Things are a little better, I suppose. I go up and sit with him while he’s home for lunch. He’s going to his reunion with Blockhead. Without me. And he’s talking about going to visit him in a few weeks. Again, without me.
He thinks he’s impotent. I don’t know if I should feel grateful because then he’s not fooling around, or if that’s just an excuse and he needs an explanation for being repulsed by me. It was the excuse he needed to remain “faithful” to his whore.
We’ve messed around some and joked around some and that makes me feel better, but my gut just keeps screaming. Listen to that gut, Sam!
I did notice he left his phone on the arm of the chair when he went to go take his medicine so maybe he’s not as guarded about his phone as I believe.
I’m debating calling his mom and seeing if she knows anything. Probably wouldn’t tell me if she did. Hell no she wouldn’t! She was pushing for this. She called Harley and urged her to call her precious son because he was so sad.
I’m just so sad. I feel overwhelmed. I was feeling good about coming back to BFE. I was feeling good about me and Zack and our relationship. I was pretty much done with anything having to do with infidelity. I was done with her. And now this.
I wonder if it would do any good to start at the very beginning and tell him I know that Blockhead told him about my Facebook page. Tell him I read the emails between him and Jezebel. Flat out ask him what the hell is going on now. I’m exhausted anymore. I’ve been back for 6 days and I’m exhausted. And I’m nauseous most of the time and constantly looking for clues that things are going to be ok.
He skipped another therapy session. Hadn’t wanted to go anyway and then said he would but at lunch said last time inventory took until 6 so maybe it would be best to cancel. But remember, I was dismissive of his worsening symptoms. That’s probably why he canceled.
And can I just say I’m getting a little irritated? He can’t go to Florida with me. He can’t even come and sit out on the damn enclosed porch. He’s spent 3 months saying we need to get another door for our screened in porch and it hasn’t happened. But he can drive 6 hours to see his mom. Alone. And he can drive probably 8 hours to go see Blockhead. Alone. And he can drive 6 hours to go to his reunion. Again, alone. He can’t do jack shit with me or with the kids, but he can get in a car and drive off alone and do whatever…. or whomever. He was fucking Harley. He drove to fuck his cousin. Period. And you were busy spackling like a good little wife.
Present Day Sam Says: I re-read these entries and it makes me so sad. And so mad. He played me for such a fool. I was an absolute idiot. I spackled and buried my head in the sand. I didn’t want to believe it. I simply could not wrap my head around the fact that my husband of 20 years could move across the country, buy a new house, a new car, new furniture and put a pool that cost the equivalent of many people’s yearly salary in our backyard and then turn around and fuck a whore. Seriously- who does that?
As I said way back at the beginning of this blog, why the hell couldn’t he have given me the two years I needed to get past what he had done the first time?
Sam, you know the reason.
Yes, because that’s not who he is. It’s all about him. It’s all about being easy and convenient. He wasn’t willing to do the hard work. He wasn’t going to be inconvenienced. He was entitled. He didn’t like feeling bad. He didn’t like discussing his faults and his shortcomings. Let’s focus on the future. Forget about my affair. Focus on other things. Like what you can do to prevent me from cheating.
We never really stood a chance. I knew from experience that once he was done with something, once he had made up his mind, there was no changing it. You couldn’t sweeten the pot and make him change course. That’s why I was so surprised when he “chose” me the first time around. I honestly believed he would never end things with her and stay with me. But maybe he didn’t. Maybe it was all a ruse. He would tell me what he needed to tell me and get his ducks all lined up. Then he could hone in for the kill.
I think we were doomed from the very minute he decided sexting with other women was a viable option. Because of who he is there would be no recovering from that. His mind was made up. I was old news. I was on my way out, no matter what. I think at some level I knew that. That’s why I always prefaced my comments with, “if”. It’s why I never fully rekindled relationships with the in-laws.