Random Rant #5- Fast Food That Isn’t

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. I’ve got a good one for you this time. It seems I’ve had a run of bad luck at so-called “fast food” restaurants.

First, I shall tell you about my displeasure with McDonald’s. One morning I was driving back home after dropping Picasso off at school. I realized with a groan that we didn’t have any bread so I couldn’t make toast and we didn’t have any milk so I couldn’t have cereal. I pass McDonald’s on my way home so I decided I would treat myself and get an egg McMuffin (which is what I get almost every time I go to McDonald’s for breakfast). I noticed there were probably 6 cars ahead of me. I’m getting a little anxious and preparing to make a break for it when I tell myself I’m being silly and to give it a little time. That little voice was chirping, “You know how it is. You think it’s taking forever but it’s really more like 5 minutes! Just chill.”

I chilled. I gave myself 10 minutes. I figured if I got through the line in that amount of time it would still allow me enough time to get home and have about 35 minutes to eat and finish getting ready.

Ten minutes passed. I still did not have my food. I had, however, already paid. Now, to give you a little backstory, earlier this winter I had stopped at a different McDonald’s to grab an egg McMuffin and they took forever. I paid, knowing I was very short on time but there was only one car ahead of me so surely to God I could finish up in a minute. I was oh so wrong. I ended up driving off because at that point I was going to be late for work. I paid and I left. With no food. I was not happy.

This time I waited. Thirteen minutes passed between the time I got in line and I finally got my food. I realize this probably doesn’t sound like a horrible amount of time but it was McDonald’s for crying out loud!

I don’t go to McDonald’s because I’m wanting haute cuisine. I go because I enjoy an egg McMuffin (and come to think of it, their pancakes are delicious) and I can get it quickly! That’s the operative word! I go to McDonald’s for fast food. They have one job- to get my food to me fast- and they are failing! I would much rather go someplace and enjoy a leisurely eggs Benedict, or a nice waffle. Perhaps a lovely omelette. But I’m short on time on a weekday morning, what with dropping my kid off at school right in the middle of what should be me getting ready for work! So again, if I’m out of bread and milk (and Pop Tarts) I want something quick! Is that so much to ask for? Let’s get it in gear, McDonald’s!

Don’t even get me started on Panda Express. Express? No, they should be renamed Panda Slow AF. For all of you that don’t have teenagers or are over the age of 30, that stands for “as fuck”.

This is not a local issue. Our Panda Express (or Panda Slow AF, as I’m going to start calling it now) back in Utah was notorious for having lines out the door every time we went. Okay, maybe there was a time or two out of twenty that we went that we didn’t stand in line forever, but in general, if you went to Panda Slow AF, it would not be a quick trip. Certainly not an express trip!

It is the same here and the drive through is even worse! I timed it the other night because I was truly curious as to how long I would be sitting in the drive through. Thirty. Seven. Minutes.

I was on the phone with the mobster while I waited. He couldn’t believe I was in line for that long. At one point he asked me, “Don’t they have the food ready? Are they making it while you wait?”

“Exactly!” I told him. “They make huge batches of it so it’s ready when you come in. Why on earth it takes as long as it does to serve people is beyond me!”

He laughed at me and thought I was absolutely adorable. I’m not sure why because after the twenty minute mark I was just pissed!

And they create the drive through so that you can’t leave. You’re trapped! I couldn’t have gotten out of line if I had wanted to. Although as I explained to the mobster, who was encouraging me to leave (not that I could have!), “I just paid over $26 for three meals. This is not a $5 protest drive off!”

I think I need to start eating at home more often.