I Sometimes Know What I’m Talking About

We all remember the post asking for opinions, right? I thought what went down was a bit disrespectful of our relationship and that it trampled all over good boundaries. I pointed out that while I had no fears he would up and leave me, or rekindle their relationship, she was batshit crazy and who the hell knew how she would interpret the day’s events. You’re going to agree to escort this woman who has made a sport of entering your home when you’re not there and removing whatever she wants whenever she feels like doing so? You’re going to play nice and pretend you’re a happy couple with this woman who has been known to hoover around whenever her boyfriend is off fighting fires and she’s lonely? You’re going to hold her hand and pose for pictures and sit with her throughout the wedding and dinner after she’s accused you of abuse and has exhibited lots of crazy behavior even before that? Yeah, I don’t think that’s wise. You need to maintain boundaries made of titanium steel with a person like this. You are not friends. You are not a happy couple. You are in the middle of a contentious divorce.

While many people did say some of the actions went a bit too far they also were of the opinion that it was the couple’s big day and they should have whatever they want. I heard a lot of, “It’s for his son and daughter-in-law,” and, “I would grin and bear it; it’s one day and I’d do my best to appease my kid,” and the ringer, “He’s just being a good dad.” One commenter said, and I’m paraphrasing slightly, “It was what, five minutes of hand holding and 30 minutes of being together tops? He told you about it so what’s the big deal?”

Remember those boundaries I talked about? That was the big deal; boundaries are the big deal. And they got trampled on. Since that day she called the following Monday. She showed up at his house the following Saturday, according to his tenant; he wasn’t home so he was able to avoid her. She called again about a week ago. When he finally bit the bullet and called her back because he thought she wanted to talk about the divorce (ROFL) she snarled at him, “That was last week. I don’t need a ride anymore.” Yes, you did read that correctly; she had the lady balls to call him up to ask for a ride. They did end up talking a little bit about a settlement and now this week she is sending him text messages. So far it’s been, “I’ve been sober ever since I left you but I miss the hell out of you,” and, “I know you don’t care but you’ll always be a part of me.”

Huh. Ain’t that a bitch? Turns out I do sometimes know what I’m talking about. She did interpret the day’s events as, “Oh my God, he wants me! How could he not? Everyone wants me! I’m the most desirable person in the whole wide world!” She now thinks they’re back together or at least that she has a shot. I mean, in her mind, if he’s willing to hold her hand, walk down the aisle with her, sit with her during the wedding and dinner, who knows what else he might be willing to do?

I know; I know. As Reformed Cad pointed out, she thinks of me as the other woman. You are not telling me anything I don’t already know. Hell, I’ll go one further. You’re not telling me anything that I didn’t predict. I told the mobster waaaaay back when we first started talking that two things would happen. #1- She had never experienced any consequences for her bad behavior. After all the shit he put up with from her she didn’t think he would ever really wash his hands of her. So when she finally realized he had moved on she would start hoovering around, trying to ensure that he remained her Plan B. Yep, that happened. Most definitely. It didn’t work but she tried it. And #2- She would change the narrative and I would be the other woman and why they weren’t happily married. Like CF, she is always the victim. Things just happen for no reason. Forget the fact she was cheating on him- again. Forget the fact she would disappear for a few days at a time and not feel like he had any right to know where she was. Forget the fact she had left him and abandoned their kids. Forget the fact she moved in with her boyfriend (you know, the one she was cheating with). Forget the fact that they had already held an intervention and everyone in the family pretty much told her to either get help for her drinking or to leave the house. Hell, forget the fact that he had already attempted to file for divorce through an online lawyer. No, the real reason they weren’t back together was because I was the horrible other woman who moved in on her husband.

Let’s get this out of the way right now. I don’t give a shit if she does think of me as the other woman. She looks like an idiot crying about me when she’s shacked up with her boyfriend. I know the timeline of events. Everyone who has read his blog knows the timeline of events. I know she had already moved out before I ever knew he existed. And as the mobster always points out she never actually says she’s sorry or asks him for another chance. It’s all little pieces of bait thrown out there, seeing if he’s willing to take any of it. I miss you; don’t you miss me, too? You’ll always be a part of me; won’t I always be a part of you, too? Wouldn’t it be so easy to tell me how you’ll always love me?

I was right about the boundaries. Whether it’s a wedding day, Christmas day, or an ordinary day you have to have iron-clad boundaries with people like this. It’s like giving a mouse a cookie. Before you know it… well, I don’t really remember what all happens in that story, but I know it quickly got out of hand.

Thankfully in my story, “When You Hold Your STBX’s Hand,” things aren’t getting out of hand (pardon the pun); it’s merely an annoyance. The bottom line to this story? I knew what I was talking about. Tell Miss Cleo she’s got some competition!

13 thoughts on “I Sometimes Know What I’m Talking About

  1. Until you two start living in the same place she is always going to try hoovering. I reiterate what I wrote before. He was the peace keeper in the family. He had to do all the adulting. She lost the grownup who had kept the house from falling down. This is who she is and what she does. She interprets life through her own screwed up brain. You can’t control her, you can only encourage him, and give him a big hug when you can.
    And, yes, you saw this coming but he didn’t because he loves his kids. He loves his kids and one of them got married. And, he kept the peace. Sometimes heroes live lives of quiet desperation so I hope you are the sunshine/positive/loving person who needs him too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Doesn’t the question then become, “At what price do you maintain peace?”

      I know I can’t control her and what she does. I can’t even control him and what he does. I wrote this (after reading it to him and making sure he was ok with me posting it) mainly to show that I wasn’t nuts. I wasn’t coming up with outlandish predictions. I pretty much nailed it.


      1. Yep Sam! If it feels wrong in your gut it is. Your head might rationalize unhealthy stuff, and your heart will try to overlook it–but your gut never lies. I have been down this road when the husband’s ex
        narcopath will not stop crossing boundaries. At first my husband just could not believe that the hard boundary was the way to go. He’s a believer now! We are several years BATSHIT CRAZY FREE! Tell the mobster this: “Over the decades you were married did all of your understanding, going along, not making waves, covering up for her, make her into a good person you had a great relationship with? No? Well, if it didn’t work for twenty years, why would you continue to do it now?’ You have good instincts and you know you should listen to them. He thinks he’s buying peace with her, but he could only ever buy a little time. There’s no peace until these sort of people (people like both your exes) are out of your life.


      2. That is an excellent question to ask, Jojobee! I think it’s hard to give up on a person and to realize you are powerless in a situation. I also know he wants to get this *done*, like yesterday.


  2. Learning boundaries is HARD. I know from experience. As long as he keeps at it he will get there. I know you will balance the I told you so’s with encouragement so he should appreciate the help.


  3. Sorry that I seem to come back often to the same topic (I’ve been learning about astrology since I was a kid, because I believe that if you want to understand people and what motivates them, how they react to things, what they’re searching for nothing is more spot on than learning the signs of the zodiac), but pisceans are the most psychic of all signs. They have an uncanny ability to discern motives, to know who they’re dealing with. I tell you right now, I’d trust their insights. They have a special kind of wisdom.
    Bella don’t fret about any of this (I’m sure you don’t). You bring love, happiness and magic to the Mobster. You give, not take from him. He does the same for you. When we get to our age we are seeking different things. You and him don’t want drama, daily worry of what the hell is gonna happen today, be perennially worried about the next big fight. You and him represent the future. You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna be GREAT. You already areXO


      1. Bella what you’re going through has been difficult, but you know what? Where you are now is not gonna be where you will be. Think back to your timely post on what two years gone by has changed in the lives of your kids. You and the Mobster met at a time you were both shellshocked of what you were going through and what began as a friendship and mutual support turned into a beautiful love story. IT IS A BEAUTIFUL AND SELDOM SEEN RELATIONSHIP. You both met under circumstances where you told each other everything about your past relationships but now that the relationship has evolved also should the topics you discuss evolve. Little by little and through mutually taken decision the focus should turn to you two and the family, not what so and so are doing. Isn’t it the goal for you to be together after all is finalized and once the kids have left the nest to begin their schooling and life? Just love one another! Support one another, inspire each other to be the best version of yourselves! Don’t let negativity and strife from others enter your relationship, protect each other’s hearts and minds, be mindful not to hurt or worry the other. You make your own love story! You make your own life story! Your way, just the way you want it to be waiting for you when the time comes to be together. Filter out everything that makes you derail from your path, your dream. It only takes a decision made between you two, see what it’s important to you both and work at it together. Decide what’s really important and what is not. You already have so much! Don’t let stupid shit or stupid people take it away from you. You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna be GREAT. YOU ALREADY ARE. Work out the little things. Work out the big things together.
        So so rooting for you both!XO

        Liked by 1 person

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