.
There is a person on TikTok that I follow. She grew up in the Mormon church, married at 19, had 5 kids, was the obligatory stay at home mom, and then discovered her husband was cheating on her with underage prostitues, among others. Eventually she files for divorce and her husband financially abuses her, culminating in her and the kids losing their home and her attempting suicide. Predator Daddy of the Year is still avoiding child and spousal support but has plenty of money to take ski trips, drive luxury cars, lives in an obstentacious house, and basically living a life of luxury with no thoughts whatsoever of his children.
I mentioned above that she grew up in the Mormon church. That is important because so many people in the comments tell her that she chose this life, or that she should have picked better.
No, she was indoctrinated. And I don’t say that in a demeaning way although I suppose I could have chosen a different word. She grew up in a religious community and this is what was expected of her. You get married, you have babies, and you stay at home with them. To be fair, most of my Mormon friends did go back to work after the youngest child hit school age; however, in Jenni’s case her five children were spread out quite a bit and they also had a foster child.
mShe also explained that it was her money that purchased a windshield business for her husband, which she worked at as well. She put her career dreams on hold to help him realize his dreams. And like most of us stay at home moms who ended up finding out we were married to a lying cheater and ended up divorced she lost everything.
Her page is all about never being a stay at home mom. If you’re going to make that poor deciision that make sure your husband pays you a monthly stipend that goes into an account that he legally cannot touch. The stipend she suggests is not that much- $250 a month. Her reasoning is that if she had an account of her own at the time she left she would have had money to pay rent and hire a lawyer.
She recommends having a backup plan and she frequently tells people that there is a 70% chance that something is going to happen that will upset the applecart, whether that is death, disability, or divorce. Protect yourself! is her main message.
Men go nuts in her comments section. You’d think she was advocating for death to all men. She’s not She’s saying don’t stay home and don’t rely on your husband Make your own damn money. Have a backup plan.
I shouldn’t be surprised I suppose considering the amount of unpaid child support is in the billions and yet somehow it does surprise when men congratulate her husband on getting out of paying child support. They are applauding a man who is refusing to help support his child. Yes, that is truly admirable. What next? Are they going to cheer on the man who drowns kittens?
Child support should be abolished! Spousal support is absolute rubbish and if you call yourself a feminist you shouldn’t be willing to take it. Hey, if I call it an asshole tax instead am I okay to accept it? Just kidding! I don’t give a fuck what those misogynist neandrethals think.
It’s like they don’t understand women make a contribution in the household even if they don’t work outside of it. They also don’t seem to understand that it takes money to provide for children. Those kids don’t stop being their responsibility just because they’re no longer getting to fuck the mothers, and that does seem to be the prevaiiling attitude. As long as you’re willing to perform sexual favors they’re willing to support their offspring. Once they no longer get pussy they don’t care whether those kids eat or starve.
So many of them talk about “no woman is going to take what I’ve worked for!” In their eyes everything is theirs. They are the ones that go into work every day so it’s their money and their house and their kids and their toys and their everything else. They never stop to think about what her emotional labor provides. In her case it was her fucking money that funded the businesses they held. Why wasn’t her name on any of it? Her bishop told her not to. It was her job as a faithful, subservient wife to rely upon her husband. As her husband’s job experience and income increased hers remained the same- absolutely nothing.
One man stitched one of her videos, calling her tone deaf and insisting that any woman who goes into a marriage with a backup plan is going to end up divorced.
Sir, are you honestly trying to gaslight us into believing that being able to take care of ourselves is a bad thing? That being financially independent leads to divorce? It must be a scary thing when you realize that bringing home a paycheck is no longer the flext it used to be.
I suppose he is partially correct. When you have your own money you don’t need to put up with any shit. You may choose to but you don’t have to. I think Mr. Misogynist was lamenting the fact that men could no longer control women because they were the only ones with money. If you have a backup plan, options, if you will, then you don’t need to accept being controlled in order to be fed and housed.
I always find it so amusing how mad these men get when she recommends no one stay at home. I find it amusing how mad they are when she says to always make your own money and not be dependent upon a man.
They say in one breath they shouldn’t have to pay child or spousal support. In the very next breath they are crying about this idea of a woman not being reliant upon them. Which is it, sport? Do you want women to be financially dependent on you, which is going to result in you paying child and spousal support (in some cases), or do you want her to keep her hands off of your money which means she needed to be financially independent before the divorce?
I would ask if they realize that those two things are at opposite ends of the spectrum. The reality is I’m pretty sure they know. They don’t like women who don’t need them. Women who need them are much more easily controlled. A woman with her own money is a dangerous thing.
Why didn’t anyone tell me that yoga fucking hurts? Holy shit! It wasn’t terrible while I was doing it, although I did have my moments when I thought I was going to collapse, but the aftermath? I got in bed that night and realized my legs were sore. The following day I realized my abs were sore. My shoulders were tense. I was a mess. How does assuming poses make you this sore?
Tomorrow I’m supposed to try aerial yoga. I looked it up on YouTube and got scared. I was going to chicken out. But someone on Facebook talked about going back and how much she loved it so I’m going to put my big girl panties on and give it a try. I’ll update you if I don’t die during it.
My daughter is supposed to be coming up tomorrow to celebrate Mother’s Day. It’s going to be a very short visit. Basically coming up for a late lunch and then running back home. I’m not sure why she’s bothering because between the short trip (almost six hours of driving for a one or two hour visit) and the fact that Notre Dame’s graduation is going to make it impossible to find a restaurant I think it’s going to be more of a clusterfuck than a celebration.
I’m also going to be working some this weekend. I’m still behind as far as I’m concerned. I don’t like leaving things until the very last day. I’m probably not as far behind as I think but better safe than sorry is my motto.
Next week is going to be a bit of a bitch of a week but at least I’ll get a 3 day weekend out of it.
Monday I have dinner with my trivia group. Tuesday I have a nail appointment and dinner with my former co-worker. Wednesday I drop my car off to get looked at. I paid for a diagnostic test to be done on my air conditioning because I have had to have freon or whatever they put in there now added every single year for probably the last 4 years. I’ve been told it’s a very slow leak but I don’t think it lasted the entire summer last year. Anyway, the diagnostic which was not cheap said there was nothing wrong it. Yet, mysteriously I have no air conditioning in my car. It blows hot air out at me. Not acceptable! Also on Wednesday I have the Purdue alumni scholarship banquet. I’m excited about that. That is the night I am officially elected to the board, too. Thursday is sweet J’s birthday so we’re going out for dinner. As always Friday is free. Saturday I’m not sure if they’ll have euchre or not what with it being Memorial Day weekend.
I guess that about sums it up. Wish me luck tomorrow. I plan on getting there right around 8:30 and making sure that this is a beginners class. If it’s not I suppose I can head on over to Target and get some shopping done before I head home to do laundry and pick up my room. I think I might actually be able to switch out my winter clothes for my summer clothes finally!
I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve given you an update. Life is hectic right now. One of my co-workers left the department so we are swamped. I couldn’t focus very well last week so naturally I’m behind. I just realized I scheduled something during my therapy session on Wednesday and I’m trying to decide if I should move the work event or cancel the therapy session. And, I’m also supposed to go to lunch with one of my current co-workers and someone we used to work with. She’s still at the bank; she’s just in a different department. That’s also taking place on Wednesday.
I have also made some deliciously fun plans for the next few upcoming months.
Last time I updated you all of our remote workers had come in for the week and I was gearing up for a slightly less busy upcoming week with a dinner out with my 50 and over group, a DAR meeting, and Trivia night.
My mom joined the over 50 group so she joined me at dinner. Once again it was a very nice time. I got to listen to two ladies talk about all of their overseas travel. I’ve never really been out of the States. I’ve been up to Canda twice- once for a week and the other time just for an evening- and I’ve been to the U.S. Virgin Islands, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t count for international travel. Anyway, it was quite fascinating to listen to their stories.
My mom would like to go to England, Scotland, and Ireland. I figure I’ll need to save up for those adventures but I’m willing to go.
Last Tuesday was our monthly DAR meeting. We met at the county REMC and ate pizza and then we refurbished wreaths for Memorial Day. It was no noodle day but it was fine.
Finally, on Wednesday we went to Trivia. Hmmm…. I hang out with my mother a lot.
Speaking of hanging out with my mom we went down to a local bar where we know the owners on Friday after dinner. I called up Sweet J to see if she wanted to meet us. I had some wings and stuck with diet Coke. It was good seeing Sweet J. She’s doing well. She has a new job and has moved in with her parents. We made plans to get together on her birthday later this month.
Saturday was my mom’s birthday. I took her to the Farmer’s Market for breakfast and to look around. Picasso tagged along. I ended up buying some outdoor plants- 2 hanging baskets, 2 dahlias, a tomato plant, a bowl of pansies and a cute little wooden wagon for my pansy bowl. After the Farmer’s Market we went to grab bird seed at one store and then were off to Fresh Thyme to grab corn and asparagus for grilling on Mother’s Day. My brother came over to visit and when he left I ran out and grabbed a chocolate chocolate chip bundt cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes. They are the absolute best. That evening we took her out for her birthday to a restaurant she picked. She wanted prime rib and knew this restaurant served it. My brother was making fun of her because of the so called advanced ages of all the customers but there was a nice crowd there, including kids, and the food is good. After dinner we came back to the house for cake.
Sunday was Mother’s Day, of course. We grilled out. My daughter was not able to come up because she worked that evening. She just switched over to nights. My brother and nephew came over as well. I let him do the grilling. It makes him feel needed. He mocked my gas grill but it came through for us.
This will be another easy week as far as after work activites go. Tonight was Mindful Meditation. We talked about impermanence. As the story goes a king asked the sages to make him a ring with a saying on it that would make him feel better whenever he was sad. The sages did as he asked and came up with a single sentence: This, too, shall pass.
This did, indeed, make the king feel better when he was sad. But it also made him sad when he was happy.
Oh, the conundrum!
So that was our lesson for discussion tonight. It actually helped. As one of the group members advised it is best to soak it all in and enjoy it while you can. For me, the takeaway was very similar to Chump Lady’s sage advice: The pain is finite. This, too, shall pass.
I’ll be missing it next week as our game group is having a dinner next Monday.
Tomorrow (pretty damn close to today and it will be by the time I finally finish this post!) my former co-worker who I adore is supposed to be meeting me over at the Oliver Mansion gardens to do Community Yoga. I am looking forward to it. I haven’t done yoga in ages. This is supposed to be for all skill levels. We’ll see. I’ll report back if I make it.
Wednesday is another round of trivia. Funny coincidence. I found out that one of the women in the 50 and over group also plays trivia where we do. I never noticed her there before. Honestly, I’m not that observant. It’s pretty difficult to see all of the other tables and we’re usually focused on each other and trying to figure out the answer. She asked if she could join us sometime if her group wasn’t planning on going because there are only 4 of them so if 2 can’t come they usually just won’t play.
I think I’m going to bite the bullet and sign myself up for aerial yoga this coming Saturday. I was going to do it this past Saturday but it was my mom’s birthday and I opted to take her to the Farmer’s Market instead.
What are these delicious plans I have, you may be wondering? I’m so glad you asked.
I was browsing through Facebook when an ad popped up for Broadway in my town. I decided to check it out. On a whim I decided to buy tickets. I thought I was buying 2 tickets for that price, but apparently it was only 1 ticket and my price was double. A bit of a sticker shock but I pulled through. I get to see Pretty Woman, the musical, in November. There is a Cirque du Soleil Christmas program in December. Alladin is in March. Little Women is in April. And on June 1, 2024 I get to go see Mama Mia!
If that’s not exciting enough I also decided to buy tickets to a special showing of The Princess Bride in June. Cary Elwes will be there after the screening to talk about the movie. Even better, I opted to splurge for the VIP tickets so I get a signed copy of his book and I get to meet him. I asked Picasso if he would be interested in going and he was so I’m taking him with me.
In November I’m going to see Straight No Chaser on their Sleighin’ It tour.
But wait! There’s more! I was sitting at home, working and minding my own business when my longtime friend texted me to ask, “How do you feel about Rick Springfield?” Well, I love him. He’s a beautiful, beautiful man. I told her as much. I knew he was coming to Indianapolis in August but I couldn’t think of anyone to go with. Turns out she wanted to see him, too! So we’re going to the Rick Springfield concert in August down in Indy.
I think the thing I like best about that, aside from spending time with her, of course, is that this will be a chance to take something back and make a new memory. The one and only time I got to see Rick Springfield was when the guy I dated and I went last year. It will be a year ago later this month. It will be awesome to make a new memory surrounding this.
My Hawaii plans are probably going on the backburner a little bit longer. My daughter is stressed out right now with her switch to nights and I have another co-worker that will be taking an extended leave in October which is when we were hoping to go.
I am still hoping to go to Vegas in September, and with Hawaii off the plate it’s possible I may head out to Oregon to see those falls. Or, I may wait until next year and do something else. Maybe I’ll head up the east coast instead.
I should head to bed. It’s after midnight and I’m going into the office tomorrow.
Do any of you have any plans? This week or this summer? Sometime in the future? Don’t be shy. Share them!
It is Mother’s Day once again. It’s that time of year when men go on Facebook to tell the world how amazing their wives are, what great moms they are. It’s that time of year when women get on Facebook and thank their husbands for giving them the gift of their children and spoiling them rotten on this day. And it’s that time of year when women on the infidelity and divorce boards are bemoaning the fact that they are single and have no one thanking them/gifting them/blasting their virtues all over Facebook.
I suppose that’s the blessing of having a husband who never made a big deal out of anything that celebrated me. Don’t get me wrong. Jerry Lee was always good about sending flowers. I’m sure when the kids were very little he might have picked out a gift for me. I wouldn’t swear on a Bible that he ever did that but I’d like to think he did something for me. As the kids got older he kept sending flowers but I guess he figured a 10 and 12 year old were old enough to plot the day out themselves. Maybe they were 14 and 12… I also know he never went on Facebook to tell everyone what an amazing wife and mother I was and how lucky our kids were to have me. I would be willing to bet he does that for Harley though.
My daughter was 7 months old when we moved from Olive Branch to the Grand Rapids area so for the first 6 years that I was a mother I got my child(ren) ready and went down to my own mother’s (approximately 2 hours away) to celebrate with my siblings and their kids. The day was never really about me, aside from the flowers I received. Jerry Lee didn’t even come with me so that he could wrangle children while I relaxed. No, he spent it relaxing on our nice comfortable sectional, watching TV and fixing himself God only knows what for lunch and dinner.
Shockingly when Father’s Day came around he did not opt to take the kids with him to celebrate with his own dad. Instead I once again got the kids ready and headed on down to my mom’s. Or, if I didn’t go down to her house I was keeping the kids out of his way so that he could enjoy “his” day with no interruptions.
One Father’s Day I bought him a grill. Another Father’s Day I bought him a Play Station 4. It’s not flowers but it’s the thought that counts.
My philosophy is make Mother’s Day the day you want it to be. If you want your kids to recognize you then let them know that. It doesn’t have to be over the top or passive aggressive. Hey, it’s Mother’s Day this weekend. I’d like for you and your siblings to plan something. Or even, I’d like to do something special that day. And then make those plans and do it! Who cares if you have to plan it? You can either plan it and have an incredible day, or you can sit around waiting for someone to read your mind and be disappointed.
Maybe Mother’s Day looks like something completely different for you. I know when my kids were really little I would have given anything for Jerry Lee to take them for the day and just let me have a day to myself. I had them 24/7 365 days out of the year. I could have done with 24/7 364 days out of the year.
Maybe it’s planning a spa day (are they even open on Mother’s Day?) or a trip or as I suggested above a day of adventure. I would do those with my kids back when they were young. From monring to night we’d go out to eat and we’d have fun all day long. I’m pretty sure most of the time they got to pick what we were going to do.
If you’re married or with the father of your child(ren) maybe it’s you and the females in your life taking some time for yourself- dinner, a movie, a hike, whatever it is that fills your soul with joy and peace.
Ultimately, while I’m sure it’s fun to have someone plan the day out for you and surprise you there is absolutely nothing wrong with planning it out yourself and making it happen. Celebrating the day isn’t only done when others take care of everything. You can celebrate even if you planned the celebration. Embrace that! Make yourself happy. Don’t wait for someone else. And don’t make your needs smaller to accomodate others. Take Mother’s Day back if you want it and make it into whatever makes you happy.
I appreciate Chump Lady’s message: Trust that they suck. She does not beat around the bush. She doesn’t encourage you to try to figure out what they were thinking or why they did the things they did. She says, “Trust that they suck. They did it because they wanted to and they could. They have empty elevator shafts where their souls should be.” Period. End of story.
There is no fondly looking back on tender moments in the relationship. There is no untangling of the skein. Just trust that they suck.
I think she really needs to wade into the TikTok market. While I love Darlene and she does recommend no contact and not remaining friends I think there’s a bit of hopium, as Chump Lady would put it.
Maybe Darlene’s audience is different. Chump Lady is writing for people who were cheated on. Darlene is talking to people from all walks of life. Now, being the cynic I am my guess would be that most of these people that are dealing with a breakup are also dealing with a cheater whether they know it or not. That aside there are apparently a lot of people out there who want to know if the person who left them thinks about them or misses them.
Darlene always wants to reassure us that of course they miss us. We’re fabulous. Even if they’re with someone new they still miss us. They still think of us.
I had this exact conversation with my best friend the last time we went out to dinner. Her own therapist had asked her one time, long, long ago, why she thought this guy she was mooning over didn’t ever think about her, too? Her therapist insisted that even though he had dumped her and had, in fact, gotten another person pregnant and was now engaged, that she wasn’t easily forgotten and he undoubtedly thought about her from time to time. He couldn’t turn it off in a blink of an eye. She had mattered to him and he was going to think about her. It wasn’t a one way street.
I suppose for some people that’s comforting. It pisses me off. I don’t give a shit if he’s missing me. It does me no good. I don’t feel good about it. It doesn’t warm my heart. It’s a total waste. If he misses me so fucking much he shouldn’t have left.
I think if they do miss us, and that’s a really big if, then what they are really missing is what we did for them. They miss us cooking. They miss the way we make them feel. They miss the sex. I don’t believe for a moment he reflects on all that he chose to leave behind. I don’t think he ever thinks, “Wow! She really loved me. She was such an amazing partner and we had such a fantastic relationship. I miss having that easy connection.” I don’t think he ever thinks, “Sharna would have found that funny. She would have understood that. She would have known what that meant.” I know damn well he didn’t go two months without eating. I’ll put my tears up against his any day.
I know the “advice” is supposed to be helpful and it’s supposed to reassure you that you haven’t dropped off into some abyss in their mind. But does it really? Does giving some lovesick fool hope that this person who dumped them still thinks about them and remembers them fondly do any good?
I tend to think it keeps you stuck. I much prefer thinking that Matt didn’t miss a beat. I prefer thinking that he has never given me a second thought. I prefer thinking he was fucking someone else within 24 hours of dumping me, if not already cheating on me. I prefer envisioning him acting like an overgrown teenager hanging out in his co-worker’s basement, drinking, playing pool, and singing karaoke without thinking about me and how he hasn’t spoken to me in months. I prefer thinking of him going into work every day with a smile on his face and a song in his heart and never once thinking about the fact that he used to talk to me every single morning on his way in. I prefer to believe that he never thinks about our time together even when he goes to a restaurant or into a store that we went to together. It’s just easier.
I have an inkling that when he finally realized I blocked and deleted him off of everything he had a slight temper tantrum. Our private Facebook page that had all of our adventures together on it was deleted shortly after I deleted and blocked him on Facebook. I also recently noticed that he removed me as a contact on one of our group Facebook chats.
I realize I blocked and deleted him first; however, I still think that’s childish on his part. That Grand Adventures page wasn’t hurting anyone and you had to actually click on it to get to it. It wasn’t like it was going to pop up over and over again. Big baby.
Does he miss me? I don’t give a shit. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t take away the hurt he caused. The damage is done. Miss me. Don’t miss me. The outcome is the same. We’ll never be friends. We’ll never be a couple again. We live 600 miles apart; we won’t ever see each other again. Him missing me won’t change any of that.
Queen Kelly slays again. I’ve shared before how Kelly was a huge part of my divorce when I was first going through it. I remember driving along those curves and hills in Harrisonburg, playing her songs at full blast, singing along. “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” was an anthem of sorts for me, although God only knows why. I had no idea what I was going to do. I didn’t know where I would find a job, if I would still be in Virginia, if I was going to make enough money to support myself and my kids, if I would would be able to keep my house, or if I would ever be loved again. But I played that song and sang along and felt invincible.
I fell in love with her Christmas song written for her new husband. The pure joy and happiness radiated throughout the song. New love. Dreams coming true. Finally finding her person.
I watched her on the American Idol series finale (before ABC brought it back) as she sang “Piece By Piece,” choking up towards the end. The song was about how her own father had let her down and didn’t find any value in her until she became famous, unlike her husband and the father of her child. He loved Kelly for who she was, not what she could do for him. He would never leave his own daughter. He would always put her first. He was going to behave how fathers should behave.
If you’ve followed along in the news at all you know she went through a very public, very acrimonious divorce from this “amazing man”. Recently, she announced she was putting out a new album and shortly after that announcement she released two new songs.
They are phenomenal. I can hardly wait until the album drops.
The two songs that dropped simultaneously are “me” and “mine”. When talking about the album Kelly admitted that she wasn’t sure she was ever going to release the songs when she wrote them. She also explained that the album covers the entire length of the relationship. The two songs she released certainly run the gamut from beginning to end.
“mine” is all about the heartbreak of a breakup while “me” is a soulful, kick ass reminder that our Kelly can do anything.
Of the two I like “mine” better. I like the whole vibe of the song, the composition, the choir for the chorus, the melody. It’s beautiful. And the lyrics… They so perfectly sum up what I have been feeling for months.
You know I question every motive,
everything you say
Thought with you maybe my heart
wasn’t meant to break
Can’t believe I let you in, I can’t believe I stayed
As long as I stayed, yeah
I hope one day someone will take your
heart and hold it tight
Make you feel like you’ve invincible
deep inside
And right when you think that it’s perfect,
they cross a line
And steal your shine
Like you did mine
Go ahead and break my heart, that’s fine
(so unkind)
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
(oh love is blind)
Why am I missing you tonight?
(Was it all a lie?)
Someone’s gonna show you how a heart
can be used
Like you did mine
And now I second guess my thoughts,
every step I take
I’m losing hope in love and
I’ve lost all in faith
Yeah, for a dreamer I just close my eyes
and it’s all blank
I have you to thank, yeah
I hope one day someone will take your
heart and hold it tight
Make you feel like you’re invincible
deep inside
And right when you think that
you’ll try again
they cross a line
And steal your shine
Like you did mine.
Go ahead and break my heart, that’s fine
(so unkind)
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
(oh love is blind)
Why am I missing you tonight?
(Was it all a lie?)
Someone’s gonna show you how a heart
can be used
Like you did mine
And you keep talkin’, it’ll come back,
karma
It’s the truth, I don’t make you look bad,
you do, darlin’
Sabotage, your choice of art
Who the hell do you think you are?
Go ahead and break my heart, that’s fine
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Why am I missing you tonight?
Someone’s gonna show you how a heart
can be used
Like you did mine
I get it, Kelly. I understand completely what it’s like to meet someone and have that connection, to think that your heart is finally safe and that this is a person who will never betray you or let you down. I, too, thought my heart would never break with this person. I thought I found an honest, committed, loyal man who would never break my heart, and never leave me. Like Kelly, I second guess myself constantly. I don’t believe in love. I don’t have much faith. My days of dreaming are over. And begging for my memories to be erased? Sign me up!
“mine” is powerful, raw, and heart breaking. It perfectly sums up those feelings you have in the beginning when a relationship ends.
If “mine” is about what you’re feeling at the beginning of the end, “me” is all about what you begin to feel towards the end.
Loved you so much
Took an army to pull me up
But now on the other side
I remembered I could fly
I told you I wanted you
But you needed me to need you
Your insecurity
Was the death of you and me
Too many times you questioned
What were my intentions
I never gave you reasons
You’re the one with secrets
I don’t need somebody to hold me
Don’t need somebody to love me
Don’t need somebody to pick these
pieces up
I put together my broken
Let go of the pain I’ve been holdin’
Don’t need to need somebody
When I got me
I don’t think Kelly’s “Don’t need to need somebody when I got me” is the same as mine. I think hers is meant to be inspirational and uplifting. You’ve got this, girl! You don’t need anybody to lift you up. You lift yourself up. You don’t wait on someone else to put you back together; you put yourself back together. You’re a badass. You pick up your own pieces. You fix your own broken. You are a boss! You don’t need anybody. Ever!
I started with the second verse but this entire song is basically her realizing she made herself smaller and smaller so as not to emasculate her husband. She put her needs aside for him. Her success made him feel like a failure instead of a proud husband. I told you I wanted you but you needed me to need you. How many times have I said society tells us that men are justified focusing on their careers but women should be focusing on their that their man?
I don’t think many men appreciate it when you want them but don’t need them. I find this strange because I would rather be wanted by my partner, instead of needed. If someone wants to be with me that’s a voluntary action. He chose me. He loves me. But if he’s with me because he needs me that just implies he’s dependent on me. He can’t make it on his own but the moment that he can he might very well leave. Because he never wanted me. He needed me.
Maybe men aren’t used to that setup. They’re used to having the money and the power and in many ways they like knowing that the woman is dependent upon them because she’s easier to control. Having a woman who doesn’t need you means giving up a lot of that control.
I embrace Kelly’s message. It is a kick ass song. It’s a feel good anthem. With that said embracing that song, for me, requires a total mind shift. Much how it’s been a total mind shift when it comes to depending on a man for financial security this is a total mind shift when it comes to depending on a man for your happiness.
I know you can’t rely on someone else to make you happy. Happiness comes from within. Nevertheless, we’re conditioned all of our lives to want to be paired up. Switching over to this idea that you are on your own and you’re the only one you can ever count on is a big change in thinking.
Perhaps that is not Kelly’s intention. Perhaps all she is saying is that she recognizes she made herself and her needs smaller and smaller to make someone else feel better and she’s never going to do that again. Maybe she’s saying that she recognizes she is enough and she is awesome and if the next guy who comes around doesn’t see that then that’s his loss.
What I do know is that these songs are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. “mine” is all about the heartache and betrayal. “me” is all about picking yourself up from the ground and realizing that you can pick up the pieces and fix what is broken. You don’t need anybody else for that.
While I like “mine” better as far as the actual song goes I love the message behind “me”. I am doing my best to follow in Kelly’s footsteps. She got me through my divorce. I’m trusting her to get me through this.
MLIASO is a collection of my thoughts and feelings relating to the journey navigating through my husbands infidelity. It has now been more than five years and I am still on this horrible ride.
Are We Still Having Spaghetti For Dinner? 