My damn dog woke me up about 3:00 this morning and I couldn’t ever really get back to sleep. I bet I’m going to go to bed early tonight. So what do you do when you’re awake at 3:30 in the morning and can’t get back to sleep? I don’t know what you do but I began reading a blog. This particular blogger has a husband who had an emotional affair. She was trying to see things from his perspective and to sympathize, I suppose, with how easy it might be to have an affair. She wrote a story about a harried mother and wife who chats with a man online and gradually finds herself involved in an emotional affair. It was a really well written piece and I can definitely see how things could happen exactly as she detailed them. The comments that followed after her story seemed to reiterate this idea that many affairs begin innocently enough- a little harmless flirting, maybe two lonely people….
But do they begin innocently? First, I think if you know you’re vulnerable then being alone with someone you’re attracted to is not a wise idea. If you’re not getting attention at home and believe your life sucks and your marriage is dead well… not to be flippant but maybe you should try marital counseling instead of an online fling. Or go all out and just file for divorce. What you don’t do is search out another person. Honestly there were times I knew I was very vulnerable to an affair. My husband withdrew, spending all his time watching tv in the bedroom; he rarely accompanied me and the kids anywhere. I would have loved to have received some attention. I would like to believe that I would have done the right thing regardless; however, if the circumstances had been right I could potentially have seen myself doing something I would regret so I never put myself in that position.
Secondly, I look back on the beginning of the affair between Cousinfucker and Harley. Keep in mind CF is a lying liar who lies. This is what he told me about how their affair began the first time. They reconnected on Facebook. Fairly normal. They’re cousins. What’s wrong with being Facebook friends, right? Hahahahahahahaha. Joke’s on me! They’re catching up on family stories and hometown shenanigans. One day CF asks her how her life is going. She tells him not so great. He asks her what’s wrong. She tells him her marriage isn’t so rosy. He asks what’s going on and she tells him her problems. He replies in kind.
Let’s dissect this.
CF: How’s life going for you?
Harley: Not so great….
STOP! See that? That “Not so great” response is a fishing response. That’s Harley feeling out how vulnerable Cousinfucker may be. Plain and simple. Does Cousinfucker realize that? No. And if he does he certainly doesn’t care. Let’s return to our conversation.
CF: What’s wrong?
STOP! What’s wrong?= Tell me your problems, little damsel in distress. Perhaps I can work my magic and make everything ok for you.
Harley: My marriage isn’t so rosy.
STOP! I’m going to call bullshit on this. You DO NOT pour out your marital problems to a married man. Hell, you don’t pour them out to a member of the opposite sex period. Unless you’re looking to get laid. If you want someone to know that you’re available and are willing and able to suck a golf ball through a garden hose then you tell them all about your miserable marriage. Normal people share that shit with their friends and perhaps family. By family I don’t mean the cousins you want to fuck. That makes me sad that I even have to clarify that.
CF: Oh no! Tell me all about it! What is going on? Why is your marriage not rosy?
Translation= Again, little damsel in distress, tell me everything. I can be your knight in shining armor, rushing to your rescue. Let us confide in one another and commiserate over our miserable marriages.
This isn’t innocent. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was feeling him out. And he knew what he was doing as well when he started trashing our marriage to her. You simply do not tell another woman how you feel like you are only a handyman and a paycheck. You don’t confide in her that you’re unhappy with your sex life. You do not tell her that your marriage is dead and that you and your wife live like roommates. Those are not innocent statements. Those are what I’m going to call “starter statements”. They’re statements designed to let the other person know you’re open to having an affair. The beauty is they seem like innocuous statements.
Harley and Zack knew exactly what they were doing. Their affair didn’t begin innocently. It was premeditated from the very beginning. Harley let him know she was available and once that cat was out of the bag he let her know he was very interested and open to the idea of screwing around on his wife.
In the blogger’s story the exhausted mom retreated to her room and downloaded a chat app that wouldn’t be recorded in her browsing history. For me, that’s mistake #1 and it’s not innocent. If you’re looking to chat with no record of that chat existing… my question would be why is it important to you to have no record of your chats? That screams suspicious behavior to me.
She begins chatting with a married man. It starts off innocently enough, chatting about kids and life. Then she begins to look forward to the chats, counting down the hours until she can retreat to the bedroom to wait for the man to get online. That’s mistake #2. When you’re counting down the hours until you can chat with your “friend” there is a problem. That’s when you should be realizing that this isn’t an innocent thing. It has the potential to snowball into something you can’t stop easily. Walk away!
Gradually the chatting gets friendlier with him referring to her as sexy and trying to guess what she looks like. She makes her own guesses as well. Hey- mistake #3! This is definitely crossing the line between appropriate and inappropriate. Yet, in this scenario they keep going. One night he begins talking dirty to her, telling her to imagine him doing this and that to her. She responds by telling him what she likes to do to men and then abruptly signs off. Do I really need to list this as mistake #4? Huge mistake! She even says in the story that she has crossed the line. Ya think?
They chat again and again they tell each other what they would do to one another. Orgasms are achieved. Is that mistake #5 or just a continuation of mistake #4?
They eventually meet for drinks. She dresses up for their meeting, making sure to look good. In the story they chat about the weather, movies, and weekend plans. She says there is no talk of their partners or what they talk about online. He kisses her on the cheek as he leaves. Now we’re up to mistake #6. Meeting up with your online sex partner is not innocent. It takes foresight. In this story they’ve planned this. She has taken time and care to groom herself so that she looks appealing to him. Again, not an innocent mistake.
They resume their online x-rated talks. It goes on for months and her phone is attached to her hip at all times. Finally, they met again for lunch. She again dresses to impress. They chat again about nothing in particular- vacations, pop stars. This time he kisses her goodbye. Almost a week goes by before she logs on again. She admits she has been avoiding him and that she feels the kiss may have been too much. But once again they begin their dirty talk and once again orgasms are achieved. Only this time she falls asleep before exiting the chat app and her husband discovers what has been going on.
There are so many “mistakes” going on in this scenario I’ve lost count. At every step in this story there is a clear right and wrong. If you’re trying to cover it up or it’s something you don’t want your SO to see it’s probably wrong! If you’re talking sex with another person who is not your SO and you two don’t have an open relationship, then you’re doing something wrong! If you’re meeting up with your online affair partner, guess what? You’re doing something wrong!
I think we make far too many excuses for these cheaters. I don’t think Harley was innocent in the beginning of her affair with CF the first time. She wasn’t innocent when she blocked me on Facebook after finding out I knew about her. I would be willing to bet money that was her deceitful way of letting me know they were still involved. She could rat him out and then act innocent. “Who me? I never said anything to her, Cousinfucker! I don’t know how she knows about us!” Yeah, right. I don’t think she was innocent when her husband found her phone with all their text messages again. You just don’t get caught a second time that easily. And you certainly don’t haughtily announce that you don’t care if he knows about your affair and you’re definitely not going to stop! Nope, not innocent at all. As far as Cousinfucker goes you don’t ask your wife to send you naked pictures when you’re trying to seal the deal with your cousin. You don’t have sex with your wife and then text your cousin six hours later and chat the entire drive to work. You don’t let your wife humiliate herself trying to win you back when you’re making plans for the future with your whore. None of that shit is innocent.
I have no idea when the affair reignited. I have my suspicions and I know when the money started going to her. It doesn’t matter though. This is what I DO know. There was nothing innocent about Tammy Faye urging Harley to call him. She was his fucking mistress and is part of the reason your poor little baby boy is down in the dumps. His mean old wife actually has a brain and a memory and hasn’t completely forgotten everything he did. Yet Tammy Faye’s brilliant plan is to have Harley call him and “cheer him up”. Oh, she did! Equally true is the fact that Harley never “innocently” called him. She knew exactly what she was doing. He never bothered to tell me she had contacted him. That wasn’t innocent either. He knew the entire time what he was doing. You don’t send money to your whore and lie right to your wife’s face and get by with claiming innocence. You don’t buy the fucking bitch and her daughter a new iPhone and pay their cell phone bill while lying to your wife and get to claim innocence. You don’t lie repeatedly about where you’re going so you can fuck your cousin and get to claim innocence.
I suppose this is a very long winded way to say there is nothing innocent about cheating. It’s a choice every step of the way.