Why Do We Force It?

Following up on my lovely post about parental alienation, I’m going to tackle the subject of forcing a relationship between the abandoning parent and the child one more time.

So often I see others admonishing a parent to extend grace to the abandoning parent. They’re told to offer up an olive branch, be the bigger person, love their child more than they hate the ex. Make that phone call. Offer up that extra time. Remind them of the school conference. The dance recital. The football game. The Honors assembly.

You hear over and over again: That’s still their other parent. You should encourage a relationship between the two of them. It’s the only mom or dad they have.

Why? Why does everyone put so much stock into this idea that because you share DNA you must have a relationship with that person regardless of how poorly they treat you? Why do we continue to sell this idea that abusive behavior is love?

I’m not suggesting that you tell your kids to cut off their other parent. What I would suggest is that you listen to your children when they tell you they want nothing to do with the other parent. You don’t force it. You don’t lie to them and tell them that this other parent loves them; you don’t know that. And even if it’s true what a shitty example of love. Love is not putting the other woman/other man ahead of your children’s feelings. When the amount of time that has passed since you last saw your child face to face can be measured in years, that is not love. Love is not telling your child you hated every minute of being a parent. Love is not walking out on your responsibilities because you put your happiness ahead of all else. Leaving your child’s other parent, moving out, disrupting their lives as they know them, moving in with another person and their children and/or having another baby, all in the time span of a few months while your child’s head is still spinning is not love. Love is not disappearing and never being heard from again. You don’t get to put another person’s kids ahead of your own, do things with them and for them that you didn’t do for your own, and then get to claim you love your children. Love is not waiting for your children to call you or text you, to reach out to you.

It’s no wonder so many people end up in dysfunctional relationships. We are sold this idea that when people love you they treat you badly. They ignore you. They minimize your needs. They put everyone and everything else before you. Then when you get into a relationship and that person does those things you think, “Oh this feels familiar. It must be love.”

It is okay to have boundaries, even at a young age. It is okay for a child to say, “This is unacceptable behavior. I don’t want to be around this person.”  As the sane parent I think it’s inappropriate to try to convince them that those feelings are wrong, or should be stifled so as to not damage a potential relationship. When someone has done something wrong admit it! Stop trying to whitewash it and convince your child that it’s completely reasonable to do the unreasonable. 

It’s also perfectly fine to tell your child, if they ask, “I don’t know why your other parent does those things,” instead of rushing to assure them that the other parent loves them. As my own son says, “He loves me? Really? He’s got a funny way of showing it.”

Again, I’m not trying to encourage people to damage a healthy relationship between a parent and child. I’m not encouraging anyone to badmouth the other parent or to create chaos where there is none. But for the love of all that’s holy, please stop trying to convince your children that people who don’t behave as though they love them, who actually do things that are very hurtful to them, love them. Stop selling abuse and toxicity as love. Stop telling your kids that people who love them hurt them and that’s perfectly normal and acceptable. Give them a chance at a healthy relationship.

7 thoughts on “Why Do We Force It?

  1. Just a note about that garbage of forcing children to have relationships with unhealthy other parents. The court held me responsible for my son and his father’s relationship for years. His dad doing nothing and crying parental alienation. I swear that must have been the trendy useless dad cry of the 2000s. Eventually, they gave him custody and continued his abuse of my kid with no intervention from me because I was the bad parent suddenly. Fast forward to putting my 25 year old in rehab. Want to hazard a guess after a year of services what the root cause was? His dad’s abuse and neglect. I’ve recently learned that this included an unsavory kind of abuse committed by members of their “church”. THAT HIS FATHER CONDONED AND DID EVERYTHING BUT PUT A BOW ON HIM FOR. I’ll just let that sink in. I guess if you can afford rehab, keep pushing that stupid party line. But I’m the one who had to pay for that and where is his dad? Out of the picture. Where he should have been 20 years ago. But I’m not bitter.

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      1. Girl, truest story of all. And the thing I always said would happen, did. He never bothered to make a relationship with his kid and at age 30, he does not have a relationship with his kid.

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  2. When we divorced one of the last things I said to my ex was “I will no longer be the glue or the buffer between you and our kids, it is your relationship to manage now. It’s no longer my responsibility.” and I meant it with every ounce of my being and have stuck to it.
    He sucked as a father when we all lived under the same roof and I massaged those relationships because “he’s their father” and to keep the peace, not that that made much of a difference. In the end, he chose his happiness, and the whore he brought out of hiding and married shortly after the divorce without his children present, over his relationship with his own children. I don’t make excuses for him to my boys, but I also don’t bash him in front of them. They’re figuring out who he really is and they can choose if they want him in their lives as time goes on. It’s their choice, as it should be, and I don’t have to do or prove a thing.

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  3. My kids and I all agree their dad is clueless and that his poor behaviour is not a reflections of their worth.
    We also agree our life is calmer and nicer with said father.

    Ex lives far away. We never see him. He pays his child support and thinks he is doing a good job. He believes the kids are better off with just me. He is right on that one point.

    I do keep the relationship with their aunt and grandma on their dads side alive. They love me and the kids. They are worth the personal effort.

    I would never force anything. Their dad doesn’t love himself, and I don’t think he can love anyone else in a helpful way. Plus, he has a new family.

    Anne

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    1. I have always appreciated your clear, level-headed approach to your divorce. You’ve been accepting of what you cannot change and you meet all the challenges head on. I’m glad your kids have made up their own minds about their dad and that they’ve been allowed to say, “We’re not dealing with him anymore.” I’m also glad you have the support of his mom and sister. That’s priceless. My kids lost an entire side of their family.

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