Trying To Keep My Chin Up Back Then

Looking back 2+ years later I can say that not everything I thought would happen did happen.  Paragraph two, for example. He won’t be getting a new VA loan unless he has enough stock in his 401k to pay off that $76,000 to the VA. Actually, I don’t think that’s entirely true. He just may not get his full VA allotment. Nonetheless, it won’t be as easy for him as I originally thought.

I did relocate because he stopped paying any support, so all my efforts and desires to keep Rock Star at her high school were for naught.

I do live with my mom, I’m not alone, and I didn’t go to the high school reunion.

October 2015

Another day trying to keep my chin up.  Another day of wanting to cry when I think about what my life has become.

He’ll be fine.  He’s a vet and can get another VA loan to buy his little whore a brand new house so she can get out of that dump she rents.  What’s going to happen to me?  I won’t have any money to put a down payment on a house.  At this point I’m not even sure I’l be able to rent a damn place.  He gets to move out and leave behind 2 kids and our cats and dogs.  Even if he doesn’t move in with the whore and her kids he can move into an apartment- a nice little 2 bedroom apartment.  Not me.  No, I need at least 3 bedrooms and a fenced in yard unless I plan on walking dogs all day long.

He moved us across the damn country and had us sell our house which we had had for 8 years.  In exchange we bought a house that was $100,000 more than the one we sold.  Now it looks like we’ll be selling this house, the one I thought we’d be living in for the rest of our lives, after we bought brand new furniture with which to furnish this house.  Oh, yet another waste of money!  Instead of having $30,000 in stock to cash in we have a giant hole filled with water in our backyard.  Instead of an older car we bought a brand new car straight off the lot because we moved our daughter away from her gym and now I would be driving her over an hour to take her to her new gym.  We have a new $20,000 loan to pay for our pool because again, we, or at least I, thought we would be living in this house for years and years.

I’ve been left totally fucked over.  I can’t even really leave here because my daughter is so happy here and I really don’t want to move her yet again.  Poor Picasso is kind of up in the air. He might be willing to move after Rock Star graduates.  And that’s all IF I’m allowed to leave with him.

I’d like to think I have this great shot at a brand new life, with a partner who is actually a partner and someone who is good in bed.  That would be nice.  Looking forward to sex instead of thinking of it as a chore. He wasn’t awful but he never really made my toes curl either.  And he irritated my boobs.

The reality, though, is I will probably be alone for the rest of my life.  All by myself.  Eventually living with my mother.  So looking forward to the next class reunion!

My life is over.  No chance of a cruise again.  No Disney World.  No more vacations.  No trip to Hawaii.  I’m not sure there will ever be anything fun in my life again.  Not trying to be a pessimist.  More like a realist.  I can blare all the Kelly Clarkson songs I want to make myself feel better but the fact of the matter is life is pretty much over.  I’ve got 6 1/2 more years of this parenting gig and then my kids are both gone.

OK, bad mom moment.  Rock Star and her boyfriend are watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager and the main character says, “I’m a whore.”  Her boyfriend says, “Well you’re my whore.”  Without thinking I said, “That’s what your dad said!”  Oh well, let him try to make something of it.  Then the main character’s dad said to his pregnant daughter’s baby daddy, “What do you mean it just happened?  I’m a man and I have to work really hard to have sex!”  So I say, “Unless she’s your cousin.  Then it’s really easy!”  Bada-bing!


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