Old Men Thinking With Their Dicks: Story #1

This is my very favorite kind of story. It’s from the Reddit AITA sub thread. It’s got everything- cheating, a young mistress, death, divorce, karma served up in huge scoops. It’s got narcissism, delusions of grandeur, and a sad sausage, victim morphing routine that could put anyone to shame. It’s got a man so absolutely horrific and entitled that each time he tries to explain he only makes it worse. You ready? Let’s go!

The man in question is 35. He has been married to a 28 year old for 3 years and they’ve been together since he was 28 and she was 21.

A whole fucking year ago he falls in love with “Amy”, 24. Year two of marriage if you’re keeping track. He goes on to say that they were deeply in love and he was planning on ending his marriage for her. He says he knows it’s terrible and “not what his wife deserves” but hey- they were the real thing. What’s a little broken heart and destroyed life if you’ve got true love with a person other than your spouse? The heart wants what the heart wants, am I right?

He and Amy are out getting food after work on a Friday when Amy has an allergic reaction to something she ate. She used her epipen but seemed “mostly okay.” He goes on to say that usually when this happens she goes to the hospital to get checked out. On this night though instead of driving her to the hospital himself he asks if she minds having a friend drive her to the hospital because his wife was expecting him back. Despite being a woman with very low morals who has no problem sleeping with a married man Amy says, “Sure, love of my life; I’ll have a friend take me.”

He drops her off and goes home to his unsuspecting wife.

He doesn’t hear from Amy over the weekend which pisses him off. As he states “I have always hated being ignored and I lose my cool when it happens.” Ah, big man child.

Because he’s angry she’s ignoring him (retaliating for him not taking her to the hospital) he sends her what he describes as childish messages. I’m going to assume they were probably hateful messages, calling her names and making threats.

Plot twist! Amy actually had a secondary reaction later that night and died! She’s not replying to his messages because dead people don’t text back.

He does say he was thankful she never saw them and he’s ashamed that he assumed the worst. He explains that their relationship was great and the highs far outweighed the lows. He swears him losing his temper and sending “childish” messages was not a regular occurrence and he would have more than made it up to her.

Hmmm… sounds like an abuse cycle.

He also says it has been eating him up ever since; he will never forgive himself for not sacrificing an hour of his time to possibly save her.

Further plot twist. Two weeks pass and one day when he goes into work he notices that HR and legal were in the CEO’s office all day, along with his project manager.

He’s pretty sure it’s about him but he can’t figure out why because according to him an affair is not exactly a corporate crisis.

Turns out Amy’s brother, Tom, had found the messages this guy had sent to Amy over the weekend. He was the one who turned them into HR.

Sad sausage now attempts to call his boss repeatedly. He calls so many times his manager actually sends him a message telling him not to contact him until Monday morning because he can’t discuss anything with him right now.

He ends his story saying it looks like his universe is going to collapse. He’s going to be fired and his wife will definitely find out. He’s hoping that Amy’s brother only showed them the messages from the weekend, which were bad enough, and not any of the other messages from their year long affair. He says he has no family except his wife and daughter and nowhere to go. All of his friends are either people he’s met through his wife or they’re his colleagues.

This is where it gets very interesting.

Someone says: You need to tell your wife before someone else does. You already betrayed her. Don’t make it even worse.

This guy is in serious cover his ass mode. He tells the commenter that he won’t know until Monday how much his employer knows and, get this- there is a “sliding scale” of how bad this will get depending on how much Tom has given them. If Tom has given them all of the messages his wife will be crushed. If it’s only the messages from the weekend Amy died it can be much gentler. He doesn’t want to hurt his wife any more than is absolutely necessary.

Wow! What a peach this guy is. When called on it he becomes self righteous. The one thing he will not do (aside from be faithful) is apologize for trying to minimize the damage to his wife. She has been wonderful (just not wonderful enough to be faithful to) and his 5 year old daughter is his entire world (except when he’s off fucking Amy). He knows that his reputation is going to be ruined but he doesn’t need his wife or anyone else to know the gory details. He says that his message history with Amy undermines the last year of their marriage in fundamental ways and “it would absolutely end her.”

Anyone else think he’s only worried about saving his own behind?

Again someone tells him he deserves everything that happens to himself from this point out. They call him heartless and disgusting. His response?

He didn’t get to decide who to fall in love with. He would never hurt his wife deliberately and he’s going to do everything he can now to minimize the inevitable hurt.

A person brings up Tom and how that man has no reason to hide anything to protect the letter writer’s reputation.

To which he agrees, even going so far as to say that if Tom knew what to look for he could end almost every relationship he had. He admits he has lied to everybody to protect his relationship with Amy.

What has this gem of a man done? Let’s see. He secured a promotion for Amy which she wasn’t qualified for. He says that their messages make it clear she only got the promotion because of him. There were times he “joked” with her that she still owed him for the promotion. He sent her a lengthy message with a comprehensive list of reasons he didn’t think she was ready for the promotion. Amy thought she was though so she got her married boyfriend to put in a good word for her. In his weekend messages he sent during his temper tantrum he told her she wasn’t qualified for the promotion and she wouldn’t survive doing it anywhere else. He also had, throughout their relationship, told her her job was at risk and suggested he would blacklist her across their industry. He accused her of sleeping with colleagues and threatened her job. All said in the heat of the moment when they were arguing, of course. Again, it’s not like this happened often and he apologized.

He also used the company expense report to pay for their affair. He went so far as to admit they had texted in length about how they could disguise their dates as company expenses.

Oh, and he missed his sister-in-law’s stillborn baby’s funeral because he was out with Amy. You have to understand though that he had committed to this event with Amy months in advance. He’s a guy who takes his commitments seriously. Wedding vows, not so much.

This guy is so full of shit! He goes on to explain that he and Amy ha a strict agreement that his time with her would never infringe on time with his family. That’s why he both did not take Amy to the hospital himself (because it was wife time) and missed a baby’s funeral in order to take Amy someplace. You see they also had an agreement. He had agreed to give Amy one full day and night together each month. His requirement was that it was booked well in advance. He had already canceled the first two and this one was a make or break event. Can you blame him really? Sex with a hot girl 11 years younger, or a baby’s funeral? No contest. Besides, he made a commitment.

This guy sounds horrific, Sam, but what does it have to do with stupid old men and their dicks?

It turns out karma came a’callin’ only days after his first message. His wife did indeed find out about his affair. She filed for divorce immediately. Tom did share all of the messages with HR and legal. Dude was fire and has a lawyer now to represent him. But the biggest boo hoo of all? Tom shared screenshots of Amy talking to her friends about him. It turned out she didn’t love him as much as he loved her. In fact, she probably didn’t love him at all.

According to him Amy and her friends had a good laugh about her manipulating him for money and a promotion. That promotion, which he sabotaged for someone else in order to get her the job, came with a big pay raise. Her plan was to treat the job a free cash and then go work with a friend when her incompetence finally could no longer be hidden. Amy counted on her married lover stepping in to save her whenever she messed up because she knew he would be the one under scrutiny.

At one point this jackass says: Obviously I am completely humiliated. I was planning to give up everything to build a life with her, and she was treating me like a joke the whole time. My feelings are complicated so please don’t feel entitled to any expansion on this, but no longer feel guilt over her death.

That was quick! Jeesh, you find out the young piece of ass you’re chasing around is only using you for financial gain (shocker!) and suddenly you don’t care if she’s dead or not.

He gets called out on that and replies with the fact that she died is not going to rob him of his right to be angry with her.

I ruined my life but she was right there with her hands on the wheel. She talked to me about getting married and having more children and what our house would look like, and in the same day she called me names and plotted with her friends about having me get her a credit card. I told her my hopes and fears and she mocked me relentlessly for them. I thought she was my soulmate and she exploited me in every way you can imagine. How the fuck am I supposed to feel?

Poor baby. Comedian Bill Burr does this bit about gold diggers. I like Whitney Cummings’ take on it much better. She says that maybe if men don’t want to date a gold digger perhaps they should start dating women with their own gold instead of 18 year olds who need a KickStarter campaign to eat dinner.

I had a very similar take on it. There are certainly gold diggers out there. But the only reason they’re able to dig for that gold is because men continue to think with their dicks. They honestly believe the 10, 20, 30 year younger woman is totally interested in them because of their dazzling personality, their charming good looks, and their skill in bed. Nope, fellas, it’s the money. I’m not even a little bit sorry to break it to ya. I marvel at your stupidity.