Just Wondering

I wrote a post almost three years ago entitled, “It’s a Partner Problem.” Basically, your partner cheats, you have a partner problem. I stand by that. As I said in that post, if your partner propositions ten different women and they all turn him down, you still have a problem. You’re with a guy who wants to cheat on you and eventually he’s going to find someone that is willing. It’s not on the other woman to keep your husband faithful. It’s on your husband. Switch genders as needed. Way too many people put all the responsibility on the affair accomplice and none on their own timid forest creature.

BUT, and this is a big one, that doesn’t mean I think the affair accomplice is an innocent angel. There are people out there who target married men. I think this is definitely more a woman thing because they want the lifestyle the man can provide. I don’t believe for a moment that the majority of affair partners have no idea the person is married. Yes, I believe it happens, but I don’t think that is the norm. And if they do know he’s married, they’re culpable. It’s unfortunate that so many people can’t understand how you can be upset with more than one person.

With all of that in mind I can say it really irks me when someone comes along and insists that the affair all falls on your spouse/partner and you shouldn’t blame the affair accomplice at all. They didn’t make vows. They don’t owe you anything. Yada, yada, yada.

Bullshit! Fucking a person you know is married is wrong. You’re culpable for that choice when you choose to do it. You are deliberately helping to destroy a person’s life. You are deliberately interfering in someone’s marriage. You are often times profiting off of all of the previous person’s work and/or support. You are damaging children.

Here’s what I’m wondering though. These people who say the other person owes us nothing… the ones who say we need to hold our partners accountable… I’ve got a question for them.

Let’s say someone propositions the mobster. Let’s take it a step further and say she knows I exist. Maybe we’ve even met. But this man stealing whore is going to go after him anyway. She tells him he’s so sexy, so charming, so funny, so handsome. She tells him she’s been pining after him. Maybe she even sells him a sob story about her own horrible marriage or relationship. She wants him bad! Only sex with him will make her happy. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! Stick with me here.

Now let’s say the mobster does what he should and he tells her to get the fuck away from him, that he is totally devoted to me, and she repulses him. He makes it extremely clear he wants nothing to do with her and that it will never happen between them. I’m not sure if he’s supposed to tell me what happened or not but for the sake of this story let’s say he’s supposed to and he does.

Are those idiots really telling me that I have no reason to be upset with the woman who tried to seduce my boyfriend? Like, she wasn’t successful so move along? No harm, no foul? I don’t think so! Bitch was trying to put her hands on something that wasn’t hers.

Would their position in that case be I was right in being upset? Or are we right back to no harm, no foul? Cause I’ve gotta say it’s more than a little fucked up that when she tries to sleep with my partner and “steal him” away but is unsuccessful I’m free to be upset with her, but if she does sleep with him and he does leave me I’m supposed to shrug it off and only be upset with him. Because again, you can only be upset with one person.

Again, I think it’s ridiculous when the affair accomplice is held entirely responsible for everything. No, your partner chose to cheat. They chose to lie and gas light and deceive and steal and destroy you. The affair accomplice chose to help. And therein lies the rub.

If I mastermind a robbery or a murder I’m still culpable. Charles Manson spent the rest of his life in prison because of what other people did for him. He didn’t kill a damn soul. If my ex-husband hires a hitman to kill me they’re both going to go to jail. The hitman doesn’t get to say, “I made no vows. I didn’t promise her anything.” And Jerry Lee doesn’t get to say, “Hey, I didn’t pull the trigger.” Doesn’t matter. They were both involved. If my friend talks me into driving the getaway car while she runs in and robs a liquor store, I go to jail, too, and God forbid she shoots and kills somebody during that robbery. I’m on trial for murder now! Doesn’t matter that I wasn’t in the store. I was an accomplice.

That’s exactly what an affair partner is- an accomplice. Affairs are a two person crime. Sometimes more. But when they know you exist, they know your children exist, and they still take up with your spouse or partner, then they are an accomplice and you can be as pissed off at them as you wish. Just don’t let your lying, cheating piece of shit ex off the hook.

I Can Say I Tried

A comment caught my eye the other day. Someone was beating herself up for giving the cheater another chance. Someone else wrote back that she, too, tried reconciliation- for 10 plus more years. The takeaway was that the commenter was trying to save her family. She *had* to try. And in the end at least she can say she tried to make it work.

Why? Why do we pat ourselves on the back for trying so hard when the cheater does nothing?

I’m not judging or criticizing. I did it, too. As you may recall the first DDay I had supposedly involved an emotional affair only. We lived in Utah. Harley lived in Kentucky. Jerry Lee had 2 opportunities where he could have met up with her in person. He consistently denied ever seeing her in person. Let’s say that’s true. It was strictly an emotional affair (at this point I don’t care; it makes absolutely no difference). I did my best to reconcile. I tried my hardest to keep everything together. I didn’t want to lose my family. I didn’t want to be divorced. I didn’t want to lose my lifestyle. I certainly didn’t want to see her slip into my old life.

Now I look back and I think to myself, “Why did I bother?” It’s not as though I feel better because I tried. I don’t think I gained anything; in fact, I could probably argue that trying cost me.

I see comments from people who spend years attempting to reconcile and keep the marriage together. Spouse eventually leaves. The comments are always, “At least I tried,” or, “I gave it my best shot. I can say I did the work and attempted to save it,” or, “At least I know I did everything possible to save my marriage.”

My attitude now is pretty much, “Why? Why is this something to be proud of?” Why do we waste so much energy on someone that is not worth it?

We waste years, yes, years, trying to make the relationship work. Relationships only work when both people are invested. When you’re dealing with a cheater you’re dealing with someone who either doesn’t care or only cares when they see consequences on the horizon. As I’ve said on more than one occasion, “Your cheater doesn’t give a shit about rebuilding the marriage. They just don’t want to suffer the consequences of a divorce.” There’s a big difference between the two.

I suppose there’s no real way to know how often a second, or third, or fourth chance is given and it finally sticks. You don’t usually hear those stories. And a lot of people think they have a unicorn but it turns out the unicorn is simply hiding their activities a lot better. So what I see every day are stories after stories of people who gave it their all. They tried, dammit. They gave it the ol’ college try and did their damnedest to save their family. They lost weight, had more sex, texted more, dressed sexier, did their best to keep their children acting like angels so as not to annoy, disappoint, or embarrass the cheater, wore makeup, picked up more hours, never questioned the spouse’s behavior, never complained, never mentioned the affair, got a boob job, consented to sexual acts they did not want to engage in, had dinner on the table, made him lunch to take to work, got up early to make him breakfast, and a whole host of other things. They danced and danced and danced, yet in the end it didn’t matter. The cheater cheated again. What a surprise!

My question is why do we feel so compelled to “do everything possible” to save a marriage with a cheater? Why is that the success? Why are we brainwashed into thinking we are obligated to waste another 2, or 5, or 15, or 25 years on a person who obviously doesn’t respect us, doesn’t love us, and doesn’t value us?

I took my cheater back because I felt I owed it to him and to our family. I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I didn’t want to split holidays. I thought we were happy once again but ten years later he did it again. Only this time I didn’t get a chance to do the pick me dance. This time he just left and moved in with the other woman. I don’t regret it though. I will always know I tried. I put my all into saving this marriage. He didn’t. Shame on him. I can walk with my head held high.

First, let me say I do get it. Its a traumatizing event when you see this life you built slipping through your fingers. It is rage inducing when you see another person seamlessly take your place and reap the fruits of your hard work. And I don’t wish to minimize losing time with your children. All of those are perfectly legitimate things to worry about. But here’s the thing. You may face all of that anyway. He (or she) cheats again and as stated above you don’t get a chance to try to make things work this time. This time they’ve chosen to walk. You’re no longer needed.

After trying you’re now older. Maybe significantly older. Maybe you had another baby or two. Now in addition to this horrendous divorce you get to enjoy attempting to co-parent for years to come still. Your employment gap is larger. You have bigger daycare bills because of the extra child or two you had while reconciling. Your skills have gotten weaker and more outdated. You have less time to plan for your future- the one you’ll be spending without the cheater.

Don’t even get me started on the cheaters who beg for reconciliation only so they can get their ducks lined up- new place, new furniture, new woman- all while draining the marital accounts. They tell you you can get that back- the whole “marital waste”. The truth is once it’s gone it’s gone. If the cheater doesn’t have a way to pay you you just won’t get it.

So, why don’t we normalize not throwing ourselves at a cheater? Normalize not giving a second chance. Make it a good thing when someone has definite boundaries and deal breakers.

He cheated on me and I left. He knew from the very beginning cheating was a deal breaker. Yes, it was difficult. I walked away from an entire life. I walked away from what I thought my future was going to be. But instead of spending years trying to forgive and more importantly, trying to prove to him that he made the right choice in staying with me, I chose to leave and focus on my own self. I went back to school, went to graduate school, switched careers, built a business, got a promotion, bought a house on my own, bought a car on my own, decorated my house the way I wanted, discovered new hobbies, lost weight, cut my hair, got a tattoo, dyed my hair pink, pierced my nose, found out I liked my own company. I raised my kids. I was the sane parent, the one they could depend on. We went on vacation. We created new memories. We celebrated the holidays and came up with new traditions. I watched them graduate, get married, have babies. I spent time with friends and family. I cultivated real relationships with people who gave just as much as I gave to them. I didn’t waste another 5, 10, 20 years on a cheater who was going to end up cheating on me again. My kids saw me blossom. They saw a confident, strong person who was always there for them and did the tough jobs even when I was exhausted. My kids saw me become me again.

Let’s make that the norm and throw out this ridiculous notion that we owe a cheater years more of our lives.

Another Bit Of Wisdom

I was directed to a YouTube video by Dr. Ramani. She talks a lot about narcissism. I’m not so sure Jerry Lee is a narcissist but it also doesn’t really matter at this point. However, Dr. Ramani said something that was a total mic drop.

I am always amazed at how many people view infidelity or cheating as a deal breaker but they don’t have a problem with being disrespected and devalued for 20, 30, 40 years.

Wow! That really resonated with me.

Prior to that statement she was saying that if you are dealing with lying, gas lighting, and being invalidated, demeaned, devalued, and discarded then the cheating is the least of your problems.

You don’t have a good relationship if those factors exist even if your partner is faithful.

They don’t value or even want to hear your opinion? That’s not a good relationship.

They never use your name? That’s devaluing and it’s not a good relationship.

They want everything done their way and they are never willing to compromise? That’s not a good relationship?

You give and give and give while they take and take and take? That’s not a good relationship.

You put away their clothes, fix their plate, and take care of their children and they whine if they’re left alone with them for an afternoon? That’s not a good relationship.

You make a big deal out of holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries and they can’t be bothered? That’s not a good relationship.

You always feel like you’re walking on eggshells, or you’re a constant disappointment to your partner? That’s not a good relationship.

They call you names when you get into an argument or they talk down to you even during so called good times? That’s not a good relationship.

You don’t need to wait for infidelity for it to be a horrible relationship. Hell, I’ll take it one step further and say you two can fuck like rabbits but if your partner is selfish, egotistical, never puts you first, never does a damn thing for you, and expects you to cater to their every whim you don’t have a good relationship. You might have a great sex life but your relationship outside of the bedroom sucks. Since you don’t usually spend the majority of your day in bed having sex (or any location of your choice- obviously) then you have a problem whether you are willing to see it or not.

I think this message is so valuable to hear. So often you read people’s posts where they say, “I just need proof of the cheating and then I will have a reason to leave.”

No, I think that if the relationship is already bad enough that you’re hoping you discover infidelity in order to have an excuse to leave the relationship is already bad enough. You don’t need to wait for them to cheat in order to justify leaving. Lying, devaluing, demeaning, gas lighting, bullying, discarding, invalidating, ignoring, and a whole host of other bad behaviors are plenty reason to get the hell out.

Olivia Munn Wants Congratulations On Her Adultery Baby

I heard a new term after all of the fallout from Adam Levine and Ned Fulmer. The term is “wife guy.” These are men who are all about their wives and how much they love them. They build a career off of this schtick. Meanwhile, when no one is looking they’re out there cheating on these same wives they profess to love so much with no name Instagram models and/or co-workers. I’m sure it’s not limited to those two types.

Apparently, John Mulaney completed the trifecta of these wife guys which is actually kinda funny when you consider he was the first one to fuck over his wife. His stand up comedy talked about his wife, how great she was, how capable she was, and how much he loved her.

I found him to be very funny. I loved so many of his routines. I also noticed how he never talked down about his wife and seemed to really love and worship her.

Then he had a relapse. Stories have been pretty fuzzy on what exactly he was doing but I’m going to read between the lines and theorize he was doing drugs once again.

It was a very crazy time at TMZ and all the other so-called entertainment outlets. He was in rehab and then he was separating from his wife and then he was dating actress Olivia Munn and then he served his wife with divorce papers and then Olivia was pregnant.

According to a People article John entered rehab in December 2020. At that time Olivia sent him a message of support. May 10, 2021 he files for divorce from his wife, Anna Marie Tendler (I found another source that said the divorce wasn’t filed until July). Anna Marie made the following statement: I am heartbroken that John has decided to end our marriage. I wish him support and success as he continues his recovery. May 13, 2021 (that’s 3 days later for anyone not keeping count) sources confirmed he and Olivia were dating. September 2021 the new couple confirms she is pregnant.

They are both trying to spin the story that he did not cheat on his wife but the timeline just doesn’t add up. There was a lot of crossover and most people believe he cheated on his wife and got the other woman pregnant.

John claimed on an appearance with Seth Meyers that he went to rehab in September, got out in October, moved out of his home with Anna Marie, and then began dating Olivia in the spring. That’s only partially true. He did go to rehab in September 2020 and checked out in October in order to host Saturday Night Live. He returned in December 2021 and moved to outpatient care in February of 2021.

Personally, I can’t stand to listen to him anymore. Just can’t do it.

But I’m not writing about the comics I follow. This is actually about something Olivia Munn said shortly after she had her son.She was being interviewed for some reason and the writer of the article noted that “the couple were met with swift backlash over the news, leaving Munn to spend the majority of her pregnancy out of the spotlight.” Olivia was quoted as saying, “It’s hard to be pregnant for the first time and have anybody say anything besides, like, ‘Congratulations,’”

Are you fucking kidding me? She’s having a sad moment because more people aren’t like, “Congratulations on having a baby with a man who cheated on his wife with you! That’s awesome. So, do you have names picked out?”

She’s upset because people couldn’t look beyond the cheating to give her proper deference and adulation at the fact she got knocked up by someone who just got out of rehab?

That’s a lot to unpack. It’s already difficult to be happy when you know the pregnancy is a result of John’s infidelity. And Olivia had to have known he was married. I know he’s married and I’ve never met the man! But then you add on the fact that he just got out of rehab. I’m not really sure that’s the best choice you can make when choosing someone to father a child.

I’m not saying he’s a lost cause forever. I’m just saying I would prefer to see someone maintain their sobriety for a while before rushing into making a baby with them.

I’m going to have to file this one under “Audacity” because I cannot fathom how a person has an affair with a married man, he leaves his wife for her, and then she’s shocked that people aren’t falling all over themselves to congratulate her.

Even if everything they try to spin is actual fact it is still an incredibly public and painful breakup for his wife. He didn’t file for divorce until May 10th (or July) and sources confirmed he was dating Olivia on May 13th. Here’s the fun part. Their son was born in November so you do the math. Olivia was already pregnant when John filed for divorce. In fact, for a November baby she likely got pregnant sometime in February. John’s divorce wasn’t final until January 6, 2022. So, regardless Anna Marie’s husband had a baby with another woman while they were still married.

I know I frequently say marriage is just a piece of paper and that if the relationship is over then the marriage is over, regardless of the legalese. But I don’t believe any of this was on the up and up and lying to your wife about your intentions, or doing shit behind her back is not what I’m talking about.

I’m so sorry, Olivia, that people didn’t fall all over themselves to congratulate you on your pregnancy. They should never have given any consideration to his wife and how much hurt she must have been going through, having to publicly watch you announce your pregnancy with her husband. All the focus should have been on you and the happiness you and John were experiencing at her expense. It must have been so difficult for you to not be able to gloat and show off your pregnancy bump from Day 1 because that would make you seem like an uncaring, unsympathetic bitch. But now you have your moment to tell everyone how you are the real victim.

You know, you’re really not that far off base. I don’t think I’d call you a victim as much as a volunteer, but a leopard doesn’t change his spots. One day it’ll be your turn to watch as he wanders off with another woman only too willing to engage with a married man. Maybe when she announces her pregnancy before he’s actually filed for divorce you’ll do the right thing and congratulate her.

One Minute Bit Of Wisdom

I don’t think this will even take a minute.

Never let someone sneer at you and claim, “Oh, you think you’re so perfect.”

Jerry Lee did that to me once. He had agreed to go to marital counseling. The counselor asked what was going on, and I spilled the beans. I don’t remember about what. Maybe it was when I found out he was planning on marrying the dumb bitch and had conspired with his nephew to get tattoos together.

They like to throw that one out in various ways, all alluding to our supposed perfection (which is obviously sarcasm) and their inability to measure up to our high standards.

It’s a diversion tactic. Play the poor victim, claim the actual victim thinks they are perfect, and then sit back and watch as the victim begins assuring the cheater that they (the victim) are not perfect. They can go then go on to list all of their faults so as to not make the cheater feel bad about themselves. See? We’re equal. Only you’re not. As I’ve always said, picking up the Charmin Extra Strong instead of the Charmin Extra Soft is not the safe as fucking another person. Not feeling like cooking so you grab take out is not the same as your partner gas lighting you as they take the affair accomplice on a weekend getaway. It’s just not.

The proper response to all of that nonsense is this. The bar is not perfection. The bar is faithfulness.

It’s An Infidelity Plague!

Full disclosure- I have no idea who the Try Guys are. I mean, I’ve read the headlines about the one who was all about his wife going out and cheating on his wife- with an engaged co-worker. Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, he went and had a consensual relationship with the engaged co-worker. Don’t want to risk a lawsuit.

I did a Google search. I know the basics. But until little charlatan Ned was caught cheating on his wife, Ariel, I had never heard of them.

Aside from saying I am very impressed that those that worked with him have distanced themselves from him and fired him I’m not going to write about yet another sad situation where a man professes to love his wife only to blindside her by cheating on her. No, I’m going to tackle a comment someone left on one of the articles about this.

A real forward thinking scholar left this comment:

How about people OPEN their fucking marriages? Or too much for the “religious” community? Both men and women cheat, how about stop calling it cheating? It’s natural and consensual.

You dumb bitch. Sorry- I had to get that out the way real quick. Besides, both men and women cuss and call people bitches. It’s natural. Especially when someone is a dumb bitch. #smileyface

How about people OPEN their fucking marriages?

Sweetie, the time to open your marriage is before you start to cheat. That’s a talk you should have before you have sex with someone else. And as I always like to point out, open relationships have rules, too.

If Ned and Ariel had an open marriage but one of Ariel’s rules was that Ned was not to sleep with any co-workers then BOOM he just broke that rule. Cheaters don’t like to follow rules. Period. It will never be enough. It will never be open enough. And quite frankly that’s a shitty reaction to infidelity.

“Oh, he cheated on you? Why don’t you just let him fuck other women and then it won’t be a problem?”

Why should anyone have an open marriage in the hopes of staving off infidelity if they don’t want an open marriage? Wouldn’t the actual solution be to marry someone like-minded? I realize it’s not working out all that great because some people have a tendency to lie but this idea that if everyone opened their marriages, whether they wanted to or not, all would be blissful is just shit.

Or too much for the “religious” community?

Honey, you’re putting stuff where it doesn’t belong. I don’t think it’s “religious” communities that say no to open marriages. I think it’s most people that say no. I mean, I’m not particularly religious and I have no desire for an open relationship. Because you know what else is natural? Jealousy. And that hinders an open relationship. It hinders even the desire for an open relationship.

So, I don’t think there are millions upon millions of people out there saying, “You know, if only my church didn’t forbid it….” I think most people are perfectly happy with the idea of having only one partner.

And again I will point out that there are many people out there who are very much into the idea of an open marriage for themselves, but don’t really think their partner needs an open marriage as well. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander, according to their thinking.

Both men and women cheat, how about stop calling it cheating?

Oh, honey. We call it cheating because that’s what it is. Doesn’t matter if both men and women do it. It’s still cheating. Popularity or lack of popularity also do not define the word.

People do all sorts of things they shouldn’t. People shoplift- both men, women, old, young. Should we stop calling it shoplifting? Despite the fact that many people do it it’s still shoplifting when you take something without paying for it. Crazy, I know! Both men and women murder people. Should we stop calling it murder? Hang on tight because I know you’re never going to believe this! Despite the fact that both men and women murder people it’s still called murder and it’s still illegal.

How about this? How about we stop calling it cheating when the person is no longer cheating? If you both agree you want to open the marriage up I wouldn’t call that cheating. That’s an open relationship. You agree on monogamy and then you go fuck your secretary behind your wife’s back? That’s cheating. Doesn’t even matter if said wife is fucking the pool boy behind your back. You agreed on monogamy. You’re both liars. And yeah, even though you’re both lying to the other it’s still lying. Lying is when you don’t tell the truth. That doesn’t change depending on who’s doing it or how often. Quite honestly, in that situation I might even suggest an open marriage for the two of you. But as long as you both agree that you want a monogamous relationship you are cheating when you do the opposite of what you said you wanted.

It’s natural and consensual.

No, it’s not. It’s only consensual if everyone is in agreement- not just the two people hooking up behind their partners’ backs. I assure you the duped spouse, or spouses, is/are not consenting. They weren’t even given the option. The consensual part is only on the cheaters’ side. The betrayed spouses have absolutely no say in the matter.

Maybe what you meant to say is, “It’s selfish and a clear example of entitlement.”

It’s Not You; It’s Them

I’m a little behind the times so I’m sure everyone has heard by now about Adam Levine, his “flirty” text messages, and his Instagram model. What the hell is an Instagram model anyway? Is it one of those people who can’t actually make it in the real fashion world so they plaster social media with pictures and after a certain number of followers they call themselves models?

Here’s my quick take on it:

  1. This is yet more proof that it’s not about you, what you look like, what you do, what you don’t do. The guy was married to the epitome of male fantasies (I’ll spare you my spiel on how I don’t really feel that most supermodels are the prettiest people out there; they simply have the “correct” body type) and he still stepped out.
  2. I feel sorry for his pregnant wife and I really hope she tosses his sorry ass out the door, although I doubt that will happen. As horrible as betrayal and divorce is it has to be that much more difficult when it’s playing out in a public forum.
  3. I have no pity for the Instagram model. Her opening shot was, “So I had an affair with a married man who is married to a Victoria’s Secret model.” Why does anyone need to know what his wife does? Would she have been just as eager to say, “So I had an affair with a married man who is married to a vet tech,”? Or a nurse? Or a secretary? Or a super hot and really funny BSA Analyst? Scratch that- make that BSA Analyst II.

I guess most people properly roasted her, especially considering her entire post painted her as the victim even as she’s sharing this married man moaning and groaning over her and how “hot” she is. But some defended her, pointing out as always that “she didn’t owe the wife anything; she didn’t cheat. He was the one that made vows to his wife.”

Cry me a river. Affairs are a two person crime and she went ahead willingly for the ride. That opening shot is all you need to know. She’s so incredibly hot despite her fame being limited to Instagram (and let’s be honest- how many people had even heard of her until she posted about this affair?) that a man who had A VICTORIA’S SECRET MODEL as a wife wanted to fuck her. And, of course, he wanted to name his baby with his wife after his mistress. All bow down to her glory.

Add to that her tendency to portray herself as the real victim- she was naive, she was young, she was new to the scene, and most of all she felt exploited- and she did not garner a lot of sympathy.

No, I do not accept young, naive, manipulated, yada yada yada. I’m so tired of the whole “a person’s prefrontal cortex isn’t fully formed until they’re 25.” So? All that means is you don’t always make the best decisions, or have the best reactions. It doesn’t mean you don’t know right from wrong. You get to vote at age 18. You can enter the military at age 18. And we used to marry off women, and men, too, for that matter, way before they were 25. Women and men both become parents before they’re 25. So don’t talk about your prefrontal cortex to me acting like it excuses every damn stupid thing you do.

New on the scene? Does that mean she didn’t realize she shouldn’t sleep with married men? I’m not a huge Adam Levine or Maroon 5 fan, although I do have some of their songs downloaded, but even I knew he was married.

Exploited? Unknowingly compromised? No, honey, you weren’t. At least I find that extremely difficult to believe. You were a nobody Instagram model and you had a celebrity hitting on you. It must have been very heady at the time. You were probably thinking this was your big opportunity. Sorry he disappointed you. But make no mistake you were a willing accomplice. You didn’t care about his wife. You didn’t care about his two little girls. All you cared about was you and what you could get out of this. This was your shot at fame and money. Even if he lied to you, promising to leave his wife or whatever he needed to say to make you feel special, you are still not the victim.

No, sweetie, the real victim is his pregnant wife. You know, the one who is already the mother of his two young daughters. And if it wasn’t enough that he cheated on her with a trifling ho like you he was also trying to bamboozle her into naming their child after you. It’s a delightful two-fer: If she never finds out he gets the delicious thrill of knowing his child is named after his mistress; if she does find- after the baby is born and named, of course- then she spends the rest of her life always being reminded of her husband’s treachery.

P.S. A fun fact since I’m so far behind in talking about the big celebrity scandals: I believe he is now up to five women he’s been DM’ing. Does this mean Sumner isn’t all that hot after all? At least not hot enough to keep his sole attention. Again, it goes to show you it’s not you; it’s them. This guy was chasing after everyone.

Cheating In An Open Relationship, Part 2

I’m on a roll so I may as well keep going.

This is from a Newsweek “article” that explores Reddit threads. This is a new one though. It’s called TrueOffMyChest and not the usual AmITheAsshole.

Unsurprisingly, 52 percent of Ashley Madison members think that society would benefit from normalizing non-monogamy. 60 percent believed the divorce rate would drop, while 50 percent felt there would be less pressure to meet a partner’s sexual needs.

Oh, Ashley Madison members think this? Well, it must be true then! I know I base all of my decisions and thoughts off of people who sign up online to defraud their partners.

I’ll bite. So 52% of you think society as a whole would benefit from normalizing non-monogamy and 60% of you think the divorce rate would drop? Hmmm… why is that? Is it because you once again place the onus of infidelity on the faithful spouse who doesn’t want to “share”? You think that being allowed to have sex with other people suddenly makes all the lies and deceit go away? You wouldn’t have to be slithering around a website, using a username, and meeting up behind your spouse’s back if only you had free reign to hump anything that moved?

Interesting. I think the woman from the previous would disagree.

And then along comes the writer who tells her tale. A year ago her husband told her he was no longer physically attracted to her (definitely a her issue) and he wanted to open their marriage. Not sure if this is important to the story, but it does note the couple hadn’t had sex in almost five years, since their youngest child was born.

The husband assures his wife that he loves her “more than anything in the world” and tells her that the rest of the relationship is perfect but he has to have sex or he’s going to go crazy.

Surprisingly, the wife does not toss him out on his ass. Instead, she asks questions. What is his definition of an open marriage? What are the rules, if any? They discuss it for several weeks and eventually the wife agrees to it. The rules are as follow: 1) They won’t bring new partners to their home, 2) They will always use protection, and 3) They will keep each other up to date with who they are with and where they are.

Pretty simple, right? Nothing outrageous. The wife didn’t even have a list of people who were off limits. No: Don’t fuck my sister. Don’t fuck my boss. Don’t see anybody more than two times.

In this case, they didn’t even have an, “I have to be there and participate, too,” rule. They were what I like to call free range open marriage. Some couples prefer to play together and can’t imagine doing it any other way while others, like this couple, opt to have encounters away from their primary partner.

Within a week the husband was meeting new women, showing his wife their pictures, and being gone most nights. Meanwhile, the wife is at home taking care of their kids and as she put it, “feeling like shit.” To her credit, she decided she needed to give it time instead of pulling the plug on this experiment.

The wife goes on to explain that she needs to feel a connection to her sexual partners. She eventually begins to flirt with a co-worker. The co-worker reciprocates. She tells him about the arrangement she has with her husband. The co-worker, after giving it some thought, decides he’s okay with it and agrees to meet up with her.

Wife goes home, asks her husband (who, remember, is out banging everything in sight) if he is doing anything on Friday. Husband says no, she tells him about the co-worker and shows him a picture. Tells him she’s meeting up with this guy on Friday. Husband was silent.

Interesting development. He loved an open marriage when he was the one showing pictures and meeting up with various women while the little wife stayed home and took care of his progeny. Now he’s a little hushed. Interesting.

To no one’s shock Friday rolls around and the husband texts to let the wife know he’s stuck at work and couldn’t watch the kids. I’m sure it was just a one off. But no! The story continues… This happened for several weeks. Wife’s supposed to meet up with co-worker. Husband is stuck at work. No one to watch the progeny. How does this keep happening?

Finally, after being annoyed that her plans must continually be canceled due to her husband’s sudden heavy workload the wife begins to think outside the box. We shall meet for lunch. She schedules a nooner.

The wife writes that it was amazing and she had missed this so much. She felt desired and lusted after. It was perfect.

You know who wasn’t happy? Her husband. Mr. Let’s Open The Marriage himself. He was livid! He insisted she had broken a rule by not telling him beforehand. The wife replied that she had told him and that he had known for weeks that she was trying to make time to meet up with this guy. I hope she pointed out also that she would have met him far earlier if not for husband’s unfortunate job responsibilities making it impossible for him to be home to watch their children.

He gives her the silent treatment for the rest of the night and then wakes her up in the middle night for sex. Rude! The writer goes on to say they had sex 3 times that night and they have had sex every night since.

Conveniently the husband is now attracted to her again and he believes that they need to close the marriage again.

Again, interesting.

I’m being facetious when I say it’s amazing how often they want an open marriage until they realize that you, too, get to fuck around. Then it’s not so much fun.

The commenters had a lot to say:

Read this story so many times. Husband suggests open marriage to get a free pass to screw around, at the end, wife finds out she liked the arrangement, husband is furious. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

He wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. He actively did things to avoid having you go out and meet J but he was able to go out and do whoever, whenever.

Your husband didn’t want an open relationship. He wanted to be able to screw around.

Sadly, another commenter notes: I hate to tell you this but I don’t think there’s a lot of options for your relationship long term.

I will say once again, louder for those in the back, these two posts have not been about whether open relationships are good or bad. They have been about the hypocrisy of people advocating for an open relationship when in reality what they want is an open license to fuck around. They say they want an open relationship and that monogamy isn’t natural (neither is shitting indoors and flushing a toilet but I don’t hear anyone complaining about that) but what they really want is the ability to go out and fuck around while the partner remains at home- cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children, maybe even bringing home the paycheck. Yes, I know. Not all couples in an open relationship feel that way. Perfectly aware of that. But there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people out there who use open relationships/polyamory as their get out of jail free card. Honestly, I think those who are polyamorous should be more upset with those people for distorting it than with me for pointing out that polyamory and open relationships isn’t a cure all for infidelity.

I think this final comment from someone on that thread pretty much sums it up:

You see, the problem is that a lot of the posts recently are failed relationships or failing marriages that resort to poly or open relationships to fix their problems. Shockingly, it rarely works.

Cheating In An Open Relationship, Part 1

A little over a year ago I wrote a post about Willow Smith discussing polyamory on her mother’s Red Table talk show. For the record, I am not polyamorous; I would not do well at all in a relationship like that and I know that about myself. I have known people who were in open relationships. Were being the operative word. Through them I have heard other stories of open relationships. Because, you know, if you’re in an open relationship you typically meet up and play with others in open relationships.

I’ve said before and I will say it again, I don’t care if you have an open relationship. As long as you both know you’re in an open relationship and no one has been coerced into it you go right ahead and have as many partners as you’d like. By coerced I mean those who are doing this because they feel the only way to keep their relationship is to agree to it. You hear a lot of cheaters suddenly claim to be poly when they’re caught and then they tell their blindsided spouses that the only way the marriage can be saved is if they agree to an open marriage. Not cool.

I want to be EXTREMELY clear that my whole beef with Willow was her idea that if you are enlightened enough to open your relationship and be with multiple people you will prevent divorce, more specifically, divorce due to infidelity. These are not my words. These are her words. She says at one point, and I’m going to paraphrase this because I’m not looking the interview up again, that she’s done a lot of research and a lot of marriages end because of infidelity. The theory seems to be that if you eliminate monogamy then you eliminate infidelity and you eliminate most divorce.

Just as I’ve been told by those who are poly that they get so tired of hearing that the world presents as though you can only have monogamy or cheating I’m a little tired of hearing people say that polyamorous relationships are a magical elixir that eliminate cheating.

If you were to believe that then you discount the idea that cheating is about entitlement and shitty character. That way of thinking actually once again makes cheating all about sex. It puts the onus of infidelity right back on the person who was betrayed. The cheated on spouse wasn’t meeting the other person’s needs.

I wrote back then that being able to fuck multiple people will not stop a cheater from cheating because cheating is not just about having sex with another person. It’s about lying and deceiving and having a power imbalance.

About a month ago a woman posted on a support forum I’m a part of. She was livid. And hurt. She had just found out her husband had cheated. When I say just found out I’m talking like maybe four days earlier she had discovered this. She goes on to say, and again- her words, that what makes this even worse is that they are in the lifestyle; they have an open relationship. This woman her husband cheated with (let’s call her Tiffany) was a woman who was supposed to come over and play with them later that week. Instead the husband met up with Tiffany on his own and fucked her in the woman’s new house that was being renovated. Tiffany then canceled on them. I don’t recall exactly how the woman found out but to say she was unhappy was an understatement. She went on to say that her husband was allowed to have sex with anyone he wanted but the agreement was she was there, too, and they did it together.

When I say that couples in open relationships still have rules I am not pulling this out of my ass. I may not know what each individual couple’s rules are but I know that almost all of them have them. When you break those rules, you have cheated. Just ask that woman. She was furious with him. She was hurt by him, and she absolutely felt betrayed by him, open relationship or not. She is not agreeing that because she let her husband have sex with other women that he is entitled to do so behind her back. There is a rule there. You can have sex with other women but I get to join in. He broke that rule. She absolutely labeled it as cheating and she was astonished that he would do such a thing, especially when he had unfettered access to any woman he wanted.

So we’re back full circle to: Cheating is not about the shitty relationship and it’s not about what the cheated on spouse did or didn’t do; cheating is about entitlement and shitty character. And polyamory isn’t going to save you from that.

Wife: You can have sex with any woman you want. My only rule is that I want to join in. We do this together as a couple.

Husband: You’re not the boss of me! I’m going to have sex with any woman I want and I’m going to do it on my terms. I’m going to call her up and have her meet me at our new house and I’m going to fuck her on every piece of furniture and every single room in that house and you’re not going to have a clue it happened. When she cancels on us you’re going to think it just didn’t work out for some reason but I’ll know the truth. I pulled one over on you and fucked her without your knowledge. And the best part is every time you walk into our kitchen or sit on that sofa you’ll have no idea what happened there, but I’ll vividly recall fucking another woman there.

This particular husband was an entitled ass. It was not about his wife not meeting his needs. It was not about monogamy not being natural. Hell, he wasn’t even being expected to be monogamous. He had a gorgeous wife who was willing to let him have sex with any other woman- so long as she got to participate, too. This was not enough for him. He wanted a gorgeous, hot wife, he wanted to enjoy having sex with other women, AND he wanted to do it behind his wife’s back.

She went on to question how many of the other women who canceled on them had actually met up with her husband separately beforehand.

It’s not about monogamy versus non-monogamy. It’s about entitled jackasses. Polyamory is not going to fix that. That woman’s husband is a prime example.

It wasn’t enough that her husband was going to fuck Tiffany on Saturday while engaging in a threesome with his wife. No, he wanted to fuck Tiffany without his wife having a clue. Fucking Tiffany in front of his wife wasn’t nearly as hot as fucking her behind his wife’s back. An open relationship, which this woman apparently readily agreed to, didn’t save her from infidelity. Her husband still broke the rules, and in doing so broke her heart.

Anchor, Rock; Rock, Anchor

A woman had written a letter to Chump Lady. She was five months pregnant. It had been a very rough pregnancy, with morning sickness, bleeding, acid reflux, UTIs, and an infection which could endanger the baby and will require IV antibiotics for the mom during and following labor. She goes on to say that she works full-time as she is the breadwinner. And she’s only missed two days of work despite all the problems she’s experienced during this pregnancy! On top of that she just found out that their landlord is selling the home they currently live in. Meanwhile, her boyfriend is whining about not getting enough blow jobs and he announces he is going to go see a prostitute in order to “get his needs met.” Actually, per the letter, dickhead left the house and upon returning let her know that he had been “seen to” by the prostitute and was now “satisfied” for the time being.

Thankfully the letter writer realized that this was unacceptable and she could no longer be in a relationship with him. The hump she was having a hard time getting over though was how to disentangle herself from this man she considered “her rock” and life partner.

That’s when Chump Lady framed it another way:  He is NOT your rock. He’s an anchor.

Wow! Mic drop. How many people out there can relate to that? We think this person we’re going through life with has our back. This person is our rock, our safety, our savior, our person.

It’s only once we go no contact and get away from that relationship that we can see the truth. They never had our back. They were never a full partner. They were never safe. They were never in our corner. They were not a rock. They were an anchor.

Tethered to them we begin to sink. Many times we don’t even realize we’re being pulled under. Without them we grow wings. We accomplish things we never thought were possible. Don’t let them convince you they’re a rock when they’re really an anchor. Soar; don’t sink.