Again, this is not what I planned on writing about. I actually meant to combine this with the post yesterday and I apparently forgot and now I have experienced this trauma not once, but twice!
I have gone out to Logan’s Roadhouse two times this week. It’s kind of ironic actually because I am down to about one meal a day and I don’t eat my entire meal when I go there.
Anyway, I’ve been twice this week. The first time was on Tuesday with Sweet J. I’ll spare you the story behind it. The important thing is while I’m finishing up my drink the song, “What If” by Kane Brown comes on.
That was a big gut punch. That was one of “our” songs.
In the beginning I was quite skittish and he was completely confident. He wanted a second shot at love and happiness. He was going after it. I wasn’t so sure about a new relationship, trusting someone, opening up to them. But Matt melted all my fears away. It was easy to fall in love with him. One of the first songs we claimed as our own was, “What If?”
You say what if I hurt you
What if I leave you
What if I find somebody else
And I don’t need you
What if this goes south
What if I mess you up
You say what if I break your heart
in two then what
Well I hear you girl
I feel you girl but not so fast
Before you make your mind up
I gotta ask
What if I was made for you
And you were made for me
What if this is it
What if it’s meant to be
What if I ain’t one of them
Fools just playin’ some game
What if I just pulled you close
What if I leaned in
And the stars line up
And it’s our last first kiss
What if one of these days baby
I’d go and change you name
What if I loved all these what ifs away
I couldn’t get away. I had to sit there and listen to this song, one of the very first songs we shared with each other. We went to this concert together. We sang this song together at the concert.
Well, he did hurt me. He did leave me. I guess it is up in the air whether or not he found somebody new and realized he didn’t need me.
I can no longer listen to this and think I’ve found my person, the one who was made for me and I was made for him. I thought I’d had my last first kiss.
I suppose technically I could have. I have no guarantee there will ever be anyone else. So maybe that part is true.
If that wasn’t bad enough tonight I go there with my son and “The Fighter” comes on. Yet another one of our songs.
See a theme? I was afraid of being hurt again and he was the guy who assured me he would never do that.
I know he hurt you
Made you scared of love, too scared to love
He didn’t deserve you‘
Cause your precious heart is a precious heart
He didn’t know what he had andI thank God, oh
And it’s gonna take just a little time
But you’re gonna see that I was born to love you
What if I fall? (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry? (I’ll never make you cry)
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re trying to get to you, baby
I’ll be the fighter
Look in the mirror
You’re beautiful, so beautiful
I’m here to remind you
You’re my only one, let me be the one
To heal all the pain that he
put you through
With love like you never knew
Just let me show you
Awesome! Another gut punch to sit through. Where do you go?
I forced myself to listen to it, all the while thinking, “This song is such a fucking lie.”
He did let me fall. He did make me cry. He’s nowhere to be found now. He didn’t fight for me. And all those things he told me? I don’t believe them anymore. I don’t know if he was ever being truthful or if he got caught up in the moment, Either way he broke me.
Goddammit! I am so sick and tired of crying over this man, especially because I’m sure he hasn’t lost a moment of sleep, hasn’t missed a meal, hasn’t shed a tear, and is probably fucking someone new already. At the very least he’s out there living his brand new life and having an amazing time.
Meanwhile, I wake up around 4 am every day and have to coax myself back to sleep. If I make it until 6 I’m doing well. I spend my days feeling nauseous and if I eat twice in the same day it’s a miracle. I cry off and on all day long. I cannot wait until the day comes that I make it through the entire day without crying.
I know; I know. It’s only been a little over two weeks. I’m trying to give myself grace. I’m exhausted though.
Are We Still Having Spaghetti For Dinner? 
Hug
It hurts for a while….sending you love and peace.
Anne
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Thank you. I keep reminding myself that the pain is finite. It’s not really helping but it’s something to help me keep going.
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Yes, it will end.
Unfortunately there’s no way to control the triggers. You will have to give that some time.
I truly believe you will be ok.
It’s such a painful process right now.
Hugs to you
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Can I ask you why you think I’m going to be okay? It’s not that I’m doubting you I’m just curious. Because I spend most of my day believing I’m never going to find anyone as amazing as him and that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.
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You don’t want someone like him. You want more. Better.
He was not what you thought he was. It was Him not You. Remember that.
I’d rather be alone than in a miserable bullshit relationship.
I think you will find the one when you are not looking.
Patience!
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Sadly I wasn’t looking when found him either. Honestly I have no intentions of looking. Hence the being alone forever. LOL
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Forever is a long time.
Don’t worry about that yet.
It is truly time for you to focus on you.
You have a good job. Your kids are grown up.
What do you want to do?
You have sacrificed and done a lot for others over the years, and that’s only what you have written about.
So many possibilities now. It is exciting.
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I have no idea what I want to do. I’ve spent most of my life doing what others want me to do. I find it more paralyzing than exciting.
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My therapist asked me what I wanted when Craig and I split up and I cried and cried.
I had no idea.
I’m slowly figuring it out.
Big hug.
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The songs are the worst, and it’s as if they play more often after a break up – or maybe you just notice them more? I still cannot listen to the song that was “ours” from my marriage. It still hurts and makes me want to vomit or cry when it comes on the radio. I just can’t help it.
But I agree with 7monica7, you will rise from the ashes of this relationship and find better because you are meant to and you are unstoppable. Every relationship gives us lessons, (according to my therapist lol), look for the lessons and really pay attention to what didn’t work or was lacking overall – and mostly, just love yourself. Because you have to know what that looks and feels like before you find your “person” who will do that for you. Hugs.
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Honestly I think I’m done. I’m torn because he showed me what a great relationship could be like. To have someone invested in you, who flatters you, encourages you. To be with someone who wants to be with you. I would love to have that again. But I don’t think I’m willing to put myself out there again so yet another asshole can decide I’m not good enough and discard me. He didn’t just break my heart. He broke me.
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I get where you’re coming from, especially since it’s still very raw and new. But eventually you will look at this relationship a bit more objectively and realize that it wasn’t the best overall, there were missing parts and overlooked behaviors that you allowed (for love) but didn’t deserve. You skimmed over some things/behaviors or made excuses for them to keep him in your life and to be a part of a relationship.
I’ve been there, it wasn’t 5 1/2 years but it was my first longterm relationship after my divorce, and a lot of what you’ve put out here lately sounds too familiar to me. Use this relationship to work on your boundaries and to create goals for what you want and need to feel loved for the next one. Determine your deal breakers, set your expectations and stick to them. As I said before, every relationship is a lesson. It’s okay to be alone for awhile and turn your love inward until you’re ready to share it with someone else. There is no expiration date on finding a life partner.
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