You Can’t “Nice” Them Out Of It

Some days I feel sorry for Bob. Other days I just want to slap him. He continues to cling to this idea that there is something “deeper” going on with CF. Granted, the last time I spoke with him was back in January but I have heard a lot of, “That’s not the CF I knew,” “I’m worried about him,” and “He is obviously feeling a lot of emotional turmoil.”

No, no he’s not. He’s an asshole. He’s an entitled shithead with narcissistic tendencies who has always put himself first and thought he was so much better than everyone else. He was simply smart enough to realize that those characteristics wouldn’t get him very far so he pretended to be something different. He’s not having a mental breakdown. He isn’t in any emotional distress. He’s playing people. He’s doing what he’s always done and he’s playing the victim.

Even after CF threatened him Bob was still all, “My door is always open if he ever wants to talk.” He also said, “I don’t need an apology. I don’t even need an explanation. If he wants to talk, I’ll listen.” He followed that up with, “The human animal is complicated,” and “Everyone gets a pass if they need it.” Finally, “The ball is in CF’s court.”

The problem is he thinks CF is still that same kid in high school that he used to know. In many ways I’m sure he is. He didn’t become this person overnight. But I think he’s always worn a mask to cover up who he really is. Unfortunately for Bob, that guy he once knew is gone. He’s surrounded by adoring sycophants who tell him only what he wants to hear.

My sweet friend J can be the same way. She’s always thinking the best of everyone. She sincerely believes everyone can change. At one point over the past summer she told me that eventually my kids would forgive him and he would become a part of their lives once again. She thinks he will see the error of his ways and work to improve his relationship with his kids.

I don’t. I think he believes he is always the victim. It is not his fault his relationship with his kids is in the toilet. It’s mine. It’s theirs. It’s never his.

Honestly? I don’t think he even cares he doesn’t have a relationship with them. He’s got two perfectly good kids in his life right now that at least pretend to think he’s wonderful. Why does he need his own two ungrateful snots who keep pointing out his faults and holding his feet to the fire? Besides, the longer he goes without seeing them the more tragic his story is and he can mine it for pity.

I think at some point you just need to cut your losses. It’s hard, I know, to realize and accept that a person cannot change. We always want to believe that with the love of the right person that bad boy/bad girl can change into a wonderful human being that will love you more than anyone ever has. We want to believe that someone is just hurt. They’re scared. They don’t know how to communicate. They have deep issues.

Honey, get in line! We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all dealt with shit. No one gets through this life unscathed.

The reality is some people are just not good or safe people. The only wise thing to do is to cut them out of your life.

5 thoughts on “You Can’t “Nice” Them Out Of It

  1. Uffff…every time I hear CF post-divorce stories I worry more. As an ID Channel avid watcher frankly it scares the shit out of me. The Reckoning always comes. He’s made ruins of his life (he’s all he cares about, always has and still does) and instead of shame/sorrow/regret/attempts at amends he is enraged, heavily medicated and making threats. Plis take what Bob said to heart (that he doesn’t recognize him). He is acting like a loose cannon. He deserves his shitty life, but that’s not how he sees it- and that’s terrifying. Plis keep that on the back of your mind. I have been biting my tongue not to say this other times, but I am worried so I’m putting it out there👹. You took care of him for decades- saved him from himself. Now he’s surrounded by equally nuts family and woman. That’s not the same man, dear SamXOXO


  2. I’m guilty of this with my ex. In our time post-divorce, I worked hard to keep our friendship intact. To keep a spot in each others’ lives, since we were such a huge part before. But once he started dating he ghosted me completely. No explanation, no warning, just … gone. And that hurt as badly as his affair did. Worse, maybe. I understood his immature reasoning for his affair (I don’t agree with his reasons, mind you – but I got why he felt justified). I did and do not understand why he decided he can’t be my friend. It has caused me an unbelievable amount of angst and heartache.

    But you’re right. I need to cut my losses. I need to accept that he’ll never be what I need him to be and walk away.


  3. Is it naive of me to think it can be a bit of both Sam? I like to believe that my ex (and he is FINALLY an Ex woohooo!!!!) may finally hit bottom and choose to change some day. I don’t believe he WILL but I like to believe he COULD. And if he did, it would be a good thing for our kids. I have removed him from my life. I have no intention of having him in it ever again. I know that no matter how much he changed the scars run too deep for us to ever have a healthy connection. But I like to hang on to the belief that it is possible that some day – through his own choice and effort he could be a good dad. Its a wistful sort of belief. One that acknowledges that it’s highly unlikely but still – maybe – possible. I’m just not ready to let go of that I guess.


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